Latest / Come Back to Love: / Come Back To Love May 28, 2026 Why the Most Successful, Capable, and Emotionally Intelligent People Struggle with Love

Transcript

Come Back To Love May 28, 2026 Why the Most Successful, Capable, and Emotionally Intelligent People Struggle with Love · Come Back to Love:

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Welcome to come Back to Love with your host, Robin Vogel.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Each week at this same time, come Back to Love
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: covers an endless array of topics related to relationships, love
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and intimacy, along with all the reasons you may be
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: keeping love at a distance. Can a shattered heart be
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: your doorway to your greatest love story? Robin will give
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: you practical tools that can be used to heal the
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: past and help you to safely love again. And now
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: today's come back to Love.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Hello everyone, and welcome to come back to Love. This
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: is Robin Vogel and we are on km ET Radio.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: In a world that often feels disconnected, uncertain, and overwhelming,
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: there has never been a more important time to come
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: back to love. I'm Robin Vogel. I'm a psychotherapist, relationship expert,
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: love and intimacy coach, and I'm the author of come
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Back to Love, a Path to Healing, published this year
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: by Cooler Book and found anywhere you buy books online.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: For over twenty years, I've been sitting with people in
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: their most tender, courageous moments. The heartbreaks, the longing, the
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: walls they've built around their hearts, and the quiet hope
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: that real love is still possible. Well, I want to
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: tell you that it is. This show is a sanctuary,
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: a place to heal the past, reconnect with yourself, and
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: fall in love again with your life, with others, and
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: most importantly with yourself. Welcome to come back to love again.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: I am Robin Vogel. We are on kme ET, your
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: ABC News radio affiliate. This show airs live in southern
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: California on KMET fourteen ninety AM and ninety eight point
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: one FM. It also can be heard on any of
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: your favorite podcast platforms. So let's begin. I want to
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: ask you something today. I want you to really sit
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: with it rather than just answer quickly. So if you're driving,
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: if you're walking, if you're biking, if you're just sitting
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: lounging around in your home or in your backyard listening,
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: I want to invite you first to take a deep breath,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: to take this moment with me and pause. Take a breath,
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Feel your feet, feel your feet on the earth. If
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: you're able to feel yourself sitting in the chair that
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: you're in, perhaps feel the back support you're receiving from
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: the couch or the chair. Just come back to yourself
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: for a moment. Put aside anything that came before this
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: very moment, perhaps anything that is coming in the future
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: that's got your attention that might be distracting. I want
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: to invite you again to come back to this ten seconds.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: What would it be like to be present for this
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: ten seconds? In this next breath deep breath in exhale,
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: connect with the earth beyond just your feet. I invite
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: you to send a grounding cord from the base of
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: your body into the center of the earth, and I
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: invite you to feel more grounded and connected to yourself,
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: to your body. And at the same time, I invite
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: you to be aware of the space around you. Expand out,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: expand out in all directions. We'll talk more about that
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: down the road. But you are way more than your
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: physical body. So inviting you to expand out in all
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: directions just gives you the opportunity to really feel the
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: infinite self that you truly are. And it invites you,
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: when you expand out, to increase your awareness, to gain
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: more insight, connect with your intuition, all things that are
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: very supportive for your journey. Okay, again, I want to
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: ask you something, and I want to invite you to
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: now that you're grounded and more connected to allow the
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: answer to come into your awareness. So here it goes.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: Is there an area of your life where you are
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: genuinely excellent, genuinely masterful. Is it your work, your friendships,
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: your health, the way you show up for other people,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: and yet love, romantic love, intimate partnership, that one thing
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: keeps not working the way everything else does. Let's put
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: it this way. You're capable, you're accomplished, you have figured
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: out harder things than this, and yet here you are.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: If this is you, here you are still single when
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: you don't want to be, or in a relationship that
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: feels more like a business arrangement or roommates than a
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: love story, or cycling through the same dynamic over and
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: over again with different people who somehow feel exactly the same.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: If any part of you just said, yes, this episode
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: is for you again. I'm Robin Vogel, and this has
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: come back to love on kme Et and today we're
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: going to talk about something I have watched play out
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: in my office, in my retreat rooms, in my workshop
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: spaces for over twenty years. Why the most successful, capable,
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: emotionally intelligent people are often the ones who struggle the
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: most in love, and more importantly, what's actually going on
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: underneath that pattern and what you can do about it.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: So stay with me. Let me paint a picture and
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: tell me if you recognize yourself in it. You grew
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: up in an environment where things were complicated. Maybe there
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: was chaos, or emotional and predictability, or a parent who
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: was physically present but emotionally somewhere else. Entirely that was
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: That was my experience with my dad. Maybe nothing dramatic happened,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: there was no obvious trauma, no single event you can
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: point to, but something in you learned early that the
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: way to be okay, the way to be loved, the
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: way to survive was to be capable. Oh my gosh,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I know this one. Up and down and all around.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: You were able to figure things out. You're really smart.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: You don't need too much. Don't worry about me. I
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: don't need that much. I can handle it. I can
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: figure it out myself. I can do it myself. I'm
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: really strong, I'm really capable. And so you did. You
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: became someone who handles things. You built a life that works.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: You're reliable, you're competent, and people know they can count
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: on you. I'm laughing to myself because as I like
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: share this, I'm just reflecting on myself and my own life, Like, wow,
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: did I become somebody that was so reliable and so
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: super competent and people absolutely know that they can count
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: on me? And that has been the truth for a
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: very long time. So here's what nobody tells you about that,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: and what nobody told me at the time. The same
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: wiring that makes you so successful, the self reliance, the
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: high standards, the ability to function under pressure, the not needing.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: That exact wiring is what makes intimacy feel almost impossible.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: It's not kind of crazy. I'm going to say that again.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: The self reliance, the high standards you have for yourself
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: that you actually meet, the ability to function under pressure,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: the not needing so much, I can take care of
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: it myself kind of attitude, which is so great in life. Right,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: there's so many positives. That's the exact wiring that makes
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: intimacy feel almost impossible. Because intimacy requires the opposite of
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: handling it, of handling everything, taking over, of taking control
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: of functioning really really really well under pressure. Intimacy requires
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: something different, and here it is folks that are listening
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: and thank you so much for being here. Intimacy requires
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: not knowing, It requires vulnerability, It requires needing someone else.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you go all week. I can't handle it.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I'm not capable, but it's something different. Meeting someone else
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: is something else. Letting them see you when you're not
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: performing and asking for help without immediately knowing how to
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: repay it, because that's another piece of like, well, i'll
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: help you, and you'll help me, and everything will just
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: stay very like functional and you know, working really well,
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: asking for help, being vulnerable, staying open, needing support, needing
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: something someone, and letting people see this aspect of you
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: when you're not in performing mode or performance mode. In psychology,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: we call what you've developed high functioning survival mode. High
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: functioning survival mode. It's not a disorder, it's not in
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: the DSM. It's actually brilliant. Your nervous system designed this
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: in response to a very real experience and perhaps very
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: real early experiences, experiences more than one experience, and it
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: kept you safe. It helped you build everything you've built
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: in life. Right now, look around you, think about your work,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: look at your home, think about what your living room
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: looks like. Think about the relationships you have in your life,
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: the friendships you have in your life. Those things are
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: working pretty well, I imagine, not perfect for sure. Maybe
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: your living room is a complete disaster. Maybe some of
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: your friendships have been suffering and difficult, but overall you've
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: developed what's called a high functioning survival mode, high functioning
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: survival way of being in the world. And again it's brilliant.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: Your nervous system reacted, responded to chaos, to crises, to trauma,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: to abuse perhaps, and this way of really developing a
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: masterful way of being in the world was what allowed
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: you to survive what you survived. Again, it helped you
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: build everything you've built thus far in your life. But
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: the thing about your nervous system is that it doesn't
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: know that you've grown up. The things that get established
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: early on, and I've talked about this before in my
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: other episodes. The things that get established early on to
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: support you in the crisis and the trauma that you're
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: going through early on, those parts we call them protector parts,
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: we call them managers and internal family systems work. They
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: get stuck at the age that they developed, that they
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: started to organize themselves around the chaos that was happening,
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: to support you, to get you into survival modes so
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: that you could survive. Those parts are still six months old,
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: they're still three years old, they're still five years old.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: They don't actually know that your whole being, your whole body,
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: your whole self, has grown up. The nervous system doesn't
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: know that the people in your life today are not
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: the people who were unpredictable or unavailable early on, or
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: maybe they were too much to lean on you couldn't
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: lean on and you know, couldn't rely on them. Your
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: nervous system doesn't know that, and that's a huge part
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: of recovery, huge part of healing and coming back to
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: love with yourself and trusting yourself. So your nervous system
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: keeps running that old program. Handle it, don't need too much,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: stay one step ahead, and the person who loves you
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: or wants to love you, to love you keeps bumping
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: into a wall that they can't see and they don't understand.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: They feel you, but they can't quite reach you, and
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: eventually some of them stop trying. Gosh, I've had a
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: lot of experiences like that in my life, where men
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: that eventually became my friends told me one in particular
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: that I'm thinking of. He was like, I just couldn't
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: reach you. It's like you were there, but you weren't there.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: You smiled, you connected with me, you know, meta meta workshops.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: So we did some exercises together, like deep exercises where
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: we really connected. But he felt a wall and that
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: was a really interesting reflection to receive about ten years
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: ago from this person who was now my very dear friend.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: But at the time he was like, yeah, I just
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: stopped trying. I couldn't reach you. It's not a character flaw.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: That's one really important thing to know. It's a pattern,
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: and like all patterns, it can change. The first step.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: The first step is simply this recognizing that the very
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: thing that made you successful may be the thing that's
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: costing you in love now, not because something's wrong with you,
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: but because you're still running an old program that was
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: written for survival. And love doesn't thrive in survival mode.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Love thrives in safety, in presence, and the willingness to
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: be known, the willingness to be open and vulnerable soft
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: again in that space of like I don't know. Love
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: survives in a relaxed, open space. So for someone like you,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: it's a skill that has to be consciously learned, not
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: begin because you're broken or because something's wrong or there's
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: a character flaw. No, no, no, it's because you just
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: were never taught. You went into survival mode and you
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: stayed there. You stayed there. I did the same thing.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: I stayed there for a very long time until I
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: realized what I was doing. All right, So I want
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: to talk about another piece that shows up here that
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I'm guessing many of you will find very familiar. But
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: before I move into this part, I just want to
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: say I'm Robin Vogel. This is kme ET Radio. I
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: am thrilled to be with you here every single week
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: on Thursdays at one thirty pm Pacific time four thirty
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: pm Eastern time. And this has come back to love
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: and we are on kme ET Radio. I'm really happy
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: to be here with you. Thank you, thank you so
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: much for joining my show. We're going to move into
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: another piece called the Overgiver. We're talking about high functioning
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: survival mode and how that was so helpful early on
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: and so not helpful in the present moment for those
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: that are looking for love and wanting to be in
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: love and be in a loving, long lasting, healthy relationship.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: So I want to talk about something that lives right
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: alongside high functioning survival mode. And it's something I see
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: constantly again and successful people, especially women, overgiving. I wish
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: I were in the room with you and I could
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: see all your faces because I'm raising my hand. Other
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: people would be raising their hands too, And it's a
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: very common dynamic and pattern that we are all. I
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: am sure ready to give up and turn over because
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: overgiving is so exhausting and really does not create a
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: healthy relationship. Here's how it shows up in love and
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: shoot me an email if you feel like any of
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: this is resonating. Robin Roby and a comeback to love
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: dot com. Very easy to find me, to email me,
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: and also to go to my website and check out
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: all the things I'm doing. Come back to love dot com.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: So here's how it shows up and love. You give
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: and give and give. You're thoughtful, you're generous, You anticipate
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: what people need before they even ask. You remember the
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: things that matter to your partner. You show up, You
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: do all the emotional work. You do all the emotional labor,
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: you carry more than your share, and you do it
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: quietly and often with a smile, and people think you're amazing.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: And underneath all of that giving, there's a very quiet,
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: very unspoken hope. If I give enough, maybe they'll stay.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: If I give enough, maybe i'll feel worth it. If
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: I give enough, maybe they'll finally see me. If I
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: give enough, I'll be loved. Overgiving is not generosity. I
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: want to make that distinction clearly. It's a little bit
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: of a hard pill to swallow. Overgiving is not generosity.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: Generosity flows from fullness, a full cup, from having enough
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: inside yourself that you genuinely want to share. Overgiving, on
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: the other hand, flows from fear, from a deep, often
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: unconscious belief that you have to earn your place in
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: someone's heart. You have to earn your place in community,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: you have to earn your place in the neighborhood, You
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: have to learn your place in life, in your family.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: That love is not freely given, that it has to
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: be one, it has to be earned. And here's the
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: brutal irony of overgiving in relationships. It doesn't create closeness.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: It creates resentment in you, and it can create a
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: kind of suffocation in the other person. It almost always
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: attracts people who are happy to receive without reciprocating, because
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: people who take too much can smell someone who gives
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: too much from a mile away and they're like, yeah,
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: bring it on, Bring it on. If you're exhausted in
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: your relationship, if you always feel like you're working harder
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: than the other person that you're dating or just getting
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: to know or friending, if you find yourself keeping score
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: even though you tell yourself you're not, that's the signature
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: of overgiving and the healing of it is not learning
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: to give less, it's learning to receive. For those of
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: you that have my book, and if you don't, you
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: can find it on Amazon dot com Come Back to Love,
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: A Path to Healing. I write a whole chapter on receiving.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: It's such a huge topic. Receiving learning to really let
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: someone take care of you without immediately deflecting it, minimizing it,
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: or saying you're fine when you're not. It's learning that
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: you are worth loving, not because of what you do,
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: but just because of who you are. That is not
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: a small thing to learn, but it is learnable. I
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: have watched it happen and it changes everything. I had
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: to learn it big time. The next piece I'm going
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: to address to on today's show is independence as armor.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: And again this is Robin Vogel. We are on Comeback
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: to Love Radio show on km ET. Very happy to
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: be here with you every Thursday one thirty pm Pacific
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: four thirty pm East Coast time, and also on all
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: the podcast platforms. So the third pattern that I want
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: to name today is perhaps the most invisible one because
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: it looks like a virtue. It's emotional unavailability hidden as independence.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: In our culture, we celebrate independence, especially in women. We
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: admire the person who doesn't need anyone, who has it
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: all together, who never asks for help, who is self
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: sufficient in every area of life. And there is something
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: genuinely healthy about independence, knowing yourself, having your own life,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: not losing yourself in a relationship. But there's a version
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: of independence that's actually armor. It looks like I'm very busy,
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I have a full life, I don't really need anything.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: I don't really need. A relationship would be nice, but
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: I'm fine either way. It looks like I've been hurt
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: before and I just don't let people in that easily anymore.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: I have high standards. I'm picky. It can look like
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: I need a lot of space. I value my alone time.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: I just haven't met anyone. I haven't met someone worth
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: changing my life for. All of that can be true,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: and all of it can also be a very sophisticated,
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: very understandable way of staying safe. Because here's the thing
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: about independence as armor. It lets you stay in the
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: longing without ever risking the having. As long as you're independent,
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: as long as you don't really need anyone, you can
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: really you can't really be abandoned, you can't really be hurt,
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: you can't really be disappointed. Right, you also can't really
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: be loved because love, again, the real, lasting, bone deep
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: kind of love, requires you to matter to someone, to
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: let them matter to you, to need each other in
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: the healthy, interdependent way that humans are actually wired for.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: Somewhere along the way, for many of the people I
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: work with, needing becomes dangerous. So the nervous system made
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: a very smart decision, I won't need I'll be so
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: self sufficient that needing becomes unnecessary. And now you're successful
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: and independent and fine and lonely in a way you
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: don't fully let yourself admit because admitting the loneliness feels
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: like admitting that the armor isn't working. But guess what,
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: it isn't working not because independence is bad, but because
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: armor keeps out everything, including the love you actually want.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: So the invitation that it is an invitation, not a demand,
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: is to begin to exact. And the difference between healthy
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: independence and protective distance to ask yourself, am I choosing
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: solitude or am I hiding in it? That question asked
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: with genuine curiosity rather than self judgment is where everything
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: begins to shift. So today, right here, in the last
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: few minutes of this radio show, I want to invite
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: you to sit with that single question. Sit with it
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: this week in the car on a walk before you
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: fall asleep. And the question is in my relationships, am
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: I showing up? Or am I performing? And I would say,
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: am I overperforming? Am I overworking? Is my armor in place?
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: Am I independent? As a rule, showing up means being present, imperfect,
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: honest about what you feel and what you need, Willing
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: to be seen when you're not at your best. Performing
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: means bring in the version of yourself that has it
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: all together, that's giving, that's capable, that doesn't need anything
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: successful people have become so good at performing that they've
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: forgotten what showing up feels like. This week, just notice,
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: you don't have to change anything yet. Just notice is
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: your closest relationships, in your closest relationships, are you showing
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: up or are you performing? That notice and that noticing
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: is the beginning of everything. And that's my invitation to you,
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: all of you, my dear friends, this week, really invite
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: you to look at your life to see if you're
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: in high functioning survival mode. To notice if you're overgiving,
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: to notice if independence has become an armor for you,
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: and notice that it's your nervous system is in protective mode,
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: that you're in survival mode. You're in high functioning survival mode.
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: I wanted to take a moment to share with you
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: that I'm teaching a class June twenty first to twenty
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: fifth at the Crpallo Center for Yogan Health and Western Massachusetts.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: Wherever you're listening in from, you can fly into a
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: nearby airport. The class, the workshop, the four days that
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: we're going to spend together are all about rewiring this pattern.
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: Rewiring this pattern, not just talking about it, but actually
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: changing the pattern in your body, in your nervous system,
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: and in the way you show up, so that you
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: can know what it is to feel safe and safely
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: vulnerable and open to relationship. We're going to use internal
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: family systems therapy, We're going to use neuroscience, somatic practices,
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: heart centered work to rewire the very patterns we've been
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: talking about today. So if you really identify with the
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: cable accomplished, emotionally intelligent person who has everything working except
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: this one thing, I invite you to check out the
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: details at Kripalu dot org. That's kripa l U dot org.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: Just search my name, Robin Vogel and you will find
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: the class Rewire for Love. This has been another episode
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: of come Back to Love on KM E T and
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: I am so glad that you were here with me.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: If something stirred in you today, if you've felt something
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: open or recognize yourself and what we explore today, I
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: want you to know that you don't have to figure
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: this out alone. Besides coming to Crapallo with me at
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: the end of June for the summer sol System the
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: Rewire for Love Retreat, I also invite you to a
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: thirty minute private conversation with me. Just go to comebacktolove
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: dot com and click on book thirty minutes. That's all
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: very easy to do. And if you're not ready for
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: a conversation yet, that's okay to come back next Thursday
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: at one thirty pm Pacific for thirty pm Eastern right
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: here on km E T and I will be here.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: This show is called come Back to Love because I
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: believe with everything in me that love is something you find,
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: not something you find, it's something you return to. It's
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: already in you. It's always been in you. We're just
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: finding our way back. I'm Robin Vogel. Be gentle with yourself.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: Love is possible, and it starts with coming back to you.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: Have a beautiful day, everybody. Then I'll see you next week. Hi,
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: this is Robin Vogel, host of come Back to Love.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: If you are ready to heal the past and open
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: your heart to love again, I want to talk with you.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: Book a free thirty minute private conversation with me at
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: comebacktolove dot com. I'll meet you where you are and
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: give you real tools you can use right now. Because
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: love isn't just possible for you, it's waiting for you.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: Go to comeback too love dot com and book your
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: free thirty minutes Today.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: You've been listening to Come Back to Love with Robin Vogel,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: a transformative program that covers an endless array of topics
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: related to relationships, love and intimacy, along with all the
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: reasons you may be keeping love at a distance. Tune
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: in each week as Robin gives you practical tools that
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: can be used to heal the past and help you
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: to safely love again. Join Robin again next week at
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: the same time for come Back to Love