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A Journey from the Brink of Suicide to Mental Wellness with Amanda Webster · Authentic Living

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Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
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things that really matter in our lives.
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And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
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Everyone, it's Roxanne Durgesh.
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I'm authenticating with Roxanne.
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Thanks for tuning in again this week.
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Today, I have a guest, that brings us a lot of expertise in, mental well-being.
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So it's Amanda Webster.
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Thanks so much for coming on with us today.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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It's an honor.
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So Amanda's gotta has has, quite the path, and I think her story is gonna inspire so many
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people that maybe can relate or people that are sitting at home, reflecting on when when things
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get tough for them, what kind of things what should I do, right, which is oftentimes the
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questions I whether it's a little pothole or a sinkhole I think, oftentimes, we can all get
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there periodically in our lives.
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So let me tell you a little bit about Amanda's background.
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We're gonna just jump right into her her story.
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She's a fitness model and a certified wellness coach, and she's overcome some issues with
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depression.
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And, she says that she was, put on, antidepressants.
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That's a bit of a you're a bit of a guinea pig with that, and, it's like a lock and key with
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that, isn't it?
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She really Yeah.
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So losing her parents and and she had some issues with addiction and, led to self harm
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where she was on a legend who Canadian Hotel room, where she almost took her life.
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And after a year and a half of, self discovery, lots of healthy changes, and being decertified
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as a serious mental health illness which I'm interested in hearing about that.
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She's become passionate about helping people that are have struggles with balance and kind
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of flip finding fulfillment in their life.
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So let's just start with who who you are.
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Like, tell us the story of of that little girl and and kind of, you know, what when did you
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kind of start to recognize that there were some issues around depression?
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I think that it started coming about when I was fairly young.
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I was bullied a lot in schools.
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I had a great home life.
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My parents were very, very supportive a great home life, but I was that person that never
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wore the right clothes, didn't have the right friends.
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So I was very ostracized by my peers which led to a lot of bullying, which of course led to a
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lot of, bad self worth.
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I I didn't really have a negative sense of self worth because I mean, none of my peers really
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wanted to interact with me, and it took me till 6th grade to really have any lasting burn
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shifts at all.
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Unfortunately, I met a couple of people then that are still very good friends to me with me
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to this day, but I think that was kind of the beginning is I I was very bullied.
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It started in 5th grade.
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Well, I think I had one before that that was started 4th grade, but the real bad bullying
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started in 5th grade.
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And from that point on, it just kind of escalated from there that I didn't I didn't
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know what to do.
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I started developing symptoms of depression, biometrics, I had no idea how to handle them.
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I started seeing therapists.
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They would pretty much say, well, here's some medication.
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Take the medication and we'll talk for an hour and that's that.
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And that didn't really do anything for me.
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I tried medication then and it didn't it did not react well with me.
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I would have I would have a lot of trouble with it.
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It just didn't feel right.
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Best case scenario, I just felt I don't even wanna say none because it wasn't none because I
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still felt feelings inside, I just couldn't express them outwardly, and that was worse.
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That was worse than crying all the time.
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That's like, I probably I I would really consider it torture.
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It's really torture to have all of this pain and all these thoughts inside of you that you
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just can't get out because you know, you've you've been medicated and II tried different
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medications over the years through my teens and a few more throughout my twenties and early
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thirties, but it got to the point.
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There were some that made me hallucinate.
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There were some that I would just lay on the ground just gasping for air and I couldn't
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breathe and I thought I was dying.
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And when I tell this to an mental health professional, they'd say, oh, we just need to
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give it some time.
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Set into your body.
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Are you serious right now?
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I will it was it was just insanity and that I had a mental health professional that told me
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people like to never make the right decisions.
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Like people with mental health source, people with bipolar, I think is what she's said.
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I will never make the right decision So as a sixteen year old kid, I have a professional
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telling me no matter what you do, you're never gonna make drinks.
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So I don't I can't say there's really any starting point.
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I don't there wasn't one specific event that you know, led me to drinking, led me to drugs,
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or led me to anything, led me to self harm.
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It was a series of things.
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I was sexually assaulted when I 16, and that obviously just fed more into this bad sense of
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self worth.
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Because I already kind of knew the the environment that we get ourselves into in the
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realm of a sexual assault where it's always, well, what were you wearing?
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What were you doing?
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What did you say to him?
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Had you been drinking?
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I hadn't been drinking.
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I was wearing a t shirt, not that that matters at all, but I I knew that there was just that
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really can be in my side, but that's why I felt at the time that I wasn't gonna have any idea
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on my side.
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So as time went on, I got old, just felt more and more isolated I didn't really I I moved
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away when I was sixteen from the few friends I did.
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So I didn't I was in a whole new environment I think the drug started when the the
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experimenting started and I went through several years as a teenager just smoking weed
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all day every day.
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Really didn't do anything except just lay around smoke pot.
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I dropped out of school shortly after the sexual assault because I just I couldn't pay
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more.
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I couldn't deal with it so I dropped out of high school, my junior year, and my parents
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passed in my early twenties I was twenty when my dad died and tripped in my mind, which just
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left me inspired him, like I had no idea to do where to go, how to function, I don't feel like
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I had made that shift to being an actual adult.
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I know that my people might think that's sad at 22, but when my dad died at 20, My mom was all
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alone and she needed somebody and she needed support.
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So I really I still stayed home and I stayed living with my mom and was trying to support
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her and help her.
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So I hadn't moved out.
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I didn't have any comprehension of the quote in quote real world at this point.
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So it's a very difficult shift and I got into a relationship that ended up being very unhealthy
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and went in and out of that for few years that led to a more negative, events in my life.
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And he moved to Arizona, so I chased him to Arizona I just love, and that's what we do.
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We make dumb decisions more in love.
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But we think we're in love.
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In retrospect, I wasn't.
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I was afraid to lose him because he's the only thing I knew since my mom died.
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He had come directly after her death, and that was really the only familiarity I knew.
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I didn't wanna let it go when I see that now.
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But him and I ended up having a son together.
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I went through very bad postpartum depression untreated postpartum.
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I would almost say psychosis.
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I mean, I was having bad visions and nightmares all the time and I I I didn't sleep very well.
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I didn't take good care of myself at all.
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I got this when I went to school around that time.
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I went to college.
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For my mind body certification and I don't think I really let it sink in like I did make
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some changes based on that and I did see some clients, but I I I don't think I really
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utilized it to the best of it.
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Of what it was offering me.
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And I just I I I vividly remember the moment that I realized I had to get ships.
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I was just saying that I was holding my son and he was still a baby, still slept in a crib,
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still had diapers.
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And I remember just sitting there looking down at him, and I guess it was written all over my
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face because, his father walks to the doorway and looks at me and says, are you okay?
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And I said, No, I'm not.
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I just can't do this anymore and we've broken up off and on, you know, because that's what
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you do when you're in a toxic relationship.
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And we broke it up off and on, but in that moment, I just knew it was done.
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I was done.
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I I knew I couldn't do it anymore.
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It was it was very toxic.
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It was mostly abusive.
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I couldn't take it anymore.
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And I left.
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And I ended up getting right into another relationship.
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So I still had to learn my lesson.
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But it wasn't till 2017 that everything really just fell to rock bottom.
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I remember at the time I've been roughly accused of a DUI.
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I got in a car accident, totaled my new to me car.
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It wasn't a new car, but it was new to me.
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I got sued by a client and Chester Bennington from Lincoln Park had taken his life.
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Now that might seem kinda weird, but Lincoln Park was kind of my lifeline.
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It was my security blanket for my seniors.
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So when my mom died, when I sexually assaulted, that's what I turned to.
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That's the only healthy bias that I ever had.
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So all of those things happen in 2 weeks.
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So in 2 weeks, I realized that I was facing 2 very big court cases that were go that could
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really negatively affect my life.
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I mean, a DUI, you can lose custody of your kid.
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I didn't want that on my record because I am extremely against drunk driving.
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Like, I probably more apt to kill somebody to drive drunk.
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I'm not saying I would do that, but I wouldn't drive drunk.
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That's just something I wouldn't do, and I didn't want that being attributed to me, and
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then of course the car accident had left some some physical issues, but yeah, when when
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Chester took his life, I just I didn't know how to handle it because I'm saying like, this is
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the person I look to for strength and motivation when I got really far down, this is
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the voice that that really helped me.
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So I started using, I I I dabbled in propane in the past and I knew that it kinda numbed you
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out, but that's and that's what I needed in that moment.
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I I just I couldn't process everything that was going on.
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I couldn't cope.
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I didn't know what to do.
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My relationship was in turmoil.
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Everything it seemed was just crap.
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I mean my whole life was falling apart around me and I did know what to do.
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So I started using and I will say I didn't use in front of my son, but I split Kath who's his
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dad, so I had plenty of time when he wasn't there.
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And it became such a frequent thing that it was really all I knew to turn to and it got
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completely out of control.
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And there was a time when I ended up I was really stressed out I thought, okay, I'm gonna
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I'm gonna do a little bit of coke, and I looked at I remember looking down at the little baggy,
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and it was empty.
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And I went, bullshit because I didn't need to do a lot, but I done a more than I intended
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just because I was stress was like okay just a little bit more just a little bit more and
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before I knew it I done way too much and you think that ending up overdosing on a bathroom
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floor and being covered in blood because I ended up, getting an nosebleed.
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I was just there was blood all over my t shirt.
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I was laying on the bathroom for.
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I couldn't I had no real cognition going on anymore.
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Everything was very dissociated.
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And you just think that would be my breaking point.
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You'd think that would kind of be my wake up call, but I feel like everyone has that
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different moment where they realize I have to change something, and I guess that wasn't mine.
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I don't know why, but that was not mine.
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And things continued to get worse and worse for several months.
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I ended up getting clean after I met Mike Shnota, the other singer of Lincoln Park.
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I went and staked out on a sidewalk for a bit.
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So I could meet him.
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And that was my breaking point where I knew I had to get clean.
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I knew that I had to stop self harming.
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I was self harming a lot because when my son was was with me, and I needed advice.
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That was kind of what I had to go because I couldn't do the drugs.
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So I I would harm myself.
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And my son never saw it like I was always good about keeping it hidden and keeping it from him
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but I realized meeting mic, it was it's kind of strange.
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I would almost call it a spiritual experience because I I just had this awakening that I was
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like, I can't do this to myself anymore.
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This you're sitting here mourning this person that took his life, but that's where that's
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where this is going.
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Like I don't know if you remember the scene in the matrix if you've ever watched that movie,
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if your listeners have watched it where turn the Indiana or in the car and she's he's he's
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saying it's good to go out and stuff and she's saying, you know, that road know exactly where
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it ends and I know that's not where you want to go.
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And that was kind of the the thought I had at that time.
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I know where this ends because I'm mourning the death of someone who went down this exact path.
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You know, I know where this is gonna end.
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This is not gonna end anywhere good.
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And that's when I knew I had to get clean.
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So I did I stopped using I didn't go to any kind of support group.
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I I did it on my own, which was extremely difficult.
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I mean, it's hard to do it even with support.
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But I did it route.
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And I managed to get clean.
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I stopped self harming.
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I stopped using.
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I I utilized different tools on my own, to do that.
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But about 6 months later, I ended up in that hotel room, and so it's great that I got clean,
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but the underlying reason why I was using in the first place didn't get addressed.
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And Which
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was what?
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What was the underlying issue?
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It was pain.
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I was in pain, and I didn't know how else to cope with it.
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I didn't know what else to do.
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And the I mean, like I said, there was a lot of layers as we just talked about, there were a
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lot of layers from the the sexual assault, the bullying, to my my parents' death, you know,
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there were a lot of layers as to what led me to that point, but I just I couldn't take it
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anymore.
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I I couldn't handle the pain and I convinced myself in that moment.
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It's like my brain had turned on me and I convinced to myself this is what's best for
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everyone.
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This is what's best for your son.
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This is what's best for your friends.
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You won't be a burden on them anymore.
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And there are a lot of times in my life where I've been depressed or I've been.
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You know, I I'd struggled with thoughts of suicide or I'd obviously, self harmed, but in
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that moment, I didn't have the fear.
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And normally, the only thing that kept me alive was, you know, I had a fear of death, but I
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remember standing on that ledge and I was looking down.
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And the only thing I was really afraid of was, man, I hope this doesn't hurt because I just
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don't want to hurt anymore.
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So only fear I had was the fear of that initial pain.
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I was just thinking, God, I hope this is fast, and it's really poetic.
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The thing that brought me down kind of one of the things I guess that had me up there in the
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first place, which was a Lincoln Park song turned on just outside my hotel room door at
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that exact moment.
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Freights me out because I don't I don't really believe anything.
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I'm not an atheist per se, but I don't have any spiritual beliefs.
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So I have a hard time saying, oh, that was a miracle or whatever, but something definitely
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wanted me
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to you're in the hotel room.
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You're on the ledge.
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And in the hotel room, you start to hear a Lincoln Park song.
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So it was just outside the hotel room door.
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It turned out to be the cleaning crew, which this was my 3rd or 4th day there.
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And I haven't seen anyone.
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Like when you got to the hotel, you had to call to have someone come to the front desk because
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they just didn't have like a a service crew of any sort.
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And in the whole the 3rd 40s, I've been there and I spent most of my time in the room.
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I had seen a cleaning crew.
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You really never can saw anyone leave their rooms a very small kind of intimate, setting,
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but it frees me out that I'm gonna exact the cleaning crew turned on their music just
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outside my door.
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I thought I was hallucinating.
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I thought that this was okay.
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Those those this is what it means for your life to flash for you.
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I'm just hearing this in my head.
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So I I I stepped out and I walked over the door and I kind of popped my head out and looked at
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the guy and I must have looked like a mess because these 2 French guys just looked at me
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like I was insane and I just I said in French Oh it's my favorite song and the guy said oh
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really?
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And I got back into my room and just fell apart.
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I just lost it because now it's like okay Something's telling me I need to be here.
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Something's telling me not to jump.
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I don't know if that's god or an angel or my parents are Chester or whatever, but something
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was telling me I needed to be here.
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And I think that was almost more difficult because it's not like I did it's not like I
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wanted to die.
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I just didn't want to hurt.
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I didn't wanna feel the pain I was feeling, and I didn't know what to do to stop it.
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So I just I fell apart in my hotel room and I really had to start analyzing my life, like
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what else can I do to try to bring myself higher and now what I call my happiness
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spectrum?
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Like, what can I do to kind of make deposits into that bank?
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Because while depression is a very real disease.
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It is a very real physical chemical disorder in your brain.
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There are things you can do to change the neurons in your brain change your brain.
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So I started kind of doing more research.
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I started with the basics of just am I getting my body what it needs to serve me?
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And that was kind of where I started.
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And it was it was a process, like, in the weeks after that, to really almost come face to face
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with my demons.
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I had to face down my own darkness and I had to say you need to you need to do something.
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Like you have to change something obviously the medications didn't work.
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The therapy wasn't particularly successful.
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The drugs didn't do anything in the long run.
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Like what do you do?
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And I mean I got a lot of great advice during that time and I did a lot of research and I
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really was just honest with myself because I feel that when you're in that dark place,
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you're not you're definitely not honest with yourself because anything you try to tell
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yourself, your brain is going to give you reasons that that's not true.
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So if you are saying, well, maybe I should be more healthier, maybe I should you make X Y Z
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decision.
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Your rates in the going, oh, it's not gonna do anything.
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You know, it's not gonna do anything.
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And I think that working with that self talk is is definitely a big part of it.
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It's definitely a big factor in it because you're not your thoughts.
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You're not your depression and there are ways to overcome it.
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It's just it takes commitment.
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It takes work.
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And that's not what we want to hear when we're depressed because we have no energy and we want
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that quick fix.
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We do.
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We very much want that quick fix but I think that there's certain things you can do that
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bring it down to a tolerable level that bring the the feelings down to a more manageable
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level, and that was kind of the beginning of my process.
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So you went from I heard the song Right?
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For whatever reason, we can say that happened at that right time.
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At that space, you're at a critical spot you you wouldn't have been there.
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Had you not heard that song?
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And it it popped you back.
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What we as a psychotherapist, what it sounds like with depression is, that sometimes your
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thoughts and your actions, a depressed person, you tell me if this maybe potentially is what
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kind you experience, but I'm thinking something.
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This pain this pain can't senue and, you know, and then I'm disconnected from my body.
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And then I'm on that ledge and sometimes, you know, patients have shared with me, then the
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thought catches up with, you know, it's not that bad, but they've already about to to do
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something harmful.
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It's almost like the thought and the action gets so disconnected with depression that
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sometimes they think, oh, they have another thought that I don't wanna die, but they've
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already started the action.
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And then the action kind of goes ahead of the thoughts.
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And then they've maybe done something that, you know, to try to take their life or to attempt
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You know, every story I've heard of someone that's attempted suicide, like, someone that's
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jumped off a bridge or someone that's overdosed and survived it every single one says they
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regretted it the second they did it, the second they jumped, the second they, you know, took
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all those pills.
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They immediately regretted it because nobody really wants to die.
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That's not the underlying goal here.
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Nobody says, man, like, I I want to in my life.
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No.
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They want to be happy.
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They don't want to suffer that's the 2 bowls of existence like every single one of us share
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those 2 things.
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We don't wanna suffer and we wanna be happy but especially in the mental health realm, and I
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don't know if you've kind of noticed this, but I don't think that there's a lot of expectation
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for people with mental health, like the only real expectation is don't kill yourself.
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They they they want to keep you physically safe but there's no real addressing what's got us in
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that place.
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At least this was my experience, and I've been to dozens of therapists my experience was it's
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we're gonna try and patch this.
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You're never gonna get better.
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Like, that was what I was told over and over.
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This is how it's always fee.
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You're always going to be depressed.
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You're always going to suffer like this.
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And I mean, who wants to hear that?
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That's exactly why I ended up with a ledge is because I have professionals, mental health
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professionals telling me you will always suffer like this.
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This is your life.
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This is the
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I would say that on that's unfortunate that that was your because I could tell you as being
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a mental health specialist that that's not what the core of my colleagues or my practice is
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about because an addiction or depression generally, if it's not biological, which in
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your case, it sounds more like it was a situational thing that happened.
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You started to get bullied.
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You said you had a pretty good upbringing, and then you lost your 2 parents ready, ready
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quickly.
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It sounds like it was a cumulative effect.
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Right?
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Right.
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So as a as a psychotherapist, what I would say to people is, okay.
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It's not this it's not the, you know, the addiction.
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It's what is the root cause?
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What is so deep within you that the the addiction is a symptom to what the true pain
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is.
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Yeah.
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You know, that's that's how it should be treated.
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I'm not opposed to, mental health, the mental health world.
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Obviously, a lot of people need therapy.
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Some people need medication.
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That's that's obvious.
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That's the truth.
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I've never tried to say that there's not a place in time for that.
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But the fact that nobody would listen to me when I said this medication about what you're
23:14
giving me and about our all the dose.
23:15
It's not freaking working for me.
23:17
Nobody would listen to me and that's very frustrating when you're trying to tell, you
23:21
know, the person that you're supposed to be working with you, how things affect you or how
23:25
you're feeling.
23:26
Absolutely.
23:26
Absolutely.
23:27
Because what we know ideally is that a combination of both is is best practices.
23:32
Right?
23:33
Some people need medication.
23:35
Some people, kind of, you know, go through the dark spots without medication, but Sometimes
23:40
it's a combination of both.
23:42
So a lot of times people might go to a physician.
23:44
They get prescribed something, and they they do nothing else.
23:47
But, really, what you need to do is to be able to use the medication if you need a short term
23:52
or maybe longer term to really deal with the core issues that come.
23:55
So it's a combination effect.
23:57
That's why it's been my thing is I think most people barring a really severe mental health
24:02
disorder like multiple personality or something.
24:04
Most people medication should be a short term thing.
24:07
It absolutely should be a short term thing and it I feel like we overuse it in certain
24:13
situations.
24:13
For example, when my dad died, mean, there may be a thing is you need to be on medication.
24:17
Right.
24:18
Right.
24:18
My dad my dad just died, and I kinda have the right to mourn my my father's passing and feel
24:23
those emotions.
24:25
And for for me the the whole mental health thing is a very tricky like slippery slope
24:30
because I think If you're doing everything that you can do, if you're really genuinely, truly
24:35
honestly doing everything you could do to help yourself and you're still in that dark spot,
24:40
absolutely take the medication if you need to see a mental health professional to get you out
24:46
of that darkness if that's what you need.
24:48
But if you were just wanting a quick fix.
24:50
That's not what that's for.
24:51
I don't think that's what medication is meant to be for.
24:53
It's not gonna be
24:55
Yeah.
24:55
Yeah.
24:56
Absolutely.
24:56
I think, you know, it depends on the presenting issue.
24:58
It depends on the a lot of the biology.
25:01
If there is some biological stuff, absolutely.
25:03
If it's completely, those truly psychiatric concerns,
25:08
then there's no around it.
25:09
But my my was both, actually, unfortunately, because both of both of my parents had mental
25:14
health.
25:15
My mom, was an alcoholic, and my dad had, some mental health issues Okay.
25:19
Because in my daughter's life.
25:20
So mine was both.
25:22
Yeah.
25:22
Yeah.
25:22
So you probably had a combination effect, but it doesn't mean because you've had a
25:26
combination effect that you would.
25:28
Right.
25:29
Right?
25:29
So but sometimes I often say this is the way I look at it, Amanda.
25:33
Is that sometimes you need a bit of a bridge?
25:35
Yep.
25:35
It
25:35
could build up you know, the pleasure sensors in your brain with an antidepressant to be able
25:40
to start pumping that out again naturally because if you're using cocaine, what the what
25:45
the brain is saying is, hey, I've got a free flow of this stuff.
25:48
I'm gonna shut off.
25:50
I'm gonna shut off those centers because the body is already getting it.
25:53
So naturally, I'm not gonna develop it.
25:56
Naturally.
25:57
And then once you stop, guess what happens?
25:59
Then you sink into depression, right, which further exacerbates what you're talking about.
26:03
Right?
26:04
So it
26:04
Yeah.
26:04
You know, it's a and then and then eventually the the brain will start to do its thing again,
26:08
but sometimes it's about having the ability to to give it time and to do some of the things
26:13
that you're talking about.
26:14
But I think that there's such a different path for so many people, but you're right.
26:19
You don't just give someone a pill without saying what rating is going on here and getting
26:24
a full overall assessment of the entire situation.
26:28
Understand what's going on in the person's life, you know, and then you send them off, to
26:32
get the proper assessment with psychiatry to see if that's the need or if it's, you know, if
26:36
it's something that they can kind of, you know, do slowly on their own.
26:40
Yeah.
26:40
And I I'm glad to hear that, you know, there's more positivity in that realm because like I
26:45
said, I saw a therapist up until a few years ago from childhood on up and it was it was
26:50
consistently the same thing.
26:51
You'll always have this depression most of them said you'll always have to be on medication.
26:54
And when I was diagnosed with an SMI in my twenties, they told me you will have this label
27:00
for life.
27:01
There's no way be decertified.
27:02
That is not possible.
27:03
I was told that's several different.
27:05
Let's talk a little bit about that because that's, you know, that in Canadian terms,
27:08
that's not a a term that we would know, but by for anybody, this is an SMI is a severe mental.
27:15
Yeah.
27:15
It's a serious mental illness.
27:17
So it essentially means that you will never function like a quote unquote normal average
27:24
person that you'll never really be able to have a the the capacity to do and enjoy things as
27:32
most people do.
27:33
So essentially you will always have this these severe symptoms of depression that interrupt
27:39
your life that make it very, very difficult and possible to to function as, as the standard
27:47
adult would.
27:48
So that's that's, what I had.
27:51
That's how it was explained to me Right.
27:54
Just not being able to function at a an acceptable rate.
27:59
And, you know, I will say there was a long time they kept telling me, you know, you'll never be
28:05
able to really hold down a job and I had held down several jobs but I don't want an eight to
28:09
four job and I think that was the big thing there is they're telling me, well, you can't
28:13
hold down a job because when I when I went to these 8 to 4 jobs, my symptoms of depression
28:17
would start kicking up even more and I'd have sleeping and I died start getting more anxious
28:22
and stuff, but it wasn't the fact that I couldn't because I have numerous times.
28:26
It's the fact that I didn't freaking want to.
28:29
I didn't find any pleasure and enjoyment of getting up and going to a job I hated, and I I
28:35
had worked for probably about 2 years at my son's French immersion school a little under 2
28:39
years and I just woke up when when day kind of like the breakup with my ex and went, I can't
28:45
freaking do this anymore.
28:46
Like, I I just hate this job, and I I don't like working with children.
28:50
It's just not my passion.
28:52
And I I started to build my coaching and build and build those channels more.
28:56
So at that point, I literally just went to work that day.
28:59
I'm I'm one of those people that when I realize I'm done and done, there's no dillydally.
29:03
There's no let's think about this.
29:05
Let's pro and con.
29:06
You know in your heart when you're done with something.
29:08
I was done, and I went in that day and put in my 2 weeks.
29:11
So let's talk about the path that you took.
29:13
Right?
29:13
So you went, you know, obviously, you've you had you had a lot of predisposition elements.
29:17
You said 22 parents with mental health, then you had the bullying, then you had the sexual
29:22
assault, which I would think is the biggest factor that would have impacted all those
29:27
things, you know, and then obviously then, you know, you're one of the symptoms to to numb out
29:32
the pain is the addiction, and then it becomes a vicious circle.
29:36
So okay.
29:37
So then you start to take some steps.
29:40
What what kind of things did you learn that worked for you for anyone listening that is
29:46
maybe having something mild or even at the extreme end of the things that you've discussed
29:51
that has that helped you.
29:53
My first thing was really like I said, getting into what am I doing to my body?
29:57
What am I am I am I doing everything I can't?
30:01
As you said, make sure that we're boosting those feel good chemicals in the brain.
30:05
So if we're drinking alcohol or eating a lot of sugar, eating a lot of processed foods, those
30:09
things are not going to help us with our with our neural pathways and with the the biggest
30:15
nerve and all that which as you know is the connection between the the brain and the gut
30:19
and that was kind of my first step was, okay, how should I be treating my body right now?
30:25
What could I be doing to physically be giving it more of a fighting chance.
30:29
Right.
30:29
So I really went through I don't like to say diet because that's an ugly word to me.
30:34
It's just I feel like diets that you the word diet such work for failure and it's not a a
30:39
permanent thing.
30:40
I really had to change my lifestyle and I thought I was healthy.
30:45
It was one of the people that would tell myself, oh, well, this cupcake's organic and
30:49
gluten free.
30:50
Oh, I can eat it.
30:51
Right?
30:51
Like, this is gluten free macaroni.
30:53
So it's good.
30:55
Buzzwords are just silly, but it it that was time my first step was going through that.
31:00
And then I I knew that I needed to be active because I mean I'd go to the yoga class or I'd
31:06
go to the gym every now and then but I had no real activities, so I wasn't, you know, really
31:11
building up those endorphins and the serotonin and stuff.
31:14
And really I start not just exercise, but I started looking into other things that that
31:20
help release serotonin, help boost serotonin, and, and dopamine and all that in a healthy
31:26
way, not by checking your Instagram every 5 minutes for that dough convenience, but yeah,
31:33
it was it was changing my release with food, changing my relationship with my body because
31:38
I've always been thin so I mean working out wasn't really priority to me because we we have
31:43
that We have that conditioning that we work out when you wanna lose weight.
31:49
You know, that's what you do.
31:50
It's not we work out to maintain or to help our bodies.
31:54
We just don't we don't really have that mindset in our society.
31:57
So having a better relationship with that and just starting to cut out the things that
32:02
weren't serving me in my life, cutting out the people, cutting out the things, cutting out the
32:05
habits that weren't serving me in my life, and I mean, there's so many different aspects to
32:11
it.
32:11
It wasn't like, okay.
32:12
Well, I just stopped eating sugar.
32:13
Okay.
32:13
Well, I just, you know, started running every morning.
32:16
It wasn't really one specific aspect there were some herbs that I started taking like Kava
32:21
Kava, that that really helped ash Ash Twagong.
32:27
I would say that wrong Ash Twagong.
32:29
Thank you.
32:30
I always say that wrong, but there were there were some herbs that I started taking to help
32:34
with the the anxiety with the nervous system and those were more effective just the changes
32:40
combined with that was more effective than 2 freaking decades of the mental health systems.
32:48
Ryan, and I I always say it's it's finding that path that works for you.
32:52
Right?
32:52
On this, it's like we said, it's a severe mental health disorder.
32:56
Right.
32:57
You know, and, you know, that's the thing.
32:59
There's there's no there's no specific way to do it other than you know, like you said, you
33:04
had that epiphany.
33:05
When you're on that balcony, something shifted.
33:08
It was not your time.
33:09
Right?
33:09
I'm gonna say for whatever reason, we can we can say And then you start to say, okay.
33:14
What do I need to do?
33:15
And it's not a quick fix.
33:16
Right?
33:17
It's not.
33:17
And it's hard to be honest with yourself.
33:20
Like that.
33:21
Yeah.
33:21
Yeah.
33:21
Of course.
33:21
And then really, you know, being honest means that you have to slow.
33:25
You have to start to listen.
33:26
And you gotta really, I often say, you know, what is it?
33:30
What are the activities?
33:31
And this is a loaded question that no longer serves me if I wanna replenish and restore Yep,
33:37
which is a huge question.
33:39
It is, and that's what it boils down to, and that covers so many different things.
33:44
I remember that when people would tell me any people genuinely try and give me advice when I
33:48
was in this dark spot and tell me, you know, maybe you could, you know, stop eating as much
33:52
sugar.
33:52
Maybe you do this pissed me off so bad.
33:55
I would get so angry because I'm like, well, how dare you tell me that I just need to change
33:59
my diet?
33:59
How dare you tell me that I just need to work out?
34:01
How dare and it wasn't that I just needed to work out, but that's definitely it's been a
34:06
huge help in in dealing with the the symptoms of depression.
34:10
So this year, I was decertified much with much sugar into the mental health professionals that
34:16
told me it wasn't possible.
34:18
I was decertified as having a serious mental illness.
34:20
So I know I'll always kind of have that anxiety and stuff, but I don't I I no longer have the
34:25
criteria to be to consider SMI, which was a huge Thanks.
34:29
So how do
34:30
you how do you how do you get decertified?
34:31
Do you go back to a psychiatrist that says that you no longer have this issue?
34:35
Oh, man.
34:36
That was a process.
34:37
I I went to the original psychiatrist that had told me I was SMI and she said oh no we had
34:43
another psychiatrist actually diagnosed you and you didn't know about it Wait, what?
34:48
Okay.
34:49
So we tracked back that one.
34:51
She said, no, I didn't.
34:51
So then it becomes kind of this vicious cycle.
34:54
And I went to the psychiatrist testing of times that I was only going to to be truthfully
34:59
honest because it's mandated by my custody thing that I was in mental health treatment
35:04
because of this diagnosis.
35:06
So I went to her and I said, look, you need to do something.
35:10
I want to be reevaluated.
35:12
You need to reevaluate me.
35:13
And I know that you have the power of users.
35:14
She said, you need to call your insurance company.
35:17
Called the insurance company.
35:18
They said, no, you need to talk to her.
35:19
So about that.
35:19
I recorded the call.
35:20
Went back to her.
35:21
I played the call.
35:22
I said you need to reevaluate me.
35:25
If you don't, I will call, like, over your head, I will call your supervisors and I want
35:31
to be relocated because I don't have any of the of the, signs of it anymore, and I I don't want
35:36
this on me if it's not true.
35:40
Like I don't want this label on me if it's not true.
35:44
And eventually, I I convinced her to reevaluate me and she told me through this whole process,
35:49
she kept telling me it's not possible to get decertified.
35:52
I don't know why you're so adamant about this process because it's not possible.
35:56
Nobody gets recertified.
35:58
She told me.
35:59
So it was really just a matter of standing up for myself and fighting for myself and saying,
36:04
no, I know that you can do this.
36:05
I did my research and I said, I know that the Q can do this.
36:08
I know you have the authority to decertify me if I don't meet the criteria.
36:12
She said I've never decertified it to someone.
36:14
Nobody ever does that.
36:15
That's just not a thing.
36:17
So I, I just pushed it with my mental health professional and with the organization until
36:23
she agreed to do the the reevaluation.
36:26
She did the reevaluation.
36:27
Is she she also answered, I'm sorry.
36:29
I'm sorry.
36:29
I was wrong.
36:30
And but that's powerful.
36:32
For her, you know, to admitted that she was wrong, I was really I was really happy that she
36:36
was willing to do that, but, god, that was, like, one of the most powerful empowering
36:40
moments of my life just realizing I knew who I was.
36:44
I knew who I was and I was I I just refused to let somebody else tell me that.
36:50
I refuse to let somebody else define me or put a label on me.
36:53
Right.
36:54
So and then based on when when you got that assessment, though, Right?
36:58
Right.
36:59
Oh, no.
36:59
I absolutely had it.
37:01
I absolutely
37:02
Mental well-being to go from mental uneasiness to mental breakdown.
37:07
Right?
37:08
So any of us can go along with spectrum at any given point.
37:12
Right?
37:13
So and then with all the things that you'd been doing, obviously, you had made these massive,
37:17
massive changes.
37:20
And I yeah.
37:21
Yeah.
37:21
I made a lot of changes and like I said there wasn't 1 or 2.
37:24
As a matter of fact, I'm developing an entire program that walks people through the positive
37:29
changes they can make in their life and it's not the changes I make per se but the positive
37:33
changes that you can make in your life to give yourself the best chance possible because
37:38
correct me if I'm wrong this is just my experience again so maybe it's been different
37:41
for you but I might when I went to mental health professionals, there was the first thing
37:48
we always did was kind of a treatment plan as to where we wanted to go.
37:51
Like what was the end goal?
37:53
And the end goal was always obviously to to be clean to not sell farm, to not utilize devices
37:59
like that, and it was just always really simple things like don't hurt yourself.
38:06
Like there was no bigger picture of happiness.
38:10
There was no we want you to be happy.
38:12
I want to be happy.
38:13
There was that was never on the table, like really genuine true happiness and fulfillment
38:18
was never on the table.
38:19
I was told that wasn't an option.
38:22
And I've it it gosh, the point we're this became kind of elusive to me.
38:26
Like, it it just it was a pretty word if you thought that wasn't for people like me.
38:31
And my goal with my clients and with program I'm developing is to help people no matter
38:37
where they are, whether they're rock bottom like I was or whether they're just kinda
38:40
complacent.
38:41
So I know a lot of clients says something like they're depressed.
38:43
They're just complacent.
38:45
They could just are going through day to day and they don't have any passion for life.
38:50
They're just doing what they have to do.
38:51
They don't have symptoms of depression.
38:53
They're not so far.
38:53
They're not, you know, utilizing any kind of advice.
38:56
They're not, you know, they're sleeping fine, but there's just there's just no passion for
39:01
life.
39:01
There's no happiness and my goal is to make happiness less elusive to show people that no
39:05
matter where you are, happiness is possible.
39:07
It might be different for everyone and I explain kind of the happiness spectrum.
39:11
It might be different for everyone, but there's steps that every person can take to be to be
39:16
higher on their own happiness sector.
39:18
And I agree.
39:19
And I think, you know, what we have to be aware of is that maybe some people that need
39:22
psychiatry, there may be some people initially that might.
39:26
Right?
39:26
Right.
39:27
Get them through that.
39:28
If if you're actively addicted or if you're suicidal or you're attempting, those have to
39:33
get addressed first.
39:34
Yeah.
39:34
Right?
39:34
Because without that platform, it's kinda hard to see see for about, you know, what's a
39:40
perfect day in my life?
39:41
Well, if I'm not able to slow my thoughts down long enough to value who I am to not attempt,
39:47
then I can't think about it's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
39:50
Right?
39:51
Right.
39:51
I can't I can't do the basic level, so I can't think about existentialism unless I have that
39:56
core value, but absolutely.
39:58
That's the thing.
39:59
Once you address those concerns, Amanda, absolutely.
40:02
Then you we ultimately, and I would say I have a a probably, you know, in different circles
40:08
that they, feel that I'm have been in, it's always at the different points Of course.
40:15
Once the symptom is gone and it's been abated, what is what does that principle day in the
40:21
life look like for you?
40:22
Yeah.
40:23
I think, yeah, I think definitely our extreme cases, like I said, where people need that
40:27
mental health treatment, but for me, it's like, I don't think I ever could have got out of that
40:31
severe suicidal depression had I not started making changes?
40:34
So I would almost argue that these things have to be done kind of tangent sometimes.
40:38
Like, yes, they need to be seeing a psychiatrist if they're inactive suicidal
40:42
thoughts or, active addiction.
40:44
It can be very beneficial to see a professional but at the same time that professional should
40:49
be encouraging them to make positive life changes, if that makes sense.
40:52
And I would tell you in the in a circle, I mean, in the the circles that I'm here in
40:57
Canada.
40:58
Absolutely.
40:58
That's what we're looking at all the time.
41:00
Canada probably has better health care.
41:03
Probably different systems, right, because Absolutely.
41:07
Because I, you know, I would always say being a trauma specialist and addiction specialist
41:11
that, Let's let's take up the care of the critical symptoms.
41:17
But once the critical symptoms are gone, you know, who are you really under there?
41:21
Yeah.
41:22
Right?
41:22
And then ultimately, you're right.
41:24
We all are looking for peace of mind and happiness at the end of the day.
41:27
Everybody wants to suffer.
41:29
Oh, absolutely.
41:30
Absolutely.
41:31
So what do you keep your eye on with yourself or for the others that you coach to kind of
41:40
have them recognize that they're slipping backwards.
41:43
What kind of things do people that are listening?
41:45
Let's say they're singing, wow.
41:46
Sounds interesting.
41:47
You know, I I've I'm doing some stuff.
41:50
Oh, I haven't even thought about that, or I'm on a critical end.
41:52
I need to kind of, you know, get the right support.
41:55
What kind of things do you keep your eye on for yourself or even for others that you're
41:59
coaching about, I think, the I'm slipping backwards.
42:04
For me, it's when I start get getting frequent cravings for drugs or alcohol or actually as a
42:11
smoker at one time too and I don't really crave cigarettes very much if I start noticing that
42:14
I'm craving more, that I'm having trouble sleeping, that I'm getting more irritable with
42:20
people with with the people I care about when I start getting really depressed.
42:24
I it comes out in anger, and I'm not an angry person by by default, but I start getting
42:28
really irritable and angry.
42:30
And I I think the emotion some people will get really depressed like they'll withdraw.
42:34
They'll start getting very, sad.
42:37
I think really Whether you're watching yourself or you're watching those people close to you
42:42
and you're just wanting to make sure that they're that they're in a good place and that
42:46
they're staying on track, if you're noticing that they're acting outside of what is kind of
42:52
normal for them, what's natural for them, what their genuine true personality is, if you
42:57
notice them getting more aggressive, if you notice them getting more, withdrawn, if you
43:02
notice them getting more emotional and more, they're crying more or whatever.
43:08
I think just any kind of strong emotions that are becoming more frequent.
43:12
That's my that's my cue and I I didn't quit drinking entirely because I never really had
43:22
what I would consider an addiction to alcohol.
43:24
I would have a glass of wine or whatever every now and then.
43:27
But if I notice that that's becoming a daily thing or if I notice, oh, maybe I should have a
43:31
second glass or I I noticed that I'm trying to turn to things to numb out pain again because I
43:39
know that's that's a very slippery slope.
43:40
I can have a glass with dinner would be fine because I I never really battled alcoholism but
43:46
I I know that it could go south if I let it, if I didn't, you know, keep
43:51
Keep.
43:52
So just keeping your keeping your radar on.
43:55
Stay mindful.
43:56
That's really the the right.
43:57
Right.
43:57
With yourself, staying mindful.
43:59
How am I feeling?
44:00
In my handling stress well and my utilizing, like, appropriate skills.
44:05
I have an entire module in the program I was telling you about, like, stress management and
44:09
building a toolbox to help yourself, you know, through that because that's something we're not
44:14
taught in school how to deal with anxiety, depression, stress, none of that and it's
44:20
really important for me.
44:21
It was really important for me to develop and, yes, learn.
44:24
I mean, we have to learn these skills of how to care for ourselves how to be mindful of where
44:29
we are, where we should be, what we can do.
44:31
It's it's a super important thing to develop.
44:34
So this has been a a amazing time.
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Thank you so much for for spending the time and and sharing your wisdom and what a what a what
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a huge story and, you know, what a breath that you can offer that perspective.
44:47
You know?
44:48
So for anybody listening that may be struggling, what's What words do you have for
44:53
them?
44:55
You know, I say this a lot, but my dad's last words to me were don't give up hope because you
45:02
never know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
45:04
And at the time, I thought it was just, you know, kind of a pretty phrase and now I have to
45:11
tell myself that when I'm getting into that negative self talk, I'm getting into that kind
45:16
of hopeless moment is I went from being on a ledge to being genuinely happy and fulfilled
45:22
and if I wouldn't have given myself that chance if I wouldn't have tried and would have never
45:28
been here and you you never know what SMART could bring and that's not just what Tamara
45:33
could bring.
45:34
You never know how you're gonna feel tomorrow, you could, you know, take that 1st step and
45:38
start moving toward happiness and a healthy life.
45:43
So I know that sometimes it can let's just be honest, suck.
45:48
It's it's horrible when you get bombarded with those those feelings and it's just trying to
45:53
take over your mind.
45:55
I say that it's like having been bullied, it's like being bullied but the bully is in your
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head and you can't walk away and you can't escape and you can't go paddle on them or
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whatever it is you need to do.
46:07
You can't, you know, seek go called cops or whatever.
46:10
You can't really do anything because it's inside of your mind, but you're not those
46:15
thoughts.
46:15
You're not that bully.
46:16
And developing a better relationship with that voice, with that those thoughts is really the
46:24
best medicine for moving moving forward.
46:28
And they they they can be overcome.
46:30
It just takes some time.
46:31
It it can be done.
46:33
Well, thank you so much.
46:35
Can everybody reach you if they're if they're interested in hearing more about you or,
46:40
working with you?
46:41
What where is it that people can reach you?
46:43
You can go to my website amandawebsterhealth.com and you can actually
46:48
download a little cheat sheet that will give you the top 10 nutrient deficiencies that
46:52
affect mental health, which is awesome because a lot of people don't realize the connection
46:57
between nutrients and food and mental health.
46:59
So it'll give you that nice little sheet sport alert most people are deficient at least 1.
47:04
It also tells you where you can find them, different foods and stuff that have them.
47:08
And if you send it from a mailing list, you will get an exclusive invitation to my Facebook
47:13
group.
47:13
It's called the PAC, because I've always got connected to wolves.
47:15
So the people close to me have always kind of been my PAC.
47:18
So on there, I post a lot just motivational things, workout videos, just a lot of different
47:24
things, the podcasting on the articles that I that I participate in, but also I I just
47:32
started a YouTube channel that kind of teaches people some different methods for coping with
47:38
anxiety, stress, which is so important right now.
47:40
We need intentionally some stress management skills during this time, and I posted some
47:45
different scientific methods for coping with that in a healthy manner.
47:50
You can also find me on Instagram at Amanda Webster Health.
47:53
So I really love connecting with people.
47:55
I love hearing people's stories.
47:57
If you do have any questions or if you're if you're looking for some insight, I'm always
48:01
happy to hear from anyone.
48:03
Well, thanks again, Amanda.
48:05
So when you walk away, just think, today might feel like a ledge, but it doesn't take much to
48:13
get off that ledge, but you just have to go go into yourself and be mindful of what what small
48:18
thing can I do that may start the process of me ensuring that that voice of the man it talks
48:25
about, gets lower, and the proper voice that needs to be have the volume is has the focus,
48:32
which is really what's gonna make me happy?
48:35
So thanks for tuning in.
48:36
And, Amanda, thanks for sharing your wisdom.
48:40
And for anyone needing any, support around mental health and wellness, as you know, I'm a
48:44
keynote speaker, and a trainer consultant.
48:47
You can reach me at Roxanne Durhard.
48:49
Dotcom.
48:51
Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive
48:56
healthy chain.
48:58
Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit Roxanne
49:04
Durgesh dotcom/blueprint.
49:08
We'll see you next time on authentic living with Roxanne.