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Society's Obsession with "Family Birthdays" · The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For

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I'm feeling like today is the day that my opinion offends
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someone, so let's jump right into it.
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You guys. Welcome back to the opinion you
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didn't ask for. I'm Hannah and I'm back from my
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little vacay with my husband. He had to go on like a work
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trip, but we turned it into a belated anniversary trip and so
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we scheduled it over spring break.
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So my parents took my kids and the two of us got away for
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almost an entire week, just me and him, which was honestly kind
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of weird. I'm like, I don't have kids
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bedtimes, you know, I don't have cold food when we go out to eat
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because I'm making sure everyone else has eaten.
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And it was super, super nice, right?
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Like it's so fun to just get away with him, right?
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Like we feel like we're, I want to say newlyweds, but I was
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pregnant our whole first year of marriage.
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So, you know, not really newlyweds.
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So we're kind of getting to experience this little stage of
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life where my kids are old enough to leave and getting to
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spend time just the two of us. And he kept saying like I miss
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the kids or we should have just brought them.
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And yes, I understand. And it wasn't because he didn't
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want to spend time with me. But we love our kids.
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We love spending time with our kids.
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They're our little best friends. I'm honestly trying to raise
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humans that I enjoy being around.
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And so we really do love having our kids with us and going
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places with them and you know, taking them to the movies or
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going out to eat. Like we love having all of us
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together as a family. However, I think it is so
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important that couples get alone time, that couples have intimate
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one-on-one time without the children around.
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And even just dropping my kids off, we met my parents halfway.
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They took the kids the drive home.
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We had an entire conversation and weren't interrupted one
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time. Not one person needed one thing
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from us. I got through a whole sentence
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without someone being like mom, mom, mom.
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Like, OK, hold on. Like your snack can wait or you
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know, it doesn't matter if your shoes are on.
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We're in the car. But like, that is how my life is
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right now. That you know, there is no
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passenger Princess. I am.
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I am the car slave who does all of the chores and who takes care
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of all the snack opening and fixes the juice and breaks up
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all the fights. And that is my job.
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So it is not peaceful when I am in the passenger seat.
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So it was so fun. And that doesn't mean I'm a bad
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mom because I enjoyed time without my kids.
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I deserve the ability to reset. I deserve that ability.
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So does my husband. He deserves to be able to not
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always be in dad mode and gets to be in fun husband mode, which
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we normally only get to be for an hour or two at the end of the
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day when the kids are all in bed.
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But then we're both trying to get things done.
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I'm trying to clean up the house or he's going to the gym or we
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want to watch our show together. So there's not as much talking
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time, y'all? We had more talking time this
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last week than I think we've had in a year, OK?
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We'd be driving and the music would be on and it'd be quiet
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for like a second and I'd be like, So what do you want to
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talk about? And he's like, we've been
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talking for days. And I'm like, yeah, well, I've
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got more things to say, OK. We went to dinners and I was
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like, what is this? Like you and I, we only needed
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two chairs. We went to multiple places and
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we only had to get a table for two.
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It was wild. It was fun, but we sat at the
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table and I think that this is so healthy to do, like couple
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check insurance. And I asked him, like, what has
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been the greatest thing or the biggest change over the last
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eight years? Like what is something that you
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feel like has changed in our marriage or in yourself?
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And then I asked like, what has been the hardest part of
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marriage? And it was so fun to see how far
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we've come, how much we've both grown individually and as a
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couple and as parents. And we were able to dig deep and
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have vulnerable conversations and deep conversations and just
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get to fall more in love. Like we were together majority
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of the time. He only had to work a little
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bit, a few days. We were together the whole time,
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not one argument, not one disagreement, not one time that
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I was annoyed with him. Like which miracles, honestly.
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And I know that that is not always the case, right?
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Like sometimes they just get on your nerves.
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But we are all together all the time.
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He works from home. We are together 24/7.
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So that is very common for us to spend that much time together,
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but not to actually talk about our life plans, life goals where
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we see ourselves in a year, five years, 10 years.
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And so it's been really fun. OK, it was this amazing trip,
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but it made me realize and it brought me back to a
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conversation I had a few months ago with my best friend who it
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was like a verbal, not even a verbal submission.
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OK, this was like a face to face because she was sitting on my
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couch and she came to stay with me and we were talking about
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they're about to have their ten year wedding anniversary.
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They kind of wanted to go on this getaway trip, like a big
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trip for their ten year and do something really cool and fun.
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And she's like, but her husband was like, let's just bring the
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kids and make our anniversary like a family birthday.
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And she's talking, she's telling me about the plans.
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So they might do something else instead.
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That's more, you know, fun for their boys 'cause they love
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having their their kids with them, which I understand, right?
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Like I understand that as a mom. But she gets done and I'm
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sitting there and I just look at her and I was like, can I give
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you my opinion? Which would we expect anything
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less from me? Absolutely not and neither does
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she. She does not expect less.
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She's like of course I expected it honestly, like give it to me.
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So here is my opinion. I and this might ruffle some
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feathers, this might sound rude. I swear it's not.
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And she's not offended. Trust me, she knows me.
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I hate when people try to turn anniversaries into family
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birthdays. It is not your family birthday,
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OK? Those kids, for the majority,
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OK, not everyone, but for the most part, those kids weren't at
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the wedding, OK? They were not a part of that
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celebration and they didn't help pay for a thing.
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Your wedding was your day. Your anniversary is a symbolic,
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you know, memory Every year that you guys have still chosen each
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other, that another year has gone and we still love each
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other or we are still fighting for each other.
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We are still working at this marriage like we have done that.
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And I think it almost does your marriage a disservice when you
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turn everything into a kid friendly event or a kids
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included moment. Because as a wife, as a mom, and
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this is just me personally, I have found moments where I feel
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I don't even want to say jealous of my kids because that is not
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truly how I feel. But sometimes, like the brain, I
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don't know how to process it. So when I had Trace, Taylor
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would come home from work because he didn't work from home
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yet. He'd come home from work and
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he'd immediately take Blake and they would go to the store for
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me. Or that he would take her
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outside or I would go, you know, lay down while Trace was
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sleeping as a newborn and he would take her.
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But I found myself almost jealous of the time she was
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getting with him. Like he gets home from work and
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immediately he's in dad mode and taking care of her, which a lot
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of it might have been the postpartum.
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I am so grateful for you guys. I am so grateful that I married
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someone who loved being a dad, who would come home and not even
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need to be asked to help. But there were times I felt like
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I'm the mom. I'm this mom.
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I have this new baby and she's getting to hang out with my best
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friend. OK, because he is.
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He's my best friend. But he was helping me in ways
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that I didn't even realize I needed.
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But I didn't realize how much I was lacking time with him in the
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depths of motherhood and postpartum.
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And we had two under 2. Don't recommend that.
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That's a whole different conversation.
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Honestly, I could go on for days.
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I love it now, but I sure didn't then.
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So there are times in our marriages where I feel like,
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yeah, the kids, they need attention, especially when
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they're younger. They need more of your constant
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love and attention and care. However, your kids should not be
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coming first. Your spouse should always be #1
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and I think a lot of people, and I know this for a fact because I
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have social media, OK, I see a lot of posts, a lot of people
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forget that they put their kids in the number one spot and the
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spouse either falls second or possibly third or fourth, OK.
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And that is going to create resentments from one side or the
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other. And it's not just moms doing
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this. Husbands will put the kids
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first. And I don't know why, you know,
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my wife is so frustrated. However, home girl hasn't been
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touched or kissed or told she looks beautiful in the last
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week. Even if she hasn't showered, you
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still tell her she looks beautiful in case she birthed
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your children. She's taking care of them.
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But so often husbands and wives aren't giving the same attention
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to their spouse as they are the kids.
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And they see it as this, Oh my kids need this, They need that.
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No, your kids need to see a healthy marriage.
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Your kids need to see their mother being told she's
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beautiful and that you love her and that you're grateful for
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her. Or they need to see you tell
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your husband, their father, how amazing he is and how hard he
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works and thanking him for what he is doing for you.
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Right. Like, both parties need to be
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appreciated, and the children need to see that more than they
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need to be coddled, more than they need to be obsessed over,
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OK? Kids don't need as much
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attention as we think they do, OK?
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And that is why we have so many dependent children on their
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parents. Give them their wings to fly,
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OK? They do not need constant
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helicoptering. Let them make mistakes.
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Let them get slightly injured. Be there when they need you to
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be there, but be able to take a step back.
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And I think a lot of it is more parents don't want to.
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It's not so much the kids need the parent unless they've
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created super dependent kids. The parents don't want to let up
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that control. They don't want to let go of
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their babies. Like they're only small for so
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long. Absolutely.
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They are only small for so long. But I have seen so many
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marriages where the kids get older and they're way less
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dependent on their parents and the kids are out of the house
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and suddenly they're stuck at home with their spouse that they
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chose to marry and it's like they don't even know each other.
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OK? You don't want to be strangers
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to your spouse when your last kid leaves the house.
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You don't want that. I promise you, you don't.
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And your kids don't want that. Your kids are watching your
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marriage and they're deciding right then and there.
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Do I want to mirror this? Do I want to have the kind of
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love my parents have? Or do I want the complete
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opposite? Because those two are a hot
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mess. OK, you're setting that example.
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And I'm really passionate about it because I feel like we've
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tried really, really hard to be like, stop, hold on.
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Like if I'm in the middle of a conversation and my daughter
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interrupts, my husband will be like, excuse me, your mother is
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speaking like, Or if they're yelling at me, he'll be like,
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don't talk to my best friend like that.
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Like he is showing them how to respect me and how and that I am
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his most important person. And they'll even say, like,
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dad's in love with mom, like dad is mom's best friend or mom is
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dad's best friend. They're in love.
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And I am so grateful that that's what my kids say about us.
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I am so grateful that they know their dad's picking me over
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them. And I'm so grateful they know,
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you know, vice versa. Obviously, we love our children.
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Obviously we love our kids. We love hanging out with our
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kids, K, They're really funny. They're really cool to spend
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time with. And I wouldn't give them up.
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I wouldn't trade them to not be a mom anymore, right?
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Like I would not be like if we could go back in time, I
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wouldn't have them, which if any of you watched love is blind,
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the one sister who was like, I love my kids, but if I got
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another life, I would choose not to have them.
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And I, that's just, I, that's a whole different conversation
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apparently, because man, I have thoughts on that too, because
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how horrid to say that out loud or to think.
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And I get it's hard sometimes being a mom.
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You have to be selfless being a parent, you have to give a lot
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more than you want to give sometimes.
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But I would not trade that for a millisecond.
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I love being their mom, but I also love being Taylor's wife
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and I love having time with him. So I just think that there is
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there's this magic and letting something be your own, your
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wedding anniversary, the day that you 2 chose each other,
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that is your day. That is your moment.
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You should not be including your children.
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And I'm not to say that like they can't be in the house on
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the day of your anniversary, but you should be going out to
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dinner just the two of you. You should be trying to find a
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way, even if you can't afford it or you don't have someone to
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help watch your kids or there's obviously other circumstances.
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Put them to bed and have one of you go pick up food or have
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someone make a special dinner, set a candle out, put on some
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romantic music, sit at the table just the two of you and have
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that anniversary, OK. And if you can do more, great.
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If you can't, that's OK. Everyone's at different stages.
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But your children should not be thinking, oh good, it's the
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family birthday. Because as a wife and I told my
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bestie this, I was like, I would feel angry.
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I would feel resentful if he's over here trying to be like, OK,
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let's just have a family birthday.
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Like we don't need to celebrate just us 'cause every other
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holiday is everyone else unless it's your birthday, right?
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Like that is the only day that's about you.
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But your anniversary is the day that's about the two of you, the
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day the two of you chose each other.
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And the kids should see that. They should see that you 2
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choose each other and are still choosing each other and that
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they don't always get to be a part of that.
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OK. And she wasn't offended by that.
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She's like, no, I understand that.
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Like we just love having our boys around and I totally get it
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and that's OK. There are people, I have seen
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multiple influencers that post like our family anniversary or
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our family birthday. And I'm just like, no, I don't
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agree. I just don't agree with that.
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That is my opinion that that is unhealthy and that at some point
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it will cause resentment or that when the kids are out of the
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house and it's like just your anniversary, that's like, what
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do we do now? Like, and maybe not, maybe some
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people are like, no, we're great at date nights.
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We're great at couples getaways, OK.
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We aren't. We are in the depths of
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parenthood and we can't afford to just go on a bunch of
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getaways and a vacations and we don't do date nights hardly
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ever. And so for us, I want to be able
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to say, hey, we had a lone time, even if it's belated, OK, our
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anniversary is in February. We went on this trip in April,
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Obviously wasn't the same day, but I knew it was coming and we
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knew what it was called. Like we called this our belated
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anniversary trip. OK, We knew what the point of
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this was. It was to celebrate our our
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marriage and our connection and our love for each other.
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So there's that. And as I thought about that and
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on the trip and being without kids, you know, my brain, it was
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going because I have lots of thoughts, lots of opinions.
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Every single day I could give like 17 episodes on things.
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I just wish I could have a recorder in my head 'cause man,
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I could go for hours on certain topics.
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But I think in line with this is and I know that this may be,
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this may be a minority opinion. I don't actually know if this is
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even a majority opinion. However, I do not believe in Co
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sleeping OK? I do not believe in sharing a
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bed with your children. And hold on before y'all freak
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out. Before you get real annoyed with
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me and turn this off, listen there are different situations
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where I'm like OK if it's a a short period of time or when you
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are a new mom. No I never Co slept with any of
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my kids. I am a very deep sleeper and I
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watched a horrible episode of law and order once when I was a
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kid that gave me so much anxiety that I was like my children will
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never be in my bed. OK not saying that that's how
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anyone else feels. That is how I felt.
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So when I before I even had children, before I even had a
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husband I was like I will never sleep in the bed with my kids
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because I cannot have that episode become my reality.
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It was horrible and it still haunts me OK but I know that
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some parents Co sleep. I know that the hospital says
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don't do that. I am such a deep sleeper that my
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children must be placed and they were in a bassinet right next to
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my bed, but they were not in my physical bed with me unless when
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Trace was a baby Man, God bless me for surviving him as a a
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newborn. He was hard, but he had a hard
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time breathing a lot and he would stop breathing a lot.
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So I learned to sleep sitting up with him on my chest because I
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knew I could not lay down with him.
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He also needed the elevation and then Taylor would wake up in the
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middle of the night, see me, he would tag me out, he would sit
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up, hold him so I could lay down for my back sake.
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You know, that was, but that was a very short period.
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It was when he was sick as a baby, he was fine.
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It got better. So he would sleep in his
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bassinet. All my kids slept in a bassinet
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next to my bed, but never in my bed because I just couldn't
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handle it. Well, as they get older and you
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know what I do not understand families that still have their
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kids sleeping in the beds because I'm like, how, how do
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you do it? They my kids a take forever to
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go to bed, but they need their own quiet space.
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Nobody there, nobody moving, y'all.
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I move a lot. I am like a tornado in bed.
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When I was a kid, every morning my mom had to remake my bed
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because she would come in and all the sheets would be swirled
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in the center and I'd be laying either somehow, somehow in them
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or laying around the sheets. But my bed had been completely
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stripped while I was sleeping. Because I move, I roll, I tug, I
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pull. Like every morning that she
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found those little like bed straps to clip to the sheets to
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hold down all four corners so that I can only do it to the top
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half of the bed that the bed sheet would stay on and then she
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would just have to make the top half every morning.
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That is how it is here, OK? I, I sleep like a tornado and
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I'm still a grown up and I still sleep like a child, OK.
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I don't know how these people are sleeping.
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Also, kids will like, slap you and kick you and punch you.
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And I'm like, how are you getting restful sleep?
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That's my first question. I have a lot of questions.
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That's going to be #1 is how are you even doing it?
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Second, and this is a couple years ago, this influencer
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posted, she has millions of followers.
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She has three kids and they all sleep in her room, not in her
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bed anymore because they're too big, which I'm like, if your
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kids are too big to sleep in your bed, they are too big to be
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in your bedroom. Not the point.
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They had little stations, like they had little caught bed areas
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that each of their kids had and they all sleep in the same
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bedroom, which I was just like, absolutely not.
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But one of her followers deemed her or unlike one of those
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little question boxes or whatever and was like, how do
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you guys like do it if your kids are in the room?
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And I remember her response was so snarky and it honestly
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annoyed me because she was like, yeah, heaven forbid.
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Like the only place we can, you know, do marital things is in
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the bedroom. Like, you guys are so
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uncreative. You're so, you know, close
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minded to, you know, how a couple should do things.
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And I was so annoyed because I'm like, no, that's not it.
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Like, yeah, you could do it in every single room of your house.
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The living room, the couch, the kitchen counter, like whatever
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you could do. I want to do that?
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Absolutely not. I paid good money for that
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mattress. I like my pillows.
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OK. I like having a door that shuts
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and then I know no one's going to accidentally wake up and walk
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in on like, there's a lock on the door for a reason.
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Like, no, obviously you you can do it in every room of your
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house. Sure.
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Do I want to? No, I don't want to do that.
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And it's not even always OK because then you have to plan it
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and then it's not as spontaneous or as like wild or whatever.
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But some of you were like, Hannah, this may be TMI.
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Nah, there is no such thing as TMI with me.
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OK. The problem is I will give way
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too much information that people did not sign up for.
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And I'm like, sorry, not sorry. OK.
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You chose to be here. That is just not.
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I don't want to have to schedule it every time, OK?
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There is something so fun about being so tired.
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You get in bed, you say goodnight, you roll over and
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then suddenly things get happening, OK, It's it's
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spontaneous. It's fun.
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You know what? You can't do that when children
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are in your bed. OK, 'cause that's just a wildly
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inappropriate and B, they will not sleep through that.
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OK, I there's my second question.
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I guess, like, I just don't understand how that's even fun.
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And I feel like it's the same with, you know, wedding
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anniversary being turned to a family birthday.
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Someone is going to start getting resentful.
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I feel like one of the spouses is going to be like, hi, I would
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like to have my bed back. Like, I don't know why you need
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our kids to be in our bed because it takes away that
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intimacy, that privacy. Also, I don't think children
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need to be welcome in every single bedroom of the house, OK?
22:26
If they have access to every room, they are not being taught
22:31
boundaries. They are not being taught that
22:33
there is a time and a place that they are not always going to be
22:37
included in situations. And I believe that your bedroom
22:42
should be your escape, your private place, your child free
22:48
zone. OK, when I go in there, because
22:51
I know people that were like my parents never fought or like if
22:54
they did, they'd go to the bedroom, close the door.
22:56
Well, how is that supposed to be happening if that's your bedroom
22:59
too? OK, if you're like, well, I
23:00
sleep in there, so excuse me while you 2 fight.
23:03
I'm going to just get in the bed.
23:05
No, you have to have a place that is your own.
23:08
I want to go take a shower. I walk in there and I don't have
23:11
to worry. Someone's walking in after me.
23:13
OK, That definitely does happen. But it's usually if they escape
23:17
my husband and get up the stairs and they open the door and they
23:20
come in and they pull the curtain back and I'm like, how
23:22
are you up here? Like, get out.
23:24
Like they know they're not supposed to be in there because
23:27
that is our place. OK?
23:29
I would be resentful. And maybe I'm just a resentful
23:32
human being. OK, Maybe that's my problem, but
23:34
I don't think it is because I'm not resentful to my kids.
23:38
I would become resentful if I felt like nothing was ever mine
23:42
or nothing was ever ours. Like my husband and mine.
23:45
We have these moments that are ours, even if it's just to lay
23:49
in bed and talk. OK, you can't do that when your
23:53
kids are in there sleeping. You just can't trust me.
23:56
So there have been times, I'm not saying that like that.
23:58
My kids have never slept in my bed.
24:01
Never. Well, no one has ever slept well
24:03
together in our bed. But obviously there are certain
24:08
situations that you almost can't fix until like you can fix, but
24:12
not like instantaneous fix. So for instance, my son Trace,
24:17
he had really bad sleep apnea, his adenoids and tonsils.
24:23
He had to get all of that removed because they were so big
24:27
in his throat. He was like 2 years old that he
24:30
would stop breathing while he was asleep.
24:33
And so there were, you know, we'd put them to bed.
24:37
He would wake up crying in the middle of the night.
24:39
I was pregnant with Cage. So my husband would go running
24:42
in there. He's crying because he can't
24:44
breathe. Or there'd be times that we'd go
24:46
check on him and we couldn't really hear him breathing, so
24:49
we'd wake him up. Well, there were times he would
24:52
wake up crying and come into our bedroom and get in bed with us
24:55
and we'd prop up a pillow. But we did it more for our Peace
25:00
of Mind like that we can hear him breathing.
25:03
But I was so pregnant. Taylor's working.
25:08
We have two kids. I was sleeping a lot because
25:11
that third pregnancy really did me in.
25:13
And none of us were sleeping well because he's in the bed,
25:17
kicking me in the back, slapping me in the face.
25:20
And I'm like, this kid has got to get out of my bed.
25:22
But he needed to have the surgery to remove them.
25:25
And we had to schedule that. And it was weeks out.
25:27
So there was a time, a very short time period, where he
25:30
slept in our bed, not the whole night.
25:33
It was usually we'd go get him when we were ready to go to bed.
25:35
Like we would still hang out and then we would go get him or he
25:39
would come into our bedroom in the middle of the night kind of
25:42
a thing because he couldn't breathe.
25:45
OK, That's a very big difference than like we set up a cot in the
25:49
room for you because this is your bedroom.
25:50
You have a bedroom in the house, but we're choosing to have you
25:52
sleep in here, OK. And that's just my, that is my
25:56
personal view, OK. I don't think kids belong in
25:59
your bedroom then. This was months ago.
26:02
I act like it was yesterday because I'm still I still think
26:05
about it more than I should. This influencer, I don't even
26:09
follow her. I don't know how it even showed
26:10
up on my thing but I see that she is getting a custom mattress
26:17
made for all of them to sleep in the same bed.
26:22
And I was like Nope we'll never be following her because she
26:26
would just trigger me. I'm sure her and I would not
26:29
really get along. That is just my that's my view
26:32
from it within a split second decision.
26:34
Because what do you mean you are getting a custom mattress made
26:40
for all of you to sleep in the same bed?
26:43
I think that's weird. OK, I do not to be rude not to
26:47
rain on your parade. I think that is weird.
26:50
I don't understand. And if it's an anxiety thing,
26:52
you should probably go to therapy for that.
26:54
No one should be having that much anxiety that they can't
26:57
have their kids in a bedroom next door to them like that.
27:02
I will and I have. I have some mom anxieties, OK?
27:05
I am not. I'm not saying I've never had an
27:08
anxious thought about my kids, OK?
27:09
I clearly have, but to the point of building a mattress so that
27:15
we all sleep in the same bed every single night.
27:21
That is where I'm drawing the line.