Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Ask Amy & T.J.: “In My Culture, You Need Your Parents’ Blessing To Get Married. Should I Tell Them About My Secret Boyfriend?”

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Ask Amy & T.J.: “In My Culture, You Need Your Parents’ Blessing To Get Married. Should I Tell Them About My Secret Boyfriend?” · I Do, Part 2

0:01
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. SIT's Monday, August twenty fifth, and can
0:05
Speaker 1: you imagine ladies taking your fiance home to meet your
0:10
Speaker 1: parents and your parents didn't even know you had a
0:12
Speaker 1: boyfriend to begin with with that Welcome to this relationship
0:16
Speaker 1: edition of Amy and TJ, where we go over our
0:18
Speaker 1: ask Amy TJ column question from Marina on yahoo dot com.
0:22
Speaker 1: You can find it in the life session section. Robes.
0:25
Speaker 1: This is one that you almost cannot believe. Almost sounds
0:31
Speaker 1: like something from arom com that kind of a scenario.
0:33
Speaker 2: It actually does. Now that you pointed out this, we'll
0:36
Speaker 2: get into her full question to us, But to sum
0:40
Speaker 2: it up, basically, she is from a culture, she says,
0:43
Speaker 2: where you have to have your parents' approval before you
0:47
Speaker 2: can get married. Period. There is no wiggle room. And
0:50
Speaker 2: so because of that notion, maybe she was worried that
0:57
Speaker 2: maybe her partner or her romantic her boyfriend wasn't in
1:03
Speaker 2: line with what she thinks her parents want from her.
1:05
Speaker 2: He wasn't up to par right, or maybe he's.
1:08
Speaker 3: It sounds like he's because she said.
1:10
Speaker 2: He'd hear from different backgrounds, that's how she put it.
1:13
Speaker 2: She thinks that perhaps he might not be accepted so
1:15
Speaker 2: instead of explaining this to her parents, having them warm
1:20
Speaker 2: up to the idea of a boyfriend or a partner
1:22
Speaker 2: from a different culture, she just didn't tell them anything. Nothing.
1:27
Speaker 2: But now it's getting really, really serious and at a
1:30
Speaker 2: certain point, you're gonna have to come clean, right, So
1:33
Speaker 2: when's the right time to do it? If she's already waited?
1:37
Speaker 2: I believe she said more than a year, nearly a year.
1:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, this isn't gonna go well. I mean, there's another question.
1:44
Speaker 1: Is it would have been okay for her to let
1:46
Speaker 1: them know she has a boyfriend.
1:49
Speaker 2: Yes, but then I guess she knows they'll start asking questions.
1:51
Speaker 1: No, no, But I'm saying when she first started dating
1:53
Speaker 1: this guy month one, month, two, month three, she didn't
1:56
Speaker 1: know she was going to marry him necessarily. Why weren't
1:59
Speaker 1: there they aware that she was even dating somebody?
2:02
Speaker 2: Fear absolute fear. Look, when you are raised very strictly
2:06
Speaker 2: in a certain environment, with a very specific set of
2:09
Speaker 2: guidelines or even you could call them restrictions, if you
2:13
Speaker 2: go past them or beyond them, or go outside of
2:15
Speaker 2: what is considered acceptable by your family, it's scary to
2:20
Speaker 2: tell them, Hey, I know what you guys want from me.
2:22
Speaker 2: I know what you guys expect of me, and the
2:24
Speaker 2: truth is, I'm actually doing something very different. That's very
2:28
Speaker 2: scary because no one wants to be rejected by their family.
2:31
Speaker 2: And this woman who writes into us basically says if
2:35
Speaker 2: her parents don't accept or approve of her partner, she
2:40
Speaker 2: can't marry him or she would risk losing her family.
2:43
Speaker 1: So then, when you put it that way, it seems
2:47
Speaker 1: unfair to the fiance, even more so to me because
2:50
Speaker 1: now her family gets to decide his fate, something that
2:57
Speaker 1: he wants and who he gets to marry. They're not
3:01
Speaker 1: just deciding for her. It's he's made a decision about
3:04
Speaker 1: the person he wants to be with and it's not
3:06
Speaker 1: up to him.
3:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we don't know how much he knows or
3:08
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm certain he knows that he hasn't met
3:11
Speaker 2: her family, that's obvious, But does he absolutely know the
3:14
Speaker 2: real reason?
3:14
Speaker 3: Probably?
3:16
Speaker 2: I wonder what that is like for him. But yes,
3:19
Speaker 2: they're not officially fiancees yet, but she when she writes
3:23
Speaker 2: does she's basically saying that's coming. It's about to be
3:26
Speaker 2: the case, they're about to get engaged.
3:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is seems like the rom comm scenario where
3:33
Speaker 1: you're screaming at the TV like it's right there, all
3:36
Speaker 1: right there in the next room. You didn't see that
3:38
Speaker 1: help coming. It seems like it's a ridiculous scenario. You
3:40
Speaker 1: watch for like an hour and twenty minutes before everybody
3:43
Speaker 1: figure out what happens. Then they get upset, and then
3:46
Speaker 1: they make up again at the end at the airport
3:48
Speaker 1: usually right.
3:49
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, well, there's usually like some sort of a
3:53
Speaker 2: false ending to the relationship because the one person is
3:56
Speaker 2: so upset and then the other person chases them wherever
3:58
Speaker 2: it is forward another location.
4:01
Speaker 1: Do you think it's over?
4:02
Speaker 2: Bah ah, just wait, Yes, we hope this one certainly
4:06
Speaker 2: has a happy ending as well. But yet this is
4:08
Speaker 2: basically about keeping secrets and it on one hand, On
4:12
Speaker 2: the other hand, it's also about at what point is
4:14
Speaker 2: it your life? And at what point do you have
4:18
Speaker 2: to do what your family says you have to do?
4:19
Speaker 2: I mean, is there a way? Is there a way forward?
4:22
Speaker 2: As we get beyond just our tight knit circles that
4:26
Speaker 2: way back when was easy to stay into a certain
4:29
Speaker 2: tribe and stay with your kind, so to speak. But
4:32
Speaker 2: in this vastly you know connected world, can people can
4:37
Speaker 2: we maybe are we not giving our families more credit
4:41
Speaker 2: for coming along with the times, being willing to evolve
4:46
Speaker 2: from what used to work. It may not work in
4:49
Speaker 2: today's society.
4:51
Speaker 1: Well if it works with them, it works for that family.
4:53
Speaker 1: This young lady is, that's her call. The amount of
4:56
Speaker 1: power she wants to give to her family, that's up
4:59
Speaker 1: to her. I still argue that we are all Our
5:02
Speaker 1: families always surprise us where we think they are going
5:05
Speaker 1: to react one way to something we do, or to
5:07
Speaker 1: have to admit that we might do something that was disappointing.
5:10
Speaker 1: Every time they those are the ones they are going
5:13
Speaker 1: to put their arms around you because they love you.
5:15
Speaker 1: So that's going to happen, undoubtedly once she comes clean
5:21
Speaker 1: to her family. Again, I don't know the culture, we
5:24
Speaker 1: don't know the background, but I think she'd be surprised
5:27
Speaker 1: by our family's reaction and how disappointed must they feel
5:31
Speaker 1: that while we've done something to make our child feel
5:34
Speaker 1: like she can't come to us. That sucks to.
5:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, it does, absolutely, But I do think that it's look,
5:41
Speaker 2: we have watched and we have lived enough life that
5:45
Speaker 2: I think sometimes the thing we worry about the most,
5:49
Speaker 2: or the reaction we're anticipating from people who we are
5:53
Speaker 2: closest to. Sometimes we are so off we don't know
5:57
Speaker 2: what our parents or what people who love us are
6:00
Speaker 2: going to say or think. Sometimes their reactions might surprise us,
6:04
Speaker 2: and I actually think oftentimes they do. What you're worried
6:09
Speaker 2: about the most, very often doesn't come to fruition in
6:12
Speaker 2: the first place, and the biggest regret is not coming
6:15
Speaker 2: clean sooner. So let's get to the question that our
6:18
Speaker 2: reader asked us. This week's question again comes to us
6:21
Speaker 2: from Kai, and she writes, Amy and TJ. I'm in
6:25
Speaker 2: my late twenties and I've been dating my partner for
6:28
Speaker 2: almost a year. I'm head over heels and truly believe
6:32
Speaker 2: he might be the one. The problem is my parents.
6:37
Speaker 2: I come from a culture where family approval is considered
6:40
Speaker 2: essential before marriage. Because my partner and I come from
6:43
Speaker 2: different backgrounds, I worry that my parents won't accept him.
6:47
Speaker 2: They don't even know I'm in a serious relationship. I'm
6:51
Speaker 2: torn between telling them now or waiting until we're engaged.
6:55
Speaker 2: I don't want to cause unnecessary conflict, but I also
6:59
Speaker 2: don't want to keep such a big part of my
7:01
Speaker 2: life from them. What would you do in my position
7:05
Speaker 2: Kai that last part.
7:07
Speaker 1: There, like your heart goes out to her because she
7:13
Speaker 1: is probably torn and is unsure. But yeah, to think
7:20
Speaker 1: that there's something that's there that important, that she's that
7:23
Speaker 1: excited about. And who is Who's the first couple of
7:27
Speaker 1: people you're excited to tell your great news to. He
7:30
Speaker 1: is she folks, and she's keeping it from them. That's
7:33
Speaker 1: got to be tough.
7:34
Speaker 2: It is. It's got to be incredibly tough. And I
7:36
Speaker 2: think look, part of what my advice was to her
7:41
Speaker 2: was from a parent's perspective. I know what it's like
7:43
Speaker 2: to be young and in love, but from a parent's perspective,
7:47
Speaker 2: I think that, yes, we want our kids. We have
7:50
Speaker 2: a certain idea of what we want our children to
7:53
Speaker 2: become and who we'd like.
7:54
Speaker 3: To see them with.
7:55
Speaker 2: But if you see that your child is happy, that
7:59
Speaker 2: kind of trumps everything else. So you may have an
8:01
Speaker 2: idea of who the perfect partner would be, but when
8:04
Speaker 2: your child brings home somebody who genuinely makes them happy,
8:09
Speaker 2: I feel like you can soften what your expectations are
8:14
Speaker 2: when you see someone being loved by their partner. Like
8:18
Speaker 2: if I see whoever Eva and Anna decide to bring home,
8:22
Speaker 2: if I see that other person loving them and lifting
8:25
Speaker 2: them up and supporting them. That's all that matters. And
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Speaker 2: I think that's where most parents' heads are. I can't
8:31
Speaker 2: speak to their culture, obviously, but I do think that
8:35
Speaker 2: by hiding him, it almost sends a message that it's wrong.
8:39
Speaker 2: It almost reinforces this belief that she's doing something bad
8:45
Speaker 2: and that could be a problem.
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Speaker 1: In her mind, then she must be doing something wrong.
8:52
Speaker 1: So what is that thing? Look, I don't want to
8:55
Speaker 1: dive into. Let's just take it for on its servered right.
8:58
Speaker 1: What ages so we have?
9:00
Speaker 2: She said, late twenties.
9:01
Speaker 1: Okay, let's say they're both age appropriate. Right. There's nothing
9:04
Speaker 1: wild about him. He's not some criminal off the street,
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Speaker 1: He's not some right he just say this is a
9:09
Speaker 1: normal dude.
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Speaker 2: He's from a different background. That's what we have.
9:12
Speaker 1: Okay. Then it sounds almost like she knows he was
9:16
Speaker 1: a non starter. If this is that important to you
9:20
Speaker 1: in culture, why are you even dabbling outside of what
9:24
Speaker 1: you think is going to be okay for your culture?
9:27
Speaker 1: Why do that?
9:28
Speaker 2: Now?
9:28
Speaker 1: I'm not saying at all that's what I think people
9:31
Speaker 1: should do, But going by the rules she appears to
9:34
Speaker 1: have for her family, why did she not follow them.
9:37
Speaker 2: Right, because I was thinking, and I wrote this in
9:40
Speaker 2: my advice to Kai, that if you don't let your
9:43
Speaker 2: parents know, it's almost as if they're thinking, if he's
9:48
Speaker 2: so great, if he's the one, why am I just
9:51
Speaker 2: now meeting him. And that's going to be a hard
9:53
Speaker 2: question for her to answer because she'll have to say, well,
9:57
Speaker 2: it's because I thought you wouldn't approve. I don't know
10:00
Speaker 2: how that will fly. But I think going in with
10:03
Speaker 2: confidence and saying I understand that you have certain expectations,
10:07
Speaker 2: but I hope you can understand how wonderful this man is.
10:10
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter that he's this ethnicity or he has
10:13
Speaker 2: this religion, because here are all the great things about him,
10:16
Speaker 2: and going strong, go in with confidence, but going sooner
10:19
Speaker 2: rather than later. Absolutely, I think the longer you wait,
10:22
Speaker 2: the harder it is. It might you're just kicking the
10:25
Speaker 2: can down the road, but I think it actually has
10:27
Speaker 2: bigger complications than just having a longer period of time
10:31
Speaker 2: where you are unsure and things are hanging in the
10:35
Speaker 2: balance and twisting in the wind. You're actually the longer
10:37
Speaker 2: you wait, the more suffering you're causing. I think for
10:41
Speaker 2: you and for your boyfriend, but also the more damage
10:44
Speaker 2: being done because you're going to have to explain an
10:46
Speaker 2: even longer gap in time. I'd rather know my child's
10:49
Speaker 2: partner or soon to be partner before they get engaged,
10:53
Speaker 2: get to know them and kind of feel like I'm
10:54
Speaker 2: along with the decision, I'm along for the ride. I
10:58
Speaker 2: don't just get told what's happening and sorrow. You had
11:01
Speaker 2: no idea. This has been going on for months, maybe
11:05
Speaker 2: even years.
11:06
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I've even seen that scenario in a
11:09
Speaker 1: movie before, which you cannot be introducing somebody to your
11:12
Speaker 1: parents for the first time as your fiance.
11:14
Speaker 2: That's tough.
11:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't. That's never gonna go well, not even
11:18
Speaker 1: the movies. It doesn't go well this lady and lady,
11:22
Speaker 1: I'll go back. I'm reading through her thing again. The
11:25
Speaker 1: problem is my parents. And as soon as you started
11:28
Speaker 1: reading the problem is my parents. Is that fair?
11:32
Speaker 2: It's what she thinks the problem is. But perhaps if
11:36
Speaker 2: she looked inward and realized it's her inability to live
11:39
Speaker 2: her own life and explain that to her parents.
11:41
Speaker 1: Have you have you hidden who you're dating from your
11:45
Speaker 1: parents for fear that they would be upset about who
11:47
Speaker 1: you're dating.
11:49
Speaker 3: I'm trying to think. I mean, I can understand.
11:52
Speaker 1: Besides me, I'm sorry, Yes.
11:54
Speaker 3: We can get into that in a moment, But I
11:56
Speaker 3: do think that.
11:59
Speaker 2: It's I can understand the argument not wanting to introduce
12:02
Speaker 2: someone to your parents who you don't think you're going
12:05
Speaker 2: to have a serious relationship with.
12:07
Speaker 3: One hundred percent everyone does that.
12:09
Speaker 2: You think about whether or not somebody, I hate to
12:11
Speaker 2: us this worthy enough, but if your relationship maybe is
12:14
Speaker 2: worthy enough to bring to your parents, you don't want
12:16
Speaker 2: to bring every person that you've ever dated by your
12:18
Speaker 2: parents just.
12:18
Speaker 3: To Hey, look who I'm dating right now.
12:20
Speaker 1: It's a big moment to meet parents.
12:21
Speaker 3: It has to be.
12:22
Speaker 2: A certain level of relationship for you to introduce them.
12:26
Speaker 2: But I also would say that along the way, if
12:28
Speaker 2: I'm dating you know Tom or Jim whatever, I will
12:32
Speaker 2: probably mention to my I'm made up total Tom name Tom.
12:39
Speaker 3: Look even I didn't either, I didn't know James.
12:44
Speaker 2: The point being is I can understand casually mentioning like
12:48
Speaker 2: oh yeah, I'm just kind of dating around or seeing somebody,
12:51
Speaker 2: but never ever wanting my parents to actually meet them.
12:53
Speaker 2: In fact, even right now, my oldest she told me
12:57
Speaker 2: that she has had a third date with someone. I
13:00
Speaker 2: don't know his name. I know a little bit about him,
13:03
Speaker 2: but she's casually mentioned it. I have zero desire to
13:06
Speaker 2: meet him. She is zero desire to introduce me to him.
13:08
Speaker 3: But I do have an.
13:09
Speaker 2: Awareness I would like for, you know, if maybe if
13:12
Speaker 2: it goes to the fifth or sixth state, maybe I'd
13:15
Speaker 2: like to know his name. But I do get it, like,
13:18
Speaker 2: we don't have to know everything as parents, and I
13:20
Speaker 2: don't think children have to tell their parents everyone who
13:23
Speaker 2: they're dating. But this is far different from that. And
13:26
Speaker 2: we personally know what it's like, the consequences that you
13:30
Speaker 2: suffer sometimes if you don't, if you aren't transparent with
13:35
Speaker 2: something serious, for the people who are closest to you.
13:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we have vowed as recently and reiterated it
13:47
Speaker 1: in the past two weeks to our parents, something that
13:50
Speaker 1: we say we will never ever ever do again.
14:04
Speaker 2: Welcome Aback, Welcome a Back. That was funny. I'm taken, aback,
14:12
Speaker 2: I'm welcome, all.
14:14
Speaker 1: Right, Fine, let's keep it.
14:16
Speaker 3: I've got a case of the Mondays.
14:17
Speaker 1: That's all I can say. Awesome, that was so great.
14:20
Speaker 1: This is be my favorite episode.
14:23
Speaker 2: Welcome Welcome Back, and Please don't be taken aback by
14:28
Speaker 2: my lack of knowledge of how to form a sentence
14:31
Speaker 2: in the English language.
14:32
Speaker 3: Anyway.
14:32
Speaker 2: Welcome back to this edition of Amy and DJ, where
14:35
Speaker 2: we are actually talking about our latest column, our relationship
14:40
Speaker 2: advice column. It drops every Monday on Yahoo dot Com
14:45
Speaker 2: in a life section, And this week's question comes to
14:48
Speaker 2: us from a reader named Kai, and she is really
14:51
Speaker 2: struggling with how to, when, to if to tell her
14:56
Speaker 2: parents that she is seriously dating someone who has a
14:59
Speaker 2: different background, who she believes her parents won't approve of
15:03
Speaker 2: because they come from different backgrounds. And Tej in your
15:07
Speaker 2: initial advice to Kai, you actually spoke from experience.
15:11
Speaker 1: I mean I actually spoke from experience.
15:14
Speaker 2: Our experience. I'm just saying as well you said, and
15:16
Speaker 2: it's our shared experience.
15:18
Speaker 1: Well, that's a what out of fear? Right, we didn't
15:24
Speaker 1: tell our parents something out of fear, our fear at
15:29
Speaker 1: the time parents were aware of divorce, but we didn't
15:33
Speaker 1: tell then that we had started dating. Now, once we
15:35
Speaker 1: started dating, it wasn't serious enough initially to a point
15:39
Speaker 1: that we necessarily felt we should but we probably still
15:44
Speaker 1: should have, and our folks had to find out about
15:46
Speaker 1: it when everybody else in the world did. But that
15:50
Speaker 1: was a time we could have used some support, some
15:56
Speaker 1: support for us as a couple that we didn't seek
16:01
Speaker 1: out from anybody. Like a very difficult time for us.
16:05
Speaker 1: So to kai what she's going through now, trying to
16:12
Speaker 1: figure out the next step of her life. She's about
16:13
Speaker 1: to possibly get married, and you don't have the support
16:16
Speaker 1: of your I mean, you even want your family to
16:17
Speaker 1: size a guy up, right, You want your friends, You
16:20
Speaker 1: want people around and say yeah, we like them, we
16:22
Speaker 1: don't like them, whatever may be. It's just we never
16:26
Speaker 1: We were on with my dad recently and there was
16:30
Speaker 1: I can't remember what it was and whatever tabloid, but
16:33
Speaker 1: it got to a point that we needed to call
16:36
Speaker 1: our parents and say, hey, you're going to be seeing
16:39
Speaker 1: this and just want to make sure you understand that no,
16:41
Speaker 1: that is not the case. This is what's up, and
16:45
Speaker 1: you all will never we have pledged to them, we
16:48
Speaker 1: will never ever let you all hear something about our
16:51
Speaker 1: relationship in a paper or a tabloid first.
16:55
Speaker 2: Because once something like that does happen, once news slips
16:59
Speaker 2: to you or family or your parents before you're able
17:02
Speaker 2: to actually tell them, it's hard to have them feel
17:05
Speaker 2: like you are trusting in them again. Like to your point,
17:08
Speaker 2: my mom saw that we both wore Ora rings. I
17:10
Speaker 2: think we've talked about this before, and she actually asked me,
17:13
Speaker 2: but she took her a while to build up the
17:14
Speaker 2: courage to ask me if you and I had already
17:17
Speaker 2: gotten married. And that is when we said, and I
17:20
Speaker 2: think you said this to her too, we would never
17:22
Speaker 2: We will never do that without telling you first. We
17:26
Speaker 2: are going to include you in our plans before they happen.
17:29
Speaker 2: You're not going to be the last person to find
17:31
Speaker 2: out something ever again. And I think we learned that
17:34
Speaker 2: clearly the hard way. But to Kai, we would say,
17:37
Speaker 2: I would say that I don't think there is any
17:42
Speaker 2: harm in telling your parents. In fact, I know it
17:45
Speaker 2: takes courage and I know it takes bravery, but that's
17:50
Speaker 2: never going to be the thing you regret. You're going
17:52
Speaker 2: to regret your silence in this particular point. I think
17:55
Speaker 2: a lot of times people say, oh, you can never
17:57
Speaker 2: regret your silences. In this instance, you can. When it
18:00
Speaker 2: comes to your family and bringing them in. If you
18:02
Speaker 2: want their support and you need their support, which I
18:04
Speaker 2: think most of us do, the best way to get
18:07
Speaker 2: it is to be transparent is to be forthcoming and
18:10
Speaker 2: to trust in their love for you. Trust that their
18:14
Speaker 2: love for you is greater than any cultural norm or
18:20
Speaker 2: cultural tradition that they were brought up with, that they
18:23
Speaker 2: can grow and they can evolve beyond what perhaps some
18:26
Speaker 2: strict box was that they were put in. Maybe they
18:30
Speaker 2: think they want the same for you, But when they
18:32
Speaker 2: see your joy and they see their happiness, their love
18:34
Speaker 2: will break through that cultural tradition at least I would
18:38
Speaker 2: hope so. And if it doesn't, and if they don't,
18:40
Speaker 2: then that's on them, not on you.
18:44
Speaker 1: What would you suggest be the tactic for letting them know.
18:49
Speaker 2: I think the tactic would be toa I don't know
18:53
Speaker 2: how close they are logistically, if it's a phone call
18:57
Speaker 2: or if it's at least to FaceTime, but I think
18:58
Speaker 2: it needs to be in face, face to face, and
19:01
Speaker 2: I think it's just her with her parents. Don't bring
19:03
Speaker 2: boyfriend into it yet, just kai talking to her parents,
19:07
Speaker 2: and if she can't do it in person, do it
19:10
Speaker 2: on FaceTime. But just say hey, I have good news
19:13
Speaker 2: that I want to share with you that I have
19:15
Speaker 2: not shared with you yet. I wanted to make sure
19:17
Speaker 2: it was worth sharing. And now I know it is,
19:19
Speaker 2: and go into it with something positive. Don't say I
19:22
Speaker 2: know you might be mad, Please don't be mad. If
19:25
Speaker 2: you set it up like that, you're almost giving them
19:26
Speaker 2: permission to be angry. In a sense, I would start
19:29
Speaker 2: in with positivity and joy and say, I love you,
19:32
Speaker 2: I know what you want from me, and I hope
19:33
Speaker 2: what you want for me above all else is for
19:37
Speaker 2: me to be happy and to a found love. And
19:39
Speaker 2: I think I have found that, and I want to
19:41
Speaker 2: share you, share with you who this man is, and
19:43
Speaker 2: just go into it with positive, with the positive thoughts
19:47
Speaker 2: and positive words.
19:50
Speaker 1: And the only change I would have to that that
19:52
Speaker 1: even if you don't live near your parents, take a flight,
19:57
Speaker 1: this needs to be done in person.
19:59
Speaker 2: Really, you don't think FaceTime good enough.
20:01
Speaker 1: I said something about that that physical energy gives the thing.
20:04
Speaker 1: You know, there's body language, there's a thing just a
20:08
Speaker 1: warmth and I love the even and a compassion and
20:11
Speaker 1: an emotional energy that has to be felt side by side,
20:15
Speaker 1: face to face with parents.
20:17
Speaker 2: I just but what if that delays it even further?
20:19
Speaker 2: What if she can't get off.
20:20
Speaker 1: Already a year at this point, you already screwed this
20:25
Speaker 1: thing up. So if it's a couple more weekends.
20:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that kai. What I would say
20:30
Speaker 2: is they might not react.
20:32
Speaker 1: Well, if there's the thing, well, oh I was about
20:34
Speaker 1: to say, they might not react the way you think
20:36
Speaker 1: they are.
20:36
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well, they might react incredibly well, they might
20:39
Speaker 2: be incredibly supportive.
20:41
Speaker 3: They might say, all we care about.
20:43
Speaker 2: Is your happiness. But let's just say her worst fears
20:46
Speaker 2: come true, which could absolutely happen, and they aren't happy.
20:49
Speaker 2: Give them a second, give them a moment to live
20:52
Speaker 2: with it, to kind of get used to the idea
20:55
Speaker 2: of it. And then and only when they are ready,
21:00
Speaker 2: you introduce the boyfriend.
21:01
Speaker 1: But it's gonna be it could possibly be hard when
21:04
Speaker 1: it does happen, it could be really hard. But every
21:07
Speaker 1: minute that goes by, extra minute that goes by that
21:11
Speaker 1: you don't tell them, it gets harder and harder and harder.
21:15
Speaker 1: The closer you get to an engagement. I mean, the
21:17
Speaker 1: engagement could have happened by now. Are they delaying because
21:20
Speaker 1: of this? Possibly? What is she telling this young man?
21:23
Speaker 1: I want to marry you, but you haven't let me
21:26
Speaker 1: meet your parents yet. I don't know. They don't even
21:28
Speaker 1: know about me. Does he even know about that? That's
21:30
Speaker 1: another rom common scenario I'm sure I've seen recently.
21:36
Speaker 2: There are a lot of complicating factors to all of this,
21:39
Speaker 2: but I think the best way forward, the best way out,
21:42
Speaker 2: is through, and to get through it, you have to
21:44
Speaker 2: be honest.
21:44
Speaker 3: You have to be transparent.
21:47
Speaker 2: And we've talked about this so much, but that has
21:49
Speaker 2: been my biggest regret when I look back, especially when
21:52
Speaker 2: it came to our relationships, not being transparent, because when
21:55
Speaker 2: you don't, when you don't tell your story, someone else will.
21:59
Speaker 2: Who knows what they're thinking about their daughter, who knows
22:01
Speaker 2: if they're trying to set her up, who knows what
22:03
Speaker 2: they have in their mind about what her life, what
22:06
Speaker 2: her relationship, what her family is going to look like.
22:08
Speaker 2: And so the sooner she explains to them the path
22:11
Speaker 2: that she's on, the better off.
22:13
Speaker 3: The sooner they're going.
22:14
Speaker 2: To be off to a better path period in the future.
22:17
Speaker 2: About having a non strained relationship, so I just you know,
22:22
Speaker 2: trust us in.
22:24
Speaker 3: The sense that we have walked to that path.
22:26
Speaker 2: Before, and there's just no place for secret. Secrets always
22:30
Speaker 2: end badly. Secret relationship, just a secret that you're carrying
22:36
Speaker 2: with you, you're the one who ends up suffering even
22:38
Speaker 2: not the people you're keeping it from, but you yourself are suffering,
22:41
Speaker 2: and perhaps your relationship is too, because imagine you love someone,
22:45
Speaker 2: you're excited, you think they're the one, but you have
22:47
Speaker 2: this sense of dread when it comes to that relationship
22:50
Speaker 2: because you can't be honest with your family about who
22:53
Speaker 2: you love. That's a really, really tough position to be in,
22:55
Speaker 2: and I feel for Kai completely. But we would love
22:59
Speaker 2: for you all to check out this latest edition of
23:03
Speaker 2: Ask Amy and TG. So please everyone go to Yahoo,
23:06
Speaker 2: go to the life section, read what Kai had to say.
23:09
Speaker 2: You can read our full advice there, and then we
23:12
Speaker 2: urge you please go ahead get on those comments, give
23:15
Speaker 2: Kai the best advice you have. Maybe some of you
23:17
Speaker 2: have walked this walk and we don't have that specific
23:20
Speaker 2: experience of having a family that wants a specific partner
23:26
Speaker 2: for you. That's a whole other set of parameters and
23:31
Speaker 2: guidelines that I never had to navigate. So for any
23:33
Speaker 2: of you who have had to do that, we would
23:35
Speaker 2: absolutely appreciate your comments. And we'll do another podcast this
23:38
Speaker 2: week talking about what you our listener and the readers
23:41
Speaker 2: had to say to Kai.