Latest / Miss Understood with Rachel Uchitel / Parenting Expert Dr. Adolph Brown Teaches Us How to Be a Better Parent

Transcript

Parenting Expert Dr. Adolph Brown Teaches Us How to Be a Better Parent · Miss Understood with Rachel Uchitel

• 0:00
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  Speaker 1: to real conversations in a new language today. Welcome back
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: to Misunderstood. This is Rachel Yucatel. I'm a single parent
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: to my 11-year-old daughter, as a lot of you know,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: and I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing a good job.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Do you guys ever feel like that? I wonder if
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I'm making the right decisions for her. I mean, how
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: do we really know what we're doing is the right thing?
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Do I give her too much, not enough? It's a
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: never-ending battle to be a good parent, or at least
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: what we think a good parent is. Today, my guest
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: is an expert on just that, Dr. Adolph Brown, better
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: known as Doc Brown. He's a clinical psychologist and parenting expert.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: You guys are going to love this episode. He opens
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: up about his own childhood, how it affected his parenting.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: He has eight kids, you guys, and what parenting styles
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: he uses. We even delve into my own childhood and
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: discuss how my family relationships have been affected and how
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: they affect how I parent. Talking to Doc actually gave
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: me confidence that I might just be doing okay with
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: this parenting thing, and it might give you some confidence
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: as well. We talk about how kids deal with trauma,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: how they learn from each other, and when you should
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: push your kids to step outside their comfort zone. Doc
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Brown also gave me great tools on how to talk
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: about some hard topics with my own daughter, and I
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: think you guys will really love what he had to say.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: It will really affect how you make choices to talk
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: to your own kids. So we're really focusing today on
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: what is misunderstood about what makes a great parent. So
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: take a listen to the expert, Doc Brown, and find out.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Doc Brown, thank you so much for joining us on Misunderstood.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. Of course.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: So you are a parenting expert by trade and by
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: personal experience. You have eight children. Is that right?
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: That's correct. Wow.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: So, I mean, I have one and three dogs and
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: that already seems like, you know, it's a struggle getting
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: through the day. So we'll get to that because I
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: want to hear how you do it. But I want
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: to talk about your childhood first. I know you were
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: raised by a single mom. I know you experienced some
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: really terrible tragedy in your childhood. How did that affect you, obviously?
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: But explain your childhood to us a little bit.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: Definitely. Um, my mom and dad divorced after being married
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: many years. We had a solidly middle-class upbringing. And, um,
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: one day my dad woke up and said, I don't
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: want this anymore. So we went from middle-class to inner
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: city poverty overnight. Um, once we were in that environment, um,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: I'm one of five considered the middle. And, um, It
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: was really difficult. I was actually feeling their distress. Uh,
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: the living circumstances were very different and, you know, everyone
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: missed our dad. Um, my oldest sibling and only brother
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Oscar became a hero and he was murdered when I
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: was 11. So, um, I was already kind of on
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: and off, um, the good path versus the straight and
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: narrow versus the bad path. And I had grandparents who
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: were farmers and they stepped in my life more so
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: once my dad left. So I spent a lot of
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: time on a farm in the summer and inner city
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: during the school year. And I am who I am
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: today based on that mixture of both. My mom did
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: a wonderful job Whenever she's interviewing with me and someone
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: says single parent, she corrects them and lets them know
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: that it was a village, that she didn't do it alone,
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: that she had my Aunt Lorraine, my grandparents. She had
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: school teachers that cared about us. So she always says
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: that single parenting is often a misnomer when you talk about,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: you know, it wasn't just one person. It was a
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: whole bunch of people who cared about me.
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  Speaker 1: So did you ever see your dad again? Was it
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: split custody or he just started a new life?
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: No, no, I did see him again. Had a lot
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: of respect for my dad. My dad was probably the
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: most authentic person next to my granddad that I'd ever met.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: My dad woke up that day and said he didn't
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: want it anymore. I kind of just wish he had
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: waited until I'd grown up to become a psychologist. I
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: would have helped him with his midlife crisis. Oh, wow. Well,
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: that's what it was. And back then, it wasn't something
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: that everyone necessarily talked about or even knew exactly what
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: they were experiencing. So, you know, my dad was a
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: straight— he passed during COVID or with COVID during the pandemic. Oh,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. But straightforward person, showed up authentically. I
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: am who I am also because of that guy. He
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: would tell me that you show up who you are,
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: but depending on who you're talking to, you don't become
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: someone else. You just don't give it all to them.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: So he had a lot of forethought and wisdom. He
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: actually went back to my mother or attempted to go
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: back to my mother about a year and a half afterwards,
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: the split happened. And she said she couldn't trust that
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: he wouldn't do it again. So even to his death,
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: he said that she was the best person that had
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: ever entered in his life. And, you know, he regretted it. Wow.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: So did you have a teacher that inspired you to
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: because I know later on, obviously, you become a teacher,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: you educate people. But, you know, you talked about how
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: there's a village. So was there someone in there that
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: that really inspired you to do what you're doing now?
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Definitely. I had some ones. I had bunches. You know,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: everyone talks about that one teacher. I just had a
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: bunch of teachers who, in my opinion, you know, they
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: had a lot on their plate, but they knew what
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: to eat first. It was a different time for educators
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: where classrooms weren't as large, where testing wasn't the most
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: important goal of education. I'm a classic introvert, and I
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: didn't learn about that until a middle school retreat, church retreat.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: And it doesn't mean we're shy. It just means we
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: don't get our energies from others. So I love to read.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I get my energy or re-energize alone. So I had
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: teachers that kind of pushed me in the forefront that
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: would say, you're bright, you're smart. I want you to
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: do this. I want you to try this. And those
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: weren't things that I would normally be interested in. It
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: wasn't that I was afraid. I just wasn't interested. So
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: it kind of started happening in third grade with Ms.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Susan Kalman. who told me that I would make a
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: great SCA president. And I said, okay. And I sat
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: back and she goes, well, you got a campaign. And
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: it wasn't something I wanted to do, but it was
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: something that I needed to do for, you know, for
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: this process. And it went, it went well. And I
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: just had teachers all along who just encouraged me to
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: step out of my comfort zone of, of, you know,
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: a book in my hand and, you know, in my thoughts.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I'm a single parent too. And I have found that
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: it is very important that my daughter connects with her teachers.
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  Speaker 1: Cause I think, you know, there's a lot of stuff
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  Speaker 1: going on at school. Sometimes the good kids or the
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: kids on the straight and narrow don't make a And,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: you know, I love going to those parent-teacher conferences because
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: I get to know them and I get to like see,
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: you know, their interaction with my daughter and see what's
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: going on. And I agree that, you know, educators are
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: so important and especially at a younger age for kids,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of places for them to get role models, right?
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: So it's not just your parents. So I think education
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: is a huge part of it. Well, obviously your wife
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: became a huge part of your life. So how did
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: you meet your wife? Because clearly- Parenting, which we're going
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: to get to, is probably half the battle is finding
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: the right partner. Not only that you're marrying the right partner,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: but if you're separating for that person, that they're the
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: right partner to co-parent with. So I think the person
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: is really important.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Love that you mentioned that. So I want to step
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: back a moment and say that when we were talking
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: about parenting, teachers that can see that child who doesn't
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: necessarily raise my hand and say, pick me.
• 9:37
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  Speaker 2: In parenting, one of the most sought-after traits that parents
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: want for their children is they really want their children
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: to be extroverted. They want their children to be that
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: child that's seen, that child that has 100 friends, that
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: child who's. So it kind of goes against that person
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: who isn't necessarily on all the time, so to speak. Right, right.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: So fast forward to meeting my wife. I met my
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: wife at the College of William & Mary. My wife's
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: from New York. I'm from Virginia, Virginia Beach, Virginia. And
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: she was a freshman. I was a sophomore. And we
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: spent a lot of time studying together. And we actually
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: started our family in college. Um, exactly. And it wasn't
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: planned by any means. I won't come on your show
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: and pretend that it wasn't something that, um, we said
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: that that's what we're going to do. However, uh, studying
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: led to other things over time. We both knew that
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: we were in love with each other and, um, we
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: started our family and it was extremely challenging. It took us, um,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: going around the world and back again, you know, we
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: had our first child, um, 34 years ago next week.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: And we've been married for 23. So it took us
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: a while to get it right. Oh, wow. And that's
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: the reality of sometimes putting the cart before the horse.
• 11:43
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  Speaker 1: But that's really interesting that you say that. Well, first
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  Speaker 1: of all, it's clear you were kids, right?
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: When you had a.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Kid, so you're probably parenting different then than you would
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: have been throughout the course of the other seven kids,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: even though it sounds like you were kids for a
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: decent amount of time when you had some of them. Um,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: so I want to talk about parenting styles. What, um,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: you know, how important is it that you have a
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: partner that has the same parenting style? What if you
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: guys had different parenting styles? Did that even come up?
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure it didn't when you're in college,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: but did you know about it then?
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: I was learning about it. I was a psychology and
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: anthropology major and minoring in English and, um, actually English
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: minoring in education. My wife is a biochemist. So she's
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: the more analytical, looking at the nuts and bolts where
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: I'm a big picture person. So, yeah, we did honestly
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: have some disagreements about how to parent as college students.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: I felt like at the time. that it was important
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: to be there more often than we were. And it
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: was tough. Daycare was offered on campus. And I wasn't
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: a proponent of daycare. I wanted our son to have
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: everything us, so to speak. And she was a little
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: bit more flexible. She wasn't necessarily reading the books that
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: I was reading. And I wasn't Given the advice that
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: I'm giving now, when parents ask me, Dr. Brown, what
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: book should I buy? What parenting book should I read?
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: I often tell them to buy the book with your
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: child's picture on the cover. So what I'm saying there
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: is that there's really no one that can honestly tell
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: you how to rear your child, but what they can
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: give you are tools in your toolbox to do better.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Well, it's so interesting that you're saying that because, you know,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: people are very protective of how they parent, but they're
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: also very judgmental of how others parent. And, you know, well,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: let's talk about the fact that you were.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: Don't miss the USL Championship Final on CBS, November 21st
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: at noon Eastern. Will the Pittsburgh Riverhounds retain their crown
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: or will a new title winner emerge? Don't miss the
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: conclusion to the 2026 season, Saturday, November 21st At noon
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: Eastern on CBS.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: That you have a show that you've been co-hosting with
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Allie Wentworth. That's a fantastic show for people that haven't
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: seen it. And it's called The Parent Test. And it basically,
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: you're putting different parenting techniques to the test. Can you
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: explain the show?
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: Sure, sure. We have 12 parents on the show. who
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: basically said that they have the best parenting style in America.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: And we gave them tests to see how their children
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: and how they would respond under these certain conditions based
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: on their parenting style. So you have parents that did well.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: You have some parents that had epic fails. So I
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: think what happened.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: You mean fails because they didn't realize it was not
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: going to work when the cameras were on? Like, what
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: do you mean? If they've been doing these parenting styles forever,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: how did it kind of backfire on the show?
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: Well, I think what happens is that you assume that
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: you've covered all the bases. You think that... You know,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: when your child's seven, what you're doing with your child
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: at seven is going to work at 12. So to
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: be wedded to any one style, when children have what's
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: called developmental stages, when adults have developmental stages, we all
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: change and we all grow. So what happens is parents
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: get really stuck in this is what we're going to
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: do and we're not changing when the only constant in
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: life is change. So that became the issue. When we
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: change situations, when we change scenarios, when they had multiple
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: children and sometimes they treated the children as a cohort
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: as opposed to every child being a study of one.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right.
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: Well, I was going to ask you that. How important
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: is it is picking a style, like whether or not
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: you're a helicopter parent, whether or not you're, you know,
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: raising them to, you know, have, you know, excellence and
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: in every single sport and language and everything like how,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: you know, basically, actually, I want to move back for
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: one second. Sorry, I have too many dogs here. Give
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: me one second. We'll edit this out. Okay, I'll get
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: back to the question. I'll start it over so we can.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on, you know, picking a parenting style?
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Do you think that people are picking based on their
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: experience as a child?
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: Oh, of course.
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: Of course.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: I write about something called ghost in the nursery. And
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: what ghost in the nursery is, is that oftentimes we
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: don't see our children as as different from us. So
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: we want to redo things based on our experiences. And
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: our experiences aren't always the best experiences. Sometimes there's trauma involved.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: And those things are recapitulated with our children when we
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: don't heal from them.
• 22:02
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  Speaker 1: slash understood. Yeah, well, that's so true. I mean, I
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: think when you talk to a lot of people, their
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: childhood or their past has triggered them in a way
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: that will bring them to tears. So, you know, I
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: know as a parent, I am someone who was raised
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: by a single parent as well. And I felt, you know,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: pretty neglected because she was going back to work. She
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: was dating. She was doing all these things. So for me,
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: it's interesting because I became someone who likes to be
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: in front of the camera, who's, you know, has become
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: someone whose life is very, you know, out there in
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: the public. And probably because I needed to feel acceptance
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: from a public audience as opposed to my family, which
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: I felt like I didn't get. I mean, I'm just...
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: Not a psychologist, but thinking why I went into the
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: world that I did. But in parenting, you know, I'm
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: always very hypersensitive to what I'm doing with my daughter.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: I have one child, one girl. I was raised, you know,
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: as the only girl. And I'm very careful to make
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: sure that I kind of don't do the things wrong.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: That I did. And I think that I was given
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: as a child, right? And I think if I felt
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: like I had some great experiences, which I can't think
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: of any now, but I will pull from that toolbox of, well,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: this worked. I mean, I do remember my mom would
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: always say to me, As long as you're honest with me,
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: I can never get mad at you. I do find
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: that I say that to my daughter because I want
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: her to feel like she can talk to me, you know.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: But I think it is hard. Your past and your
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: own childhood really determines how you are as a parent
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: and how far you want to get away from being
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: that person that raised you, kind of.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: So what you were just saying to me, Rachel, you
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: were talking about your child, but the conversation was really
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: about your childhood. Right. So what ends up happening is
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: that we bring that to bear with our children. And
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: sometimes we really aren't seeing them. We're redoing our childhood
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: with the child. And that I would say 90 percent
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: of the parents I see. do that. And it's only
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: because it impacts us. Our parents are our first relationships
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: in life, and relationships after that will sometimes be built upon,
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: you know, the missteps as well as the healthy steps.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: So it's really important that we constantly take a step
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: back with our children and realize that they're not us.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: When it comes to parenting, There are many styles that
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: people want to hold on to.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: Because as human beings, we want to predict and control everything,
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: which we can't. However, I tell people all the time, parenting,
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: just parenting, not putting a style upon it. Parenting means
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: guarding and guiding. Now, you take that, those guardrails. Now,
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: guess what? Then you take tools from all. If it's
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: helicopter that you like, then you take those. But you
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: have to remember that your child will grow. You have
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: to remember that you will not be the same parent
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: today as you.
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: Don't miss the USL Championship Final on CBS, November 21st
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: at noon Eastern. Will the Pittsburgh Riverhounds retain their crown
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: or will a new title winner emerge? Don't miss the
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: conclusion to the 2026 season, Saturday, November 21st at noon
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: Eastern on CBS.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: Our next year. Right. So all of these things are
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: great as tools. The challenge becomes when the flexibility is
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: not there for parents.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely. I know you guys did an episode on
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: Stranger Danger where you put kids to the test to
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: see what they would do in a trying scenario, like
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: someone offering them candy or, you know, offering them to pet.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: I think there was a puppy situation that you guys
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: talk about a lot. What did you guys learn from that?
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: And what did the parents on the show learn from that?
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: Well, I think parents, because one of the things that
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: teachers and parents would often say to children, and it
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: was unbeknownst to them that the research didn't support it.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: Didn't I tell you that already? How many times do
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: I have to tell you? Why do I have to
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: keep repeating myself? Not understanding that everyone learns best through repetition.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: So the fact that you tell your child about don't
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: go to places with strangers. If you can help it,
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: don't engage. Once or twice is not enough. This is
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: a conversation that has to continue. Repetition, repetition. That's what
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: we get from the media. The commercial that's burned in
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: my head as a kid is, this is your brain
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: on drugs. How often did.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: That commercial come on?
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: I love to.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: So it's repetition. That's what we know about science and
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: prevention for. various things that can happen and go wrong,
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: that it's through repetition and constantly talking about these issues.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: So parents, what they found out was they weren't talking
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: about these enough. When I talked to them one-on-one for interview,
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: they would say, well, we talked about that, and we
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: talked about it in depth. That's not enough. You know,
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: children go through 12 years of education, you know, otherwise
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: one would be enough.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: And also the conversations are happening at different ages, too.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think as they start to see the
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: real dangers in life, that people are not all good,
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: that people sometimes have bad intentions. You can't believe all people,
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: although you want them to see the best in things.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: I mean, it is really important. And when I was
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: watching scenes from the show, I have an 11 year old.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: I was thinking. I don't know if someone asked her,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: you know, to come with them, what would she really say?
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: I wanted to know because I know she's smart enough
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: to know not to, but if she's put into a
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: manipulative situation, maybe she would, you know, if someone pulled
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: up to her and said, Oh my God, I came
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: to pick you up. Your mom was in an accident.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: She told me to come get you get in the car.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: Would she believe them? So, you know, it made me
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: very nervous as a parent and want to have that
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: conversation again. So I will say that was a highlight
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: of the show for me, knowing that I had to
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: have that conversation again. You know what, Rachel.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: That repetition allows your child to hear your voice.
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: To hear you. what would mom do? What did mom
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: say about this? So that's another way that we get
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: them to internalize in situations where they need us most.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: When their voice isn't necessarily amplified, they hear ours. Right.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: So what were the parenting styles you guys came up with? Well,
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: how many have you seen, by the way?
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: Well, there were 12 on the show, but from a
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: research standpoint, there are about 26. And I say 26
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: because Because there are people out there that say they're
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: over 100. However, from a research standpoint, ones that have
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: actually been verified and found to be reliable and actually
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: have merit, they're about 26. Okay.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: So I want to get into the ones that you
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: think are the most popular or ones that we should
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: know about. But what is your parenting style?
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: I would say that we are probably authoritarian.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: And not authoritative, but authoritarian in the sense that there
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: are some clear boundaries as parents. First of all, we're
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: husband and wife first, and then mom and dad. Society
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: continues to put children first. And I get that. It
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: works in theory. But when parents aren't taking care of
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: themselves and self-care is not number one on their list,
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: then guess what? We have children who... don't know how
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: to take care of themselves, but also parents aren't at
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: their best. Right.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: And also you see so much divorce because of it,
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: because they've lost their relationship. Yes.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: As a university professor and dean, I can't tell you
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: how often I'd have students in my office their freshman
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: year just ready to end it all because their parents
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: have waited for The parents knew that, you know, there
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: was a triangulation where they were doing more for the
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: children than each other. They had, you know, they had
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: lost their relationship for being mom and dad. They wait
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: till the child goes off to college. And then they
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: get divorced. They get divorced at a time when this
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: child is looking to find the person of their lives
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: based on their parents.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on staying with someone in a
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: marriage because of kids? Because my parents were divorced when
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: I was five. I know how that affected me, but
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: I also know how it would have affected me if
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: they stayed together and hated each other. As kids, you
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: see everything. and you get your lessons on what love is.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: And if the parents are staying with each other an
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: extra 15 years, five years, whatever it is, just for
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: the sake of the kids, you're risking, you know, infidelity,
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: you're risking a lot of anger problems going on at home.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: So what do you think is best to stay with
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: someone for the kids? Or I mean, I think I
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: know the answer. You said you put your relationship first.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: So I think you would decide what your happiness means first.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: Exactly. And the reason being, and research is not even
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: what I think is what we found as, you know,
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: the science shows that children who are constantly bombarded by
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: those levels of toxicity when parents don't necessarily like each
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: other or want to be with one another is more detrimental,
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: you know, almost three times more detrimental than separation and divorce.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: But do you think it's they always talk about that
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: seven year itch. Do you think that a lot of
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: marriages are ending after seven years? Because that's usually kids
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: have been introduced to the scenario. And like you're saying,
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: they've forgotten about how to take care of themselves. They've
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: forgotten how to nurture a loving relationship with each other.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: So do you think that has to do with it?
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think what you're saying is really important
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: that you have to put your marriage and that relationship
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: to a priority level.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: Definitely. And the children see you doing that. And when
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: they get older, you hope they would do it. So, yeah, Rachel,
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: there was an original seven year itch, but that's no
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: longer the case. Marriages are ending now after 20 years.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: So the rise in 20 plus years where people are
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: kind of waking up saying, hey, you know, this isn't
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: for me or it's not working like I thought it would. Right.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about the parenting styles that you guys
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: saw on the show. And if you can talk about it,
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: you know, what were your findings from it? Is there
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: one that won that became the one that everyone saw
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: as being the best?
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there was one that won. And in actuality, just
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: kind of as the parent coach and expert on the show.
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: The person that did one, the style that won, actually
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: was more inclusive than the other styles. This person actually
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: had a little bit of helicopter. The person called their
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: style disciplinarian.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: However, they had a little bit of helicopter where they
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: were rearing their child. However, their child was a teenage girl,
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: and the mom was also a single parent. So she
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: had a little helicopter because she wanted to make sure
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: she wanted to help her navigate relationships. She wanted to
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: help her navigate some of those trials and storms that
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: come along with that, you know, teenage life. But she
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: had helicopters. She had some of permissiveness. She had some
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: free range. You know, they had dance parties all the time.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: So what she did, she had.
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: Don't miss a minute of United Soccer League action. The
• 36:42
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• 36:47
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• 36:57
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• 37:00
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• 37:12
  Speaker 2: A basis. And then with that basis, she filled her toolkit.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: with the other things as her child need it.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: Interesting. We were talking earlier about conversations we should be having. Obviously,
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: if you turn on the news right now, there is
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: a lot going on. There's a lot always going on.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: But how would you suggest to best have really hard
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: conversations with your kids about the news, like what's going
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: on in Israel right now, to things like a tragedy?
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: How are you explaining when someone in your family dies?
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: How would you do that?
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: Well, I think often as parents, we want to go
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: in and kind of just start talking, you know, because
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: that's what's comfortable for us. We want to meet the
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: child where they are. So you want to go in
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: and you want to ask the child, is everything okay?
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: Have you heard about what's happening in Israel? What do
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: you know about? And as you're listening, remember that as parents,
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: we guard and we guide. And as the child grows,
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: talks to you about the various things that they know
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: about it, if something seems to be going off the rails,
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: you're able as a parent to kind of say, well,
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: let me share with you kind of the reality of it.
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: And you want to have those types of conversations. And
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: then you want to check in periodically to make sure
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: that they don't have any more questions or concerns about it.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: Well, that brings up a question that I have. What
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: about if you what would your suggestion be if you
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: are two single parents raising the same child?
• 38:51
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: And you have two opposing political views. I think that
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: is something that I deal with in my scenario. And,
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: you know, it's very difficult. I think it puts a
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: child in the middle. And with the way politics are
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: right now, there's a lot of hatred about for the
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: other party and a lot of misinformation. So do you
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: have some advice for people dealing with that situation?
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: Definitely. Anytime people are co-parenting, it's important that the child
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: knows that they don't have to pick one parent over
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: the other. They don't have to pick one parent's ideology
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: over the other, one parent's views over the other. And
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: as adults, sometimes we get caught up in that.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: And picking sides.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: So again, what you want to do is you want
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: to be as fair as you can be to allow
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: your child to be who they are and develop their
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: values consistent with yours, but also let them see what
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: the choices are and not make that choice for them. Yeah.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: I do think that, and I don't know if this
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: is a parenting style, but I do think that It's
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: so important to give your child the most information, the
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: most education, the most opportunities so that later they can
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: make a decision and then parents can kind of back
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: off because it's not their life. But as long as
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: they're given like a whole menu, so to speak, of
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: things they can choose from and then things that they
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: have experienced a little of so they're educated on what
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: they're choosing, I really think that's important.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: That's brilliant. That's it.
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: Thanks. I suffer from having a daughter who's a little
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: bit lazy, you know, based on her friends. If her
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: friends don't want to try out for volleyball, she doesn't
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: want to try out, you know, and I'm always like, Wyatt,
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: you're good. You should try out. Being on a team
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: is really important, you know, but instead she wants to
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: come home and listen to Taylor Swift for the 850,000th
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: time with her friends and analyze what she means in
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: her lyrics. So yeah, For me, it's difficult because I
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: wonder if I'm being too pushy because I didn't really
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: play sports in school. You know, I think it's I
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: would love for her to be part of a team.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: But I do think it's important to to push your kids. But,
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: you know, also let them make some decisions because if
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: they're miserable, they're not going to perform either.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: And the big thing, too, when pushing your children is
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: knowing your child. Yeah. Not knowing about your child. I
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: think what you were sharing with me earlier is. was
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: that you might have felt your mom at times knew
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: about you, but didn't know you, that didn't really see you.
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: So it's important that we know our children. So when
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: it comes to pushing, you kind of know, you know,
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: is this going to push her over the edge where
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: she's going to maybe have some depression, or is this
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: push just going to be a swift kick in the anatomy, right?
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: That's going to kind of say, OK, I can do
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: this and I'll give it a shot. We do the
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: same with food. You know, a child doesn't want to
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: try something like sushi and then they don't. Then they
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: try it and they love it. So the same types
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: of things.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. What are your thoughts on why adults
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: revert to being back in like eighth grade when they're
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: around their parents at like Thanksgiving or when they have
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: to get in a scenario with their family? When I
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: have my mother over or actually I'm asking for a friend.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: You know, I feel like I become that 14 year
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: old girl that like is pissed and is pouting and
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: isn't listened to. And, you know, why do people do that?
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: Why do I do that?
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: Well, people do it because they have unhealed trauma. And
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: when our trauma is unhealed, we have a tendency to
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: bleed on people who didn't cut us. So, you know,
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: maybe it happens at Thanksgiving, you know, and that actually
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: might be the source. Or it could happen with your daughter.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: It could happen with... A partner. So we have what's called,
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: in my writings, I call it a second backpack, an
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: invisible second backpack. Everybody has one. And basically, it's all
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: those things that we decided to bury. We don't necessarily
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: want to deal with them. And the problem is you
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: can't bury emotions. And when you try to, they fight,
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: they come back more resentful, with more animosity, than before
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: and you know so basically talking about thanksgiving whatever's on
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: your plate that goes unresolved it's served to those you
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: love so it's really good so so it's really really
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: important that we take an inventory. And it's not a
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: one-time thing. It's a daily inventory. Self-reflection and self-correction are
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: two of the most humbling things and most important things
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: that any human being could ever do. So when people
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: are talking about the backpacks and what they can do,
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: as much as I can talk about exercise and all
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: these wonderful things that will do things, the dopamine and
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: the other chemical reactions that we have to feel good,
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: those are Band-Aids. The real deal is sitting with the hurt,
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: sitting with the hurt, experiencing the hurt and resolving it
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: in your own way, in your own time.
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: That was my next question. How do you unpack this
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: emotional backpack? You know, are there other things you can
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: do besides just sitting in it and kind of getting
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: through it that people can do that maybe isn't so uncomfortable?
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, change is uncomfortable.
• 44:36
  Speaker 3: Growth.
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: Growth why we call it growing pains so it went
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: in it was hurt that went in it's going to
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: hurt coming out otherwise we'd be we'd be talking about
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: toxic positivity happy happy joy joy and acting as if
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: you know everything's perfect it's not life is that life's
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: messy right and and we have to deal with that
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: mess so that we don't contaminate those we love But
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: I'm really curious.
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: A lot of people do say, well, you should really
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: sit in it and let it marinate and really get
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: through it. What does that really mean? Like, what's a
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: tangible answer for that? Do I just sit there and
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: think about all the bad things that happened? I mean,
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: there's got to be some change, right?
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: They're professionals that will actually help you navigate the mess.
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: That will actually help you make sense of the mess.
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: Because with those emotions being buried and they're fighting to
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: come back out and, you know, to be alive, emotions
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: are sometimes misleading. Mm-hmm. So true maturity, the definition of
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: true maturity is being able to separate your emotions from
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: your thinking. So in actuality, how often do we do that?
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: How often do we separate our thoughts from our emotions?
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: We don't that. As human beings, we don't that often.
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: But talking to a professionally trained therapist, counselor, they're able
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: to help navigate that. Right.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: Talk about the four F's, fairness, firmness, flexibility, and fun.
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: What does that mean to you?
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: Oh, those are my tools that I give every parent,
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: regardless of what style they've ascribed to. I tell them
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: that great parenting involves those four F's. Being firm. Every
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: child needs consistency, structure, limits, and boundaries. My mom wouldn't
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: quite say it like that. My mom would say Burger
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: King may have great burgers, but you can't have it
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: your way. So every child needs that. Every child needs fun.
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: We've got to stop thinking that fun is a sidebar. Like, oh,
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: once we do this, we can have fun. Fun is
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: actually an authentic part of learning. The moment you involve
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: fun with learning, the brain takes 400 synaptic repetitions to
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: build a pathway for learning. Once you introduce fun, it
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: takes six to 10, six to 10, just with fun.
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: And fairness is understanding that your child is not you.
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: My children aren't me as much as sometimes I would
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: fall in the trap. I wouldn't do that. Of course
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: you wouldn't because that's not you. So remembering that our
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: children aren't us. Remember in today's age, that children have
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: more distractions. You talk about opportunities and I love that
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: you said that, but they also have more distractions than
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: ever before. So there's a, so yeah, so it's a
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: lot different. And flexibility is understanding that when one thing
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: doesn't work, it's okay to try another. I love that.
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: How can being misunderstood as a child affect your parenting?
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: Because we've talked about trauma. We talked about being neglected.
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: We talked about having your own issues. But what about
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: being like kids that grew up really feeling like they
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: were not heard and that they were misunderstood as to
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: who they were?
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: Right. So as many ways as that can be manifested,
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: I'm going to just give you two. The one where
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: it's parent-centered. So the parent is making sure that they're
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: heard with the child. They're making sure they're seen with
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: the child. The second way would be child-centered, where they're
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: making sure that they hear their children's voice, that their
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: child knows they're heard, that their child knows they're valued
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: and respected.
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: I love that. Um, so, um, we talked about like
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: what the best style is of parenting, which you had
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: said is kind of taking from a toolbox, right. Of,
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: of different styles. Um, but how, like, how would you
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: answer this? How could anyone parent better? Are there some
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: tips you have for, uh, what to do to be
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: a better parent, no matter what your style is?
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: Definitely buy the book that has your child's photo on
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: the cover. And what that means is know your child, right?
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: Know your child. You know, if a teacher calls you
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: and says, you know, Leah misbehaved today in school. If
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: I were, that's my oldest daughter. If I got that call,
• 49:08
  Speaker 2: I would say, and tell me what she did. And
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: then I would help them. But did she also put
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: her head down like she didn't do it? Did one
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: tear drop? I mean, I would know. Hmm. my child
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: would misbehave. I wouldn't be the parent that says, no,
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: that never happened because I've never seen it. I wasn't
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: involved or engaged enough to see it. So I would say,
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: know your child. But as parents, we have to also
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: know ourselves because otherwise, you know, our personal storms get
• 49:43
  Speaker 2: our children wet.
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: So this is a similar question, but I'm just going
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: to ask it a different way. What is most misunderstood
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: about being a good parent?
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: It's subjective. It's subjective. And it's really hard to take
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: advice from anyone that, So what happens in society when
• 50:06
  Speaker 2: we say that people are critical of different parenting styles?
• 50:10
  Speaker 2: What's really happening? That's a projection. It's a projection because
• 50:15
  Speaker 2: parenting is so intimately personal to everyone. So when someone
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: is looking at someone else.
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: And based on their own experience, obviously.
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: Exactly. Exactly. So people project all the time. How dare
• 50:26
  Speaker 2: you do that? You don't know my child. You don't
• 50:29
  Speaker 2: know why I had to raise my voice. That's how
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: I get my child's attention to redirect them. So it's
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: very subjective and personal. I would say along the lines
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: of as we, with our children, with each other, with ourselves,
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: grace goes a long way.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: I love that. All right, where can people find you
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: if they're interested in reaching out to you or they
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: want to see more of you?
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: They can find me at my website, docspeaks.com or my podcast,
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: Patreon forward slash Doc Speaks. It's in the balcony with
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: Doc Brown.
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Tell me about that podcast a little bit.
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: What kind of topics are you covering?
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: We do everything, every day, all the drama, how to
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: resolve all the drama in everyday life using psychology. Great.
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: And how often is that once a week that it
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: comes out?
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: Once a week. It comes on every Sunday at 7.57 p.m.
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: Eastern Standard Time. 7.57. That's our area code, 757. Oh,
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: got it. Eastern Standard Time. And we do it on
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: Sunday because we want to start the week in the balcony.
• 51:42
  Speaker 2: And the balcony basically is that place of love, light,
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: and insight as opposed to the basement where we wake
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: up every day looking for opportunities to be offended. Right.
• 51:54
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: So basically for what, you know, from our conversation, I
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: think it's evident that parents should go a little easier
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: on themselves about the job that they're doing because there
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: isn't a right way or a wrong way. You can't
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: necessarily read a book online. to get educated on it.
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: You have to really know your child and parent based
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: on who your child is. And yes, you can use
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: those experiences from your past, but hopefully you'll do some
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: work on your own so that you're not pulling from
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: the bad parts of those experiences, but you're learning from them.
• 52:24
  Speaker 2: Am I right? Oh my gosh. Yes. Perfect. Perfect. I
• 52:29
  Speaker 2: wanted to say something, too, that makes my podcast a
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: little different from most. Sure. Outside, I have two other hosts.
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: We're three hosts. But everyone talks on our podcast. We
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: have a huge audience, and everyone is extremely interactive. It
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: takes a whole lot of coordinating. But everyone gets a
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: chance to voice their opinion, voice their issues, and we
• 52:52
  Speaker 2: do our best to cover it all in an hour.
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: Right. I love that. I'm going to listen to it.
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: And I also love something you just said. I do
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: think it's important to listen to other people's opinions and
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: styles because, again, coming from someone who parents differently than
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: my former partner, you know, sometimes I'm very judgmental of that.
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: And after this conversation, you know, you did remind me
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: that it's not we can all parent differently and it
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that his style is wrong. It doesn't mean
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: my style is right. but it's the style that I've
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: chosen and it works for me and my daughter. So
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: I'm so thankful that we had this time to have
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: this conversation because you really helped me learn a couple
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: of things and I'm sure you helped our listeners. So
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: thank you so much. Say your Instagram one more time
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: so people can follow you.
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: Yes, Instagram is Adolph Brown and that's Adolph spelled with
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: a P-H-D, A-D-O-L-P-H.
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: Awesome. Thank you so much, Doc. And I can't wait
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: to listen to your podcast.
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to Misunderstood. I'm your host,
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: Rachel Yucatel. Please be sure to subscribe to the show
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: and give us a five-star rating and review. You can
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: support the show by joining our Patreon at patreon.com slash
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: misunderstood with Rachel Yucatel. Do you have ideas for the
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: show or want to reach out? Email us at infomisunderstoodpodcast
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: at gmail.com. That's spelled M-I-S-S understood. Thank you so much,
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: and I'll see you next time.
• 54:31
  Speaker 3: Let's greet the day by placing a piece of gum
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: in your mouth.
• 54:34
  Speaker 2: Now chew.
• 54:36
  Speaker 4: You're standing in a vast desert.
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: The air is minty.
• 54:41
  Speaker 4: Chew.
• 54:42
  Speaker 3: In the distance, the day arrives.
• 54:44
  Speaker 4: Chew.
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: You say, hello day, we meet again.
• 54:49
  Speaker 4: Chew. You shake hands. Chew. The day has a strong grip. Chew.
• 54:56
  Speaker 4: But yours is stronger.
• 54:59
  Speaker 2: Extra gum.
• 55:00
  Speaker 4: Chew. Good.