Latest / QUESTION EVERYTHING / The Pressure to Be Everything: How Valeria Lipovetsky Created a Life That's Fully Her

Transcript

The Pressure to Be Everything: How Valeria Lipovetsky Created a Life That's Fully Her · QUESTION EVERYTHING

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: No one has all the answers, but when we ask
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: closer to each other, even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Danielle Robe, and each week, my guests and I come
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: together to challenge the status quo and our own ways
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not?
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: And who says? So? Come curious, dig deep, and join
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: the conversation. It's time to question everything. I have always
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: been a planner. When I went to meet Larry King
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: for breakfast for the first time, I went with fifteen
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: questions in my head and if I'm being honest written
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: down in my phone just in case I needed to
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: glance at them. So when Valeria Lipovetsky sat across from
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: me and said, let's throw away all of our prepped questions,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: this episode was going to be different. We both had
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: our prep but we threw out our cards. So this
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: conversation is different than our usual interview. But hey, I
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: figured it's summer. Who needs a roadmap? This one is unfiltered, unscripted,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: and we got to the real stuff quickly, ambition, motherhood, marriage,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: self worth. We saved all the sex talk for Part two,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: which is coming out next week, but I want to
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: give you a little bit of Valeria's backstory. She's one
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: of those rare people that is equally if not more
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: impressive in person as she is online. Valaria immigrated twice
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: before the age of ten, She modeled professionally as a teen,
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: and became a mother at twenty two, and somewhere along
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: the way, she built one of the single most impressive
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: content businesses I have ever seen, all the while doing
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: some deep inner work figuring out who she actually is.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: I have a debilitating fear of not like using every
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: single gift or a bit like anything that was given
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: to me.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: So how does Valeria one of the busiest content creators
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: in the business. Seriously, she works with over three hundred
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: brands a year and has a global audience of over
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: seven million followers across YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. Her
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: podcast Not Alone has garnered over five point five million streams,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: featuring guests like Miranda Kerr, Jessica Alba and I Got
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: to Be a guest last week. Valeria's authentic connection with
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: her audience shines through and everything she does. Whether she's
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: giving you an insightful fashion and beauty tip or talking
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: takes on innovative trends, or just glimpses into her life.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: There's always more to the video, and that's why I
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: love her. She's funny and deep.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: I don't want to be remembered as a stressed woman
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: or a tired woman, or you know, someone who's always
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: on the in a rush. I don't want to be
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: remembered like that. And it's also not me.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I have to tell you I like her so much,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: like we had so much fun together, and I really
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: value her opinions. We don't agree on everything, and maybe
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: that's part of what's fun, but I think she's smart
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: and well thought out and interesting and has so much
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: value to share with us. So today we talk about
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: what it means to manifest something before you're even ready
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: for it. We also get into therapy or the lack
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: of it, ambition, self trust, shame hangovers, what it means
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: to be self full versus selfish, and how to have
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: deeper conversations without totally draining yourself. This is part one
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: of a two part conversation. So next week we're going
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: to get more into motherhood, marriage, sex, especially married sex
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: because I had questions. Okay, So here's the question we're
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: circling today in part one of the conversation. What does
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: it take to build the life that's yours, Not the
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: one you were taught to want or the one that
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: looks good on paper or on Instagram, but one that
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: feels good to live inside of, and one you're really
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: excited about. It's time to question everything with Valeria Lipovetski.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Should we start from the beginning? You went through so
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: much in your early life. You immigrated twice, You left
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Russia with your mom when you were two, moved to Israel,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: then you eventually went to Canada. What did your mom
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: teach you about resilience?
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: It was more like modeling rather than teaching. She modeled
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: to me that anything is possible. Really like, there's going
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: to be a lot of shitty periods, but it all
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: works out at the end because I've seen it happen
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: over and over and over again. So I'm really kind
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: of in this space in my life where I'm so
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: big into if you can see it, then you believe.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: It has, like the visualization worked in your life in
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: the past. Is that why?
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: It's just my analytical brain? I feel like my virgal
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: brain is like, oh I see here, I can point
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: to it like it happens. It's true, you know, rather
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: than this like fluffy fairy kind of like visualization. It's
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: a tricky one for me because it took me a
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: long time to learn how to manifest properly. Do you manifest?
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: I think I've manifested most of my life but without
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: knowing it.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: But that's interesting because for me, I found it manifestation
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: like I was doing it wrong for a long time
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: because I would ask for things visualize them. But what
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: I didn't do is I didn't check with myself if
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I am ready to receive it. So you can ask
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: for things, but if you don't believe you deserve it,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: then coming for you.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Right, if you're not living at the place where you're
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: making decisions like that person.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: Right, your hands are open, you're like, okay, I'm asking
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: for it, like come, I'm ready. I wasn't ready for
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: a lot of the things I was manifesting.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: But sometimes I think that's the power because like if
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: you wait until you're ready, no one's ever ready, Like
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: it doesn't happen. You have to almost have that urgency
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: and then maybe it doesn't happen for three years or
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: five years or ten years, but like, I don't know,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: there's something about me that likes the rushing to get somewhere,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: and I think eventually I do.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: So, what is something you manifested that felt like so
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: far away that happened.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: To I definitely manifested a job at E I manifested
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine. I knew that that was going to be
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: the next place.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: Walk me through it. What does that manifestation process looked like?
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: I get these feelings and I just know that it
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: feels right. And so I was like, I loved what
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Reese Witherspoon was creating and the rest of the team
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: at Hello Sunshine. A lot of my career has been
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: female focused, and I was like, I want to work
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: at a female media company, and I align with so
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: many of these values. But Hello Sunshine was a film
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: and TV company. I'm not an actress. I was not
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: going to be in film and TV. And so I
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: sat with it for a little while and eventually I
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: put a deck together. I love to read, so I
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: put a deck together and pitch them a show about books,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: and they'd never created anything like it. They were super
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: sweet and like, listen to my whole pitch. It was
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: during COVID, it was virtual and my mom was in
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: LA that weekend and she was on the couch like sweating,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: nervous for me. And nothing ever happened with the show.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: But about a year and a half later, one of
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: the executives emailed me and said, you know, we're thinking
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: of starting a podcast. Will you meet with our podcast
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: exec And then six months later I was launching their
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: first podcast. And I think when you have those I
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: mean Oprah calls them whispers, but when you have them,
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: I think you owe it to the universe to follow that.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent. But you also knew that you can deliver,
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Like you pitch something that you knew that you can
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: truly do and do it really well.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: That's a really good point.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: This is what I'm saying. It's like, No, it took
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: me a while to kind of like process it and
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: be like, what am I doing wrong?
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: What's one that comes to your mind that I did
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: wrong or that you did right that came true? Like
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: did you manifest your career?
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Well, if I think about Little Valeria, one hundred percent,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I manifested it, like I think from the age of
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I would say fifteen to around nineteen. I was sitting
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: and I was like, I'm going to be a political journalist.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: Where did it come from? What inspired it? I have
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: no idea. I always loved to write, and I used
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: to have a lot of blogs growing up, anonymous blogs.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: But I was just like, I'm going to be a
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: political journalist. And I really knew that I somehow will
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: find myself in journalism one way or another, or like writing,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: but didn't even know, especially since I started moving and
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: immigrating to different countries, like how would it even look? Like?
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: I don't speak proper English, I don't have the grammar,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I don't know how to write something. Because I was
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: thinking about it when I was still living in Israel,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, okay, I can do it here and
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: now here I am, in one way or another doing journalism,
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: wild whirlinggud dresses. This is perfect. I manifested this.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: You did, and you manifested your version of it, the
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: version that fits you right.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: But back then I didn't know as much as I
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: know now. As you get older, we just know too much.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: Everything becomes harder to do. You see more challenges than opportunities.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: But back then at fifteen I was like, yeah, political journalist. Obviously.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of us know what we want
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: to do when we're like six years old, and then
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: the world sort of gets to us. But if you
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: think back at like who you were and what you
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: were doing book reports on and what you were interested in,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: were there any three lines for you?
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: I was always a big reader and I always loved storytelling, definitely,
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: so that was always something that was part of my life,
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: but also like playing roles. I shared with you how
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: one of my childhood friends reminded me the other day.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: She's like, do you remember when I asked you what
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: you want to be at when you were like nine
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: or ten years old? And my answer was like, oh
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: my god, I have so many options, Like I can
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: be a dancer or a writer or a lawyer. And
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: that is so magical because I agree with you, it's
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: all the possibility that you see when you're those ages.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: It's like we need to in a way write it
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: down so we can go back to that.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: But there's this through line of like authenticity, and I
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: know that word is so overused online. I have like
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a HIGHBS meter. I would call it.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Do you one hundred percent, and.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: So I don't have that with you, Like I'm like,
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: you are this person, You're the same person on an offline,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: like there's not a separation. But I'm curious if when
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: you started out creating content, if you felt that sort
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: of pressure to show up as a different person and act,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: and if the authenticity is something you grew into or
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: if you've always been this.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: I think that throughout my life, I played so many roles,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: like I was trying to be so many different things
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: in order for other people to approve of me or
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it was, maybe feel like valuable,
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: I don't know, but I remember it in relationships. I
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: remember it in friendships. I remember it at work. And
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: its interesting even with my line of work, Like I
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: was modeling from the age of fifteen to around twenty
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: two or so, and you show up on set, you're
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: playing canvas, and you're like, Okay, here's the role you're
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: playing today, And so I got so used to putting
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: all these masks that with social media it was interesting
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: because it started as like Okay, I'm gonna be I
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: guess something close to what I think I am, but
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: like I don't know what it is yet. But that's
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I think what really made me excited about it because
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: it was my vehicle to really find out who am
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: I because I'm at this age where I already had
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: two kids when I started social media, and I'm like,
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: I can't continue playing roles because now there are no
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: roles that are giving to me to play and I
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: got to like figure this out. So social media was
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: very much like a place of what is authenticity? How
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: do I show up as myself? But it was a little,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: you know, journey to figure it out because at first
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: it was like timid me and even watching videos now
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: from like twenty eighteen twenty nineteen, oh my god, I
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: just want to hug her. She's like so wiet and
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: like very uncertain, which is exactly where I was. And
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: it's beautiful to see obviously the evolution. You can see like, Okay,
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: she's searching for herself.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: When did it click though this year? No, it must
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: have clicked earlier because the videos wouldn't have caught on.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: But my audience grew with me, so a lot of
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: them saw themselves in me. You can tell that I'm
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: still trying to figure it out, and I'm talking about
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: me trying to figure it out, so it connected with
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: other people. So it's like that authenticity was not from
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: a place of like this is who I am. It's like,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: I don't know who I am, but I'm trying.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: You ever have shame hangovers though? When you share a lot?
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, especially with the podcast.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Do you on social media? Every time I post something
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: even slightly personal for three days, I want to crawl
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: in all and I'm not exaggerating. I'll call all of
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: my friends, my mother like was that embarrassing? Should I
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: take it down? Was it too much?
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: Why?
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I really like when the story is
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: about somebody else. I'm a trained journalist, it's not about me,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: and so as soon as it's about me, I want
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: to crawl into my own skin.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: Which is funny because I feel like with social media
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: it has to be about you in order to connect
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: with other people.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: The only videos that people have like really shared or
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: come up to me and said something about are the
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: videos where I'm real and I'm honest and I'm sharing
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: about myself. But I'm so nervous all the time to
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: do that.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: Why are you nervous? Look what judgment?
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, judgment? I think one of my childhood wounds. I've
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: always wanted to be taken seriously, and I felt like
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: my teachers didn't take me seriously, like I had a
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: big chest, and I felt like people at work didn't
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: take me seriously because I had big boobs.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: I remember for me at school, especially something that's always
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: been triggering me and haunting me. Honestly, all the teachers
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: used to say the potential is there, which is just.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Like, not were you not giving it? You're all no,
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: obviously not no.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: There was a lot of truth in what they were saying,
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: but it became this like haunting phrase. And maybe that's
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: why I'm doing so much because I'm like, there's so
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: much potential. I got to make sure I get it
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: all done. You know.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're always chasing that?
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I have debilitating fear of not using every single
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: gift or anything that was given to me. If I'm
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: not using it, I'm like, I'm scared. I don't know
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: what it is. Maybe because life is so short and
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: you're like, there's so much to learn and so much
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: to find out about myself.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: If I could armchair therapy you for a second, my guests,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: is you in some ways grew up quickly because of
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: your upbringing, and so you understood consequences or death or
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: grief or hard things in life more so than maybe
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: other people your age. And then moving a lot is
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: traumatic in itself when you're a young person, and I
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: feel like you understand time and that it could.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: End any second. But I also think growing up in
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: a country like Israel where tomorrow is not promised, I
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: think that's in general the way people live, and I've
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: always walk around with that. You know, there were so
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: many moments where I was like, this could be it,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: you know, going on a bus, like could be it.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Someone can blow up. I grew up with that feeling.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: So I think that that shaped a lot of that
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: and it's both obviously a blessing.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: And a curse.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: And I don't know, maybe it's also the effect of
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: social media. But I think to myself, I'm never going
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: to be this young again.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I think about that. I think about that with like
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: dating and love, because I'm like, if I do something
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: like I go for a weekend with a guide to
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: Saint Bart's, is it reckless? Maybe I should have been working.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I don't know, But like when I'm going to get
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: to do this again and feel this like love and
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: lust and dance and drink and like have fun.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: Absolutely always go to Saint Bart's. But yeah, for me,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: that's a phrase that's hunting me from my childhood. Do
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: you have one from school or teachers that just in
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: someway or another or even maybe for you? Right now,
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: it's this like aha moment, like, oh my god, it's
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: been in the back of my mind all these years.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: It's not being taken seriously. But I actually have like
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: such a weird moment because I interviewed somebody recently who
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: felt it in me, and after the interview they said,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: you can calm down like you did it. I hated it.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: I felt so naked, But I think they were right.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: I'm constantly chasing something. Do you feel like Gary's a
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: mirror for you?
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Definitely a mirror that sometimes I want to break. Enough
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: with the mirroring. But that's like a big blessing for
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: me because from the minute we met, he was like,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: your life is going to be your art. This is
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: before I got on social media or did anything at all.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: One of the first days that we had he was like,
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: your life will be your art. And now looking back,
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: It's something that I remembered literally a couple of years ago,
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: and I set him down. I'm like, do you remember
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: when you said that? And he's like, yeah, do you
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: understand what we've built? It's literally our art and our
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: business is my life. Like that's insane, But he from
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: the get go was so vocal about like, there's so
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: much potential and I won't let you waste it. So
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: the ability to have somebody that is so close to
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: you that you trust that is always like shaking you
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: and being like, hey, you're cutting corners or I know
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: that you can do more. It's really powerful for someone
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: like me because to me, that's what I need. Some
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: other people can look at it and be like this
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: is too much, this is demanding, But for me, that's
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: the kind of love I wanted.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Here's something I've always wondered with you guys, because your
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: life and your art and your work is Valeria's life.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: How do you maintain a mutual, two sided relationship. How
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: do you make sure that things are about Gary too?
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: Or does he not require a lot?
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: That's a great question, and I think that's something that
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to find a balance with. He doesn't require
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: a lot, but I also know that I can do better,
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, I'm naturally a selfish person.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: You keep saying that, but I actually don't think that
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: you are.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: To me, it's like it's a good thing. It's like
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: a metal Okay. Like for me, when I hear a
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: woman says that she's selfish, I applaud that because because
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: it's so not something women feel comfortable saying.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: But I don't think you make decisions. Correct me if
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: I'm wrong. I don't think you make decisions just based
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: on you, like you think about Gary, you think about
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: your kids, you think about your mom.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: Of course, yes, but a lot of the times I
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: noticed in my life that when I operate from a
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: place of like what will make me feel good, it
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: benefits everyone else. Everyone at the end are happy, you
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: know what I mean. It's the weirdest thing because I've
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: experimented with that because for a long time I felt
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: bad about it because I went to the other direction
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: than what I saw my mom was operating. She was selfless.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: There was no her in the equation. Everyone else came first,
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: and I hated that. So I went to a whole
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: other side. And then I was like this a little
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: bit wrong, but I have found that throughout my motherhood journey,
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: because we're naturally nurturers. It really benefited myself but also
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: my family. That makes sense, It makes a lot of sense.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: But I really want to go back to this armor
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: you're wearing. Listen. You're very good at what you do.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And I asked you prior to it. I mean, you
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: always knew that you want to be in journalism. You
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: said you wanted to be Barbara Walters. You were asking
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: all the questions. It's interesting to me that your goal
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: was always to be taking seriously. Is that also what
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: made you learn like ask questions armchair therapists.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: That's pretty good. I'd never thought about that. Maybe that's
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: part of it for sure. I think two things did One.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: I grew up in a very conversational family, and I
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: feel like lucky for that. I would go to friends'
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: houses for dinner sometimes and like the dinner table would
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: be sort of quiet, Like my dinner table was loud.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Everyone always had something to say, we were debating topics,
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Like I remember I had Sunday night dinners with my
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: grandparents always, and I would sit next to my grandfather
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: and at seven years old, he would be like, so,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: what do you think about President Bush? I wanted to
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: be able to have an answer because I respected him
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: so much, and so I'm grateful that they instilled that
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: in me. I think when you ask kids questions, it
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: gives them confidence. And then I learned when I got older,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: because I was naturally curious and asking questions. But something
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: happened to me that really changed my perspective. I got
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: a dream job that ended up not being a dream job,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: and I quit and I was depressed because I loved
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: what I did so much. I just didn't like doing
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: it there.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: Why was the dream job? How old were you?
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: I was twenty four, twenty five maybe twenty five. It
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: was at an entertainment outlet, and I was like one
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: of the youngest people they had hired. And it was
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: the big moment.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: Like huge validation to what you wanted to be exactly,
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: and I felt like, this is why I moved to
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: LA and this was worth the sacrifice.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: I would break out into hives. I would like cry
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: in the bathroom at lunch. I just hated it. And
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: my mom said to me, just quit, and I was like,
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: I have no money, I can't quit, and She was like,
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: if you got hit by a bus tomorrow, wouldn't you
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: be so pissed that you were in that dingy office
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: in Burbank, Like, just quit, you'll figure it out. And
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I was like, you're right. So I quit, and I
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: decided to take myself to grad school because I had
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: all this time, and I was like, Okay, I'm gonna
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: watch hundreds of hours of interviewers that are doing at best,
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: like Larry King and Robin Roberts and Bob Costas and
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: Charlie Rose, like all the greats. And I would take
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: notes and I'd write down questions they asked and how
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: they move their hands and how they transitioned and how
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: they made people cry. And I had a list of
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: like a thousand questions. And I looked at that list
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: one day, and this was pre therapy, and I looked
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: at that list of questions and I was like, I
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: asked people questions for a living. I think about questions
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: all day, and I've never asked myself one, not one.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: And so I thought, you know what, maybe I'll try
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: and I'll do five a day. And I asked myself
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: like five questions, And after months, I got through the
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: list and I was a different person. Like I was
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: walking through the world more confident in myself because I
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: knew myself better. I had more to say, more to share.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: But also, asking great questions is literally about practice. And
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I know no one wants to hear that because everything
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: in life is about practice, but that's all it is.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: And I was like people were like magnets to me,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: strangers when I would ask questions, they were drawn to me,
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: even my own parents, who know me better than anyone else.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: I would ask them questions more and I felt like
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: they wanted to call me more and like we were
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: having better conversations. And I was like, Oh, this is
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: a superpower, Like everyone can tap into this. I'm not
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: going to play in the WNBA. I'm five to one,
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Like that's not my superpower, but like everyone can ask
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: great questions. And I was like, Oh, this is a thing.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: So you didn't realize that it was a superpower until then,
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: which is crazy because you were already on the path.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: I mean, you were interviewing, you were doing all the
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: things you think you did it differently before you did
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: this exercise.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I saw people before I was just asking questions out
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: of curiosity. I wasn't feeling who they were or seeing them.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: And because I'd asked myself questions, I started to feel
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: different emotions and I could recognize them and other people.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: I understood people more. I always say like, the people
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: that have been through the most have the most to give.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: And it's not to valorize hardship in any way, but
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I do think that people that have been through so
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: much feel such a broad range of things that they
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: can connect to others in a different way. And I
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: hadn't had hard things happen yet. I had it later,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: But the asking questions was the starting point of seeing people.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: That's so powerful. Not until I started doing the podcast
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: did I started to get curious about the art of
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: conversation because you never really think about it. You don't
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: think about practicing it. You're just like, this is it?
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: And remember when I picked up this.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Well, how to Know a Person David Brooks.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: Yes, when he broke down the whole concept of really
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: having a conversation and seeing people and asking questions, it
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: was like all of a sudden, the podcast, in these
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: conversations became like a whole new world to me. It
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: was like so exciting. There were so many elements within it,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: but I didn't realize how many of them I did
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: wrong before I read that book.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: There's no wrong, I don't think.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know about you. But when I
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: started the podcast, what hit me the most was that
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: I thought that I was a really good listener, but
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: I was listening to answer and to participate also because
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: you know, to show that I know what I'm talking
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: about and I'm really smart and we're on the same level.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: And I didn't want to have any moments where I'm
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: just taking a breath or I'm thinking about something like
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: that really scared me because to me, I think I
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: looked at conversations like we're playing ball, and anything that
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: wasn't as fast something is broken. So the podcast really
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: taught me the art of like active listening.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're having different types of conversations
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: in your own life now because you've practiced it in
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: this way?
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Yes and no. Yes, because I know now what kind
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: of conversation can be held. But no, because I choose
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: not to have them because it's very draining. Is it
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: not draining for you to like have these big conversations
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: all the time.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: It is so draining for me to be at a party.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: I don't like crowds. I was so tired before I
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: got here because I was up at five, And this
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: will fill me up, like I'll be able to go
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: work the rest of the night because I love this.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: But with a lot of people, it's just drained.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: What do you do? How do you small talk?
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Before we started recording, Valeria asked me about a dinner
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: that I had thrown for the card game Shock Callers
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: that I created, and I was telling her that one
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: of my goals was to be able to throw dinners
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: or small intimate gatherings because when I moved to La,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: I didn't know a single person and I didn't have
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: any money, Like you can't go anywhere when you don't
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: have any money. I felt like I was missing out
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: by not being in the room. No one ever invited
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: me anywhere, and I always felt like I had to
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: claw my way in. And now that I'm invited into
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: some rooms, it sounds corny, but like I always think
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: to myself, who's not here that could like gain something
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: from this experience and add value to the room. And
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: there's so many amazing people who didn't get the invite.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: I have a thing from growing up. I don't like
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: when anyone is left out, and so I just want
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: to create rooms where women in particular can meet each
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: other and do business, because I think that's like what
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: happens with men. They just do it at dinners or
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: at golf courses or whatever. I think sometimes people look
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: at women's activities as silly. You know, when you go
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: to a lunch, it could look like you're going there
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: for an Instagram photo or just to be seen, But
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: a lot is happening at that lunch. You're meeting new people,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: you're talking business, you're learning tips from other women and
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: that are doing what you're doing.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: It's actually very very powerful. You're so right. I think
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: we're minimizing a lot of what's happening in those circles,
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: in those environments.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Aside from friendships, which is really powerful in itself. Have
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: you ever had business opportunities come from those things?
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent? But you know what, aside from business opportunities,
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: it's just so maybe now because I can see people
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: and I can have conversations, like real conversations, I learned
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: so much from just the way people talk about their
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: lives and their work. And you pick up so many
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: things because now you know how to pick it up.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: People must ask you all the time about how you're
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: doing what you do, Yes, all the time, because you've
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: created something that I'm not sure any other influencer has.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: It's a machine. And I say that with so much respect.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: Thank you. I love machines. Yeah, I do get asked
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: that all the time. That's so interesting that you're saying it.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: I find that people ask me that question and then
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: they say, it must be so tiring, you must be
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: like so busy. And for the longest time, I was like, yeah,
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: it's a lot, you know, with the kids and this
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: like it was like an autopilot. I don't know what
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: it is. And then this week I caught myself. I
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: was about to say like, yeah, it's been so big,
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, what the hell am I doing. I'm like, yes,
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: I work hard, but I rest hard, like I know
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: how to rest, you know, Like, I don't want to
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: be remembered as like a stress woman or a tired woman,
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: or you know, someone who's always in a rush, Like
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: I don't want to be remembered like that. And it's
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: also not me. So this is another like you speak
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: of authenticity. I feel like throughout life, if you pay
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: attention and you're like connected to yourself, you kind of
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: start seeing It's like that's not really in line with
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: how I really feel or who I am. It's just
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: something that I just got so used to oh hearing
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: or like saying, and you're kind of like signaling, you know,
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: someone signaling to you, and then you're signaling it back,
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: but it's not the truth. So like, I'm going to
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: be that annoying per that next time someone's like, oh,
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: how are you must be so busily Like no, I'm
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: like living my purpose my life. That's going to be
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: the end of the conversation because I feel like people
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: need to connect on that, especially women.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: Do you take advice from people?
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: Well, well, I've made a decision that I don't want
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: to hear people's opinion. But that's a decision I made
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: earlier this year. Before that I would get everybody's opinion
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: on different things.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: Give me an example, like let's.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: Say with a project that I'm doing. You know, it's
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: something that let's say I'm working on or the podcast.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: When I was working on it, I would ask so
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: many different people and even people that didn't necessarily like
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: they don't know, they're not doing it themselves. How would
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: they be able to advise me? Or friends that I
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: love dearly and they know me in a certain capacity,
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: but not in that type of capacity. So I was
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: just like looking for validation or some kind of I
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: don't know what. I wasn't connecting with my own intuition,
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: which I always know what I need to do. What
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: about you?
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: I used to do that too. I have to credit
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: therapy for getting me out of that.
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: I know, no, I'm doing this because I haven't done
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: therapy yet, but you know so many things.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: How do you know it without therapy? I have this cheap,
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: cheap It's because you've been through a lot. You lived
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: a lot of light.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: But I also left home so early that I had
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: so much time with myself that I've learned so much
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: about myself.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: You ask yourself questions.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Yes. And for the longest time, whenever I was like,
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: maybe it's time for therapy, intuitively, I'm like, no, I
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: have all the tools that I need in order to
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: understand how to navigate it. Until recently, recently I'm like,
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: I think it's time to get therapy. Why Because I
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: think that I've reached a certain point where I know,
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: like I can't get myself any further. Now I need
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: an outsider. So now I'm going to be speed dating therapists.
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: That's what you have to do because you have to
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: really like your therapist, like you can't dread talking to them.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I've been kind of testing it out with Chagipt.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: We started talking and I'm just like, I don't need
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: you to validate me. I need you to be honest.
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: And how do I ask the therapist to do therapy
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: without like the cliche.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: Like placating you. Yeah, there are therapists that tell you
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: the truth.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: Where do I find them?
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: I do something called geshtalt therapy, And so there's like
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: CBT like cognitive behavioral therapy that I think is when
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: you like go back in time a little bit more,
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: you dissect your behavior via childhood gestalt. It means like
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: you're always in relationship to something, like you're in relationship
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: to the tree. You're always in relationship. And so it's
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: very much talk therapy, which works for me. But you
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: may need like a half life coach half therapist.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: I definitely don't want a life coach. But again, you
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: see I have preconceived notions. It's not even fair what
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: I'm doing right now because I don't know. So I
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: had this incident. I had my first ever panic attack
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: last year. I never experienced it before, and I tried
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: hypnotherapy and I really liked it. And I think that
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: the kind of therapy that I need because I'm somebody
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: that it's very easy for me to use my head
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: and like intellectualize everything, like I can ask questions. And
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: maybe that's where I've been able to get to where
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: I am because I know how to dive deep and
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: ask the questions. But what I need now is something
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: that will move me away from here because I can
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: rationalize anything and everything.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Are you intellectualizing your feelings?
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: I intellectualize everything, Yeah.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: But that means you're not actually feeling the feelings.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: No shit, I know.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: So you do need a therapist, right it.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: But I wonder if it's more of like an experience
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: that's more like body focused rather than here.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: That's cool, So matic therapists could be really cool.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: I have a question, So how long have you been
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: doing therapy for on and off for like six years?
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: So what made you decide to go to therapy?
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: So I was dating somebody who was very different than me.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: I'm Jewish, he was Muslim, he was Persian, and I
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: really loved him, but we had a lot of fundamental differences.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: And so about a year in, maybe even less, which
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: is crazy, we were like, let's go to therapy and
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: see if we can talk some of these out. And
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: we went twice and he was like, I'm done with this.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: We ended up breaking up, but I loved it, and
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I think the couple's therapist recognized that I was not
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: being my full self in that relationship. My voice was squandered,
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: which is my fault, you know, and so I continued
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: on with her. The coolest part for me was that
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: it almost had nothing to do with my personal life
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: at that point. Because I care so much about my career.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: I used to feel frustrated at work. I'd feel frustrated
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: by conflict, by emails, like annoying emails people would send
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: me I didn't know how to reply, or like I
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: would get into a situation with my where I had
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: to communicate something really difficult and stand up for myself
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: and I wasn't used to it, and therapy helped give
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: me the tools to be able to navigate all of it,
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: and I didn't have any stress anymore. Like I was like, oh, yeah,
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: I can handle this. I know how to use my words,
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: I know what to say, I know what makes me
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: feel good. And then it started trickling into my personal life,
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: and my relationship with my parents got better, my mom
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: in particular, you know, like I think everything got better.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: And then I started attracting different men too, which was great.
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: And what wait, like, how did this new man look like?
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: I think I required somebody who was willing to have
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: hard conversations with me, because there was no way I
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: couldn't have them anymore. I think once you go deep,
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: like you can't sit at the surface any longer. Do
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: you feel that because you seem like you had that
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: with Gary early on?
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: Yes, I was also so young, so I don't know
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: if I required those kind of conversations. We're definitely talking
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: about a lot of things. I think with the years,
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: I mean, we've been together for twelve years, we kind
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: of reach new depths. But it's because I also changed
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: and I wanted to have different kind of conversation. But
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: initially it's like the feeling that my partner can have
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: those and create a space to have those. I think
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: that's definitely something that was important that I saw right away.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: I've always wanted to create a card deck of questions
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: to ask someone before you get married.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: I was literally about to tell you that you should
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: have a deck. First of all, it should be like
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: the first ten dates, and then a deck before getting married.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: Here's a question we never asked because it's weird to ask,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: but what do you envision your retirement to look like?
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: What your third act? Because people have very different ideas.
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: And what if one of you wants to be picketing
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: on the hill in Washington, d c. And the other
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: one wants to be on an island fishing barefoot. You
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: should know that about each other.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: What's another good question I heard that people ask them
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: like the first day, if you want like ten million
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: dollars today, what would you do with that money? Because
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: it also shows you like what that person values?
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Interesting?
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: What would you say, Oh, I don't know, I feel
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: like on a first date, it's different.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: What would you say now?
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: Nothing?
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: Actually you just put it in the bank, convest it.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I wouldn't want to upgrade anything. I don't
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: need any more than what I have. What would you
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: do with that million dollars?
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: You're gonna be like, you're so annoying. I can't even
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: tell you.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: No if you're gonna be like I'm gonna build a
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: norphanage and no, my god, I gat with you for real. No.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: I have this crazy dream that I hope I get
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: married one day. And I have a dream that my
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: wedding is a service trip. Wait, I actually love that
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: because I think weddings no offense to anybody who wants
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: a big wedding, because that's great for you. But for me,
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: I've never dreamed of this big moment. It kind of
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable. I feel like a lot of things
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: in my life are about me, Like I don't need
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: that moment. And so I'm like, what a cool opportunity
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: to get all the people you love together to do
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: this like amazing experience like habitat for humanity, like all
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: build a house somewhere and then you get married at
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: the end of it, and it's like, this is what
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: your love did.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: But bib, how long is this wedding?
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: Oh? So you can't like invite people to come. Worse,
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: it's not nice. And my older relatives are like I
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: can't come.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: Don't you love this whole? Like, I love that for you.
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: That's my favorite thing these days.
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: So a friend of mine is a comedian and some
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: guy DMed me the other day and he was like,
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: so proud of you, okay, and I was like, that's
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: so nice, thank you. And my friend who's a comedian,
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: was like, that's a line. I was like what and
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: he goes, yeah, it's a really good line A guy
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: uses and I go, well, what is the female equivalent?
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: And he goes, I love that for you. I was like, okay,
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: I guess I thought it was a nice line.
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: I thought so too. Wait, I want to know how
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: you're navigating dating because you're so smart. I feel like
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: it's hard to do when you're so smart.
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: I think you're giving me way too much credit.
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: No, but like, first of all, you know how to converse,
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: and you ask questions and you're like, okay, now I
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: need dep and you make my like you don't need
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: anyone or anything. I don't know how you date with
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: these conditions.
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: That's hilarious. To be fair, I don't go out on
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: a lot of dates, but I feel lucky like I've
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: met really interesting people like smart, ambitious, emotionally in tune, curious.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I just haven't met the one for me, you know,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: like how there could be like a great guy, he's
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: just not your guy.
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: But do you ever question yourself?
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Every day? What if I'm missing what's right in
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: front of me because I'm messed up?
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: Right? Or maybe you're looking into deeply into certain things
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: and maybe not as important in the long run.
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: Well, you've been married for twelve years and you really
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: seem like you have a beautiful relationship. So like, what
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: did you think was important that isn't or vice versa.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: I can't answer that question because I wasn't out there
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: in the wild, Like I don't know, you know what
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know what it's like, especially these days.
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: Have you ever been like, what would it be like
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: to be out in the wild?
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: No? I would one hundred percent die alone. You know
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: what's my favorite person to reference? Jane? Have you seen
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: the documentary The Best? Okay? So I absolutely love how
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: she lived a different version of herself with every relationship
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: and man that she was with, and then in her
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: seventies she's like, I'm done and now I'm going to
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: do what I want to do, which is just hang
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: out with my girlfriends and not have a man.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: So part of me thinks that that's awesome, and I
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: love that for her.
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: We're proud of her.
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: I'm proud of her for that truly, because that was
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: her life's journey from her childhood. But there was this
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: great story my therapist actually told me years ago about
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: this woman who was in New York, got divorced and
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: decided to kind of eat prey love, but in her
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: own way. She went to India, went to an ashram.
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: She was supposed to stay for three weeks and she
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: ended up staying for ten years. She didn't have kids,
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: and she just like loved her life in this ostrom
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: and she was learning and growing and evolving. And she
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: went to I don't know what it's called, like the
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: Buddha Master whoever like the guy was, and she said,
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: I think I'm ready to leave. And he said, I've
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: been waiting for you to say this. How did you
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: come to this decision? And she said, I think I've
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: done enough healing on my own. In order to get
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: to the next level, I need another person. I need
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: the relationship to be the mirror I have to say,
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: aside from therapy, my greatest growth has come from being
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: in romantic partnership, because when you love someone so much,
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: you're willing to show up and like be the worst
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: of you and let someone see you yes, and work
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: things through because you care about the relationship. So maybe
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: she had done enough of that.
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: Or not enough.
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: No really, maybe.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: Jane Fond that you're listening fish and ghosting therapy.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: When anybody says, like, what do you want to be
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: when you grow up? I'm like, Jane Fonda.
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: Absolutely no. Don't get me wrong. She hasn't figured out.
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: We're just dissecting.
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: We're joking. Okay, you know what time it is. Today's
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: a good day. To have a good day. I'll see
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: you next week.