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Transcript

S2 Ep7: Crowd Control with Ian Bagg 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_00: There's a retirement party going on over there, and they are not happy about my jokes right now.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: It's okay, we can do anything we want.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: This is comedy.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: You can't do anything wrong in comedy.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: That's what's great about comedy.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: As long as you have fun, right, sir?
0:14
SPEAKER_00: Why'd you say like you were scared?
0:16
SPEAKER_00: Yes, please don't pick on me.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: Don't sit in the front and they go, How did he find me?
0:21
SPEAKER_00: I look down.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: You were involved in this.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: You were in this all night, my friend.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: You are gonna be the part of it, my friend.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: You are the only black guy here tonight, and I am gonna get to know you.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: You are black, right?
0:38
SPEAKER_00: Because I called you a black guy, and it'd be awkward if you're like, hey, I'm I'm white.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: You're black and Mexican?
0:47
SPEAKER_01: Holy shit.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: So you must be going to school for free.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: Is there any other Mexicans here?
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: See how easy that was?
1:00
SPEAKER_00: How can the government not find you people?
1:05
SPEAKER_00: That is all you have to do is ask.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: I want to build a wall.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: What a waste of money that is.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: Just buy a bus and drive around.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: Any Mexicans here?
1:14
SPEAKER_00: Yum yum yum yum.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: All right, get on.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: Drive up to Canada.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: Drop them off.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: I know a lot of you are confused.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: Why would you drop them off in Canada?
1:23
SPEAKER_00: Hello, that would make people not sneak back into America right there.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: You drop them off in Canada, they show up in t-shirts and it's cold, they're fucked, I tell you, right there.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: They will not come back to America without blankets and chiclets.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: What do you do?
1:38
SPEAKER_00: What's your job, buddy?
1:39
SPEAKER_00: Hey, bruh, how about your job?
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Hey, bro.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: You're a social worker?
1:43
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
1:43
SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
1:44
SPEAKER_00: You take children away from people.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: Pretty much?
1:51
SPEAKER_00: Is that what you said?
1:54
SPEAKER_00: It's supposed to be a joke and it came real.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Are you with him, ma'am, or is he just taking your children?
2:02
SPEAKER_00: Don't cry, it's gonna be okay.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be with him.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: You're crying like you're gonna have to call your father and say, Oh, I'm with a black and a Mexican.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: You two together?
2:20
SPEAKER_00: Alright, that's fine.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: That's your friends.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: Well, thanks for putting that out there.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Such weird times.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Everybody's like that.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: We're not gay, we're just friends.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: I just want to go to the bathroom that I want to go to the bathroom in.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: Everybody's all fired up because people are going to the wrong bathrooms.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: Everybody's all, oh my god, the transgenders are shitting.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what they've been doing for the last 2,015 years, but they've started to start shitting this year.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: Everybody, what are we gonna do?
2:48
SPEAKER_00: They're pooping, they're pooping now.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: People are weird, they're confusing molester with the word transgender.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: It is completely different, all right?
2:56
SPEAKER_00: How do I explain this?
2:57
SPEAKER_00: My hockey coach did not dress up like a woman to molest me.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: He just molested me.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: That's all he did, okay?
3:06
SPEAKER_00: And some of you clapped and other people were offended.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: That's right, you got that, sir.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: That's a good joke.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: And it worked out good for me.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: I ended up making that hockey team, so it all worked out.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: I got a little bit of a handy, and then I got to play center ice.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: Some of you don't know whether to laugh or not.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: Was he molested?
3:28
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if he's molested.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: We gotta get out of here.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: You're crying still.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
3:36
SPEAKER_00: I see you're wearing my favorite outfit, ma'am.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: You're wearing the shorts and high heels.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Fantastic.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: I love that outfit.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: It says so much.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: It says, I'm going to the prom, but there could be a barbecue.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: My god, that is sexy.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: So smart.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: What if there's ribs at this event?
3:53
SPEAKER_00: Get my eating shorts.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm about to fuck up a buffet.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: What kind of girls are you looking for there, fellas?
4:02
SPEAKER_00: What kind of girls you like?
4:04
unknown: Like a good sense of humor.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: Good sense of humor?
4:07
SPEAKER_00: Alright.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: Are you trying to sleep with me?
4:13
SPEAKER_00: Because I was like, what kind of girls you like?
4:15
SPEAKER_00: I like to laugh.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: You like them tall, you like them short, you like them wide, you like them iceberg-like.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
4:24
SPEAKER_01: Curvy.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: Tall and curvy.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'll put it out there.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: Any tall and curvy girls?
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, buddy.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: Looks like it's not happening tonight.
4:38
SPEAKER_01: Short and skinny.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: Oh, just change his mind.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: Short and skinny.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: Just keep describing girls until it happens.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: One eye, one eye.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: Is anybody here with one eye?
4:50
SPEAKER_00: Tell you what, cross-eyed people are dicks.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: Because they will not tell you which eye to look in.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: They will let you struggle for 15 minutes while you try to figure out which one is the dominant one.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: And they know what you're doing because they brush their teeth in the mirror every morning, so they've seen it before.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: They know exactly what I'm talking about.
5:09
SPEAKER_00: Those are the people that should have their own show on the TLC right there.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: Cross-eyed life.
5:14
SPEAKER_00: I'd watch that show, I'd tell you, right there.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: You put them in a round room, they're gonna find their way out.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: It'll never happen, though.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Never happen.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Too many midget shows on the TLC.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: 18 midget shows on the TLC.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: They only need one.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: I get their struggle.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: They can't reach it.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: I told that joke in Syracuse a couple weeks ago, some lady snapped.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: Don't say that word.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what word?
5:44
SPEAKER_00: And she said, midget.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: I was like, how come you can say?
5:47
SPEAKER_00: And she said, I'm a midget.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: And I have horrible eyes, and I said, You look normal.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: She said, I'm on a stool, you motherfucker.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: That was the night I was punching the dick by a midget.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: Because once they come running at you, you cannot slow them down.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: They have very powerful buttocks with those little legs.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: It's an inertia thing.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: She just comes like that.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: Some of you are laughing.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: That's bullshit.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: That didn't happen.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: It didn't happen.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: She actually punched me right here.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Had I been a black man, I would have been punched in the dick by a midget.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: But I'm a white guy, she missed me by this much.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: Some of you are laughing, other, we got a big dick too.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: No, you don't, white guy.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: Everybody knows white large is a black medium.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: This crowd is interesting as hell.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: You guys are tight on some of this.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to get involved in this.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what kind of dick you'd have.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: Black Mexican, I have no idea.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Mexican balls with a black dick or Mexican dick with black balls.
7:09
SPEAKER_00: You don't know.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Do we want to see it?
7:20
SPEAKER_00: Could be a big night for you.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: People want to see your dick.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: You're about to find out what you have.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: That was weird.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: A bunch of white guys clapped.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: That was the weird part.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: Let's see it.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: I want to see it.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: I want to see it.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: How rich are you people?
7:39
SPEAKER_00: Pretty rich.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Is that what you just said?
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Pretty good.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: How do you make your monies?
7:47
SPEAKER_01: I drill holes.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: You drill holes?
7:55
SPEAKER_00: Do you have a drill?
7:59
SPEAKER_00: A large drill?
8:00
SPEAKER_00: We're talking about your cock right now.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: Because I feel very uncomfortable about the way your eye went up and you looked at me.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to talk to you about work, and you're like, I got a big penis.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to work.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: Guy with checkers, what do you do?
8:18
SPEAKER_00: You feel like you're a nice guy.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: I work at NLA.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Work at NLA?
8:27
SPEAKER_00: Have you been kidnapped?
8:30
SPEAKER_00: What do you do in Los Angeles?
8:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm an intern.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: You're an intern.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what do you want to be?
8:38
SPEAKER_00: Why did you point at a different don't point at the boss.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: You're an intern for a reason.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: You take the bullet for him.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: Where do you work where they don't give you money?
8:54
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
8:55
SPEAKER_00: A clearing firm?
8:58
SPEAKER_00: Alright, what does a clearing firm do?
9:01
SPEAKER_00: Holy shit.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: Is one of your bosses here?
9:10
SPEAKER_00: I need to talk to him.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: Teal, are you the boss?
9:15
SPEAKER_00: I am the boss.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: All right.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: Here you run a clearing firm.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: So like Lawnmarth.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: What's a clearing firm?
9:25
SPEAKER_00: Because the kid that you guys hired for no money has no clue what you do.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: Stock.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
9:33
SPEAKER_01: Stock.
9:33
SPEAKER_01: Stock.
9:34
SPEAKER_01: Stock.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Stocks.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Stock, stock, stocks.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: Your boss has to rats.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: I can see why you didn't want me to talk to that table.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: How did you become the boss?
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Stocks, stocks, stock, stock, stock.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: Shock, shock, shock, shot, shocks.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: I have no idea.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: You don't know how you became the boss?
10:03
SPEAKER_00: Well, you're doing good so far, intern.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: If you have no clue, it sounds like you might be the boss any day now.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: Are you single?
10:13
SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not.
10:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm married to her.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: To her?
10:15
SPEAKER_00: Learn her name it.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: Good-looking woman.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: You say good-looking woman, is that a good looking woman?
10:23
SPEAKER_00: You guys got kids?
10:26
SPEAKER_00: Holy sh, what is going on at that table?
10:29
SPEAKER_00: You guys have enough kids and then you still hired an intern?
10:33
SPEAKER_00: Make one of your kids work for Christ's sake.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: Do you ever get invited to Christmas, their intern?
10:39
unknown: I'm the kid.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: Which one's your favorite child?
10:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm not playing this game, David.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: Are you David?
11:12
SPEAKER_00: Of course.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: The one that works for free for dad.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: That's your favorite child, the moneymaker.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: Will you have any more kids, mom and dad?
11:26
unknown: Just the four.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: Just the four.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: Shut it down after that.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: We are not gonna have kids, me and my wife.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: Mostly because she's gorgeous and I look like Shrek.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: And I know if we have a child that then be McGirl and then get my jeans, and then I'll have to shave her eyebrow every morning before she goes to school.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: She'll just come running in.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: Daddy, is it come?
11:48
SPEAKER_00: Yes, baby.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Daddy.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: You guys are fun.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Let's get out of here.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: What do you guys want to do?
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Wanna go to Walmart and beat the shit out of whoever's in there as a group?
12:03
SPEAKER_00: We'll never see it coming.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: You lead us shorts.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm looking for pants.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: And then we'll just rush in and start punching the hell out of people.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: Black guy, you stay in the car because it's probably gonna get blamed on you no matter what.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: That is bullshit, type tell you.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: Some of you, class.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: How long have you been black?
12:23
SPEAKER_00: Did you not know you're like I I don't know how long I've been black.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: I'll quit picking on you.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: It's been a lot of fun.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you guys next.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Are you a couple?
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Are you married?
12:33
SPEAKER_00: Or are you gonna be like this couple and cry?
12:36
SPEAKER_00: How long have you been married?
12:39
SPEAKER_00: Fourteen years?
12:40
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: I've been married for two.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: If you need any advice, come to me after the show.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: Tell you what I've learned so far.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: Women are dirtier when you date them than when you're married to them.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: Say, thank you, a couple people laugh.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: They know exactly what I'm talking about.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: Other people aren't married.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: Is that true?
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's true.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: As soon as you put a ring on their finger, they got no time to send pictures of the bing-bong chicken ding-ding-ding.
13:03
SPEAKER_00: Got errands to run as soon as you put a ring on their finger.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: Got no time, got no time.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: You know what my wife sent me a picture of the other day?
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Peanut butter in the fridge.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: With a note saying, Did you put the peanut butter in the fridge?
13:18
SPEAKER_00: There's two of us that live together, Lester Holtz.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: If you cannot figure out who put the peanut butter in the fridge, let me narrow it down for you.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: Did you put the peanut butter in the fridge?
13:26
SPEAKER_00: No, because I put the peanut butter in the fridge.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: Cats who put the peanut butter in the fridge.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: Case solved.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: Bong bung.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: Some of you know what that noise was.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: That's a law and order case solved noise.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: Bum bung.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: And then my wife said this, and I almost lost my mind.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: Peanut butter is harder to spread when it is in the fridge.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: If you can't spread peanut butter, you might want to start lifting some weights because you are a fucking pussy.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: Yes, that is what I thought.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: What I said was, okay.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that much right now.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: I tried once and now I have to walk the dog every day and pick up its crap, and that dog's a dick.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm pretty sure he can count because he tries to outshit how many bags I have with me every time.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: Come on, Lou, get it together.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: Nobody shits six times in a mile.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: Old people, what did you do before you came here?
14:36
SPEAKER_00: Are you deaf?
14:37
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am, how did you meet him?
14:58
SPEAKER_00: How did you become his lover?
15:01
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, fucking yes.
15:04
SPEAKER_01: I met him on the beach.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: You met him on the beach?
15:08
SPEAKER_01: All right.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: Sixty-five years ago.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: That was different times, right?
15:15
SPEAKER_00: No, no.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: I've been doing jokes all night.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: You guys haven't applauded once.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: They live.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: You guys clap.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: You know how easy it was to meet somebody on a beach 65 years ago?
15:29
SPEAKER_00: What beach were you on?
15:31
SPEAKER_00: Rockaway beach.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: Rockaway beach! New York, yes, I know.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Somebody held up.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: New York, did you just finally make it out to the West Coast?
15:43
SPEAKER_00: You live in Florida?
15:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: You're visiting?
15:47
SPEAKER_00: I know how it works, ma'am, when you live someplace else.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Any chance you're staying with children and they sent you out tonight?
15:58
SPEAKER_00: That's family over there?
16:00
SPEAKER_00: That's your brother and sister?
16:03
SPEAKER_00: Brother and sister-in-law.
16:04
SPEAKER_00: That's probably best that they're not brother and sister.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: So what kind of car are you guys driving?
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Cadillac?
16:12
SPEAKER_01: Which one of it?
16:13
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
16:14
SPEAKER_01: Which one of us?
16:15
SPEAKER_00: Which one of you?
16:16
SPEAKER_00: You're all driving separate cars?
16:18
SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
16:21
SPEAKER_00: Should we warn the CHP right now?
16:25
SPEAKER_00: Because I've had a conversation with you.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: I can't imagine all four of you merging at the same fucking time.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Sit down, ladies.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: Doing a big show.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: God damn it, sit down.
16:40
SPEAKER_00: How old are you, sister?
16:43
SPEAKER_01: 37.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: 37?
16:44
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: How's it going?
16:45
SPEAKER_00: Everything turning out the way you thought it would.
16:48
SPEAKER_01: Perfectly.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: Perfectly?
16:49
SPEAKER_00: Married?
16:50
SPEAKER_00: You married?
16:51
SPEAKER_01: No, not so much.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: Alright, that was your friend that just tackled you.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: That was weird.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: Is everything good?
16:59
SPEAKER_00: It's great.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: It's fantastic.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: Married?
17:01
SPEAKER_00: No, she isn't.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Are you looking for a man?
17:06
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: Alright, I got four brothers.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: Guys, she's 37.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be fantastic.
17:15
SPEAKER_00: She's a little older than you, but there's gonna be snacks in the fridge afterwards.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am, have you ever been with a young guy?
17:25
SPEAKER_01: My dad's right there.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: I'll take that as a yes.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: Pretty sure the proper answer would have been no.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: Not my dad's right there, but if Dave wants to meet me near the bathroom.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: I'll give him a handy and he can join my hockey team.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: 37?
17:56
SPEAKER_00: You still want him?
17:58
SPEAKER_00: She nodded, yes.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: This is the biggest night ever, David.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: God damn it.
18:03
SPEAKER_01: I'm a teacher, so I have a little bit of a did you just say I'm a teacher?
18:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm a teacher, so I'm used to having crushes on younger men.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: What do you teach?
18:17
unknown: Kindergarten.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: Kindergarten?
18:23
SPEAKER_00: What kind of money do you make there, sister?
18:31
SPEAKER_00: All right.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Thank the next question is.
18:48
unknown: Yes.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
18:50
SPEAKER_00: Where do you make a hundred grand?
18:52
SPEAKER_00: Which school?
18:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's why I asked.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: Oh, Newport, yep, yeah, correct.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: She makes a hundred grand.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: She's poor.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: She probably lives there, lives in a shack.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: She makes a hundred grand.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: I hear the cost of living is expensive in Newport.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: Do you know how expensive fake boobs are?
19:18
SPEAKER_00: Teacher, you don't have fake boobs, do you?
19:21
SPEAKER_00: She does.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: Teaching kindergarten.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: I better get some sweet tits.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: You never know who's gonna be a single father.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: I better get myself sweet titties to take the skew.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: David, how are you feeling about this now?
19:53
SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Can't wait to touch these.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: They're gonna be.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
20:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure your dad knew you had fake tits.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: I guarantee you.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: One day you just came into the house wearing a normal shirt, and then the next time you came in with huge tits.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure your dad wasn't like, well, Cindy really did something over the weekend, didn't she?
20:18
SPEAKER_00: You should see dad's face.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like communicating about this.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: The new law of the house, you only turtlenecks.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna make all the women wear turtlenecks.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: Who's the girl that keeps thinking on you?
20:36
unknown: Her little sister.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: Oh, her little sister and her real boobies.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: She's just jealous.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: She's probably got the cross-eyed ones.
20:47
unknown: Hers were naturally beautiful.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
20:49
SPEAKER_01: Hers were naturally beautiful.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: Hers were naturally beautiful?
20:53
SPEAKER_00: You don't think that just made your dad uncomfortable?
20:59
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I've got fake boobs.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: My sister has beautiful titties.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be a weird minivan ride home on.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: Quit looking at your sister's tits.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: What's that?
21:14
SPEAKER_00: Now your mom's talking.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: Now it's gonna get really interesting.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: She got them from me.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: I love this crowd.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: We should really build a village someplace.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: We know who the town elders will be.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: You'll build things with your drilling powers.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: You'll do shit for free.
21:39
SPEAKER_00: You'll be in charge of the money.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Stock, stock, stock, stock, stock, stock, stock, stock.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: You'll be the slutty one.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Ladies beside the fake kid crew.