Latest / J&B Live Podcast / ARE YOU HELPING YOUR FAMILY—OR LOSING YOURSELF TRYING TO SAVE THEM? 💔🏠

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ARE YOU HELPING YOUR FAMILY—OR LOSING YOURSELF TRYING TO SAVE THEM? 💔🏠 · J&B Live Podcast

0:00
It can be difficult, though, to look at your grown child and separate the adult
0:06
standing in front of you from the child you once held in your arms.
0:10
It can be difficult to do that.
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Yeah, that's right, Dabi. You know, they may be 35 or 40 years old,
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but you still remember when they needed you for everything.
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You know, that parental instinct, it does not disappear simply because they became an adult.
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It doesn't and I am a uh hey Terry I am a,
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problem fixer I can attest to that I am I'm on it I believe if my children need
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me for anything adult I am there but,
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I don't need to do that every time they're not adults and and let's think about
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it guys the way that we help we have to change it with our children when they're grown, particularly.
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When they were young, we were responsible for helping them solve many of their
1:02
problems. But as adults, they've got to learn how to participate in solving their own problems.
1:09
And like I tell mine all the time, mama can't solve all your problems.
1:14
Yeah, you know, but the same principle can apply to other family members as well, Doc B.
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You may have a brother, sister, cousin, or even a parent who needs support.
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But support should not automatically mean that you take over their entire lives.
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Because there's some people out there feel like because they're helping you,
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you need to do exactly what they say.
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If they give you money, you need to spend that money exactly how they tell you to spend it.
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Yeah, there are people that say that. But then you have to think about this too, Bro Project 3.
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There are legitimate reasons why somebody, a family member or just a close friend
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or whatever may need your help.
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There are legitimate reasons. They may have lost their job.
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They may be going through a divorce, may have developed some type of medical
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condition, lost a spouse, or just experiencing some type of.
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Financial crisis that they did not plan for. And that happens. I can understand that.
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Yeah, but, you know, there should be no shame in asking for help during a real
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crisis either. Yeah. You know, life can knock any of us down, Doc B.
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Yeah, yeah. But receiving help should come with gratitude. In other words,
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they should be appreciative. I can't even, I want to scream this.
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They should be appreciative with gratitude, with communication and effort.
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They should be thankful that you're helping them.
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Some people you help, they're not even appreciative that you're helping them.
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The person that's receiving the support should be doing something to improve
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their situation. Okay, I've helped you.
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Now, what are you going to do to help yourself? Okay, they should be doing something
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regardless if it's physically or mentally.
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They need to be doing something to help themselves, to empower themselves instead
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of relying on you all the time.
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Yeah, and that's the part that people sometimes leave out, Doc B.
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You know, they want the support, but they don't want the accountability that should come with it.
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And they don't want to hear you. They just want you to help them.
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They don't want to hear what you got to say. So, you know, my question is,
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okay, if I help you, what is your plan?
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What steps are you taking so that this don't happen again?
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And they may act like, you know, sometimes when you ask them questions,
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they feel like you're attacking them. I'm like, what's up with that? I'm trying to help you.
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But I don't want to be back here two or three months later.
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Yeah, but asking for a plan is not an attack, Dobby.
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You know, it's how you determine whether your assistance is actually helping
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someone move forward or simply making it easy for them to remain in the same place.
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Yeah, and that's my thing. I don't want people that I help to be back asking
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me the same thing in the next couple of weeks or so. I don't want that, okay?
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That doesn't make any sense to me, okay?
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No, it doesn't. So let's see if we can hear from the audience a little bit, Doc B.
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Okay, BrokerJay3. Let's go ahead and ask this audience this question.
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What is the question, BrokerJay3?
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Okay. All right. So when a family member asks for help, do you ask questions
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first or do you immediately step in?
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Okay, guys, we need to hear from you. When a family member asks for help,
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do you ask questions first?
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You know, because I know as mothers, we want to ask what you need it for.
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You know, when I'm going to get my money back. Or do you immediately step in,
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just like a lot of mothers do?
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We need to hear from you guys. Drop it in the chat.
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All right. And if you're considering the dependable one in the family,
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you know, the person everybody call whenever they're the problem,
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you know, because sometimes certain people in the family are always the one that everybody calls.
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You know, I've been that person for years, so I totally understand.
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Yeah. And Broker J3, I am the one that people normally call when they need some help.
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And, you know, I'm the type of person, you know, if you need help from me,
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I'm going to make you work for that help because I'm trying to teach you that
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you can't get nothing for free.
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You need to work for you get because if I start handing you out,
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handing you stuff, giving you money, you're going to become complacent.
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You're going to think everybody's supposed to give you something.
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No, no, no. You need to work for it. Okay.
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So I want you to type in, I'm the one in the comment section.
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If you are always expected to fix everything.
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If you are a mother that's joined into this conversation, I know for a fact
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most mothers, if you have adult children, teenage children, adolescent,
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you are expected to fix everything.
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There's some fathers out there that fix things too. Now, don't get me wrong,
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but I know a lot of people, a lot of children rely on their mothers for pretty much everything.
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Even if the mother has to convince the father to do it, because,
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you know, most of the time fathers are a little bit more tougher on children than the mothers are.
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Am I right or wrong, Broker J3?
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Well, you know, it depends. But, you know, for the most part,
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you know, I give you a thumbs up on that one.
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You know, but guys, we want to we want you guys to answer that honestly.
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You know, who checks on you?
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When you're the one that everybody depends on. So if everybody depends on you,
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who's the one in your family or friends that check on you to make sure that you're okay?
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I'm going to say this out loud.
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I don't have anybody checking on me because I'm so busy checking on everybody else.
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And that's why sometimes it gets to me because I'm saying to myself,
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okay, I'm doing all of this. I'm doing A, B, C, X, Y, Z.
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But who's checking on me to make sure that I'm doing okay?
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Normally, the person that's doing all the work.
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Normally, they say, well, you got it.
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You know, you don't need no help. They automatically assume the person providing
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the help don't need no help.
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All right, guys. Big shout out to everybody that's tapping the screen,
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sharing the live, and inviting people into the conversation.
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Cinnamon, James Henley, Copeland,
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Jaleese Price. Legendary is online as well. Thank you. We appreciate you guys.
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Keep those hearts coming.
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Keep those gifts coming. We appreciate you guys for stopping by this evening
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to join us in this conversation.
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And special thanks to our top gifter, Broker J3.
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Oh, yeah, definitely. We appreciate you supporting JMB Live and helping us continue
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these real conversations. Thank you again.
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All right, guys. So when temporary help becomes a lifestyle,
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you know, we know about these people. These people here, they always contacting
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everybody when they need help.
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You know, it's actually their lifestyle. That's how they get their bills paid.
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That's how they get things done, asking and depending on everybody else.
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So let's talk about grown children moving back home, okay? We know the economy
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and everything going on. There's a lot of that going on. And it is understandable.
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But because it's happening to families everywhere, so we know that it's happening.
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Oh, God. Moving back home is not automatically, guys, a sign of failure.
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So don't think that for a minute.
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The housing costs are just through the roof. Even in my area,
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you're talking about $1,200, $1,300 a month.
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And see, that may be extremely low for some of you guys, depending on where you guys live.
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But the housing costs are high. The wages are not keeping up with your expenses.
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Because just think about the grocery prices.
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One unexpected event, guys, like a motor goes out on your car or whatnot,
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or a hospital bill, can place a responsible person in a difficult position. One little deal.
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That's right. And sometimes moving home may be the smartest decision that you can make.
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It can give someone a chance to recover, save money, or maybe even return to
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school or find better employment or leave an unhealthy relationship.
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Okay, so guys, so this is what happens. It's not simply about the fact that you move back home.
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The issue is, what are you going to do to improve your situation once you move
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back home? Because you have to be thinking when you move back home, okay, I'm back home now.
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What am I going to do to make sure that this does not happen again?
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That should be your first priority so that you can plan so you don't get caught
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up in a situation where you have to do it again.
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Yeah. Thank you, Erfsky. God bless you too.
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You know, a lot of people are rebuilding, you know, but the only problem is
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some of them, they're getting comfortable.
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You know, are they saving money?
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Are they looking for work? Or are they even contributing to the household?
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Or are they preparing for their independence? You know, those are some real
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questions that need to be asked, especially when someone moves back home with their parents.
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Yeah, and ask yourself, okay, this is what I'm going to ask you guys now.
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For those of you who your children may have moved back home,
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okay, are your children sleeping late?
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Oh, that's a pet peeve of mine because, you know, I'm an early bird.
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Are they going out partying, but they don't move back home in your house, okay?
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Are they ordering, door dashing, 24-7?
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Are they buying clothes, got the name brand, sneakers?
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And are they spending money on entertainment while the parents,
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while you are still carrying all the household expenses?
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Now, make that make sense to me.
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Because see, Dobby, that's where the resentment starts to begin.
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Because the parents may be paying for the mortgage, the utilities,
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the insurance, groceries, and repairs, while the other capable adults that's
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living in the home are not even contributing.
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Okay. And then, so you have to think about it, Broco J3. So what's happening
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to the parents in this situation? They're sacrificing for their children,
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but their children still living, what, their best lives, okay?
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They haven't missed the beat, but they move back home with their parents,
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and the parents paying all their bills.
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So guess what? The parents may have to delay retiring.
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They may have to come out of their savings account to pay for all of the expenses.
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They may have to work some additional years because now what's happening is
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they are supporting grown children and grandchildren.
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Because like I said, sometimes when they come home, they don't move back home
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by themselves. They bring their wives or husbands and the children along with them.
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Yeah, and the grown child may say, but you're my parent. I thought you wanted to help me.
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But being someone's parent doesn't mean that you have to finance their lack
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of responsibility for the rest of their life.
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I agree with you 100%. I agree with you.
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Parents should also take a look at whether the fear is influencing their decision.
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Some parents are afraid to establish rules or charge rent. Oh, no.
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Uh-uh. Uh-uh. If they move back home, you should be charging them rent.
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Give them a deadline when they're supposed to move back out.
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And even if the child becomes angry or stops speaking to them, I don't care.
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You have a life as well. You have to consider yourself and how you have to consider
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taking care of you instead of taking care of your adult children.
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And their children, perhaps.
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So most times they remain silent.
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Even while the resentment is building inside them, most of them stay silent.
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And silence will not protect that relationship. I don't care how silent you are.
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It usually allows the frustration to, guess what, it's going to grow and it's
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going to build up that's going to build up until eventually you're going to explode.
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One of you, more than likely the parents, will get tired of it and you will explode.
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So if the adult child moves home.
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And family needs an honest conversation, you know, right up front.
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I think as soon as they come in into the house, that conversation.
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Listen, Broker J3, as soon as they come in the door.
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That conversation needs to happen immediately. And the reason you ask what,
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you got to ask them, first of all, what is the reason why you're returning home
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or what is the reason why you need to return home?
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You know, how long are you expected to be here?
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You know, you need to get that end date because if they just say until I get
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myself together, that may never happen.
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And you have to ask, what will the adult child contribute? Are you going to
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be contributing to the household?
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You know, because if you're trying to save your money, are you going to be able
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to keep the house clean? Are you going to be able to cut the grass?
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Are you going to be able to cook dinner sometimes? You know,
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what are you going to contribute to the household?
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And again, goes back to what we talked about a moment ago.
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What is your plan for moving? because you can't be here forever.
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We need to know what the exit plan is.
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Exactly. Let me tell you something, guys. If mine move back in,
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I'm asking them right away.
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When are you planning to move back out? I need to know two months, three months.
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I need to have some idea of how long you can be there because guess what?
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I don't want nothing disturbing my peace. And just think about it,
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guys. When they move in, you got to think about the contributions that they make.
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It may not always be financial. You can give them certain bills to pay,
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or I want you to pay X number of dollars per month. They also can help with cooking.
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They can do some cleaning, because I'm not cleaning behind an adult child.
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Okay, I don't like doing that.
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Transportation, they can definitely take care of their own child care if they
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have children. Yard work.
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And other family members, if there's an elderly person in the household as well,
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they can help take care of that elderly family member as well.
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But there should be some form of participation other than financial if your
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adult children move back home.
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That's right. Because when one adult is carrying everything and the other adults
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are only receiving, that is no longer a partnership. It becomes dependency.
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And guess what? They will allow you.
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They won't say one word about doing something extra because they know that's mama and daddy.
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They're not going to say nothing extra unless you force them to do it,
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guys. Okay. So now, let's think about this.
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Should grown children who return home be expected to pay rent or contribute
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to household expenses? What you think, Broker J3?
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You know, um...
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I think so. I think if they if they can't pay anything financially because they're
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trying to save their money to move, then they should contribute some other way
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in the household. You know, I think they should.
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So what do you guys think? Drop it in the chat if you think that grown children
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who return home should pay rent or contribute to the household expense.
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You know and also should there be a deadline or should they be allowed to stay
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as long as they need of course we and doc we already agree there's no such thing
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as saying as long as you need no it ain't broken day three
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because listen when they move
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in i'm gonna be asking them when you're leaving when you're moving out,
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you need your own space you know sometimes when kids can become adults and then
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they move back home there's too much testosterone in the household.
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Sean Lewis says good evening family hold on let me see good evening family I
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did it twice for my daughter and stepson I have a 90 day rule,
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I like it I believe if you're working a full time job without having to pay
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anything you should save some money Okay, okay. Hey, I like that.
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I am full support of that. 90 days is perfect. But like I said,
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when they move in, when they move in, I want to know when you're going to move out.
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I need my peace. Because let's think about it, guys.
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We've been parents for years. We are in our golden years. Some of us are pre-golden years.
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I don't want the drama of dealing with no adult children. I don't care if it's son or daughter.
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You need your own space where you can do whatever you want to do.
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I don't have to remind you to clean up. I don't remind you to pay this bill.
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Uh-uh. No. I need my peace. Okay, guys? So we have established that.
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What was the viewer's name again? He said 90 days. Sean Lewis.
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Okay, guys. So he agrees that 90 days, there is a deadline. And parents, let me ask you this.
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Have you ever avoided establishing rules?
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See, parents, our parents do that because they're afraid of damaging your relationship.
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Listen, they avoid establishing rules because they're afraid of damaging the
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relationship with your child. Uh-uh. No.
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If you are in that situation, please tell me.
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Say yes. I want to hear it. If you are afraid of damaging a relationship with
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your adult children, and so you did not establish the rules,
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come in in the comment section and chat and say yes.
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If you do, I'm going to be, I'm really mad because you don't have to do that. You are the parent.
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You don't have to establish anything.
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They should come in the door saying, mom and dad, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that.
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All right, I'm off my little soapbox, Broker J3. It's all good.
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All right, family. Hey, drop your city and state in the comments so we can see
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where everybody is watching from tonight.
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We like to know where you guys are hailing from. So drop your city and state or your country.
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If you don't want to give that information, just tell us what country you're
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hailing from. Because recently we've been getting a lot of international viewers
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and we really appreciate the love.
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Yeah. Okay. Somebody put in, I don't like this comment, but this little brother
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said, bro, got his wife wearing the hoochie dress. I don't know who he's talking about.
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I don't even fit in no hoochie category. That's King.
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Yeah. Do you know King? That's King. No, I don't know him, but King the King.
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He makes those comments that I don't understand quite. He makes the comments,
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and King, me and Doc B are not married, but.
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She is a very beautiful woman. Now, I'm not sure about the hoochie dress.
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It's a sundress. It's a sundress. Dr. B has a sundress series.
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You should check it out if you want to see more of those hoochie dresses. I go live on Wednesdays.
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And I did not know this fit into the category of hoochie dress.
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So, guys, if you think this is a hoochie dress, please let me know so I can throw it in the trash.
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Okay, guys. So, shout out to everyone sharing their personal experiences.
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Your story may help another family recognize a problem that they were afraid
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to discuss. So, thank you, guys.
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And even for King. King, thank you for your comments. Always.
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I don't agree with everything, but still, thank you again for joining us this evening.
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Yeah. All right, guys. We're going to get into this scenario.
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I only need a few months. Okay?
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So, go ahead and start us off, Doc B. Okay, now, just think about it.
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A 36-year-old man, okay, loses his apartment after his work hours are reduced. Okay.
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His mother allows him to, guess what, move back home for six months.
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Okay. Mama, I'm going to be here for six months so that he can rebuild his finances. Okay.
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So guess what? At first.
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He's grateful to his mom for allowing him to move back home.
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But once he moved in, he stopped looking. He ain't looking for nothing else,
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no apartment. Because guess what?
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He at home with mama, so he comfortable right now, okay?
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He works a few hours each week.
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I'm talking about maybe like, what, 10 and under. That's what I consider a few.
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Spends most evenings playing his little video games and regularly goes out with
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his friends. So he got enough time to go out with his friends, okay?
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His mother is paying the utility bills.
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She's buying the groceries. She washes. Oh, I almost said a cussing word.
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Washes his clothes and gives him gas money. Really, mom?
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When she asks him about his plans, he becomes defensive. I don't know what you're
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talking about. And says, you my mama.
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I thought family was supposed to help each other. So you see what doesn't happen?
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He's become complacent.
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Now he don't want to do jacks.
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But, you know, that statement is designed to make her feel guilty, Dot B.
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He is turning her love for him into an excuse for his lack of responsibility. That's what he's doing.
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Yeah, yeah, he's taking advantage. He's taking advantage of his mom.
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And to me, she should have enough guts to say so, but she's not doing that.
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Okay, so she's offered him a safe place to rebuild,
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but instead of rebuilding, you know, getting himself back together so he can
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get back on his feet and become independent again, he's created a comfortable
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place to avoid being a child.
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I mean, I'm sorry, being an adult, because what he's done is sunk back into
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childhood. That's what he's doing, letting his mama take care of him.
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But you know you know while he's he is he's responsible for his own choices
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dot b his mother his mother has to examine what she is,
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continuing to do for him washing his clothes giving him spending money oh and
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removing every inconvenience maybe making it easier for him not to change,
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you know what broker j3 that does make my head hurt the note the fact that she
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washing his clothes. That's a grown man.
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Grown man. And giving him spending money. A grown man? Okay.
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This does not mean that she calls his behavior. It doesn't mean that what she's
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doing for him because she's thinking she's helping him.
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She just got it twisted a little bit. But she may be unintentionally supporting
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him. She's really enabling this type of behavior.
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Yeah. You know, helping him, you know, would sound like this.
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You can stay here, but you have to work.
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You have to save some money and you have to contribute to this household.
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At least show me some progress that you're trying to help yourself.
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And guys, believe me, I have been there. I have had children to move back home.
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But when they move back home, I charge them rent normally.
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They have to participate in some type of household chores it don't necessarily
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have to be the household it could be outside but i also want you to keep your room clean,
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just think about it guys when you are enabling them it sounds like this i will
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continue doing everything because
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i am afraid of what might happen if i stop uh-uh no they are adults,
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you have to treat them like adults,
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Yeah, you're absolutely right about that, Dr. B. You have to treat them like adults, you know.
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You have to. But, you know, at the same time, you know, what if she asked,
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you know, herself, what kind of mother would put her own child out?
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Okay, guys. So what you should be doing, you should say to them,
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You can stay here, but you must work, you must save your money,
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you must contribute to the home, and you must show some type of progress.
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You have to show them that they have to try to get on their feet.
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And you also need to ask them, what kind of future am I helping that person
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create if I teach them that somebody's always going to be there to rescue them?
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You've got to teach them how to survive if you're not there.
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Nobody's going to live forever.
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So you have to teach your children how to be adults and live independently.
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All right, Dr. B. Right now, we've got some quick shout outs and then let's go to scenario two.
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Okay. Okay.
27:10
Let's go to scenario number two.
27:12
Okay. So let's do some shout outs to G Money. We got Big T.
27:17
We got Sugar Daddy on the line as well.
27:21
Kakiya and, unfortunately, Jameen Robbins. Thank you guys for joining us this
27:27
evening. We appreciate you guys. Thank you guys for being a part of the J&B family.
27:33
You guys, some of you who have been with us from day one. And shout out to our top gifters. Okay.
27:40
All right, Broker J3, want to go to that scenario?
27:43
Yep. We're going to go to the second scenario, guys. The daughter who carries everything.
27:49
All right. Our second scenario, it addresses another kind of family sacrifice.
27:55
A 60-year-old woman, she moves her elderly father into her home after he begins
28:01
to experience health and mobility problems.
28:04
She loves him deeply and wants him safe.
28:08
Yeah. She works full time. Okay. Prepares his meal.
28:11
Okay. Takes him to his medical appointments. Uh-huh. She manages his medication. She cleans the house.
28:17
And she pays for many of his expenses. Okay. Now, she has three siblings.
28:22
Now, keep in mind, she's 60 years old. She has three siblings,
28:26
but they rarely help at all.
28:28
They tell her that she is better at caring for him and that they got their own
28:33
schedules because they're too busy.
28:36
Now, over time, her health begins declining.
28:40
She's not sleeping. Her marriage is under pressure.
28:44
She feels guilty whenever she considers asking her siblings to do more.
28:49
Yeah, yeah. So this one hits close to home because this just reminds us that
28:54
not every family, difficult family situation involves someone intentionally taking advantage.
29:02
I'm going to kid you. I kid you not. There's usually one of your,
29:06
just say there's a mother, father, you have several children.
29:11
Females and males, whatever.
29:13
Usually there's going to be one that does more than any of the others.
29:17
That's just a part of life. I don't care what it is. But you have to think about it.
29:23
And there's going to be one that you're going to love the most.
29:26
You're going to have a favorite. A lot of people say, well, I don't have no
29:29
favorite child. Yeah, you do. You do.
29:33
There's going to be one that's going to be closer to you than the others.
29:36
And that's just a part of life. But this reminds me of how life is, and sometimes that.
29:45
That child, sibling, or whatever does more for you or more for someone,
29:51
it may seem like it's unfair, but that's just a part of life.
29:55
That just happens sometimes.
29:57
Okay. Now, her father may genuinely need care. Uh-huh.
30:02
It may be deeply appreciative, but the unfairness may come from the siblings
30:08
who have decided that one responsible child should carry the entire burden.
30:14
Oh, that happens so often. I have seen that happen. It's happened to me before.
30:20
One sibling becomes the caregiver because they live closer.
30:24
And not just that is because the other ones may work all the time.
30:28
There's a lot of barriers as to why one sibling can be more of a caregiver.
30:34
You know, that one that does more may have a flexible schedule or always been
30:40
considered the most dependable one.
30:43
Guys, I hear you. I see you. Usually you have one.
30:47
You usually have one child that does more, that's more dependable.
30:51
You usually have one sibling that does more and that you can depend on as well. So it's normal.
30:59
Okay. So everybody else gets to continue living their lives because they know that she'll handle it.
31:07
Mm-hmm. But loving a parent does not mean one child should lose their health.
31:13
Sometimes you are overworking that one that's doing it all.
31:17
Doesn't mean that they should lose their marriage, their career,
31:20
and their peace while the other children just remain uninvolved.
31:24
You got some of them that'll sit back and won't do nothing, and they'll sit
31:29
back and watch that one child do it all.
31:31
That's right. You know, the siblings may not be able to provide the same type
31:35
of care, But they can contribute in other ways.
31:39
They can provide transportation. They may even prepare some of the meals,
31:44
pay for certain expenses, arrange for the health care, you know, make calls.
31:52
You know, for providers to be able to help out their father or even spend the
31:56
weekends with their father so that sister can rest.
31:59
Come on. Yeah, but I've seen it happen too many times. People,
32:04
one would do it all. The other ones live out of town.
32:07
If they live out of town, then they pay somebody to do it. They pay somebody
32:11
to carry their load. But no, they won't do that.
32:14
And it's just like if you got one child that's doing it all and the other ones
32:18
live out of town or working all the time, then you pay somebody to do what you
32:22
would have normally did.
32:23
Or if you want to pay or give that sibling that's doing it all,
32:27
give him something to say, well, hey, I appreciate you. I know you've been taking
32:31
care of mom and dad. I know you've been doing for sister, doing whatever.
32:34
Then they can step in and they can intervene. There's nothing wrong with that.
32:38
The caregiver, the person that's doing it all, must give themselves permission
32:43
to speak up before they become exhausted.
32:46
And then that exhaustion is going to become resentment eventually.
32:50
Yeah, because once resentment enters the situation, she may begin feeling angry.
32:58
And the very parent that she loves, you know what I'm saying,
33:04
it's just a lot. Yeah, yeah. And then you have to ask yourself,
33:08
okay, then what's going to happen is that person may feel ashamed for being
33:12
angry. Some people get angry because they get angry at themselves for being angry.
33:18
They feel ashamed for being angry, which adds to even more emotional weight
33:23
because you want to do the right thing, but you become exhausted and you need some help.
33:28
And there's nothing wrong with expressing that feeling that you need some help.
33:33
Yeah, and so the caregivers need care, too. You know, being the strong one doesn't
33:39
mean that, you know, you're supposed to suffer in silence.
33:43
No, no, it does not. Okay, guys, so we've got some comments. We appreciate you guys.
33:48
Keep those comments coming. Always available.
33:54
Trigger, I-Y-K-Y-K, Sharon Meek.
33:59
Thank you for commenting. Thank you for the comments. We've got one comment
34:04
who's Patricia from Birmingham that says, I cared for my mother for five years.
34:10
My siblings visited on holidays and still criticized my decision.
34:16
They had no right because guess what? You were the caregiver.
34:19
They had no right to criticize anything you do. You did because they weren't there.
34:26
Yeah. And Jerome from Savannah says some family members disappeared during the
34:31
caregiving but returned when there is property or money to divide.
34:36
Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, that is true. Okay. And that's why a lot of people
34:42
will come back and try to get back involved is because of the fact that
34:47
they then know that if that person, especially that person that's on their deathbed,
34:52
they want to make sure that they're seen and they're heard because they want
34:56
to make sure that if some money, if there's a life insurance policy or whatnot, then they can get paid.
35:02
Okay, guys. So also we got Angela from Detroit that says, I love my father,
35:07
but caregiving nearly destroyed my health.
35:10
I wish I had asked for help sooner.
35:15
All right, guys. So the question is, should all the siblings be expected to
35:20
contribute when an aging parent needs care?
35:24
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, guys. And what should the primary caregiver do
35:30
when the others refuse? What should you do?
35:33
Okay. And so this is something that we all need to think about it because I
35:37
have three adult children.
35:40
And so you have to think about this.
35:42
And there's nothing wrong with one of the children stepping up to care for you,
35:48
when something happens.
35:49
However, you want that to be shared.
35:52
You want all of the children to share in that responsibility of being a caregiver.
35:57
Yeah. So any caregivers that's out there watching tonight, you know,
36:02
tell us, what do you need that your family may not be recognizing?
36:07
Okay, guys. Okay. All right. So guys, a heartfelt shout out to every caregiver watching tonight.
36:17
I know so many, you know, women my age in their 50s and their 60s who are currently
36:23
taking care of their mothers.
36:26
You know, you know, at this age, people are living longer.
36:30
People are living to 80s and 90s. And so they're out there now taking care of their parents.
36:36
And I often tell them God is going to bless you for taking care of your mother
36:41
because that's what you should do.
36:42
The mother has raised you all of these years. That's the least that you can
36:47
do is take care of them in their golden years.
36:51
Yeah, you're so right about that, Dr. B. Like I said, this subject is really
36:56
deep on you tonight. Yes, it is.
36:57
All right, guys, thank you for our top gifters and everybody sharing the live,
37:01
sharing this conversation with families who may need to have this conversation.
37:06
We really appreciate you guys. Thank you so much.
37:10
So we're going to go ahead and move right into how to help,
37:14
without disappearing because, you know, it's a lot of people out there that
37:19
get to the point where They're so tired of helping that they start to disappear
37:24
from the equation altogether.
37:26
So, Dot B, after recognizing the problem, how do people begin changing it without
37:32
feeling as though they need to abandon their families altogether?
37:36
Whether it's that parent helping that child or that child helping out their
37:41
parents without the sibling help, what can they do?
37:44
Okay, so guys, the first step is being honest about what help is costing you,
37:51
you know, because it might be a financial burden to you.
37:54
Are you losing sleep because you can't afford it? Are you falling behind financially?
38:00
Are you neglecting your own health? Because some people are neglecting their
38:04
own health trying to take care of somebody else.
38:06
And are you arguing with your spouse? Are you feeling anxious every time the
38:10
telephone rings? You have to take care of yourself as well. Thank you.
38:15
You know, because those feelings, they're warning signs, guys.
38:19
You know, your body and your mind might be telling you that the situation has
38:23
actually exceeded what you can reasonably carry.
38:27
Okay. And then now the second thing, guys, is you want to clearly define what
38:32
you can and what you cannot do.
38:35
Don't compromise money that you cannot afford. In other words,
38:41
don't say you're going to pay something. and you know you can't afford it,
38:43
you know, because things get expensive.
38:46
Don't offer housing to your adult children or anyone in that matter without
38:52
rules. In other words, set those rules beforehand and find out when they plan on moving out.
38:58
Do not agree to become the permanent solution to a temporary basis.
39:05
That's right. And third, guys, create a plan around the assistance.
39:10
You know, that now that's very important. You know, what is the goal?
39:14
You know, what steps must be taken?
39:16
You know, that this person needs to take in order for them to be able to move on.
39:21
And what will they contribute? If they can't do it financially,
39:25
what will you do around the house? Will you help wash the dishes?
39:28
Will you help clean the house?
39:30
You know, or do the yard work? You know, and you always have to ask when will
39:35
the arrangement be reviewed, meaning that if you if you you're on a six month
39:40
term, you know, every two months, we're going to check in.
39:43
We're going to see how things are coming along because you don't want to wait
39:46
until that six month come and say, hey, you ready to move?
39:50
I haven't had a chance to save any money. That's a little bit too late.
39:53
You should have been checking to make sure that they was following what they
39:56
needed to do to stick to their plan.
39:58
I agree with you 100 percent. And then four, stop doing for capable adults what
40:06
they can do for themselves.
40:07
They're adults. I thought about washing their clothes.
40:10
No. You can support their efforts, but you cannot become their effort.
40:16
They're grown. They should know how to wash their own clothes. Come on now.
40:19
Gas money? No. Uh-uh. No.
40:24
No. And you know, Dr. B, and that means allowing them to experience some kinds of discomfort.
40:30
You can't make everything very comfortable for them because believe me,
40:34
if you're helping someone, you're experiencing some discomforts yourself.
40:38
It could be your peace. It could be your privacy.
40:41
It could be a couple of things that you're in discomfort with because you're
40:45
trying to help someone else.
40:46
Sometimes interrupt the very consequences that could finally motivate a person to change.
40:53
You know, I know a person that lived with his sister and for some reason,
41:00
he never wanted to move out of that situation because he enjoyed,
41:06
he actually enjoyed the convenience of living with his sister. Now, don't get me wrong.
41:11
They was using each other. The sister was using him to be a nanny,
41:17
you know, for her children to help her with daycare costs and to watch the children
41:23
when she wanted to do extracurricular activities.
41:26
You know, one day they had a big falling out and it got to the point where she
41:30
wanted him gone. So he left.
41:33
Now, strangely enough, because of that fallout.
41:37
Two months later, he got his own place. Yeah. He wound up getting two jobs.
41:43
Yeah. And now he's doing very well not living with his sister.
41:47
So that goes to show sometimes you have to do something to help motivate them
41:53
that will cause a person to change.
41:55
Yeah, that is true. And so that worked out good for that sibling because he
41:59
ended up getting his own place.
42:01
Had that not happened, he may still be living with the siblings.
42:06
Exactly. You see what I'm saying?
42:08
So guys, the fifth thing I want you to do is stop confusing anger with evidence
42:13
that your boundaries is wrong. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries
42:19
when adult children move back home.
42:21
I don't care if they get upset with you or not. That's your house.
42:25
And they get upset sometimes because they can no longer benefit from your lack of limits.
42:31
That's what happens. But you need to set those limits so that they can become
42:37
independent. Because just think about it.
42:39
You don't want to enable that type of behavior. And that's what you do if you don't set those limits.
42:45
Yeah. They may even call you selfish. Yeah. They don't say something to everybody.
42:50
They may tell other relatives that, man, she changed. She changed.
42:54
But sometimes changing is exactly what needs to happen.
42:58
Yeah, that is true. Okay. And finally, guys, remember, I want you to remember
43:02
this, that help must involve two people.
43:06
One person offers support. You're offering support to them, and the other person
43:11
participates in the solution, participates in the solution, not leave the solution completely up to you.
43:20
That's right. You cannot save someone who refuses to participate in their own rescue.
43:25
So if you're trying to help somebody to be able to get back on their feet and
43:30
they're showing no effort in helping themselves, then what are you doing?
43:35
Yeah, yeah, that is true. Okay, guys. So what are you doing? That's a big question.
43:43
You want to help them, not enable them. And that's what we're talking about this evening.
43:49
And you should not have to lose your entire life proving that you love them.
43:55
You know, you love them because you help them, but you want to help them to
44:00
become independent again and not rely on you.
44:11
All right, Dr. D. Ask the audience some final questions to see how they feel.
44:17
Okay, guys, so everyone listening, are you helping someone move forward or are
44:23
you helping them remain comfortable while you slowly fall apart?
44:29
Are you falling apart? Because what you're doing is doing so much to help that
44:34
person that you're losing yourself in the process.
44:39
And if you're the person that's actually receiving the help,
44:42
if you want a person listening tonight and you're one of the people that's receiving
44:46
the help, are you truly rebuilding or have you become comfortable allowing somebody else to carry you?
44:54
Okay, guys. So if you want us to continue this conversation with a part two,
45:01
which this was just part one.
45:04
If you want us to continue with a part two about boundaries.
45:08
We're talking about family guilt, money, caregiving, adult children,
45:13
and knowing when enough is enough.
45:16
I want you to let us know. Type part two in the comment section.
45:21
That's right, guys. Type part two in the comments if this topic connected with
45:26
your life and you want us to go deeper.
45:28
Okay. All right. I want to give final shout outs to everyone who opened up their hearts tonight.
45:34
Thank you. You know, your story may be the reason other people finally,
45:37
you know, they feel like they're understood. Big shout outs to Arnold, Peaches, too.
45:42
Yeah. Iwa, Solo, Shurika, Private King. Thank you. Appreciate you guys so much for joining us.
45:50
All right, guys. So thank you again to our top gifter for all of your gifts,
45:58
your hearts, all of you guys who have joined us.
46:02
Thank you to our subscribers, our followers, and just everyone supporting JMB
46:08
Live across every last one of our platforms.
46:11
Yeah. And guys, for our audio listeners out there that may not be able to get
46:16
a chance to catch the live or came in late, you can always go back.
46:23
To the audio platforms, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Pandora,
46:29
Spotify, Deezer, Podbean, or wherever you get your podcast listening enjoyment.
46:34
Just look for J&B Live podcast, guys, and we are there. And we appreciate all
46:40
the love and support that you guys give us.
46:42
Okay, guys, so go ahead and drop those final comments in the chat.
46:48
And don't forget, guys, I need you to let me know, let us know.
46:53
Where you're hailing from, drop your city and your state.
46:57
Okay. All right. Private King, Ricky, Arnold Lacey, thank you again for joining us.
47:05
Okay, guys, I'm going to give my final thoughts and then Broker J3 will add his as well.
47:10
So I want to speak to the parent who is afraid to set the boundaries because there's a lot of people,
47:18
some of them are really afraid of their children, and the children have moved
47:22
back in, and they don't want to set no boundaries because they are afraid that
47:27
the children won't love them anymore.
47:30
I want to speak to the grown child who has come back home, returned home,
47:34
and is genuinely trying to rebuild,
47:37
and also speak to the caregiver who cries privately because everyone sees what
47:43
they do, okay? But guess what?
47:48
Nobody asks how they feel. Nobody's checking on the caregiver.
47:52
I want to speak to the brother, the sister, the grandparent,
47:56
the spouse, the friend who has given so much that they barely recognize themselves
48:01
anymore because guess what? They've lost themselves in what they do,
48:05
trying to care for others.
48:07
Helping someone you love is honorable. Don't get me wrong, but love should not
48:11
require you to disappear yourself.
48:15
You're not selfish for protecting your own health.
48:19
Your marriage, your finances, your home, or your peace.
48:23
And you're not abandoning someone simply because you refuse to carry a responsibility
48:29
that is not even yours. It belongs to them.
48:33
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to take a step back.
48:37
Let people become independent and take care of themselves. Stop rescuing people
48:42
and allow someone to discover their own strength.
48:44
Because if you don't rescue them, they figure it out for themselves,
48:48
And then they determine that they're stronger than they thought they were. Okay.
48:51
And so you, they are able to discover the strength that they will never find
48:57
while you continue doing everything for them. Hmm.
49:03
All right, guys. Tonight, I want every listener to ask themselves,
49:09
which side of this conversation are you standing on?
49:12
Are you the person that's doing all the saving? Are you the person that's becoming
49:17
comfortable being saved?
49:19
Are you giving because you truly have the ability, or are you giving because
49:24
of guilt won't allow you to say no?
49:29
Are you accepting help with gratitude and effort, or are you taking advantage
49:35
of someone who loves you too much to let you fail?
49:39
You know, this is, you know, there is nothing wrong with needing a helping hand,
49:45
you know, because life can humble any of us, and I mean any of us,
49:49
and it don't matter what age you are.
49:52
But when someone reaches down to help you stand, you must eventually put your own feet beneath you.
50:00
Do not allow people who love you to go broke, become sick, lose their relationships,
50:08
or sacrifice their future while you refuse to change.
50:13
And to the person who is tired of carrying everybody, you are allowed to put
50:19
the weight down. Yes, you are.
50:22
You can love your family deeply without allowing their choices to become the
50:28
reason you lose yourself.
50:30
Yeah, and you can love them from a distance as well. Okay, guys,
50:33
so tonight's conversation was not about turning your back on family.
50:37
So don't think that for a minute. That's not what we're discussing.
50:41
It was about helping people with wisdom, honesty, accountability, and love.
50:47
You want to be able to help them, but you don't want to enable that bad behavior.
50:54
Yeah. So let us know in the comments, guys, for real, if you guys want to refer to this.
51:00
And even if you're watching this on replay or on one of the podcast networks,
51:07
you can always still put in the comments and let us know if you want a part
51:10
two and just put in there part two. And we'll be glad to do that, guys.
51:13
We want to hear your experiences and the questions you have and what you believe
51:19
that should be addressed that we have not addressed as of yet in regards to this topic.
51:24
Okay, guys. So follow us. I want you to subscribe, share this conversation,
51:29
and invite somebody who may need to hear it.
51:33
That's right, guys. And until next time, I'm your favorite uncle,
51:37
your boy, and you know, that guy, Broker J3.
51:41
Okay, guys. And I'm your favorite auntie. I am your girl, Dr. B.
51:47
And as always, guys. All right. Let's talk about it.