Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 241. How to Help Your Struggling Adult Child Without Rescuing Them

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241. How to Help Your Struggling Adult Child Without Rescuing Them · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting welcome to the midlife mama podcast the place for faith, friendship and real talk for empty nest moms.
• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host Emily Hinglman and I'm so glad you tuned them.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Lama, when your child is struggling, everything a new wants to step in and make a better, you've been helping, protecting and caring for this child their entire life.
• 0:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So of course, you want to rescue when life gets a little hard, but what if stepping back is actually one of the most loving things you can do?
• 0:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today, we're talking about how to support your struggling adult child without rescuing them.
• 0:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to share six practical ways to stay
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: and trust them, God can use even the hard seasons to help your child grow.
• 0:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know that you believe this.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: No mom wants to stand by and watch her adult child struggle.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everything in us wants to step in and make it better.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: After all, that's what we've done most of their lives.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We've bandaged, straight, knees, comforted broken hearts, help self- friendship problems, and caring burdens that felt too heavy for the young shoulders.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: When they heard, we helped.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The parenting and adult child often asked something different of us.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, why not actually parenting anymore?
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: We step back and let them lead their own lives.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is resist the urge to swoop in and rescue them.
• 1:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: that can feel almost cruel when you're a mom.
• 1:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yet, every time we rush in to fix the problem, remove the consequence, make the phone call, provide the money, or carry a responsibility that belongs to our adult child, we may be taking away something they desperately need.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: The opportunity to discover that they can handle hard things.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Struggle isn't always a sign that something has gone wrong.
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes Struggle is the very place where our adult children develop resilience.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Learn responsibility, gain confidence, and discover their own capacity to navigate life.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our job isn't to make sure they never struggle.
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our job is to learn how to love them well, allowing them to grow through it.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about six ways you can help your adult child without rescuing them.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: is be empathetic to their pain.
• 2:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you're dull child is struggling, you're first instinct.
• 2:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Excuse me, maybe to figure out how to make the problem go away, but often they aren't looking for a solution.
• 2:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Surprise, surprise.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're looking for someone who can sit with them in the hard place and understand what their experience is.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Empathy says, I see how hard this is for you without immediately offering advice, minimizing their feelings or taking over the problem.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is an important ship for moms with adult children.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can acknowledge their pain without assuming responsibility for fixing it.
• 3:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can listen without developing a plan.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can offer compassion without rescuing, instead of jumping in with here's what you should do.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Try asking, do you want me to listen or would you like some ideas?
• 3:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: This simple question communicates respect.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It reminds your adult child that you trust them to navigate their own life while reassuring them that they don't have to navigate at a loan.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes the greatest gift
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a steady presence while they find their own way forward.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me tell you, Mama, I was not good at doing this.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember when my oldest son finally said to me one time, I'm, you know what?
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't need you to fix anything.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I just like you to validate what I'm feeling.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, ah, that cut me to the core.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he showed me what he needed.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, do I do it well all the time?
• 4:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do not, but I hope that I'm getting better than I used to be.
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: The second thing you can do is to be a good listener.
• 4:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: A good listener seeks to understand.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to provide answers or solutions to your child's struggle.
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, create space for them to share what they're experiencing.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Simple phrases like, tell me more, or can you help me understand your perspective?
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Invite them to open up.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, don't dive in it.
• 4:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Really difficult things.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes moms get stuck on this laundry list up.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do ABC indeed.
• 4:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need you to do this.
• 4:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then it just makes our children shut down.
• 4:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: But when we sit and listen and say, tell me more.
• 4:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Start with one thing like, how was your day?
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: How was your morning?
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to dive deep right away.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the other thing to remember is that when you're listening well, you're not planning your response, you're paying attention to their words, tone, and even what they may not be saying.
• 5:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your goal is to understand your child's heart, not solve the problem for them.
• 5:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And imagine how great that will make your adult child feel.
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: The third thing to do when your child is struggling is to understand that struggles build resilience.
• 5:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just as a caterpillar must struggle to emerge from its cocoon, your adult child will experience difficulties that can strengthen them.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because you understand this, you can step back and allow struggle to do some of its most important work.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: pain can be a powerful teacher.
• 5:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It builds character, develops perseverance, and teaches us what works and what doesn't.
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you resist the urge to rescue your child, you give them the opportunity to discover, I can do hard things.
• 5:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Continually rescuing an adult child can create dependence instead of resilience.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: As difficult as it is to watch them struggle, each challenge gives them an opportunity to build the muscles of tenacity and grit that they will need for the rest of their lives.
• 6:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oops, did I just say that?
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: We've all been there one tiny comment and suddenly you're adult child pose away or shuts down.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: As moms, we mean well, but some phrases do more harm than good.
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why I created a free guide just for you.
• 6:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: 10 things not to say to your adult child and five ways to stop yourself from saying them.
• 6:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's packed with practical wisdom to help you speak with love, not regret.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grab your copy today at the link in the show notes and start buildingconnection.conflict.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number four is Point Your Child to God.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: God can use the struggles in our lives to teach us to rely on Him.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hard seasons test our faith and reveal what we truly believe about His character.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we turn to our God and our pain, struggle can become a place of deeper trust.
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: what if God wants to meet your child in a way he couldn't if you continually stepped in to make everything better?
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's something beautiful about watching your child discover that God is present with them in their pain.
• 7:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of trying to provide all the answers, gently point them toward him, you might ask, what are you learning about God in this season?
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then trust God to meet your child in ways you cannot.
• 7:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you get anxious about your child's struggle, struggle, that's also your invitation to reach out to God, to say, Lord, this is hard for me.
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Please help me.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number five, resist the urge to share your own struggles.
• 7:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's natural to want to share the lessons you've learned in hopes that your child can avoid some of the pain you've experienced, but sometimes sharing your story too quickly shifts the focus away from your child and back to you.
• 8:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And instead, stay curious about their experience.
• 8:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, ask questions, offer compassion.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: If they ask how you navigate a similar season, then by all means share what you've learned.
• 8:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The key is to wait until you're invited.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Their struggle doesn't need your story, sometimes simply needs your presence.
• 8:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: and number six, encourage them with your words.
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the most powerful ways to support your adult child without rescuing them is through encouragement.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your words carry tremendous influence.
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Proverbs 1821 remind us that our words have the power of life and death.
• 8:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So after you've listened and empathized, lend your adult child some of your belief in them.
• 8:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Say something like this, I know this is hard, but I believe you can handle it, or I see how your persevering and have so proud of you.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Encouragement communicates confidence without taking over.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of saying, let me fix this for you, you're saying, I believe you're capable of finding your way through this.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the kind of support that helps an adult child grow.
• 9:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: While I realize this, no mom wants to watch her adult child struggle, it's painful and it can leave you feeling helpless, but when you recognize that struggle can build resilience, grit, and tenacity in your child, it becomes easier to step back rather than rush into rescue.
• 9:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can listen well, offer empathy, speak encouraging words, and gently point your child towards God.
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can support them without taking over what belongs to them.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And perhaps that's part of our growth as moms of adult children too.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Learning to trust that God is at work in their struggles and to release our children into his capable hands.
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's your coaching tip of the week.
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 9:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: This week, I want you to use the phrase.
• 10:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I see this is hard for you when you're listening to your adult child.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to do that.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of offering a long or short list of the solutions that you might have, and then see what happened in your relationship.
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: See, if you see a softening of your adult child, remember this, your adult child needs the opportunity to discover that they can do hard thing, and you get the opportunity to discover once again that God is capable.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: of caring for your child in ways that you never could.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace and peace, Mama.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: You've got this and God's got you.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the midlife Mama podcast.
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, grounded, and clearer.
• 10:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Clear about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories, I'm coaching you, helping you name what's happening beneath the service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 11:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready to go deeper and want personalized coaching support, I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity and
• 11:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Process emotions and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes and let's stay connected.
• 11:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find me on Instagram at P-Hinkleman that's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or on Facebook at Pamela Hinkleman, Emptinessed Coach.
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure out the season alone, Mama.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Support and direction are possible and I'm here when you're ready.