Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 41, Season 2: Q&A From Dr. Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services Client and Community Facebook Group

Transcript

Episode 41, Season 2: Q&A From Dr. Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services Client and Community Facebook Group · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the lovedc podcast. I'm your co host Raina
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hnsley, the owner, founder,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: and CEO of the love Doc relationship coaching services. You
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: can find her at the lovedoc dot com or on
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: any social media handle at doctor Sarah Hensley. Hello. Hey,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: we are going to get right into this one, guys,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: because this one's really important and we try to do
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: this once a month where we go into your free
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Facebook clients and community group where you guys put your
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: questions on the wall. We try to monitor as best
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: we can as a team. Even doctor Hinsley goes in
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: and answers questions.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: There are a lot of questions you do.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I was in there the other night answer and some
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: and I was like, doctor Hensley's been in here doing
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: the dang thing.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I have to. Yeah, I try to. Just there's like
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: a twenty or more day, I mean maybe more than that.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: There's so many I can't get to all of them, guys,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: but I do my best.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: But it's also wonderful because you have the support of
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: the other people in the group.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, And honestly, some of the advice is really great.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: Some of it's not.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, some of it's not.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: Some very unhealed people chime in, but yeah, use discernment.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Use discernment. That's right. So we're just gonna just dive
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: right in. I'm kind of gonna start at the top
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: and go with some of the shorter ones. Okay, I'm
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: not going to get into any of the long ones,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: so it might take me a while. We'll try to
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: fill in the space here. So first question, our das
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: typically liars. My husband lies literally about every miniscule thing,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: even unimportant things.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: It is something that I've seen. I would not say
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: that all das are liars, but lying is something that
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: they can do, and it is a subconscious defense mechanism
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: to avoid conflict. So they are so internally and subconsciously
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: scared of conflict that would rather lie than do anything
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: to have a conflict with you. And again that is
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: not all of them. But do I see it often
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: enough that I can say, yeah, it's a thing, it's
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: a thing.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Yeap. This one's interesting. Someone mentioned missing validation from a parent.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: What type of validation does this refer to? Like approval? No,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: so what does that mean?
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: I don't love the word validation only because we misconstrue
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: it as agreement. To me, validation can be done through understanding,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: and the understanding is a much bigger part of the
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: construct of attunement than agreement. It's hey, I see you,
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: and I understand what you're experiencing, and I'm here with
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: you through it. That is what we have to give
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: our children, and that sometimes it comes still with a boundary,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: it does. I tell people the secret with kids is
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: validation through understanding. You know, with the you know all
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: the things that a tument gives you, but that piece
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: of a tument really being important, stating your boundary and
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: then holding your boundary. You can say, hey, baby, I
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: understand that not getting what you want right now is
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: super frustrating. I can understand and I see how much
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: you really want X y Z and why that would
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: feel good to you, and I want you to know
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: I get it and it's not going to happen right
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: now for X y Z reasons. And at the end
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: of the day, I'm the parent and I have more
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: life experience than you, so and I shouldn't have to
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: explain that. I should just have to say, I hear you,
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I see you, I get why you feel the way
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: you do. And at the end of the day, MY
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: job is to make sure that you grow up to
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: be a good person and to have the right life skills.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: And so I have to make the ultimate decision of
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: what you get to do and what you don't get
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: to do. Yeah, yeah, and then you have to hold
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: that because what kids will do is they will wear
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: you down. They will wear you down until you want.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: To cave till you break guilty.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: So you can't break guilty.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: What fearful avoidance or dismissive avoidance be more apt to
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: say they want to and will do something, but then
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: not do it. Have a disparity in words and actions basically.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: Okay, yes, dismissive avoidance being the biggest defenders here. And
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: why does this happen Because in the moment of conflict,
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: if someone is more on the avoidance side, and again
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: that's why I say DA's more so than fas because
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: they're further usually down on that avoidance side. They are
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: not processing what you are saying. They are likely fawning,
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: which is a nervous system collapse into both fight flight
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: being activated and then the dorsal veigel activation. So it's
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: a collapsing of the nervous system in this blended state
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: where it's not safe to run, it's not safe to fight.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: All that feels safe right now is going, okay, you're right.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: And then when that conversation is over, the nervous system,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: by default goes back to old patterns. Because it takes
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: capacity to change behavior, it takes capacity in regulating your
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: default responses. This is what ego depletion and nervous system
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: regulation really means. Regulation is about overriding your default and
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: choosing something different. But that is not as easy as
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: it sounds. It sounds like, oh, I should do A,
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: So I'm just going to go do A. But when
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: everything on the most fundamental, primal level inside of you
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: is screaming to do B, it takes capacity to override
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: that and tools of of reconditioning the nervous system to
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: not take those default pathways to go over and do A.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: So essentially, and then when people do change for a
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: short period of time, they're just white knuckling it. They're
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: just forcing their way over to do A instead of
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: doing BEAT. And then it doesn't last.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: And don't you think that a lot of times like
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: DA's like they just forget because what this is saying
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: here is that there's a disparity in words and action.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Yea.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: So they're saying like they might be in a fight
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: with you and say, you know, yes, let's revisit this,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and then they never do because they're in such a
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: triggered response they don't even remember that they said that
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: they would revisit it.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's less like total forgetting and more dissociation
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: from it.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: So then they go back into suppression and dissociation mode. Right.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: So it's like, that was painful. I don't like that.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: My mind has to stay away from that. I have
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: to be disconnected from that. So what can I keep
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: my mind busy with? And this is not conscious. They're
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: not going you know, I really don't want to think
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: about that fight. So I'm just gonna I think, go
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: over here and like do a little bit of work.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: That's not what is happening. Their brain is just like, okay,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: well I gotta get some work done.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: That's over.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's they have no idea the subconscious process going
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: on underneath.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: No.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: So yeah, it's a thing.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: So many of these questions kind of repeat.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: Try to find it, try to find a new one.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a question about how to set boundaries.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: Okay, let's talk about that.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Christ I have a question about how to set boundaries
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: when someone with dismissive avoidance or leaning dismissive withdrawals mentally,
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: but is there physically? Okay? Is It is something that's
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: puzzled me for a long time because it's so difficult
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: to point out.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Because they're checked out, they're suppressed, they're dissociated. It's like
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: they're there, but they're not there.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: And of course they're going to seek physical connection because
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: it's a it's a form of connection.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: It's what feels safest.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, which is interesting because and I know you've talked
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: about this before, but sometimes sometimes the DA will want
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: the physical connection because it's the only way they know
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: how to get connection. And then sometimes they'll back away
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: from it even more, which I know happens a lot
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: more maybe with the female, it.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: With the females, And that is a gender correlate, it's
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: a gender.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Corel and a very few that happens in attachment. Yeah,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: so boundaries, how do you set boundaries there?
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: H Well, first, you start a conversation when it's a
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: good time, and I love to use the phrase with
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: dismissive avoidance, Hey, can I run something by you real quick?
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Because it makes it seem like if the defenses come down, Oh,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: this isn't going to be like the talk. And then
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: you start by asking for what you need instead of
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: telling them what they did wrong, because again you got
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: to bypass the deffectiveness wound and listen if what I'm
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: saying makes you think you have to walk on eggshells.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: Relationships are always optional. They're optional, but you're you've got
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: what you're working with.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: This is what you're working with, right, So there's no
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: magic wand and so you can say, Hey, what I
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: think I would really love is if we had some
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: quality like connected time, you know, where we can just
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: like chat and just kind of reconnect and go for
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: a wal book. Yeah, but you have to you have
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: to use the language of you know, just where we
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: can kind of pay attention to each other. I know
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: we've been and I like to use Wii. We've been
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: really distracted, you know, with work or you know there's
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: been a lot of distractions. Don't say you've been very distracted,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: say there's been distractions, and you know, I think it
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: would feel really great just to connect with you, and
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: can we carve out some of that time this week?
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: So before we start throwing boundaries around, we ask first
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: with out criticism, because you don't believe how many people
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: think that they're being non critical and they're being totally critical,
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: and so you ask for that, and you ask for
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: it in the short term. Can we do it this week?
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: You're releasing them from long term expectation, you're not criticizing,
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: and most of the time they take that very very well,
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: and they'll be like, yeah, Okay, what do you wanna do?
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: And then you know you're gonna get your need met
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: that week, and then you just kind of try to
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: ask for it more frequently and then make it. There
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: are creatures of habit, so you can usher them along
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: in creating it a habit in your relationship. But you
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: have to do it without criticism, and you have to
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: do it without you have to change this and it
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: must be all the time, and you must do it
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: this way.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: And why are you x y z? Why are you
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: always avoid me? Why do you why do you? Why
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: do you?
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: Why do you? Ye yep exactly, and then say like
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: if they don't do it, they said they're going to
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: carve out the time that week. It doesn't happen. Then
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: you go in and you say, hey, I noticed that
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: we had made plans to carve out this time and
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: it didn't happen. And that's really important to me, and
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: I just want you to know that it's a deep
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: need of mind to follow through on those things. And
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: so I think, because it didn't happen, I need to
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: just take some time to myself to sort of process
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: not having that need met and what it means for
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: me and what it means for our relationship. And so
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: when you're ready to kind of have a conversation around
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: how we can have this need met and how we
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: can carve out this time, please let me know. Please
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: come find me, because I just want to have that conversation.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: And again, we don't have to be super critical if
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: they don't seek. So that's a level one boundary where
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: we just are taking a break from a situation and
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: we kind of see are they going to come up
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: to the plate and remedy it. If they don't, then
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: that's just another layer of avoidance that we're butting up against.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: And then it's time for a more serious boundary. Which
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: is level two. And that's when you go, hey, I
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: noticed you know, you never came back around to have
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: this conversation. And we haven't connected in a few days, right,
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: so level one might be a few days. I think
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: this shines some light on a deeper issue that we
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: have here in this relationship around connection. And so I'm
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: going to be taking a little bit more space for myself.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: And here's what it's going to look like, and you
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: lay it out, and then you say, and the longer
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: I have to stay in the space, I'm not gonna lie,
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: I think, the more I'm going to have to rethink
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: whether or not this is a relationship I can stay in.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: So I really would love to have this conversation and
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: not have any kind of critical conversation or blame, but
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: just make sure that we're on the same page. But
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: I need you and need you to be the one
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: to initiate it, because I need to know you're ready
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: to really have it, and then you can stay there
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: for six months. But there's an escalator there into if
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: you're in a boundary level too, where you are removing
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: a lot of your access and you need to tell
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: them what access you're removing. And rules of re engagement,
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: and I cover all that in the hybrid corese. Then
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: it's time to maybe conceive or your exit and planning
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: that exit. There's the escalator from level two to level three.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Level three is ending the relationship.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I always like talking about boundaries because the way
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: that you express them. Gosh, if only the whole world
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: could operate from that space, which is, again we aren't
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: taking lightly a difficult thing to do, very difficult.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: Its reject regulated and resourced nervous system to be able
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: to stay in a boundary space. And we have talked
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: about why poorly held boundaries are worse than no boundary
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: at all, because poorly held boundaries actually reinforce the bad behavior.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Right if your two year old is banging the remote
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: control on a table and you take the remote away
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: and say you can't have the remote because you don't
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: play with it nicely, and then they double down on
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: their bad behavior. Maybe it's a tantrum. They throw themselves
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: on the floor and kick and scream, and then you
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: hand it back to them and say, okay, fine, just
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: take it. I can't deal with this. You've taught that
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: toddler to escalate distress to get what they want. You
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: can teach unknowingly an avoidant person to escalate their level
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: of avoidance, to double down on their avoidance, to try
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: to get you to cave, so you cave, and they
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: didn't have to do any hard work for you to cave.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: All they had to do was a little bit more
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: of what they know. That is a massive mistake. And
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: so if your nervous system is not equipped to hold boundaries,
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: you can really mess things up with poorly held boundaries.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: It's just it's just principles of conditioning. It's psychology when
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: I want it's BF skinner, it's operant conditioning well.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: And I think that's why it's so important for specifically
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: the FADA dynamic or even the APDA dynamic. Just the
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: more anxious and then the more avoidant that do come
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: into your program to come in. It's not the most
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: important thing to do it together, but when you do
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: it together and you really understand internally the other person's
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: point of view, it allows you to not to mention
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: the other tools that you teach around metacognition and taking
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: control of your own thoughts and challenging those thoughts, but
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: it really allows you and conditions you to step back
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: in those moments so that you can be more compassionate
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: in setting your boundaries.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and having a regulated nervous system. When your nervous
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: system is dysregulated, empathy, compassion, mindfulness, openness, curiosity, the desire
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: to really deeply connect, those all go away, Yeah, because
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: those things wouldn't benefit your immediate survival if there was
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: a grizzly bear standing at your door, right, You're not
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: going to be open and compassionate and empathetic with a
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: grizzly bear. So without a well regulated nervous system, you
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: won't hold boundaries, you won't be able to access your compassion.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: And that is why it is just so key. And
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: you have to know what it takes to really be
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: able to stabilize and resource your nervouses some long term
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: which is largely based around true emotional processing, but and
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: it takes other things. It takes does take time.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: It's like a muscle that you're trying to work out
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: and and make stronger. This is a this is more
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: like a feedback question than I want to share with
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: our listeners, because I there was some really really great feedback.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: So this question just says my DA partner is willing
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: to do the program. Yay, but I'm curious before I
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: sign up. I don't want it to backfire and cause
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: more damage. Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences? And
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: there's so much great feedback here. Then my partner and
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: I recently purchased the course and my my DA husband
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: is doing it when we learned. When he learned about
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: what a DA is, he felt very intrigued and almost
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: seemed relieved. And I know you see that a lot with.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like, oh, I haven't been able to ever
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: describe to somebody like what I experience these again, those
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: connections around emotions and vulnerability and verbalization, it's just not there.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. This person said, we tried couples counseling and
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: individual therapy. This program worked way better and my DA
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: was way more successful with it. Totally changed. Man, that's amazing.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: Yay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I love the feedback
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: that's always no backfires whatsoever.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: Highly recommend. And then somebody said, I'm doing it so
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: low as a fearful avoidant. I see merit in every
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: single person in the world doing this program. Oh wow,
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: I was an anonymous person. That's really beautiful.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, I agree with that. I see merit in
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: every person. I mean, I've said that so many times
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: because whether you're single, whether you're in a marriage, or
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: whether you're in a relationship, whether you're dating, wherever you
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: are in life, learning to have a more regulated nervous
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: system is going to serve you well in every capacity
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: of your life and business, in your job, with your children,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: you know, with your siblings, with your parents. I mean,
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: it's with any relationship you have, and I mean we
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: have relationship with everything.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a relationship with everything, and it just.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: Gives you just such a deep understanding of your wounds
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: and how you operate and how to navigate it and
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: then how to navigate how to change it, and how
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: to change it more importantly, how to change it. So okay,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: So that was thank you ever for everyone who chimed
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: in on that, because that really, I mean, nothing helps
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: us more than your positive feedback if you've actually gone
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: through the program. Let me look here.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's hard, guys. There's like people that write ten paragraphs,
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: so yeah, and I can't you have to skip over
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: those in the Q and a.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: S Okay, let me look here, Okay, Can you can
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: anyone help me calm my nervous system and help me
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: combat some gas lighting that's going on in my house.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Can we formulate some really good, working definitions of what
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: constitutes verbal abuse and emotional abuse. This is just for
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: my own peace of mind, Okay.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: To me, verbal abuse is yelling at me, cursing at me,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: calling me names in any way showing aggression. Emotional abuse
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: would be weaponizing intimate or sensitive things that you have
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: said to that person and them trying to induce shame
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: in you, or trying to blackmail you. Anything that is
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: coursively controlling, trying to force someone to do something that
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: they don't want to do. That's emotional abuse, and trying
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: to play on their emotions in order to accomplish that,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: so using a lot of guilt or a lot of shame,
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: threatening to expose people for some of their weaknesses. Triangulation,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: which would be bringing in a third party that's not
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: a neutral third party, so bringing in a family member
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: or friend, you know, talking to other people about your relationship,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: trying to be like, well, someone so agrees with me
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: that I'm right and you're wrong. Okay, that's triangulation. So
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: those are just a handful of things that we need
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: to be aware of. And people love to throw around
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: the term gaslighting, and oftentimes what is happening instead of
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: gaslighting is that two people just have very different experiences
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: and their attention systems were attending to different parts of
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: that experience. So somebody was focused on tone while the
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: other person was focused on what was actually said. That's
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: an example of like, you meant it this way, but no,
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: that's not what I said. No, you're gaslighting me because
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: I interpreted your tone and you did this. Well, maybe
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: your filter, like a fearful avoidant, might hear something that's
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: not passive aggressive as passive aggressive because their filter is
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: for betrayal. So if there's a tinge of frustration, they're
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: gonna be like, oh, you said it, you were mean,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: you were this right, just like if the DA hears
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: a tinge of criticism, it's like, you're attacking me. And
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: so a lot of what people call gas lighting is
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: really just two people having very different perceptions of what's
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: going on. True gaslighting is when you know for a
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: fact something happened or did not happen, and that person
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: is trying to tell you otherwise. So when I found
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: out that my ex husband, my first husband, was cheating
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: on me, and that was like the last affair that
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: initiated the divorce. I read the message about them being
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: in a relationship and about how guilty she was feeling
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: about it, and how maybe they needed to cut the
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: relationship off, and then he wanted to tell me that
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: is not what I read, and I'm like, I have it.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: I screenshoted it and emailed it to myself. It is
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: it is here, these are the words, and I swear
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: that man denied it and denied it and denied it.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: That is gaslighting. Yeah, that's like walking into your bedroom
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: and catching your spouse having sex with somebody else and
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: the like. That's not what we were doing.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: We so we just I was just checking for melanoma.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: This is a good one that I'm also very curious about.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: How do you how do you feel in this case you,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: doctor Hensley about e M d R.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: I think it's a fantastic tool. It's very efficacious for
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: true PTSD, so true shock traumas very efficacious for shock trauma.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: For people who don't know what EMDR stands for, tell.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: Them EMDR is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. So when
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: we have rem sleep, which is our dreaming state, that
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: is where memories are encoded, processed, stored. So that is
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: literally when the brain goes, okay, we've had all the
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: stimulus information come in today. What do we need to remember? Okay?
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: This is why dreaming is so important. This is why
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: if you are so sleep deprived that you haven't dreamt
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: in a while, you'll hallucinate because your brain has to
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: start encoding and getting rid of stuff. And so in
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: that process of encoding, there's a way that emotions are
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: sort of attached to that memory, and so every time
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: you recall, there comes an emotional experience with that. And
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: when we've had shock traumas, that emdr allows the separation
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: of the memory from the emotion, so you can recall
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: without having to relive sort of traumatic emotional responses in
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: the body. It is less efficacious for more complex trauma,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: which is sort of like more severe relational traumas or
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: ongoing traumas. It can still have some efficacy, it's just
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: the data isn't as robust, and so I think it
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: is a great, great tool. I would never discourage anybody
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: from trying it. It does not have a severe side
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: effect profile, So it seems too if it's not going
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: to work for you, it's just not going to work.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: It's not usually one of those things that causes further issues. However,
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: there is an important emphasis that I want to sort
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: of make here again about if you listen to that
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: last episode when you're bringing up your trauma, you have
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: to bring up your trauma to do the work. So
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: if you don't have someone that can help stabilize you
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: and ground you and is effective at that cannot maybe
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: make you worse in the moment. Yeah, yeah, but it's
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: not a result of the eye movements. It's a result
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: of your own you know, bringing up your own trauma
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: in the moment and without having someone knowledgeable enough to
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: ground you through that, bringing up that experience.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: Definitely, Yeah, I have a trained professional.
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: This is a good one. And we get this question
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: a lot, so it's always worth re mentioning what are
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: some ways that worked for you in presenting the idea
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: of attachment style to your avoidant partner. This is like
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: we get this question or any other question.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: It is the most common question. You have to approach
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: it from an intellectually curious space. You have to be like, hey,
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: I came across this information, this science that like really
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: intrigued me, and I'm curious what you think about it.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: You don't want to go I've read about attachment styles.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: I think you're a da I think this is why
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: our relationship sucks, and you need this help. So we
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: need to do doctor Hensley's program. Yeah, oh my goodness.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: And here comes their shut down and the defensiveness. I'm
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: curious what you think about it. We use the word think,
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: not feel. They feel is a word that triggers them.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: Think what do you think about it? And here's the
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: different attachment styles. Apparently this is really solid science. I
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: think I know what mine is. Yeah, well, do you
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: see yourself in any of these? And a lot of times,
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: I would say the majority of the time that they go, oh,
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: I think I'm more of that dismissive avoidant. But then
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: a lot of times they're just like, Okay, well then
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: it looks like we're not compatible, because that's what they're
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: trying to convince themselves anyway. So you have to come up.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: You have to speak their language, which is I think
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: this can help us have more peace and harmony. That's
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: our biggest need, the deepest need, is for peace and harmony.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: And when you say that, they perk up. What do
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: you mean we can have more peace? What do you
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: mean we're going to fight us?
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's just education. And then you frame it as
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: this is an educational journey, because ultimately, coaching is an educational.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Journey, very prescriptive.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: It's very prescriptive, it's very logical, and then you have
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: to go out and practice what I teach you.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: Right right, let me find another short one. Guys, this
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: is good, I know. Doctor Hinsley says. The online attachment
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: quizzes are are bogus science. She says bunk. Yeah, she says,
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: she's a bunk. That's my favorite word. I've taken a
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: few of them and am skeptical myself. That being said,
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: are there any online quizzes that any of you have
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: found reliable? No? Wow?
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Can you know? The reliability and validity is a statistical.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: Assertion, not one that exists.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: It's a scientific assessment, like you have to use the
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: correct scientific steps, Like I could rattle off all day,
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: like well, what's the kronbox alpha in the in those measures?
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: Like what are the inter item correlations. What's the construct validity,
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: what's the content validity, what's the divergent validity, what's the
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: convergent validity. These are all terms that come from the
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: science of assessment.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: She's working on again, I'm trying. Yeah, it's just gonna
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: be a minute.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: Stop putting quizzes online. Quizzes are bogus. They measure nothing, nothing,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: your idea. People come to my practice and say it
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: said I was secure. Yeah, because it's reporting bias. You
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: didn't admit to your avoidance, because it didn't ask you
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: in a way that could accurately capture it without you
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: malingering through it. Like assessments catch malingering, they catch your
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: ability to lie. And that's why we ask different types
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: of questions in different types of ways, so that we
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: can look at the consistency of your answers across those questions,
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: and when we see inconsistency, we're like, ooh, self report bias,
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: and then we have to adjust the score for that.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Makes sense. This one's good, And I'm.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: Sorry that makes me want to like scream into a pillow. No,
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: I'm amusing my terrors right now. I feel it in
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: my body. I feel at my chest.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there are certain things that you again you need
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: to get on your soapbox about.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: Because that's last episode was just about that. So I'm
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: not gonna I'm not gonna go through it again.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're about protecting people. This is interesting because this
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: is from a DA. I'm going through my healing journey
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: and adjusting from being a DA. But my wife is
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: not seeing the changed. But my therapist has been really
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: amazed at how much I've changed, and I've been able
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: to be a lot more open and honest. Still getting
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: triggered when having conversations with my wife, but I'm working
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: at it each day, but she's not seeing the change.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Is there anything I can say or do to show
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: her that I am trying even in the changes, even
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: if the changes have been slow.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: Okay, again, we're dealing with somebody in therapy, and therapists
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: often can sometimes elicit a little more openness. But he
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: just gave himself away in that conversation. I can do
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: it in front of my therapist, but I can't do
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: it with my wife. So that is why she's not
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: seeing change. The person told on themselves, right, and so
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: you have to be able to transfer that skill over
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: to high stakes intimate partner and recognizing that your nervous
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: system in the presence of your partner isn't allowing those
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: functions to come online. So it's not about what you
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: can say, it's about putting more work into what truly
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: resolves that nervous system dysfunction, which is deep, true complete
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: emotional processing with condition safety, and you have to have
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: the tools to be able to start having those cycles
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: in a safe way. Again, this is where window of
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: tolerance comes in. And please go listen to last episode.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: It's so important because it is a slow exposure, but
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: it has to be repeated exposure, and there's just probably
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: not been enough exposure, if any at all, to the
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: real regulating strategies. And so there's so much that comes
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: between awareness and execution. And it sounds like that person
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: may just be stuck in an awareness stage that allows
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: them to feel comfortable with their therapists. But therapist isn't
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: high stakes intimate partner. Nervous system isn't going to respond
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: to therapists alone the same way it would respond to
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: sitting next to the high stakes partner that is the
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: true trigger.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and again shameless plug here. I think this is
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: why your program is so effective for these people stuck
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: in these dynamics, this anxious, more avoidant trap that they
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: get stuck in, because when you're able to go through
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: the program together and internally learn the other partner's point
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: of view, then you understand one key point about the
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: DA which is they thought all slowly slow thaw and
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: they're I mean, they've been in this frozen state for
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: so long, so change doesn't happen overnight. And so that
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: when you can recognize that and understand that, then you
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: can see those micro moments and acknowledge them.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: And positively reinforce them and be like, wow, I saw that.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: That was really hard that you opened up about that,
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: but I really appreciate that, and like, thank you for
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: being brave and doing that, yes, instead of picking apart
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: what they said. And it is such an f a tendency.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: And then our Legacy program, which if you don't know
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: what legacy is, Legacy is a continuation program after group.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: So it's just the ability to continue to meet with
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: me once a month and get access to everything that
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: I have to offer and be in the legacy community
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: of people who are really dedicated to healing, and so
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: many more benefits. But I had somebody in the legacy
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: group the other day who just went, oh my gosh,
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: doctor Hensley, I just made a huge mistake, Like my
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: DA partner was really making progress. And then we had
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: a little bit of a you know, had a fight
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: and there were some of the old tendencies that came back,
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: even though it wasn't as bad as it was before.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: Just I got so retriggered by that and then I
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: just went total FA. I went total fa. You can't
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: do this. You're not going to change. This isn't And
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: it was like they had been out of the program
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: like a month, and it was like, I wouldn't it
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: wouldn't expect perfection at this point, right would I would
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: take those little winds, and then can you come back
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: after that and use the rules of conflict resolution and
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: then actually repair it with the conflict plan that I
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: give you, And then it's not about did it happen?
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: It's about can you catch it corrected and then repair it.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: But she went down her old pathways again, right, So
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: it was like he's he messed up first, then she
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: messed up, right, So it's there has to be some grace,
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: There has to be knowledge, and I go in very
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: in depth of what healing really looks like and how
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: it does look like backsliding and then making more momentum
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: and then catching and correcting, and and then just slowly
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: over time getting it right more often than not.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: This is a good one. If we can only invest
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: one person to do the program, who should we start
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: with the DA or the anxious? I want to make
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: sure that everybody knows this first. If you buy the
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: Hybrid group program, the first seat for doctor Hensley is
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: fifteen ninety nine. Elizabeth it is eight ninety nine, but
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: to add your partner, it's only two forty nine for
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: Doctor Hinsley and one ninety nine for Coach Elizabeth. So
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: the add your partner seat and it's easy to miss
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: on the checkout page. Just we're working on all this, guys,
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: to make this way.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: And we didn't know how to build a website.
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: We are making this. We're elevating this year to make
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: it all make better sense. But the add your partner
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: seat is a way lower, and that's not going.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: To charge you for two full seats. You're going to
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: show up on camera together, and probably.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: It does give them individual access though, which is important
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: because you're paid in going through the self pace coaching
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: program that comes along with the hybrid group maybe different, right,
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: So you.
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: You want to know what module you ended on?
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to make it through you know, chapter
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: one and you know an hour and the other one
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: it might take them two hours. So I just want
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: to say that first and foremost. But if you did
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: even couldn't you know, if you can't even afford that
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: second you know, lower price point, you know, I'm going
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: to let you answer this. Yeah, there you go, There
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: you go.
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: Because they need more intervention. Yeah, they need more intervention,
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: and they take slower to thaw. They takes slower to
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: make changes, So why not get them started and then
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: when you start later it you'll catch up to them. Yeah,
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: let's pick one more. Okay, we have to make this
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: a shorter episode unfortunately, because we're we're on a little
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: bit of a time brunch today.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: This is her birthday is coming up? Do I text
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: her DA best friend and I had a major fallout.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: Long story short, She tried to use me for money
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: and I blew up at her and really betrayed her.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: She shut down for over four months. I got one
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: vague apology text from her on my birthday, but that
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: was it. Finally, after four months of silence, I had
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: to end the friendship because my nervous system couldn't take it.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: But now mutual friends are telling me that she wished
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: that we had talked it out, which is crazy because
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: I had to beg her to talk to me in
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: the beginning. Her birthday is coming up next month. Do
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: I reach out with an olive branch or just move on?
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: This is so interesting. I love this question because it's
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: about friendship and it's proof that attachment spans all relationships.
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: It does. It's usually much milder, and it is let's
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: just like put that cave out there that it's usually
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: much much much milder in friendships. Yes, if at all
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: like it. Some people are like mildly and secure and
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: so it's not going to show up in friendships. But
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: if it's like that sounds like a severity A maybe
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: you know this is a tough one. If it was
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: a romantic partner, I would say let it go. But
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: obviously this person has influence, unting your nervous system to
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: the degree that somebody who you're more romantically involved with
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: might it's already been enough time. Just stay moved on.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: I would say, let it go.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: That would be my advice.
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: Go and you outgrow people.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: You do. I mean, this happened to both of us,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: This has happened to Yeah, we're not unique in this.
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: This happens to tons of people.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: You do.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: You you know, some friendships, I'm commenced, just have seasons
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: and they serve the purpose for that season, and then
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: you do outgrow them and it's okay, and you can
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: still love them and support them from a distance. I mean,
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: I have a friend that we were best friends for,
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: you know, thirteen years, and there was so much of
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: a like trauma bond there and I still love her deeply,
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: so deeply and want nothing but wonderful things for her.
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: But I don't. I have no desire to repair the friendship.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: I just I just don't because we've we we're not
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: the same people.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: No, and I think it's probably not gonna go. Well, no,
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: you reopen that door. No, Sometimes you just if you've
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: made it four months without that person, that's.
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: Long enough, long enough.
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just move forward, like, don't don't reopen the wounds there.
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: I think sometimes we're just meant people are meant to
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: show themselves out the door. Yeah, they're meant to.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: This is a very I want to end with this
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: one cause it's it's about the program again. So and
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: I love these questions because it teaches me where we
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: can do better and explanation on the website. So this
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: question is the only difference between the self paced program
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: and the hybrid group the four zoom calls where you
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: can ask questions, but I want you to go more
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: in to depth about what those four calls. The short
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: answer is yes, but the calls aren't just for questions.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: They're more than that.
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, They're for my ability to attune to you to
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: understand your nervous system. I can tell a lot about
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: your nervous system when you're talking to me. I can
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: hear the shake in your voice, or I can hear
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: your flat affect. I can hear the urgency or the anxiety.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: I can look at your mannerisms. I can slow things down.
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: I can help you identify things that you may have
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: said that we need to dig a little bit deeper on.
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: I can. I can do a lot with attunement. And
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: then you learn from other people's questions. And I think
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: that is one of the biggest things that people don't
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: realize when you're looking for support, the strength of community.
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: Support is actually a moderating factor in how long you live.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: Like community community. If you look at like what do
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: they call them sententarians, where they people that live over
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: one hundred. One of the strongest factors that they all
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: share is that they have big We're talking about these support.
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: It's called the Blue zones and it's the top five
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: places in the world who produce that's in quotations for
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: people just listening, the people who live the longest. And
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: the number one factor that all had in common was
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: that these people had a strong sense of community.
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, and I think people greatly underestimate what that feeling
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: of community does for your nervous system. It goes I
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: am not alone, This is not catastrophic. This is actually common,
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: and there are real solutions and other people's insights could
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: be your light ball moment. Your lightball moment might not
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: come from me, It might come from somebody else. Yeah,
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: that's sharing their experience. People will go, oh, you know,
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: I've been practicing this tool and here's what I felt,
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: and here's what happened for me. And then somebody had
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: that same experience and they're like, oh my gosh, me too.
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: I always think of the me Too movement and how
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: powerful it was, you know. I mean, obviously there was
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: probably not one hundred percent validity in at all, which
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: is worth saying, but you know, it was a powerful
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: movement because for the first time people were being like, oh, yeah,
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: me too, that happened to me too, That happened to
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: me too. And it was giving you know, specifically in
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: this case women, but men too, the power in their voice.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: You know, just voice is so powerful because speaking is
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: where resentment dies. Speaking up is where resentment dies and
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: forgiveness begins. Agreed, And I think we greatly underestimate what
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: being in a community of like minded people. And they're
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: all different races, religions, ethnic backgrounds, people from all over
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: the world participate in this program because if you have
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: any sexual yeah, sexual orientation, yeah, I mean the list
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: goes on, but like minded. In terms of healing and
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: experiencing similar relational patterns and dynamics, humans are highly predictable,
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: very much, and relationship patterns are highly predictable. There's only
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: like six total patterns that we see in relation chips. Yeah,
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: I believe it or not. Yeah, it can be narrowed
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: down that much.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: People actually think you're psychic, but you just know human
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: behavior there.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what I got my doctorate in.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: But I think people greatly underestimate. They're like scared of
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: the group, but then they realize, oh my gosh, this
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: is such a powerful place changing and a loving place
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: and a supportive place, and a place where I don't
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: just learn from myself and my own questions or from
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: doctor Hensley. I learned from everybody.
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and that is powerful. It's very powerful. And
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: hopefully these episodes are powerful, right, I mean that's why
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: we do them, Guys.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: I want them to be. I know, not everybody is
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: going to join my program, and that's okay, Yeah, I
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: want you to do.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: The process is enough, like and we listen for some people.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: We love doing this. We love doing this and if
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: this is you know enough for you, like every week,
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: I know we have some people that tune in every
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: week and listen, and we love you so much. And
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: do you know, maybe you never do fully pull the
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: trigger and sign up for the group or by the course,
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: and that's okay.
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: We're not here to sell you something no, we're just
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: here to teach. Yeah, we're here to teach, and I
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: think we'd be dumb if we didn't explain what we
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: did for a living. But we just want you to
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: be okay the end of the day. I want you
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: to learn to love yourself and others in a way
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: that you'd be proud of, a way that God will
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: be proud of, a way that you can feel confident in.
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: I want you to be able to move forward in
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: your life, being able to move through pain. Because life
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: does come with suffering. You're not immune to it. You'll
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: never be immune to it. The only way out is through,
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: and I want to give you a roadmap that can
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: bring you through it in a way that keeps your
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: dignity and respect and in a way that helps it
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: feel manageable, and that can bring you more resilience as
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: a result of that suffering and more, not less.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: Joy, I think is one thing that I mean, I'm
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: convinced joy is the secret to life. I mean, it's
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: the secret to.
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: The joy only happens with regulation and safety. It's not
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: something we can't access without safety inside of our nervous system.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. So if you are interested, please go
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: check out doctor Hensley at the loovedoc dot com or
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: on any of her social media handles at doctor Sarah Hensley.
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: Please continue to tune in, like, follow, leave us a review.
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: If you have gone through the hybrid group program, please
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: reach out to me personally at Raina at thelovedoc dot
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: com and if you're interested in leaving a video testimony,
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: we will give you a ten percent off code for
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: an individual coaching session with either Coach Elizabeth or Coach
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: Amy because we want your feedback. We appreciate your feedback.
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: We appreciate it so much, good, bad, ugly, what else?
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: Yes, we'll take it. We will take it all. Continue
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: to tune in and until next time, peace, love and
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: perspective