Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why Narcissists Won't Tell You What You Did Wrong To Them

Transcript

Why Narcissists Won't Tell You What You Did Wrong To Them · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So why don't narcissist ever tell you what you did wrong to
• 0:05
  them? Like when a narcissist is mad at
• 0:07
  you and they're screaming at you and they're yelling at you and
• 0:10
  you ask them what did I do wrong?
• 0:12
  Why are you yelling at me? Why are you so angry at me?
• 0:14
  Why are you giving me this silent treatment and they don't
• 0:17
  tell you to answer? Why is that?
• 0:19
  That's what we're talking about today, y'all.
• 0:21
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:22
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and I give you the inside look at the
• 0:26
  mind of a narcissist and we're going to hop right into it,
• 0:28
  y'all. Why is it, Well, you know, I, I
• 0:30
  was doing a call over Zoom the other day, y'all, I still do
• 0:33
  those mental illness.net for all things Lee Hammock.
• 0:39
  And she was just like, what? The one thing, one of the things
• 0:41
  that frustrates me the most or frustrated me the most while I
• 0:46
  was in this tacit relationship was the fact that he would flip
• 0:50
  a switch and be angry at me and would never tell me what I did
• 0:54
  wrong. I just could not get the answer
• 0:56
  out of them. And like, he would leave and
• 0:59
  then he would go cheat. He would just be angry.
• 1:02
  And then he would a couple days later or the next day, he would
• 1:05
  pretend like nothing happened. And they would frustrate me.
• 1:09
  And I was just like, OK, what did I do wrong?
• 1:11
  So I won't do the same thing again.
• 1:12
  And when I asked him, you know what he said to me when I asked
• 1:16
  him, Lee, I was like, let me guess.
• 1:18
  She's like, you gonna guess? I'm like, yeah, let me guess.
• 1:20
  He said you should know what you did wrong.
• 1:24
  If I have to tell you, then you you won't ever learn on your
• 1:27
  own. She's like, yeah, she got
• 1:30
  silence. She she was on the zoom.
• 1:31
  Her eyes got literally her eyes did this.
• 1:35
  So do you know my husband? I like, I am your husband.
• 1:39
  No, but seriously, I told her straight up.
• 1:42
  I was like, no, I know the mind of a narcissistic person.
• 1:46
  Like when I'm doing these one on ones over Zoom or even when I'm
• 1:48
  making my regular videos like this one, I put on what I call
• 1:50
  my narcissist hat and I just go deep into the mind of a
• 1:53
  narcissist, right? I just start thinking about
• 1:55
  certain things. I'm like, this is what a
• 1:56
  narcissist would do. This is what a narcissist would
• 1:58
  say. And one of the main things that
• 2:00
  they they don't do, they don't tell you what you did wrong
• 2:03
  because that benefits them. That's one of the simplest ways
• 2:08
  I can put it out. It benefits them directly to not
• 2:10
  tell you what they have done wrong, to not tell you what you
• 2:14
  have done wrong. This way they can prolong the
• 2:18
  anger, the fake anger that they have towards you, right?
• 2:21
  They can prolong it, right? They can prolong the anger
• 2:25
  longer and they can do what they want to do.
• 2:27
  They can go out, say what they want to say, do what they want
• 2:30
  to do and act a complete monkey, right?
• 2:33
  They can do all this stuff stuff act a complete monkey with
• 2:36
  everything that's going on and then just try to go about their
• 2:39
  day like nothing happened and then do it again and then they
• 2:42
  can do it again. And that right there frustrates
• 2:45
  a lot of people too because they'll do it again.
• 2:47
  I know y'all like damn, this is greatly, this is crazy.
• 2:50
  Like they going to do it again. Yes, they will absolutely do it
• 2:54
  again. They will tell you straight up
• 2:56
  that you they won't tell you what you've done wrong, but
• 2:59
  they'll do the same thing over and over again.
• 3:01
  And this leaves you in this state of denial, this state of
• 3:03
  trying to change something that you don't know what to change.
• 3:06
  And guess who that benefits? The narcissist, right?
• 3:09
  That benefits them directly. It benefits them directly to not
• 3:13
  tell you what you've done wrong. This way they can pretend to be
• 3:17
  angry all the time and they can get away with it over and over
• 3:21
  again. And because you don't know what
• 3:23
  you've done wrong, you are. You are consistently guessing,
• 3:27
  right? You're always guessing what you
• 3:28
  like. I got to change this about
• 3:29
  myself. I have to change that about
• 3:30
  myself. I have to do this.
• 3:31
  I have to do that. Like you're always guessing and
• 3:34
  trying to change something about yourself based on what they
• 3:38
  have, based on their behaviors and their actions towards you.
• 3:41
  Not something that you've actually done wrong, but just
• 3:43
  based on something that they've told you themselves.
• 3:45
  You see how that works? That's insane.
• 3:48
  But that's the insane mindset of a lot of narcissistic people.
• 3:51
  They want to keep you confused. They want you to keep you
• 3:53
  guessing and what not because it benefits them.
• 3:56
  Everything a narcissist does is going to be to that benefit.
• 4:00
  Very rarely are they going to do something again, very rarely are
• 4:04
  they going to do something that benefits somebody else and they
• 4:08
  don't get anything from it. Very rarely does that happen.
• 4:11
  They're very rarely going to be selfless people and do something
• 4:14
  that doesn't benefit them directly in some way, shape or
• 4:17
  form. Even when they're giving the
• 4:18
  even when they're donating to the charity or giving to the
• 4:21
  homeless or whatever right there, that still benefits them,
• 4:25
  that still benefits them directly.
• 4:27
  Well, how does that benefit them?
• 4:28
  Because they get to feel good feeling they feel good about it.
• 4:30
  I look what I did, look what I did.
• 4:32
  I gave, I gave to the homeless. I donated to charity.
• 4:35
  That was me. That's all to their benefit.
• 4:37
  They're going to keep doing things that benefit them
• 4:40
  directly because it just does. And another reason why they
• 4:44
  don't tell you what you've done wrong is because they don't
• 4:47
  really have a reason. Y'all, let's be real.
• 4:49
  There are a lot of delusional, narcissistic people that don't
• 4:52
  really have a reason to be angry at you and they just can't.
• 4:56
  It's just something that goes on into my mind.
• 4:58
  I just, I just get angry. I just shut down and I don't
• 5:01
  know why I do it. So if I don't know why I do it,
• 5:06
  how can I explain it to you like you can I use this example right
• 5:12
  here? Like we could be out to dinner
• 5:14
  at a very fancy restaurant. Everything could be going,
• 5:16
  everything could be going well, Like the optics could be optic
• 5:20
  king, right? We could Optic King.
• 5:23
  Everything looks good from the outside.
• 5:25
  Going in like the waiter or the waitress comes over, makes a
• 5:28
  little joke. You laugh too hard.
• 5:32
  Now the night, the night is ruined.
• 5:35
  I laugh too crazy. But I laugh too.
• 5:37
  It was a funny joke. I laugh too.
• 5:40
  We you know, I laugh too. It was a funny joke.
• 5:42
  It was hilarious, right? It was a funny joke, but you
• 5:48
  laugh a little too hard. I'm like you.
• 5:54
  I'm looking at you like this now.
• 5:55
  Now I'm angry. So why am I angry, though?
• 5:57
  I don't know why I'm angry. But now I'm angry at you.
• 6:00
  Now I'm giving you the silent treatment.
• 6:02
  Now tonight is ruined. Now I'm acting.
• 6:03
  Look, now I'm withdrawing from you.
• 6:07
  You see how that works? Now I'm withdrawing from you.
• 6:09
  Now you just like, what the hell?
• 6:10
  Hey, hey, babe. What's going on?
• 6:12
  Like something that I can do something wrong.
• 6:14
  And you're like, no, nothing's wrong.
• 6:17
  Nothing's wrong. Nothing happened.
• 6:19
  I don't know why I'm mad, so I how can I tell you why I'm mad
• 6:23
  if I don't really know what the hell happened?
• 6:26
  So now I'm ashamed because I'm angry.
• 6:28
  I don't know why I'm angry. I'm ashamed now, so I like now
• 6:30
  I'm angry. Now I'm angry at the fact that
• 6:32
  I'm ashamed. So how can I tell you what's
• 6:34
  going on in here if I don't know what's going on in here?
• 6:37
  You see what I'm saying? Like I know it sounds foolish.
• 6:39
  I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's literally how the mind of
• 6:42
  a lot of narcissists work right there, y'all?
• 6:43
  It really truly is like and right.
• 6:46
  So right now, let me say this right here, right now, because
• 6:49
  I've been in therapy for eight years, right?
• 6:52
  I understand why I was angry. I understand it now.
• 6:57
  In those moments, I felt like this person was funnier than me
• 7:00
  and you laughed a little too hard.
• 7:02
  So that means you want them over me.
• 7:03
  So now I feel less than you made me feel smaller, which is
• 7:06
  stupid. I agree.
• 7:08
  That's something that I have to work on.
• 7:10
  You activated my insecurities when you laughed a little too
• 7:14
  hard at this person's joke. You see, you activated my
• 7:21
  insecurities there, but I couldn't explain it back in the
• 7:23
  day. I can now because I've done so
• 7:26
  much inner work, right? I've done so much inner work
• 7:29
  that I understand exactly what was going on in those moments.
• 7:32
  Right now I do. But back in the day, Hell not.
• 7:34
  Yeah, No, I'll be, I'll be eating silent treatment, right.
• 7:38
  I'll give you the silent treatment in and I don't know
• 7:39
  what the hell is going on. I don't know why I'm mad.
• 7:42
  I do now, thank God. But back in the day now, I had
• 7:46
  no idea. And this, it's again, again.
• 7:48
  It's again, again. I know that it sounds
• 7:51
  ridiculous. I understand that it sounds
• 7:53
  ridiculous. I absolutely do.
• 7:55
  But again, this is the mindset of a narcissist.
• 7:58
  This is how our mind. Yeah, this is literally how our
• 8:00
  minds work. Like some things we just cannot
• 8:03
  explain. There's a different part.
• 8:04
  There's a different part of us inside of us that gets activated
• 8:08
  at certain things. And we cannot shut it down.
• 8:12
  No, we cannot turn it off, right?
• 8:14
  We absolutely cannot turn it off.
• 8:16
  And it sucks that we can't turn it off because I wish I could.
• 8:19
  Yeah. I wish there was a way that I
• 8:21
  can get inside the mind of a narcissist and just like kind of
• 8:24
  operating on their minds and just like, look, you got to be a
• 8:27
  little bit more OK here. You something you got to be.
• 8:30
  You have to let a lot of this stuff go.
• 8:32
  I wish I could do that right to let every narcissist know.
• 8:35
  But there is a ton of narcissist out there who won't at the end
• 8:38
  of the day, who won't care. Like some people like being
• 8:42
  narcissist. And I think this is the part
• 8:43
  right here that's going to frustrate a lot of people is
• 8:46
  that some people actually like being narcissist.
• 8:49
  Y'all, They really do. They absolutely do.
• 8:52
  They like being narcissist, they like being toxic.
• 8:54
  They like being themselves because this is how to get their
• 8:57
  needs met. And they can't explain why they
• 8:58
  like it, but they just enjoy doing it.
• 9:01
  So when the next time you're dealing with a narcissist and
• 9:03
  you're asking them what they do, what they why they are angry at,
• 9:05
  you understand that sometimes they don't know.
• 9:08
  But also, I'll say this right here, y'all, if you don't know
• 9:13
  why your narcissistic partner is angry at you, right?
• 9:17
  If you don't know why they're angry at you, don't start giving
• 9:21
  them reasons why. Don't start giving them reasons,
• 9:25
  right? Do not start giving them reasons
• 9:29
  to be angry. Like do not just like, it's
• 9:30
  because I did this. It's because I said that.
• 9:33
  It's because I went over here. It's because I talked to my
• 9:35
  friends. It's because I because I, I went
• 9:37
  over here because my hair, because my shoes, because my
• 9:40
  shirt. What is it?
• 9:43
  You see, when you start giving them reasons, now you're
• 9:46
  activating them even more so that they're going to be angry.
• 9:49
  Don't start spouting stuff off because once you do, I'm telling
• 9:54
  you, once you start doing that, then you lose.
• 9:57
  Once you start spouting things off that you have possibly done
• 10:01
  wrong, you lose. Because now they had now you've
• 10:04
  given him ammo. Look, they had look, they had a
• 10:07
  a gun with with blanks. They had a gun, a Pew Pew with
• 10:10
  blanks. Now you've given him bullets,
• 10:13
  You giving him metaphorical bullets, right?
• 10:15
  So now they can just Oh, I didn't think about you how you
• 10:17
  were dressed, bow. I didn't even think about dead
• 10:20
  hair bow. I didn't think about those ugly
• 10:22
  ass shoes Bow. I was even thinking about your
• 10:25
  ex. Wow, you see what I'm saying?
• 10:28
  You're giving him ammo now, so now they're going to be madder.
• 10:31
  Do not, do not list off things that you think you've done wrong
• 10:36
  because it will not serve you. It absolutely would not will not
• 10:40
  serve you in any way, shape or form to list off your your your
• 10:44
  thoughts, your the things you think you've done wrong.
• 10:46
  Do not do that. But I promise you at the end of
• 10:49
  the day, it will continue to mess your mind up.
• 10:51
  It will continue to do to do damage to you.
• 10:53
  It will continue to do a lot of different things to you.
• 10:55
  You have to protect your peace y'all in these situations,
• 10:57
  because narcissists the people are can be very, very horrible
• 10:59
  to you. At the end of the day, they
• 11:01
  really can. Anyway, y'all, they have a ride
• 11:03
  with me today. Click one of these things on the
• 11:06
  screen right here to watch another video but also mental
• 11:09
  illness.net. Check out my courses 50% off my
• 11:12
  courses into the code mothers or fathers for 50% off my highly
• 11:16
  rated five star courses at mentalhealth.net to help you
• 11:19
  understand what you went through and to help you heal as well.
• 11:22
  Hit the subscribe button y'all and my peace.