Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep5: Age Is Just a Number, Stop Asking! 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep5: Age Is Just a Number, Stop Asking! 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I am the same age as Oprah Winfrey.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: We were born a couple of years apart.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Is that true?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: We were born a couple of months apart in the year of Brown versus the Board of Education.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: So we grew up with the civil rights movement.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And it changed your whole perspective.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: It was on TV all the time.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: It was part of a dinner time conversation.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: It was in school.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was in church.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was everywhere.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I still remember the slogan from back then.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, free at last.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: We shall overcome.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all gonna get us all killed.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Them white folks gonna be mad.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: But Oprah has famously said that 60 is the new 30.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oprah's a damn lot.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: 60 is the same fucking 60 as always been.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's the number after 59.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can't get from 59 to 30.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: That don't even make no fucking sense.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: It makes you wonder how much money do you have to have to get your own math?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it don't even mean people need to stop with all that this is the new that.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: But then you got 90-year-old people, 90 is the new 80, 12 is the new four, four is the new toddler.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: What the f orange is not the new black.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: If it was, Donald Trump would be head of NAACP.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I wish I had Oprah mask.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: You would see me in the grocery store, they'd be like, that's$412, that'd be uh-uh.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Not by my mask.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I figured you owe me two dollars and twenty-two cents.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: But keep the change, I like you.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: But that's power to be able to change the whole definition of old.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, with me and over with kids, sixty was old as f.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: If somebody told you they was sixty, you got sad.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be like, oh.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I like you.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And Oprah got sixty, ain't nobody sixty.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't sixty, ain't nobody old.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing power.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I had that kind of power.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oprah got uh bread, ain't got no calories.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: You remember when she was talking about I eat bread every day, plus twenty-two pounds.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: You're a damn lie, no, you didn't.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I smell bread every day, gain 40.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I can gain 22 pounds looking at food.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I was trying to lose weight because we have this idea if we lose weight, we'll lose age.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: You'll feel like a 22-year-old.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Use a damn lot.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just be a skinny ass old person.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: But when, you know, summer was coming, you know you get conditioned, so if you start trying to lose weight, so you can have that summer body, you know, and I was working real hard at it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then one day when I was pulling some skin off some chicken, it dawned on me.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, they make bigger clothes.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: So you should have seen me wrapping that skin back around that chicken.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: I got some bacon and some toothpicks, I got some cheese.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: I fried that shit.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because like every woman, I do have an inner skinny woman.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we all have that inner skinny woman who nags us, you know.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I know I do cuz I ate her.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: That bitch tried to get between me and the refrigerator on one of them midnight munchie runs, I'm like, uh-uh, that's your ass.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I've gotten to where I accept my weight, and I don't want to lose weight because I'm old.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: And if I'm gonna waste a weight of nothing, I want it to take a long fing time.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: But as a senior member of this crew, I have to tell you a couple of secrets.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: One, your grandmother's a freak.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: People think, see, we're the generation that invented sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: And we are still sexing and drugging and rocking and rolling.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's just now we have to take drugs so we can sex and rock and roll.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: But that's not the point.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: People have this weird idea that old ladies just sit around rocking.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Think about cookie recipes for children.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you something.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Your grandmother could give a s about your children and your cookies.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: We don't care.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Taught you how to make cookies, so you should have brought us some fucking cookies.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you should have did.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if I'm sitting around rocking, I might be sitting on something.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, baby, don't pay no attention to that buzz and noise.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's the refrigerator.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: It does that with this fool.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because granny got a magic wand.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about, right?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Looks like this.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: She keeps it in her nightstand, up under the nightgowns on her side of the bed.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: You see it.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Get you one.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: The young women, y'all invest all this money on all these devices and stuff, do all this kind of stuff.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need that.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Get you an old-fashioned Hitachi magic wand.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: But don't get the one with the batteries.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want that.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's annoying.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's wimpy.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Get the one that plugged in the wall.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the one you need.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to tell you another secret.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: You have old people to thank for recreational marijuana.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right, cuz we've been smoking reaper since back when people was calling it smoking reaper.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to tell you something, when your grandmother is sitting around rocking, she fed up.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Old people still get hot.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: We be smoking.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: We like to get hot and play games.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: We like to go outside and get in the way.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Go around, you little sh.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I am gay, thank you so much.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I came out in my sixties.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Came out publicly.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: You come out in stages, you know, but I came out publicly in my sixties on Facebook.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what old people do.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: We f around on Facebook.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Facebook is a 21st century version of sitting in the window yelling at people.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Get off my pay.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Take that sh on the other side of the internet.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: But growing up, I didn't know I was gay.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I just knew I was different.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they told me.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: They said, you're different.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Which means they fing knew.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't tell me.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know how much pussy I didn't get.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: They called me a tomboy.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: But I wasn't a tomboy.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was a baby dike.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: They should have let me be a baby dyke.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I would have been a lot happier.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: But as I get older, and now that I'm out and stuff, I find myself new to the community.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I still don't know all the gay rules and stuff.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't know even what to call myself.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you know, am I butch, thud, trim, fud, mud, what the f yes, I'm wearing a fedora.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I have them sensible shoes.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm wearing a brain pan.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: I I am wearing a strap on, but that's not the point.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: But like I said, it's hard coming out, it's hard growing up.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I found out uh just recently that God is a black woman.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: She's talking, I've talked to her.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: She told me to tell you she's pissed.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's your fault.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: But she also told me that the world needs to be mothered.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: That we've been fathered long enough.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know what fathers do.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: They fuck mothers.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: But we've been motherfuckers for the car's a national mom.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: We need a national mom.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: We do.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we need somebody to just take over, just somebody just walk into Congress and just stand there and make everybody shut up and feel guilty.