Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 58 | Grippable Skull

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58 | Grippable Skull · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Eric, would it be all right with you if I shared with you a recent dream I've had?
• 0:06
  Eric: Oh my gosh.
• 0:08
  Eric: Matthew, please.
• 0:09
  Matt: And I don't want to lead you astray.
• 0:11
  Matt: When I say a dream I've had, I'm talking about an actual dream.
• 0:16
  Matt: I'm not talking about like a hope or an aspiration.
• 0:19
  Matt: Life goal, bullshit.
• 0:20
  Matt: Like you was dreaming.
• 0:22
  Matt: No, my subconscious is what I'd like to discuss.
• 0:25
  Eric: T falling out late for tests.
• 0:29
  Matt: I suppose you could call it a nightmare.
• 0:32
  Matt: But really, the nightmare happens when I wake up.
• 0:36
  Matt: Isn't that interesting?
• 0:37
  Eric: Okay.
• 0:38
  Matt: Yeah.
• 0:39
  Matt: Alright.
• 0:39
  Matt: So here's here's what happened.
• 0:41
  Matt: Um, I can't remember all the bits and pieces, but here's the important part.
• 0:46
  Matt: There's a bald, tall man.
• 0:49
  Matt: Okay.
• 0:50
  Matt: Okay.
• 0:51
  Matt: Picture him there.
• 0:52
  Matt: I'd say my mind's eye, I see him.
• 0:54
  Matt: Like a freakish height, like maybe like six seven, you know?
• 1:00
  Eric: Amen.
• 1:00
  Eric: Thank you.
• 1:01
  Eric: Thank you for valid.
• 1:02
  Eric: Anything bel anything below that, totally normal.
• 1:04
  Eric: Totally normal and fine.
• 1:05
  Eric: Six seven, you're a fucking freak.
• 1:08
  Matt: Yeah, like a weird height, like six seven, something like that.
• 1:10
  Matt: Something nobody is.
• 1:11
  Matt: No.
• 1:12
  Matt: And so this is not real.
• 1:14
  Matt: This guy, he's he's a bigger guy, bald guy, an imposing man.
• 1:20
  Matt: All right.
• 1:20
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:21
  Matt: You got him there?
• 1:22
  Matt: And for some reason.
• 1:23
  Eric: A grim aspect.
• 1:25
  Matt: We yes, for some reason, we are at the top floor of my parents' house.
• 1:30
  Matt: Top floor.
• 1:30
  Matt: There's two floors.
• 1:31
  Matt: I don't know why I made it sound like it was a few years ago.
• 1:33
  Matt: Still, you're technically correct.
• 1:34
  Matt: I'm on the top floor.
• 1:36
  Matt: We're on, we're on the stairs.
• 1:38
  Matt: Like the the little bow- you know.
• 1:40
  Eric: The one flight of stairs.
• 1:41
  Matt: The one flight of stairs goes up and there's like a little railing at the top, you know.
• 1:44
  Matt: So we're in that little stretch of hallway right above the stairs.
• 1:48
  Matt: Picture I'm painting this picture so you can see that we are in showdown formation.
• 1:54
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:55
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:55
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:56
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:56
  Eric: And so you know you're you're fighting for your fucking life out here.
• 2:01
  Matt: I don't know what I said, but the man is upset.
• 2:06
  Matt: And I say that I said something because of what I will soon say.
• 2:11
  Matt: I'm still with you.
• 2:12
  Matt: Go on, my child.
• 2:14
  Matt: So the guy is getting really pissed.
• 2:17
  Matt: He wants to fight me, Eric.
• 2:20
  Matt: He wants to fight.
• 2:22
  Matt: He's getting all revved up and he's got no place to go, as Meatloaf would say.
• 2:26
  Eric: He's like doing that thing where like he's flicking his nose with his thumbs and like.
• 2:30
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:31
  Matt: And so then eventually he gets to the point where he says, I challenge you to a duel.
• 2:41
  Matt: Okay.
• 2:42
  Matt: And I say, This is Dream Matt speaking.
• 2:45
  Matt: Yep.
• 2:46
  Matt: This is Dream Matt speaking, in case this seems out of character.
• 2:49
  Eric: Okay.
• 2:50
  Matt: Dream Matt says.
• 2:52
  Matt: My friend, I won the duel of wits long ago.
• 2:56
  Eric: My man.
• 2:58
  Eric: My my fucking man.
• 3:00
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 3:01
  Eric: I am dead serious.
• 3:03
  Eric: You hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote.
• 3:05
  Matt: You like you fucking I hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote.
• 3:09
  Matt: And what does he do, Eric?
• 3:11
  Matt: Oh, he blows his fucking top with whatever nonsense I said before to this guy is is immaterial because now he is pissed.
• 3:24
  Matt: He lunges forward and he is like closing the distance.
• 3:27
  Matt: And Dream Matt is like a little shocked because, as I said, I've already won the battle.
• 3:31
  Matt: Yeah, so why are you attacking me?
• 3:32
  Matt: I said I won.
• 3:34
  Matt: So he comes in and I throw my hands up to protect myself, right?
• 3:40
  Eric: Yes.
• 3:41
  Eric: I sorry, I just wish you could all see what I'm seeing.
• 3:44
  Eric: It's beauty.
• 3:46
  Eric: Yeah.
• 3:47
  Eric: That is your hands in front of you.
• 3:49
  Matt: I can put up a screenshot of the hands in front of me.
• 3:52
  Matt: And Eric.
• 3:53
  Matt: Yes.
• 3:54
  Matt: As most things happen when you have a dream like that, I I scream a little bit in the dream.
• 4:03
  Matt: Right?
• 4:03
  Matt: Like because he's coming at me.
• 4:05
  Matt: So ah, you know?
• 4:06
  Matt: Yeah.
• 4:07
  Matt: And it's usually at this point of dreams that one wakes up, right?
• 4:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 4:10
  Matt: When something jostling happens.
• 4:13
  Matt: And that's exactly what I happened.
• 4:14
  Matt: I woke up, but imagine my surprise, Eric.
• 4:19
  Matt: And remember, before I say anything else, I want you to remember I'm the victim here.
• 4:22
  Eric: Oh, Matt, Matt, before you say anything else, before I say anything else, remember, I am the victim.
• 4:28
  Eric: I am your advocate, I am your friend, and I am here for you.
• 4:34
  Matt: Yes.
• 4:34
  Matt: And there can really only be one side to the story.
• 4:36
  Matt: So just keep that in mind as we go forward.
• 4:39
  Matt: Imagine my surprise when I regain my consciousness to find that I have both hands clasped around my wife's head and am screaming.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.
• 4:54
  Eric: So wait, so just to be clear, you were holding her head like a melon.
• 4:58
  Eric: I'm the victim here.
• 4:59
  Eric: You no, Matt, you are the okay.
• 5:01
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:02
  Eric: There, yeah, Eric, my friend is a victim here.
• 5:06
  Eric: Um, Matt, sorry, you know, in for a penny, in for a pound.
• 5:11
  Eric: Uh, I will uh as long yeah.
• 5:13
  Eric: I might have suckered you into the biggest thing.
• 5:14
  Eric: So you were trying, so you woke up trying to crush your wife's head like a grape.
• 5:19
  Eric: I was trying to crush the bald, tall man's head.
• 5:23
  Matt: Like grape.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:25
  Matt: But instead, I have my wife's head in my hands, who is I guess scared.
• 5:31
  Eric: I guess concern.
• 5:33
  Eric: I like was she looking directly at you with your hair like she's facing the other thing.
• 5:41
  Eric: Poor Lindsay just feels these like mitts, like just from a deer muffling her noggin.
• 5:47
  Matt: Yes, so in all seriousness, in a dead sleep, Lindsay is woken by my fucking mitts, grabbing hold of her head, shaking it.
• 5:58
  Matt: I forgot to mention that shake it.
• 6:03
  Matt: And so now this lasts only a couple of seconds because as soon as I gain consciousness and realize what I'm doing, I transitioned to I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: What can you even say at the moment?
• 6:17
  Matt: I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I said, which lay Lindsay would later.
• 6:22
  Matt: Well Lindsay has already relayed this story to friends, and um she she put it the way she put it to advocate for her since she's not here.
• 6:32
  Matt: I'll I'll say exactly what she said.
• 6:33
  Matt: She said that I had the audacity after after I said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
• 6:41
  Matt: I'm bad dream.
• 6:42
  Matt: So sorry.
• 6:43
  Matt: After I got all those out, I said, go back to sleep.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Matthew, bless your heart.
• 6:57
  Eric: Oh, bless you.
• 6:58
  Eric: Oh man.
• 6:59
  Eric: Oh, you didn't.
• 7:00
  Eric: She she what time in the morning did this occur?
• 7:05
  Eric: I believe this occurred at like 4 30 a.m.
• 7:08
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 7:10
  Eric: There's the day gone.
• 7:12
  Matt: Yeah, it's like just early enough before like wake up.
• 7:16
  Matt: Like my alarm goes, I get up at 6 45.
• 7:18
  Matt: And so it's like just enough time that like you can't get great, great sleep after.
• 7:24
  Eric: No, no, there's no coming back from that.
• 7:26
  Matt: Well, the thing is, neither Lindsay or I really are sleeping too well these these days, anyway, due to the world.
• 7:34
  Matt: Yeah.
• 7:35
  Matt: Yeah.
• 7:35
  Matt: So I told her to go back to sleep, and believe it or not, she couldn't.
• 7:39
  Eric: She that's so wild to me.
• 7:41
  Eric: She wait, you're so she couldn't just go back to sleep after the man she married tried to like tried to like Gallagher her her head with his hands.
• 7:53
  Eric: Yeah, it was really surprising because I did.
• 7:55
  Matt: I was out like a I went right back to sleep, out like a light.
• 7:58
  Matt: I got that, I got a duel to get to.
• 8:01
  Eric: I got a duel to get to.
• 8:02
  Eric: That's him, officer.
• 8:03
  Eric: That's the one right over there.
• 8:15
  Matt: Well, hello there, and welcome to You Didn't Ask for This, the podcast answering life's least pressing questions.
• 8:23
  Matt: My name is Matthew Shea.
• 8:26
  Matt: My name is Eric Poach.
• 8:28
  Matt: Yes, and and welcome one and all to the 58th episode of Ya Daft.
• 8:35
  Matt: 58?
• 8:36
  Eric: Not too late, baby.
• 8:39
  Matt: Never too late.
• 8:40
  Matt: You just in time to join the fun.
• 8:42
  Eric: Come on up.
• 8:43
  Eric: You know what?
• 8:44
  Eric: Pull up a seat.
• 8:46
  Eric: You know, sit around the fire.
• 8:48
  Matt: Sit around the fire, sit around the bar, if you will.
• 8:51
  Matt: Yeah, you know what?
• 8:52
  Matt: Because Matt, we uh we got bottles.
• 8:55
  Matt: We got some booze on tap for this episode, which is the first for us.
• 9:00
  Eric: Uh yeah.
• 9:01
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:03
  Eric: No, it it it is.
• 9:04
  Eric: I'm just now realizing that.
• 9:05
  Eric: Yeah, I mean, we don't usually in buy on the show.
• 9:09
  Matt: No, we're good kids, we're good.
• 9:10
  Matt: This is a Christian server.
• 9:12
  Matt: But with this, we're drinking whiskey over the uh over the weekend there.
• 9:16
  Matt: Eric and I were met up in person for the first time in quite some time to go to a Christmas gift from my lovely wife, who And how did you thank her?
• 9:29
  Eric: I who I cherish very dearly.
• 9:33
  Eric: Um she is gonna give you shit for this until the day you die.
• 9:37
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 9:38
  Matt: It joins the list.
• 9:40
  Matt: So uh we went to the uh the Baltimore Spirits Company there for a blend your own whiskey experience.
• 9:47
  Matt: So each of us have our own little blends here.
• 9:50
  Matt: Eric, yeah, how did yours turn out?
• 9:53
  Matt: I'm so curious to know.
• 9:56
  Matt: You know what, Matt?
• 9:56
  Matt: It's wild.
• 9:57
  Matt: Since we agreed we wouldn't hold off till this recording to open them in some sort of like special fashion.
• 10:05
  Eric: Well, yeah, I I I wouldn't know what mine tastes like yet because I haven't opened it, because I am a good friend and I wanted to share this experience with you.
• 10:13
  Matt: It had Well, you know what, Eric, it's interesting because I've already opened mine and tried mine because it's almost as if I asked you if you wanted to hold off and try them on mic, and you said, no, no, no, I'm drinking tonight.
• 10:27
  Matt: I'm an alcoholic.
• 10:29
  Matt: It's interesting that you said Eric's not an alcoholic.
• 10:34
  Matt: I'm not no, no, no.
• 10:35
  Matt: For any employers listening.
• 10:38
  Eric: It's just a little joke.
• 10:41
  Eric: Um, yeah.
• 10:41
  Eric: So, folks, full disclosure, I uh I prostrate yourself at the altar.
• 10:48
  Eric: Yeah.
• 10:49
  Eric: I uh I have if this might come as a shock to you.
• 10:54
  Eric: I hope you're sitting down.
• 10:55
  Eric: I have what we in the business like to call attention, hyperactivity deficit disorder, hyper attention whole I'm this isn't even a fucking bit.
• 11:06
  Eric: This is not a bit.
• 11:07
  Eric: Attention, hyperactive sorry, attention deficit, hyperactive The man can't focus.
• 11:15
  Eric: ADHD.
• 11:16
  Eric: I don't have per I don't have uh object permanence, one might say.
• 11:20
  Eric: So when I I I sat this on the shelf with with all our other boots.
• 11:24
  Eric: Um, and as soon as I stopped looking at it, it stopped existing.
• 11:29
  Eric: So I forgot, I was like, yeah, I'm gonna drink this tonight.
• 11:32
  Eric: And then literally anything happened, and I that became the focus of my life.
• 11:37
  Eric: Uh and I for I just, you know, plum forgot.
• 11:41
  Matt: Well, Eric, try it now.
• 11:42
  Eric: Let's see, let's crack this bad boy open.
• 11:44
  Eric: Uh Matt, I don't know about you.
• 11:46
  Eric: I'm dealing with a we we had four whiskeys we could blend.
• 11:49
  Eric: We had the uh uh and these were all Baltimore Spirit Company uh whiskeys.
• 11:53
  Eric: Uh we had the three-year epoch rye, uh straight rye.
• 11:59
  Eric: Uh these are all ryes.
• 12:01
  Eric: Uh we had the Union Stout finished rye, so that was finished in stout barrels.
• 12:07
  Eric: We had the Jamaican rum uh rye finished in rum barrels.
• 12:11
  Eric: We had Lafroy, which was finished in Scotch barrels.
• 12:14
  Matt: And to be to be honest, it wasn't it wasn't the best measuring glass, if I were to be honest with the Baltimore Spirits Company.
• 12:22
  Matt: But everything else about the tour, honestly, the tour was incredible.
• 12:26
  Eric: Like we we learned so much about the colour.
• 12:28
  Matt: We toured the distillery, we drank, learned a lot about rye, got to taste all these different ryes.
• 12:33
  Matt: It was great, blended our own whiskey.
• 12:35
  Matt: I'll say they got pretty close to the blend I created.
• 12:38
  Matt: It's a little bit more smoky than I would have enjoyed, but it's still great.
• 12:43
  Matt: So here's to you.
• 12:44
  Eric: Here's to you, Matthew.
• 12:45
  Matt: Clink.
• 12:46
  Matt: Here's to us.
• 12:46
  Matt: Clink clink from across the Zoom.
• 12:49
  Matt: And what is the review, Eric?
• 12:51
  Matt: What notes are you getting?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm getting I'm getting notes of whiskey.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And with wait, what's that?
• 13:00
  Eric: It's a little the traditional whiskey slurp.
• 13:09
  Eric: A little bit of like whiskey on the top palette.
• 13:13
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 13:14
  Eric: And with a whiskey finish.
• 13:16
  Matt: With a with a little bit of booze in the system, Eric, I don't see any way episode 58 can let us down.
• 13:25
  Matt: Let's do it.
• 13:26
  Matt: Should we jump right into some questions, my friend?
• 13:29
  Eric: 100%, my man.
• 13:30
  Eric: Let's go.
• 13:32
  Matt: Let's do it.
• 13:33
  Matt: And uh this comes from the Instagram, and it comes from at AJ underscore underscudegore, good friend of the pod.
• 13:45
  Matt: AJ Stegs.
• 13:48
  Matt: The Steag man.
• 13:50
  Matt: The Stiegler.
• 13:51
  Matt: The Steagme figure.
• 13:53
  Matt: Yep.
• 13:54
  Matt: Uh the Steag figure.
• 13:55
  Matt: I wonder if anyone's ever said that.
• 13:57
  Matt: Anyway, is milk juice?
• 13:59
  Eric: Uh let's let's get the hot takes out of the way.
• 14:01
  Eric: I'd say yes.
• 14:02
  Matt: You'd say yes.
• 14:03
  Matt: I'd say no.
• 14:04
  Matt: You'd say no.
• 14:06
  Eric: I'd say no.
• 14:07
  Eric: May I ask why you say no?
• 14:09
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 14:10
  Matt: I'd say that that milk is in itself a category of things because it comes out of an animal.
• 14:20
  Matt: It is excreted as opposed to juice, which is like a concoction.
• 14:25
  Matt: And sure, sure, milk gets treated from the cows and such and the goats and whatnot before traditionally it is uh drank by humans.
• 14:36
  Matt: But um at the same time, it's still milk when it comes out.
• 14:40
  Matt: It's not like it comes out as water and then gets turned into milk.
• 14:44
  Eric: Yeah, but for me, like juice.
• 14:47
  Eric: Juice comes from a fruit.
• 14:49
  Eric: Well, juice can come juice.
• 14:51
  Eric: So for me, it's it's what actions I have to take to get it.
• 14:55
  Eric: My personal belief and you know sorry if I get a little political.
• 15:02
  Eric: Okay.
• 15:03
  Eric: But when it comes to juice, to get juice, the key act for me is not like the object it's coming from, it is the method by which you get the juice.
• 15:12
  Eric: And for me, juice like juice is all about a squeezing action.
• 15:20
  Eric: If you were squeezing, I squeeze the lemon from my juice.
• 15:24
  Eric: I s I crush the at like it's a it's a it's a constricting squeezing motion.
• 15:30
  Matt: Well, thank you for proving my point, Eric, because I don't know how familiar you are how many how many animals have you milked, my friend?
• 15:38
  Matt: My share.
• 15:40
  Matt: Well, okay.
• 15:41
  Matt: Me too.
• 15:41
  Matt: Uh I've milked a goat before.
• 15:43
  Matt: I haven't milked, I haven't had the pleasure of milking a cow, but I have milked a goat.
• 15:48
  Matt: And I don't know if you know this.
• 15:49
  Matt: It comes out of udders.
• 15:51
  Matt: Yeah.
• 15:52
  Matt: And they need to be squeezed in order to get the milk out.
• 15:57
  Eric: That's what I'm saying.
• 15:58
  Eric: For for it to be juice, you gotta squeeze something.
• 16:01
  Eric: You're squeezing on the teeth.
• 16:03
  Matt: If anything, it sounds like you're saying you're you're saying the juice is milk.
• 16:08
  Matt: No, that's what I'm hearing.
• 16:10
  Eric: I mean, honestly, though, honestly, the milk of the orange.
• 16:15
  Eric: I would 100% be like, yo, pass me that glass of orange milk.
• 16:20
  Eric: Yo, can I get some apple milk?
• 16:22
  Matt: To be honest, orange milk sounds pretty good.
• 16:24
  Eric: I guess orange milk sounds pretty dope.
• 16:26
  Eric: So thank you for proving my point for me.
• 16:29
  Matt: Okay.
• 16:30
  Matt: Yeah, we should stop proving each other's points in our in each other's minds anyway, and and get to an argument if there's gonna be one.
• 16:38
  Matt: And I don't know that there was, but I I don't know.
• 16:41
  Matt: I mean, sure, they're both like naturally forming, I guess.
• 16:45
  Eric: They build they build up within the the vessel, and then it has to be squeezed forth.
• 16:50
  Eric: It contains like the essence of that thing.
• 16:52
  Matt: I'll level with you here a little bit in the sense that it does feel more natural to say, like, oh, this is goat juice.
• 17:00
  Matt: I love it.
• 17:01
  Matt: Or c or cow juice than it does say to say this is banana milk or this is apple milk.
• 17:13
  Eric: I do apple milk sounds like a band.
• 17:16
  Matt: But is not the juice that comes from fruits and veggies and other things, is that not just Mother Nature's milk?
• 17:24
  Eric: I mean, good think about it.
• 17:26
  Eric: Think about it.
• 17:28
  Eric: So so mommy nature gives us milk via many avenues.
• 17:33
  Eric: Is what you're saying.
• 17:35
  Matt: I'm saying that, but also what think about it.
• 17:37
  Eric: So you're not arguing that juice isn't milk.
• 17:39
  Eric: What you're arguing or sorry, or milk isn't juice, you're arguing that juice isn't like a- That is what I'm arguing.
• 17:44
  Eric: Sorry.
• 17:44
  Eric: No, but what I'm but what you're more arguing is that juice juice is more milk than milk is juice.
• 17:50
  Matt: Well, I I can see that perspective is what I'm trying to say.
• 17:53
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 17:54
  Matt: But what what I'm really getting at is let's look at it a little bit more practically, right?
• 18:00
  Matt: You go to the kitchen and you see before you in your fridge a carton of juice and a carton of milk.
• 18:08
  Matt: But you repeat, you would not say that those were two of the same thing under any circumstances.
• 18:16
  Eric: Well, if I had a carton, uh, if I had a carton of apple juice and a carton of orange juice, I wouldn't say they are the same thing.
• 18:22
  Eric: It's apples and oranges, my man.
• 18:24
  Matt: Literally.
• 18:26
  Matt: No, you would say, Do you want some juice?
• 18:28
  Matt: I'd say yes.
• 18:29
  Matt: And then you'd say, okay, what kind?
• 18:30
  Matt: I got apple, I got orange.
• 18:32
  Eric: Well, Matt, if you're just gonna judge us over how I've been programmed by society to respond to stimuli, then where then what the fuck are we even doing?
• 18:41
  Matt: What you wouldn't say is, okay, I got apple, I got orange, or I got cow.
• 18:49
  Matt: I got 2% cow.
• 18:51
  Eric: Yeah, because society has built this box around me.
• 18:56
  Eric: I'm honestly grateful for this question.
• 18:58
  Eric: It's letting me start to see the walls of my cell a little better.
• 19:01
  Eric: You know, I'm starting to start to see the light on the wall here.
• 19:03
  Eric: I'm starting to think there might be something outside of this cave.
• 19:06
  Eric: I I I think we should advocate for cow juice.
• 19:11
  Eric: I think we should advocate.
• 19:13
  Eric: But that sounds so gross, though, doesn't it?
• 19:15
  Eric: Only because it's new.
• 19:17
  Eric: I'm sure washing your hands after, you know, before doing surgery sounded gross at first.
• 19:24
  Matt: And as someone who has milked a singular goat in their lifetime and is therefore basically a farmer, I would say.
• 19:31
  Eric: Did you hang out with the goat afterward?
• 19:34
  Matt: Yeah, I I laid back and smoked a cigarette with this goat.
• 19:38
  Eric: Was it weird for you at all?
• 19:39
  Matt: Or like did you say bye to it?
• 19:42
  Matt: Actually, there uh this was uh back this was, of course, back in my Eagle Scout days.
• 19:47
  Matt: There it is.
• 19:48
  Matt: Scree this this is this is when uh haven't had one in a minute.
• 19:54
  Matt: Oh, yeah, you um and so there was in fact a line of Boy Scouts behind me to have have their tear.
• 20:02
  Matt: This goat was working.
• 20:04
  Matt: The goat got around.
• 20:06
  Eric: Yeah.
• 20:06
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 20:07
  Matt: Um look at that goat.
• 20:09
  Matt: Goat literally could not milk itself.
• 20:11
  Matt: So that's true.
• 20:13
  Matt: That had to be done.
• 20:15
  Eric: It had to be done.
• 20:16
  Eric: It had to be done.
• 20:17
  Eric: This line of adolescent boys had to milk this goat.
• 20:21
  Eric: You have to uh cows and goats and such have to be milked.
• 20:25
  Eric: You had to juice this goat.
• 20:27
  Eric: That's true.
• 20:28
  Eric: It's true.
• 20:28
  Eric: They they'll they it's true.
• 20:29
  Eric: You have to do it.
• 20:31
  Matt: I was just gonna say, you do realize that like they like bad things happen medically if these aren't milked.
• 20:38
  Matt: Yeah.
• 20:38
  Matt: I mean, I suppose that's on humans ultimately, but still, it it is what it is.
• 20:43
  Matt: That's the score we've got right now.
• 20:45
  Matt: Okay.
• 20:46
  Matt: So what all this we've we've had all this dialogue, all this sound and fury, and where has it gotten us?
• 20:54
  Eric: So I would ag I would agree with you that juice is milk.
• 20:57
  Eric: Okay.
• 20:58
  Eric: Which, you know, ipso facto.
• 21:02
  Matt: Yeah, I thought you were gonna ipso facto this.
• 21:04
  Matt: Vis-a-vis.
• 21:06
  Matt: Yeah.
• 21:07
  Matt: Milk is juice.
• 21:10
  Matt: I'd I'd juice a cow.
• 21:14
  Matt: You know, that kind of works, doesn't it?
• 21:18
  Matt: Like I'd juice that way.
• 21:19
  Eric: Let's juice this cow.
• 21:20
  Eric: I mean, yeah.
• 21:22
  Matt: I'd milk an orange.
• 21:23
  Matt: Let's juice this cow.
• 21:24
  Matt: Let's juice this cow.
• 21:26
  Matt: You know, I know I never do this, but why don't we look up some definitions here real quick?
• 21:31
  Eric: Oh, oh fuck.
• 21:32
  Eric: I was so hoping the next words were gonna be out of your mouth were gonna be agree with me.
• 21:37
  Matt: Nah, nah, fuck no.
• 21:38
  Matt: Okay.
• 21:39
  Matt: Uh, this is from the one and only Wikipedia.
• 21:42
  Matt: We should have a sound effect for Wikipedia, the way we do, the way we often invoke its name.
• 21:47
  Matt: But anyway, milk is a white liquid food produced by the mammary glands of mammals.
• 21:54
  Matt: It is the primary source of nutrition for young mammals before they are able to digest solid food.
• 22:00
  Matt: As opposed to, of course, juice.
• 22:03
  Matt: Let's see what the definition of juice is.
• 22:06
  Matt: Dreuce.
• 22:08
  Matt: Dreu.
• 22:10
  Matt: Juice is a drink made from the extraction or pressing of the natural liquid contained in a fruit or vegetable.
• 22:20
  Matt: It can also refer to liquids that are flavored with concentrate or other biological food sources such as meat or seafood, such as clam juice.
• 22:30
  Eric: Clamato.
• 22:32
  Eric: So those are the same things.
• 22:38
  Eric: I was gonna say it leans a little toward me.
• 22:41
  Eric: It 100% does.
• 22:42
  Eric: I will say that that Wikipedia, which A, bless Wikipedia, B, Wikipedia made by society as well.
• 22:51
  Matt: You're saying the people have spoken.
• 22:53
  Eric: I say I say society.
• 22:55
  Eric: The the I would say the the Overton window is in your favor.
• 23:03
  Eric: So I win.
• 23:05
  Eric: I what I what I'm getting at is you have won the quote unquote factual war, but the cultural war I think you'll find stands with me.
• 23:18
  Eric: I'm gonna milk this juice for all it's worth.
• 23:20
  Matt: Okay.
• 23:21
  Matt: Interesting terminology.
• 23:23
  Eric: There you go.
• 23:23
  Eric: I declare cultural victory.
• 23:25
  Matt: Alright, so what I'm hearing, Eric, is that I have won the popular vote.
• 23:33
  Matt: The majority of our democracy agrees with me, but you want to take the broken, possibly corrupt version of the election, which is the electoral college, and you want to get out that way.
• 23:49
  Matt: You want to get out with the votes of a couple of of these electors who no one no one trusts.
• 24:00
  Eric: I want to I want to return to traditional juicing values.
• 24:06
  Eric: Everything is juice.
• 24:07
  Eric: I am we are sort of doubling down on on a weird we are the we are we are we are neck deep in it, Matt.
• 24:15
  Matt: I want to exit the bit for just a second.
• 24:17
  Eric: Okay, let's take the first exit off the bit highway.
• 24:19
  Matt: I just want to exit the bit for just a second to clarify once again for anyone who hasn't listened to this bleeding heart liberals here on this podcast.
• 24:28
  Matt: No election in recent memory has been rigged.
• 24:32
  Matt: The Electoral College is outdated, is possibly corrupt, and should go away.
• 24:37
  Matt: Uh but uh you know, um God damn, I love that we got here.
• 24:43
  Eric: We're issuing a a pre-apology.
• 24:45
  Matt: A pre-apology.
• 24:46
  Matt: We're making feel the letters coming over.
• 24:49
  Matt: I could feel my own my own b heart betraying me.
• 24:53
  Matt: So all that to say, milk is milk and juice is juice.
• 24:57
  Matt: Is that what we're laying on?
• 24:58
  Eric: Milk is milk is milk, juice is juice, and what what might be your milk might be my juice, and that's okay.
• 25:06
  Eric: That feels like a fucking cop out, my guy.
• 25:09
  Eric: I I call it standing against the tyranny of the majority.
• 25:13
  Eric: Okay, you know what, Eric?
• 25:14
  Eric: We are issuing a second apology again, bleeding heart liberals.
• 25:19
  Eric: Next question.
• 25:20
  Eric: No more questions.
• 25:21
  Eric: I am not taking more questions at this time.
• 25:24
  Matt: Absolutely not.
• 25:25
  Matt: This has gotten off the rails.
• 25:27
  Matt: Juice is milk, milk is juice.
• 25:29
  Matt: I'll I'll give it to you, Eric.
• 25:32
  Matt: I'll give it to you, Eric.
• 25:33
  Matt: Hell yeah.
• 25:33
  Eric: Oh man, it is like it is like politics.
• 25:35
  Eric: I just wore you down to you're like, all right, fine, fucking take it.
• 25:38
  Eric: It's inconsequential.
• 25:39
  Matt: I'll give it, I'll give it to you so we don't get ourselves.
• 25:43
  Matt: Look how weak they are on the issues.
• 25:46
  Eric: See how they flip-flop.
• 25:47
  Eric: They can't even stand by their own position.
• 25:50
  Eric: You son of a bitch.
• 25:51
  Eric: The show is really a microcosm for our country.
• 25:55
  Eric: I don't agree.
• 25:57
  Eric: Uh he hates this podcast.
• 26:02
  Eric: Jesus God.
• 26:03
  Eric: All right, we gotta move on.
• 26:05
  Eric: We gotta.
• 26:05
  Eric: We gotta.
• 26:06
  Eric: Ooh, Daddy needs to be.
• 26:07
  Matt: Eric, you want to introduce our next question?
• 26:09
  Eric: Oh, yes, I do.
• 26:10
  Eric: Uh I met this question a little bit ago before we started recording the show.
• 26:16
  Eric: Um it goes, What makes a face punchable?
• 26:21
  Eric: What makes a face punchable?
• 26:24
  Eric: What makes a face punchable?
• 26:25
  Eric: And and I'd tell you where we got it from, but I stare at the Excel sheet.
• 26:30
  Eric: Okay.
• 26:31
  Matt: It was just me.
• 26:32
  Matt: I pulled it out of my old noodle.
• 26:34
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:35
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 26:36
  Matt: As one did once upon a time.
• 26:38
  Matt: And let me ask you this, Eric.
• 26:39
  Matt: Yes, Matt.
• 26:40
  Matt: Let me ask you this.
• 26:41
  Matt: Do you have any first impressions about a punchable face?
• 26:44
  Eric: Uh, first impressions about a punchable face, I think it's honestly all in the mouth for me.
• 26:49
  Matt: Interesting.
• 26:50
  Matt: Okay.
• 26:50
  Eric: Explain.
• 26:51
  Eric: There's kind of like a punchable face.
• 26:53
  Eric: It has that, it has like that sneer, it has that like smug little smirk about it.
• 27:00
  Eric: Interesting.
• 27:01
  Eric: Do you know what I mean?
• 27:01
  Eric: Like, like let's pull a random, just completely random example, like just right off the dome, like just complete like Matt Gates.
• 27:09
  Eric: Yeah, all right.
• 27:11
  Eric: Very punchable face.
• 27:12
  Eric: I'm not and I do want to be clear to all law enforcement listening.
• 27:17
  Eric: I I'm I I'm not gonna go out and punch Matt Gates in the face.
• 27:22
  Eric: Sure.
• 27:23
  Eric: I would if given the opportunity, but I'm sure I'm not in the right tax bracket to ever have that opportunity.
• 27:30
  Matt: Uh no, probably not.
• 27:33
  Matt: That that will not fulfill your bingo card of um of having a fist fight in Congress.
• 27:41
  Eric: Yeah.
• 27:42
  Eric: Um, but yeah, for me, it's like it's like the mouth, it's like got that like fucking just a little sniveling sneer.
• 27:48
  Eric: It's like got that like like that's the voice you hear in your head, and you're like, God, I just want to write.
• 27:55
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 27:56
  Eric: How about for you?
• 27:56
  Eric: How about for you?
• 27:58
  Eric: I think it's honestly it's more in the cheeks for me, I think.
• 28:03
  Eric: In the cheeks?
• 28:04
  Eric: What kind of describe the most punchable cheeks to me, Matthew?
• 28:08
  Matt: For some reason, the and I do I I like this man, okay?
• 28:13
  Matt: Because obviously Matt Gates, terrible human, deserves to be punched.
• 28:16
  Matt: And I think that might be influencing you.
• 28:19
  Matt: But but unlike that pedophile, I want to talk about Pete Holmes, the comedian Pete Holmes.
• 28:27
  Matt: Pete Holmes.
• 28:28
  Matt: Let me look up his face.
• 28:29
  Matt: If you're not familiar with him, go ahead and give him a Google.
• 28:32
  Eric: Okay, so you're talking, oh, so you're talking about a purely punchable face because he hasn't done anything to warrant getting punched in the face, not at all.
• 28:40
  Matt: I enjoy Pete Holmes quite a bit.
• 28:41
  Eric: Very punchable face.
• 28:43
  Eric: Oh, look at him.
• 28:45
  Matt: He might even have a special called Punchable Face now that I think about it.
• 28:48
  Matt: But he has these cheeks that seem to me, if I were to lay a smackaroo on him, uh, you know, get him, yeah, give him the old fisticuffs, the one-two.
• 29:02
  Matt: The one two.
• 29:02
  Eric: I feel like I'd see a best I can tell is a gift.
• 29:06
  Eric: Look at him.
• 29:07
  Matt: Sure.
• 29:07
  Matt: I feel like I'd see a big old ripple effect, like I threw a rock into a bay across those cheeks.
• 29:15
  Matt: You know what I'm saying?
• 29:16
  Matt: It'd be a satisfying face to punch.
• 29:19
  Eric: He has the kind of face that says, well, actually.
• 29:24
  Eric: And like, I get it.
• 29:26
  Eric: And like Pete Holmes, you have nothing to fear.
• 29:28
  Eric: We're never gonna punch you in the face, Pete Holmes.
• 29:30
  Eric: No, absolutely not.
• 29:31
  Eric: Pete Holmes, we're never gonna punch you in the face.
• 29:33
  Eric: I'm sure you're a darling.
• 29:34
  Matt: Because you have a very punchable face.
• 29:37
  Matt: Because to your example, Eric, Matt Gates has like a pretty strong jawbone.
• 29:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 29:42
  Matt: You know, it feels like I could hurt myself.
• 29:45
  Matt: Whereas Pete Holmes, it looks like, oh, there's some cushion there if I were to strike.
• 29:50
  Eric: Oh, so you're speaking very much to the punchability of the face.
• 29:54
  Eric: Punchability.
• 29:55
  Eric: The punchability of the face.
• 29:56
  Eric: See, for me, a punchable face is a face that I see, and then I'm like, wow, man, like I'm not gonna, but someone should just deck you.
• 30:05
  Matt: That's because you have anger issues.
• 30:07
  Matt: But the but yeah, that's what I'm saying.
• 30:14
  Matt: When you see Matt Gates, he's awful and you want to cause him harm.
• 30:18
  Matt: That's a natural response to a pedophile.
• 30:20
  Matt: But yeah, but Pete Holmes is a is a a good guy, I think as far as we know, public persona.
• 30:32
  Matt: And you know, he's very I think the other thing is his you don't know this, I guess, because you're not familiar with him, but his comedy, his his onstage persona, like he's always got this big dopey smile because he's got he's got a nice big mouth, so he's got a good one for it.
• 30:50
  Matt: And you know, I I'd recommend watching him because he is quite quiet, Fauna, but it just seems like you're smiling too much.
• 30:59
  Matt: You know what I mean?
• 31:00
  Eric: And I'd just like to wipe that smile from your face.
• 31:03
  Eric: How see that's what I'm getting at, man.
• 31:05
  Eric: It's in the it's all in the mouth.
• 31:07
  Eric: The mouth is like the start of the punchability.
• 31:10
  Matt: I do think it is centered in the mouth because that's where you're gonna land the punch, because nobody's aiming for the you know the crown.
• 31:18
  Matt: No, no, yeah.
• 31:20
  Matt: But you're you are a fighter, you are a martial artist.
• 31:24
  Matt: I so tell me, Eric, you once taught in college, you taught me how to s how to land a good punch.
• 31:29
  Matt: I did.
• 31:30
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:30
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:31
  Matt: And I had And the only one I had to use against was you, ironically.
• 31:34
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 31:36
  Matt: Wait, when did you punch me in the face?
• 31:38
  Matt: I was supposed to say a good punch.
• 31:41
  Matt: We never came to blows.
• 31:42
  Matt: Thank God.
• 31:43
  Matt: Yet.
• 31:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:44
  Matt: Yet the day is coming.
• 31:49
  Eric: Um so so so so the cheek mouth area is that is the that's the that's the punchable zone.
• 31:57
  Eric: That's that's where it all comes from.
• 31:58
  Eric: I think so, but again, you are the martial artiste, so you tell me.
• 32:03
  Eric: Honestly, like, real talk, this is a pro tip for me to you kids.
• 32:07
  Eric: Punching someone in the face is usually, you know, it might be satisfying, but like all my all my fucking teachers when I was doing martial arts, they hated punching because they were like, man, that's how you break your fucking knuckles.
• 32:16
  Eric: They're like, I'm just gonna, they're like, they just used palms and shit.
• 32:19
  Matt: They gotta lead with the two knuckles, right?
• 32:21
  Matt: That's what you tell them.
• 32:22
  Eric: Oh, yeah, no.
• 32:22
  Eric: It's the first two.
• 32:23
  Eric: Oh, that that is okay, kids.
• 32:24
  Eric: Welcome to welcome to welcome to Papa Poach's uh how to how to punch a punchable face workshop.
• 32:30
  Eric: So, kids, here's what you're gonna do.
• 32:31
  Eric: You're gonna hold up your hand.
• 32:32
  Eric: If you're driving, make sure the other one's on the wheel.
• 32:34
  Eric: Uh, but but yeah, do this while you're driving.
• 32:36
  Eric: Make a peace sign.
• 32:37
  Eric: Don't do that.
• 32:38
  Eric: Ironically enough, make a peace sign.
• 32:40
  Eric: Those two knuckles, the peace sign knuckles, those are the ones you want to collide with someone's face because they have a whole bone running up your forearm that supports them.
• 32:49
  Eric: If you hit someone with the the knuckles of your ring and pinky finger, you're gonna break your hand, and that's that's not very fun.
• 32:56
  Eric: Um absolutely not.
• 32:57
  Matt: So also you could avoid all this, of course, by not punching anyone, which is our extra.
• 33:03
  Eric: Which is really good, yeah.
• 33:03
  Eric: That is our official stance.
• 33:05
  Eric: Let's let's not throw it's year 2023.
• 33:08
  Eric: This is the year we we don't punch.
• 33:10
  Eric: You know what, Matt?
• 33:11
  Eric: I you know what?
• 33:12
  Eric: That's my resolution for 2023.
• 33:14
  Eric: I'm gonna I am gonna swear off punching people in the face.
• 33:17
  Matt: I can't wait for June when I'm bailing you out because you've punched someone in the face, and then we have to podcast about it.
• 33:25
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 33:26
  Matt: Because everything we do in this life, Eric, from here on out is about the content.
• 33:30
  Matt: Now, uh yes, we're not advocating for violence.
• 33:33
  Eric: No, God, no.
• 33:34
  Eric: But like some people just objectively have a punchable face.
• 33:39
  Matt: And I think we've come to it from two different angles, and both I think could be valid.
• 33:44
  Matt: You have come to it from a person's deeds.
• 33:47
  Eric: Yes, a person's actions, their airs and their their personality and their actions.
• 33:53
  Matt: All that baggage has led you to want to punch this person.
• 33:59
  Matt: It would theoretically would feel good.
• 34:02
  Matt: Whereas I'm saying there's some faces that you just wanna fucking.
• 34:07
  Eric: I wonder if that's an evolution thing.
• 34:10
  Eric: How so?
• 34:11
  Eric: Like certain because our brains have evolved to recognize patterns.
• 34:15
  Eric: Pattern recognition is one of the things that like keeps us alive.
• 34:18
  Eric: We see certain things, they trigger certain responses, yada yada yada.
• 34:22
  Eric: Some faces, Matthew.
• 34:24
  Eric: There's an arrangement of facial parts that just makes us want to punch them.
• 34:29
  Eric: Now, I wonder if this is like an like the uh so I don't know if you're aware of this.
• 34:33
  Eric: Someone who naturally smells good to you, like biologically, like they're their smell like, and I don't mean to be crass, turns you on.
• 34:43
  Eric: Oh generally, that means they have like a much more different, you know, immune system than you, or means your like your immune systems are like Where are you pulling these facts from?
• 34:52
  Eric: Oh baby, right off the dome.
• 34:54
  Eric: Oh, all right.
• 34:54
  Eric: But like I this is one of those, you're just gonna have to trust me.
• 34:57
  Eric: I'm not gonna Google it.
• 34:58
  Eric: But I remember like like the pheromones Isn't that just the way?
• 35:02
  Eric: It is, but like with pheromones and stuff, generally, if someone smells very, very good to you, that means your your biological systems, your immune systems, your whatnot will play together very nicely when you get down to make sex and have baby.
• 35:15
  Eric: Like that's like an evolutionary, it's how you like smell out a good that that has benefited us as a species.
• 35:23
  Eric: I wonder if it's the opposite.
• 35:25
  Eric: Where if you when you see a punchable face, that is evolution's way of saying, Oh, oh, you see those cheekbones, you see that mouth?
• 35:32
  Eric: No, no.
• 35:34
  Matt: So you're saying there's not a universally punchable face.
• 35:38
  Matt: No, I think it's gonna be different to yes, unique to each person.
• 35:42
  Matt: 100%.
• 35:43
  Matt: And so for you then, physically, not not based on actions and and ideology, what kind of face would you do?
• 35:53
  Matt: I would not have a child with Matt Gates.
• 35:55
  Matt: What were you saying?
• 35:56
  Matt: Nobody asked you that question.
• 35:59
  Matt: Nobody.
• 35:59
  Eric: So that's gonna be very clear that I am not having Matt Gates babies.
• 36:04
  Matt: I appreciate that, and I would recommend nobody else.
• 36:06
  Eric: Pete Holmes that either.
• 36:07
  Eric: I'd have Pete Holmes babies, even though I'd punch, I'd have his babies.
• 36:10
  Eric: 100%.
• 36:12
  Matt: But let me ask you, Eric, what what kind what kind of face would you be like, I gotta punch it?
• 36:18
  Eric: Well, like we're all beautiful.
• 36:20
  Eric: Like everyone's beautiful in their own way.
• 36:23
  Eric: Eric, cut the shit.
• 36:25
  Eric: Who would you punch?
• 36:26
  Eric: I would fucking punch.
• 36:28
  Matt: Uh I'm I'm are you asking for a specific person or like no no no I'm saying I'm asking, I am asking to switch gears because you said, oh, Matt Gates, because and he's horrible, right?
• 36:40
  Matt: That's it's like a Nazis, right?
• 36:42
  Matt: Yeah, all Nazis have punchable faces.
• 36:45
  Matt: And actually, I'm gonna just roll back, just a little rollback of what I said about the advocating violence.
• 36:50
  Matt: You can go ahead and punch a Nazi.
• 36:52
  Eric: I'm fine with you punching a Nazi.
• 36:53
  Eric: No, we're very pro-punching Nazis.
• 36:55
  Eric: Very pro-punching Nazis.
• 36:56
  Eric: I have not but by the way, also worth worth mentioning, I have not punched a human being in the face since the sixth grade.
• 37:04
  Eric: Just to throw that out there.
• 37:05
  Eric: So I'm due.
• 37:09
  Eric: I've earned if you go enough years without punching someone in the face, the the United States government sends you a certificate good for one face punching, anyone you choose.
• 37:16
  Eric: It's a world-known perk.
• 37:18
  Matt: So so, but what I'm saying is I mentioned the cheeks, I mentioned the zone, the mouth, the smile.
• 37:25
  Matt: I'm asking you to adapt to that mindset and tell me what kind of features you want to put.
• 37:32
  Eric: If they have mu and I I swear to God, I'm not just gonna keep falling back on Matt Gates, but the I I'll tell you what specifically about Matt's gate, Matt Gates' face makes it so punchable.
• 37:42
  Eric: Because not just the fact that he's Matt Gates.
• 37:45
  Eric: Like, there are plenty of beautiful, handsome bastards in Congress.
• 37:49
  Eric: They're sons of bitches, and I hope you know, I hope they all go to jail, but like they can still be good looking.
• 37:55
  Eric: Matt Gates has this very ratty, like it's his upper teeth.
• 38:00
  Eric: He has this like rat-like, it's the upper teeth.
• 38:03
  Eric: I just want to cave them in with my knuckles.
• 38:06
  Matt: Like they and this this truly, you've you have you have kind of landed on something.
• 38:11
  Matt: He does have sharp features to a certain extent, like I mentioned.
• 38:15
  Matt: But all of that adds up, and I feel this is objective.
• 38:19
  Matt: I feel even Republicans can agree with this.
• 38:22
  Matt: He looks like a villain.
• 38:23
  Eric: He looks like a he looks like the douchebag, he looks like the villain of an 80s skiing movie.
• 38:29
  Matt: Yeah, yes.
• 38:31
  Matt: Yes, he he looks like he'd be the bad guy in an Adam Sam.
• 38:35
  Eric: Like, I am waiting for him to show up in like a turtleneck, like, or like a polo with the white sweater tied around his neck.
• 38:43
  Matt: You know who he kind of looks like?
• 38:45
  Matt: I'm just realizing, actually, you know what?
• 38:47
  Matt: I think this is subconsciously in my brain, because somebody already made this uh uh this correlation with uh fucking George Santos hanging around him.
• 38:56
  Matt: He looks like Gaston.
• 38:58
  Eric: He look like he he's got big Gaston energy.
• 39:01
  Matt: He's got big Gaston energy, and when George Santos is around him, he looks like uh Gofu?
• 39:08
  Matt: Is that his name?
• 39:09
  Matt: Lafu.
• 39:10
  Matt: Lafu.
• 39:12
  Matt: Yeah.
• 39:13
  Matt: Yeah, they do have that sort of energy.
• 39:16
  Matt: Yeah, but he's a villain, yes.
• 39:18
  Matt: Yeah, and I think he does that because his his eyes aren't smiling, they're cackling.
• 39:24
  Eric: Yes, he is very he his eyes have a sneer about them.
• 39:28
  Matt: There's something nefarious about him.
• 39:31
  Matt: Of course, we know what it is.
• 39:32
  Matt: It might be the human trafficking, but yes, we know what it is.
• 39:36
  Matt: But I'm saying when there is a to put it more universal, and not just Matt Gates, when you look upon something and you see something a little nefarious about him, like something just seems like they're up to something.
• 39:48
  Matt: Yeah, that's punchable.
• 39:50
  Eric: Yeah, that's got those eyes.
• 39:52
  Eric: He's got those very punchable eyes.
• 39:54
  Eric: Punch him in the eye.
• 39:55
  Eric: Kids, make your new year's I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna walk back our previous resolution.
• 40:01
  Eric: This year, everyone, you have my permission.
• 40:04
  Eric: Everyone get a punch in on Matt Gates.
• 40:06
  Eric: Punch Matt Gates.
• 40:07
  Eric: Punch Matt Gates.
• 40:08
  Eric: What are they gonna do?
• 40:09
  Eric: What are they gonna do with Matt Gates?
• 40:11
  Eric: You can't arrest all of us.
• 40:13
  Matt: No.
• 40:13
  Matt: I mean, first of all, we haven't done anything.
• 40:16
  Matt: No, yeah.
• 40:22
  Matt: Against anyone who isn't Matt Gates.
• 40:24
  Eric: But hypothetically speaking, go out there and punch Matt Gates.
• 40:27
  Eric: Hypothetically speaking, oh, we can get away with anything if we preface it with hypothetically speaking.
• 40:32
  Eric: Hypothetically speaking, punch Matt Gates in the face.
• 40:35
  Matt: Hypothetically speaking, wait for him outside the Capitol building and say, Good sir, I I challenge you to fisticuffs.
• 40:43
  Eric: And just deck him.
• 40:44
  Eric: While he's trying to figure out what fisticuffs means, deck him.
• 40:48
  Matt: And you could even say challenge him to a duel, because I guarantee you he will not respond with my friend, I won the duel of the wits a long time ago.
• 40:58
  Eric: Oh yeah, no, this ain't a dream, Matt.
• 40:59
  Eric: You're getting punched.
• 41:01
  Eric: That was the Matt Gates, not you.
• 41:02
  Eric: Not Matt, not Matt Shea, my good friend.
• 41:05
  Eric: You know what, Matt?
• 41:05
  Eric: I'm gonna tell you this right now, just gonna reassure you.
• 41:07
  Eric: There's no part of your face that I would consider punchable.
• 41:10
  Matt: Oh, and you know what, Eric, truly?
• 41:13
  Matt: Oh, this it normally in a bit, this would be where I tell you that you have a punchable face.
• 41:18
  Matt: You don't.
• 41:19
  Matt: You don't have a punchable face, I don't think.
• 41:22
  Matt: I don't think so.
• 41:23
  Matt: Oh it's too high.
• 41:25
  Matt: It's it's too far up there.
• 41:27
  Eric: No, I gotta go low.
• 41:28
  Eric: It's gotta be belly shots.
• 41:29
  Eric: You gotta go for belly, you gotta go for the groin, you gotta go for the knees.
• 41:32
  Eric: Yes, absolutely.
• 41:33
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 41:34
  Eric: If I take it down those knees.
• 41:35
  Eric: When I was still teaching kids martial arts, that's what like one of the dads would yell at it was like, go for the knees.
• 41:40
  Eric: Like when I was sparring play sparring with the kids.
• 41:43
  Matt: And for you, it's not even a sweep of the knees.
• 41:46
  Matt: I I I kind of have to hug them, you know, like pull them.
• 41:49
  Matt: You gotta felmy like a red wood.
• 41:51
  Matt: And down you'll go.
• 41:54
  Matt: And down you'll go.
• 41:55
  Matt: I will say this is true.
• 41:57
  Matt: When we saw each other uh for the first time in in uh over three years, the first thing I said to you was, I feel like you somehow got taller.
• 42:10
  Eric: Did we answer the question?
• 42:11
  Eric: Oh, yeah, we did.
• 42:12
  Eric: In a way.
• 42:13
  Matt: Well, we're gonna move on one way or the other.
• 42:15
  Matt: So, our final question for the day.
• 42:17
  Matt: Uh, this comes from uh this is well, this was found on Reddit uh by the user Agni.
• 42:25
  Matt: So thank you, Agni.
• 42:27
  Matt: You'll never know this happened, probably.
• 42:29
  Matt: Which armrest is yours at a movie theater?
• 42:32
  Eric: Ooh, okay.
• 42:35
  Eric: I need information.
• 42:37
  Eric: How in our in our in our in our scenario, how many people are at play?
• 42:42
  Eric: Two, three?
• 42:43
  Matt: Now, Eric, this is interesting to me because I will be honest with you.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:48
  Matt: Now I have not, I I will admit, I have not been back to a movie theater since the pandemic took hold.
• 42:55
  Matt: It's a it's a fact that saddens me greatly.
• 42:58
  Matt: It's not one of those places I mentioned to go to.
• 43:00
  Matt: They were already dirty to begin with.
• 43:03
  Matt: But I do love being at the movies.
• 43:06
  Matt: It's something I it's an intrinsic part of my being.
• 43:11
  Matt: And so the fact that I I haven't been since December of 2019.
• 43:16
  Matt: I think the last thing I saw was Joker, actually.
• 43:19
  Matt: No, it was Star Wars.
• 43:20
  Matt: It was Rise of Skywalker.
• 43:22
  Matt: That was the last thing I saw.
• 43:24
  Matt: But I have not been in a movie theater that didn't have the lazy boy seating in probably close to a decade, if I'm being honest with you.
• 43:39
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 43:40
  Eric: Oh no.
• 43:40
  Eric: I my I my ass has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
• 43:49
  Matt: Is it is it is that true of you as well?
• 43:51
  Matt: Do you I mean, uh have you been to the the the classic movie theater where you do share share yourself?
• 44:00
  Matt: Some uh armrests.
• 44:02
  Eric: Matthew, um, I am a believing heart liberal.
• 44:06
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 44:06
  Eric: But I'm not a fucking peasant.
• 44:08
  Eric: No.
• 44:08
  Eric: I I I my I I God, I never went back.
• 44:15
  Eric: Once I once my ass experienced the the D-box seating, the fucking armchairs.
• 44:24
  Matt: And I and the first time you sat in one.
• 44:28
  Matt: The first time I sat in one was probably around 2011, 2012, something like that.
• 44:33
  Matt: And it was like a novelty.
• 44:35
  Matt: Like, look at this one theater that has these things.
• 44:39
  Matt: I feel like they're commonplace now.
• 44:42
  Eric: We are we are spoiled.
• 44:44
  Eric: We are we are we have become decadent.
• 44:47
  Matt: For the and again, I don't want to be derogatory, so I'll say Riffraff, who are in the ground lengths, the the untouchables, who are using the trash.
• 45:01
  Matt: Yes, the forbidden folk.
• 45:03
  Matt: They are you you know, they're sitting in this row, and there are these armrests.
• 45:11
  Matt: And so you would think on the ends, it's easy, right?
• 45:15
  Matt: It's easy to figure out.
• 45:16
  Matt: The one on the end is yours because it can be no one else's.
• 45:21
  Eric: But if somebody is sitting next to you, they get they get your they get your inner armrest.
• 45:27
  Matt: They get your inner armrest.
• 45:28
  Matt: That is correct.
• 45:29
  Matt: But I do think there are rows in a traditional movie theater arrangement where the like middleest seat has a problem because those two things that they do there's not enough seats and it runs up against each other.
• 45:44
  Eric: They're left with nothing.
• 45:46
  Eric: And this is the problem with capitalism, Matt.
• 45:49
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 45:50
  Eric: In order for the system to function, someone has to go without.
• 45:54
  Eric: There has to be losers in the system.
• 45:57
  Eric: Fuck that.
• 45:58
  Eric: I see, that's what I was like.
• 46:00
  Eric: We have reached this post-scarcity movie theater society where we each have our own little like we're just short of getting rid of the big screen altogether, and we're just in a bunch of little pods with our own individual screen.
• 46:14
  Eric: That's pretty much what being at home is.
• 46:17
  Eric: That's what our phone, yes.
• 46:19
  Eric: But we all have to go to the same building, and we just have to sit there and we were like, why do we do this?
• 46:23
  Matt: No, and that, and I again, I know, I know I'm not most people at this point, and most people have gone back to the movies and seen their avatars.
• 46:31
  Matt: And I'll just say this Lindsay and I are probably gonna make a good run at seeing all the best picture nominees that just came out ahead of the Oscars.
• 46:40
  Eric: You st you still need to see fucking every everything.
• 46:43
  Matt: So I'm gonna see that.
• 46:44
  Matt: I'm gonna see all the others, but I'll tell you this right now, and this is just a strong stance from me.
• 46:48
  Eric: Oh, take it, baby.
• 46:50
  Matt: I am not going back to the theater for the first time for James Cameron's Avatar to the Way of Water.
• 46:58
  Matt: I'm not doing it.
• 46:59
  Matt: No.
• 47:00
  Matt: I'm not doing it.
• 47:01
  Matt: I'll watch it when it gets on home video.
• 47:03
  Matt: But the I'll go for Gourney Weaves, but I won't go for anything else.
• 47:07
  Matt: I say this with with no embarrassment.
• 47:11
  Matt: That remains to be seen.
• 47:12
  Matt: In 2008, I believe, when this film came out, when Avatar came out, I remember going to see it.
• 47:19
  Matt: I put on those 3D glasses and I was like, oh, this is a fun movie.
• 47:23
  Matt: And then, ooh, ah, this was fun.
• 47:25
  Matt: This was a good time.
• 47:26
  Matt: Look at Stephen Lang fucking everybody's day up.
• 47:29
  Matt: God bless you, Stephen Lang.
• 47:31
  Matt: And then I came out of movie theater and people were like, Isn't it the greatest film ever made?
• 47:37
  Matt: And I went, oh no, I have to hate this fern gully ripoff now.
• 47:42
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 47:44
  Matt: Now in fairness, what I have heard is that Avatar 2, even the plot is good, which was not the case with Avatar.
• 47:54
  Matt: Wild.
• 47:56
  Matt: Avatar, technological, Marvel, advanced cinema, innovative, innovative, all that stuff is true.
• 48:04
  Eric: But be careful with that plot.
• 48:06
  Eric: It's an antique.
• 48:07
  Matt: The plot is not great.
• 48:09
  Matt: Now I hear Avatar 2, Way of Water, is is all around very good.
• 48:14
  Matt: So I look forward to seeing it.
• 48:15
  Matt: But I'm sorry, Jim, I'm not going back to the cinema for you specifically, because you're kind of an asshole.
• 48:24
  Matt: Unless you're listening to this podcast and are looking for someone like me in which case James Cameron.
• 48:31
  Eric: Can we just take a moment, in case he's listening, to appreciate James Cameron?
• 48:34
  Eric: James Cameron.
• 48:35
  Eric: Like the innovative, like savior of the cinema, I want to say.
• 48:39
  Eric: He could have yeah, and that that's why, and that's why, you know, Matt, I'll say it.
• 48:44
  Eric: There are movies, but then there are films.
• 48:47
  Eric: And Avatar, directed by brilliant director, writer, singer, songmaker James Cameron, he made a film.
• 48:55
  Matt: He made a film.
• 48:56
  Matt: You know what's interesting is James Cameron like vehemently defends that there is no way that both Jack and Rose could have fit on the door.
• 49:06
  Eric: He like vehemently Welcome back to my fuck James Cameron podcast.
• 49:10
  Eric: I'm Eric Poach.
• 49:11
  Eric: He's Matt Shea.
• 49:12
  Eric: Fuck James Cameron.
• 49:14
  Matt: So what we're saying is armrests.
• 49:16
  Eric: Armrests, fuck.
• 49:18
  Eric: Yeah.
• 49:18
  Eric: Okay.
• 49:18
  Matt: We yeah, we really went down a rabbit hole.
• 49:20
  Matt: I I thought we both needed a crawl.
• 49:22
  Eric: I'm we're in the minds of Moria.
• 49:24
  Eric: I'm looking around at this this bit, and I'm just like, I have no memory of this place.
• 49:29
  Eric: Yes.
• 49:30
  Eric: Uh so arm, so yeah, someone had if you were in the middle, middlemost seat in the row, you're kind of fucked.
• 49:37
  Matt: Yeah, let's okay, let's play in a situation.
• 49:39
  Matt: We need some parameters because obviously you're sitting in an armchair, no, no problem.
• 49:44
  Matt: If you're sitting in a row by yourself, both those armrests are yours, legally.
• 49:49
  Eric: Yeah.
• 49:50
  Eric: But let's say, Matt, let me hit you with this hypothetical.
• 49:52
  Eric: Can I hit you with a hypothetical?
• 49:53
  Eric: Hit me, baby, one more time.
• 49:55
  Eric: You're on a date.
• 49:56
  Eric: All right, there I am.
• 49:57
  Eric: You're on a date.
• 49:58
  Eric: And there's gonna be the hypothetical, and then there we're gonna increase the difficulty.
• 50:01
  Eric: But the hypothetical is you're on a date, there's just two of you, you have the whole theater to yourself.
• 50:05
  Eric: Oh.
• 50:06
  Eric: Well, well, just to keep things PG, there's exactly one other person, but they're sitting in the row in front of you.
• 50:12
  Matt: Oh, no, still no problem.
• 50:14
  Eric: You're you're damn, Matt.
• 50:17
  Eric: Damn.
• 50:18
  Matt: As you were with your hypothetical.
• 50:20
  Matt: Let me twirl my whiskey around.
• 50:22
  Eric: Yeah, Matt's grabbing life by the head and squeezing.
• 50:25
  Matt: In that case, that that armrest's already gonna be lifted up, but go ahead, continue.
• 50:31
  Eric: And a further hypothetical layer, you can't lift the armrest.
• 50:35
  Eric: I used to that was that was the metric by which I j man, our standards used to be so low.
• 50:40
  Eric: Because I remember back in the day before we had the kick-ass seats, we just had the normal urchin seats that the that that the filthy riff raft.
• 50:48
  Eric: Yes.
• 50:49
  Eric: Yeah, I would judge a movie theater solely on whether or not the armrests could be moved up or down.
• 50:55
  Eric: Man, how much if they could be moved up?
• 50:58
  Matt: Mecca.
• 50:58
  Matt: How much making out did you do during a fucking movie in high school?
• 51:01
  Matt: God damn.
• 51:02
  Matt: Gentlemen never kisses a tail.
• 51:05
  Eric: But suffice to say, well, when you're tall enough, it doesn't matter.
• 51:08
  Eric: I just reach out.
• 51:09
  Eric: I'll I'll break my spine for them for them kisses.
• 51:11
  Eric: Yeah, how does it even work for you?
• 51:13
  Eric: You gotta slouch down.
• 51:14
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 51:15
  Eric: It's it's a whole that'll be that'll be the topic of an entire episode one day.
• 51:19
  Eric: Is like, how do you how do I exist?
• 51:21
  Eric: Yeah, your your spine had to be in a C to get to get down to makeout level.
• 51:27
  Eric: Had had past tense.
• 51:29
  Eric: Oh man.
• 51:30
  Matt: Um No, you can't do it now.
• 51:31
  Matt: They gotta come to you, they gotta climb that tree.
• 51:34
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I gotta I got a podcast with dozens of downloads.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_00: I you gotta come to me, baby.
• 51:43
  Eric: Hey, come on, we got more than dozens.
• 51:45
  Eric: We do, thanks to listeners like you.
• 51:47
  Eric: Thanks to listeners like you.
• 51:49
  Eric: Man, we've had whiskey.
• 51:51
  Eric: Um that all to say.
• 51:53
  Eric: I used to judge a theater based solely on whether the armrest could go up or down.
• 51:57
  Eric: Now I'm like, all right, what is the pitch and yaw of the reclination I can make when I use your your do oh how tall, how far off the ground does the seat take me before it puts me in the cockpit of an X-wing?
• 52:12
  Eric: Like, I like god damn, we are so we are decadent creatures.
• 52:17
  Matt: Since we became elevated people, the world has changed for us.
• 52:22
  Matt: But again, I'm gonna I'm gonna bring you back down to actual uh uh situation that the uh hard as well.
• 52:30
  Eric: Oh fuck, yeah.
• 52:30
  Eric: I started the whole hypothetical and then I never actually got it.
• 52:33
  Eric: Go ahead.
• 52:34
  Matt: If you want to get back to it, you can.
• 52:35
  Eric: Yeah, you're on a date, you're you're in normal ass, basic ass, like little orphan annie movie theater scene.
• 52:44
  Eric: Interesting, okay.
• 52:45
  Eric: You cannot adjust the armor.
• 52:46
  Eric: Okay.
• 52:47
  Eric: The armrests are fixed, they're cemented in place.
• 52:49
  Eric: They are not going anywhere.
• 52:51
  Eric: You and your date are sitting next to each other.
• 52:53
  Eric: Who gets that middle armrest?
• 52:55
  Matt: She does.
• 52:56
  Eric: Uh 100%.
• 52:57
  Eric: Like if you're like because I'm a gender.
• 53:00
  Eric: And I would, you know what, I'll extend this beyond like any, just so we can get past any perceived gender constructs.
• 53:08
  Eric: I feel like whoever the first to realize, you're on a date, yeah.
• 53:13
  Matt: Gender, gender be damned.
• 53:15
  Matt: Your your the chivalrous thing is to let your date of the middle armor.
• 53:19
  Eric: So that that's what I would say.
• 53:21
  Eric: I'm like, if you're the person who's like, I'm taking them to a movie, you give them the armrest.
• 53:25
  Eric: If you're the one being taken to the movie, take that fucking armrest.
• 53:29
  Eric: Take what's yours.
• 53:31
  Eric: Take what is yours.
• 53:33
  Eric: You have earned what's yours.
• 53:36
  Eric: And in a vacuum, let's say this is perfectly platonic friend movie time, and you're you just happen to be the only two in the theater.
• 53:43
  Eric: I feel like whoever realizes first that the armrest will be a thing, they're the ones who say, Oh, you take it.
• 53:50
  Eric: Oh, interesting.
• 53:51
  Eric: The social responsibility is on you at that point.
• 53:54
  Matt: And this is, of course, again, the given circumstance here is that this is a movie theater that doesn't have double armrests.
• 54:03
  Matt: Because my movie theater growing up had the double armrests.
• 54:07
  Matt: Like one would be fucking nice.
• 54:10
  Matt: Let me tell you something.
• 54:11
  Matt: This is not a fucking joke, what I'm about to say to you.
• 54:14
  Matt: Those seats were Mercedes-Benz seats.
• 54:17
  Matt: I that is not a joke.
• 54:19
  Matt: That goes, you can go to Penn Cinema in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and see for yourself.
• 54:24
  Eric: Oh, I'm sure it's nice as shit.
• 54:26
  Eric: It is.
• 54:27
  Eric: Fucking growing up, I grew up in Glen Burney.
• 54:29
  Eric: We had two movie theaters.
• 54:30
  Eric: One was at Marley Station Mall, where there are they finally closed down because the mice problem got bad enough.
• 54:37
  Eric: Yeah.
• 54:38
  Matt: And then there were can't enjoy the cinema now.
• 54:42
  Eric: No, but those seats were hot garbage.
• 54:46
  Eric: I bet.
• 54:47
  Eric: The other movie theater was Jumpers Hole, which if you've ever been to Jumpers Hole.
• 54:51
  Eric: Jumpers Hole?
• 54:52
  Eric: Jumpers Hole Road.
• 54:53
  Eric: We just called it Jumpers.
• 54:54
  Eric: I'm sure it had an actual name.
• 54:56
  Eric: This place slapped, though.
• 54:57
  Eric: Seats, garbage.
• 54:58
  Eric: Screen, low quality.
• 55:00
  Eric: But here's the thing, Matt.
• 55:01
  Eric: The movies, a dollar fifty.
• 55:04
  Eric: All right.
• 55:04
  Eric: Well that they were the listen, a double.
• 55:12
  Eric: Oh, bro, bro, we're not even done yet.
• 55:14
  Eric: So, like, they did that thing where like they would just get all the movies, like, like once the movie had left all the mainstream theaters, that's when jumpers would have it.
• 55:24
  Eric: I like because it was cheap for them to acquire then.
• 55:27
  Eric: So they like buck 50 movies, they pass the savings right on to you.
• 55:32
  Eric: Bro, let me hit you with this.
• 55:34
  Eric: Bring your own bag for popcorn.
• 55:37
  Eric: Fuck.
• 55:38
  Eric: You go to jumpers, you bring a garbage bag, they will fill it with popcorn.
• 55:44
  Matt: I mean, there's something appealing about that, but also I'm sort of like when I go to the movies and I'm overpaying for all that food anyway, you better give me all that shit.
• 55:54
  Matt: You better give me a bag.
• 55:55
  Eric: Yeah, jumpers fucking ruled.
• 55:58
  Eric: The quality of everything, like the the the quality of the seats and the screens, garbage.
• 56:03
  Eric: The qu the spirit of the place, amazing.
• 56:06
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 56:07
  Eric: That was someone who's like, I don't want to charge an American citizen more than two dollars to see a movie.
• 56:13
  Eric: Oh, they want a fuck ton of popcorn, they want a fuck off amount of popcorn.
• 56:16
  Eric: Give me that trash bag, I'm gonna fill it.
• 56:18
  Matt: I want to fuck well.
• 56:19
  Matt: Let me ask you this.
• 56:20
  Matt: Uh uh, this is away from the question, but I'm a fuck ton amount of popcorn kind of guy when it goes to the movie.
• 56:26
  Matt: Even if I'm full, oh yeah, I feel like it's my duty to have a popcorn.
• 56:29
  Eric: If I'm by myself, I'm getting a large.
• 56:31
  Matt: The key is like I need to be by the fistful with that popcorn.
• 56:35
  Matt: Because some something I struggle with is I try to, in my age and wisdom, I have tried to pace myself to try to try to not have much, if if any popcorn while the previews while the trailers are happening.
• 56:51
  Eric: Yeah, because what happens is I'll be happy every time.
• 56:54
  Matt: Yeah, oh yeah, every fucking time.
• 56:56
  Matt: And let me tell you something else.
• 56:57
  Matt: One toxic trait that I can't get over is somebody who doesn't think the previews are part of the movie.
• 57:06
  Matt: Oh, fuck that.
• 57:07
  Matt: If I miss if I miss a single fucking second of a preview, tainted the movie.
• 57:15
  Matt: The entire experience is ruined.
• 57:17
  Matt: Not tainted, ruined.
• 57:20
  Matt: Lindsay will tell you, I get super anxious about this.
• 57:23
  Matt: And I have seen movies with someone who frequently refers to the previews as that crap before the movie.
• 57:32
  Matt: What's what I'm saying?
• 57:34
  Matt: That's what I'm saying.
• 57:36
  Matt: Welcome to the podcast of the scene.
• 57:38
  Eric: Fucking are we ancient Rome?
• 57:41
  Eric: Because that took some gall.
• 57:45
  Matt: No, and so like Fucking Christ.
• 57:48
  Matt: So seeing movies with this person really took an adjustment because he's like, Oh, we can get there two minutes before the start time.
• 57:55
  Matt: And I'm like, my nightmare.
• 57:57
  Matt: Not baby airport rules.
• 57:59
  Matt: We're there minimum half an hour early.
• 58:01
  Matt: I gotta get my snacks, I gotta get settled, I gotta get mentally prepared to be around the public.
• 58:08
  Matt: This, these, these things take time.
• 58:11
  Eric: You've gotta have you've gotta have the pre-trailers banter where you're all just sitting in the movie quietly bantering, maybe talking shit about people in front of you.
• 58:21
  Eric: Absolutely talking shit about you.
• 58:23
  Matt: And then the it the whatever these AMC trivia things are that are popping up, you gotta play those games and make fun of them and shit.
• 58:31
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 58:32
  Matt: And there are we've all seen movies where the best part of the movie was the previews.
• 58:37
  Eric: Oh, it is sorry, we can just say it now, Matt.
• 58:39
  Eric: It's 2023.
• 58:40
  Eric: The previews are the best part of the movie.
• 58:43
  Eric: Like, that is the best part of the movie going into it.
• 58:52
  Eric: Look, I'll say this.
• 58:53
  Eric: If I go to a movie, if I have to leave in the middle of the movie for some reason, like suddenly, like, oh, you gotta get out of here.
• 58:59
  Eric: Like, so I'll, you know, I'll be I'll be a little disappointed, but you know, I can always come back and see it again.
• 59:04
  Eric: If I miss the previews, yeah, my day is ruined.
• 59:08
  Eric: It's ruined.
• 59:10
  Eric: It is ruined.
• 59:11
  Matt: God forbid I come in in the middle of a preview.
• 59:14
  Matt: So armrests.
• 59:16
  Matt: So armrests.
• 59:18
  Matt: This is why we don't have alcohol during this show on a normal.
• 59:21
  Eric: Here, I can I can sum it up perfectly.
• 59:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you can, can you?
• 59:25
  Matt: Allow me to pour me some more while you think it over.
• 59:28
  Eric: Oh, yeah, I'll fuck it.
• 59:29
  Eric: It's such a good summary.
• 59:30
  Eric: I'll say it while I'm pouring.
• 59:31
  Eric: Sum it up, baby.
• 59:34
  Eric: So, if you are if you are in a romantic situation and you took them to the movie, give them the fucking armrest.
• 59:42
  Eric: Be a good host.
• 59:43
  Eric: If it's a friendship situation, the moment you have the thought, who gets the armrest, they do because you're a good friend.
• 59:51
  Matt: There you go.
• 59:52
  Matt: There you go.
• 59:53
  Matt: Cheers to that.
• 59:53
  Matt: And let me ask you something, Eric.
• 59:55
  Matt: And if you sit in the middle, you're fucked.
• 59:56
  Matt: Let me ask you something, Eric.
• 59:58
  Matt: Now, you have been in the dating pool more recently than I.
• 1:00:03
  Matt: But I have.
• 1:00:04
  Matt: Well, what so this this question, I don't, I don't know the rules.
• 1:00:10
  Matt: I don't know the rules anymore.
• 1:00:11
  Matt: But let me ask you this.
• 1:00:12
  Matt: What was the last movie you made out during?
• 1:00:15
  Matt: Oh, the last?
• 1:00:16
  Matt: I know mine.
• 1:00:17
  Matt: It was in high school.
• 1:00:20
  Matt: I haven't I don't feel like that's an adult dating action.
• 1:00:24
  Matt: So so but you can correct me.
• 1:00:26
  Eric: You can correct me.
• 1:00:27
  Eric: But no, I okay.
• 1:00:29
  Eric: So I will say this.
• 1:00:30
  Eric: There is a huge like giving someone a smooch during a movie, I I couldn't even see.
• 1:00:35
  Matt: No, no, no, a snog, as the British would say.
• 1:00:37
  Matt: But I'm talking like, oh, we are getting the pre-netfrex and chill situation.
• 1:00:48
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:00:49
  Eric: God.
• 1:00:50
  Eric: What was the last Okay, so it has been a while for you.
• 1:00:54
  Eric: It's been a m it's been a minute.
• 1:00:56
  Eric: Pandemic kind of, you know, mess.
• 1:00:58
  Eric: I I've never even uh full disclosure, I've never I've never even kissed a girl.
• 1:01:03
  Eric: I wouldn't know what to do with my hands.
• 1:01:05
  Eric: Say since college you've done it?
• 1:01:07
  Eric: Oh, since college I've done it, yes.
• 1:01:09
  Eric: Wow.
• 1:01:09
  Eric: I'd say mid-20s I've I've I've made out with someone right now.
• 1:01:12
  Matt: Interesting.
• 1:01:13
  Matt: Interesting.
• 1:01:14
  Matt: No, I haven't done it since high school because it feels like a little bit of a high school behavior, but but hey, but maybe I if I was single, perhaps that my mind would change.
• 1:01:25
  Matt: I don't know.
• 1:01:26
  Eric: I again I don't know the rules anymore.
• 1:01:29
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 1:01:30
  Eric: Like you're never too old to make out.
• 1:01:32
  Eric: Like it's you gotta.
• 1:01:35
  Eric: It was memoirs of a geisha.
• 1:01:37
  Eric: Oh, hell yeah.
• 1:01:38
  Eric: That's hell yeah.
• 1:01:40
  Eric: Because when I think when I think fucking playing tonsil hockey in the movie theater, I think memoirs of a geisha.
• 1:01:47
  SPEAKER_03: I've never once heard the phrase tonsil hockey.
• 1:01:53
  Eric: All right, but yeah, it'll be the part of like memory of a like when you know, in memory of a geisha when memoirs of a geisha you never love, and and you're just a geisha does not love.
• 1:02:10
  Eric: First of all.
• 1:02:11
  Eric: Oh, hello, man, old enough to be my father.
• 1:02:14
  Eric: This is the character uh from from memoirs of geisha.
• 1:02:17
  Eric: Hello, man, old enough to be my father.
• 1:02:18
  Eric: I'm in love with you.
• 1:02:22
  Matt: Yeah, again, it was kind of background music.
• 1:02:25
  Eric: Uh definitely.
• 1:02:26
  SPEAKER_03: And what music it was.
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_03: What sweet, sweet music it was.
• 1:02:32
  SPEAKER_03: Might as well have been Barry White.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_03: Uh okay.
• 1:02:37
  Eric: All right.
• 1:02:37
  Eric: God, they're like breaking the kid's hands for not putting her paint on good enough, and you're just oh man, sure if that's what the movie's about.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: So I wouldn't know.
• 1:02:50
  Matt: It's a good movie.
• 1:02:51
  Matt: It is a good movie.
• 1:02:53
  Eric: I'm told.
• 1:02:54
  Eric: That was always my downfall.
• 1:02:56
  Eric: I will say this one last addendum.
• 1:02:58
  Eric: That was always my downfall when making out a movie theater.
• 1:03:01
  Eric: Because, like, for me to for me to like got I again the attention deficit disorder.
• 1:03:07
  Eric: We'll leave the H out of it.
• 1:03:08
  Eric: If the if it's a good movie, I am now making out in hard mode.
• 1:03:13
  Eric: I I have been absolutely guilty of this, Matt.
• 1:03:16
  Eric: I have been mid-makeout, and the eyes are drifting to the screen because there is a thing that is demanding my attention.
• 1:03:23
  Eric: My brain couldn't fathom not paying attention.
• 1:03:26
  Matt: I should be I should be perfectly clear.
• 1:03:28
  Matt: I didn't choose memoirs of Agea.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: If I had chosen the film, probably not making out at all.
• 1:03:34
  Eric: No, you pick if you you go to see it.
• 1:03:36
  Eric: That's why you go to see bad movies, so you could snog.
• 1:03:40
  Matt: Oh.
• 1:03:41
  Matt: Sorry.
• 1:03:42
  Matt: Uh I guess maybe I've been in the uh elevated population a little too long.
• 1:03:48
  Eric: Oh, I did remember one.
• 1:03:49
  Eric: I can tell you this.
• 1:03:51
  Eric: Alright, tell me.
• 1:03:52
  Eric: My partner at the time got mad at me because like we were we were making out, uh, we decided to go see a just like let's go see like this generic looking slasher fic because we're probably not gonna pay attention to it, and we can make out in the theater the whole time.
• 1:04:06
  Eric: Yeah, great.
• 1:04:07
  Eric: It was Cabin in the Woods.
• 1:04:08
  Eric: Ooh.
• 1:04:10
  Eric: We did I had no idea that it was the movie that it was.
• 1:04:14
  Eric: She got mad at me because fucking I was not, I was like, nope, bye.
• 1:04:21
  Eric: Uh save room for Jesus.
• 1:04:23
  Eric: I'm watching this.
• 1:04:24
  Eric: Wow.
• 1:04:25
  Eric: Eric.
• 1:04:27
  Eric: Got to.
• 1:04:27
  Eric: Let me hit you with this.
• 1:04:29
  Eric: Alright.
• 1:04:29
  Eric: I was gonna I was gonna end the bit, but continue.
• 1:04:32
  Eric: I'll tell you this.
• 1:04:33
  Eric: Tell me a tale.
• 1:04:34
  Eric: And Matt and everyone listening.
• 1:04:36
  Eric: We're entering the judgment free zone.
• 1:04:39
  Eric: Alright.
• 1:04:39
  Eric: We're gonna we're gonna take into account when the movie came out and the fact that I would have been, oh, I don't know, like 14 or 15 when it came out.
• 1:04:48
  Eric: Sure, sure.
• 1:04:49
  Eric: Sure, sure, sure.
• 1:04:50
  Eric: Ask me ask me what the most shameful movie I've made out during is.
• 1:04:55
  Matt: Eric, what's the most shameless movie you've made out during is World Trade Center.
• 1:05:02
  Matt: Eric! Eric! Eric! It doesn't matter what year it is.
• 1:05:09
  Matt: What are you talking about?
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_03: World Trade Center?
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_03: I was a teenager.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_03: I was that makes it worse in the world so much worse.
• 1:05:20
  Eric: What year did World Trade Center come out?
• 1:05:22
  Eric: 2005?
• 1:05:24
  Eric: Probably.
• 1:05:24
  Eric: I was I was probably 15 or 16.
• 1:05:26
  Matt: World Trade Crazy.
• 1:05:28
  Matt: I was 16.
• 1:05:30
  SPEAKER_00: What is what?
• 1:05:33
  Matt: 2006, Eric.
• 1:05:35
  Eric: Five years.
• 1:05:38
  Eric: Got the second base while watching World Trade Center.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_02: Second base?
• 1:05:43
  Matt: Eric.
• 1:05:44
  Matt: Eric.
• 1:05:46
  Matt: Never forget, motherfucker.
• 1:05:48
  Eric: Oh, I definitely won't forget that movie.
• 1:05:53
  Matt: I am a gog.
• 1:05:56
  Matt: I am aghast.
• 1:05:58
  Matt: How?
• 1:06:00
  Matt: How dare you! I could I could get behind a current teenager seeing world traits and making out during it.
• 1:06:11
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:06:12
  Matt: You Nicholas Cage playing paying homage to uh one of the most devastating tragedies in American history that we lived through, that Mr.
• 1:06:25
  Matt: Brinkman showed us in social studies class in the sixth period.
• 1:06:29
  Matt: I'll never forget it because I'm a true American and you are out here playing what was it, tonsil hockey as the South Tower's going down?
• 1:06:40
  Eric: It is literally impossible for it.
• 1:06:43
  Eric: So I'll tell you why you're not gonna hold it against a teenager today doing that, because there is no teenager alive today who was even born when it happened.
• 1:06:53
  Eric: That's what I'm saying.
• 1:06:54
  Eric: You can forgive that.
• 1:06:55
  Eric: And you lived it is I lived it.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_03: I earned it.
• 1:07:01
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, so you don't need to even watch the movie.
• 1:07:04
  Matt: Is that what you're saying?
• 1:07:06
  Matt: I look no no no.
• 1:07:11
  Matt: You brought this.
• 1:07:12
  Matt: I was about to move on to the closing segment, but no, no, you just had to get it.
• 1:07:17
  Matt: Here we are.
• 1:07:17
  Matt: So by all means, you dug this hole, you dig your way out of it.
• 1:07:21
  Eric: I am never going to apologize for getting to second base.
• 1:07:25
  Eric: Who among you?
• 1:07:26
  Eric: I'm I if you all can't see it, I'm like, it's the part of the movie you're all surrounding me with like pitchforks and torches, and I'm like pointing.
• 1:07:33
  Eric: Who among you?
• 1:07:35
  unknown: Wow.
• 1:07:39
  Matt: Well, I think maybe the uh passengers of United 93 might have something to say about it.
• 1:07:45
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:07:46
  Eric: It's good, it's good that we've gotten to a play, it's good to laugh again.
• 1:07:51
  Eric: Stop it.
• 1:07:52
  Eric: Stop it!
• 1:07:53
  Matt: No, we get to laugh again.
• 1:07:56
  Matt: We weren't making out during the the homage, and and let's not also let's not pretend the World Trade Center is a good movie necessarily.
• 1:08:05
  Eric: Thank you.
• 1:08:06
  Matt: Okay, thank you, but the your words but the subject matter is important.
• 1:08:12
  Eric: So I could so let's be clear.
• 1:08:14
  Eric: I could be watching a movie like I could be watching Saw and make out.
• 1:08:20
  Eric: Yeah, shh, if if that's your thing.
• 1:08:23
  Eric: I could be watching Misery and make out.
• 1:08:26
  Matt: I could be watching like, but you were if you were making it out during misery, I would also be offended, but that's because I'm a Stephen King stan.
• 1:08:33
  Eric: But God forbid, and I'm just gonna say it.
• 1:08:36
  Eric: I'm making out during a movie, which, sorry, spoiler, I already know how it ends.
• 1:08:44
  Matt: Okay, Eric.
• 1:08:45
  Matt: Eric, what you're saying right now though, okay, forget about the qua forget forget about the quality of the World Trade Center film for a second.
• 1:08:55
  Matt: Let's just change it out, okay?
• 1:08:57
  Eric: Starring Nicolas Cage.
• 1:08:59
  Matt: Starring Nicolas Cage, that seems like an unnecessary dig at Nicolas Cage, and I'm gonna have to.
• 1:09:03
  Eric: No, he's in it.
• 1:09:04
  Eric: Oh, I'm sorry.
• 1:09:05
  Eric: I know he is.
• 1:09:05
  Eric: I already said.
• 1:09:06
  Eric: When I was getting the second base, I was paying attention to the movie.
• 1:09:10
  Eric: Right.
• 1:09:11
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:09:11
  Matt: Yeah, sure you were.
• 1:09:13
  Matt: Sure you were.
• 1:09:14
  Matt: Let me ask you this, Eric.
• 1:09:15
  Matt: Go on.
• 1:09:16
  Matt: World Trade Center is about a tragedy, okay?
• 1:09:18
  Matt: Historical tragedy.
• 1:09:19
  Matt: Oh, you don't say.
• 1:09:20
  Matt: It's about a historical tragedy.
• 1:09:22
  Matt: So let's just let's remove the 9-11 aspect.
• 1:09:25
  Matt: Let's switch it out.
• 1:09:26
  Matt: And suddenly Oh, sure.
• 1:09:28
  Eric: Let's just remove the 9-11 part from the movie World Trade Center.
• 1:09:32
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 1:09:32
  Matt: I'm saying not the movie The World Trade Center, you ass.
• 1:09:38
  Matt: I'm saying, I'm saying the movie going experience that you're describing.
• 1:09:43
  Matt: Here's what I'm gonna say to you, Eric.
• 1:09:45
  Matt: You because you're put you're putting it on the teens of today.
• 1:09:48
  Matt: You're putting it on Gen Z who didn't have to live through it, and they're watching it.
• 1:09:52
  Matt: So I'm gonna do the same thing to you.
• 1:09:53
  Matt: You're watching Schindler's List, my friend.
• 1:09:56
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:09:56
  Matt: A universally acclaimed film.
• 1:09:59
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:09:59
  Matt: One of the best films ever made about a tragedy.
• 1:10:03
  Matt: And Eric, Eric, you've got a smoke show on your shoulder over there.
• 1:10:09
  Matt: What's the move, Eric?
• 1:10:12
  Matt: Careful now.
• 1:10:15
  Matt: Some of a bitch almost made me spit whiskey on the computer.
• 1:10:22
  Matt: Yeah, you can't do it, can you?
• 1:10:25
  Matt: You can't fucking do it.
• 1:10:27
  Matt: And you shouldn't be doing it because it's disrespectful, and you disrespected 9-11.
• 1:10:35
  Eric: Of course you can't make out during Schindler's List.
• 1:10:38
  Eric: Can't make out during a black and white movie.
• 1:10:40
  Eric: They're too sad.
• 1:10:42
  Eric: Black and white and red, to be fair.
• 1:10:44
  Eric: Oh.
• 1:10:45
  Eric: It's the only other color in the movie.
• 1:10:47
  Eric: It is.
• 1:10:47
  Eric: If memory serves.
• 1:10:49
  Eric: Man, you gotta hit me with a Schindler's list.
• 1:10:51
  Eric: You gotta be the Sophie's choice of makeout movies.
• 1:10:54
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, Sophie's Choice.
• 1:10:55
  Eric: Oh, I'd absolutely make out during Sophie's Choice.
• 1:10:58
  Eric: Rosemary's Baby.
• 1:11:00
  Eric: Oh, yeah, I'd make out during that.
• 1:11:01
  Eric: I wouldn't make out during Schindler's List.
• 1:11:03
  Eric: I would make out during Rosemary's Baby.
• 1:11:05
  Eric: I would make out during Sophie's Choice.
• 1:11:07
  Eric: And you'd make out during 9-11.
• 1:11:08
  Eric: That's what I'm hearing.
• 1:11:09
  Eric: I'd make out during World Trade Center.
• 1:11:10
  Eric: I've made out during I've got a second base during World Trade Center.
• 1:11:13
  Eric: Um, what do you mean you missed?
• 1:11:16
  Eric: Well now I'm curious about like the most upsetting movie you've made out during like probably memoirs of a geisha.
• 1:11:23
  Eric: Memoirs of a geisha is probably it's a very upsetting movie.
• 1:11:26
  Eric: I think it's it's all World Trade Center levels.
• 1:11:30
  Eric: It's not as bad as yours.
• 1:11:32
  Eric: No.
• 1:11:33
  Eric: No.
• 1:11:33
  Eric: Fucking okay.
• 1:11:36
  Eric: All right.
• 1:11:37
  Matt: So armrests.
• 1:11:38
  Matt: No, we answered that question.
• 1:11:40
  Eric: Oh, we answered that question.
• 1:11:41
  Matt: I will remind you that I was trying to move on, and you were like, no, no, no.
• 1:11:45
  Eric: I simply have to tell the world that thank you for reminding me.
• 1:11:51
  Eric: I'll never forget.
• 1:11:52
  Eric: Next question.
• 1:11:54
  Eric: God damn.
• 1:11:55
  Matt: You anyway, so for our closing segment.
• 1:12:01
  Matt: For our closing segment.
• 1:12:02
  Matt: Our closing segment today, we have a couple of uh as we promised last episode, we have some circle back follow-ups.
• 1:12:13
  Matt: A couple of them that we need to get to.
• 1:12:16
  Matt: First of all, in our uh in our Christmas spectacular this year, we talked about how um I was gonna buy an elf on the shelf.
• 1:12:27
  Eric: Yes, God, yes.
• 1:12:29
  Eric: And not tell my uh lovely wife who friendly reminder.
• 1:12:34
  Eric: The this is the same wife you tried you tried to smash her head like a little grape.
• 1:12:39
  SPEAKER_03: I was gonna say, my lovely wife with a very, let's say, grippable skull.
• 1:12:48
  Matt: Oh, fuck me.
• 1:12:50
  Matt: We she I didn't tell her about this.
• 1:12:52
  SPEAKER_03: I just brought such a grippable skull, Lindsay Barz.
• 1:12:57
  SPEAKER_03: Just brought in the I just brought it in.
• 1:13:01
  SPEAKER_03: Damn.
• 1:13:02
  SPEAKER_03: You know what, Eric?
• 1:13:03
  SPEAKER_03: We made some great blends, did we not?
• 1:13:06
  Eric: Yeah, we made some very good blends of whiskey.
• 1:13:08
  Eric: Lindsay, the next I just want to let you know when Lindsay, this is me giving you the heads up.
• 1:13:13
  Eric: When I see you next, I will compliment how grippable your skull is.
• 1:13:18
  Eric: Please.
• 1:13:19
  Eric: Every everyone within the sound of my voice.
• 1:13:23
  Eric: If you can hear this episode, please.
• 1:13:26
  Eric: We are not joking.
• 1:13:28
  Eric: Please, if you ever see Lindsay in real life, she has a grippable skull.
• 1:13:33
  Eric: Please compliment Lindsay on how grippable her skull is.
• 1:13:40
  Matt: So I hid this up on the shelf.
• 1:13:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:13:44
  Matt: I bought this up on the shelf with not many days left before Christmas, like seven or eight days left.
• 1:13:49
  Matt: So I didn't have a good sample size, but I did get some good hiding places in there.
• 1:13:55
  Eric: Oh my god, gang, Matt is live updating me while he's doing this.
• 1:14:00
  Eric: I'm sorry.
• 1:14:01
  Eric: Oh, sorry.
• 1:14:02
  Eric: I I'm I'm can I do a dramatic reading of the fucking like the texts you sent me because they were so fucking funny.
• 1:14:12
  Matt: Let me let me get while you pull up the text, let me set the scene.
• 1:14:17
  Matt: I had some I thought some good hiding spots for my first ever Elf on the Shelf go, and I will put them on the Instagram for you.
• 1:14:24
  Matt: But because I did document my hiding places, of course.
• 1:14:29
  Matt: But for the first one, I wanted to make sure she saw it and saw it right away.
• 1:14:33
  Matt: So I put this sucker right in front of the toilet.
• 1:14:37
  Matt: On this are the in our bathroom, the toilet faces like the sink counter, right?
• 1:14:43
  Matt: So I put him on the counter, facing the toilet, so she'd come home.
• 1:14:47
  Matt: She goes to the bathroom, sees him right away.
• 1:14:49
  Matt: We have a good laugh.
• 1:14:49
  Eric: Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
• 1:14:51
  Eric: That in theory, that would have been what happened.
• 1:14:53
  Matt: But that's not what happened.
• 1:14:55
  Matt: That is not what happened.
• 1:14:57
  Matt: He went to the bathroom like three times.
• 1:14:59
  Matt: I kept moving him to more obvious locations, and I'm gonna pass the mic over to Eric.
• 1:15:05
  Eric: I start getting these fucking texts.
• 1:15:08
  Eric: Like Matt is live updating me.
• 1:15:10
  Eric: Uh fucking he he sends me a text.
• 1:15:13
  Eric: It's a picture of him.
• 1:15:14
  Eric: He takes a picture of the elf curled behind the lotion on their, on their their neutragena.
• 1:15:19
  Eric: And I just get a text like, Eric, I put him directly across from the toilet.
• 1:15:23
  Eric: She used it as soon as she came home.
• 1:15:24
  Eric: Nothing.
• 1:15:25
  Eric: He's right next to the sink, too.
• 1:15:27
  Eric: Nothing.
• 1:15:28
  Eric: And and like I'm complimenting the pose he's putting in.
• 1:15:31
  Eric: He's like, Matt literally bought Velcro to put on the elf's hands.
• 1:15:37
  Eric: He did.
• 1:15:38
  Eric: He's like, technically, he's getting, I can feel him getting anxious as these go the as this goes on.
• 1:15:43
  Eric: Because he picked, I'm sorry, such a primo spot.
• 1:15:48
  Eric: And Lindsay.
• 1:15:49
  Eric: No, she I don't know if she was just looking at her phone or what.
• 1:15:54
  Eric: This is going on.
• 1:15:55
  Eric: The first text he sent me was at like around three o'clock.
• 1:16:00
  Eric: He was still sending me updates as of like 9 p.m.
• 1:16:04
  Eric: that night.
• 1:16:05
  Eric: She had seen nothing.
• 1:16:07
  Eric: He he he's like, I don't know what to do.
• 1:16:10
  Eric: I don't know what to do.
• 1:16:10
  Eric: I don't know what to do.
• 1:16:12
  Eric: At one point, Matt even poses to me the idea.
• 1:16:14
  Eric: He's like, oh, sorry, I posed this idea to him.
• 1:16:17
  Eric: At one point, I thought Lindsay has to be fucking with him.
• 1:16:22
  Eric: That's what I thought.
• 1:16:23
  Eric: This has to be like 32D chess move she's playing.
• 1:16:28
  Eric: That she is he is now within her game.
• 1:16:30
  Eric: He is within her web of of of intrigue.
• 1:16:36
  Eric: Nothing.
• 1:16:37
  Eric: Nothing.
• 1:16:38
  Eric: Like we are both having panic attacks over this.
• 1:16:41
  Eric: And that's when Matt sends me the following audio.
• 1:16:45
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:16:46
  Matt: So eventually I decide that you know what?
• 1:16:49
  Matt: This is gonna be good content for the podcast.
• 1:16:52
  Matt: So here comes the first audio clip.
• 1:16:54
  Matt: Alright, audience.
• 1:16:56
  Matt: Take yourself back to like uh, you know, like uh December 15th or so, and here we go.
• 1:17:03
  Eric: I paid more attention to this than I paid to World Trade Center.
• 1:17:07
  Eric: Okay, here's the situation.
• 1:17:09
  SPEAKER_02: Lindsay just went to the bathroom where the elf on the shelf has been staring her in the face.
• 1:17:19
  SPEAKER_02: Directly all day long.
• 1:17:23
  SPEAKER_02: This is her fourth trip since I have man, I talked right in the elf on the shelf there.
• 1:17:30
  SPEAKER_02: Hours ago.
• 1:17:32
  SPEAKER_02: Hours ago.
• 1:17:35
  SPEAKER_02: Twelve.
• 1:17:36
  SPEAKER_02: Twelve hours ago.
• 1:17:38
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna see.
• 1:17:40
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna see.
• 1:17:42
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna see if she sees it this time.
• 1:17:45
  SPEAKER_02: I I even moved it right next to the sink.
• 1:17:50
  SPEAKER_02: She practically has to touch him after to use the sink.
• 1:17:58
  SPEAKER_02: So let's see, let's see what happens.
• 1:18:00
  unknown: Let's see what happens.
• 1:18:01
  Matt: Okay, okay, so that's my my live update voice memo that I that I sent Eric Poach, and then now indeed the world.
• 1:18:10
  Matt: Um, and then a few minutes later, I played a cool, I'm sitting, I'm watching TV, whatever.
• 1:18:16
  Matt: Lindsay comes out of the bathroom, and luckily for you, audience, the tape was rolling.
• 1:18:23
  SPEAKER_03: Where the fuck did you get this thing?
• 1:18:30
  SPEAKER_03: She scared the shit out of me.
• 1:18:31
  SPEAKER_03: You can't pick him up.
• 1:18:34
  SPEAKER_03: Where did you get him?
• 1:18:35
  SPEAKER_03: How long has he been in there?
• 1:18:37
  SPEAKER_02: You purchased it this year.
• 1:18:38
  SPEAKER_02: This is me.
• 1:18:39
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't own this, right?
• 1:18:45
  Eric: And she didn't know I was recording recording that.
• 1:18:48
  Eric: When I first heard this, I was hyperventilating.
• 1:18:52
  Eric: I was fucking Lindsay, you angel.
• 1:18:57
  Eric: You you you goddess, you being of pure light and energy who Matt tried to murder.
• 1:19:04
  SPEAKER_03: You I didn't try to murder.
• 1:19:06
  SPEAKER_03: I immediately let go upon King's.
• 1:19:08
  Eric: It was technically attempted murder.
• 1:19:10
  Matt: I thought she was a tall, bald man.
• 1:19:13
  Matt: Your honor.
• 1:19:15
  SPEAKER_03: Your honor, he challenged me to a duel in my mind.
• 1:19:19
  Eric: I we did not own this.
• 1:19:22
  Eric: I just had to hear I didn't hear Lindsay reassuring herself of her own reality.
• 1:19:27
  Eric: We did not own.
• 1:19:28
  Eric: We did not own this.
• 1:19:29
  Eric: I should double down.
• 1:19:30
  Eric: Where did she get this?
• 1:19:32
  Eric: I should have been like, what is that?
• 1:19:34
  Eric: Where did that go from?
• 1:19:36
  Eric: She is bouncing back and forth between reassuring herself that this is real life and this is happening, and accusing like, where did you get this?
• 1:19:43
  Matt: How did also I wasn't necessarily expecting her to pick her up, but uh pick him up.
• 1:19:48
  Matt: But I guess I should have known better.
• 1:19:50
  Matt: She didn't know the lore yet, like we did.
• 1:19:52
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 1:19:53
  Matt: I thought you can't touch the elf.
• 1:19:55
  Eric: You can't touch the elf.
• 1:19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, you can't touch the elf.
• 1:19:58
  Matt: But anyway, I will put up my subsequent uh hiding spaces now that we are uh two months removed almost from Christmas.
• 1:20:08
  Matt: I will put that up on our Instagram so you can see the fun places I put him on my first go-round.
• 1:20:14
  Matt: You you elf on the shelf veterans can judge for yourself.
• 1:20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 1:20:19
  Matt: So, so listen, we don't usually do the same closing segment back-to-back episodes, but I think we're running a little bit long on time here.
• 1:20:28
  Matt: So uh I know we have a voicemail here from Zach Deuce, uh, who has some uh follow-up thoughts to our recent episode uh where we answered questions about how you lose the game.
• 1:20:40
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:20:41
  Matt: Um just lost or three.
• 1:20:44
  Matt: Thank you for the voicemail.
• 1:20:45
  Matt: You all lost the game yet again.
• 1:20:47
  Matt: Um we will get to that next time, I promise you.
• 1:20:51
  Eric: Zach ED, you are my beautiful, bright ray of light.
• 1:20:56
  Matt: I didn't think we'd have to burn so much time talking about how Eric doesn't respect 9-11.
• 1:21:01
  Eric: Oh, were we talking about how much Eric respects intimacy?
• 1:21:08
  Matt: We weren't talking about how much Eric doesn't respect Nicolas Cage.
• 1:21:13
  Eric: Get you a man who will make out during World Trade Center.
• 1:21:16
  Matt: No, get you a man who won't.
• 1:21:21
  Matt: Listen, speaking of Zachy D, uh, before we bid you all adieu, wanted to let you know that Eric and I recently had the distinct pleasure of being guests for a full episode of the Neatcast, episode 107.
• 1:21:38
  Matt: Uh, so but please go give it a listen.
• 1:21:41
  Matt: Um, we did have some technical difficulties with Eric's mic, so forgive us for that.
• 1:21:47
  Eric: Probably my fault.
• 1:21:48
  Matt: Yeah, I sound I you sound a little like you're in a tin can, but it's okay.
• 1:21:54
  Matt: It's all right.
• 1:21:55
  Matt: The episode is still hilarious, and we, as the Neatcast uh likes to do with their guests, they asked us to bring in a final segment, and we brought in a brand new game in which I have Eric, Jair, Mike, and Zach guests based on the ghost kitchen name, the actual restaurant that is hiding behind that illusion, behind that uh v uh facade.
• 1:22:24
  Matt: I couldn't think of the word facade.
• 1:22:26
  Matt: I was gonna say visage.
• 1:22:27
  Matt: Facade.
• 1:22:29
  Matt: I've had too much of my own whiskey bend.
• 1:22:33
  Matt: So that seems like a good time to end the episode.
• 1:22:36
  Matt: So what I'm saying is go listen to episode 107 and the Neatcast there, wherever you wherever you get your podcasts.
• 1:22:43
  Matt: And by all means, make sure, if you haven't already, from our last episode, you check out the link in our uh link tree there in Matt worked so hard on this.
• 1:22:54
  Matt: Our link tree there in um in on the Instagram for your bingo cards, your your daft bingo cards for 2023.
• 1:23:02
  Matt: The template is up there in Canva.
• 1:23:05
  Matt: You can make your own, share it.
• 1:23:07
  Matt: It's all one big image, but you can crop it down to the board.
• 1:23:11
  Eric: Also, did you notice that we both had exactly one square in the same exact spot?
• 1:23:15
  Eric: I th yes, I thought we agreed that we were putting it a no, no, oh sorry, in addition to the free square, in our random arrangement.
• 1:23:22
  Eric: Oh, no, I didn't see it.
• 1:23:26
  Matt: Oh no, which one was it?
• 1:23:27
  Matt: That's such a good question.
• 1:23:29
  Matt: Great.
• 1:23:31
  Matt: One moment.
• 1:23:32
  Matt: Well, the f the quote unquote free square, we made a goal square, and that is on you, audience.
• 1:23:39
  Matt: That is to put you daft in the top five overall of the good pods charts.
• 1:23:44
  Matt: And you know what?
• 1:23:45
  Matt: If that's the overall comedy charts, I'll take that too.
• 1:23:48
  Eric: Oh, 100%.
• 1:23:50
  Eric: But also it was the the square we had in common was major casual dining place will close.
• 1:23:56
  Eric: Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:23:57
  Eric: Same exact uh point in the grid.
• 1:23:59
  Matt: So good, good, a good amount of overlap between ours, but if you want to play around with your own options, folks, we encourage you to do so.
• 1:24:08
  Matt: Again, if anybody, and indeed multiple people, have themselves a uh a good bingo, as they say in the bingo community, then uh then we will have you as a guest on You Didn't Ask For This.
• 1:24:22
  Matt: Yes, we will.
• 1:24:23
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 1:24:24
  Matt: So, in addition to that, Eric, I think it's time for the business.
• 1:24:28
  Matt: Give them the business.
• 1:24:30
  Matt: The regular business, as it were.
• 1:24:32
  Matt: You can follow you didn't ask for this on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube at you didn't askpod.
• 1:24:39
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:24:42
  Matt: And you can submit your questions to us there, or you can submit your questions to us at you dididn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:24:49
  Matt: That's all spelled out in the email address there.
• 1:24:52
  Matt: Send us whatever questions you have.
• 1:24:53
  Matt: And of course, as teased, you can call the thought line.
• 1:24:59
  Matt: The thought line.
• 1:25:00
  Matt: And share your thoughts with us at 410-929-5329.
• 1:25:06
  Matt: Leave your questions, leave your rebuttals, leave your concerns, whatever you want to put.
• 1:25:13
  Eric: Tell us the most awkward movie you've made out during.
• 1:25:16
  Matt: Tell us you the your awkward makeout movies.
• 1:25:19
  Matt: Tell us the best places you've put an elf on the shelf.
• 1:25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Recommend movies to make out too.
• 1:25:24
  Matt: Listen, I can't say this enough.
• 1:25:27
  Matt: Tell us anything.
• 1:25:28
  Matt: We just like to hear from you.
• 1:25:29
  Eric: Like, really, like, we're at the point where you say anything, it will we're gonna discuss it.
• 1:25:35
  Matt: Like it's it's a new, it's a brave new world out there.
• 1:25:39
  Matt: The land is fertile.
• 1:25:41
  Matt: You're the rabbit under underway here, and we hope you are all having a I didn't name it.
• 1:25:49
  Matt: We hope you we're hoping we're hoping you all are having uh a good start to 2023, and you can have a better start to 2024 by being a guest on You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:25:59
  Matt: So anyway, Eric, was there any other business that we need to uh to put forth?
• 1:26:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not a goddamn thing.
• 1:26:08
  Matt: Well, then in that case, for all of us here at You Didn't Ask For This.
• 1:26:13
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea.
• 1:26:15
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:26:16
  Matt: And listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:26:18
  Eric: Mr.
• 1:26:19
  Eric: Shay, please describe how your hands ended up on your wife's head.
• 1:26:27
  Eric: Please, for the court, demonstrate.
• 1:26:29
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:26:30
  Eric: Would you describe yourself as a squeezing sort of man?
• 1:26:34
  Eric: Were you trying to juice your wife's noggin, sir?
• 1:26:37
  Eric: No, no, sir.
• 1:26:38
  Matt: I resent that.
• 1:26:38
  Matt: You're trying to milk it.
• 1:26:40
  Matt: I resent that accusation.
• 1:26:42
  Matt: I was not trying to juice or milk my wife's cranium.
• 1:26:46
  Matt: Mr.
• 1:26:47
  Matt: Shea, you are under oath.
• 1:26:49
  Matt: I will remind you that I won the duel of wits already, and I was fighting a bald tall.
• 1:26:59
  Matt: No further questions, Your Honor.
• 1:27:00
  Matt: No further questions.
• 1:27:01
  SPEAKER_03: It was a bald tall, Your Honor.
• 1:27:04
  SPEAKER_03: Bailiff! I don't know.