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69: Healing From Repressed Trauma w/ Olivia Young · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  This episode is sponsored by National Technology Management. Visit TrustNTM.com for more information. I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living. Welcome to a transformative podcast featuring Olivia Young.
• 0:26
  and entrepreneur, writer, life coach, and trauma survivor. She's the creative force behind box and flow of fitness modality, combining boxing and yoga for healing through movement.
• 0:36
  Olivia's journey took an unexpected turn when, despite her success, she faced the closure of her studios due to COVID-19 in 2020. This pause allowed her to confront her past traumas through psychedelic assisted therapy and other modalities. Today, Olivia shares a remarkable story of healing from darkness to a life filled with purpose. She seamlessly weaves her coaching into her writing, speaking, and brand.
• 1:01
  Join us as we explore Olivia's inspired path from adversity to empowerment. Welcome to Olivia's transformative journey and welcome to the Heart of Life podcast, my good friend. Thank you. That was beautiful. Appreciate it. Well, you're beautiful, both inside and out. I want to start this off with my heartfelt, I love you and I see you and I just adore you. So we're going to talk about some amazing things and try to help the universe grow.
• 1:31
  You know, I'm a big giver and grower, and this is what we're going to talk about today. So we're going to talk about the first question is, can you tell us more about that fitness modality, boxing flow and how it combines boxing and yoga for healing?
• 1:46
  Sure. So I started practicing yoga when I was 15, sort of my longest commitment to date. And I started boxing when I was 20. And I found that these two opposites created balance for me physically, spiritually, mentally. You know, all I knew is that like boxing made me feel strong and yoga allowed me to slow down and feel. And it was sort of this like duality, masculine, feminine, dark, light, fight, flow that I believe we all have.
• 2:14
  We all, you know, encapsulate this, you know, masculine and feminine energy. And oftentimes there's an imbalance. So some of us lead with more fight and some of us have more of like a calming demeanor. But either way, it was like these two physicalities.
• 2:30
  shaped my experience and allowed me to like be on the field. So at 23, I was brand director for a global hospitality company, working with celebrity chefs and, um, and opening restaurants all around the world. And I attribute that, um,
• 2:45
  possibility to the fact that like I would box at Church Street Jam and Tribeca every single morning with a bunch of fighters and it gave me the courage to show up in the boardroom, you know, with the former president of Merrill Lynch that was my boss, but it was also this like softness of
• 3:03
  that which I channeled through yoga that allowed me to stay grounded and not like be this wild fighter. So all I knew was that I was meant to start my own business. I didn't exactly know what it was. And when I like slowed down, I was like, well, what am I committed to? And it was simply boxing and yoga. And so I was like running down the Williamsburg Bridge in Manhattan one day, and it just hit me. It was like, it's boxing flow. And so I wanted to heal others or help heal others as I had healed.
• 3:31
  The irony in all of it was that I didn't know what I was healing. So when I started my business, I had no conscious memory of any trauma of that which you spoke. And so I was teaching others to face their fight and find their flow. And when I say that, when your question, what was the fitness modality? It was nine rounds in a heavy bag, no breaks.
• 3:51
  in a dark room, no mirrors, to take out all the distractions so that you could channel this internal fire. And at the end of nine rounds, you took your gloves off. The music changed from like Nirvana, DMX, really intense, into like Ella Fitzgerald and Bon Iver and whatever else, into a 15-minute vinyasa flow, yoga.
• 4:12
  into silence, darkness, almost like this idea of death and rebirth. And the doors of my fitness studios said, everything you need is inside. So it was this reminder to like, look inside, like get outside, get away from all of this external and face your fight to find your flow.
• 4:30
  And so I was teaching others what I needed to learn. And in a way, it was this microcosm of life of like, we all have internal fight. And I think it's about how we use it and alchemize it. And I so respect you because, you know, you talk about your struggles and where you come from. And like, you use that energy to propel you into business, into whatever, into getting in the gym every morning at 4 a.m. or whatever it is. But so I think it comes back down to like,
• 4:59
  acknowledging what this fight is and then using it for you, not against you. At a time in my life, I thought I was using it for me. And I was. I started this business. I signed a lease before ever having taught a class. But it wasn't until, as you said, I closed my studios that I was able to slow down and be like, what am I fighting for?
• 5:20
  So Box and Flow was really a microcosm of life about helping others as I helped myself with nine rounds and a heavy bag. The only real like teaching besides, of course, Jab Cross was never drop your hands, never give up on you. So I was I was training resilience and grit.
• 5:40
  First of all, let me get an honest to you. It's been a long time coming. I'm so grateful you're on. And I just, I feel your energy after one question. I just, I want to squeeze you. So I know you're a teeny tiny woman. How tall and how, I've never met you in person but we've talked a thousand times. How tall are you? I'm 5'3 on a good day. So this little thing, just beating on a bag. I love it. Just taking out all the aggressions. What, what, how many minutes were the rounds?
• 6:11
  traditional boxing rounds, three minutes. But the premise was at some point, you know, you're fighting, you're fighting, fighting. And it was to the beat of the music. And I always say the best fighters are dancers. If you actually look at fighters, they move, you know, there's a cadence, there's a rhythm. And so the class was really about seeing boxing as dancing, seeing fighting as dancing, because at some point, you know, you might start like this with like a lot of resistance, but once you allow the music to like,
• 6:41
  you know, become one with, if you're integrated, you start to dance. And so the music carries you like you want to, the, the, one of the taglines, as you said, I'm a writer is flow through the fight.
• 6:54
  You want to create ease through the resistance and allow yourself to move with freedom. And I think that was my sort of mentality around challenge. Like whatever you're fighting, can we find some flow through it? Because there will always be resistance. It's just a matter of how you face it. And when we soften, we can face hard things with ease.
• 7:19
  So the reason why I asked is I did amateur boxing charity event in college and we did three two minute rounds. And at the end of every fight, I fought three fights. We were like, I'd look at the guy and I'm like, don't, don't hit me. I can't wait. It's so, if you've never boxed, it is the most intense training I've ever done. My heart felt like it was on fire. So 27 minutes of moving your hands.
• 7:46
  is not easy, number one, mentally or physically. But I just, I really wanna go back over and appreciate everything you need is inside. I say that all in over. Everything you require, you can provide. Never drop your hands and flow through the fight. Oh, those are beautiful, beautiful.
• 8:09
  You mentioned that you had no conscious memory of your past trauma when you opened your studios. Could you share the moment when you realized the impact of your trauma on your life?
• 8:20
  So back to this flow through the fight and facing yourself to free yourself, never drop your hands, nine rounds in a heavy bag. I created this entire business of the mindset of almost like how you handle PTSD, if you will. And as I said, the irony was I had no conscious memory of what I was fighting. So my studios closed, COVID, everything was stuck, right? It was like,
• 8:50
  I had fought so hard to build this dream. And my first studio was 1500 square feet on a second floor loft in the middle of Soho in New York City. My dream studio opened three weeks before COVID shutdown, which was 3000 square feet, my dream space. And it was like I was marching into this dream that like never happened.
• 9:13
  And the best thing that happened was that my studios closed because it was the first time in my life that I was actually forced to slow down and stop. And the moment, I mean, we talk about wellness and like I've worked through all of these healing modalities because, as you mentioned, I mentioned everything you need is inside. I believe, you know, our energetics are through the body. So I talk a lot about cleaning and clearing energy. One is movement through sweat. One is breathing.
• 9:42
  meditation, clearing the mind. Another is like gut health. So a lot of like colonics and sort of that stuff. Cause I believe that we, um, we trust ourselves through our guts. So if there's stuck energy, we've got to figure out a way to get it out. Anyways, the moment I'm on a colonic table.
• 9:59
  My energy was stuck. And the woman that was helping me was, she said, have you ever heard of like toad medicine? And I was like, what? And I had never done a hard drug before except like smoke some weed in college. And, um...
• 10:16
  She was talking about psychedelics and plant medicine. And so I had heard like a year or a half before I was on a date with some guy and he was talking about like smoking toad venom, licking a toad. And I was like, okay, dude, you're good for you. Let's eat. But then they say when the medicine calls you when you're ready.
• 10:35
  So in this moment, Kalanik, she mentioned this psychoactive thing. It's 20 minutes. It saved her life. And I was like, whatever it is, I need it. And so the medicine called me and I finally answered. And there was this whole rhetoric about it, like the shaman's never in town, but here's his number. You can try. So I got home and I had his number on my coffee table and I was like, okay.
• 11:01
  fuck it. I'm just going to text this guy. And he texted right back. And he's like, I just got back from a five month sabbatical in South America. Are you here this weekend? And I was like, okay, like, yes, I'm here this weekend. Like, tell me what to do. And a prerequisite to that was the man I was dating at the time, the first time we were intimate a couple of months prior, he asked me, did something happen to you? And, um,
• 11:26
  I got defensive and also was like, you know, I wasn't ready for the intimacy and like I felt so much pressure and all of these emotions. I feel a lot of women feel and many women don't have proper boundaries and men, too. I shouldn't just make it about women. People, if you don't have proper boundaries to just say like, no, because we're so afraid to lose that person or like, is it weird that I'm not ready or et cetera. There's all these questions about it.
• 11:53
  Anyways, his question sort of stung me to the extent of like, I got defensive. And then again, once I like softened, found a little bit flow around it.
• 12:04
  I asked myself that question. So that was what preempted this idea of like, go smoke toad medicine, because I couldn't access my subconscious. I had been so armored without knowing why. Like I was a fighter. You're like, as you said, I'm five three. I signed a lease for a studio. I'd never taught a class before I opened my business. I was just like, let's go.
• 12:27
  Because I had something to prove and I was running from whatever it was that I was fighting. So the moment was the clinic table, then smoking this toad medicine, which when I want to preface this idea of psychedelics, they are not for everybody. I talk about them in sort of this mystical, magical, like flippant way because I can't.
• 12:51
  But that is not to say that you should go smoke crystallized toad venom. To explain, 5-MeO-DMT is what is also found in ayahuasca. The molecule is also the same molecule your brain secretes before you die. So the purpose of 5-MeO-DMT is ego death. And I would say it's like the tantamount of psychedelics. It is not where you start. It's not where you start.
• 13:17
  And similarly to how I signed a lease before teaching a class in New York City, for me, I operate best by just jumping.
• 13:27
  So I was stuck. I found what I thought could be a way out. I jumped. I didn't do much research before because if I think too much about it, I get more stuck. And in that 20-minute psychoactive toad experience, I saw faces and places and emotions and all of these things, like clearing the energetics through the body because it also clears all of your energy centers. And it was too quick and too intense for me to understand what it was.
• 13:56
  So five days later, I ended up doing a more like well-rounded ceremony with MDMA and psilocybin. And then I literally started remembering very violent sexual trauma from my past.
• 14:14
  So very long winded answer. It's like you see my questions because the next question was about psychedelics. So keep up. So I will tell you a couple of things that I want to point out. You already know this, but I'll say this for the audiences is God or source or universe, whatever the higher power energy kept showing you the path and you weren't sure you were running from it. We all do that. It's very common. Most people do it with sex, drugs.
• 14:40
  or alcohol, you did it with busyness and there was no escaping it. So if you just slow down, and you meaning my listeners, life will catch you where you're supposed to be. It kept showing you and then you just accepted and look at this beautiful life you're living now. I interviewed Dan Martell, who's a multi multi-millionaire. And I asked him a question at the very end that was, what's something you would lead the listeners with? And he said,
• 15:10
  And I quote, everybody should try 5-MeO-DMT. I was like, whoa. We've talked about my Dalios in plant medicine and I'm gonna tell you right now, I credit that to my ego death. I didn't do this 5-MeO-DMT because I'm gonna wait for you and do it with you because I feel safe with you. And I will tell you that this
• 15:38
  plant medicine and being with the shaman of being, not just going and taking drugs and sitting with a bunch of friends. It was a ceremony, a beautiful ceremony. And I uncovered things that I didn't know about myself and was able to break myself wide open. So I do, it is harder than life recommended, but done correctly, which we're gonna dig deep dive into with you because you have opportunities, ideas, and ways to do this. But I wanna dig deeper into that trauma
• 16:08
  But also, how did the psychedelics, so talk about the trauma a little deeper, because I don't start my things off like, tell us your backstory. So I guess tell us your backstory, and then bring it full circle on how the psychedelics led to the healing.
• 16:28
  Yes. And I want to challenge Dan. So Dan, if you're listening, let's talk about this. Because before we even get to that quickly, why I want to preface the psychedelics again is because there's so much talk about it these days. And it's becoming more and more accessible. If it is not held in a safe container, meaning the set and setting, but also in the container that is you, then,
• 16:52
  if you are not prepared for what you're potentially going to experience, people can really lose themselves. It is that strong. It is that divine. And you mentioned this, you know, God kept showing spirit, source kept showing me, which is about slowing down. Psychedelics, particularly plants, not necessarily like lab made ketamine or MDMA. Psychedelics, they have a consciousness of their own. The plants...
• 17:20
  So many of them are teacher plants. They take you exactly where you need to go. And I believe it is, DMT particularly, it's called the God molecule. And it leads you where you are meant to go, I say, if you're ready. So ready is a very loaded word. But when I say nine rounds in a heavy bag, and the business, et cetera, it's like, I've been training my whole life for that moment. I've been training my whole life to face
• 17:48
  that in this second ceremony I mentioned, my first repressed memory was waking up in a shower with no pants on when I was 17 at a high school party. I had been raped by my, at the time, friend's father, who left me in the shower for dead.
• 18:07
  And I had had that memory recurring. I would wake up once in a while in the shower, naked, not knowing why or how I got there. But I had nothing to connect it to.
• 18:21
  You know, it was September 12th, 2020. I showed up. There was 20 strangers in a loft in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. You know, something led me there, something being God. I saw my reflection in the mirror right before this ceremony. And it was the first time I heard this voice in so much love. I saw my reflection and it said, like, Olivia, you're beautiful. No matter what happens tonight, never forget that.
• 18:49
  And it was my soul. It was God. It was, I have a jealous, the love I was always seeking within me just coming out to say, like, no matter what, like, you're held, like, you're going to be okay.
• 19:03
  And so when I laid down, took the medicine, and I finally surrendered, because another part of plant medicine is the way that it works is you have to really open up to it. Because if you fight it, it will fight you. And that's when bad trips happen. So I hold this idea of plant medicine very like holy container. But-
• 19:21
  When that I laid down and it was very clear, it was, it said you were 17. It was blank. He raped you. And it showed me the shower. It showed me the moments. It also the next sentence was, and that's why you dated blank. So the pain besides the trauma was also that.
• 19:42
  since 17 at, you know, in my memory at that moment, I had been repeating the same pattern and I had been going back to almost doppelgangers of this person who assaulted me at 17. And I was dating people that reminded me subconsciously of this person, be it like their size, the car they drove, you know, the fact that the relationship was very similar, um,
• 20:09
  That's the pain of trauma, I believe, is that when it is unconscious, we repeat the patterns until we bring them to conscious awareness, and then we stop self-sabotage. So that was step one. That was, you know, three years ago. And when that came to my conscious awareness, I was shocked. I was silenced. I was frozen.
• 20:38
  Nothing was safe. I didn't know who to talk to. Like, call your friends, call your parents and be like, hey, I was raped 17 years ago. This is why I've been sort of doing these things. It's not a conversation that's like, and then three years ago too, it's like, oh, I just did a bunch of drugs and remembered that I was raped and left in a shower. You know, there's so much around it. But what I learned from that moment, it was like, I went home, I was so scared to go home alone in an Uber. Like everything is unsafe at this point.
• 21:07
  And I woke up the next morning and the only thing I knew to do was to get back into my body. Because what I had been doing for my whole life was finding physicality to remember how strong I was. Otherwise, I would have been disembodied. So I was walking to my closed studio. I had a private boxing gym. The next morning, just frozen, hysterically crying, crying.
• 21:27
  if anyone's listening that is in New York city, if you know where Balthazar is on spring street, I was just walking up and the sun was shining down and it was a Sunday morning. And I just looked up again and I said, please, please, God, please help me. Like that was when I kind of just like gave it to God, like, please just help me. And as I'm rounding the bend, someone taps me on the shoulder and it was the shaman from the night before. And I just fell on him. And so, um,
• 21:56
  That was the beginning of a very long journey of a lot of different ceremonies and the remembering of more than 10, et cetera, really violent sexual assaults, tracing back to a very young age. Because for me, the story is when
• 22:20
  sexual trauma or any trauma, anything happens at a young age, you dissociate from your body. And there's something about...
• 22:31
  this idea of being vulnerable, it's like people can smell it on you. And because you dissociate, it's like you're almost like ripe for the taking. So things just sort of kept happening. And I had no conscious awareness, so I just kept dissociating to, you know, mid-20s through college. And every single time just kept getting more and more violent. So imagine for three years, you know,
• 22:54
  actively digging into your past memory. And every time I would show up to do this work, I would please God, show me love, show me light. I'm ready for opening and beginning and like renewal. And it just, because I was so open to God, to the medicine, it just kept getting darker and more violent. Um, and I'm so grateful for all of it.
• 23:21
  Oof. I just want, and I've heard this before, so I just, I need to take a second to think.
• 23:31
  There's so much to unpack there. Now, I want to rewind that because you kind of cursed over. There were several sexual assaults that you uncovered. So I just want to tell you that, again, that I love you and that was courageous. And what you're doing is courageous because you're not alone. There's many, many other people that are holding this back. And it's literally drinking the poison and expecting the assault, the assailant to die.
• 24:03
  So you're doing great work and that you're creating a safe zone for people to come out. Talk to me about and the listeners about the subconscious. That's new to me. I've read a lot about it, but I don't understand how this is.
• 24:19
  I guarantee you I've met people and I've coached people and I've counseled people that have some trauma that is so buried in their subconscious that they don't know about it. So how does that happen and what could be some signs that that's happening? Because for you, thank goodness, if you wouldn't have met that lady on that, on that chronic table, you could still be in this, in the, in the same situation fighting.
• 24:45
  the good fight, so to speak. So talk about what signs people should look at it. If they, this sign, this thing may be happening. If you, I'm sorry, you may have buried some traumatic trauma in your subconscious. If this is happening.
• 25:02
  So I speak to that even like on a high level. Trauma, as Gabor Mate says, if you have interest in this work, look him up. He says it's not what happens to you. It's what happens inside of you as a result.
• 25:15
  So everybody has trauma. Not everyone has big T trauma like, you know, sexual assault or violence. But everybody has, you know, the avoidant parent in the home, not getting the love that they needed, being called fat on the playground, some bullying. Like we've all experienced something that separates us from our true essence, from our heart. And so as a result, we wear these masks. We build this ego to protect us.
• 25:43
  When we speak of the subconscious mind, the subconscious mind is the internal processor. It is what is actually running the show. So when you're watching violent television or interacting with someone and you get a weird feeling, whatever it is, your subconscious is taking stock of everything. So the subconscious is actually what is happening.
• 26:07
  the culprit for your behaviors, for the reason why you say yes when you mean no and become a people pleaser. And that might be because you grew up in a house where if you said no, you would get hurt.
• 26:23
  But you might not consciously be aware of that. The patterns that you've grown or that you've accumulated to as a people pleaser or someone who has a lack of boundary are based on your subconscious programming. Because you've decided as a younger person that I will be safe if I. I will be loved if I.
• 26:44
  That is typically a product of your subconscious mind. You might not have conscious awareness of that memory of the little four-year-old that only is attracted to avoidant love because your mom was avoidant. She didn't give you physical love. She didn't know how to give you physical love or the love that you needed. But you might not consciously be aware of that.
• 27:10
  It might just be the subconscious programming, which is then why you're attracted to the whatever partners that are avoided. That's subconscious programming. Wow. What made you go to people pleaser? Is there a correlation between people pleasers and subconscious repression? A people pleaser is, it's so often just a, what is, a symptom. Like of...
• 27:41
  Yes, a subconscious repression or like in a way, sexual trauma speaks to this. I see so many women who sexualize themselves, particularly because social media, you know, it gives a platform for that. And because, you know, you're sexy, you're attractive, you put out hot pictures. I'm very guilty of a younger version. I mean, because you get a reaction.
• 28:10
  But at the base of that, at the root of that, oftentimes it can be potentially sexual trauma because when you have some sort of assault in your background, and especially if you're younger, if you get attention for your sex, if you will, and that's how you know that you receive love, that's what you're going to do to receive love.
• 28:32
  But this is in the subconscious. Do you think that, you know, 99 percent of the women or 95 percent of the women or men that are sexualizing themselves on the Internet know that that's because they were sexualized as a child or, you know, only told by their parent that they.
• 28:49
  were pretty when they were skinned, whatever it is, it's, it's, everything is rooted in our past. Our past creates our present, which then creates our future. So I can tell you, and you say you're coaching people. When I coach people, when I work with anybody, I can go right to the root of it because until you look at the root of it, you're going to continue creating the same patterns until you interrupt the pattern. And the pattern is a product of your subconscious mind. Amen. That's, that's,
• 29:19
  You just described my life. I will tell you, just as for the people, the women listening, that if you put yourself out there on social media to look sexy and you're getting the thing, you can look at Olivia's social media and she looks stunning and radiant and beautiful.
• 29:40
  more than ever now, fully clothed. Her videos are usually way up in the air and just shares the most beautiful portions of her. And if you're not following her, it's at Liv Young, L-I-V Young, on all social platforms. And she's a warrior, folks. And the vulnerability and authenticity, this is why we connect so much, because that's just what I'll talk about anything, any of my childhood trauma, because
• 30:09
  I channeled it into survival and thriving. So I channeled it for the most part when I got through the drinking. It was very positive. As a matter of fact, when I talk about now –
• 30:22
  in my, I'm so far along on my healing journey that when people ask me questions about it, I start smiling. Cause I was like, yeah, that happened. The reason why I'm a big massive man is because of the savage beatings that my stepfather gave me. I said, that's not going to happen anymore. And then now the first thing you notice about me, big muscles and it opens doors for me that I couldn't have opened if I was an average sized human.
• 30:47
  And I don't know, I have it for you, not to you. And I, like you just said, so grateful for it. I mean, in that, thank you for acknowledging that and such a testament to your strength because I believe we do have to alchemize like whatever pain we are carrying into our power. And also on the other side of that, I feel like you,
• 31:12
  You've harnessed, like I said at the beginning, this duality because you are. You're also just love. You just mush ball and hug. So in that way, just being strong and hard, to me, doesn't allow for the capacity and expansiveness of your potential.
• 31:33
  So it's for me, like I had to be strong and I had to be so strong sometimes. And I'll say this because anyone listening, like I honor you. You know, we don't see ourselves fully. When I think about my journey, it was so painful, like.
• 31:49
  living my life in reverse, I had everything on the external. Come from privilege, grew up in a beautiful, loving home, really hardworking parents, people that only wanted to protect me. I had also become an entrepreneur and created my own success. From the outside, people aspired to be me. On the inside, I was broken. I hated myself. I hated my body. I never felt enough.
• 32:15
  that's the subconscious, right? And I was trying to prove myself worthy and choosing men who didn't choose me because the story that was running was that I was unlovable. So I chose people to prove that to me. But when I think about the warrior mindset of like,
• 32:31
  I was on such a path and so committed to healing that I was willing to go to the depth of my subconscious, to my brain, to my body, to sit with the violence that I had experienced. And so when I think about this idea, this came to me, you know, a year or so ago, I'm fighting, you know, I'm boxing on a bag. And it was like, Olivia, you're not fighting just for you. I was fighting. I am fighting for every single person who doesn't acknowledge healing.
• 33:01
  the capacity of their fight, who doesn't feel strong enough to show up for themselves or to challenge those that they're fighting to say, like, I'm worth it. And even one step further, at first, it was physical to realize that, like, I had been boxing every day for 15 years and it was for not just me.
• 33:22
  And then what I'm doing now and now just starting to step into using my voice that had been taken so long and so silenced this conversation we're having. It's not, it's not about my story. It's not even for me. I'm speaking for everybody who doesn't have a voice because what trauma does, not even sexual trauma, what trauma does is it takes, it takes, it takes, and it takes to leave you empty.
• 33:50
  And it's other people's pain and trauma that is being put on the collective. And if anything, I'm here to say, as I am, like I said, grown up privilege, there was nothing I needed for. There was nothing I didn't have. The only thing I didn't have was the love I always sought and the external validation that I needed to come from within. This is the face of trauma.
• 34:17
  Like, believe it. This is trauma doesn't discriminate, doesn't care where you come from, how much money you have, what you look like. And I had to also understand that the story that I'm sharing, it wasn't, you know, I was raped once when I was six. It was my body was brutalized in the most violent way. And what I've gotten through this idea of source is.
• 34:39
  not just memories and visions of my body being picked up out of a dark alley in college after a brutal attack out of the back of a cab, like the most horrific experiences was that the only reason I am still here because I was saved every single time is to remind others that they are not alone. Because
• 35:07
  I am 37 years old, my whole life I felt alone and I didn't know why. So if I have one purpose in this life, it's to remind each and every single person that has been victim. You're not a victim. You're not a survivor. You're a fucking champion. And I see you, I hear you, I love you. And you're not alone. Was there a part of this that you, when you first started your healing journey that you thought was your fault?
• 35:38
  Back to subconscious. Because I had no conscious memory of any of these things until I started understanding, when you don't, especially because my first memory is five, six years old, when you don't have the conscious awareness of what happened, what you do subconsciously is you blame yourself.
• 35:58
  So that's really like this idea of trauma. It's not what happened to you. It's what happens inside of you as a result, because I had no one to blame. Because again, subconscious, the brain protects us from what we can't handle. So I blame myself. I blame my body. I blame my family. I blame the people that were closest to me because I was in so much pain.
• 36:28
  This is so good. Are you suggesting that if you're blaming yourself for bad things happening in your life, you got to explore deeper? Yes. And I would say just even to take a step back, slow down. Like we are born –
• 36:50
  We are born in love with love. We are not born with a resume. We are not born with an Instagram following. We're not born with perfect weight or size or color, whatever it is. You come out of the womb and it's like everybody is like, oh my God, how beautiful. Look at this beautiful new life. So when we slow down and create space in our life to hear our thoughts, we're
• 37:19
  to feel into our body, we can then see how we respond to everything, not just ourselves, but the people around us. Like trust comes from within, love comes from within. It's really complicated, and I believe it's getting more complicated because we live in a very external society. But if I've come to know one thing to be true, it's no one can give you the love that you seek.
• 37:45
  No one can give you the permission that you need, except yourself. Say it loud and proud, my girl. I gotta tell you, that's the second podcast today that said the same thing. Everything you have, you need, you have inside you. Wow. So I gotta tell you that after every plant medicine ceremony I did, literally the takeaway was always Kelly
• 38:13
  Stop doing and just be. It keeps saying, and I reminded myself, just be. Because safety to me was always doing. So I spent a lot of time, I'm in my Florida house right now, I spent a lot of time here just being. And it's in that time that I'm able to rest, recharge and reload. And I spent the better part of 25 years
• 38:41
  constantly doing and never recharging so it's now I get to really enjoy it so where I was going with this long-winded answer is you said earlier about being ready and ready for you is different from ready from everybody else ready for me was lots and lots of therapy and then
• 39:03
  I went to hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and it was all working. And it was the sum of the whole that finally broke loose. And the final thing was the plant medicine. But it was like you said, somebody called me. You and I were talking about it. And then somebody called me out of the blue, a former podcast guest and said, hey, you mentioned wanting to do ayahuasca. We're having a ceremony. It's much lighter. Do you have plans this weekend? And it was a holiday weekend. I had no plans.
• 39:30
  You know, it's just about the book to go to Florida and talk about it calling you. And I went and unloaded a lot of things, but I didn't just jump right in it. So what I'm getting at, the long winded story is if you're having issues in life, don't just run out and take 5-MEO DMT. Don't take mushrooms. You need to do therapy and at least understand or at least be aware of what your traumas are, who you are, what you're trying to become.
• 40:01
  That's my two seconds. Would you like to expand upon that? Of course. So as you mentioned and gave me this beautiful intro, my name is Olivia Young, and I believe I was blessed with that name. And what I'm building is this idea of Live Young, which I believe is living, being alive. Yeah.
• 40:22
  And I believe to be alive because most of us are existing on autopilot, going through the motions, operating from a place of subconscious, repeating the same habits and patterns, being triggered by the same things and not learning from them because we're just stuck on this wheel. You have to live young to be alive is you have to learn yourself to love yourself. Right.
• 40:46
  And learning yourself requires going into the past, to acknowledge the present, to create the new future. And so I love that you found this way into therapy, et cetera. For the masses, whomever is listening to this, the first step for me is slow down and relax.
• 41:08
  take stock of the thoughts of the internal playlist. Like write down your thoughts, because you can learn a lot about how you speak to yourself. Because we have to reframe and like reprogram the internal playlist, but first we have to see what's on it, right? So in that space, I think it's slowing down. If you can give yourself a space to meditate and listen to your thoughts, beautiful. You don't even have to get to the meditation. First, listen to your thoughts.
• 41:36
  Then journal. So meditating and then journaling to write out your feelings and your thoughts just free write gives you access to the layers and then eventually into the subconscious mind. Therapy is amazing. Someone to reflect you and like sort of, you know, hold you, but not everyone has access to that. What you do have access is to a couple minutes for stillness, for silence, to think, to think,
• 42:06
  potentially create space between the thoughts, write out the thoughts. And if you have any form of spiritual practice, if you believe in this higher power, that which has led you to do the things you've done, same with me, give it to God, like prayer. I firmly believe in my, it wasn't the plant medicine, Kelly. The plant medicine, they were parts of the story that helped me unlock the depth of the wounding I was carrying and what
• 42:35
  I created access to was my heart by slowing down, by not distracting, by not being busy, by not dating, by not drinking, by not doing all of the shit I was doing to numb what was already inside of me. So journal, meditate, prayer of like, just gratitude practice and like, you know, please God show me what I can't see. Show me what I am not seeing.
• 43:04
  Um, and I believe in magic. I just do. I just, cause it's the only thing I know to be true. I believe in magic. She said, you're magic. I don't know where I picked this up, but meditating is listening to God and praying is talking to God. So you need both. And I believe that
• 43:32
  I have a great relationship with God now. That's probably the biggest change you've probably heard in me since the last time we spoke. I just surrendered it aloud. And since I've had a really good dialogue with God, he's been showing his way, his will on me and blessing me in an amazing life.
• 43:53
  And I will speak and ask, I will have specific, how I know it exists and you can think I'm crazy. I know you won't, but the listeners are, is I will ask specific things that are near impossible. Boom. And not in months, not in weeks, it will come in days. And that's the alignment I have with, with, with God. So we're going to go,
• 44:20
  I'm sorry to interrupt you. In my journey, and as I said, I've sort of studied all of these modalities, be it like movement and meditation and journaling. I mentioned that too. And you, you know, the conversation with God for me, I access that too through like writing love letters to God. Because I believe, you know, you're speaking in.
• 44:41
  It's coming through you. You just have to create space for it. But in the journey, and when I say I believe in magic, like I didn't ever do a drug before. And then I'm like smoking toad venom in Janis Joplin's old apartment and going down this Alice in Wonderland crazy journey for three years, like magic. But in that, I also began studying Andean shamanism, working with the plants, holding space for other people, medicine journeys.
• 45:09
  And I would wake up with night visions of like, and I would repeat these phrases that I believe God put in my mind of like, as above, so below, as above, so below. So I think that in my experience, so often we just focus on up and we forget that we are held by Mother Earth. And so back to this balance of the masculine and feminine, you know,
• 45:33
  It's both. We need both this father-like energy and this mother-like nurturing energy of above and below. So I spend a lot of time to feed on the ground, getting grounded, because I've also realized that if we're only looking up, we forget to acknowledge where we are, what we have, like that which is so natural.
• 45:55
  So giving it to God, like as above and so below, I find is an even deeper spiritual alignment, like opportunity. I'm going to tell you, I've never said this out loud, but you just said it. So I'm going to say it. My journaling, my daily journals are me talking to God. I prefer God. What was the thought? What are you trying to teach me? And then.
• 46:21
  it'll become clear later on that day or instantaneously. So my journals are majority of a conversation between me and God. So that's interesting. You have been like literally going right into my, the questions. So I I'm going to clarify a couple of things. I,
• 46:41
  How have you integrated your life coaching into your writing, speaking and brand? And what do you hope to achieve through this holistic approach? You touched on it, but I wanted to specifically, Hanna, because this is about you. I work one on one with people and I'm building out a course because my hope is to be able to
• 47:05
  not access, but be accessible to more than the one-on-one. I find that the things that I talk about so openly, they are not unique to me. So it's how can I serve? If my why is impact, I've been given this deep why that came with so much pain. And I only believe that we only serve what we can handle. So I always say,
• 47:34
  Whatever you're going through, acknowledge you're stronger than the average bear. So you're strong enough to carry it and you're soft enough to let it go. It's just about acknowledging that you can be both.
• 47:48
  And not defining yourself by it. So building out this community, I like to say of self lovers, because, you know, in my journey to I found this deep connection to God. I'm Jewish. I was called to go to church. I've studied, you know, Buddhism, Christianity, like the Hindu goddesses, you know, tying them all together to create an offer that is universal. And the only thing I know how to explain that is, is love. Yeah.
• 48:12
  Because I believe that the only thing that separates us, like, and that can overcome pain is love. So, um, building a community of self lovers, that is a coaching offer that requires like, uh, sort of this self-guided course and then community gatherings that, um, have both access to me in a group setting and also just one-on-one. And then in person, I do held medicine journeys,
• 48:41
  it's a loaded question because it depends how deep you want to go. But in that, like, I do have availability for one-on-one people. It is the work that I have been so blessed by. I believe that we can't take anybody else where we haven't already been. And albeit super painful and really deep, I actually don't know that many people who have gone as deep as I have.
• 49:08
  and who have as much to carry. But as I said, like alchemizing pain into power and then pleasure, because I believe life is meant to be pleasurable in all ways. It's not a competition, but I would probably put myself in that category right there with you. I'm addicted to this stuff. And it's every time I find, you said it earlier, every time I find something dark on the other side of it is, it's,
• 49:36
  something amazingly light and it can help others. So I love to dig deep and I have done, and we've had these conversations and then I'm not done. And I promise you this year, we're gonna get together and do one of these one-on-ones because the energy alone,
• 49:53
  between the two of us, it's just, I love it. You know, it's funny, the intro that they play before the podcast starts, or my podcast starts, says, let's get living. And I took that from Matthew McConaughey. We got to just be living, man. L-I-V-I-N. And that's, for years, live, you got to live, L-I-V-I-N.
• 50:13
  So, again, this question has been answered, but I want it to be specific right here. So many people are struggling with or have struggled with past traumas and personal challenges. What specific advice or strategies do you have for those that are on their own healing journey? We've talked all about it in the whole podcast, but let's just summarize it right now.
• 50:40
  Oof. First I'd say give yourself grace. You are so brave to even acknowledge that you're in pain. It's so easy to distract ourselves. And I find that as I mentioned, like it's in the space between, and I love to ask this question of like, what separates you from God? And it's like the space between what we have and what we want is filled with our excuses. And that can look like work, working out, drinking, drinking,
• 51:07
  food, sexting, swiping, texting, scrolling, like all of that stuff. And so if you're willing to take out the stuff and feel the pain that's underneath, you're already a hero. Because many will not. But
• 51:28
  It is in the pain, as my favorite poet Rumi says, the wound is where the light enters. It is in the pain, it is in the cracks, it is in the mess that we build the mosaic that is our life, that is alive, that is this vitality that we were born with. So in any way, if you're suffering, you're not alone. You never were. Like there's something holding you and potentially guiding you
• 51:54
  in the ways that you need. And maybe it's just this podcast to like book a call and potentially work together or keep listening to Kelly's podcast to find more advice. Like if you're here and you're willing to dig maybe a lot, maybe a little, like beyond just the digging, the acknowledgement that you're hurting is so, so bold. So the grace to know that you're already working on it. Like just trust that you're here.
• 52:23
  Those of you that are listening on Spotify, iTunes, or iHeart, you should head over to YouTube and look at her face when she said that. It was authentic, real deal, and beautiful, of course. Sorry, I kept throwing it in there. I just think the world of you. And I, because I've had my similar experience and I feel you and I do love you.
• 52:50
  As you know, as everybody knows, fitness, physical fitness is literally the foundation of harder than life. It's I start off every day after my gratitude, going to the gym and building this this tough body. So what role does movement and physical activity play in your ongoing healing and self-care routine? It's a non-negotiable like to me, it's.
• 53:17
  To me, the idea of flow through the fight, it's every day for however many years I would lace up my sneakers and take a photo of my feet and acknowledge that the past is in the past. The future is not yet in, you know, it's not in my control. The only thing that I have right now is this moment. So starting where I am. And then once you acknowledge the present so you can get in your body, moving yourself out of the way. So.
• 53:45
  In all of my last three years particularly, I used to just put on my sneakers and run to lose myself. And it worked for a certain extent because I was able to come out of whatever frozen PTSD I was feeling without consciously knowing and move my body. That was my first form of therapy. And now I must ground myself every morning. So meditate, journal, pray before I move.
• 54:10
  So movement is, it's a non-negotiable. It's, you know, not dissimilar. My background originally was French chefs and culinary school and all of that stuff. But I built my own fitness concept. It was the way that I accessed any sort of, or any sentience of
• 54:28
  Feeling was through the body. So if you're not embodied, if you're not cognizant of how you feel, if you're not moving or feeling your heartbeat or taking your breath away or challenging yourself or surprising yourself, you're, what are you doing? Like you're stuck.
• 54:45
  And so like that, if I would say the easiest way to start in any of this, because stillness I find is much more challenging for people because sitting with yourself or I know you don't like this word, but tolerating your own company is really hard, hard. If you are listening to this and you feel stuck, put on your sneakers and move out of your way. That's it. Take a walk. A walk becomes a run, becomes a sprint, becomes a marathon. You have to start where you are. You...
• 55:15
  are the easiest interview I've ever had. Literally, I throw up a golf ball, a softball, and you knock it out of the park. But I specifically asked that question because everybody thinks I'm insane because I work out so hard. But you, I wanted to show the listeners that any kind of movement, and you just showed it beautifully like you do. I want to point out stillness, solitude, and silence are the key to everything. That, I, Stefano Sipidos said to me,
• 55:46
  And he was quoting somebody else that if God wanted to hide the keys to life, he would hide it underneath stillness, solitude and silence because we won't go there. Man will. And that's the key to everything. So for me, that's what the pandemic did to me. I was forced to be alone, to be still and to be silent because nobody was around. So.
• 56:11
  It was on the other end of that. And it was God forcing me to do it because I had so many friends that I would never be alone. And unfortunately that's, that's, that's where it needs to be. You have to face your fears, live your dreams. So can you share some upcoming projects or initiatives that you're working on and that the listeners can look forward to? I'm about to launch this course called live young, learn yourself to love yourself. You know, I say I teach self love, but I,
• 56:42
  that's almost like loaded because to love yourself, you have to be willing to go into the dark to learn yourself. And it is the hero's journey. So stay tuned for this course and the launch of this community. I'm doing one-on-ones. I have a podcast called the live young podcast. I read a sub stack. I host medicine circles.
• 57:07
  What else can I say? Watch your daily stories on Instagram because. Please follow on live young. If you need some inspo and I'll say to Kelly, thank you for having me on. I feel like I've lived so many lives like French chefs in Italy with Anthony Bourdain for 10 days, then started a fitness studio, you know, all of these things. And then went on this really deep healing journey, which was so opposite of my other life. And, um,
• 57:37
  in the ascension of where I am and where I am, I feel called to keep going to share this message. It's the knowing that it's not for me. So thank you for seeing me and honoring me by having me as your guest. And I would say in terms of upcoming projects, it's that if I can, I will be that like Tinkerbell
• 58:05
  Ted Lasso on your shoulders to remind you like that you can, because you already are doing what you are meant to, which might just mean facing your darkest fears and that, uh, only you can set yourself free. Like you are the love that you seek. You are the worth that you seek. You, um, you know, only you can bring yourself back to life.
• 58:28
  I literally said to you, you are the easiest interviewer. That was my last. My final question was what message or inspiration would you leave us? And you just told us. I'm going to deviate for a second because I forgot to ask this. When I said the answers are still in this solitude and silence, last time we spoke you were alone. You were not dating. You were being intentional. You were being alone. Are you still doing that? What's going on in your personal life?
• 59:00
  I feel very open to whatever I'm served. And it's interesting because I also will say to anyone listening, when you clear so much space out in your life.
• 59:11
  you might be able to notice in the stillness that the universe will test you to actually like poke you and see like, have you up leveled? Have you really built that boundary? Are you not going to let that type of person in again? Are you going to repeat those patterns? So there's a lot like of leech energy or like energy.
• 59:33
  old faces from past coming at me or, you know, costumed in different ways. And I feel them, I see them. And I'm like, no, thank you kind of thing, because I believe that we are only serve what we can handle. So the universe is pinging me to see like, if I'm, if I'm ready to up level and like, thank you universe. Thank you, God. I,
• 59:54
  You're funny, but like, no, I'm, so I'm open. But in terms of that question, just to like acknowledge what you're meaning, I committed, really committed after I left a relationship to not date,
• 1:00:09
  And to not even date myself, but to fully marry myself. Because one of my habits from the past was one relationship to the next, seeking this masculine validation and this invisible timeline of get married and have kids and then you'll be happy. And so instead of falling into that cycle again, which both men and women do, all people do.
• 1:00:32
  you know, we think that that's what we need. We need someone else to be happy. I was like, nope, I'm going to like learn myself, sit with myself, love myself, marry myself, tolerate myself sometimes, run from myself other times and like, and still like we're good. And it goes back to that vision and that medicine ceremony. I saw myself in the mirror and for the first time in my life as a 33 year old, I was like,
• 1:00:58
  Olivia, you're beautiful. It was the first time I saw myself in love. And like that started this journey of like always honoring that love, always not even just loving myself, but like choosing myself again and again, because to anyone listening, if you don't choose you fully, no one else is going to choose you fully. Instead, you'll attract someone who doesn't choose themselves fully. And you'll be literally mirroring each other's lack.
• 1:01:26
  You just take these, this has been the best interview I've done because you've taken exactly what I was getting the listeners and go that way. I have to tell you one more thing. I'm Jewish as well. You know this. The listeners know this. But I always tease and say, we're Jesus' people. We're the chosen one. I'm the chosen one. I just joke around. And now I read Conversations with God, and we're all blessed.
• 1:01:55
  all made in God's likeness and image. So now I say that I'm God-like. And I don't say that joking around, I feel God-like. And I will try to make some of the old mistakes and something steps in and keeps it from happening. I will consciously make the mistake, let's open a door to a past ex that is not good for me. And then something will happen, close that door.
• 1:02:23
  You know, you're living in alignment, man, and someone is looking out for you. So when you do the work, people, good things happen. The universe absolutely aligns you. So this is if you listen to live, if you follow live, if you work with live, this is the life that you can that you can look forward to. It's hard work. It's not for everybody.
• 1:02:45
  But I highly suggest it. My dear, I love you. I see you. Thank you for coming on today. I got to remind everybody, please rate and share this podcast. I do my best to respond to all the comments on all social platforms. So if you want to see more or something or less, something...
• 1:02:58
  Leave a comment. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, the National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM for more info. Until next week, be harder than life. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.