Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Launching, Not Raising: The Shift That Changes Parenting | Ep. 178

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Launching, Not Raising: The Shift That Changes Parenting | Ep. 178 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Cheryl New: Holding on feels natural.
• 0:09
  Cheryl New: It feels safe.
• 0:11
  Cheryl New: But what if the real work of parenting is learning to let go little by little from the time they're small?
• 0:21
  Cheryl New: Today on The Parenting podcast, we're talking about how to guide our kids with freedom and responsibility so they're ready for adulthood.
• 0:32
  Cheryl New: I'm Cheryl Lang.
• 0:33
  Cheryl New: And I'm so glad you're here for this conversation.
• 0:44
  Cheryl New: Listeners, you're gonna be glad you're here today because kyla's back here in the recording studio with us.
• 0:50
  Cheryl New: Welcome.
• 0:51
  Cheryl New: Thank you.
• 0:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 0:51
  Christie: Good to be here guys together in the same room at the same time.
• 0:54
  Christie: good.
• 0:55
  Christie: Yes.
• 0:55
  Christie: Miracle Miracles been too long.
• 0:57
  Christie: Uhhuh, let's turn
• 0:57
  Cheryl: off the microphone and have fun.
• 0:58
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:00
  Cheryl: Alright, Kyla, you're always our good question bringer, what have you got for us today?
• 1:06
  Kyla: All right.
• 1:06
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 1:07
  Kyla: So I wanna bring up the topic called planned emancipation.
• 1:10
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 1:11
  Kyla: I heard about this initially several years ago actually from Christie.
• 1:15
  Kyla: Yep.
• 1:15
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 1:16
  Kyla: And it's something I wanna know more about, I wanna talk about.
• 1:19
  Kyla: I think it's important, but what is it about?
• 1:23
  Kyla: Yes.
• 1:23
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 1:23
  Kyla: Wow.
• 1:23
  Kyla: Because that's where
• 1:24
  Cheryl: I first heard it from you.
• 1:25
  Cheryl: And when I did, I thought, Chrissy, that is brilliant.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: That's what we wanna do.
• 1:29
  Christie: Right.
• 1:30
  Christie: Well, I mean, I think that maybe the term you guys heard from me, but Cheryl, you've been teaching on this for years, so I, I think that's why I was so drawn to the idea because it just puts language Yes.
• 1:41
  Christie: To what you've already been talking about.
• 1:42
  Christie: And our listeners may not know this phrase or but they know the, the concept.
• 1:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:46
  Christie: Because we talk about these things all the time.
• 1:49
  Christie: Right.
• 1:50
  Christie: We just haven't.
• 1:50
  Christie: Explicitly said this phrase.
• 1:52
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 1:52
  Cheryl New: So, Christie, I'm gonna let you explore it a little bit.
• 1:55
  Cheryl New: So explain yeah.
• 1:56
  Cheryl New: What do we mean by this?
• 1:57
  Cheryl New: And then where did you hear about it?
• 1:59
  Cheryl New: We wanna give
• 1:59
  Christie: credit to your source.
• 2:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:01
  Christie: Well I was in a conversation with some moms and they were talking about this podcast, um, called Feeding the mouth that bites you.
• 2:11
  Christie: And the host of the podcast also has a book by the same title.
• 2:15
  Christie: His name is Ken Wilkis.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:17
  Christie: And I wasn't familiar with him, but I was listening them.
• 2:20
  Christie: Talk about this Idea that you're increasingly giving your kids freedom as they're growing.
• 2:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:27
  Christie: With the idea that we're planning to release them into adulthood.
• 2:31
  Christie: So we're equipping our kids as they grow.
• 2:34
  Christie: By putting them in circumstances where they have increased freedoms, but they also have increased responsibilities, which we recently talked about Uhhuh on the podcast, and letting natural consequences be the guide through that process, rather than swooping in with a bunch of rules holding control of our kids.
• 2:54
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:55
  Christie: Until 18 and then just.
• 2:56
  Christie: Saying, alright, well there's adulthood, so good luck with it.
• 3:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:00
  Christie: What I like
• 3:01
  Cheryl New: about it is that what it's doing, it's incrementally, intentionally transferring responsibility over time to them rather than abruptly say, Hey, you graduated yesterday, here's a adult life.
• 3:14
  Cheryl New: Right?
• 3:15
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 3:15
  Cheryl New: And that you suddenly dump it on them rather than begin a slow process, um, again, progressively.
• 3:23
  Cheryl New: release
• 3:24
  Christie: mm-hmm.
• 3:25
  Cheryl New: Actually, rather than so much of what we do, I would say that it's a mindset shift.
• 3:29
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: That I'm trying to prepare you for adulthood.
• 3:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: And if I control the reins until I think you're ready for it, I kind of won't let the reins go.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: They'll never be fully ready.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: No.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: That's, that's the old thing of, oh, I'll give you freedoms when I see you're fully responsible.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: Well, we'd be kind of waiting till maybe 40.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: You know?
• 3:50
  Cheryl New: What we want to do, because it's planned, we want to say we're heading towards full adulthood, full independence, full autonomy, right?
• 3:59
  Cheryl New: And we want to start thinking.
• 4:01
  Cheryl New: Early on, how can we orchestrate and curate my parenting, their childhoods step by step, whether I'm ready or not.
• 4:10
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:10
  Cheryl New: Towards full adulthood, right?
• 4:12
  Cheryl New: Full emancipation and that mindset, the lens through which I look at parenting and them as individuals is how is this going to help you become the adult you're going to be?
• 4:24
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:25
  Cheryl New: Rather than, how can I protect you and keep this safe and keep you outta trouble, and don't let you get into that and keep my control, which I might naturally want to do.
• 4:34
  Cheryl New: We have a.
• 4:35
  Cheryl New: Huge lens and mindset
• 4:37
  Kyla: shift.
• 4:37
  Kyla: And that blows my mind thinking whether they're ready or not.
• 4:42
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 4:42
  Kyla: We're giving them freedoms.
• 4:43
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 4:44
  Kyla: Ah, I'm just playing that out with the ages of my kids that range from nine to 15, how that's gonna work.
• 4:51
  Kyla: Where do I start?
• 4:52
  Cheryl New: Well, and you see, that's one of the reasons we don't do it.
• 4:56
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:56
  Cheryl New: Because, um, in any area of our life, the two.
• 5:02
  Cheryl New: Opposite ends of total authoritarian rigid control, and free reign no rules at all.
• 5:08
  Cheryl New: Both of those are a lot easier.
• 5:10
  Cheryl New: Yes.
• 5:10
  Cheryl New: You know, whether it's our diet or exercise or how I spend my days and our money.
• 5:17
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 5:18
  Cheryl New: You know, in every area in religion.
• 5:21
  Cheryl New: It's a lot easier to be very controlled and legalistic.
• 5:24
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 5:25
  Cheryl New: Or say whatever you want.
• 5:26
  Cheryl New: Sure.
• 5:26
  Cheryl New: It goes, and so the problem is to do this, just what you said, there's a lot of fear.
• 5:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:35
  Christie: Well yeah, because I remember, um.
• 5:37
  Christie: For a long time I was a no mom.
• 5:40
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:40
  Christie: Like I just said no all the time because it was easier.
• 5:44
  Christie: I, no, you can't paint.
• 5:45
  Christie: No, we can't go, you know?
• 5:47
  Christie: Do that today.
• 5:48
  Christie: No, no.
• 5:49
  Christie: You can't have that friend over.
• 5:50
  Christie: It's just hard and to say yes all the time.
• 5:53
  Christie: Right.
• 5:53
  Christie: And it just made my life easier to say no.
• 5:57
  Christie: Yep.
• 5:57
  Christie: Rather than, let me think about that.
• 6:00
  Christie: Let me think if that's a good idea.
• 6:02
  Christie: Let me decide the parameters of this decision or the, you know, the consequences of if we do paint, then are we gonna, you know, it's just so much easier.
• 6:10
  Christie: But what I found myself, when I would come up with all these rules and nos Yeah.
• 6:15
  Christie: It's not sustainable.
• 6:16
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:16
  Christie: So then I would just be exhausted and I'd be like, fine, whatever.
• 6:19
  Christie: Do whatever you want.
• 6:20
  Christie: So
• 6:21
  Cheryl New: you move, we move from one end of the spectrum to the other back and forth.
• 6:24
  Cheryl New: Exactly.
• 6:25
  Cheryl New: And some people never leave one of the ends of the spectrum.
• 6:28
  Cheryl New: 'cause it's just easier.
• 6:30
  Cheryl New: right.
• 6:31
  Cheryl New: Except if we're thinking about who we want our children to become.
• 6:35
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 6:36
  Cheryl New: And that's what we want to alleviate, is don't do it fear-based.
• 6:40
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:40
  Cheryl New: Be intentional.
• 6:40
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:41
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:41
  Cheryl New: And what I'd like us to do, it's such a big, great topic.
• 6:45
  Cheryl New: What about if we kind of talk about the philosophy of it today?
• 6:48
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:48
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 6:49
  Cheryl New: Kind of giving you, like, let's say Kyla, I want to convince you.
• 6:52
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:52
  Cheryl New: What a brilliant Way to raise our children.
• 6:55
  Cheryl New: This is, that sounds great.
• 6:57
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 6:58
  Cheryl New: When we're starting something new, We also want to change our vocabulary.
• 7:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:03
  Cheryl New: For example, if you're trying to change your body health and you're going to be switching how you eat as a lifestyle, when you say I'm on a diet, I can't do that.
• 7:17
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 7:17
  Cheryl New: Or you say what I'm doing, I'm going towards a much healthier lifestyle.
• 7:21
  Cheryl New: Mm.
• 7:21
  Cheryl New: And or you just couch it in different words.
• 7:23
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 7:24
  Cheryl New: And so for example,, and let's call it pe'cause planned emancipation is too big Right?
• 7:29
  Cheryl New: Um, so with pe, like we could change it from raising kids to I'm launching an adult.
• 7:34
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 7:35
  Cheryl New: I love that.
• 7:35
  Cheryl New: You know, so all along we keep talking about it.
• 7:38
  Cheryl New: And when we talk to our friends or we talk with our kids, or just in my mind, I'm thinking, am I helping to launch an adult?
• 7:45
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 7:46
  Cheryl New: Or am I raising a child?
• 7:47
  Cheryl New: that helps me focus.
• 7:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:49
  Christie: Right.
• 7:50
  Cheryl New: If we're thinking about who we want our children to become.
• 7:54
  Cheryl New: I really like that because a lot of times.
• 7:57
  Cheryl New: In a lot of areas, particularly with our children, everybody wants to know the what and the how.
• 8:03
  Mm.
• 8:03
  Right.
• 8:04
  And the
• 8:04
  Cheryl: big question I want to ask is, who who do I want my children to become?
• 8:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:09
  Cheryl: And so like.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: I was feeling your pain about, oh, all the decisions and what do I do that clarifying it.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: Okay, who do I want this child to be when they're an adult?
• 8:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:20
  Cheryl: What is my vision for where we're going?
• 8:22
  Cheryl: And as they get older, they join in that and we link arms with who they want to become.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: And then we figure out the how or the what.
• 8:31
  Cheryl: But to be first convinced Kyla that you are looking towards releasing your children into adulthood.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Rather than.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: Protecting and raising your little children.
• 8:42
  Kyla: Yes, and I fell into that big time.
• 8:45
  Kyla: I, uh, I just wanted a lot of control and structure.
• 8:49
  Kyla: I mean, that's all I knew.
• 8:50
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 8:50
  Kyla: But.
• 8:51
  Kyla: They started to get older, like 9, 10, 11, and they were pushing away wanting more freedoms, uh, decision making on their own.
• 9:00
  Kyla: And I was still holding onto control and it was a battle.
• 9:04
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 9:04
  Kyla: And I started to realize I need that shift in my parenting.
• 9:10
  Kyla: What is that?
• 9:10
  Kyla: I don't know what it looks like because I'm holding them back and they're kind of turning away from me.
• 9:17
  Kyla: Because I'm not letting them release.
• 9:19
  Kyla: Yes.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: Well, and if we had had this conversation 15 years ago mm-hmm.
• 9:23
  Cheryl: I would've said, oh, by the way, I know you're still bringing him home from the hospital, but let's talk about having this mindset.
• 9:31
  Cheryl: When you're holding that little bundle of joy in your arms mm-hmm.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: In the diaper, that of course you're not sending'em out into the work world, but that already, you're not thinking, oh, how long can I hold onto you?
• 9:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: And protect you and so forth.
• 9:44
  Cheryl: How can I even go through your childhood?
• 9:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: With the idea of launching you as an adult.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: You know?
• 9:51
  Cheryl: And some people, when they hear this idea, they're saying, oh, Mm-hmm.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: You're being really permissive but the problem is, that's confusing freedom with guidance.
• 10:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:02
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 10:03
  And
• 10:03
  Cheryl New: This idea of PE is very much guidance.
• 10:07
  Cheryl New: Right, it's very intentional, it's gradual, and we've got to figure out Mm-hmm.
• 10:10
  Cheryl New: The what and the how, but the philosophy is no, we're gonna do this in guidance.
• 10:16
  Cheryl New: I'm gonna walk alongside of you and incrementally move the responsibility, the decisions.
• 10:22
  Cheryl New: The consequences right onto your shoulders.
• 10:25
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 10:25
  Cheryl New: And the problem is, I know a lot of people, you get 18 and parents go goodbye.
• 10:31
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 10:31
  Cheryl New: And then you have all of it crashing in on you.
• 10:33
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 10:34
  Cheryl New: In adulthood.
• 10:35
  Cheryl New: And it's much more complicated now with devices and.
• 10:38
  Cheryl New: The connected world that we have.
• 10:40
  Cheryl New: And so I want to start early and then walk alongside of them yeah.
• 10:45
  Kyla: cause in reality, I, I mean, the future is flashing before my eyes.
• 10:49
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 10:49
  Kyla: With a 15-year-old.
• 10:50
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 10:50
  Kyla: In three years.
• 10:52
  Kyla: You're 18.
• 10:52
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 10:53
  Kyla: I mean, we've gotta start this process.
• 10:55
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 10:55
  Kyla: So she fails.
• 10:57
  Kyla: At home where there's a soft landing.
• 11:00
  Kyla: But that's, hard!
• 11:00
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 11:01
  Kyla: Let me give you an example.
• 11:02
  Kyla: So for years I was a no phone, no device mom.
• 11:07
  Kyla: I mean, I just swore with my husband on board, like, oh, not till they're 18, social media, internet, uh, everything.
• 11:17
  Kyla: I just thought, Nope, not on my watch.
• 11:19
  Kyla: And it, it.
• 11:21
  Kyla: Changed in me about middle school age with my oldest when I started to realize.
• 11:27
  Kyla: She was being ostracized, completely left out, the only one in her group without a phone, and her heart was breaking, and I just realized I need to rethink this mm-hmm.
• 11:41
  Kyla: To be different.
• 11:43
  Kyla: Even though I hate media and phones and the impact it's making in this culture.
• 11:48
  Kyla: That's the reality that I need to parent her in.
• 11:52
  Kyla: I like that.
• 11:52
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 11:52
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Plus, how does the other help?
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Prepare her to launch into adulthood, right?
• 11:59
  Cheryl: If she graduates, and in her graduation with her graduation gown, you go, here's your first phone.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: Figure it out.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: Right?
• 12:08
  Cheryl: Instead of, let me walk alongside of you Yeah, because she is figuring it all out.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: It
• 12:13
  Kyla: was a little awkward because she was getting notifications from her sports team or her.
• 12:19
  Kyla: Group with school and she was missing memos, notifications.
• 12:23
  Kyla: Yep.
• 12:23
  Kyla: Because she didn't have the device.
• 12:25
  Kyla: Then it got really awkward'cause I was still firm in my stance and said, you know what?
• 12:30
  Kyla: You can't be on the GroupMe chat, but I'll, I'll go in and join.
• 12:35
  Kyla: And so it was like a bunch of seventh grade girls plus me.
• 12:38
  Kyla: It just got to be a little ridiculous.
• 12:40
  Michelle: right?
• 12:42
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 12:42
  Kyla: But you know, it was a lot easier to have a firm no than it was to go ahead and do the research.
• 12:50
  Kyla: Caring about her heart, her social standing, how she felt with her peers being included in part of a group, not following blindly, but just being her own person.
• 13:02
  Kyla: Not'cause she deserves it or is mature enough, but because she's gonna be released soon.
• 13:07
  Kyla: Can I give her a little more freedom?
• 13:09
  Kyla: A little more at a time?
• 13:10
  Christie: well, and the thing is, she was feeling all of those feelings because she saw this grasses greener out there where all the friends frolic and play with their phones, and you were seeing her heartbreak.
• 13:23
  Christie: But really what's happening there is you're, as you're releasing her to enter into this world, she's getting the realization that.
• 13:33
  Christie: The world isn't all green and grassy out there, it's, it's a hard thing because then she's probably experiencing the conversations and how you conduct yourself in a group chat and how you know, people might say things that.
• 13:49
  Christie: I'm assuming she's encountered things where a girl said something unkind.
• 13:53
  Christie: I know that I'm just talking from my own girl's experiences, right?
• 13:55
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:56
  Christie: And you're able to, help her navigate that rather than had you stuck with no phone until 18.
• 14:03
  Christie: What's she gonna do then?
• 14:04
  Christie: She's not gonna call her mommy at 19 and say.
• 14:08
  Christie: I am in my first group chat.
• 14:10
  Christie: I don't know what to say, you know?
• 14:12
  Christie: Right.
• 14:13
  Christie: And so I just think you made a wise shift in helping her at, and we're not endorsing necessarily an age for everybody.
• 14:20
  Christie: No, we're just saying it's a little trickier than mm-hmm.
• 14:24
  Christie: No permission at all until adulthood.
• 14:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:26
  Cheryl: And see, part of this is this guidance that we're walking alongside instead of us just exerting control from the top, you will do this, you will do that.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: We're walking alongside and increasingly saying, well, what do you think?
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: Let's talk about that.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: What do you think?
• 14:45
  Cheryl: How do you think this ought to work out?
• 14:47
  Cheryl: And we're having a lot of conversations where they're being pulled into the decisions of their life.
• 14:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:54
  Cheryl: Actually, what this really is, is mentoring, right?
• 14:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: Instead of saying, we're gonna tell you what to do, and you fit in a box, you are mentoring your children throughout their childhood.
• 15:04
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:04
  Cheryl New: And so you're beginning to have conversations and saying, okay, we made this decision before.
• 15:10
  Cheryl New: Now I wanna hear what you really think.
• 15:12
  Cheryl New: And then actually listen to them and walk alongside and say, okay, we want to give you more freedom.
• 15:18
  Cheryl New: That's our desire.
• 15:19
  Cheryl New: That's our goal, is to release you.
• 15:21
  Cheryl New: And we want you to be a fully grown, independent adult, So that you have that conversation going and instead of her having to fight you Yeah.
• 15:30
  Cheryl New: All the way she's walking along with you and.
• 15:34
  Cheryl New: What I think this would do would be reduce some of the tension in the home.
• 15:38
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 15:39
  Cheryl New: And some of the pushback all the way because you're handing her more increased freedom.
• 15:44
  Cheryl New: You're giving them wings.
• 15:45
  Cheryl New: You're giving them some wings.
• 15:46
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 15:47
  Cheryl New: And you have to keep the wings clipped.
• 15:48
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 15:49
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 15:49
  Cheryl New: And you allow them to grow out, but you're doing it in stages, over time and I think that would give her so much more trust in you as her parent.
• 15:58
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 15:59
  Cheryl New: To know my goal is to release you.
• 16:01
  Cheryl New: Let's talk about how we get there.
• 16:03
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 16:04
  Cheryl New: Does that make sense?
• 16:05
  Cheryl New: Exactly.
• 16:05
  Cheryl New: It does.
• 16:06
  Cheryl New: Kyla, I just see this as so wise.
• 16:10
  Cheryl New: for example.
• 16:13
  Cheryl New: I'd say riding a bike.
• 16:14
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 16:14
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 16:15
  Cheryl New: And learning to live life, it's much more important than riding a bike.
• 16:19
  Cheryl New: But if we use the examples like training wheels, and now when I had training wheels, they were actually uneven.
• 16:29
  Cheryl New: Intentionally so that I had to learn to kind of balance.
• 16:33
  Cheryl New: And so it wobbled back and forth.
• 16:35
  Cheryl New: And then actually what my dad did is he made him a little wobbler.
• 16:39
  Cheryl New: So it wobbled a little more, and then eventually we took'em off, even though I wasn't really sured, but if he hadn't taken'em off, I would still be in training wheels.
• 16:49
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 16:50
  Cheryl New: That's kind of a picture of this, but.
• 16:52
  Cheryl New: I even think even more improved are the balance bikes.
• 16:55
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 16:56
  Cheryl New: That they're never really using training wheels and let's kind of say those are legalistic rules that I am in control.
• 17:04
  Cheryl New: And if you do the studies, balance bikes.
• 17:06
  Cheryl New: trains someone faster and better how to ride a bike.
• 17:09
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 17:10
  Cheryl New: And there isn't this huge transition.
• 17:13
  Cheryl New: So I think that maybe this approach.
• 17:15
  Cheryl New: Doesn't make such a huge transition to adult life.
• 17:20
  Cheryl New: It's a little bit more seamless because you've been doing it all along now.
• 17:25
  Cheryl New: The bike's just bigger, like balanced bike to a regular sized bike.
• 17:29
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 17:30
  Cheryl New: You're just moving up on a bigger bike.
• 17:31
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 17:32
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Cheryl New: So they've had the conversations, they've been taking on responsibilities.
• 17:36
  Cheryl New: They've felt the burn of consequences mm-hmm.
• 17:39
  Cheryl New: For their choices.
• 17:40
  Cheryl New: And then you've had the conversation over and over Remember, your choices will decide your consequences.
• 17:46
  Cheryl New: Sure.
• 17:46
  Cheryl New: Or the benefits.
• 17:46
  Cheryl New: And you've allowed them the possibility of failure all along so that hopefully they're learning from it.
• 17:54
  Cheryl New: Uh, but even if they continue in their adulthood to make foolish decisions, you've done your mentoring job, you've laid Down the philosophy mm-hmm.
• 18:03
  Cheryl New: For them that your choices have consequences.
• 18:07
  Cheryl New: Sure.
• 18:07
  Cheryl New: And so they have that in their minds, whatever choices they make.
• 18:12
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 18:13
  Christie: Yeah, and I love that analogy because you know, you're not putting a 2-year-old on a Harley.
• 18:18
  Right?
• 18:18
  Right.
• 18:19
  Christie: But you are allowing them to fall off the bike and get some bumps and bruises and maybe even a really bad cut.
• 18:26
  Christie: Yes.
• 18:26
  Christie: I mean, there may be some real, real things that come along the way that feel.
• 18:31
  Christie: Bigger than you would've liked for your kids to walk through.
• 18:34
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 18:34
  Cheryl New: But no one rides a bike or learns to skate without falling over.
• 18:38
  Cheryl New: Exactly.
• 18:39
  Cheryl New: Exactly.
• 18:39
  Cheryl New: And we just buy into that lie that if we can curate our children's lives so carefully mm-hmm.
• 18:47
  Cheryl New: They will never hurt, yet they will gain all this wisdom and be making all these great decisions.
• 18:55
  Cheryl New: Well, that doesn't happen.
• 18:56
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 18:57
  Cheryl New: It, it just won't happen without this natural progressive flow mm-hmm.
• 19:02
  Cheryl New: Of the balance bike and incrementally get bigger and bigger bikes so that they're doing it on their own.
• 19:08
  Cheryl New: And then hopefully they never get a Harley, but maybe
• 19:11
  Christie: they can get a really nice mountain bike.
• 19:12
  Christie: Well, and they're making the choices on their own.
• 19:15
  Christie: That's exactly because of their own pain.
• 19:17
  Christie: Right?
• 19:17
  Christie: They're they're making informed choices.
• 19:19
  Christie: Yes, because wow, that hurt when I did that.
• 19:22
  Christie: I don't think I'll do that again.
• 19:24
  Christie: Rather than, well, my mom and dad always said that was gonna be bad if I did it, so, or.
• 19:31
  Christie: My mom and dad never let me do that.
• 19:33
  Christie: I'm doing it now that I have the opportunity.
• 19:36
  Christie: And I remember one time I actually
• 19:38
  Cheryl New: did this well and I got the feedback that let me know I do it and I've shared it here before, but it was actually using p.e.
• 19:45
  Cheryl New: and it had to do with video games and, and my younger son and that.
• 19:51
  Cheryl New: I had parameters about what he could play with his friends or what he could do.
• 19:56
  Cheryl New: First person shooter was the particular parameter.
• 20:00
  Cheryl New: And then increasingly I finally said, okay, now you can make your decision.
• 20:06
  Cheryl New: You decide what you wanna play.
• 20:09
  Cheryl New: we won't have him morality in our home, but you can choose your games.
• 20:13
  Cheryl New: And then he came back fairly soon to me and said, that was the most brilliant parenting you ever did.
• 20:19
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 20:19
  Cheryl New: Because just what you were saying, instead of making the decision, because I'll get in trouble.
• 20:24
  Cheryl New: Mom and dad have told me I can't, this is a bad thing.
• 20:28
  Cheryl New: All of those legalistic rules mm-hmm.
• 20:30
  Cheryl New: For making the decision.
• 20:32
  Cheryl New: He had all the input of what we talked about, and then I released and empowered him to make his own decision.
• 20:39
  Cheryl New: Mm.
• 20:40
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 20:40
  Cheryl New: And whether he made the decision I would've made wasn't the point.
• 20:44
  Cheryl New: But what he said is, I.
• 20:45
  Cheryl New: Felt the weight of the decision.
• 20:48
  Cheryl New: And he said, if you had done it the other way, I wouldn't have felt that weight.
• 20:52
  Cheryl New: I would've gone Sure.
• 20:54
  Cheryl New: Or I would've said, you just wait till I can get away from you.
• 20:57
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 20:58
  Cheryl New: And I will play the games I want.
• 21:00
  Cheryl New: So that actually was a little example of what we're really talking about.
• 21:04
  Cheryl New: Here is walking alongside.
• 21:06
  Cheryl New: Equipping.
• 21:07
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 21:07
  Cheryl New: And then in stages, releasing them for their own decisions.
• 21:10
  Cheryl New: Right?
• 21:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:12
  Christie: I, I think of another example at our house.
• 21:14
  Christie: I remember cringing, seeing my upper teens start bringing home 20 ounce sodas and fast food bags in their bedrooms and, and just thinking, Ugh, my goodness.
• 21:25
  Christie: Or even before that, my picky eaters that would have like.
• 21:29
  Christie: One piece of chicken and a carrot stick on their plate.
• 21:32
  Christie: You know, that's all they wanted to eat.
• 21:33
  Christie: And then you know, just a few days ago, I'm having a conversation about gut health and fermented, you know, cabbage with my 20 somethings Yeah.
• 21:42
  Christie: Who are taking ownership of their own nutrition.
• 21:45
  Christie: And I'm like, these are the same kids that would only eat Chick-fil-A for years.
• 21:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:49
  Christie: So you know, giving that freedom in their late teen years that was so cringey for me, has eventually evolved into them making wise choices based on how they feel, not because it was dictated now.
• 22:03
  Christie: Sometimes though that doesn't pan out, but it did in this circumstance.
• 22:07
  Christie: But
• 22:07
  Cheryl New: that's their choice.
• 22:08
  Cheryl New: Yeah, exactly.
• 22:09
  Cheryl New: It's not my responsibility.
• 22:10
  Cheryl New: And you equip them with information so they could make their choice.
• 22:13
  Cheryl New: And you said, I think a definitive word, ownership.
• 22:17
  Cheryl New: Mm mm-hmm.
• 22:17
  Cheryl New: And that's what we want from the tiniest little ones.
• 22:20
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 22:21
  Cheryl New: All the way up to when, let's say 18, when they're adults.
• 22:24
  Cheryl New: We want to over time give them ownership and agency with our guidance walking along.
• 22:30
  Cheryl New: purposefully So that they take ownership of what they're doing and they're making their decisions, and then hopefully, They will take responsibility for their actions.
• 22:39
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 22:39
  Cheryl New: Well, because you've been doing responsibility for your actions all the way through, rather than I'm curating this, or I'm not giving you any
• 22:48
  Christie: guidance or boundaries at all.
• 22:49
  Christie: Right.
• 22:49
  Christie: And the ownership is actually the goal, not the, it is not the outcome of their choice.
• 22:54
  Christie: Exactly.
• 22:54
  Christie: Because if they.
• 22:56
  Christie: Choose X, Y, Z that you're not a fan of.
• 22:59
  Christie: We talk about that a lot here.
• 23:00
  Christie: They may choose against your value system, but the fact that they are owning their own life.
• 23:05
  Christie: Yes, and living as an independent adult is the goal.
• 23:09
  Kyla: It certainly is.
• 23:10
  Kyla: But I think what keeps the bridge open is what I've learned from you two on the podcast is how you respond.
• 23:16
  Kyla: When they do make a mistake and have a natural consequence, not I told you so, you knew better, but I'm so sorry.
• 23:24
  Kyla: That's hard.
• 23:25
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 23:25
  Kyla: You know, being empathetic to much, a fair
• 23:29
  Cheryl: consequence.
• 23:30
  Cheryl: Of course.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:31
  Kyla: Yes, I get the philosophy.
• 23:33
  Kyla: That's great information, but help me implement this.
• 23:37
  Kyla: How does this look?
• 23:38
  Kyla: The magic question?
• 23:39
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 23:39
  Kyla: Tell me how to do this.
• 23:41
  Kyla: Wow.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: We are out of time, so could you come back in another time?
• 23:46
  Cheryl: What about if we do like we do with other things that we walk through?
• 23:49
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: This is what it might look like.
• 23:50
  Cheryl: Littles, middles, and bigs.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: And our young adults.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: Sounds good.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: Oh, great.
• 23:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: So listeners, remember, hang in there.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 24:01
  Cheryl New: Letting go isn't easy.
• 24:03
  Cheryl New: It stretches us as much as it grows our kids, but each step of release helps them move more towards adulthood and helps us learn to trust the process.
• 24:15
  Cheryl New: We'll talk more next time about what it looks like at different ages.
• 24:20
  Cheryl New: In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you.
• 24:24
  Cheryl New: Reach out on our website, on social media, or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 24:32
  Cheryl New: Remember, you aren't walking this road alone.