Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Have Too Many Options
Transcript
- Lucas: So Luna, I want to start with a scenario that I think is actually harder than having no mentors at all. Luna: Oh, I'm intrigued. Harder than no mentors? What could that be? Lucas: Having too many potential mentors. You know, you go to a networking event, you connect with a dozen senior people on LinkedIn, everyone seems willing to help, and suddenly you're paralyzed. Who do you actually ask? What do you ask for? Luna: I can definitely relate to that. It's like decision fatigue before you've even started. Lucas: Exactly. And if today's episode helps you cut through that noise, here's the thing: these conversations stay ad-free because listeners support the show. If you got value, any contribution at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo keeps us going. No pressure, just the reality of how independent podcasts survive. Luna: Yeah, and it's a small way to say 'this mattered to me.' We really appreciate that. Lucas: Alright, so let's dive into the paradox of choice in mentoring. There's actually a famous study by psychologist Barry Schwartz — he wrote a book called 'The Paradox of Choice.' He showed that when consumers face too many options, they're less likely to choose at all, and if they do choose, they're less satisfied. Same thing happens with mentors. Luna: Right, because you're afraid of picking the wrong person or offending someone you don't choose. Lucas: Exactly. So I want to walk through a real case. A few months ago, I spoke with a marketing director named Priya. She's in her early forties, works at a mid-sized tech company, and she realized she needed a mentor to navigate a potential move into a VP role. She did everything right — she identified 12 senior leaders in her network and beyond, all people she admired. But then she froze. Luna: Twelve is a lot. I can see how that becomes overwhelming fast. Lucas: She told me she spent two weeks just staring at her spreadsheet. She had columns for their title, their industry, their communication style, how well she knew them. Analysis paralysis. So I gave her a simple framework that I think works for anyone. Luna: What was the framework? Lucas: First, you have to be brutally honest about what you actually need right now — not in general. Priya's big question was: 'How do I build a presence at the executive level that gets me noticed for VP roles?' That's a specific need. So I told her to rank her 12 people against three criteria: relevance to that need, accessibility, and willingness to challenge her. Luna: So not just who's most senior or who has the fanciest title. Lucas: Right. Relevance is obvious — does this person actually have experience with the VP track in a similar company? Accessibility is practical: will they actually respond to an email? Are they in a similar time zone? Do they have a reputation for being generous with their time? And willingness to challenge is the one most people skip. Luna: What do you mean by challenge? Lucas: You don't want a mentor who just agrees with you. You want someone who will say, 'Your presentation style is too cautious for the C-suite' or 'You're not visible enough to your CEO's peers.' Priya had one person on her list — a former boss named David — who she knew would be direct. But she was intimidated by him. So she put him at the bottom. Luna: Classic. We gravitate toward the safe option. Lucas: Exactly. So I told her to flip that. Score each person from 1 to 5 on those three criteria. Then add up the scores. Her top three turned out to be David, a woman from a different industry who had made a similar leap, and a peer who was a few years ahead of her. She reached out to all three, but with a very specific ask for each. Luna: What was the ask? That's often where people stumble. Lucas: She didn't say, 'Will you be my mentor?' That's too vague. Instead, she said, 'I'm preparing for a VP role and I'd love your take on one specific thing: how did you build your executive presence when you moved up? Could we do a 20-minute call?' For David, she said, 'You once told me my presentations lacked edge. Can you help me workshop a specific deck for an upcoming board meeting?' Luna: So she turned it into a concrete project, not an open-ended relationship. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the key. When you have too many options, the way to narrow down is to define the task first, then find the person best suited for that task. Not the other way around. Luna: I love that. So the mentor becomes a solution to a specific problem, not a general life coach. Lucas: Right. And once you've had that initial interaction, you can decide if it's worth deepening. Priya ended up having a great call with David. He gave her three concrete changes to make in her next presentation. She implemented them, got positive feedback from her CEO, and now they have a monthly check-in. She never formally asked him to be her mentor — it just evolved. Luna: So the relationship grew organically from a targeted ask. That's much less pressure for both sides. Lucas: Exactly. And the other two? One never responded, and the other said yes but then cancelled twice. So her initial ranking was right — David was the one who delivered. But she wouldn't have known that if she hadn't reached out to all three. Luna: So there's also a numbers game element: you have to be willing to get some no's. Lucas: Absolutely. I tell people to start with three to five outreach attempts. Expect maybe one or two to turn into something real. That's fine. You don't need a dozen mentors. You need one good one. Luna: And that's where the paradox of choice falls apart — you realize quality over quantity. Lucas: Exactly. Now, there's another layer to this that I think is worth touching on: the difference between a mentor and a sponsor. A mentor gives you advice. A sponsor puts their reputation on the line to get you a promotion or a key assignment. If you have too many mentors but no sponsors, you might be getting great advice but not seeing career movement. Luna: That's a crucial distinction. So when you're evaluating your list of potential mentors, you should also ask: who here has the power to actually open doors for me? Lucas: Right. And that's a different criterion. For Priya, David was both a mentor and a potential sponsor because he was a senior VP who could advocate for her. But some of her other 12 were peers or people in different industries who could give good advice but couldn't directly affect her career trajectory. She needed both, but she needed to know which was which. Luna: So how do you ask someone to be a sponsor? That feels even more intimidating than asking for mentorship. Lucas: It is, but the approach is similar. You don't say, 'Will you sponsor me?' Instead, you say, 'I'm interested in the VP role, and I'd value your perspective on what it takes. If you see an opportunity where I could add value, I'd love to be considered.' That's a low-pressure way of opening the door. And then you deliver. You perform. You make them look good for having backed you. Luna: So it's about earning the sponsorship, not requesting it. Lucas: Exactly. And that's why the paradox of choice is actually a blessing in disguise — it forces you to be strategic. When you have too many options, you can't just ask everyone. You have to prioritize. And that prioritization is itself a valuable career exercise. Luna: I want to circle back to something you said earlier about the one-question framework. Can you give us a quick recap? Lucas: Sure. The one-question framework is: 'What is the single most important thing I need help with right now?' Answer that first. Then look at your list of potential mentors and ask: 'Who is best positioned to help me with that specific thing?' That's your starting point. Everything else is secondary. Luna: That's so simple but so easy to skip. We tend to think about mentors in terms of their status or their network, not in terms of our actual needs. Lucas: Right. And once you have that focus, the outreach becomes much easier. You're not asking for a relationship. You're asking for help with one thing. That's a much easier ask for both parties. Luna: So for our listeners who are currently staring at a list of potential mentors, what's the first step they should take today? Lucas: Write down that one thing. Be specific. Not 'career advice' but 'how to negotiate a promotion I'm about to be offered' or 'how to transition from operations to strategy.' Then pick three people from your list who have relevant experience and a style you can learn from. Reach out with a concrete ask — 15 to 20 minutes, a specific question, a clear outcome. And then see what happens. Luna: And if you get no's or silence, that's data. It helps you refine your list. Lucas: Exactly. And if you get a yes, you've started a relationship that might evolve into something much bigger. But you have to take that first step. The paradox of choice only paralyzes you if you let it. If you use it as a forcing function to get clear on what you need, it's actually a gift. Luna: Alright, I'm going to do that exercise myself this week. I have a few people I've been meaning to reach out to but haven't because I wasn't sure what to ask. Lucas: Perfect. And if you end up with a great mentoring relationship because of it, let us know. We love hearing those stories. For now, that's all we have on the paradox of choice in mentoring. Next time, we'll tackle another angle — maybe how to be a good mentee once you've found that person. Luna: I'll be there. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. And thanks to all of you for listening.