Latest / The Breakfast Club / Nedra Glover Tawwab On Managing Unhealthy Relationships, Cycle Breakers, Fostering Your Kids + More

Transcript

Nedra Glover Tawwab On Managing Unhealthy Relationships, Cycle Breakers, Fostering Your Kids + More · The Breakfast Club

0:00
Speaker 1: Borning. Everybody's dj n V. Charlomagne the guy. We are
0:03
Speaker 1: the breakfast Club. We got a special guest in the building.
0:06
Speaker 1: She's back Nature Glover to Ave Welcome. Hey, how are you?
0:12
Speaker 1: First of all, I am well, I'm excited. Okay, new
0:15
Speaker 1: book coming out, Drama Free of Drama, Managing unhealthy family relationships.
0:20
Speaker 1: You have no idea how on time this book is.
0:23
Speaker 1: What does the title mean? Ah? What doesn't it mean?
0:26
Speaker 1: What is an unhealthy relationship? It's anything that is problematic
0:31
Speaker 1: and persistent. You know, It's not just childhood trauma. It's
0:34
Speaker 1: also issues with in laws and lended families and some
0:38
Speaker 1: of these cousins and all sorts of things. So what
0:41
Speaker 1: made you write this book? Do you have some yes,
0:43
Speaker 1: some problems in your family that you had to sort out? Ah? Well,
0:46
Speaker 1: you know, I'm a therapist, so I help people with problems,
0:48
Speaker 1: and I think we all to some degree have something.
0:51
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be a big thing. It could
0:53
Speaker 1: be a misunderstanding, but we need the tools. You know
0:56
Speaker 1: what I thought about this week and I didn't even
0:57
Speaker 1: tell Charlomagne it because it came to me when I
0:59
Speaker 1: was Addy asked me a question when I was going
1:02
Speaker 1: through problems in my relationship with my wife. I was
1:05
Speaker 1: talking to my daughter at the time, she must have
1:06
Speaker 1: been about sixteen, and I had cheated and I told
1:09
Speaker 1: my daughter, and my daughter said, well, Dad, who told
1:13
Speaker 1: on you? And at first I thought it was the
1:15
Speaker 1: funniest thing, my daughter riding for me. And then I
1:18
Speaker 1: thought about it, Am I setting a precedent where she
1:20
Speaker 1: feels like it's okay, Like who told on you? Wasn't
1:23
Speaker 1: like Dane about getting caught right, yeah, and and and
1:27
Speaker 1: it affected me this weekend, and it hurt me. I
1:29
Speaker 1: never thought about it, and I thought about it this weekend,
1:31
Speaker 1: and I was like, damn, am I setting a precedent
1:32
Speaker 1: where she feels like it's okay, where somebody's supposed to forgive,
1:36
Speaker 1: like this is just what men do. And it really
1:38
Speaker 1: bothered me. Like I cried this weekend because I was like, damn,
1:40
Speaker 1: I did that. But at first I was like, Yeah,
1:43
Speaker 1: that's my daughter, she's my ride to die, that's my
1:44
Speaker 1: best friend. That's what we do. But then I was like, nah,
1:46
Speaker 1: that's look a little light on this side because we
1:48
Speaker 1: cried and it wiped it away a little bit. Okay,
1:51
Speaker 1: I don't laugh at him. Name. So, so did you
1:54
Speaker 1: go back and talk to your daughter and talk to
1:56
Speaker 1: her about the moment you have with yourself? No, not yet.
1:59
Speaker 1: She she's twenty one now, so she's a lot older
2:01
Speaker 1: now and she understands a lot better. But you know,
2:03
Speaker 1: when she was going through her teen years and she
2:04
Speaker 1: was dating, I was I didn't think about it, But
2:07
Speaker 1: then I said, I could have set her up for destruction.
2:09
Speaker 1: I could have set her up for going down the
2:10
Speaker 1: wrong route because of the way I handled it, and
2:13
Speaker 1: you know, it was a problem. Yeah, we have to
2:15
Speaker 1: stop this forgiving and forgetting culture. It's not healthy for
2:19
Speaker 1: us because what I found is we're not forgetting and
2:21
Speaker 1: we're not really forgiving. We are very upset and passive
2:25
Speaker 1: aggressive in these relationships with people, and so there does
2:28
Speaker 1: have to be wrong for them harming us and we're
2:32
Speaker 1: still bothered. Yeah, what I love about this new book
2:36
Speaker 1: is the you know, the fact that you're telling us
2:38
Speaker 1: to set boundaries for you know, unhealthy families because you know,
2:41
Speaker 1: people think just because they're your family, you owe them something.
2:45
Speaker 1: You're obligated to answer their phone calls or a ghost
2:48
Speaker 1: see them. I totally disagree with that concept. So so
2:53
Speaker 1: why why our boundaries always such a focal point for
2:56
Speaker 1: your books, because I think it is a folk point
3:00
Speaker 1: for relationships. We have to create new expectations and with family,
3:06
Speaker 1: we do give a lot of passes. It's like, well,
3:08
Speaker 1: this is so and so so they should always answer
3:11
Speaker 1: the phone when I call. Well, that person has a
3:14
Speaker 1: job and the thing that they're doing right now is
3:17
Speaker 1: more important than hearing about your court show or whatever
3:21
Speaker 1: that is. You know. I think sometimes we have to
3:24
Speaker 1: set a new standard within families, especially with a level
3:28
Speaker 1: of awareness we have now. I think this is now
3:32
Speaker 1: the time when people are more aware of Oh, I
3:35
Speaker 1: don't have to call them back, I don't have to
3:37
Speaker 1: visit them. We are woke and we are aware of
3:41
Speaker 1: where we want to be and where we don't want
3:43
Speaker 1: to be. Isn't that a bad thing? You know, because
3:46
Speaker 1: it's your family should be your village, right, that should
3:48
Speaker 1: be the people that you you know, lending an near
3:51
Speaker 1: to or fall back on when things happen. And I
3:53
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of times we're getting away from that,
3:55
Speaker 1: We're getting away from the black family learning the black family, right.
3:59
Speaker 1: Like you know, my grandfather would tell me about my
4:02
Speaker 1: great grandfather and would tell me about my aunt, and
4:04
Speaker 1: it was just so many different things that told us
4:06
Speaker 1: our history. I feel like with that mentality that I've
4:09
Speaker 1: seen a lot of people having, I'm feeling like we're
4:12
Speaker 1: losing that a little bit, Like I ain't calling that
4:13
Speaker 1: person back, I'm not close to that person, but we're
4:15
Speaker 1: losing that lineage, that line to tell us where we
4:19
Speaker 1: came from and how it was. You don't think I
4:22
Speaker 1: would challenge that. I think when there's someone I want
4:24
Speaker 1: to talk to, I call them back. I think in
4:28
Speaker 1: families we have to think about not just being related,
4:31
Speaker 1: but also relationship. And sometimes we are not calling people
4:37
Speaker 1: back or we're not wanting to visit them because of
4:40
Speaker 1: the lack of relationship and we're focused on, oh my gosh,
4:45
Speaker 1: this is my blood. Well, we still have to have
4:47
Speaker 1: something in common that we still have to have respect
4:50
Speaker 1: for each other. We still have to be able to disagree.
4:53
Speaker 1: So there are so many other factors. So I think
4:56
Speaker 1: it's actually a calling to be a better person in
4:59
Speaker 1: you relationships with your family members, to figure out, huh,
5:03
Speaker 1: why might they not be calling me back, why don't
5:06
Speaker 1: they want to visit, Why are they leaning more towards
5:08
Speaker 1: these other things? It could be you know, something that
5:11
Speaker 1: people need to address and not just say, oh, this
5:13
Speaker 1: generation don't want to talk to anyone. Well, it's for
5:16
Speaker 1: a reason, because we all like to talk and we
5:18
Speaker 1: all like to be heard. So if someone isn't talking
5:20
Speaker 1: to you, why how can you tell the difference between
5:24
Speaker 1: like family dysfunction And that's just how we've always been. Well,
5:28
Speaker 1: the norm can be normal for you and can still
5:32
Speaker 1: be unhealthy. There are a lot of things that I hear,
5:35
Speaker 1: you know, oh, we used to get beat or oh
5:37
Speaker 1: you know, this is how my mom would talk to me,
5:39
Speaker 1: and it's like, well, cussing you out. It can be
5:42
Speaker 1: the norm in your family, but it's not healthy. And
5:45
Speaker 1: so some of those things we have to think about
5:48
Speaker 1: in general. Is this behavior that should be tolerated by anyone?
5:53
Speaker 1: Is this behavior that I would except from a friend.
5:56
Speaker 1: Is this behavior that I would see, you know, as
5:59
Speaker 1: suitable from a partner, And we're not thinking about that.
6:02
Speaker 1: Sometimes with family, we're giving a lot of passes and
6:04
Speaker 1: we're saying, oh, my gosh, but this is well, you
6:07
Speaker 1: still deserve to be treated a certain way. So, you know,
6:11
Speaker 1: I think with family, we have to learn to exist
6:15
Speaker 1: in those systems in a healthier way. What's the biggest
6:19
Speaker 1: misconception you see when it comes to family. Some things
6:21
Speaker 1: that people seem like they always go through or they
6:24
Speaker 1: thought was a problem that we got to love people everyone.
6:27
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you have to like people. There you go.
6:30
Speaker 1: I love a lot of people that I don't speak
6:34
Speaker 1: too often, or that I may not like all of
6:37
Speaker 1: their ways. But you know, I think loving and liking
6:41
Speaker 1: is two different things. And with families, it's like you
6:44
Speaker 1: have to like everyone. You have to talk to this cousin,
6:47
Speaker 1: you have to you know, And it's I think a
6:50
Speaker 1: family is like a class, right, Like when you start
6:54
Speaker 1: a new grade, there's thirty people in your class. I
6:56
Speaker 1: want to Detroit Public schools, it's thirty people in my class.
6:59
Speaker 1: But it's thirty people in your class and maybe three
7:01
Speaker 1: or four you vibe with, right. I think it's the
7:05
Speaker 1: same with families. Like it's some people it's whatever their personality.
7:09
Speaker 1: Your personality is, like this cousin, this and this uncle,
7:13
Speaker 1: come on, y'all, and the rest of them. It's like,
7:15
Speaker 1: oh no, they're all cool. I really like them. But
7:18
Speaker 1: they are just certain people personality wise. And that's the
7:21
Speaker 1: part we're not considering that there are people even with
7:24
Speaker 1: your children, there are certain you know, certain kids you're
7:26
Speaker 1: like this this my guy, you know, based on personality,
7:30
Speaker 1: based on how much they seem to be like you
7:33
Speaker 1: or interested in your life. My oldest daughter likes to
7:37
Speaker 1: tell me that my my third daughter is my favorite,
7:39
Speaker 1: and that bothers me. Is it true? I don't think so,
7:43
Speaker 1: you know, but it's like I don't like it. I
7:45
Speaker 1: don't think it's true. I think so don't because I
7:51
Speaker 1: don't feel like I have a favorite child, and I'll
7:53
Speaker 1: be trying to explain that to her and she does it.
7:55
Speaker 1: Like like even yesterday, you know, my my third daughter
7:58
Speaker 1: was trying to get them to look at something like
8:00
Speaker 1: a picture she drew, and she was asking questions, what
8:02
Speaker 1: do y'all think this is? And they were kind of
8:03
Speaker 1: ignoring her, not on purpose, but they were having conversations
8:06
Speaker 1: with each other, and I'm like, pay attention to what
8:08
Speaker 1: she's saying, like, oh, you just wanted to pay attention.
8:10
Speaker 1: That's your favorite child and that makes me hot. Did
8:14
Speaker 1: your third daughter remind you of yourself? No, actually my
8:19
Speaker 1: second daughter does. Okay, So I wonder, I wonder why
8:23
Speaker 1: they're seeing this allegiance. I don't know, well, something's happening.
8:27
Speaker 1: So something is happening. You may not be clear of
8:30
Speaker 1: what it is, but it's something happening there, whether it's
8:32
Speaker 1: like you're over at like pay attention to her, you
8:35
Speaker 1: know whatever, with her, something is happening. I find that
8:38
Speaker 1: with parents sometimes they will deny no, I don't have
8:42
Speaker 1: a favor to know, I treat everybody to say when
8:44
Speaker 1: clearly they are not. And that's okay because we don't
8:47
Speaker 1: treat all people to say, and it's okay to recognize that, like, hey,
8:50
Speaker 1: I am giving this person more attention because of X
8:53
Speaker 1: Y Z or I notice that too, and you know,
8:56
Speaker 1: maybe try to be fair or maybe not, you know,
8:58
Speaker 1: but I think to deny it sometimes can be problematic
9:01
Speaker 1: for the sibling relationship because I feel like that could
9:04
Speaker 1: lead to an unhealthy family relationship amongst the siblings. I'm
9:08
Speaker 1: playing favorites and I'm not, you know, I think that's
9:10
Speaker 1: into everybody's family when they have when you have a
9:12
Speaker 1: bunch of kids. So that was the only child, so
9:13
Speaker 1: I didn't have to go through that. I was the
9:15
Speaker 1: child like I was the favorite because there's nothing else.
9:18
Speaker 1: But in any family like mine, it's like I catered
9:21
Speaker 1: to my daughters more than my son's why because my
9:24
Speaker 1: daughters catered to me. They're loving, they're cuddling with daddy.
9:27
Speaker 1: If I get sick, they're gonna lay in bed and
9:29
Speaker 1: rub Daddy's back. Then daddy's third daughter. That's what they do.
9:34
Speaker 1: That's it, you know what I mean? The rest of
9:36
Speaker 1: them like your dad, you're good, I see like, but
9:37
Speaker 1: the rest of it, they're gonna lay the dead like
9:39
Speaker 1: they're gonna they're gonna come for dad. And you take
9:42
Speaker 1: a liking to that. Yeah, yeah, but do you acknowledge that?
9:45
Speaker 1: Do you say that to them? Like you're right? And
9:48
Speaker 1: this is why. So here's an opportunity for you to
9:50
Speaker 1: come cuddle with me. Yeah, but you know what, and
9:54
Speaker 1: this is gonna sound crazy. My son is a nineteen
9:57
Speaker 1: year old football play. If he got in the bed
9:58
Speaker 1: and cuddle with me, it was just feel awkward to
10:00
Speaker 1: me like that. While Bro, we got six kids, yes,
10:06
Speaker 1: three of them a cuddle age, but you referenced the
10:08
Speaker 1: nineteen year old son. No, because my daughters come with me,
10:10
Speaker 1: My son two, three, ter getting the bed and cuddle
10:17
Speaker 1: with dad, my nine, my eight, my six, my my
10:20
Speaker 1: one year old. But my nineteen. It would just feel
10:22
Speaker 1: a little awkward. That's messed up, man. That's why men Field,
10:25
Speaker 1: That's why we'd be so closed off and don't know
10:27
Speaker 1: how to show emotions, you know what I mean? Get
10:29
Speaker 1: that made a little cuddle time my son to day
10:33
Speaker 1: with his armpit here on me, and it's like, that's
10:35
Speaker 1: not gonna that's that's not That's horrible, bro, that's horrible.
10:40
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Let's talk about cycle breakers. Yes, now, that's
10:43
Speaker 1: very important, especially when it comes to our dynamical family, right, yes, yes, yes.
10:48
Speaker 1: Cycle breakers are people who are the first in their
10:50
Speaker 1: family to do a thing, the first in their family
10:53
Speaker 1: to to be rich, to go to college, to maybe
10:56
Speaker 1: not go to college, to be married, um, all sorts
10:59
Speaker 1: of things. And I think when you are a cycle breaker,
11:03
Speaker 1: there is a lot of pushback from the people who
11:06
Speaker 1: have not changed, from the people who are still in
11:10
Speaker 1: you know, maybe some of those unhealthy relationships, because you know,
11:14
Speaker 1: it's hard to see people do something that you couldn't,
11:17
Speaker 1: or do something that feels like a threat to who
11:20
Speaker 1: you are, or do something that you know makes you think, gosh,
11:23
Speaker 1: am I supposed to change too. So being a cycle breaker,
11:27
Speaker 1: I think a lot of their support comes from people
11:29
Speaker 1: outside their family. Sometimes it comes from you know, that
11:33
Speaker 1: chosen family, and may come from you know, some of
11:35
Speaker 1: those other family members that you don't see as often.
11:38
Speaker 1: It may come from watching TV shows and identifying with
11:42
Speaker 1: you know, some influencer or all sorts of things. But
11:46
Speaker 1: you know, I think cycle breaking is important. It's also
11:50
Speaker 1: really tough because you have to figure out a way
11:53
Speaker 1: to be supported. That's why you're an amazing authorentimating therapist
11:56
Speaker 1: because you just be hitting things right on the nose
11:59
Speaker 1: and it makes people not I feel crazy because everything
12:01
Speaker 1: you just said it's true, even especially the fact of
12:04
Speaker 1: having to find family outside of your family, that chosen family.
12:09
Speaker 1: How important is chosen family? Oh my gosh, it's everything.
12:13
Speaker 1: You know. In our families, we sometimes choose. Remember I said,
12:16
Speaker 1: you know it might be these three people that you pick.
12:18
Speaker 1: But you know, when we are outside of that family system,
12:22
Speaker 1: we have the ability to go to work and say, Okay,
12:25
Speaker 1: I really like this person, and I really like this person.
12:27
Speaker 1: Come on, you're my family now. And we can do
12:30
Speaker 1: that with our friends and it's just easier. The relationships
12:33
Speaker 1: are based on not blood, but just how we feel
12:37
Speaker 1: about each other. They're more authentic, and I think that
12:40
Speaker 1: is the really important piece with the Chosen family. I
12:44
Speaker 1: also wanted to discuss um giving families grace, giving your
12:48
Speaker 1: family members grace, right, we talk about it all the time.
12:52
Speaker 1: The way that our parents were raised. The world changes
12:55
Speaker 1: so much the things that our parents say, what they
12:57
Speaker 1: talk about, you know, from something small to how we
13:00
Speaker 1: were raised to beatings back in the day. So do
13:03
Speaker 1: you talk about empathy and grace when it comes to
13:05
Speaker 1: family member because you said, you know, yeah, I messed
13:07
Speaker 1: with you, and I messed with you. I don't really
13:08
Speaker 1: messed with this family member. But this family member might
13:11
Speaker 1: have been raised differently and that's the reason why you
13:13
Speaker 1: don't like them. M Yes, I have a part in
13:16
Speaker 1: a book where I talk about like how to stop
13:18
Speaker 1: hating your parents, And that's all about grace because our
13:23
Speaker 1: parents have a story and some of us know the
13:25
Speaker 1: story and some of us do not. But I am
13:28
Speaker 1: certain that it is the reason that they parented you
13:32
Speaker 1: in a certain way. And when I think about, you know,
13:35
Speaker 1: when my mother tells me stories about herself, I'm like,
13:38
Speaker 1: oh girl, I see why, you know, because it's it's
13:42
Speaker 1: not what I'm experiencing where it's different than what I'm experiencing.
13:45
Speaker 1: So it's very easy as a child to have judgments
13:49
Speaker 1: of people. You know, when we're kids, we think like,
13:52
Speaker 1: this person should be doing this because they're an adult.
13:55
Speaker 1: And as an adult, I'm looking like, oh, these adults
13:58
Speaker 1: just as messy on social media as the kids, you know,
14:01
Speaker 1: or these adults have the same issues that you know
14:05
Speaker 1: they've had for a long time. So adults don't have
14:07
Speaker 1: it figured out. They just happen to be parents. And
14:11
Speaker 1: so we do have to think about, oh my gosh,
14:13
Speaker 1: like people have so much stuff going on and we
14:17
Speaker 1: have these expectations of them, and we have to start
14:20
Speaker 1: to see them as people. I want to go back
14:22
Speaker 1: to building support outside of your family, because you know,
14:25
Speaker 1: you have a chapter in Johma Free when you talk
14:27
Speaker 1: about that name, and like do you mean in like
14:29
Speaker 1: absent of Like if your blood family isn't showing up
14:33
Speaker 1: for you, should you build a family outside of that?
14:36
Speaker 1: But what if you do have some blood family members
14:38
Speaker 1: you rock with, should you still look to build a
14:40
Speaker 1: family outside of them? All of it? I mean, is
14:43
Speaker 1: there a such thing that's having too much love or
14:44
Speaker 1: too many people? I don't think so. Yeah, So we
14:47
Speaker 1: need blood family, chosen family, neighbors, all of it. Would
14:52
Speaker 1: I would, I would accept it all. You know, I
14:54
Speaker 1: think there are some folks who, unfortunately they don't have
14:58
Speaker 1: that love and support in their family, and they have
15:01
Speaker 1: to have, you know, a complete new family. But you know,
15:04
Speaker 1: many people have a few people here and there, and
15:06
Speaker 1: many people have everyone in their family. So it really depends,
15:10
Speaker 1: but it is an important piece. I've also seen people
15:13
Speaker 1: be very closed off to having anyone who's not a
15:16
Speaker 1: blood relative around them, you know, isolating out. I don't
15:20
Speaker 1: hang out with people because I only you know, I
15:21
Speaker 1: only talk to my family was and not a lot
15:24
Speaker 1: of nice people in the world. You may want to
15:26
Speaker 1: include something that's right now, troubleshooting relationships with siblings. Yes,
15:30
Speaker 1: I want to talk about that. So Charlomagne mentioned earlier
15:33
Speaker 1: that his third was his favorite. I did not say that.
15:36
Speaker 1: He didn't think almost think, how does that? Now? The
15:40
Speaker 1: older daughter might hate or dislike the third one because
15:44
Speaker 1: of that, but the third one really didn't really do anything.
15:48
Speaker 1: Let's talk about that sibling aspectause Charloma, how many brothers
15:50
Speaker 1: and sisters you have? H five? Well, five that I
15:54
Speaker 1: grew up with. Two that my dad had outside of
15:57
Speaker 1: five that I grew up with, And how your relationship
15:59
Speaker 1: with are You're all good at this something that you
16:01
Speaker 1: like more than the others. Don't put them on the spot.
16:07
Speaker 1: You love everybody equally. Your heart is inside. So how
16:14
Speaker 1: do you tell siblings to deal with that? You know,
16:18
Speaker 1: I think it goes back to that. You know, it's
16:21
Speaker 1: based on your personality. It's talk to Charlavan, Okay, it's
16:26
Speaker 1: based on your personality. It's based on who you feel
16:30
Speaker 1: you can have that authentic relationship with. And we don't
16:34
Speaker 1: feel like that with everyone, even if they're related to us.
16:37
Speaker 1: And with siblings sometimes a lot of that stuff that
16:40
Speaker 1: happens in childhood you start to develop this idea of
16:44
Speaker 1: you know, my parent build this person out, or my
16:47
Speaker 1: parent did this and it was this person's fault, and
16:50
Speaker 1: that does impact adult relationships. Another thing that I see
16:54
Speaker 1: impacting siblings is when the oldest sibling had to be
16:59
Speaker 1: a care or for the younger siblings and they have
17:02
Speaker 1: this idea of like, this is my sister, but it's
17:06
Speaker 1: my child. This is my brother, but this is my baby,
17:08
Speaker 1: and you know here it is. You're forty and a
17:11
Speaker 1: thirty five and you mother and them, and then there's
17:14
Speaker 1: this issue of, well, they don't want your mothering anymore
17:17
Speaker 1: now they want a sister. So how do we transition
17:20
Speaker 1: out of that role and really into a sibling relationship.
17:24
Speaker 1: You know, we can redefine our relationships with people at
17:28
Speaker 1: any point and talk about some of the resentment if
17:32
Speaker 1: there is a favorite child situation, because you're right, it's
17:35
Speaker 1: not one child's thought that that happens. It's you know,
17:39
Speaker 1: really based on the parents' choice. But it is easier
17:42
Speaker 1: sometimes for them to be mad at the siblings. So
17:45
Speaker 1: those are conversations to have. And I also think, you know,
17:49
Speaker 1: you can't force sibling relationships right, Like I'm the second oldest,
17:53
Speaker 1: but it's such an age gap between me and my
17:55
Speaker 1: oldest sister, And it's such an age gap between my
17:58
Speaker 1: two younger brothers and youngest so I loved them. We
18:01
Speaker 1: didn't necessarily have that relationship growing up because everybody was
18:05
Speaker 1: busy doing their own things. Like my two younger brothers
18:07
Speaker 1: are super close because they close her in age. So
18:10
Speaker 1: is it a parents job to like force those relationships
18:12
Speaker 1: to have him? No? I think sometimes parents think they're
18:17
Speaker 1: supposed to write like, you know, this is your brother.
18:19
Speaker 1: Y'all have to stick together. This is your sister. You
18:22
Speaker 1: have to stick together. But a lot of that is
18:23
Speaker 1: just natural. You'll see small kids like I want to
18:26
Speaker 1: hold my baby brother. I want and another kid might
18:29
Speaker 1: be like, I'm going outside, you know. So how do
18:32
Speaker 1: we allow people to select their people? So we shouldn't
18:36
Speaker 1: force them because I forced my kids. Okay, Like I
18:39
Speaker 1: have a nineteen year old and I have an eight
18:41
Speaker 1: year old, and I would be like, when you go
18:43
Speaker 1: to football practice, take your brother with you to let
18:46
Speaker 1: him hang out with his brother, you know, man, And
18:47
Speaker 1: my sound like caretaking to me. No, no, no, it's
18:50
Speaker 1: not because I want him. I want him to experience
18:52
Speaker 1: that because there's some things that I didn't say. I
18:53
Speaker 1: didn't play football as a kid. My nineteen year old does,
18:56
Speaker 1: and he's a good player. And I could tell that
18:58
Speaker 1: my eight year old looks up to him as a
19:00
Speaker 1: football player. So I'd be like, go out with your brother,
19:02
Speaker 1: go play with your brother. Logan want to college next year?
19:06
Speaker 1: How about he keeps saying nighteen in high school? No, no,
19:09
Speaker 1: you go to college next year? Oh his birthday December
19:10
Speaker 1: twenty eight. But that's what I do, even with you know,
19:13
Speaker 1: with whatever it may be playing video games. I don't
19:16
Speaker 1: play video games. My nineteen year old does, so I'd
19:19
Speaker 1: be like, go in the room your brother. I forced
19:20
Speaker 1: him to do it, and I noticed it keeps them close.
19:24
Speaker 1: So now my my not my eight year old of
19:26
Speaker 1: coming to my room, Bay Dad, can I sleep in
19:27
Speaker 1: Logan's room? And I'd be like, go ask him? But
19:29
Speaker 1: like he's starting to develop that bond where it is going,
19:32
Speaker 1: so I kind of forced him to do it. Fostering
19:34
Speaker 1: is the word you want to use, not force. You
19:37
Speaker 1: help them foster a relationship by making these suggestions, and
19:42
Speaker 1: it sounds like over time they have both grown to
19:45
Speaker 1: appreciate that. Forcing is when you say take this kid
19:51
Speaker 1: with you and they're like, oh, I don't want to
19:53
Speaker 1: do it right. So you're helping them learn to have
19:56
Speaker 1: a relationship together and that is healthy. Now and you're
20:00
Speaker 1: forcing your children to be close. I think that's different.
20:05
Speaker 1: It's it's not really closeness. It is you know, we
20:08
Speaker 1: can do this while we're here, But when people leave
20:12
Speaker 1: your home, like, how do you want those relationships to be?
20:15
Speaker 1: And that's what you need to think about, Like if
20:17
Speaker 1: you're forcing it, well, when they leave home and they're
20:20
Speaker 1: out in the world. Who's going to force it then
20:23
Speaker 1: no one. There's no real closeness. So if you're fostering
20:27
Speaker 1: it and they're both open to having closial relationships, then yeah,
20:31
Speaker 1: But forcing it, I think is not necessarily my biggest
20:35
Speaker 1: technique because my biggest fear and this is just me
20:38
Speaker 1: something I got to work through. But I don't think
20:39
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna get through. It is me not being there,
20:42
Speaker 1: right so something happens to me or I'm not there.
20:45
Speaker 1: I'm trying to create a type family that they can
20:48
Speaker 1: look after each other. So my dad has two sisters,
20:51
Speaker 1: right and to this day, my dad is eighty years old.
20:55
Speaker 1: If something happens to one of his sisters, he is
20:58
Speaker 1: there doctor's appointment. One lives in Virginia, one lives in Westchester.
21:01
Speaker 1: He is there. And I love that relationship. When their
21:04
Speaker 1: mom died, he became they all like protect each other.
21:08
Speaker 1: At eighty they'll fight for each other. Right now, That's
21:10
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to establish with this little tribe that
21:14
Speaker 1: no matter what, you look out for each other. If
21:16
Speaker 1: something happens, this one has your back. You can call
21:18
Speaker 1: this one no matter what it may be. You know,
21:20
Speaker 1: that's what I try to establish with the family vibe. Well,
21:24
Speaker 1: I will say that it sounds like you have a
21:27
Speaker 1: healthy foundation where that is possible. I think some people
21:32
Speaker 1: do not, and that's where you start to see a
21:36
Speaker 1: lot of that conflict and lack of closeness. Your kids
21:40
Speaker 1: have a two parent household. Your kids, it sounds like,
21:43
Speaker 1: have a lot of love, they have the support of
21:45
Speaker 1: each other. I think they'll be okay. I think they'll
21:50
Speaker 1: have that closest. I think there are other situations where,
21:53
Speaker 1: you know, when you think about some serious family issues,
21:57
Speaker 1: people are like vying for very little attention from you know,
22:00
Speaker 1: an absent parent or a parent who is self absorbed
22:04
Speaker 1: in all of these sort of things. And so yeah,
22:06
Speaker 1: those sibling relationships are impacted. But when you have two
22:10
Speaker 1: parents showing up to be there for children, yeah, there's
22:13
Speaker 1: a higher likelihood that they will have that close One
22:16
Speaker 1: of the question or for that another question that people
22:19
Speaker 1: always ask and people talk about all the time is
22:22
Speaker 1: the closeness between mom and child. Right. People say you
22:26
Speaker 1: can't be your child's best friend, right, because that's the
22:29
Speaker 1: one thing people say, that's my best friend, my daughter
22:31
Speaker 1: is my best friends. I'm people people, but how do
22:35
Speaker 1: you feel about that, um when someone is a child.
22:39
Speaker 1: I don't think so, because it's one sided. You certainly
22:42
Speaker 1: wouldn't share, you know, with your child. Girl, we went
22:45
Speaker 1: to the club, but not appropriate, mom. But you can
22:50
Speaker 1: listen to a lot of what your kid is saying,
22:53
Speaker 1: and you can give them some feedback and hopefully they
22:58
Speaker 1: have a relationship where they trust being able to talk
23:00
Speaker 1: to you. I wouldn't necessarily call that a best friendship,
23:05
Speaker 1: as much as I would say that is a healthy
23:07
Speaker 1: relationship with your child. You don't want to be in
23:10
Speaker 1: a best friendship where you're oversharing with your child. Your
23:14
Speaker 1: child is hyper focused on your needs because you have
23:18
Speaker 1: so much stuff going on. That's where it gets a
23:21
Speaker 1: little murky. It's like, okay, what is this? What is
23:23
Speaker 1: the definition of this best friendship? If it's you caring
23:28
Speaker 1: for your child and your child is just being open
23:30
Speaker 1: with you, okay, cool, that's best friendship for you. But
23:33
Speaker 1: if it's you know, this person is always here for
23:36
Speaker 1: me where they're eight, you know they should not always.
23:41
Speaker 1: They shouldn't always be there for you. Find you some
23:44
Speaker 1: friends at work. But I think when kids get older,
23:50
Speaker 1: you know, and I don't even know if it's in
23:52
Speaker 1: their twenties. I think it takes a certain amount of
23:55
Speaker 1: living life for you to be able to start having
23:57
Speaker 1: those conversations where the parent can start to pull back
24:01
Speaker 1: a bit and not um, I don't want to say
24:05
Speaker 1: high so much, but not be as open because I
24:10
Speaker 1: think it's some stuff we can tell kids it's just inappropriate.
24:14
Speaker 1: And I think it's some things that twenty somethings can
24:17
Speaker 1: tell parents that's inappropriate. Like how healthy is it for
24:20
Speaker 1: a twenty something your old daughter to be talking to
24:22
Speaker 1: her dad about the sex life? For it, Like, I
24:25
Speaker 1: don't think I don't want to hear that. Well, maybe
24:28
Speaker 1: not details, but details knowing your daughter is sexual, sexually active.
24:33
Speaker 1: I guess that's okay. Details, It depends on the father's
24:37
Speaker 1: comfort line. Yeah, yeah, I see, I know what you're
24:40
Speaker 1: talking about because I don't want to be so that's it.
24:43
Speaker 1: That's all I agree with. This is a direct situation, okay, right, yeah,
24:48
Speaker 1: not amongst some things we've been over hearing. Now. You
24:52
Speaker 1: you refer to family as a cultural system in the
24:55
Speaker 1: book Drama Free. What does that mean? So families have
24:59
Speaker 1: their own things? You know, in your family it might
25:02
Speaker 1: be you know, when you have a baby, the baby,
25:04
Speaker 1: go live with your grandma for three months, or you know,
25:07
Speaker 1: whatever your program is. It is how you learn to be,
25:11
Speaker 1: how you learn to exist. When we get married, we
25:14
Speaker 1: do this, when we whatever, this is what happens. It
25:20
Speaker 1: is a whole culture. I think what's interesting is when
25:23
Speaker 1: we take our culture and we try to move that
25:26
Speaker 1: culture into the world. When we try to get married
25:28
Speaker 1: and we try to get into relationships and we're telling
25:31
Speaker 1: our partner what's normal and they're like, no, this is
25:34
Speaker 1: what we did in my family. That's where you start
25:37
Speaker 1: to say like, oh, this is how my family was,
25:40
Speaker 1: and now we have to figure out a new culture
25:43
Speaker 1: for ourselves. We have to figure out a new way
25:46
Speaker 1: to engage because maybe neither one of those things work
25:49
Speaker 1: for us, and we need a new way of being.
25:52
Speaker 1: And that's when you start getting into you know, maybe
25:54
Speaker 1: the blended family and in law stuff. But yeah, we
25:57
Speaker 1: come with a system of you spoke about it with
26:01
Speaker 1: your with your dad and his siblings. Like the culture
26:04
Speaker 1: is you are close to your siblings. If something happens
26:09
Speaker 1: to them. Now, if one of your kids steps outside
26:12
Speaker 1: of that, it's like, oh my gosh, why is he
26:15
Speaker 1: over here? Like not checking on his sisters or not
26:17
Speaker 1: doing this thing because the culture has already been established
26:21
Speaker 1: in your family and that expectation has been set, so
26:25
Speaker 1: you know the cultural The cultural piece is only problematic
26:29
Speaker 1: when somebody sort of breaks away from it and the
26:31
Speaker 1: others disagree. Because for a lot of especially our families,
26:35
Speaker 1: it's more that I told you so, syndrome, right, thrown
26:38
Speaker 1: up as a kid is dad? Can I go there
26:40
Speaker 1: and know why? Because I told you so? My wife
26:44
Speaker 1: is a little different. It took me a long time
26:45
Speaker 1: to get to it because I was the same way. Right.
26:47
Speaker 1: My dad's retired police officers, So that's what he did, right,
26:49
Speaker 1: I told you so, why because he didn't want to
26:51
Speaker 1: tell me the reasons why. But my wife, My wife
26:56
Speaker 1: likes to have conversations, right. I don't like the conversations
26:59
Speaker 1: because it's if I tell you something to do it.
27:02
Speaker 1: But my kids like, but why can't I? Well, why
27:05
Speaker 1: doesn't that make sense? And she'll sit there and have
27:06
Speaker 1: conversation with them all day. I guess it's a better
27:09
Speaker 1: way because they understand the reason why, and they don't
27:12
Speaker 1: leave being mad and don't leave being hateful. But it's
27:15
Speaker 1: just when it comes to that I'm a mom, so
27:19
Speaker 1: I do a little exploit and I also over talk
27:21
Speaker 1: to my dog so you know, get off of their
27:24
Speaker 1: go and the it's like sit could have helped. All right,
27:30
Speaker 1: I'm saying way too much. Never thankfully, um, but yeah,
27:38
Speaker 1: I think with Kias it is hopeful sometimes to give
27:42
Speaker 1: them some reason. You know, kids are people, and it
27:45
Speaker 1: is hopeful for them to know why and how and
27:48
Speaker 1: what this means because in the future, hopefully with that understanding,
27:52
Speaker 1: they'll be able to tap into that conversation and say, oh,
27:56
Speaker 1: this is why I shouldn't do that. Without that level
27:59
Speaker 1: of understanding, you may not know next time. So it
28:03
Speaker 1: can be helpful to just explain things. And that is
28:05
Speaker 1: a cultural shift, right when you come from just because
28:09
Speaker 1: I said so, well all the because I said souls
28:11
Speaker 1: weren't healthy for us. We have some adults telling us
28:14
Speaker 1: stuff and it's like she did I know what she's
28:15
Speaker 1: talking about? You know. So so if somebody can explain
28:19
Speaker 1: their why, sometimes it could be really helpful for them
28:22
Speaker 1: in the future. And sometimes you will hear them talking
28:25
Speaker 1: to their friends and you're like, oh, those my words.
28:27
Speaker 1: So it helps. I want people to pick up the
28:30
Speaker 1: book Drama Freeze I don't want to, you know, give
28:32
Speaker 1: too much away, but I love the Resisting the Urge
28:34
Speaker 1: to Operating Dysfunction chapter because sometimes I wonder, I don't
28:39
Speaker 1: think people can help it if they haven't you done
28:41
Speaker 1: the work to even recognize this is dysfunctional to them,
28:43
Speaker 1: they just operating, you know, in normalcy. So what did
28:47
Speaker 1: that mean? Resisting the urge to operate and dysfunction? And
28:50
Speaker 1: if you don't know what's the function, it's learning to
28:52
Speaker 1: be different. I think we have so many times in
28:55
Speaker 1: life where we are shown different things and it's up
28:59
Speaker 1: to us to pick it up, whether that's visiting a
29:01
Speaker 1: friend's house, see or something on TV. If we just
29:04
Speaker 1: process some of that information like wow, that's what they
29:08
Speaker 1: do in their house, and have those conversations even with
29:11
Speaker 1: our siblings, with other family members, with our friends, you
29:14
Speaker 1: will learn that some of the things that you are
29:16
Speaker 1: experiencing they may be normal for you, but they are
29:19
Speaker 1: not necessarily the healthiest. All right, we appreciate you for
29:25
Speaker 1: joining us this morning the book Drama Free and listen.
29:29
Speaker 1: This Wednesday, I'm gonna be in conversation with Miss Nature
29:33
Speaker 1: Tuab Glover at the Bell House, Brooklyn, New York at
29:38
Speaker 1: seven pm. Okay, it might be sold out already. I
29:41
Speaker 1: don't know. I think it's pretty sold out it is, right, Okay, well,
29:45
Speaker 1: I guess from more information than tickets. Visit nadure tuab
29:48
Speaker 1: dot com. If it's sold out, don't worry about it,
29:50
Speaker 1: but definitely go out there and pick up the book.
29:52
Speaker 1: Purchase a book. Drama Free A guy to managing unhealthy
29:55
Speaker 1: family relationships. Always a pleasure talking to you. Thank you
29:58
Speaker 1: for joining us this morning. Thank you. I'll ride as
30:00
Speaker 1: the Breakfast Club. Good morning,