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The Psychology of Standards: Why You Keep Setting the Bar Too Low(E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: So today is an Encore episode because I am going
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: on maternity leave. I have hand selected with my assistant Shanai.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: We've hand selected episodes that we think will be like
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: just honestly your favorite. They're episodes that have either really
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: great feedback or have been shared a lot amongst you guys,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: or have been shared a lot on socials and reshared
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: on stories, so we thought, you know, we'd bring back
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: kind of the top favorites are the ones that resonated
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: the most with you guys. So I'm going on just
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: three well, the podcast is going on three weeks of
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: maternity leave. I am going on four months of maternity leave.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: But fear not, fret not, I have created an entire
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: back catalog. So after these three weeks of Encore episodes,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: you will be receiving your normal dose of a Monday
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: episode and a head Noise episode, and also some really
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: cool mini series scattered throughout up until the end of
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: the year, and then I will come back for regular
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: programming mid January after kind of the Christmas break. So
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: without fucking around any further, enjoy the episode. The encore
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: episode of today, Love you guys so much. Welcome to
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: today's episode. So today's episode is all about are you
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: setting the bar too low? And the answer, if you're
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: listening to this.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Is probably us.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to be talking about which areas of
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: your life and what it looks like and what you
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: can do about it. Instead. Firstly, you've got to identify
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: am I setting the bar too low? And I'm going
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: to tell you what's wrong with setting the bar too low?
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Because pretty much everything but this is going to be
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: career wise, personal, You know what you expect from yourself,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: and then of course massively from relationships. Whether it's romantic
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: or from friendships or from your family, it doesn't matter.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: So that's pretty much what today's episode is going to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: be all about.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do a brain fact first.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: This is short and sweet, very interesting, and then we're
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: going to get into the topic of today. So this
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: brain fact, I want to talk about a condition or
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: one aspect of a condition.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: So there's this condition.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Please forgive me if you know how to pronounce this,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: because I absolutely don't, and I even tried finding YouTube
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: ways of pronouncing it, but every time I've heard this referred,
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: I mean We did discuss it in UNI, but I
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: can't remember how it was pronounced, but it's all in writing.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: But anyway, the condition is called urbawth disease, right, So
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: it's a very very rare disorder, and there's all these different.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Symptoms that you get when you have this disorder.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: But one of the things that happens is the calcification
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: of certain regions of the brain in the limbic system,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: in particular the amygdala. So for certain people, as it is,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: it's a rare enough disease, but for certain people that
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: have this disease, they get calcification in the amygdala. Okay,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: And the amygdala, as I've spoken before, this is your
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: fear center basically in a very in very rough times,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: this is where you have the fight or flight or
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: fright in your brain.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: It's what when you have you know, trauma or something
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: like that.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: You're getting a lot of activity through the amygdala sending
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: this like a fear signal.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: So yeah, so.
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  Speaker 1: That's pretty much you're getting calcification here. So what happens
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: when you get calcification off that part of the brain,
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: it kind of shrinks and it doesn't really function properly.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: If at all.
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  Speaker 1: So this part of the brain, which is your threat
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: detection part of the brain basically just stops working properly
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: and it can't trigger a fear response anymore. So the
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: person that has this disease doesn't experience or doesn't feel
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: the physiological symptoms of fear, so they don't feel scared,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: and therefore they don't react accordingly to a stimulus that
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: they normally should be scared about. So they don't get
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: that wave of emotions that are linked to a stimulus.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: So even if it's a horror film, even if it's
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: a scary animal, a spider or snack right up in
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  Speaker 1: your face, they don't flinch. They're not reacting, they're not scared.
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  Speaker 1: They're not thinking, oh, this is like a full on
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: visceral reaction that I need to have. Get the fuck away.
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  Speaker 1: They don't have that, so it doesn't freak them out.
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  Speaker 1: So there's this really famous case study in neuroscience of
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: this woman called SM. Her name is. They don't release
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: the names with a lot of these case studies for
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: their safety. Obviously I believe she's still alive, but SM
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: she was a really famous case study. She was completely
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: fearless to external stimulus, and researchers took her on all
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: these different experiments and tests to see what would make
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: her feel fear, and they found that it was pretty
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: much anything external would not elicit a fear response. So
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: they took her to visit snakes and spiders, and she
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: had no fear. She was even holding these creatures like
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: right up to her face and was like, ah. Even
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: though she claimed to be scared of snakes and spiders,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: she was like, oh, yeah, I'm scared of them.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: But she probably thought, well, that's the normal reaction to have.
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  Speaker 1: But then when you put her in front of these
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: necks and spiders, she was fine. They took her into
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: a haunted house with a bunch of other participants and
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: everyone was freaking out and screaming, and she was just
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: very calmly cruising through this haunted house. People would be
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  Speaker 1: jumping out at her, she wouldn't even flinch. She has
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: emotion though, like she can be happy, she can be excited,
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  Speaker 1: emotions that occur in other areas of the brain she
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  Speaker 1: still experiences right, but fear is not one of them.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: And what I found most interesting is that she was
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: once mugged at knife point. This poor woman she was
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: walking down some dark backstreets on her way home at night,
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  Speaker 1: and she was mugged at knife point. Okay, after all
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: of that happened, she just wasn't afraid of it. Well,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: at the time, she wasn't afraid, which is outrageous to
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  Speaker 1: even think about. But then afterwards, after the fact, she
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  Speaker 1: still continued to take that same route home late at
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  Speaker 1: night in the dark, through that backstreet when she had
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: experienced a really a traumatic event in that exact same
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: location where she was mugged. She had no emotional aversion
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: to that location. She had no fear to that location,
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  Speaker 1: whereas anybody else who's been mugged at nfe point would
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  Speaker 1: avoid that at all costs, And you'd probably just avoid
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: walking alone.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: In the dark at all if you'd experience something like that.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, a lot of people don't even do it
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: because of the potential of that happening, right, But this
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: woman didn't experience any of that. So very fucking interesting.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: If you're interested in that, go check out sm and
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: right Fearless Woman and it will come up.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, now let's get into the topic of two day.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: So are you setting the bar too low?
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  Speaker 1: It's really important to know if you are setting the
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: bar too low, because you cut you literally sell yourself short.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: If you set the bar too low, if you set
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: the bar too low for people in your life, for
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: your partner, then they're doing the bare minimum and you're
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: having to then fill the gap of what else needs
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: to be done in the relationship because you've set the
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: bar solo. You're impressed by the absolute bare minimum and
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: you think it's great that. Then you don't expect more
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: from these people from these relationships, from your career, from
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: your job, your employer, and worse from yourself. Okay, So
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: really identify where the bar is set too low and
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: have some just gave some awareness around these things in
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: your life.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Okay. Another thing that I did want to talk about is.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: That a lot of us only have a minimum standard.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: And I think it's important to have a minimum standard.
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  Speaker 1: But you should have a minimum standard, and then you
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: should have an ideal standard. You should have kind of
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: this threshold that sits between these two things. There's the
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: bare minimum of what you're going to put up with,
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  Speaker 1: and if it dips below that, you know that you
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: tap out. And then there's the ideal standard that's what
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: you're always striving towards. It's not something that you have
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: to hit this ideal standard all the time, but it
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: is kind of like a benchmark for you to strive towards. Now,
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  Speaker 1: let's talk about this minimum standard.
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  Speaker 2: A lot of us.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Only have the minimum standard, but a lot of us
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  Speaker 1: don't even have that, and that's a huge problem, okay,
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  Speaker 1: or they don't even know what their minimum standard would be.
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  Speaker 1: And when you don't have that, allow yourself to be
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: treated like shit, and it's you'll you're probably the kind
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  Speaker 1: of person that says, oh, well, next time they'll change,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: or next time it will be different, or I'll give
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: them another chance or or or or Okay. So what
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  Speaker 1: you're going to figure out today is what is my
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: minimum standard? And then what is my ideal standard? And
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  Speaker 1: then you're gonna understand if you're setting the bar to
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  Speaker 1: a low for yourself or not.
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  Speaker 2: Okay.
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  Speaker 1: So I am going to get you to ask yourself
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  Speaker 1: some questions by the end of this episode.
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  Speaker 2: But start start asking yourself.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: These now and then you can write them down later
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: at the end of the episode. Since these are a
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: few categories that you want to be thinking about. For example,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: what is the minimum standard of how you'll be treated Okay,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: what are you willing to put up with? And if
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: it dips below that, you absolutely are not putting up
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: with that. And you've got to make that clear, because
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: if the line isn't clear, then you will put up
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: with worse and worse and worse.
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  Speaker 2: I've done it before.
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  Speaker 1: We've all been there, and we've seen ourselves after six
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: months being with someone that's not right for us, accepting
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: shit that maybe six months earlier we wouldn't have because
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: people start digging away, digging away, digging away. If you've
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: got this threshold that cannot be crossed, then that won't happen.
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  Speaker 2: You'll tap out a lot earlier.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Another one is what stress levels are you willing to
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: put up with? You've really got to make that line clear.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: You've got to say if it gets to a.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Point where I'm not spending time with the people that
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: I want to spend with every week, then something needs
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: to change. My role needs to change. I need to
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: have a talk with someone at work, or something's going
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: to change. You know, it's so easy to think, oh, well,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: it's just this week, it's just this week, and then
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: before you know it, I was having a talk to
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: one of my closest friends. She was like, Oh, it's
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: just a really stressful week. And I was like, Babe,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: you've had this quote unquote really stressful week for about
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: six months in a row, and you've probably cried about
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: work every single week for those six months.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: And she's like, no, no, it can't be and I said, yes,
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: I hear it.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: I'm aware for sure it's been for the last six months.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: And she's like, wow, really do you think? And that's
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: what happens. The problem is when you're so wrapped up
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: in what you're doing, it's easy to forget the details
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: of your own pain in the moment, and when someone
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: shines a light and says, just for the record, you've
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: been putting up with this shit for six months, for
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: one year, for two years, are you going to do
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: something about it, because you obviously haven't done something yet.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Are you going to or are you going to continue
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: living this same shit day and day out?
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, So stress levels is a big one. How you're
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: willing to be treated.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: And also how you're willing to feel about something as well.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: There should be a minimum threshold. What is the minimum
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: standard that you're willing to feel? If you notice that
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: you're feeling shit every single day, but you haven't said
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: to yourself, I refuse to get to a point where
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: every single day I'm miserable, every single day I'm crying
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: without trying to do something about it. Okay, then you're
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: going to get to a point where you're kind of
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: just just treading water with.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Just your head above the surface.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: So always ask yourself, what will it take for me
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: to stay and what will it take for me to leave?
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: In this circumstance, in this relationship, in this kind of lifestyle,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: what will it take for me to tap out? And
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: that is the minimum standard? Okay, get clear on that,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: because if you say, if I'm working in this job
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: and every single day I'm leaving work feeling so flustered
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: and stressed that I kind of even enjoy myself that
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: afternoon and I'm dreading the next day, if that feeling
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: lasts for longer than X you put a timeframe, then
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: that's just past the minimum threshold, and I need to
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: do something about it. I need to tap the fuck out.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: If you don't set a limit, it's gonna keep happening. Now,
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: let's talk about setting the bar too low. What happens.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: If you set the bar too low.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: You're not gonna change, You're not gonna grow, You're not
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: going to choose to look at things differently. You're not
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: gonna ask yourself the hard questions. You're not gonna ask
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: for more from other people from life, and you're not
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: gonna experience more. So let's talk about career. Let's break
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: it down into career, relationships and self. So career right now,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, what expectations do I
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: have of myself in my career slash job whatever it
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: is personally a job, not so much if it's something
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: that you're just doing just to get money, and you're
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: not expecting to grow in that.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Because it's not a long term thing.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: More so career or where you want to be headed
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: as far as your career in your life. So you
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, what expectations do I have of myself? And
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: what are the narratives around those expectations, And then you're
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: going to get a good understanding of where you have
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: set the bar. For example, if you're somebody that has
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: signed up to do a really what you would deem
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: to be difficult course, Let's say, as an example, a degree,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: you have an expectation that you have a good chance
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: of completing that degree. You're not saying to yourself it's
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: going to be easy. You're not saying, oh fucking it's
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: a braze, it's whatever.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: I'm going to love it.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: But you're saying, I'm signing up for this because I
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: have I've set the bar here and I think I'm
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: capable of doing it. If you've you're someone that has
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: has set up an interview for a job that you
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: think is you know, daunting, but you want, then you've
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: set the bar to a certain standard. You've said, weill,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: I'm rocking up to this interview. I'm giving it a
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: red hot go, I'm showing my face, I'm dedicating the time.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I obviously think that it is in the realm of
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: possibilities for me to do this, Whereas on the flip side,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: you could think, oh god, i'd love to do I'd
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: love to do that. But no, no, no, no, I
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: won't look at the difference between the two people. Neither
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: if you have started the degree, neither if you have
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: yet gone to the interview, so you don't know if
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: you're going to love it or not.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: But one person saying I'm.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Going to give it a fucking This is realistic for me,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: So I'm just gonna register and try out, or I'm
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: going to sign up for this interview, whereas the other
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: person's like me doing that na neither. If you know
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: if it's going to be good, you might The person
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: that has signed up for it might start and be
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: like this is shit, I hate it and leave, and
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: that's fine. But they set the bar high, and the
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: bar for them is I'm capable of doing it. So
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: I'm going to put myself out there and I'm going
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: to try it and see if I love it. You
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: don't have to achieve everything, but the beauty of setting
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: the bar high is that you can understand where your
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: real ceiling is. Every once in a while, where is
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: your limit in that arena? Every once in a while,
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: that's important. It's sometimes good to know what your limit
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: is because you're like, hey, this is my absolute limit,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm stretching myself way too thin. I'm not even
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: enjoying my life. But what about a step below that?
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Am I happy being here? And am I doing a lot?
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: You're probably going to end up doing way more than
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: if you set the bar really low, and then just
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: go a little bit above your low expectations of yourself.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Know what you are expecting from yourself, and then ask yourself,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: are my achievements equivalent to what I expect from myself?
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: And most of the time the answer is going to
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: be yes. If you expect a lot from yourself career wise,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: then you're always going to be striving and trying and achieving.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: You might not hit every single goal, but you're going
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: to hit way more goals than if you're expecting less
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: from yourself. So look see if there's a bit of
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: a correlation. If you've always expected not much from yourself
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: because you compare yourself to people, because you have imposter syndrome,
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: then you're only achieving what you set up to achieve,
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: which for a lot of people is they're setting the
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: bar lower than what their capabilities are. Now, let's move
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: on to relationships. Relationships is a really big one for
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: setting the bar low. You can either say that this
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: can happen in the dating scene with what you applaud
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: someone for doing, and it can also happen in a
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: relationship where you're living with your partner or you have
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: children or whatever, and the bar is just set so
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: low for your partner that when they do the absolute
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: bare minimum, you're congratulating them, or you're congratulating them for
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: something that is.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Innately their job.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: And it's fine to be appreciative of your partner, but
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: when you make it out to be that they've done
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: you a favor, when they've actually done something that is
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: their job, then they feel entitled to not do it
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: as often, or that they're doing you a favor, and
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: they feel like they're the one who is now one up.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: They've done this for you, instead of thinking, wait a minute,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: I've got my responsibilities and I have to see to
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: these responsibilities. There's a huge difference. Okay, for example, I
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: was going through again check YouTube, a whole bunch of
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: these things, and there was this thing that was like
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: it was one of those like threads or whatever where
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: people talk about where the bar has been set to low,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: and there was a really there was a big one
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: about mothers, and they were saying that for a lot
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: of these mothers, they were saying that the father would
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: get applauded. One of this one in particular, this woman
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: had just gone through this really traumatic labor she had.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: It was just awful, and she had an emergency cesarian.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: It was just so so intense everything had happened to her.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: She pretty much had to be in a wheelchair for
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: a couple of days because of what her body had
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: gone through, you know, trying to breastfeed this child was
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: like full on.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: And then the father.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: At one point was changing the baby's nappy at the
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: hospital and the doctor walks in and says, oh my god,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: what a hands on father. What a man, What a man.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: No one made a comment about her, the fact that
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: she literally just her body had been absolutely destroyed giving
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: birth to this baby.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: No one had said anything about her hands on.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no no. The father got the applause, and
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: that's what she was saying. This is where the bar
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: has been set really low, is that a man will
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: be absolutely congratulated for changing a nappy. But then people
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: be like, oh, well, it's expected that the mom's going
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: to give birth. Well, fair enough, it's expected that the
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: mom's going to give birth because that's what a mother does.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: But it's also should be expected that a father change
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: is a fucking nappy. At least. Another one is this
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: statement of what a hands on dad? Do you ever
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: hear someone say what a hands on mom. Never, that's
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: setting the bar fucking low for fathers. You're saying, oh,
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: we're expecting you to not be hands on, even though
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: it's your fucking child. So when you are, when you're
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: actually a dad fulfilling your father duties, you are a
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: hands on dad instead of you just being a dad
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: that's actually doing their job, which is great. Good on you,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: But why are we applauding you and not the mother
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: for being hands on? Another one is when a dad
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: will refer to looking after his children as babysitting.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Who are you babysitting for?
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: You know? So this is a big one. When it's
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: like where the bar has been set solow and when
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: wives expectations or society's expectations if the husband's are solow,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: or where the husband's expectations of themselves are solow in
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: the parenting realm that when they do the absolute minimum,
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: they get applauded. Now, let's look at other things around
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: the house, not just parenting. Let's look at if let's
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: just pretend that you are both bringing in income to
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: the household. Obviously, if one person is bringing in the
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: financial income and the other person is the homemaker.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: That's different.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: One person is doing more chores, they're keeping the home home,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: and the other person is bringing the money. Fine, you're
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: not expecting each other.
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: To do each other's job.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: But let's say that you're both income earners, both bringing
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: money in, both working, and then you come home and one.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: Person is taking care of more of the house jobs.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: They're always doing all the house tasks, and they've just
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: taken on that responsibility, not necessarily because they like it,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: but probably because they don't think the other person is
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: going to do it. And then when the other person does,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: like a load of washing or they do laundry for
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: that day, they're like seating, fishing for compliments.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: I did the laundry for you. I did the laundry
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: for you.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: That is a situation where the bar has been set
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: very low as far as house tasks for one of
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: the people in the household, and that needs to be rectified.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: And if your own if you are in a situation
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: like that, you need to pull them up and say
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: you didn't do the laundry for me, you did it
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: for the household which you live in. Now, there are
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: certain people in your life that are going to engage
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: in this thing called performed incompetence, and I could do
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: an entire podcast on performed incompetence. But it's where they pretend.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: And this could be a parent that does this to you.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: A lot of parents do this to their adult children
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: a lot, but often it's a partners can do it too.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Children do it all the fucking time, but it's this
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: idea where they pretend they can't do something, so you
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: end up doing it for them.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Okay, it's this idea of you.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Know, oh I just I tried to do it, and
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: it's really hard, and then every time you do it,
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: you're calling your child or your part or whoever the
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: other person is. They're calling you, I can't do it,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: and then you have to be like, fuck it, I'll
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: just do it for you.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: I'll just do it for you.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: If it's your parents who are getting older, you end
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: up coming over and doing this task for them. You
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: end up having to make all these phone calls for
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: them because they're saying, oh my god, I can't do it.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: They can fucking do it. They can do it. Or
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: it's this idea again.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: I saw it on TikTok where people think it's funny
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: these women that are sending their husbands to the supermarket
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: with a chart of cut out photographs of the products
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: that they need to buy because they're going to go
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: and buy the wrong product. What that is so ridiculous?
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Are you sending a two year old to the supermarket
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: or is your partner going grocery shopping for the couple?
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: For the household?
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: One is I am sending you you are doing this
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: for me, and the other one is one of us
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: is doing groceries. Who's it going to be today? That's
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: how it is. Okay, if your partner has absolutely zero
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: understanding of what washing powder looks like and what kind
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: of butter that you use every single day, looks like
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: there's an issue, there's a fucking issue. Okay.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: That means that that person.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Has no idea of the everyday in and out household
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: tasks within the house. If they don't even know what
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: products they need to be buying. So basically, what I'm
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: saying is that they do know, but they pretend that
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: they don't and it ends up being so annoying for
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: you that you end up doing it yourself. Now, let's
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: say that you're dealing with a child. Okay, with children,
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: they have to be incentives. Okay, kids work on that model. Well,
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: actually everyone actually works on it. It just gets a
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: little bit, not too much more, a little bit more
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: complicated when you're an adult. But everyone works on the
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: model of incentives. So if you have a child, if
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: you're a parent and you have a child, and say,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: we'll try and get my children to do this, but
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: they always do it wrong, they do it poorly, they
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: can't wash the dishes, they're always disgustingly greasy. So I
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: end up doing it myself. Your child, and we're talking
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not talking about child labor here. I'm talking about
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: a kid that's old enough to know what they fucking doing.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: They can clean a dish, Okay, all you have to
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: do is do what my mum did. And she would
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: ask if I'd say, hey, can I go with my friends?
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Did you clean the kitchen? Yes, I
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: did properly, and that would be my answer. I know
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: how to fucking clean a plate.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: But if I had rushed it and had a shit
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: job and expected the whole household to eat off greasy plates,
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: then I don't get to go with my friends.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: It's that simple.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Incentives. Incentives incentives. If I had cleaned the dishes properly,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: if I'd done my job, if I contributed to the household,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: then I can go out with my friends.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: It's so simple. It's fucking simple. And you use that.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: With your children. You give them the resources, you teach
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: them how to do something. You say to them, if
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: you don't know how to do it, reach out to
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: me again. I can teach you as many times as
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: you need, but this is your job, and if you
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: don't complete this job, you don't get X y Z freedoms.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Simple I can tell you right now, I, before the
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: age of ten, was brilliant at scrubbing bathrooms, cleaning kitchens.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: And no one can fold a fitted sheet like myself
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: and my sister because we both understood the incentives what
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: we needed to do to get what we wanted. You
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: do this, you get that. You don't do this, you
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: don't get that simple math. Now, let's talk about conflict
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: in a relationship. Okay, if you have conflict with.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: Someone in your life, and especially if this.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Is happening, if this is a bit of a pattern,
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: whether it's something that you're always arguing about, or whether
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: it's someone that you're kind of on and off dating
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: and it's just not clicking.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: It could be a best friend, a parent.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: If you have conflict and that person doesn't want to
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: resolve it because they don't like the uncomfortable conversations that
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: need to be had in order to resolve it, but
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: they just want to make up and be friends again
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: or be good again, then you have to let them
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: know where the bar is. What is the minimum standard
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: for this relationship to continue or what is the minimum
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: standard for this relationship to thrive? And you can say
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: I love you, but in order for us to continue
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: going as we were and for things to be great again,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: we at the very least need to open our communication
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: a bit more. I refuse to have this really disrespectful
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: thing go down and then act like nothing happened.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: Not angry, but.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: Either the bare minimum for me is to unpack what happened,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: even if we don't agree. And if you're not willing
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: to do that, then the relationship that we had and
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: what we used to have cannot continue. If you set
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: your expectations so low for what a friend can give
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: you or what people in a relationship can give you,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: then you're going to put up with with not having
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: your feelings respected. You're going to have to put up
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: with never being heard, never being understood, never trying to
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: understand where they're coming from, and always it's always on
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: their terms. A relationship should never be.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: On one person's terms.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: But if you set the bar low for you the
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: expectations that you have of that person, then that's what's
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: going to happen. Now, let's move on to the last
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: one and probably my favorite one, and that is personal.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: Are you setting the bar too low personally for yourself?
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: The main thing that I'm going to focus on when
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I talk about setting the bar to low for yourself
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: is when you have this concept about who you are
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: as person and your personality traits that most importantly don't
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: serve you that are not going to change. This idea
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: of well that's just me. I'm not going to change,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: or I can't change, that's me, Take it or leave it.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: If you have that mentality about yourself, about features or
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: traits of your personality that are not serving you, then
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: you are setting the bar very low for yourself and
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: for the kind of people that you're going to allow
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: and keep in your life, the kind of relationships that
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: you're going to allow to enter your life and the
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: kind of relationships, the caliber of relationships that are going
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: to exist in your life. If you're someone that's always,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: you know, going on these toxic traits and not doing
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: anything to change who you are because of things that
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: have happened in your past, but you expect other people
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: to put up with it, then you're setting the bar
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: too low. The thing that really grinds my gears the
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: most is that saying of if you can't handle me
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: at my worst, then you can't have me at my best.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: I don't agree with that saying at all. Why should
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: the people who care about you.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: The most have to put up with you at your worst?
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: What the fuck? And your worst is not you having
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: low moments, that's not you at your worst, that's you
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: going through a hard time. But if you're someone that
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: when you're hurt, you treat other people around you, other
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: people who are supporting you, when you treat them horribly,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: then that is you at your worst, and that's not fair.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: So many people think, oh, well, I'm.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: Having a bad time.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I can be horrible, I can treat people like shit
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: because I'm suffering, so everyone around me has to suffer
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: and I'm going to bring them all down. And they're
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: my punching bag because they're close to me, so I
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: can get away with it. They're my emotional punching bag.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: That's just who I am. I'm not going to change it.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: That's just who I am. That is not just who
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: you are, and you can change. The reason you haven't
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: changed is because you haven't so far in your.
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: Life been pushed to do.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: So. I can guarantee you if everyone walked away from you.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: You would changed. No one wants to be isolated.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: No one wants every relationship that matters to them to
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: break down, but.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: The people around you.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: If you are one of these people, the people are
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: and you have just been patient and have put up
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: with it, But for how long and at what cost?
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: So if you're somebody that's always saying, you know, that's
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: just who I am, too bad, then I think you
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: should rethink that. I think you should really rethink that,
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: and then look at the relationships in your life. What
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: are the qualities of those relationships, What is the caliber
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: of the kind of people that you are attracting into
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: your life and the kind of people that are staying
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: in your life? Based on your personal personality traits and
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: how you are treating these people. Now, I'm not saying
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: that you've got to change everything about you so you've
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: got to be a perfect person. If a behavior serves you,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: even if someone else doesn't like it, that's fine. I'm
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: not saying live your life to please everyone around you.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: If the behavior serves you, keep it. If it's something
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: about you that you love, keep it. I'm talking about
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: behaviors that are destructive, self destructive and destructive to a
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: relationship that you yourself might not enjoy, but you just
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: associate so heavily to and it's part of your identity.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: It's not serving you, it's not doing you any favors,
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: but you continue.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: To do it because it's hard to break that tile
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: because you're addicted to the cycles.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: Like, for example, if you're someone that absolutely wants to
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: sleep in every single day, no matter what everyone says
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: about waking up early, it's fine to say, that's just
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: who I am. I'm not going to change. That's not
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: a problem. It's not affecting anyone. You want to sleep
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: in every day of your life, good do it. If
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: it makes you happy, fantastic, that behavior is serving you
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: but I'm more talking about behaviors that impact directly impact
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: other people, like, oh, every time I get angry, I
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: literally verbally abuse my partner. Oh that's just me though, No,
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: kunt no, that doesn't fly. Raise the bar for yourself.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: You've set the bar too low, You've said, even though
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: these traits are destructive, even though it's potentially hurting not
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: only myself but my relationships and the people that I
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: care the most about, I'm not going to change because
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I just don't.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: Think I have it in me. Bullshit.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: You are capable of doing what you put your mind to,
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: and if you're not willing to change these things, then
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: you can't expect people to hang around and put up
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: with it. And what a lot of people will do
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: is it's this self fulfilling prophecy.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: A lot of people won't change these behaviors.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: They'll start dating someone, or they'll have a new friend,
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: and they'll say, watch this person get sick of.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: Me and leave. Watch just wait, wait, just watch them
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: get sick of me and leave.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: Everybody leaves me. Everybody leaves me, and it's a self
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: fulfilling prophecy. Then you treat them like shit, You push
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: them away you push them away with these destructive behaviors,
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: and then they leave you, and then you're like, I
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: knew they were going to leave me. Everyone leaves me,
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: everyone abandons me, and you put the spotlight on the
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: final action, which was them leaving you, So you make
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: it out to be that the negative thing that occurred
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: was them leaving you, when in reality, the negative thing
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: that occurred was the fact that you didn't want to
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: address these behaviors. And then the cycle continues to repeat itself,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: and then you take solace in the fact that you
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: know you're this poor victim that is always dumped by everyone,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: and that becomes part of your identity. Weirdly enough, Be
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: careful with how you treat those people around you and
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: the excuses that you make for it, because even the
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: best people will not hang around forever. Once someone with
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: self respect has had enough, there's no turning back. You
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: cannot change their mind once they have seen enough. Now.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Another form of setting the bar too low is when
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: people talk about their physical or mental But let's talk
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: about physical abilities. Okay, This idea of oh no, I'm
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: getting too old for that, or oh my knees is
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: starting to really hurt that's my old age. Or oh,
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: like I'm noticing that I'm just getting getting less and
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: less active, that's just my old age kicking in. So
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: they'll look at something that's occurring in their life, something
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: that's not going well, and they'll attribute it instantly to
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: old age instead of attributing it to probably a lack
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: of behaviors or behaviors that aren't working for them. But
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: because they are maybe getting a little bit older we
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: all are, they think, oh, no, it's that. And because
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: it's that, I'm not going to try and change it,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: because aging is just gonna I'm just gonna keep aging.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I can't reverse it, so I might as well not
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: even try and do anything about it. That's just me.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: I'm just resigning myself to that. People do that all
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: the time.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: And so then because of that mentality that you have,
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: because you've set the bar solo that this can't change
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: because I'm aging, then you don't try and change. So
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: you get stuck in your ways even more and nothing changes.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: You even see it genera in generations like this generational gap,
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: where thereas people that there's some people that are in
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: older generations that are like, no, I'm really going to
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: try and keep up with technology. It's not going to
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: be at the rate of someone who's, you know, fourteen
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: years old, but I'm going to do my best. Then
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: there's the other population that's like these young people and
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: the technology in my day. This in my day, that
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: what is your day? Your day can be today if
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: you want. It's your attitude towards it. It's when you
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: thought you were in your prime.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: Okay. So if you keep.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: Saying in my day things were like this, In my
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: day things were like that, Well, have fun reminiscing, but
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: you can make this decade your day.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: It's how in touch you are with the people around you.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: It's how in touch you are with culture and society,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: and how in touch you are with the pace of things.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: I know people that are in their sixties that are
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: way more relevant and way more in touch than people
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: in their thirties. Okay, I understand that maybe the effort
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: that you need to put in when you're in your
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: sixties is more, but it's not an excuse. And when
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: you make it an excuse, you only hurt yourself. You
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: slow down way younger than you should be slowing down.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: I mean, I don't think you should never slow down.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: But you're slowing down when you don't need to be
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: slowing down. You're allowing things to break down in your body,
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: or you know your abilities well before they ever need to,
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: and you're resigning yourself to expect less and less and
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: less from yourself. Because if you say, oh, that's my
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: old age, then that means that you're not going to
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: try more things physically, at least, you're not going to
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: be doing all things for yourself. You're going to keep
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: that mentality if I'm getting older, I'm getting older, might
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: as well just start slowing down. Okay, stop doing that
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: to yourself. And then, of course the same thing goes
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: for mental health. If you always say I've always been
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: an anxious person. That's just who I am. I've always
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: been an anxious person, then you might not think, well,
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: maybe I can do something about this anxiety. Maybe this
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: is not an innate thing, but maybe I've just continued
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: to cycle my whole life and I've not ever thought
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: about the possibility for being something different, or oh, everyone
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: in my family's anxious, as if that's going to change, Well,
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: have you tried? Maybe there are certain tools that you
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: can put into practice to change that to break that cycle.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: There's always something that can be done.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: So it's just got to be a matter of how
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: much effort are you going to put what are you
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: going to expect from yourself? And what is your minimum
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: standard for yourself? Okay, if you can raise the bar
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: for yourself, then that will automatically raise the bar for
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: your relationships and for your career. Now, in summary of everything,
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: the things that I want you to write down or
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: things that I want you to think about at the
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: end of this episode is where is the bar set
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: to in my relationship's career and for myself?
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: Where have I set the bar to low?
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Identify where it has been, then say what is going
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: to be my new bare minimum for what I can
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: put up with, whether it's on a date, from my partner,
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: from myself in my job, from what I'm feeling, from
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: the experiences I'm having. And then lastly, what is my
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: ideal standard for all of the above? Where can I
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: set the bar? What would I want to aim for
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: in these things? What would be the ideal outcome if
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: it could be if I could have whatever I wanted,
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: what would it be?
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: And then just kind of aim to get as close
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: to that as possible.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be hitting those things I mean ideally, yes,
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: but if you can, if you can identify the ideal,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: then you can see the gap between where you are
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: and where the ideal is, and then you can always
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: kind of be comfortably working towards that instead of thinking, well,
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: I'm never going to expect anything more from my partner
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: as a fuck it, I'll just congratulate them when.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: They put their plate in the dishwasher.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: You know that there's a standard, and there's a standard,
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: and you choose what that standard's going to be. Guys,
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: love you guys so much. Thank you for sharing the episode.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: I now have an Instagram page for the podcast, which
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: is very exciting. Myself and my manager Maddie are working
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: on building that up and putting clips and stuff up.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: So it's called dyfm podcast. That is the handle, so
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: definitely go check that out tag when you're listening to
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: the podcast.
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: Do you know what some of you guys have done?
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: And it's been amazing And if you guys can ever
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: be bothered, please do this because I love it so much.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: But some of you have even done like reels or.
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: Tiktoks of just certain clips from the podcast that you
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: guys found impactful that you've created into a short clip
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: and then you just listen to it when you need to,
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: and then you've posted it up. I love that so much,
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: so thank you, and then I can share it to
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: the rest of the group as well. So appreciate you
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: guys taking the time and doing things like that, tagging
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: me and everything.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: Love you guys so much.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourselves, be kind to
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: your brands, don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: take shit from yourself.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: Dunker since