Latest / Grounded Growth / Mothering from Rest, Not Guilt
Transcript
- Stephanie Petry: Hi, welcome to. Nicole Ghirardi: Hi, welcome to Grounded Growth Podcast. I'm Nicole Girardi. And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Stephanie Petry: ⁓ And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button. Nicole Ghirardi: Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button Stephanie Petry: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Nicole Ghirardi: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Hi, welcome back. I am Stephanie Petrie. I'm Nicole Girardi. And today's episode is starting a brand new series, and we are calling it Motherhood Rooted in Grace. so the first one in this series is be about mothering from rest rather than from guilt. So motherhood is a role that God has given us, not the identity God has given us. So it's a role, not an identity. Our identity is first and foremost a daughter of the king. And that changes the way that we should approach motherhood in general. And grace changes the goal. So God never asked us to be perfect, a perfect mother. Faithfully steward the children or child for me, the time, the gifts, the opportunities that he has entrusted to you. and so rest requires trust. sometimes the reason I cannot rest is because I am acting as though everything depends on me. and rest says God is still God, even when I stop. and then you know. and then also my children are not mine to control or save. It's hard for me to talk with children in plural because I only have one, but I hope it's like resonating with y'all that have more than one kid. So our children are not ours to control or to save. They belong to God and I can faithfully point him toward the Lord without taking responsibility for the outcomes that only God can control. And finally, just mothering from grace means holding my plans loosely. and so I want to be responsive to God's leading rather than so committed to my own expectations that I miss what he is doing right in front of me. Agreed. And I think one of the biggest shifts for me has been realizing that motherhood was never supposed to become the place where I proved myself. God gave me this role, but he never asked me to make it my own identity. And when I forget that, I start carrying a weight he never really intended me to carry. So what does mothering from rest actually mean? Well, I think first, rest is not the absence of responsibility. it is the presence of trust. So I can have a full calendar, difficult parenting moments, and a long list of things that need to get done, and still have a heart that is resting in God. is me to a tea. I have had to ask myself though, what am I actually afraid will happen if I stop? So sometimes underneath my striving is the belief that if I am not constantly managing everything, then something will fall apart. So that is the slippery slope that I have to be careful of. Motherhood is a role, not my identity or also my soul's ultimate purpose. and so I am a daughter of the king, as we said at the beginning, before I am a mom. My child is incredibly important to me, but they were never meant to carry the weight of my identity, of my purpose, or my fulfillment. And that can be hard for some moms to hear out loud. So stick with us. when I make motherhood my ultimate purpose in life, I can begin to. idolize that role that God gave me. And remember, an idol is anything that we love more than God. I become overly consumed with my kids' choices or their success, their behavior, their future, because I've forgotten who is actually sovereign over their lives. And Gospel Mom, which is a book written from the Risen Motherhood Ladies. a gospel mom understands the realities of a broken world while still rejoicing that nothing can separate her from God's love. So motherhood happens east of Eden is what they say in their book. there will be hardship and disappointment and disobedience and things I cannot fix, and grace will meet me right then and there. I don't have to parent from fear or of getting it wrong, because I am in Christ. There is no condemnation. conviction can lead me toward repentance and growth, but condemnation tells me that my failure defines me. that's another one that like I had to really journal about because mom guilt is a thing and that's something I struggle with, especially being with a working as a working mom. sometimes the most faithful thing that I can do is hold something loosely and say, Lord, I trust you with this child, this circumstance, and this outcome. and I know that you know these things sound pretty lofty or even like Yeah, right, Seth. however, when we surrender, that is the harder part of it. So the thing that we're trying to release is something we deeply love. it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. we're just putting our priorities in perspective with the Lord first. the more we love our children, the more tempting it can be to believe that we have to control every other outcome for them as well. And I think that's where It's so hard to let go of the guilt. you know, it's so hard to shake for you because the standard is impossible. Everyone has this high pedestal, you know, example that they think this is what a mom is supposed to be. And I was there for a long time. Thank goodness I'm not anymore. Because I was trying to reach a goal that I could never hit. And that was the hardest thing. there's always more. we could be doing. Or so no matter how much we pour out, it never feels like it's enough for us. And that's hard for us. we also compare ourselves to other moms constantly. And social media hands us everyone's highlight reel. And while we're living our own behind the scenes. And I think that's a really big thing that we've really brought up the last couple series is Is Facebook makes a picture perfect family and you don't know what's going behind scenes. So I'm gonna be like, Stephanie took Adam and Travis, like so-and-so, blah blah blah, not knowing that it probably was chaotic trying to plan it or trying to figure out schedules. You don't know any of that. You just know about you just know that of them having a good time. And so I mean, and One famil one kiddo versus two kiddos versus four kiddos and a breeding bunch of eight kiddos, whatever the case may be, is so different. So we have to stop comparing ourselves, especially to those Facebook pictures. and we feel responsible for everything. I mean, we have to meal plan, we have you know, making sure and putting every milestone and memento together for the kids, every mood that each kid has, as if our kids' whole outcome rests on us alone. And that's not The case whatsoever. A lot of us have quietly tied our worth to how our children are doing. So when they struggle, we feel like we personally failed at, you know, doing something and striving for our kids. And we have to stop thinking that way. One of the books that I've been reading and mentioning a lot lately is Faith Chang's book and Peace Over Perfection since a lovely friend of mine got it for me. she knows I love to read. So it calls this the perfectionist ache and that quiet exhaustion of believing in grace with our heads while still feeling like we are never quite enough. And motherhood is where that ache gets so loud. and you know, in all honesty, I carry a lot of that guilt almost all the time because if I rest, I feel like I should be doing more. You know, there's laundry that needs to be done, the floors can be done. I can be spending time with Jojo working on multiplication or, you know, it just we get in our heads so much. And there's there's no winning to that game whatsoever. So my guilt spikes right after I lose my patience too. you know, I snap, go figure. I feel like this has kind of been an example for me in the last series. but I snap over something small and then spend the rest of the day replaying it and deciding I am ruining. And that's just not fair to me. It's not fair to the kids. And God doesn't want us to do that either. another book that I have been reading, I read many years ago, and I actually started reading it again just because I'm in a whole different other season, is Becoming Mom Strong. she has a book as well as a workbook for like a Bible study. and this is from Heidi St. John. And she writes that So many of us mother from a place of feeling exhausted and inadequate, trying to do in our own strength what only God can give us strength for. That is me most of the days. That's good. Yeah, it's good. And that book is good. So if you're looking for a new book, I highly recommend that one. And the hardest truth is that guilt masked as love. it feels like proof that we care for our kids. but really it just keeps me striving and robs me of the grace that God is holding out for us. So when we cannot let go of that guilt, it does not just stay a quiet feeling. It starts shaping how we actually show up at home. So what does it look like when guilt runs the show? So for me, it looks like guilt can become a subtle form of self reliance. so instead of trusting God's grace, I try to compensate for every mistake by working harder and doing more and becoming more intentional overworking. and so I can start believing that if I just find the right routine or say the right thing or make the right decision I can somehow guarantee the outcome. But that's not parenting. That's trying to play God. And I am not the Christ. And so I have to distinguish between the Holy Spirit conviction and condemnation. And so conviction says that response was not loving. Come to me, repent, and grow. Condemnation says, you are a terrible mother and you will never get this right. when I am living under guilt, I can lose sight of God's actual purpose for motherhood. And I am not called to manufacture a perfect child. I am called to faithfully love and teach, discipline, model, pray, and point them towards Christ. one of the most freeing truths for me is that God is not limited by my circumstances or personality. he can work through my strengths, he can work through my weaknesses, he can work through my mistakes and my limitations. and even the things I wish that I would have done differently, he can still work through that. I don't want to react to the life God has given me. I want to respond to it faithfully. and there is a difference between controlling my circumstances and stewarding them. so when I am trying to control those circumstances, that puts you in the active form, that puts you as the responsible one for the outcomes. whereas if you are stewarding something, you have the intentionality, you have the plan, but again, we hold that loosely. so you know, my child does not need a mother who never struggles. and he needs a mother who knows. Where to go when she does. And that is back to Jesus. Yes. And for me, it looks like saying yes to everything out of guilt. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. You know, every activity, every request that they have until I'm completely depleted and no good to anyone. you know, it's being physically present, but then mentally somewhere else. Half listening to the kids talking about their day while my mind is checking off everything else that I have to do when we get home. And I have really tried to stay present. I mean, we got a 45-minute drive just from back and forth to school now. So it's being present in that time that it's their time, it's not me time. And really being able to, you know, give where I may get a three-word sentence from Jack. But Jojo is the one who wants to share all about our day and it's giving that undivided attention that sometimes I always feel like I'm checking everything else off that we have to do. but that's also me not making lists anymore. And right in my planner, I've even thrown out my daily and weekly planners. And now I just have a monthly planner. my goodness. It's such a good feeling. That's so good. It's such a good feeling. So yeah, new Nicole. Let's just talk about the planning stuff later. But it also looks like overcompensating, buying the thing or planning something elaborate to make up for the moments that you felt like you've I fell short or somebody else fell short for them. it looks like snapping at my family. Go figure. Nicole has this lovely trait of hers because I'm running on MC and then piling one more guilt you know, for the snapping of the kiddos. it also looks like never being able to just enjoy my kiddos. because rest feels irresponsible when there is always more I could be doing. and what steadies me the most is me remembering that God has never once parented me with guilt. That's good. Yes, and he leads me with kindness. And that is the kind of mother I actually want to be and that I'm striving to be. Mm-hmm. And this is Poppy, by the way. I know. Poppy's making a appearance in our podcast. She's jealous. If you're watching on YouTube. So thankfully we are not left stuck in that guilt on our own. Jesus meets tired, guilt worn moms with something completely different from what we expect. So what does Jesus show us about this? I'm so so grateful. matthew 11 28 says come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and i will give you rest I love that Jesus doesn't say, come to me once you've gotten your life together. Right. he says, come to me when you're weary. And carrying a burden. that's real. Jesus shows us that rest begins with coming to him, not with finally getting everything under control. so I noticed too that Jesus doesn't promise that motherhood or life will suddenly become easy either. he offers his yoke. and we will have responsibilities, but we don't carry them independently of him. and so he says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. So this is where Gospel Mom has been so helpful to me. I can be free from the punishment of sin while still wrestling with the power of sin. that's the piece of the already not yet that sometimes we get. all up in our heads about like how in the world can I be completely free and saved in Christ, but yet I'm still struggling with sin. that's that's the Christian life. And and we will wrestle with that power of sin. But the good news is is that you are no longer a slave to sin. You are now Christ's and you have the Holy Spirit that you can fight and choose to obey him and not sin. even though we still will. I can fail as a mother without being defined by that failure because Christ has already paid that sin for me. and Jesus never asked me to become my child's savior. there is already a savior and I am not him. and that is incredibly freeing. and so I can love Travis, I can love my child deeply without believing that their lives are mine to control. I can teach and discipline and guide and pray and model faithfulness while trusting that God is the one who changes hearts. And even Jesus did not do everything that could possibly be done. This was another one I journaled about this week. Jesus did not do everything that could possibly be done. So just let that settle in for a second. So if Jesus didn't do everything that could possibly be done, why do we feel like we have to constantly do all the things? he lived according to the Father's priorities. And so what are those priorities that the Lord's calling you to? And is it in alignment with what you're prioritizing? that challenges me because sometimes I confuse being available for everything with being faithful to what God has actually asked of me. so rest is ultimately an act of faith. it says, God, I believe you are working even when I am not. it's not something we need to have guilt over. and that is probably the heart of this whole conversation for me about mothering from rest and not guilt. Mothering from rest doesn't mean I care less. It means I finally understand that caring deeply does not require controlling everything. I can pour myself out faithfully while still leaving the results in God's hands. So the question becomes, how do we take this beautiful idea of grace and actually live it on an ordinary Tuesday or Thursday when you're listening to this? And when the kids are arguing and the schedule changes, we're tired and we're tempted to believe everything depends on us. So hit us with it, Nicole. All right, here's some practical tips for for some rest instead of guilt. receive before you pour out. This is a big one. you cannot give your kids a peace you have not received first from God. So start the day in his presence, even five minutes, so you mother from full instead of empty. grace is not the reward for good mothering, it is the fuel for it. So for me, this looks like getting up early before the kids get up and sitting with my coffee and you know, reading a few verses or going through my roots journal. or I just got this new spiritual habits Bible from a lovely friend of mine. And reading that and just reading it and taking in his word, even if it means setting your alarm just a little bit earlier. that that's a big one for me. number two, refuse the comparison. Put down your phone when scrolling turns into measuring. When you feel like you're comparing yourself for to one to another. Even we we try to feel like even if it's not mothering, it's we're comparing us as to another Christian or whatever the case may be. Comparison is what kills us. And that is something we have to throw out the window. remember, you're not behind. You are just holding everyone else's highlight reel next to your real life. So you don't, you're you're just doing that comparison, and that's just silly for us to do. Ask God what He actually called you to do and let that be enough for you. that looks like me. a lot of times I've been working really hard, especially now that school's back in play, putting my phone out of reach. so first thing in the morning, I do not even have it accessible to me before I jump into God's word. It's just a requirement me for me. I don't need to see somebody else's life before I see God's life. And what God wants to have for me. same thing goes at home, like when you guys are doing dinner. Put the phone away and just ask those intentional questions. number three, rest without guilt. This is a big one. rest is not laziness, it is obedience. And even God rested on the seventh day. so in Shannon Knowles' hundred days of less hustle. More Jesus is a good reminder that real peace comes from slowing down with Jesus and not from hustling harder. And that's a hard one for us working moms because we want to work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, get home, and we still have all of the work to do there. And we still have to be a mom and we still have to be a spouse, and we still have to be a dog, you know, carer or and everything else that's going on. And that we have to slow down and know. that it's not coming from hustling harder. let your kids see a mom who trusts God enough for to stop. And that one hit me. Like I I'm really trying to, you know, intentionally sit down for a few minutes before or after all of the activities from work and school instead of racing off to a checklist of, hey, I got to get all of this done. And then thinking, I'll rest at the end of the night. I want my kids to watch me rest. So then that way then they know that it's not always on the go and going crazy and you know doing everything. Because I feel like the kids sometimes feel like that. They're like, we have to go home and we have to do our chores right away and we have to do this and we have to do that. Just take a few minutes and just sit there and like talk to them about their day or whatever the case may be. the next one is reset with grace when you fail. so You will lose your patience. And when you do, repent, receive grace, and begin again. So a quick, I'm sorry, will you forgive me? Teaches your kids more than pretending you never fail. do not let one hard moment become a whole hard day in your head. So that looks like me owning up to my mistakes, apologizing for the quick snappy answer. And asking for them to forgive me instead of just moving on like it didn't happen. So taking that time. next one is right size your yes. this one was a hard for hard for me, but it's a work in progress, is you do not have to say yes to every activity for the kids and expectations, so that you feel like you're being a good mob. You can't have the kids in four activities a piece and think that you can run your day. I mean, one activity with my two kids is exhausting already. There is no way that, you know, anyone like Jack can't get into football and debate, even though he wants to, like one or the other. Jojo, she wants all of these fun activities after school. And I'm like, we got dance or you can do an activity. We can't do it all anymore. so every guilt driven yes is a no to your own margin and peace. protect the space your family actually needs. More than the things that just look good for you. and like I said, this one was hard, but that looks like pausing before I commit to one more thing and asking, is this a yes God is asking of me or a yes my guilt is asking of me? And last but not least, remember whose they are. Your children are ultimately God's and He loves them even more than you do. You are not their savior, like Steph said. You are their mom. And that is a relief, not a demotion. Okay? Hand them back to him each morning and let that quiet your heart. So it's praying for your kids, you know, praying over your kids by name in the morning and handing them back to God before the day even starts. that's also maybe just even closing the evening today, the evening together in family worship time or you know, praying at the end of the night. Praying throughout the day, doing all of that is going to significantly help. it was so encouraging to hear you talk about the right size of your yes. That was good. and I've been able to see you doing that. And that's it's I know it's been hard, but it's hard work. It feels so good now. After After, you know, you get the guilt of saying no, but then you're like, thank goodness I said no. And yeah, yeah. And I think mine is definitely the rest without guilt. That one is that one's hard. Yeah. so maybe the freedom that we're looking for isn't found in finally becoming the mom who does everything right. maybe it's found in becoming the mom who knows where to run when she doesn't. and that brings us back to grace. The grace that met us before motherhood, the grace that meets us in motherhood, and the grace that will carry us through it. so we're gonna close this episode with just some encouraging thoughts as we wrap up. And the third first thing I want, if you don't take anything else from it, is take this, is God is not asking you to be a perfect mom. He is inviting you to be a rested one who leans on him. You do not have to earn your worth through your mothering. It was settled by Jesus long before you ever became a mom. So pick one guilt you have been carrying this week and hand it to God on purpose. He is not keeping the scoreboard you think he is. And like Faith Chang puts in her peace over perfection, God never had any illusions about our goodness to begin with. So he is not up in heaven disappointed in you. He knew exactly who he was calling into this. So on the days the guilt is so loud, do not try to outwork it. Come back to Jesus, let him carry what you were never meant to carry and mother from that rest. And just my last thoughts were just that God's grace is bigger than the places where you feel like you have failed. so I want you to stop asking, am I doing enough? And start asking, Am I faithfully following God with what He has put in front of me today, right now? because we don't want to look back and see a mother who has exhausted herself trying to create a perfect childhood for her kids. we want to see a woman who loved Jesus, who loved her children, who trusted God and repented when she was wrong, and faithfully pointed her family toward him. So I we can mother from a place of grace because we are daughters who have received grace. So our next episode in this series of motherhood rooted in grace is raising kids who know God. So next time on Granny Grove. Next week, we are talking about something every Christian parent deeply desires. How do we raise kids who actually know God, not just know about him? So we'll talk about the difference between passing down our faith and helping our children develop a faith of their own and what it looks like to point our kids toward Jesus without trying to manufacture their relationship with him. You won't want to miss this conversation as we continue our motherhood rooted in grace series. Bye. Bye friends. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, Stephanie Petry: Thank you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, stay grounded and keep growing. Nicole Ghirardi: stay grounded and keep growing.