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Power and Impotence of the Self-Ideal · Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast

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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Curious
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Mind Podcast. My name is Gabriel Ellis, I'm a
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psychologist, a psychotherapist and a Buddhist scholar and I'd
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like to take deep dives into psychological topics that allow
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you to understand the mind better and to understand also
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the process of psychotherapy better.
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To the topic that I want to discuss today is the power and
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impotence of the self ideal In psychotherapy, obviously, we
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encounter again and again the relationship of us with
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ourselves, be it in the topics of anxiety, depression, problems
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with other people, in the relationship with family members
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or at work. At each of these fundamentally
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important topics, we encounter the problem that we have in
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relating to ourselves. This is somewhat paradoxical,
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that we can on the one hand be ourselves and on the other hand
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also relate to ourselves, and this relationship to ourselves
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can be hopefully easy and encouraging and powering, or it
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can be a problem for us. Psychologists such as Carl
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Rogers and Donald Winnicutt have mostly in the 50s and 60s,
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distinguished between what they call a real self and a false
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self. The false self for them is a
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reaction to pressure from the outside world and the purpose of
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this so-called false self is to satisfy the needs of other
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people and for them. This started an early childhood
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when children learned that it's a necessity for them to
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understand the needs of their parents and sometimes to act
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according to their needs, to the needs of their parents and not
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to their own needs. This becomes obviously highly
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problematic when the parents are very unimpathetic towards the
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children, put their own needs into the foreground, don't allow
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the development of the children to be on their own terms and
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thus dominate the whole interaction to their children
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with their children, with their own needs.
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And the children are suffocating and cannot develop their own
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values, their own understanding, their own space within the
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family system and always have to worry about if they have
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satisfied their parents needs sufficiently.
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So this is the root of the false self for those humanistic
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psychologists and also the psychoanalytic psychologists.
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But they're not only negative aspects to this false self.
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The false self is also a protection for the true self,
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and we use it. Children use it, but also adults
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to ensure physical, social and emotional survival.
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The false self can be recognized.
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The false self usually appears in the form of I should, I must
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or I must not, or I project. This should, must and ought unto
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others. And another common
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characteristic of this false self, when it appears in these
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forms of I should, I must, and so on, that it weighs down the
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consciousness. It is usually not uplifting, but
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it appears as a responsibility, as something that has to be done
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against the intuition in the moment, and it usually feels
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heavy. Now, counter to those early
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humanistic psychologists of the 60s and some psychoanalysts who
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emphasized the development of this false self, we can also
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call it the Super Ego, the Uber Ish and the original German.
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There are views that the there are more opportunities for such
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a false self to develop. It is not only in the early
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childhood, but I would argue that in each breaking points in
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the biography there is a possibility for the shoulds and
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the musts to appear. To give an example, when
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children start to go to school and encounter on a regular basis
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other children in such a formal setting.
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This is another breaking point, a crack point in the biography,
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where they are insecure. They open up to how others
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perceive the world and might and without sufficient self value,
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overemphasize the needs of the others.
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The same. It is of course in puberty.
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Puberty is notorious for the teenagers to emphasize and
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overemphasize the importance to be liked by others and thus to
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give them too much power which has a strong possibility to to
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diminish their own self value and not to develop enough
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authentic selves. This does not end in childhood
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and puberty. There are many more breaking
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points in the adult life as well, for example in the
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so-called time of the midlife crisis where again people become
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insecure of their own status. Ask themselves typically who
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they are, what they want, and there are again possibilities
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for false selves to creep in to the personality structure.
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Now talking about the false self, what is the true self?
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And those psychologists of the early days, they emphasize that
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the true self is spontaneous, is in line with one feelings.
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But this makes it a fleeting thing of the moment, and it make
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makes it plaything of the subconscious needs that are more
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or less satisfied in that moment.
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This is somewhat problematic because what people perceive as
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how they are authentically in this moment can vary from moment
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to moment. On the other hand, the positive
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aspects of being in tune with one's authentic self, whatever
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that means, has the potential to be light and carefree.
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And this makes sense when I refer back to what I said
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before, when the false self shows itself as I must, I should
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I have to or I must not. And that these thoughts usually
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are accompanied by heavy thoughts and by feelings of
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being burdened. Then being in tune with one's
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authentic self, with the true self, accordingly comes along
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with light and carefree feelings.
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Unless deeply integrated in our lives with the values and needs,
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an emphasis of a true self can be difficult if it is not
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integrated and still following the ideal of having to be
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authentic all the time. Being true to myself all the
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time can bring us into a lot of trouble.
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For example, when I live with my partner and I have the agreement
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with my girlfriend that we alternate cooking every day.
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So one day she cooks dinner, lunch, and the other day I cook.
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Now let's assume it is my turn. And then I ask myself, do I
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really want at this moment to cook for us?
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And then an honest answer might be an authentic, a true answer
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might be no. Actually, I want to be lazy,
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lying on the couch and watch Netflix.
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How healthy would that be for myself and for the relationship
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if I emphasized, if I prioritized my true self in that
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moment? And I would de emphasize and de
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prioritize the agreement that I have with her in cases of
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emergency. Every once in a while, of
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course, we can make an exception, but to constantly
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prioritize myself and my true feelings and my true wishes at
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that moment, and to not to care about agreements,
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responsibilities that I have in normal life.
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I think it's clear to see that a consequence of that would be
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that in the long run and the middle run, those relationships
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would suffer. I would suffer at work, I would
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suffer in the relationships, and I would contend and argue that I
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would even suffer with myself. So to use the wrong self, the
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false self is functional and it is normal to use the false self.
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It is very normal to use the false self to a higher degree
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when we navigate the world of work and income because this is
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in the end, this is a transactional field of life that
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we deal with. Ideally, of course, we can be
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also authentic, but not to a very high degree because we have
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our responsibilities towards ourselves and towards our own
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lives to satisfy. So it is normal to employ the
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false self to to a middle average degree in the world of
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the work. It is also normal to employ the
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false self somewhat to a low to medium degree when we maintain
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friendships and partnerships because again, we want something
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out of these relationships. We want comfort, love, a common
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sense of accomplishment, appreciation, all of these very
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fundamental human needs that depend on relationships.
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And I cannot neglect the bond that I have with people and the
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commitment that comes along with it, even to a low degree.
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I need to employ a false self towards myself.
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And again the false self understood in the forms of I
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should. I have to, I must or I must not.
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Again, an example from my own life.
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Since childhood I suffer from back pain.
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At some point I discovered yoga for myself and whenever I do
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yoga for an extended period of time, it really helps my back
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pain. Now, do I always and everyday
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want to exercise? If I really ask myself
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authentically if this is what I want at that moment, often
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enough I would come to the conclusion, no, I don't want to.
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I would loud, I would like to slouch or I would like to read
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an interesting book. I would like to talk to friends,
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but for sure I would not like to, you know, take 30 minutes,
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40 minutes of my time and do my yoga exercises every single day
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or most of the days of the week. Now again, if I emphasize and
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prioritize my authenticity and my true self, I would follow
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those other needs. What keeps me from doing that
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and what keeps me to use the false self, myself ideal and the
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I haves and the I musts, is the wisdom and the understanding of
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what is better for me in the long run.
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In psychotherapy, we encounter problems with the false self all
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the time. Again, the false self is
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actually a good means to an end and it serves to satisfy the
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deeper purposes of life, not the momentary needs that I have.
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The deeper purposes of life are my health, my social life, love,
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relationships, financial security.
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All of these I need, and I employ the false self for these
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purposes. As I observe it currently,
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though, the false self and inauthenticity on inauthenticity
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have a really bad reputation. It's almost an insult and it's
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frowned upon to advocate or to use or to admit that one uses
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aspects of the false self, of the self ideal of the Super ego,
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as if there is a atmosphere in society that forbids to admit
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that. And we have to be.
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This is the mixing today. We have to be as authentic as
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possible. Also in psychotherapy and in
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self development, I observe that the focus is on replacing
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actions based on the false self as much as possible and too
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uncritically to replace them with actions based on the true
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self. And this has consequences in
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real life. Such an uncritical employment of
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a basic, a fundamental rule that only the true self is valid and
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we should as much as possible act upon the true self, leads to
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real life issues because it is based on a fundamental
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misunderstanding of the function of the self.
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The function of the self, the eye or the ego, however you want
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to call it, is not to maximize authenticity and thus to become
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a plaything of circumstances and emotions.
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The purpose is that it has a special task, the task to
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navigate the Organism safely on the river of life.
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If you want to use that metaphor.
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And to do this, the eye, the ego, the self has to make very
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complex decisions. It has to pursue different kind
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of goals, for example, the goals of pleasure, the goals of
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satisfaction and the goals of sustainable success in all the
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different fields and issues in life.
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And in order to do that, the false self and to employ the
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false self and self ideals is absolutely necessary to be
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authentic Is 1 variable in this very complex calculation in
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everyday life, but should not be basically taking over the whole
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purpose. A problem with using the false
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self and self ideals occurs only when our navigation, the
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navigating the life is too little based on our own
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experiences with ourselves and the experiences with the world.
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If we don't understand our experiences, if we don't make
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sense of our experiences in our world, then our actions are not
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based on our own true experiences.
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And because we in the end we have to make decisions.
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If we don't understand our life, if we don't understand,
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understand ourselves, inevitably we have to take the criteria of
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other people. So we look at our parents, we
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look at friends, we look at YouTube celebrities, we look at
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self help gurus or books of therapists and Stoics or
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whatever, and we use their formulas for the navigation of
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our lives. But this must be misleading.
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When we do that, when we use the formulas of others, then I've
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not taken responsibility for my for navigating my own life.
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And if I follow the goals and the mixing and the ideas and the
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formulas of others, it will not lead me to my goal.
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It will lead me astray. It will lead me to the wrong
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direction. And obviously, if I go in the
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wrong direction, I will be lost. And this is the common
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experience that I have with many people who go go into therapy.
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They are lost and they feel lost and they don't have or have lost
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their connection to their inner compass.
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And again, this is due to not understanding oneself and not
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understanding one's own experiences with oneself, with
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other people, or with the world in general.
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In therapy, this becomes apparent when the mind is too
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busy with how people say, with how I should be or with how my
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partner should be, how my family should be or the world should
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be. So again, an indication of A2
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wrong space, too much of A space of the false self of being lost,
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of not valuing and understanding one's own experiences, is when
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people are busied and worried with how they should be and
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others should be. And when they have too little
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recognition of others, of how others and how themselves
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actually are with the limitations, with their
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characteristics as they are within needs, as they are, with
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a fantasies as they are. And This is why in therapy, it
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is so valuable to use the reality as a basis for the
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future navigation of one's life. And this means you get need to
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know, to get to understand yourself, to get to know
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yourself. And in this process also to get
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to know and to understand the people around you.
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And after that, I can then take into account the real self and
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the false self aspects inside of me and to make the combination,
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to apply them wisely to different fields of life in
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order to fulfill that higher purpose, which is to navigate
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myself, to navigate my Organism into a hopefully safe and
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satisfying and happy future. With this approach to
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psychotherapy, I'm in good company also with Hegel, the
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philosopher who applies a similar principle to philosophy.
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In paragraph six of his Encyclopedia of Philosophy, he
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writes, and this is my translation.
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Separating reality from ideas is particularly popular with the
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minds who consider the dreams of the abstraction to be something
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true, and is vainly concerned with the should, as if the world
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has been waiting for them. To find out how it should be.
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But philosophy, he continues. Philosophy only deals with ideas
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that are not so powerless as to only should and not really be
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OK. So often the language of
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philosophers is complex and dense.
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What Hegel says here, what he claims, is that what only should
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be is powerless, and this is also what we can see in daily
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life and what I observe in therapy.
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If people constantly mourn and complain about work, society,
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their partners, themselves, and so on, if they are lost in how
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everything should be and how they should be, how their
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partners should be, then they are in a position of
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psychological and philosophical powerlessness and impotence,
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which directly translates into feelings of unhappiness.
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The feeling of the position of powerlessness is one of the
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worst that human beings can be. We can observe this in animals,
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we can observe this in children. They get desperate and frantic
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when they are in positions of utter powerlessness.
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And to position ourselves to positions, our thinking, our
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ruminating mostly in the field of how another should be,
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automatically makes myself powerless and creates feelings
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of powerlessness, feelings of unhappiness.
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Now this is the starting point of therapy, of the therapeutic
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process and the healthy development is to carefully work
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out who I really am, the realistic basis, the
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appreciation for who I am and who the people around me really
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are with our needs, with our hopes, with our limitations,
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with our characteristics. And we use this as a basis, our
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basis for our contemplations of what I actually want to become,
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who I actually want to be. Why this is healthy is that in
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those explorations of who I really AM, automatically there
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is an emergence of the true potential that I have, not a
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false potential that is imposed on me by the ideas of others,
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parents, friends, celebrities and so on.
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What emerges is the should and the want based on how I actually
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am. So what emerges is automatically
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integrated into my potential and into my path, and that goes
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along with an ease that further enables a healthy development.
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I hope this reflections help you to understand the place, the
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value, and the limitations of the false self and gave you an
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idea of what the true self can really be.
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I will. I can refer you to other podcast
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episodes to this topic. You will find them both with
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reflections on philosophy, psychotherapy, and spirituality.
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I covered this topic a lot in the hopes that you will get a
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better intuition and an explicit understanding about the
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possibilities of the true self. Let me know in the comments.
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Let me know in messages if you have further questions, if you
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have wishes, and what topics I should deal with in the future
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as well. Thank you for your attention.