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More Proud Than When She Won: a lesson on grit & resilience · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Jenna Zint.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this in the next four or five days, you have four or five days to join my two fall courses.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to have you.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Time management for type B and then Wives course, which I'm so I mean I'm excited about both.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Mainly the time management always helps me dial my own, so it's like a gift to me as well.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the wives course is new, so I feel a lot of anticipation about that.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this episode we are talking about a lesson I learned from my daughter this fall as we go back to school.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So my oldest is 13 and she's in seventh grade and she's a wonderful kiddo.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: She this year in August, so she before school started, she was like, I have three goals this fall.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna join the volleyball team.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to, which our school is not very athletic.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a performing arts school.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So athleticism, it's not very competitive in that area, if you get my drift.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she had done um a couple clinic summer camps this summer to be feel like she had the skill for it.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other thing was she was running for student government.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: She ran last year, didn't make it, but as a sixth grader, so she felt like she had enough information to do it w better this year.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then she is in her school play.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They have a that's one of the coolest things about our school is that they have a school-wide middle school school play.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like a year-long team building exercise.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the middle school is their middle school is so connected and has such good culture because they all are working together for months and months, working hard to do this thing where everybody needs to succeed, if that makes sense.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like a it's created like that the byproduct is a studying culture in their middle school, which I love.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason I bring that up was that was her third goal was to get uh one of the lead roles in the school musical.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she's telling me these goals, and I have not coached her on these goals, you know, and I'm like, oh, I feel nervous because those are big goals.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: We can't control any of them.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: There are three that happen within like a month.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like we will know within a month if those goals happen, it don't go happen.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, and I like didn't say any of those things, obviously, but I'm like, try to find the right mom answer that feels supportive, yet how do I introduce the idea of realistic expectations, you know?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode is not about that.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I I think I would give myself a probably a solid C.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: But isn't that the fair funny tension of parenting?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Of like, man, there's like three things.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm listening to you talk and there's three different layers that I need to address.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Which one am I addressing now?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, holy spirit help me.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is this a support moment?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Is this a teaching moment?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Is the, you know, anyways.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so fast forward, she gets sick for volleyball tryouts, and then it was also chaotic.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: There was a mistake made, and they well, this part, the reason it was chaotic is there's 50, I think some people trying out, but then the mistake was made to sign up for an all or co-ed league.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So then of the 14 spots, I think like five or six needed to be boys, which they do not have, it's like a 2080 ratio at our school.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So all the boys, I think they even recruited more to be on the team so they could compete in this league.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So then if you imagine 50 girls competing for like eight spots, it was like a bloodbath of disappointment.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: So Audrey did not get the volleyball team, and you know, we love like this, we know we want our kids to have emotional resist resilience, like that is actually helpful for us, and even it's interesting watching adults know that for their kids, but then in different aspects of their life, whether it's marital pain or leadership pain or friend pain, watching where we don't have emotional resilience, like where we're extra maybe um like we pain tanks us, is where I would say.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like instead of we can, it's the goal is to not not feel pain or do hard things or be uncomfortable, but to not get taken out by them or get stuck in them.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like you can feel them, process them, and work through them versus almost like a chronic open wound.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So you know that's the goal for it's just makes me laugh sometimes how we can be so clear in our parenting with that and culturally, but then be like, oh my gosh, part of me thinks that when I was parenting her, um, the point of this episode is actually some of the lessons I was learning as we were walking her through this and the just my curiosity of like, Holy Spirit, where do I need more emotional resilience?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Where is a pattern of being uncomfortable and taking risk and trying?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Could be real, like so much of I think adult risk or relational risk, if I'm honest, or putting myself out there that I also, as I'm trying to parent her and coach her into building emotional resilience, where myself, where do I have a blind spot that I could build and need to build some emotional resilience?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that's number one, asking yourself, inviting Holy Spirit into that and considering it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so then y'all, I was getting so like hers, of course, when she finds out feel sad the whole day, felt sad the afternoon.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: We had multiple nights of her crying herself to sleep um as she processes this volleyball.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the second night I I actually was noticing, again, this is about my noticings with me walking her through this stuff, how triggered I was.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I actually in my mind was like, oh, I have capacity for you to have one day of really sad, but day two feels this feels problematic, or it almost feels whiny, etc.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as I'm I'm kind of getting a little irritated and judgmental, I just so clearly helped heard Holy Spirit like she might need more than one day.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Can you actually pause that deep desire in you to parent this moment and just give her support and comfort?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I got out of bed, which I would have loved a full night's sleep, and I went in her bed and I let her just cry a puddle of tears.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: She cried herself to sleep on my on my shoulder, belly, whatever.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it I'm not saying this to like get any mom accolades because I truly, if I hadn't heard the Holy Spirit's um in that moment how to, sorry, the Holy Holy Spirit's leading in that moment how to parent it, I would have missed it because that was not my natural instinct.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm realizing how they're getting older.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I heard someone say parenting young kids is physically exhausting, and parenting older kids is emotionally exhausting.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm realizing how often like I actually need almost like Holy Spirit as a moment-by-moment guide of this is my instinct, but what should I do?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the beautiful part is I think sometimes, well, the beautiful part is he has answers and he actually wants to be involved, consulted strategies in the moment versus I parented and then going talking to him afterwards.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a conversation in the moment that could actually pivot how you show up or what you say or don't say, whether you open your mouth or go this direction or that.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that's been a big learning for me is actually rather than retroactively taking it before the Lord, or you know, how did that go, you know, cleaning up a mess, actually trying to learn to listen better in real time.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that was not a Jenna moment, that was a Holy Spirit, and I got in the bed, you know, but it was even while I was in bed, I think sometimes noticing like I can be judgmental to myself because I was still triggered.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: She has um my sweet daughter has a particularly pitch of a cry that feels so whiny and triggers me like some of my other kiddos does not.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I just felt like the Lord was like, could you get past the pitch of her, you know, logistically of your nervous system and actually just think, sad daughter, sad daughter, sad daughter.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes we don't realize how repetitive we need to be in managing ourselves while we're triggered and how it could help.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean a lack of or it dissipates before I engage.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then eventually, you know, she decreased and I was was um got to a spot um where it wasn't as intense like I had managed myself.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But that was probably like the second portion of of the lesson of like, oh, I can still show up for you, even if I feel like it's an expiration of what how long you should be sad.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm listening to the Holy Spirit, I'm not gonna miss it.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then I can also manage myself while there's almost this like fire alarm of a nervous system moment going on.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: If I just I think I think the goal isn't that you are flooded with empathy.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm gonna, oh, I feel a little teary.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like, okay, Holy Spirit, I will stay here while I'm flooded with other things until I feel a smidge of empathy arrive.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean I'm failing or I'm gonna say bad mom or I'm judging.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I actually feel like for me, wouldn't that be a bit of resilience that I was saying?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was looking for of like I can be, I can grow some grit in showing up for my kids' big emotion when I get a smidge triggered by it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so then fast forward, she tried out for her school play, and now she starts to be a little nervous, like, well, I'm not gonna get any of my goals.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And she's starting to get real hopeless.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and again, I was like, Lord, I don't know what to say because I'm not sure she's gonna get any of her goals.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, FYI were on the other side of all of them.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: She did not get any of her goals.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So this is an episode on processing, risk, uncomfortableness, emotional resilience, and on some level, I mean it felt like worst case scenario, but worst case scenario, zero out of three of the things you were shooting for happened.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so we're headed into play auditions, and I'm like, oh, I'm not sure I can do do that again.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: How do I help her again?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: How do I, these like really simple listening questions of the Holy Spirit, how do I help her um create realistic expectations while being like, I believe in you.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I'm proud of you, like almost not necessarily, I was like, okay, I'm not gonna focus on her talent because there's a a point before the audition that she's like, I don't have the vocal range for this part.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, and just the sadness of coming to terms with her own limitations realistically, which is probably the first, like to that level at 13, this is like the first.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, where in my life, with the honesty of looking at my own limitations, which I would say one of mine that I probably one of the first ones I came into was that I overwhelm people.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: My level of fast and energy actually overwhelms people, and instead of going to shame, like there's like this acceptance grief, which she experienced, and like we can experience when we realize some of our own limitations, but then acceptance of like, okay, what am I gonna do from here?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how am I gonna show up?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not tanked by this or I'm not worthless because of it, but this is a real limitation in my life, and where do I go from here with an awareness to like partner with it versus despise it or pretend like it's not there?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I think she tried to her solution as we're talking through it was trying to get Aaron to help her see if she could do it in a lower key or shift the whole-I don't actually understand music, y'all.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be honest.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: They had some musical jargon that sounded like speaking another language, and he tried and she tried.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh just being with her in her sadness of like, I don't think I have the range for the part I wanted.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Man, this is sad.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So then she goes into the and then me not trying to be like, I'm sure it'll be great, or maybe, or be so Debbie Downer, like it's true.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I just shared with Summer First some of my own.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: That was my that was what full holy spirit felt like.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, empathize, and then can I share?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think I at one point it was just her and I in the car.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I look for moments sometimes where we can do Erin solo together when she's processing stuff, um, because I can get her to talk a bit.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I think she I had her go to the grocery store with me or something.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't dramatic, it wasn't a date, but I was like, if I can get her alone, I can get a little bit different and more out.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So then I asked her, I was like, could I share a time when I had uh, you know, a similar level of awareness and sadness about my own limitations?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And we did, and she laughed, and it wasn't, I didn't go too much further because I try to read her capacity and when her defenses go up, I'm like, okay, that's I feel like Holy Spirit's usually like that's enough for now.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: That was good.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You got like you had that small crack of a window, you slid something across, the window shut again, slammed shut, and now it's barred.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's okay.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I can trust it.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think some of what I felt his leading this time is to not have the urgency to fix it quickly or to rush her through pain.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so fast forward, she goes to the audition and she comes out sky high, like through the moon.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like she literally, you would have thought she did drugs because she was so happy and stoked about it.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like talking to her about it, and then I was felt fear coming up because I was like, I think, I mean, I heard her practicing, and I know some of the other girls and that in her school are so much more talented vocally.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm nervous, and I didn't say anything.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: She had to come with me because it was just her and I at auditions that time, she had to come wash the car with me.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And after she did, she was like, she said, we were like driving home.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, I'm realizing that I have some fear rising up that as high and as excited as I feel about crushing it.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna she actually said this?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna feel the reciprocal amount of disappointment if I don't get it?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And literally I was like, and the Holy Spirit was like, Hold your tongue.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a this is a rhetorical question.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let her ponder, don't swoop in with the answer.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then so instead I said, sorry, I'm laughing at my own self.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, where'd you learn the risk word reciprocal?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And she told me math class, we had a bit, and I was like, that's an interesting thought.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what do you, if that is true, what do you think you're gonna do?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what would be helpful for you if you do feel, you know, like if that scenario plays out.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And she talked about a few solutions, but it was just this like, I think, with Holy Spirit's leading, the slow, steady, instead of me feeling like overwhelmed.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like part of me initially, when she was talking about her three goals, and I was like, I don't know that we're gonna get any of those goals in August.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I should just save her and we should try out and do nothing or one at a time.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, three and at once is too much.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's too hard, you know.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so then fast forward, oh, I forgot to wrap up a little bit with volleyball.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: She decided she's gonna try another um City League and get even better.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then next year, for when all those girls who've been on the team this year are eighth graders, they're gonna like age out, there'll be opportunity for her.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then when so then circling back, sorry, I just remembered that I hadn't closed that loop.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, with volleyball or sorry, with the play, sure enough, she did not get the role she wanted, and she actually knew that they were announcing the cast list when we're gonna go on a big, like a day trip to with a bunch of families, oh, for Aaron's triathlon.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And she asked if she could stay home because she was like, I know that I'm gonna have a lot to process and whether it's good or bad, and I most likely am probably not gonna get the role I want, so I'd rather process it without being on the road with a bunch of people or trying to pretend like I'm happy or not hide my sadness.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it was so good.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then I thought about it and you know, like we chatted about it.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, okay, we we're gonna we set up some parameters of what it would look like for her to be home, you know, with those five hours with us, not but sure enough, Casalist came out.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: She processed when we got back.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: We called her once or twice to like check on her about how it was going.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then when we got back, she she was sad.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was not the same level of the floor dropping out as volleyball because she did get a uh pull a part with one line.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but she wasn't at the spot where she could be as buoyed, you know.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I like tested those waters of like, can we celebrate that?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or nope, nope, we're still just sad.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then Holy Spirit's like, don't try to force her into well, you know, the sunshine.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: The bright side is at least you have a line and you're not ensemble, you have a name and a you know, speaking part this year.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And the Holy Spirit was like, too soon for bright side, just listen.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I listened, and then y'all, it made me realize how much I've done a lot of growth for not trying to give solutions or move Aaron out of sad quicker, like too quickly.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: But watching your kids do it is like next level.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: And even when you're thinking some of the length of their sad is like almost like pushing on a woo their own bruise, you know what I mean?
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, we were here, but now I think we're just looping or stuck in sad.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that's why, gosh, isn't that why we need the Holy Spirit for real-time strategy versus canned parental advice?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so fast forward, she eventually got to the spot where she was good enough with it.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then she had her first after-school practice a week or 10 days after she got the part, and she came home and she was so in acceptance.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Okay, I actually realized I have a second line, which is double what is two lines more than I had last year.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I've decided I'm gonna, you know, she did all these things.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: She was so she just listed how she had made peace and accepted her role.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she got there.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I feel teary.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: She got there on her own.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't force her to it.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had to get over my allergy of watching her be in this state of disappointment, self-inflicted and also not self-inflicted for a while.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but she arrived.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then last the last thing, oh no, I guess we had four disappointments.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the last thing was the student government.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: We went on Friday, gave her her best speeches, but she realized probably like two weeks ago that she was not gonna win.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: She was running with for they have to run together for vice and um president, and she was a seventh grader running with the sixth grader who asked her.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um, full disclosure two weeks ago in the height, it was right after volleyball, right before auditions, and she has this epiphany that she's not gonna get the role because there's a way more popular, two popular eighth-grade girls running for president, they're gonna get it.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, partly for that, partly because she's running with a sixth grader who nobody knows, you know, all these things.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually in that moment advised her.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, babe, you don't have to run.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: You could pull out and then run again next year.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it is okay.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Well, but but Hannah, the girl she's running with, and I was like, totally, but she could be okay and figure it out.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to do this, you don't have to.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: And she looked at me and she's like, Mom, I don't want to be that kind of friend.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hannah was really excited about it, and I know we're not gonna get it, but I'd rather not leave her or abandon her.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'd rather finish this out since I said yes, and I'm just gonna treat it as a practice run so that when I get in eighth grade, I know all the things.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she started keeping a list from that, and I, y'all, I have to say, I felt so much conviction.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Yep, yep, that is the right answer.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I did not listen to the Holy Spirit in that moment, y'all.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Could you tell the difference?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: She got it.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, and I I was just quiet for a bit.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then I later was like, hey, I'm really proud of you.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think you that was the right answer.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I tried, you know, like in this idea of making repair with your kids when you miss it.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um and she was like, Yeah, I'm just gonna learn to lose well.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And in my head, I'd be like, I don't know if I can handle as your mom heart, I'm not sure if I can handle this much of a lesson in this season, you know, of losing well.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Can we have one win?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, can we have one win?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so then fast forward by the time we actually got to elections, she actually she did them, um, she did some posters, but didn't take a time, she said didn't take a ton of effort or time to make them like she did last year.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked her about it and she goes, I decided that like because we're not gonna win, I'm not gonna not do anything, because that wouldn't be fair to Hannah, but I'm not gonna give all my energy like I did 100% last year if I know it's kind of a lost cause.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna like split the middle with effort with my speech and with my poster.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, great, again, the Holy Spirit's like, you can trust her to get to good conclusions, even if they're not quick or instant, to work through resilience that maybe you wouldn't, you know, you would like to advise her or hand her.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's actually more helpful when it sell it arises from internal, you know, her own ideas than me handing her solutions.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so then my dad ended up being here, and we got to see her do the speech, and I was like, How'd you go?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: How'd it go?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Well, actually, while she was giving the speech with the little girl, fun fact, she could not, the little girl she was running with couldn't see over the podium because she's so cute and short.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And Audrey is like, if you haven't seen her yet, she's like five, six, so she's adult size.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: So the contrast was hilarious.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it, I just actually started crying with some low-key conviction from the Holy Spirit in that moment of like, wow, I really missed it.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am so grateful to have a daughter who has integrity and the forethought to like how she wants to show up as a friend, because what if this was about Hannah?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like she noticed and not just protecting your daughter, and like, what a gift.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just this beautiful moment of like, okay, yeah, that we're in a different season parenting, and it's gonna, it's more risks, it's more public risk, it's more uncomfortable, it's more disappointment.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: But like, aren't you glad that you have a daughter who's willing to try and reach for the stars and continue to risk?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And what if this lesson, oh, I feel teary, was more important about her learning, like she can be okay when she makes zero out of three of her goals and she can keep trying.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because y'all, what she has is already a notebook of ideas for campaign posters for next year.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: She started a poll to ask people what they're looking for in campaign speeches.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like she's doing all this work to set herself up and it didn't tank her like I was afraid.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, big emotions, yes.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: But watching the resilience that was born, I was like, oh, yeah, I'd rather have that.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if that's the lesson on her life in this season, man, holy spirit, I would not choose it.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I see the fruit and I see the value, so help me lose my allergy to seeing my kid in pain, you know?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last one was she had her 13th birthday last weekend.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: We had a raging fun party.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: And one of her little best friends, um this summer, they have a different family culture.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: They're first generation immigrants, and um, so they don't do birthday parties or really play dates.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and this summer, Audrey and a few, like they have like a group of four.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Little best friends, um, decided Audrey spearheaded it to send to throw her a surprise birthday party because she has never had a birthday party and probably won't based on their family culture.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so they did a play date and they arranged it, and Audrey baked a cake and used some of her money to buy.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: This girl loves orca whales, so she bought some orc, she found one that was in a price budget on Amazon and did this whole sweet little birthday moment for this her best friend who doesn't do birthday parties.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that was really sweet, and I was proud of her.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: That was this summer.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Fast forward the day of Audrey's birthday party, which she has literally been planning for a year, y'all.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not exaggerating.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: I come in and she's crying.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I literally thought, because this was the day after elections, you know, I was like, oh, I can't do more disappointment.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I can parent it.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think I used all my resilience, parenting resilience.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what, babe?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: And she told me that she got a text from the friend that her parents said, Hey, we've decided we have a rule.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can only do one birthday party a year, like one friend birthday party.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: And since you already went to your birthday party this summer, you can't go to Audrey's, which would have been painful in itself, but the mom had RSVP'd and we chatted about the party a few times, so I didn't get the memo that they had changed their mind.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we, you know, it's a friend, like we had enough of a connection that I felt sad about it.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: And Audrey just like is leaking tears, and it was just so tender.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she looks at me and she goes, Oh, I felt really sad that because I threw a party for her, she can't now be at my party.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: And she's one of the three people that I would like the top three people that I would really want to be there.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like it cost me, mom.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like my kindness cost me, and I feel I'm literally crying.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you can hear it.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: But in that moment, again, Holy Spirit, thank you for the parental parental advice.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was about to say something, and I just felt like you said, don't just be sad with her.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I just burst into tears and I sat down on the bed next to her, and we just held each other and we cried.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I told her that I was so proud of her for her choice of you know, support like doing that birthday party, and I'm so sorry it cost her.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna, you know, families are have it is okay for families to have different rules than we do, and it's okay for families to have different culture, and they probably our family culture has probably hurt some other people in indirectly, not on purpose, and they're a good family, you know, just talk through some of it, and then after we cried for a bit, and she looked at me and she's like, I know, and I'm still gonna have fun, but it does it's just really sad, but I was like, I know, babe.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: And as I walked away, I just started thinking through those four, the four big disappointments this fall, and I watching her walk through them and write herself and find her grounding and bearing and process through them and decide what she's gonna like get back up, get back up and decide what she's gonna do different next time or her takeaways.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just was flooded with like, I don't know that I've been more proud of her than I have watching her walk through these really hard things.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it was such a mind-bending, like when she's performed well or done good art or had good grades, you know, those are all beautiful, but it was one of the first because of these succinct, you know, four blows.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I am so proud of that resilience and that grit and that ability to to push through hard things and stay grounded in truth and the Lord and herself in the middle of it.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then instantly I just felt like Holy Spirit said, and now you know what I feel like as a dad.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely would not choose any of those, like thinking about him in my role as me as Audrey.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would not choose any of the hard things or the disappointment or the requ the the instances that have required resilience from you for you.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: But man, am I proud of you when you stay rooted in me and when you ground yourself and I love the big things you do for me, but you not losing hope or faith when you're walking through things that need grit and are painful, like those are when what's in you really shines out of you.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's literally how I felt about Audrey.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: So whoever needs to hear it, I just felt like this was a little family lesson on resilience and processing disappointment.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: That was so it just hit me being in the parent role and then imagining the Lord feeling saying that exactly to me, how he's never been more proud of me.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I just wanted to share that with you.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're work walking through something hard, whether it's with your kids or you, like noticing how beautiful what comes out of us when we stay rooted in grounded and faith, and it doesn't mean we we're not sad or we're dismissing or um you know pretending like our emotions aren't there or our pain's not there, but when it doesn't take us out and we don't make these oaths about staying safe, when we're okay being uncomfortable, because those are often the times we grow the most and and things that shouldn't be in us get squeezed out of us or new strength gets added.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh man, what if those are the times he's the most proud?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not because he's you know vindictive or an evil dad who's like but he's because he's like, wow, that could have taken you out, but look what you chose.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, well done, well done, daughter.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I say that to Audrey, well done.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: It has been a season that I am so proud of her.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: And whoever needs to be reminded, I bet if you're in a hard season and you've chosen resilience and grit and not let it tank you, I bet the Lord is saying the same thing over you.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well done.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well done.