Latest / All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr / The "Good Christian Girl Syndrome" with Julie Lyles Carr

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The "Good Christian Girl Syndrome" with Julie Lyles Carr · All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Purposely your life, God's Purpose. Listen at purposely dot com.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: I absolutely hid the chewing gum in the side of
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: my cheek. At my junior high went to public school.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: There was a system for behavior and it was called demerits.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: If you got a demerit for breaking a rule, well,
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: you know, there was a little bit of grace in there.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: You could get a certain number of demerits before you
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: actually got into.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Big, big trouble.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: But if you were let's say running outside the classroom,
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: or let's say that you yelled, or let's say you
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: were chewing gum, you would get a demerit.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: Now, in the junior high I.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Went to, we had seventh and eighth grade there, so
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: year seven, year eight, and so it was just two
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: years and I was in the last little bit of
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: eighth grade. I was at to finish up my career
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: in junior high. And I had never gotten a demerit.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: As far as I know, I may have been one
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: of the only people in the school who had never
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: gotten a demerit. And so when my teacher said, what's
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: in your mouth? Well, you see, I wanted to be
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: known as a good girl. I'm Julie Lyles Carr and
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: this is the Almandas Podcast, and today we're going to
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: talk about something that's really on my heart because I
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: think it is something a lot of us struggle with.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: I'm calling it the good Christian girl syndrome. It's where
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: our performance masquerades as faith. And this is one of
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: those moments for sure that that was happening, because you
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: know what I did here. I was a girl who
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: really believed in God, a girl who didn't want to
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: get in trouble, who didn't necessarily want to break the
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: rules just for breaking the rules or just for the
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: fun of it. But I absolutely lied when that teacher
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: asked that day, what do you have in your mouth?
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: I hid that gun.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: As fast as I could between my back moler and
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: my cheek and I said nothing, nothing, And she couldn't
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: prove I had anything in my mouth, and so I
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: didn't get a demerit. And here's the wild part about that.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: I was really proud of myself. I felt like I
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: had really done something because I had never gotten a demerit,
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: and I missed the bigger rock in the whole thing,
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: which was I had lied about it in order to
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: maintain my performance.
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: Is this feeling a little familiar to you.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: I think for a lot of us raised in faith,
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: there is a certain standard we were raised in. There
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: are certain rules we wanted to be able to keep. Now, listen,
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: I have friends in my life who think of me
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: as somebody who has fire to were in a little spice,
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: and I'll be the person to wade in when somebody
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: needs to do something.
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: And some of that is true.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: But I think, in my heart of hearts, I really
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: just want people to be happy. I don't want to
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: necessarily have to make waves. I don't want anybody to
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: be upset, and I for sure don't want to do
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: anything wrong. I just don't want to mess things up.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: In the time in which I was raised in and
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: the church at which I was raised in, performance was a.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: Really big deal.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: I mean, being known as a good Christian girl was
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: something that you really wanted attached to your name, and
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  Speaker 2: that had a whole lot more to do with how
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: you were acting outwardly than maybe it necessarily had to
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: do with what was happening inwardly. So let's just define
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: for a second what am I talking about when I
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: say good Christian girl syndrome. You know, this is just
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: kind of Okay, it's something I sort of kind of
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: made up, but let's just pretend like it's a real thing.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: I mean, we know it's kind of a real thing.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: It's just not terribly clinical, right, But what is it
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: that we're talking about. Well, for me, it was this
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  Speaker 2: belief that I really onboarded when I was really young,
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: that my worth my before God, my worth within my family,
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: my worth at school, my worth within my community had
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: everything to do with my compliance that I was following
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  Speaker 2: what had been set out as the standard of.
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  Speaker 3: How I was supposed to behave.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: And those are the kinds of things that I think
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: stay with you for a really long time now. In
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  Speaker 2: my case, there were a lot of times that I
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  Speaker 2: would say yes to doing something instead of no, because
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  Speaker 2: I was so afraid someone would think that I wasn't
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  Speaker 2: being generous with my time, or that I wasn't being
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  Speaker 2: generous with whatever they needed, or what their agenda was.
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  Speaker 2: That being a good Christian girl meant that I would
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  Speaker 2: show up and volunteer and always do the things that
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: were being requested of me, particularly when it came from
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: people who were leaders in a congregation something like that.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: So even when I meant no, or I really didn't
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: have time, I would say yes because of good Christian
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  Speaker 2: Girl syndrome. There was also an element that I saw
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: at times where and sometimes myself practiced, where something would
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: be going on and someone would say, well, how are
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: you doing or what's up or whatever, and it would
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: be I'm fine, I'm blessed, I'm grateful, and underneath there
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: could be a whole lot that was happening, that was
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: really hard or wasn't going well, or that there was
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: a struggle, and yet that sense that you know, we
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: need to maintain, make sure everybody's comfortable, make sure everybody
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: thinks that I'm comfortable, make sure everything.
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: Is okay, and we would just put a veneer on it.
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: And then maybe you've experienced this too.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: That part of that good Christian Girl syndrome is you
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  Speaker 2: shrink back in your opinions, You make your needs really
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: small because you don't want to inconvenience anyone. You don't
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: say your ambitions out loud because you would never want
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: someone to think that you were being braggy or proud,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: or selfish or self absorbed. Now are there dangers to
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: all of those things? Of course, I mean we can
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: become very selfish, We can be very ungenerous. There are
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: things that God asks us to do when we would
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: prefer to say no, but he knows it's for our
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: good to say yes. But what I'm talking about here
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: is when you and I, well, we're just trying to
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: act out this thing instead of it being deep inside,
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: instead of going, oh, okay.
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: What does God want me to do here?
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  Speaker 2: What is it that He's called me to do or say,
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: or volunteer for or give of? And instead we are
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: watching who might be watching us, and we're trying to
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: keep things within the avatar, within the profile that we
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: think is expected. Now, there's some interesting research around this
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: that as I thought about my own faith journey and
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: in all the places where I've tried to release as
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: best I can and get over with God's help, this
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: sense of trying to perform to be worthy enough when
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: it comes to how people see me in my faith,
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  Speaker 2: I thought this was really fascinating. When we perform, it's
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: not just exhausting, it actually works against us spiritually. Researchers
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: have said that, for example, with young Christian adults, when
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: they experience faith primarily is a set of external standards
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: that they're trying to live up to. So whatever that
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: list is, for whatever spiritual community you're in, whatever your
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: church is, like that, when that happens, it actually reduces
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: how happy they are with their lives, how they see
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: their lives, how they see their life with God. It
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: actually reduces it. And that's in correlation and in contrast
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: to a genuine relationship with God. If someone says that
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: they're trying to conform to a lot of external rules
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: and expectations in a faith community, it means they're generally unhappier,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: they feel less confident, and yet when they are responding
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: to God out of an inner relationship, they find far
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: more vibrancy and happiness in their relationship with God and
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: in their overall life. There's another thing too that I've
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: seen that I think is really powerful, is that research
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  Speaker 2: shows that real relationship with God actually protects against the
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  Speaker 2: kind of perfectionism that sometimes good Christian girl syndrome. Can
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: you know, light on fire right, Like, we're trying to
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  Speaker 2: be perfect, But when we do that, we are moving
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  Speaker 2: away truly from a deeper understanding of God's grace.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: When we do that, when we think we have to
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  Speaker 3: operate in perfection.
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  Speaker 2: It can also make us far more anxious because we're
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  Speaker 2: unsure if we're.
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  Speaker 3: Getting it right.
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  Speaker 2: And here's one of the things that I think, for me,
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  Speaker 2: maybe for you, is really important to note when I
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  Speaker 2: get more concerned about how others in my world might
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: perceive my actions or decisions or behavior, that can also
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: really jam up my understanding of doing what God wants
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: me to do. So, for example, I think about Noah.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, obviously God told him to go build an arc.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: It didn't make sense to his community, it didn't make
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: sense to the people around him. And if he had
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: been trying to manage his brand right with all the
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: people in his community, well the arc wouldn't have been built,
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: and his family would not have had this vehicle that
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: became how they were saved from the destruction around them.
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  Speaker 2: And yet Noah, in that way, had to release being
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: concerned or living up to a perfection type goal within
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  Speaker 2: his community in order to be able to do what
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  Speaker 2: God had asked.
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  Speaker 3: Him to do.
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  Speaker 2: So when you think about it perfectionism, and when we
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: operate by perfectionism, when we operate out of performance, it
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  Speaker 2: makes sense that we are missing the mark when it
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  Speaker 2: comes to the grace and mercy of God in our lives,
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  Speaker 2: that it can interfere with how close we feel we
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  Speaker 2: can be to God. I think that's a really important
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  Speaker 2: thing for me to keep in mind, and maybe that's
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: helpful to you as well. The other thing I found, too,
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: is that when I have operated in the past out
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: of a sense of perfectionism or performance what I've been
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: trying to be the good girl. One thing that has
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: definitely happened for me is that the most controlling voice
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  Speaker 2: in the room became what was driving me instead of
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  Speaker 2: the most godly wise voice.
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  Speaker 3: In the room.
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  Speaker 2: You know what I mean, like somebody criticizing you for
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: doing this, going there saying that whatever. Maybe they had
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: a point, maybe they didn't. But when they are the
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: loudest voice, when they're the ones trying to control everyone's
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: behavior in this group, or when they have really loud
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: opinions about what this means or that means, or what
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: they think is allowed or what they don't think is allowed,
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: when you are trying to live up to whatever their
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: thing is, well.
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  Speaker 3: It's really loud. It makes a big impact.
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  Speaker 2: And yet for me, some of the most godly wise
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  Speaker 2: people in my life have had no interest in trying
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  Speaker 2: to control everybody. They just want to demonstrate and model
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  Speaker 2: well and live well.
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  Speaker 3: The love of God.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: However, anybody else is acting or doing or whatever in
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  Speaker 2: the room. So there's something too about dropping this sense
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: of perfectionism of performance that I think allows us to
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: be able to hear better the people we really should
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: be hearing from. Who are the ones who know how
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: to live in the reality of a relationship with God,
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: not in the on stage performance kind of part of
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: the act, right, There's something really beautiful in that when
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: other controlling voices get quieter, and those that really have
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: the most depth the most important things to say are
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: the ones that you are able to hear. It's why
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: I hang on to this verse really tightly, from Galatians
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: one to ten. Am I now trying to win the
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  Speaker 2: approval of human beings or of God? Or am I
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: trying to please people? If I were still trying to
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Paul,
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: I think, experienced this so much because he had to
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: leave a lot of the religious voices of what he
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: had been raised in behind him in order to follow Jesus.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: He had to do things that sometimes people didn't understand
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: he had to take paths that sometimes people had not
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: taken themselves and couldn't figure out what he was doing.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: But he knew that this was so critical that the
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: first place he needed to go to really understand where
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: he was supposed to be and how he was supposed
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: to act, and what all these things meant was to
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  Speaker 2: go first before God and to make sure that God
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: was pleased, even if other people didn't get it.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: Now, how did we get here?
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  Speaker 2: How did we get to a place that for some
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: of us, we've really struggled with this. You know, I've
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: got to be a good Christian girl syndrome, which means
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: I apparently seem to have no boundaries, and I'm worried
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: about what everybody thinks, and my anxiety is really high,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm really fearful, and it makes it hard to
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: hear God's voice and controlling people around me seem to
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: have way too much influence over me because I'm just
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: trying to be a good Christian girl. Right, how did
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: we get here? Well? I think for a lot of us,
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: if you think back, it may have started in your girlhood.
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  Speaker 2: You know, we are socialized as girls oftentimes to be
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: agreeable and to be easy going, to sometimes be quiet,
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  Speaker 2: or to oftentimes be the person who is willing to
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: be accommodating. And this is still especially true sometimes in
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: the messaging that we get in our faith communities. I
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: don't think anybody is intentionally trying to hush girls up right,
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: But at the same time, there are still some vestiges
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: of messaging along those ways that certainly can make their
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: way into our hearts. And depending on when you were raised,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: or what kind of church you were raised in, or
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: what that environment was like, you may have gotten that
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: messaging early. Even if you didn't come into relationship with
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: God until later in your life, you still may have
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: experienced this in the school environment or with extended family
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: who had certain ideas about what it meant to be
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: a good girl in certain settings versus what it meant
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: to be difficult or pushy or loud or oh dare
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: I say it bossy some of the things that we
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: sometimes hear about girls, little girls when they don't comply
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: to how we think they should act and behave so
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: a lot of this can start early in girlhood. Now,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I think we also have places in spaces where maybe
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: when we go into careers. We may be in spaces
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: where hey, you know, as long as you handle it
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: this way, say it this way, do it this way,
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: you're going to be good. But if you're ever seen
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: as being too aggressive, coming ou, too strong, whatever in
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: this work environment, then there's going to be a problem there.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: You're not going to be seen as a good girl
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: in the work environment, and so sometimes that can tend
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: to dampen us a lot as well.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: You think that you are in the final round of
• 15:17
  Speaker 4: getting all this parenting done, You've got kids who are
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: in high school.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: You're starting to think about college, and you're thinking, this
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: is it.
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: I'm Julie Lyles Carr. I'm a podcaster and I'm a
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: mom of eight, and here's what I want you to
• 15:30
  Speaker 4: know about George Fox University. It's a different way of
• 15:34
  Speaker 4: doing college. Why Because, yes, it's all about getting a
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: fantastic degree to set your kid up for their future.
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: They have sixty undergrad programs available at George Fox University.
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: But that's not where the story ends. It's also about
• 15:49
  Speaker 4: equipping them spiritually. If you get out of college with
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: a degree, but you don't have a closer relationship with God,
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: that obviously is going to deeply impact what your young
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: adult likes life looks like.
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: So for your kidders, I want you to consider what would.
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: It mean for your child to be able to go
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: to George Fox University where ninety three percent.
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: Of George Fox students say they now have a closer
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: relationship with Jesus.
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: George Fox University is located in the Pacific northwestern Oregon.
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: They have twenty three Division three athletic programs, and one
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: hundred percent of students at George Box University receive financial aid.
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: George Fox University is dedicated to their promise. They want
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: every student to be known for who God created them
• 16:36
  Speaker 4: to be. So listen, parents, Yeah, you are getting into
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: some of those final laps, but you definitely want to
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: make these last laps count in a big way when
• 16:46
  Speaker 4: it comes to the legacy.
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: Of your parenting.
• 16:48
  Speaker 4: So be sure and check out for your student George
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  Speaker 4: Fox dot edu.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: That's George Fox dot Edu. For many of us, I
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: think who.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: Struggle or who have had struggles in the past with
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: this tension of truly wanting to walk and follow after God,
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: but find ourselves sliding into this good Christian girl avatar
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: who just gets kind of frozen. There's something that we
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: often talk about when it comes to our nervous systems,
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: and that is what we call the fawn response. So
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: a lot of times you know about you know, fight
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: or flight, right or even freeze. So something happens, there's
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: a situation that comes up, a conflict, or somebody says
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: something kind of strong to you or snaps back at you,
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: and generally you either are going to fight back with them,
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: or you're going to just leave the room, or you're
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: going to freeze. You're not quite sure what to do.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: But fawning is actually really interesting because it's another strategy
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: sometimes that our nervous system will use to try to
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: reduce the danger that we feel, reduce the temperature in
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: the room. Fawning is where we go into this over
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: pleasing mode or we just really really back off, but
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: we oh, I'm sorry, I was asking for too much
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't have done, or maybe we get into some
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: kind of kind of hyper apologizing something like that is
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: where we are trying to keep the peace as much
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: as we can by reducing anything that feels a little
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: heated or feels like it could lead to conflict or
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: feels like a hurdle that we would have to get through.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Now here's what's really interesting about sixty eight percent of
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: women who have histories of really dealing with people pleasing
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: often come through situations where these kind of expectations were
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: on them, this good girl kind of expectation, this controlling
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: kind of thing. And that's really complicated because sometimes we
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: get some of the behaviors that we do need to
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: have as people who bear the image of Christ, that
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: level of patience, that level of being kind, that level
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: of being long suffering. Sometimes that can be infused with fawning.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: But think about the.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: People in your life who are truly who they are.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: They know when they need to speak up, they know
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: what they're going to stand strong on. They also know
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: when to just kind of it's fine, whatever, no, biggie whatever.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: You know, those people aren't fawning. They may be very patient,
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: very kind, very long suffering, but it's not from a
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: position of feeling like they've got to oh no, oh no.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: It's not from that place of trying to respond to
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: a threat. They're clear on who they are in God,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: and the Holy Spirit gives them measures of patience and
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: kindness and long suffering and gentleness, that are very very helpful,
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: that are real, that are not performance, that are part
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: of their character, and those elements come out in the
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: right settings. But you may have also seen those people
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: who have really matured in God, who really know what
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: it is to walk with Him, who can also be
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: very firm and very steady and very clear in what
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: they need, what they want, what they expect appropriately.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: That's not fawning.
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: So I want to challenge you, just like I need
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: to challenge myself. I think for a long time I
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: had some of these things confused. I thought, well, I'm
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to be kind and peacemaking and avoid this,
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: that and the other. But I was doing it from
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: a perspective of trying to stay out of trouble.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: I was hiding the gum, so.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: To speak, and at the same time was not really
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: walking in the character in the fruit of the spirit.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: In that way, it was a performance. I might be
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: upset inside, I might be angry inside, I might be
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: scared inside, but what I was doing was just trying
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: to Oh, it's okay, it's fine, it's fine. I was fawning,
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: and I was sometimes confusing that with fruits of the spirit.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: It's so important to really know the difference. Now, what
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: does it do to you over time when you have
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: been living in this place where you are trying to
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: be a good Christian girl, But it's a performance, it's
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: out of fear, it's out of fawning over difficult people.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: What happens over time, Well, this is where the real
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: cost comes in. And this is where I certainly want
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: to be someone as I continue to grow in my faith,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: as God continues to show me things about myself and
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: in helping other women and hopefully help them see things
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: in themselves and come up in ways that are healthier
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: for them.
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: This is one of those things that I think is
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: so important.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: I'm in a season of life right now where I'm
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: getting my youngest kids launched into adulthood, and there is
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: that reflective time that you look back through the years
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: and you think, oh, that's really interesting, and oh, I'm
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: glad I handled that that way, and ooh that's something I. Oh,
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: I would do that way differently now if I had
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: the chance to do that over.
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: And here's what I notice.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Those places where you feel like you've had to put
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: on a performance for a long time. Loves that soil,
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: and do you know what grows out of resentment bitterness?
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: I have some places in my own world. I have
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: people who are in the same season of life that
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: I'm in now who are really having to do some
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: deep dives into this accumulated resentment and bitterness that they feel.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: They're angry about the places where they didn't speak up,
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: or they made themselves small, or they had someone shame
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: them and say you shouldn't be doing this, that or
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: the other, when it was something that was truly neutral,
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: just had to do with a whole lot more about
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: that other person's preference or that other person's misunderstanding of
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: what it means to walk with Jesus in certain places
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: and in certain ways. Resentment is one of the great
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: great dangers when you are just chronically living in this
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: good Christian girl syndrome kind of posture. I want to
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: ask you to prayerfully look at places where resentment is
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: getting the better of you. Now, Well, here is something
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: really critical to remember, though what I've sometimes seen people
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: do and I myself have certainly been tempted to do,
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: when it comes to finding these places of resentment where
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: bitterness has really started to try to.
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: Take root is.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Sometimes we think the antidote is then to respond in
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: tremendous rage, as if that's somehow going to clear out
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: the resentment and the bitterness. We just go off on
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: the next person that says the whatever thing that triggers us,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: or the organization that did this, or that person over
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: there or that employer or that business or whatever, and
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: we just go off in rage. Is if that's going
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: to be the thing that actually pulls this thing from
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: the ground, it's not. How do we overcome resentment and bitterness?
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: One of the really critical things to look at is
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: how did I get there? What can I change so
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: that I don't continue to fertilize this ground. Let's face it,
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: there are things that happen in years previous that we're
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: not going to be able to go back and just
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: tidy all up the way we want to. There are
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: things we're going to have to learn how to forgive.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: There are going to be things that we have to
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: choose to stop watering. Rage tends to continue to water
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: and fertilize resentment and bitterness, and they just run on loop. Healing, forgiveness,
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: choosing to do it a different way the next time.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: Those are the ways that we can help root out
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: some resentment and bitterness. Now here's another one that I see,
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: this loss of identity over time.
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: You know, when you're part of an.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Organization that maybe has we're going to all do it
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: this way. We're all going to use these catch phrases,
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: and that can be anywhere. That's not necessarily I'm not
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: at all bagging on our church communities. I love my
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: church community. I think it's an important and critical part
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: of my life. I'm so glad and thankful that my
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: parents raised me in the faith. What I'm talking about, though,
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: is when we get to this place, generally, any gathering
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: of humans will do this. We pick up certain phrases
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: and we laugh about wearing the jersey. You know, there
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: are places we wear the jersey and this is what
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: this is how we all do it, and this is
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: how we what the expectations are and what we want things.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: To be like.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: And those things can be really beautiful because it makes
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: you feel like you belong somewhere, and that's a great thing.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: But what can also happen too, is if all of
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: your performance and the way that you're masking and the
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: things that you are pushing down not resolving or working through,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: but the things you're ignoring about how God truly wove
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: you to be, how God truly created to you to be.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: When we continue to push those down, or we try
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: to rethread those in different ways, we can hit a
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: point where we don't even know who we are anymore.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: We've been so influenced by all these expectations and the
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: list of you shoulds that we get lost somewhere in there.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: And God doesn't necessarily intend. There are things he's working
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: out in us, there are things that he wants to
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: redeem in us, but he also delights in us, in
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: who created us to be. So I want to encourage
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: you to get quiet with God, ask him, ask him
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: to show you through the Holy Spirit, who did you
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: create me to be? Reminded me again the things that
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: I used to be so excited about, the unique gifts,
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: the things that you put in my life that were
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: so wonderful that maybe, just maybe because I've listened to
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: a narrative that isn't true, I've taken out of my life,
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: or I've ignored, or I've pushed down. Be sure to
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: look for those places where erosion might be happening. Because
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: God wants you to be fully his with your identity fully.
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: Seated in Christ.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: It's just this beautiful mystery in the way that He
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: makes us uniquely who we are, and then he folds
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: us into the beauty of all that he is. So
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: look out for identity erosion really important. Now here's probably
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: the most important thing. When your faith is based on performance,
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: that means it's going to have a fragility to it.
• 27:01
  Speaker 3: And what do I mean by that?
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: In high performance, high control settings, when someone fails, and
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: they will because we are center saved by grace, we
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: will never get this thing completely right. We will never
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: be able to walk in true perfection until we are
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: on the other side of this whole deal. So when
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: you are in a setting in which performance is everything,
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: whether it's you or whether it's someone you have admired,
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: and their performance fails, they flop, something happens, well, then
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: it's like the whole system can go down because all
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: of the sudden, when there becomes a gap in perfectionism,
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: a gap in performance, when everything has been played out
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: in this masquerade and everybody's got these masks on and
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: you've worn it too, and then all of a sudden,
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: you see someone fall in that way, then all the
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: weakness of what that thing is revealed. That was not
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: God's intention. Paul speaks so clearly about, Hey, confess your
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: sins to each other, be real with each other, be
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: honest with each other, build each other back up, call
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: each other out when things aren't going well, when there
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: is sin in the ranks. Those things are good for
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: us now. And that's something I want to really designate.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: Someone constantly critiquing and saying you should be this, you
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: should be that, a good Christian girl would xyz. Whatever
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: the thing is, those narratives that we all have. That's
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: not somebody really looking out for the health of your soul. Okay,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: there are times because sometimes in our environments we don't
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: want to call anything out, which is a whole other
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: level of performance and masquerading. There are people who should
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: love you enough and who you trust enough, and who
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: you have enough humility of spirit that if they come
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: to you and say, hey, I just want to point
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: out something because I love you, I'm concerned. I'm noticing this.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Has God given you a conviction on this at all?
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: Is this something you're seeing in yourself? What a beautiful
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: thing I have Some incredible friends in my life who
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: absolutely will do that for me, and I don't feel
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: controlled by them. I don't feel like I'm trying to
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: live up to a good Christian girl kind of you know,
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: foe standard with them. We know each other, We've done
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: life with each other. We aren't walking around pretending with
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: each other that everything's fine, and we aren't walking around
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: holding each other to some weird standard that is frankly
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: none of each other's businesses. But as Christian sisters, we
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: have given each other access and permission to speak into
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: each other's lives in that way. I want to encourage
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: you seek those kind of friends, pray for those kind
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: of friends, have the kind of heart that is willing
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: to onboard that without feeling like your performance is being critiqued,
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: or without feeling like somebody's trying to make you something
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: into what you're not. That's not what I'm talking about.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: We do have a responsibility to encourage and exhort one another,
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: and that's a beautiful thing that can also help us.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: Drop the mask. Now.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: I want to encourage you. I want to challenge you
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: name what it is that you currently are struggling with
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: when it comes to performing take a look at your calendar.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: What is on there that you don't want to be doing,
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: but you're worried what somebody's opinion will be if you
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: stop doing it. Are you willing to do that because
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: that might be a place of performance. What is something
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: you're involved with. Who is someone that you're engaged with,
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: who the reality is you are not real in that setting.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: Is there an opportunity to reset and say, Hey, I
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: just want to drop the mask. I realize that I
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: have not been completely true in this way. I realized
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: I've got some gum tucked over in my cheek, and
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: I've been worried about getting into merit.
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: So now I want to be real with you.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: I want to reconstitute this relationship and be far more
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: transparent with you.
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: Is that a possibility or are.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: There some relationships in your life that you may need
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: to move just a little bit further out, not because
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: you don't care about the person, but because you need
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: to remove that temptation to be performing, Particularly when it
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: comes to your faith, particularly when it comes to how
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: God has uniquely wired you.
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: The temptation to perform.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: For them is too great, so you need to move
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: their influence a little bit further back.
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: It's not on them.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: It's something that you need to do for you. I
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: want to encourage you to read the Psalms. You know
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: David King, David who wrote a majority of the Psalms.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: One of the things I just love about him is
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: he's so unfiltered. I mean, he's often so unhinged too right, he.
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: Just but he is not.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: Here's the beautiful thing. He was a performer, he was
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: a musician. He was someone who would go into battle
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: and rally the troops and do all the things. He
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: had that side of him that knew how to be that.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: But he also could be extravagantly real before God. Anything
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: that you're afraid is too much for God to handle.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: Go read some of the Psalms. David just lays it out.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: And you know where David got into trouble. It was
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: when he would mask up and hide things like the relationship,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: the illicit relationship that he had with Bathsheba. That's when
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: he really got into trouble. But he was also such
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: a great model of what it means to live so
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: honestly before God, go check out the Psalms. It's going
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: to encourage you to drop some of this performance stuff
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: that you may have going on. And then I want
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: to encourage you to that your identity is separate from
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: your output.
• 32:55
  Speaker 3: Are we created to do good.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: Works through Christ that God prepared ahead of time for it? Yes?
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: We are. Should those good.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: Works be the thing by which we are hiding new No,
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: my friend, you have an identity that is so unique
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: and beautiful that God gave you regardless of what you
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: ever achieve, regardless of what anyone ever sees or knows
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: about you. We are all sinners. Jesus came for us.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: Our output will always be slightly stained by our sinful fingertips,
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: no matter how well we're trying to perform. Remember that
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: you are His. That's the identity, no matter what happens
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: in the output, no matter if you're seeing as someone
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: who gets it all done or someone who doesn't, or
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: someone who is seen as the perfect avatar of the
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: good Christian wife or the good Christian mother or whatever
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: the thing is. First and foremost, you are God's, regardless
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: of how anyone else of value He waits it. I
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: want to encourage you with this. You know, if the
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: sun sets.
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: You free, you will be free.
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: Indeed, Jesus said, I'm still working on some of these things.
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: I'm a lot better than I used to be.
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: I still have a long way to go. I want
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: to encourage you, friend. You do not have to put
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: on a mask. You do not have to be in
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: performance mode all the time. Should you ask God what
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: he wants you to live up to, what his standards
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: are for your life?
• 34:33
  Speaker 3: Yes? Should you be accountable to him? Yes?
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: Should you have a couple trusted people in your life
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: who help you maintain that accountability for the things that
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: you want to take out of your life the things
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: you want to onboard in your life to walk more
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: justly before God. Absolutely. Should everybody have a voice? No,
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: should everybody have the right to try to control what
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: you do, where you go, what you look like, how
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: you whatever the thing is. No, be selective into who
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: is speaking into your life, and go first to your
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: good God, who, through his Holy Spirit will absolutely reveal
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: the things that he wants you to put aside, the
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: things that are neutral, the things that count, the things
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: that don't. And hey, you know what, let's just be real.
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: If you're chewing gum and you're going to get a
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: demerit for it own it, get the demerit. That's actually
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: someone who shows and models the grace of Jesus in
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: their life. All right, friend, I want to encourage you
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: to go to Almandes dot com, a great community of
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: other women just like you who are all trying to
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: figure out this fay thing, trying to not lapse over
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: into having everything polished on the outside, but the inside
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: still need in some work. You're going to find a
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: great community there. I also love when you come over
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: to see me Julie Lyle's car. You should run Instagram
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: as where I hang out the most.
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: Head over there shooting a DM.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: I want to know what you want to talk about,
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: the things you're grapping with, the things that are tough
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: for you. That's how we come up with our episodes.
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: That's how we invite guests. I want to hear from you,
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: and I will see you next time on the album
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: does podcast