Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E38 - The Wave Model: From Tsunami to Tide

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S3E38 - The Wave Model: From Tsunami to Tide · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast,
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion series,
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  and I would like to introduce
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  a visual concept
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  for
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  what happens
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  before child-centered play therapy
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  and after child-centered play therapy
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  in terms of the child's behavior and
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  the levels of what goes on in a child's world,
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  pre-therapy and post therapy.
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  And I know probably that introduction didn't even make any sense.
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  I promise it will at the end.
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  So,
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  one of the things that I strive to do,
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  one of the things that I train other therapists to do
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  is to come up with
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  metaphors and stories
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  and analogies
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  and insight that helps parents that really know very little about
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  child-centered play therapy or maybe even play therapy as a whole.
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  How can you illustrate something in a way
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  that someone without the knowledge and the training.
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  They can see it or hear it or listen to it and go,
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  yes,
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  OK,
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  I get that.
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  And this,
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  what I'm about to share with you is one of those illustrations.
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  I typically draw it.
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  So when I'm sitting down with a parent in the first
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  initial meeting,
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  I typically draw this out because I think it's easy to visualize it.
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  But one of the things that most parents
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  have in the way of a goal
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  or what they're hoping for
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  if they pursue child-centered play therapy
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  is that the extremes
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  are not so extreme anymore.
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  In other words,
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  if your child is anxious,
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  the extreme levels of anxiety
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  reduce.
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  If your child is aggressive,
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  the extreme levels of aggressive aggression reduce.
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  If your child is especially shy and quiet and timid,
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  maybe
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  chooses not to speak to certain people,
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  the extreme nature of that goes away.
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  The,
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  the extremes
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  are where we struggle the most.
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  That's universally true.
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  Any age,
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  any issue,
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  we,
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  we avoid extremes.
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  And so,
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  when we think about child behavior,
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  The fact that they are emotional beings,
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  the fact that they live in the here and now.
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  They're not rational.
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  They're not cognitive.
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  They don't have abstract reasoning.
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  These are all concepts that we've already addressed.
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  So,
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  take all that in.
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  And then we land on,
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  kids are going to have extreme behaviors,
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  extreme emotions,
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  extreme reactions.
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  That's pretty standard.
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  And until they develop
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  regulation
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  and emotional vocabulary
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  and self-control
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  and worldview and all these things we know CCPT provides.
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  They struggle to rein that in
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  because
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  the world is scary and life is scary and things are overwhelming and I have these big
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  feelings and I don't know what they are and I don't know what to do with them,
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  and I have to show you how I feel
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  and I can't talk about anything because I'm not verbal yet
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  and I can't think about anything because I'm not rational yet.
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  And we look at quote extreme behavior
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  and it just gets under our skin.
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  Stop screaming.
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  Stop throwing things.
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  Stop running away from me.
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  Stop
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  these extreme behaviors.
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  We have such little tolerance for them.
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  So I think part of this episode
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  is to help reframe
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  this is not to irritate you.
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  This is not to get under your skin.
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  It's not to be the thorn in your side.
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  It's not to be manipulative.
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  It's not attention seeking.
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  We explain away extreme behavior in 1000 ways to Sunday.
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  The reality is
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  kids don't know any other way
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  to handle
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  the big feelings.
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  Everything is big to a child.
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  And without rational
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  ability,
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  without cognitive ability,
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  without reasoning ability,
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  without verbal ability,
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  without an emotional vocabulary,
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  I hope it's easy to see,
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  well,
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  no wonder.
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  It changes the whole dynamic and the whole perspective.
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  So,
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  I think part a
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  of this episode
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  is really just kind of
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  reframing this
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  because the extreme behaviors,
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  we have such
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  frustration levels,
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  we have such intolerance,
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  and
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  that's not really appropriate or helpful.
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  It is what it is for the child.
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  Once they start to build skills,
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  they behave and respond differently,
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  and the extremes are not as extreme.
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  OK,
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  so that's kind of the reframing that needs to take place.
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  But here's back to the visual illustration.
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  When we think about children
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  that are dysregulated,
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  that don't have self-control,
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  that don't have an emotional vocabulary,
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  that
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  are struggling to communicate appropriately,
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  you put all those things in,
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  we're going to have really high highs and really low lows.
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  So if you imagine.
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  I'm doing it with my finger,
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  but you can't see me.
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  So you're gonna have to,
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  you have to have visualize this.
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  Think about big spikes
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  up
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  and then down,
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  up and then down,
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  up and then down,
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  like afib,
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  maybe,
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  you know,
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  on a heart monitor.
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  So you need to think about these huge spikes
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  in both directions.
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  So a huge upward spike and a huge downward spike,
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  kind of with the,
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  the horizontal line in the middle.
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  All right,
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  that's normal.
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  Untherapized child behavior.
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  If a child is dysregulated,
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  if they're overwhelmed,
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  if they're upheaved,
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  if they don't have coping,
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  if they don't have self-control.
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  That's standard.
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  So if,
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  if you're thinking about these huge spikes up and down,
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  you're going,
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  yeah,
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  that's exactly how I would describe my kid.
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  I'm hoping that you're going,
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  oh,
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  so maybe this is normal.
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  This whole time I've been thinking,
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  what the heck is wrong?
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  Maybe I'm realizing this is more normal.
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  Normal is air quoted because
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  it's still disregulated.
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  It's still maladaptive.
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  This is not where a child wants to be.
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  This is not where a child can be.
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  But that's where they are right now,
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  appropriately so.
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  So,
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  imagine the horizontal flat line,
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  huge
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  pointed spike up,
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  huge pointed spike down,
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  and repeat that over and over and over again.
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  So,
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  when a kid gets excited and happy,
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  they get really excited and happy,
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  and when they get angry,
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  they get really angry.
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  And when they are scared,
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  they are through the roof with anxiety.
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  And then when they are disappointed,
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  they just can't bring themselves out of the pit.
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  OK,
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  so,
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  huge highs and lows all the way across.
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  That's pre-therapy.
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  Drawing.
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  What happens through the course of child-centered play therapy.
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  And let's go back.
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  Let's kind of remind ourselves,
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  we have 4 universal outcomes.
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  And if you didn't listen to that episode,
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  please go back and listen to this series in order.
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  It's really meant to
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  support you and help you understand what to expect
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  and what's going on in the therapeutic process.
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  So,
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  season 1 and 2.
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  All kinds of topics,
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  all kinds of things that we've addressed.
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  So,
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  I mean,
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  listen to all three seasons,
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  really.
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  But
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  if you're not familiar with Four Universal outcomes,
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  go back and listen to it because
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  what
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  we know is that no matter why a child pursues
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  CCPT and or parents pursue it for them usually.
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  We know that those personal issues are going to be addressed specifically,
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  but then there are 4 things that happen regardless
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  of why a child begins the process,
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  and they are increased emotional vocabulary,
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  increased self-esteem,
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  increased worldview,
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  and increased regulation.
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  So,
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  we think about these huge spikes.
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  Up and down,
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  that's standard for a child pre-therapy.
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  And as they develop these four capacities,
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  so they start to
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  be able to accurately identify their feelings
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  and then effectively communicate them,
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  that's emotional vocabulary.
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  They develop regulation.
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  So they are able to self-control.
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  They're able to calm themselves down.
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  They're able to
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  manage
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  big things more appropriately,
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  increase worldview.
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  I learn
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  that my actions have consequences,
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  and I learned that what I do impacts other people.
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  And I have other orientation that I didn't have before.
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  I can understand that I don't want to negatively impact someone that I care about.
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  And increase in self-esteem.
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  As they feel better about themselves,
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  they naturally behave in more self-enhancing ways.
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  So you swirl all of those outcomes together,
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  plus
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  the therapeutic process,
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  which means the relationship and the environment.
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  We've talked about that a lot.
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  And the child's individual work,
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  specific to them,
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  unique issues that they brought in,
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  they're going to address those two.
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  You put all of that in the CCPT pot and you stir it up
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  in a big vat.
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  And what happens is,
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  let's go back to this horizontal line with the huge
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  spikes.
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  Now,
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  you're gonna think about almost like a cosine wave.
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  And if
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  you have no idea what AFib is and you have no idea what cosine waves are,
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  just look them up because you need to be able to visualize this.
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  But I'll describe it for you.
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  Think about a really small
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  little
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  hump
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  and then a little hump down and then a little hump and then a little hump down.
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  It's like a very mellow rounded.
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  Not super high,
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  not super low.
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  It's just kind of like right along that horizontal line,
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  just this gentle little fluffy little wave.
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  That is what happens after therapy.
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  We still have ups and downs.
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  Let's be really clear,
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  the goal of CCPT is never
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  take away
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  highs and lows.
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  The goal is never to have a flat kid that is the same all the time.
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  That'd be a fool's errand,
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  #1.
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  #2,
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  that's not honoring who the child is.
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  So we expect there's still going to be ups and downs.
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  There's still going to be highs and lows,
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  but here's what happens.
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  Instead of these massive spikes up and down
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  that go really high and really low,
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  and they're really sharp and they're
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  really aggressive and they're really intense,
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  we have
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  rounded,
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  small,
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  fluffy.
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  Waves that are up and down now.
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  Why?
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  Because the intensity is reduced,
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  the frequency is reduced,
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  the duration is reduced,
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  the recovery is reduced.
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  So,
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  do we still have a moment where a kid gets really mad?
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  Sure.
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  Do we still have a moment where a kid gets really nervous?
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  Yes.
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  Do we still have a moment where
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  they kind of quote,
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  fall apart?
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  Sure.
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  But it's for 38 seconds
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  instead of 3 hours.
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  And it only happens once a month instead of once a day.
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  And
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  we see all of this
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  indication of regulation
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  where,
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  look,
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  kids are still emotional beings.
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  They're still here and now,
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  they're still governed by their feelings.
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  They're still not rational.
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  They still don't have the verbal capacity to tell you what's going on.
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  So
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  that,
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  none of that changes.
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  But they are more consistently calm and regulated and in control.
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  So typically what I do is I draw the horizontal line,
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  I draw the big spikes up and down,
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  and then I draw the little wavy
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  line
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  all on the same piece of paper.
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  And we bring ourselves back to that as we go through the process.
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  Because that helps us understand.
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  Closer to the center line we stay,
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  the more healthy and regulated we are.
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  That's the goal.
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  We're not taking away
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  the ups and downs.
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  We're just making them manageable and we're
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  getting rid of the extremes because remember,
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  the extreme
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  is where we find the biggest levels of intolerance and frustration.
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  So I hope that that gives you a visual that
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  kind of settles and that you can make sense of,
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  you know,
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  chat with us about your therapist if you're
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  actually working with a play therapist in CCPT.
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  But
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  even if you are not
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  pursuing play therapy
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  now or in the future,
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  I hope that that helps you understand
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  that as you continue to pour into your children and as you continue to use
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  CCPT approaches with them.
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  The four universal outcomes come from interaction with you as well.
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  We've proven again and again in studies that
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  when parents use CCPT skills with their children,
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  it's more effective than therapists.
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  So
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  you do not have to have your child in CCPT
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  to go from those huge spikes to the rounded calmer waves
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  if you are implementing
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  the same principles and interacting in the same way,
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  preserving the relationship,
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  unconditionally accepting your children.
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  You can have the same outcome
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  with your children.
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  By recognizing the the way to interact with them
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  in a child-centered fashion.
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  So hope that that's helpful to y'all.
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  I love you.
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  Have a great week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
• 13:11
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.