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5. Leaving an abusive relationship · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello, let's talk about whether or not separation from your partner is the right choice for you.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Actually, before we start talking about that, firstly I would like to apologise for my croaky voice.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure if you can pick that up.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'll try and clean that up in the editing stage.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: I'm recording this on Christmas Eve and I've had a week of back-to-back coaching calls with my clients and yeah, pretty much because this is the week leading up to Christmas and Christmas can be a time of high-confliction anagans and increased post-separation abuse when we're co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: So hopefully this won't be too unbearable for you to listen to.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Back to the topic of whether or not separation is the right decision for you.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Sometimes separation and divorce is the right answer and sometimes it's not.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Even when it is, it can take a lot of careful planning over time, and that's especially important if your relationship has been abusive.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: As I coach women through separation, separation planning, divorce, and I specialise in high-conflict situations usually involving ongoing control and abuse, it would be easy to assume that I'm an advocate for divorce no matter what, but I'm not.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I'm an advocate for healthy, respectful relationships.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, it's not always possible for a relationship with a partner to be a healthy one, or a relationship with anyone for that matter, whether it be a friend, a family member, co-worker, whatever that relationship dynamic might be.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: People who are abusive, people who are controlling people who have high-conflict personalities tend to be constant blamers.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: They often create a narrative that puts you at the centre of blame for just about everything, including their abusive behaviour choices.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: In these kinds of relationships, separation can be the best option for both you and also for your children.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: If you happen to share children with the abusive person, that doesn't mean that your partner's necessarily never going to change or is incapable of change.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: But something that you really need to be honest with yourself about is whether or not the person in your life who has controlling behaviors or is abusive in other ways, whether they actually genuinely acknowledge that.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Do they recognize that there's a problem with their behavior and with the way that they're treating you?
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Do they recognize and accept and take responsibility for the fact that their behavior, choices, that their perhaps emotional immaturity or their difficulties managing their own emotions in an appropriate way?
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Do they acknowledge the fact that those things have caused harm?
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Do they acknowledge the fact that that's not okay?
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Are they committed to changing that by working with a professional, and would they be prepared to do that over a period of time, however long it may take, in order to actually properly address those things within themselves?
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: That's necessary for a relationship to work.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: That's necessary for someone with controlling or abusive behavior choices to change.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: They actually have to admit, acknowledge, accept that they are the problem, that their behavior is the problem.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Now, if that's not the case in your situation, if you have a partner who is very dismissive, who justifies their behaviors, who minimizes their behaviors, perhaps when they say sorry, they may say sorry in a way that's still dismissive.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: So they could say oh well, I'm sorry, you feel that way, they're not really sorry for what they've done.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: That's not them taking responsibility.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: That's them really putting the blame onto you.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: That's them saying that they haven't really done anything wrong.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: The problem is how you've perceived their behavior, that it's actually your reality that's to blame.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: And a genuine apology should also be followed up with a concerted effort to stop doing that particular behavior, for that behavior to not repeat itself again.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: And if those actions are not hand in hand with the words that are being used in that apology, then that person is really not sorry and they're really not taking responsibility for their own behavior.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: It can be really challenging to contemplate leaving your partner, whether you share children with them or not.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Obviously, sharing children with someone does add a whole lot more complications to things, but denying the reality of the situation really doesn't help anyone.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: It can help you, doesn't help your children.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: In fact, denying the reality of your partner's behavior and the harm that it's causing your family ultimately means that you are, in a number of ways, enabling his continued use of control and abuse.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean you're responsible for it.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that you're to blame, but there's a real problem if you're pretending that it's not happening, or if you're pretending that it's okay, or if you're making excuses for those behavior choices like oh well, he works hard, he deals with a lot of stress, he has whatever mental health condition.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: I work with a lot of women who initially, when they first started working with me, they were saying things that oh, I think he might be neurodiverse, I think he might be on the spectrum, I think he might have ADHD.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: It's really important to recognize that in and of themselves, people who are on the spectrum or people who have ADHD are not abusers.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: So if you're with someone who is controlling and who has abusive behavior choices.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: That's not to say that they don't have any other condition or experience.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: That's not to say that they're not neurodiverse.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: They might be, but if they are neurodiverse, then they're neurodiverse and they're an abuser.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Being neurodiverse in and of itself does not cause someone to be controlling and abusive to other people, and when we enable someone, we're protecting them from the consequences of their behavior, and that's never going to result in change or in a good situation for ourselves or for our children.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Staying in a relationship with an abuser who doesn't take genuine responsibility for their behavior so they continually make excuses or blame others, that's only going to lead to one thing, and that's more abuse.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: A common fear from clients that I work with before they separated from their partner was that they were breaking up the family, and in fact this is often used as a weapon by the abusive person who places all the blame for the breakup on the healthy person the healthy person who's finally had enough.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: It can be used to manipulate you into staying in an abusive relationship.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Abusive people will commonly use a whole range of tactics to attempt to get you to stay in the relationship.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: For this reason, sometimes the path to separation first involves developing confidence in yourself and trust in the decision that you're making before you've actually got any real clarity about the direction that you want to go in with your relationship, before you've ever said the words separation or divorce to your partner.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: And a number of the women that I work with started working with me prior to separating from their partner and with my support, they were able to gain clarity around the direction that they wanted to go in.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: And for the ones who chose to separate, together we created a separation plan that they were able to implement over time with my support.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Even with that additional support, there are still going to be challenges ahead High conflict, people, controlling people, abusive people.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: If separation hasn't been their idea, understandably they're not happy about it.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: They can behave in really inappropriate, abusive ways.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: They can threaten that they'll seek sole custody of children or other types of legal action or court action as a means to create fear and maintain control.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: The great thing about working with me prior to commencing the separation process is that the clients who work with me at that earlier stage are able to talk to me about all of these fears, and whilst I'm not a lawyer and I don't give legal advice.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: I am able to give my clients practical and realistic information about the likelihood of what their ex is actually saying.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: So, for example, the threat of seeking sole custody, which is often trotted out by abusive people, is really very much an empty threat and is highly unlikely to ever occur.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: So working with someone who understands those things prior to separation can help you to feel more confident during that process.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: It can help you to not be quite as shaky or as lacking in confidence or as uncertain, and so that's part of what coaching with me provides my clients when they work with me to make that separation plan and to implement that separation plan at a speed that feels right for them.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: And that's the key.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: My role is to provide guidance and information and to support, but it's not to push anyone to do something that they don't want to do and certainly not to go at a pace that they're not comfortable with.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Working with me is about creating some certainty and some confidence and some stability to create a foundation that you can then use to move forward with that next chapter of your life.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: So, again, it's really common for controlling and abusive people to make all kinds of threats.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: It's also common for them to cycle back around into the honeymoon phase of things and promise to change, to ask to go to counseling with you, to tell you that you're the love of their life.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: They can't live without you.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: They may also threaten self-harm, to take their own life, those sorts of things.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Well, we should never ignore any of those threats.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: They are very, very common ways that abusers try to maintain control of you and, again, this is where having my support has been so incredibly valuable for the clients that I work with.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Let's circle back again to something that I spoke about at the beginning of this episode and that was about change in what's required for there to be behavior change from someone who's controlling and abusive and the key thing that is really needed is that there be acknowledgement and acceptance and responsibility on their part for their behavior, that they're not minimizing their behavior, that they're not providing justifications, that they're not blaming you and saying that you're the reason that they do things, and also that they're not blaming drug or alcohol use or stress or a traumatic childhood or any of those things.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: Some of those things can be linked with problematic controlling and abusive behavior.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Some of those things can make those behaviors worse, but drugs and alcohol in and of themselves don't lead to someone being an abuser.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: If your partner has a substance abuse problem whether that be alcohol, prescription drugs or illegal drugs if that's the case, your partner's got two problems They've got the substance abuse problem and they've got the problem with their values, attitudes and beliefs.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: That leads them to be controlling and abusive.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: So there needs to be acknowledgement and full responsibility in order for there to be change.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: And I say this because it's really common for abusers to try and maintain control of the situation and really to try and talk you out of leaving by promising to change and by suggesting going to cancelling.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: Going to cancelling with someone who's controlling an abusive is very rarely a good idea.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: More often than not, those situations are used for an abuser to try and convince the canceller or the therapist of their narrative.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: They try and convince the canceller that you're the problem, and this is not helpful.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: If you're sitting here wondering whether or not cancelling might help your relationship, what I'm first inviting you to do is to reflect on whether your partner acknowledges responsibility for their own behaviour, for their own emotions, or do they blame you for how they feel?
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Do they make you responsible for their emotions?
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Or maybe the kids or maybe everyone in the family?
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: Do they blame you for their behaviour?
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Or the fact that they're stressed, or the fact that they just had too much to drink?
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: Or the fact that if you just did whatever XYZ, that they wouldn't have to yell, or they wouldn't have to do whatever the behaviour is?
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: If there's that sort of dismissing, minimising blame, shifting change is highly unlikely.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I would go so far as to say 100% unlikely Not going to happen.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Waiting around for a controlling and abusive person to change in order for your life to get better, in order for your kids' lives to get better, is a waste of your time.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Your life will change when you take action.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: You've got to stop waiting for your partner to take action.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: If they haven't taken it already, it's not going to happen.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Our life changes when we take action and pretending to be okay with a situation is not helpful.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: If this episode has raised any concerns for you, I do recommend that you make contact with 1800RESPECT if you're located within Australia, if you're contemplating separation from your partner and if your situation involves dynamics of control and other forms of abuse, I'd love to have a chat with you and let me just say right here as well that seeking help, reaching out for support, can be really challenging.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: It really can be, especially if you're someone who is used to having to manage your own emotions on your own, to work things out on your own, to be responsible for all the things and all the feelings.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And if you're listening to this right now, then I'm guessing that's you, that may have even been you in childhood and that can make seeking help and asking for help so difficult.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: It can mean that when you're feeling overwhelmed, perhaps your tendency is to actually isolate yourself instead of reaching out for support.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: And if you relate to what I'm saying here, you know I totally get it, because that was me, that was me for so many years of my journey and it kept me stuck for so long.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: And that's part of why I do the work that I do in supporting other women, because you know that connection, that safe connection with someone who actually gets what it is, that's going on and has got all kinds of practical tips and tools and resources to support you, it really is a game changer If you're wondering whether separation is right for you or not, if you're stuck on how to plan this, if you're stuck on how things are going to look for your kids after the fact or how things will be for you financially.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Again, let's have a chat.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Let's just have a talk about it.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: We are stronger and braver together, and I'm here if you need support.