Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 7-The Story We Never Planned: Online Dating, Infertility, and Heartbreak - Our Story Pt. 1
Transcript
- JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. obviously JR. And I'm Dustie So last few we have been going through ⁓ a bit of our backstories individually. Timeline wise we're right around 2005, right? So We thought it would be a good idea to go into our story regarding What our journey was like before kids We spent Ten years ten years together where it was just, you know, Dustie and I. lot of that was obviously me trying to figure out what I was gonna do in life and ⁓ dealing with coming off of a pretty heavy addiction into drugs. So that's kind of where we're gonna pick up the story there. So. I'm on house arrest, getting off, no, I'm on house arrest. Reach out to you. On MySpace. On MySpace. ⁓ This is August of 05. August 2005. And we just kind of started talking, sending messages back and forth. when it all kind of started for, you know, like online dating and... was actually pretty taboo then, right? To really... It was really something that was like, don't do that. Right. Right. So don't talk to strangers on the internet. Like definitely don't date people from the internet. Like you don't, cause you don't know who you're talking to. Right, so ⁓ We just casually started sending messages. feel like, you know, I'm trying to think real hard, but I don't think we really started talking seriously for maybe about a month. Yeah. We just kind of like, I think we would talk daily at least once, but it wasn't like I was definitely in a place, you know, like I talked about in the last episode, like I was not doing this again. Like if this, I mean, that's all I really knew about love and relationships. And so I had no interest. I was not doing that again. Um, I was just doing me like having fun and right. I was the last thing on my mind. And I very much was just of the mindset of I'm going to do house arrest and then get off house arrest and keep doing them. As I mentioned before, I was very much of the mindset that I was going to at some point go back, out my time and continue down that road that I was on. ⁓ But we hit it off. We started out, I feel like we became friends pretty fast, like pretty good friends. And we talked not just online but on the phone. We did start talking on the phone quite a bit. I do remember that because I remember even neither one of us liked talking on the phone but we still talked quite a bit on the phone. texting wasn't really a thing back then like it was starting but I remember it being like I can't we can't really text because it costs money. Right you've only got so many texts per month right? Like I ran out of text or whatever. I have more minutes than I do text. That's dating us a little bit. That's dating us a little bit. That's fine. We're in our 40s. But yeah, so. I distinctly do remember though. the first time we talked on the phone. having a totally just. different vibe and feeling and I remember even talking to my mom and telling her that That you were the one yeah, there was something totally different about you and that something about you just Calmed everything within me. I didn't tell her that but you know, I did tell her I'm like, you know, I don't know why but I think I Really think this is the one for me And of course, my mom at the time was like, you're crazy. You're insane. You don't even know this person. She could be a serial killer. Yeah. ⁓ And. It was within that month or so that we actually, think, made it kind of official. Yeah. Where we were... It was pretty quick. We were going to be together. Yeah. Because we both knew, like you said, you just like knew. And it was the same for me, like, and... I mean, everybody thought I was crazy because obviously the relationships I had been in and then here I go like, ⁓ I know this guy is the one and I've never met him, but and he's on house arrest and he has, you know, history or whatever, you were easy to talk to. ⁓ you know, as we talked and talked, it was I just felt like I could tell you anything and that's not me. ⁓ mean that's how I am with you, but that's not how I am with a lot of people. And so ⁓ was I just remember being like, can't wait to tell him or talk to him because ⁓ in way it felt like I could just, ⁓ I me. I could just be me. I didn't have to try to be ⁓ what you or... pretend to be something I wasn't. Well, and I think that was the The kicker for me too, right, was that I was never, I never tried to hide that I was on house arrest. I never tried to hide that I was a druggie. I never tried to hide any of those things that, ⁓ because I, again, when first met, I really just didn't care about really anything. And you were somebody fun to talk to. and I mean, obviously I thought you were good looking and, we started talking and it. instantly transformed my frame of mind. So much so that I actually started thinking about, maybe I need to do right and not keep getting in trouble. And I, you know, I can't even remember how long I was on house arrest, but I do remember going to like driving down to the probation office and you being in places so that I could see you. Yeah, because we couldn't like technically meet up. Right. You couldn't go anywhere. And so I would go. It was downtown Caldwell. So it was I would park at the police station right there. so I could see you drive by and we would say hi as you drove to and from. I think that went on for a couple months. Yeah, I think it was a couple months. ⁓ Until you got off. Until I got off and I remember the day that I got off. Your house was the first one I went to. Yeah. We sat under the tree. we sat under the tree. Because I don't remember... I think I was still on curfew. Yeah, you were on curfew and there was certain, maybe certain places or something that you couldn't go. I can't remember. There was a lot of rules. So we just ended up at my house and we hung out under the tree in the front yard. Sat under the tree. I remember that. For hours. Yeah. And then we were just like, what do we do from here? What's our plan? What's our future? I remember. And as the rules got a little bit lighter as I was doing back, because I mean, I was doing everything I was supposed to do, going to work, taking the UAs every other day or whatever it was. As it got lighter and lighter, you got to a point where you could come over to my house and meet my mom. Yeah. And we were, kind of funny. were just looking at that, looking at our very first picture. ⁓ I should pull it up and, ⁓ it was. It's funny to think about now, but I remember my mom thinking you were insane because of the hat you were wearing and you had a nose, of all the things you had a nose piercing and that's what she, she thought you were just this crazy girl because you had a nose piercing. Yeah. And then I feel like you came over one day. And you have to keep in mind, my, my mom and my dad, they're very supportive of a lot of the things that I do. ⁓ even when they're not the greatest, they try and they tried to do their best to, but I remember my mom, my mom being very adamant while this girl is not going to stay here. She's not like, we don't even know her. You met her online and like we were watching a movie or something. Yeah. And yeah, I think you fell asleep. And I'm like, I'm going to wake her up and make her go home. And my mom was like, well, yeah, we can't just make her go home. And then it was like after that, you never left. But for context, know, you and my mom ended up being the best of friends. But it's one of those things where it's just kind of funny because I mean it was... When you think about it now, like if my girls came to me like that. Yeah. And with their boyfriend. Yeah. Like I wouldn't, I would not. I would have probably been in the same I totally understand how your mom felt. I mean, she didn't know me from. You know, and you didn't have the best record with it. says either. So her experience. I didn't have the best track record. like, I'm not having a girlfriend stay over, you know. ⁓ But then after a couple of days, was. And then I think it was like a month later, like you officially moved in. Yeah. Like we stayed at my parents' house for a while. Yeah, we did. And then. Like that is probably late 2005, early 2000s. Like it was fast. It was pretty, yeah. I mean, we met in August and then I'd say by the end of 2005, I was already living there. And then I think it was probably right around January 06, we decided to move out and get our own apartment. Because of course I'm still having to follow rules and ask for permission to do certain things. So wasn't like I could just up and move out right away. So that was the other side of it. ⁓ But then, so we get an apartment. ⁓ And it wasn't very long after we got into apartment that I think we started talking. And it's, feel, sometimes I feel bad because it wasn't ever like I proposed. feel like we just kind of started talking about, we both decided that's what we wanted. And, and like, think back and I'm like, well, like, I don't think I don't have a regret for it, but like, I don't know what your, what your thoughts are on it. Like how you felt about it. That didn't honestly bother me. Just because it was more of a... Like, I think for me, I didn't need... that okay in a proposal, you know what I mean? Like, I know it's very common and you're supposed to do that and that's kind of how the man lets you know, like, I want to marry you, I want you to be my wife. But I think we had known for a long time that that was what we both wanted and so I didn't feel like I needed that. Right, I do feel like one day we just kind of started talking about it and it was just like, yeah, that's what we're doing. Yeah. I never had that expectation. But the other side of that is I had still not met your parents. No, my parents were very hesitant. Yeah, I'm sure. Given my history ⁓ and meeting somebody online, he's... on house arrest. has, you know, a history, which is always something that I never hid from anybody because I don't, I didn't ever see it as like shameful, you know? ⁓ and not that my parents judged you. They were just cautious cause they had seen me go through. Yeah. mean, given the history and given my marriage, ex marriage and yeah. So they were just like, hold off. Like they weren't on board right away. And it wasn't just on board with you, it was on board, I think, with. me and my relationship and our relationship and I mean it's the situation yeah they were just like pump the brakes a little bit like they never told me not to do it or you know like not to be with you or whatever they were just for them you know how my parents are they're very much that way like let me ease into it or let me just kind of see how this goes or who this person is first. again, for context, like we have a great relationship. I love your parents. mean, they're, they're my parents. But yeah, I mean, I, like, again, looking at it as a dad, was one of our girls. And that was the situation. Yeah. And I never like was upset at them about it either. I was just like, I know it's like, it's totally, it was something that I think only you and I saw. It really was something that only you and I could understand. Yeah. And, and nobody else at the time, I would say now that of course they understand, not just my parents, but like anybody who has been in our life. But, ⁓ at the time it was, it was hard to understand for everybody. think, the dynamic of it. The pace of it was pretty fast. I mean, was pretty fast. Yeah. mean, and of course we're talking wedding. My mom's getting super excited. She's. very much of the mindset that she wants to see her first born, you know, have a big wedding and. And I'm not that guy, really. I don't like attention on me. don't like all the flash and. Yeah, I'm not really that way either. And I had already had that. And I was, it just was not of important. The most important thing to me was like, we want to be married. Right. Not, we need to have a big wedding. We need to do this. We need to do that. It was just, that was what was important. So with that as a little bit of context, the day we actually got married. ⁓ I like to tell the story that we were arguing about the wedding. Yeah, I'm sure we were. It got pretty stressful. Yeah, got pretty, I mean, we were both super stressed out and I think it ended up being a... Well, I don't even want a stupid wedding. Well, I don't either. Right. We just both were like, then why are we doing it? You know, and I think you made the comment of like, I'll just go right now and go down to the courthouse. Like it doesn't, I don't need it. Right. And I'm like, fine, let's go. And it was almost like chicken. Like, I bet you won't. And we both went down to the courthouse and got married in front of a judge and two random strangers that were in the courthouse. And we didn't tell a soul. And we did not tell a soul until we left the courthouse. And I still have not met your parents. At this point. At this point. You had not met them yet. You did not meet them until you were already my husband. Right. And, ⁓ We called my parents and my mom. was devastated and extremely angry. Yeah, she was really upset. My dad was just kind of like, I mean, I guess if that's what you're going to do, that's what you're going to do, you know. ⁓ But my mom, think. was hurt more than anything. ⁓ She was pretty angry. She didn't talk to us for like a month. few months. Yeah, couple months. And looking back now, like I, there is some regret there because not that we didn't have a wedding. I think had we thought about it a little bit longer and thought it through a little bit more. we could have at least had our parents if they wanted to come at the courthouse and and I think your mom would have been even okay with that you know like I think her thing was that she wanted to see you get married right whether it was a wedding or I mean she would love a wedding right you know she loves she loves big parties and planning and you know every little detail about it so I think But I think more importantly, she would have just wanted to be at the courthouse or wherever we were doing it, she wanted to be there. So that's, I think that's the part that I regret. And I, you know, I never gave my parents the option either. Or, you know, my sister or the people that are, you know, closest to us. I think that's the only regret I have in going down to the courthouse and getting married. I don't regret doing it that way. Like, going to the courthouse and doing it and not having a wedding, I do regret not inviting our parents. Yeah, I think for me it's... If I could go back, I would have involved them in that. Yeah. And that specific instance of like, we're going down, you guys are free to come. not, at least to have given them the option. Right. Because I don't, I mean, I don't regret the way we did it. I don't either. think it worked for us. And I mean, and that's what was important is that we were married. We're still here 20 years later. So, ⁓ But yeah, and then. You know, the first. Well, was more than a few years, I mean, at the time I was just trying to get off probation more than anything. So I was just minding my P's and Q's. I was just focused on working. ⁓ Didn't really have any direction. ⁓ I think we were just both working and I think I had started working at the credit union at that point. And we were just kind of working, trying to make it like. Yeah, I mean, I didn't have that. I didn't have the highest paying job, so it was really just. Like struggling to and trying to figure out. I mean, you're basically you're you're learning about each other in those in those moments. And you know, I remember, I remember like my dad paying for our honeymoon and us having some of those moments on the coast. And I mean, after everybody kind of calmed down, everybody was super supportive. And I think even when I met your parents for the first time, they were, I mean, they were super nice. I was actually quite, now that I know your parents, I'm not as shocked, but I was, I remember in the moment being extremely surprised that they were not more judgmental. Just because that has been my experience, you know, with a lot of people. ⁓ You know, obviously I had already met your sister, but that changed the dynamic. mean, she moved in with us for a little while. We moved in with her for a little while. I we were together. ⁓ When we first got married, we were together all the time. And I mean, it was really just. about Like really getting to, you know, your honeymoon basically, your honeymoon phase. You're really just trying to enjoy each other and figure each other out. ⁓ And again, I'm doing my best to mind my P's and Q's, but then... And we went on like that for a really long time. Yeah. I mean, we were pretty low key, just normal every day. But I did end up getting off of probation and I don't remember what year that was. It was 2009. So three years into our marriage. You got off early. at that point. I went a little wild because I had been under such... They were like freedom. Yeah. So I started drinking a lot. ⁓ A lot. I drank almost, I think probably every day. day, yeah. For a year or two. ⁓ Still held down a job, but was really frustrated with my job at the time. ⁓ But I even with that, it took a long time for me to finally just decide what we wanted, I think. Yeah. And I don't, I mean, I feel like we didn't really, not like we do now where we have, you know, all these conversations about what we want and how we get there. And we didn't really communicate that way back then. I think the really, the only kind of focus we had had was we know we wanted kids. Yeah. You know, right off the bat, we were just like, This is, we know we want kids. I mean, this is, that's probably a really good segue into. We did know if we wanted kids from the day since the day we met basically. We both knew we wanted a big family. We wanted to have kids. I mean, I think that's probably a lot of what drew us together is that we both had that need for family. ⁓ but through circumstances outside of both of our control. We were not able to have kids. We tried, we had medical intervention, we, you know, we went through the gambit. ⁓ We just, for whatever reason, which we know the reason now. Yeah, we know the reason now. But at the time we did not know the reason. We just were not able to conceive. And there was a lot of... I think we both... hit it from each other real well, but I think there was a lot of heartache during that time. That it was just not happening and not happening no matter what we tried or did. Yeah, and again, we didn't have the communication that we have now, but I feel like looking back, there was probably a lot of, we both took it as it was our fault. Yeah. You know, like you had your reasons why you thought it was your fault. I had my reasons. Like, I know my medical history. I know I have PCOS. I know it was going to be difficult no matter what. ⁓ so I feel like we both just kind of internalized and blamed ourselves a lot. And I mean, based on our backstories, we, I mean, people should understand we deal with that in very different manners. You shelve it. I try to numb it out. So I mean, I'm not saying that that's the only thing that contributed to my drinking, but it was a lot, right? It was. It was a way to not feel it. Yeah. mean, I was not happy with that situation. I was really not happy with my work situation. Right. And it was. It was a lot of hard times. Yeah. But we, I think you more so than me tried to make the best of it. Yeah. Because I was. very in a very negative mindset even then. Yeah and I think in that mindset it's easier for you to just focus in on it and and not be able to think outside of that or ⁓ so I really just tried to focus on the positive you know what we what we do have instead of what we don't have or where we're going. Right. And then in about 2011. I decided I was done. I could not keep going the way I was going. Something needed to change. And I think that may have been one of the first times we had a real conversation about goals. ⁓ It was also around that time that we started to accept the fact that we weren't going to be parents. Yeah. Yeah, I think for me, I was just. It had been a long road. And so, I mean, I was just tired of the emotions of it all, you know, the up to down, the hope, the... I mean, it's a lot for anybody that's ever dealt or does deal with, you know, infertility. It takes a toll on you as a person and takes a toll on your marriage. It takes a toll on every aspect of your life. So at that point, we were just like... It needs to not be our focus anymore. Right. ⁓ So we came to the decision of. You know, what do I want to do? How can we get there to do some of the other things that now we're shifting our focus on and wanting to do at the time? You know, we thought. Maybe moving to the. To I wanted to move to a big city. You didn't want to be away from your parents, but I mean, there was a lot of those talks of, well, you know, maybe we move downtown Boise and. and do the downtown thing and the city. Right. And then maybe at some point, ⁓ you know, I at that time identified, you know, the one thing that I've always gravitated to that I really enjoy and that is something that ⁓ I just always wanted to do was I wanted to be a welder. ⁓ So at the time I was also thinking, well, I can go to school, be a welder, and then I can travel. Pipe welding. Pipe welding. ⁓ We know that it brings in good money. I can be home. We don't have kids, so it's not really like, it's that difficult. You can come out and see me whenever. And like, we had a plan. And the plan was, okay, I'm going to quit what I'm doing. Right? And you're gonna hold us down for the time I'm in school. And again, it was one of those moments, I think, in a marriage that come along where you hit a crossroads of what are we doing, where are we headed, and we were able to talk through that. think in some instances people come to those those points in marriage and that's when it gets hard and people go their separate ways. But we've always had the, again, we're blessed in the sense that we've always generally had relatively same focus, mindset and goals surrounding what we want in life. I think we've always just been open to each other's perspective. Even when we didn't have the communication that we do now, I was still always open to, okay, that's what you wanna do, then how do we make it work? know? Right. So I did. end of 2011, ⁓ I quit my job that I had been at for seven years to go back to school. And... I think I was only out of work for about a year. Yeah, it wasn't super long. Before I just couldn't handle not working. Yeah. And I got a great job. Luckily, I had already been through enough welding that I got a great job at a shop out in Greenleaf with two wonderful people that I absolutely adore. ⁓ And worked part-time while I was in school. ⁓ Again, with the thinking, we're both on the same page of... I'll finish school, you know, if it works out here at the welding shop I'm at, great. ⁓ But like we're moving forward and onward. Yeah, we had a plan. So I ended up graduating in 2012. But 2012 was a rough year for us. I Early in 2012, we went through probably one of the hardest things that we've ever been through in our marriage. At that point? Nothing directed at each other, but, you know, a very dear cousin of mine who was very close to both of us. was one that was really really included you as a part of us and our bigger family. And, ⁓ you know, he decided to take his own life. devastated me devastated you and all the emotions that come with that and all of the unknown that comes with that and ⁓ It was a hard time. There was a lot of dark for me during that time where I had a lot of... a lot of those previous feelings and emotions that I had ⁓ stir up. Luckily, I did not turn back to hard drugs, but I did start drinking again. ⁓ Because I had kind of laid off, mellowed out a little bit. I really, well, I mean, when he died, I really just started, because I didn't want to feel it. And it was, I mean, it was super traumatic. Like we had to clean up the site. I mean, was, it's things that I still have nightmares over today. ⁓ It was very traumatic. And. Situations like that tend to give you perspective on life. And it was. A time when a lot of other turmoil, I guess, is the best way to put it, was happening on my side of the family. And for context, we were, I was trying to actively pursue relationships with my side of the family. We grew up close. We were trying to be actively involved in that. You know, sometimes those things have positive outcomes and sometimes they don't. And there was a lot of turmoil happening already. And then this happened and it did feel like everybody got really close for a period of time. ⁓ Which I think is pretty normal when you have a traumatic event happen in your family. ⁓ But I do remember being in a really dark, dark place. And not really, I mean, I don't really think everything I talked to you about how I felt during that time. I just kind of internalized it and numbed it out and. Yeah. And I mean, I just shelved it because that's what I do. I shelve it. And I think my focus was just making sure that you're OK day to day. So it was on in that year. Another circumstance happens in our family that reignited the focus for us for having a family. I'm not going to get into that because that is a lot of... a lot of information that involves a lot of other people that it would not be fair to them to have those conversations without their perspective. But we did get to a point where... There was a child in our life that we really... treated as our child. ⁓ And I have also graduated by this point. Yeah, you graduated in May of 2012. Shortly after. And. I think by this time, by this point, there's two kids in our world that we really just gravitated to. We really. still very much had that focus that we wanted to be parents in whatever capacity we could be parents. So we shelved the idea of me welding, traveling, us moving, and really dove into. focusing, helping. ⁓ with these two babies that come into our life. but we were very much of the mindset that. like we wanted to be parents. Yeah, even more so I think that we had them in our life. Right. So. It was around that time, maybe a year later. we started looking into the idea of ⁓ being foster parents because we both knew that we had. this desire to have kids in our lives. at this point, it's at whatever capacity we can. ⁓ Because you really wanted to be a mom. wanted to be a dad and ⁓ so we slowly started doing some of the pre stuff that you do to become a foster parent. Yeah, there's a lot you have to do. Yeah, but I mean, nothing super, it was nothing super serious at the time. was just kind of like, Just kind of an idea and like we want this eventually. So we'll start doing little things now to prepare. And at that time you're doing a lot of work with Hispanic foster care, the program that you and my mom were a part of with Hispanic foster kids and kind of we were looking to involve ourselves in some of those. In that world. Right. But again, it was one of those moments that shifted our focus from. back to wanted kids because we had not focused on it for quite a while. ⁓ But we both at this point know that we're likely not going to conceive our own children. So like what other avenues are there for us to? I think at that point it was just like, we're going to pursue this. And if it does happen naturally, great. If nothing else, we can help kids that are in the system. for those of you that don't know much about the foster system, there is a need for foster parents. huge need. for people to protect these children when they have nowhere else to go. ⁓ A lot of times. there's just not enough foster parents and kids end up in like homes with a bunch of other kids that I'm not saying is an ideal. Yeah, it's not, I'm not saying it's inherently bad, but it's not ideal for the, for the kid, especially given, you know, when a kid enters foster care, it's, it's never under good circumstances usually. So there is a big need there. There's a huge need. And I think for us, Because the number one thing in foster care, the goal is always going to be reunification with their biological family, parents, siblings. So for us, we knew that. And we never went into it thinking, this is how we're going to become parents. there's such a need. And we just wanted to be. those people that gave those kids the opportunity to be successful. Yeah. And give them what they needed in that moment. You know, it's very traumatic for a child to go into foster care and be removed from their family and go into the unknown. And they still deserve not just care, but they deserve love. They deserve, you know, to be treated kindly, to be, you know, we're just that fill in. give everything that they need in those moments until they can be back in their parents or kinship families. ⁓ So we ⁓ were excited about it. We were. And again, we start slowly working to that. I'm still, you know, working where I'm working and Like we had a goal and our goal was very much to just share what we had with these kids. Like we saw the need and ⁓ we were very invested just based on everything else that was going on. And I feel like in the moment we were doing, we were doing really good. We had a very hyper-focused sense of what we were wanting to do and. And while we didn't have the plan on how we get there, we were working towards it. Yeah, mean, there's just logistics that we had to work out. We weren't living in the best area of town, in the best house. It was not safe, ⁓ but it was what we could afford at the time. ⁓ And so that was something we had to work towards. We had to, you know, find a place and move. ⁓ But we knew that that's what we wanted to do. That's what we wanted to work toward. in the midst of this, ⁓ you know, comes and ⁓ something big happened. So ⁓ with that, we'll let you guys go for this episode ⁓ and, ⁓ you know, continue on with the with the story ⁓ ⁓ you know, the events that transpired after that. We do wish you guys the best and the blessed week and keep shining your light on people.