Latest / IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective / Parenting and "Self-Deception" - A book review

Transcript

Parenting and "Self-Deception" - A book review · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact Parenting with Perspective, episode 227.
• 0:09
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens.
• 0:17
  Ben: So they can focus on what's most important, building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:25
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:35
  Ben: Hello.
• 0:36
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:38
  Ben: Thank you for being here today.
• 0:40
  Ben: We are going to be talking about parenting and self deception.
• 0:46
  Ben: Now, this is kind of a book review, the number one, most Recommended book.
• 0:54
  Ben: Well, the number one book that I recommend to parents of teens is leadership and self deception.
• 1:02
  Ben: And today I want to talk about parenting and self deception.
• 1:07
  Ben: And I want to talk about why leadership and self deception is so powerful for parents.
• 1:13
  Ben: Now, real quick, before we get started.
• 1:16
  Ben: I want to invite you to do something.
• 1:19
  Ben: If you have enjoyed this podcast, if this has helped you in your parenting journey, please take the time to, well, number one, subscribe to the podcast or follow it, whatever they call it these days.
• 1:32
  Ben: Just make sure that you can.
• 1:34
  Ben: Come back to this podcast easily and get the tips and the help that you want and that you need going forward to help you be the parent of your dreams.
• 1:43
  Ben: Also, please take a second, leave me a five star review.
• 1:48
  Ben: Leave me a written review.
• 1:50
  Ben: These are the type of things that really help parents find this podcast.
• 1:55
  Ben: So your review, yes, it helps me.
• 1:59
  Ben: Be found by more parents, but it could also be the review that helps another mom or another dad to really dive into this podcast and get the help that they're looking for.
• 2:13
  Ben: So if this is helped you at all, please take a minute, please go leave me a review and that will help me get more people listening, which helps me help the world by.
• 2:27
  Ben: Helping one family at a time.
• 2:29
  Ben: Okay.
• 2:29
  Ben: So let's talk about leadership and self deception and why it's so powerful.
• 2:37
  Ben: Now, like I said earlier, this is the number one book that I recommend to parents who are struggling with their teens, maybe they're struggling with a spouse, or maybe they're even struggling with someone in their life.
• 2:52
  Ben: It might be a mother in law or someone at work.
• 2:56
  Ben: And the reason.
• 2:59
  Ben: Do this is because I read this book several years ago and it completely changed my life.
• 3:07
  Ben: Now there is a family member in my family that everyone in the family was kind of in the box towards.
• 3:14
  Ben: Um, they blamed this family member.
• 3:18
  Ben: They didn't have a good relationship with them.
• 3:21
  Ben: They'd talk behind their back, like all sorts of stuff.
• 3:24
  Ben: And.
• 3:25
  Ben: That was just kind of the culture of the family when my wife and I got married, and we didn't really think about it, but we didn't have a great relationship with this family member either, and I remember reading this book and thinking, Oh my gosh, we need to read this together as a couple, like me and my wife.
• 3:50
  Ben: And so I read it.
• 3:54
  Ben: Well, by read, I mean I listened to it because pretty much the only way I ever read books is by listening to them.
• 4:02
  Ben: Anyways, I listened to it, I got my wife to listen to it with me, and it completely changed everything.
• 4:10
  Ben: Everything with me, my wife and this family member and their family.
• 4:17
  Ben: And we didn't realize beforehand that everyone in the family was in the box towards this family member.
• 4:25
  Ben: But afterwards, after reading leadership and self-deception, we could see it clearly.
• 4:31
  Ben: And this book helped.
• 4:33
  Ben: Me and my wife figured out how to fix our relationship with them.
• 4:39
  Ben: And now we have a great relationship we have for several years.
• 4:43
  Ben: Like when I read this book, I was still a principal at the tribal high school on the Udendian reservation.
• 4:51
  Ben: I believe this book helped me be a better foster parent because.
• 4:56
  Ben: My wife and I were foster parents at this time.
• 4:59
  Ben: I believe it helped me be a better high school principal and a better high school football coach and a better husband and father.
• 5:10
  Ben: Now, if you are the type of parent who wants a better relationship with your teen, I recommend that you read this book.
• 5:19
  Ben: If you're the type of parent, like I've got someone in mind that, man, they are a fantastic parent.
• 5:27
  Ben: Uh, they're a great dad.
• 5:29
  Ben: They, I just watch them from the sideline and he does fantastic.
• 5:35
  Ben: He's one of the best dads that I know.
• 5:37
  Ben: I would still recommend that he read this book because it will help you up your game as a parent.
• 5:45
  Ben: It will help you learn some skills to be more in control of you as a parent.
• 5:52
  Ben: And to let go of things that you can't even, can't, can't, can't, can't, Let go of things that you can't even control with your teen, which will help you improve your relationship.
• 6:03
  Ben: So again, if you are the type of parent who wants a better relationship with your teen, or if you're the type of parent who just wants to be the best parent that you can be, I recommend that you read this book.
• 6:16
  Ben: It's fantastic.
• 6:18
  Ben: Now I do want to tell you of an alternative.
• 6:23
  Ben: I really like leadership and self deception.
• 6:27
  Ben: It is one of my all time favorite books.
• 6:30
  Ben: Um, I would actually like to write a book that is similar.
• 6:35
  Ben: Like leadership and self deception is kind of this fable.
• 6:41
  Ben: It's a made up story that teaches a powerful concept.
• 6:44
  Ben: I love those types of books.
• 6:46
  Ben: I would like to write one like that, but I get it.
• 6:49
  Ben: It's not for everyone.
• 6:51
  Ben: My dad prefers.
• 6:54
  Ben: The Anatomy of Peace.
• 6:56
  Ben: It's also written by the Arbinger Institute, the same group that wrote Leadership and Self Deception.
• 7:03
  Ben: Both books are super powerful.
• 7:08
  Ben: If Leadership and Self Deception, if you read it, and you're like, well, that was cute and fun, but it's not for me, go try The Anatomy of Peace.
• 7:17
  Ben: I've read them both.
• 7:18
  Ben: I've read The Anatomy of Peace once, and I've read Leadership and Self Deception at least ten times.
• 7:25
  Ben: Now, I feel like leadership and self deception is more of a fun story that will pull at your emotions.
• 7:33
  Ben: It will help you empathize with the main character and his struggles.
• 7:38
  Ben: And I believe it will help you see how to apply the lessons that he's learning.
• 7:44
  Ben: Into your own life.
• 7:46
  Ben: I, every time I read it, there's parts where I feel like crying.
• 7:50
  Ben: There's parts that I realize, Oh my goodness.
• 7:53
  Ben: I've been doing the exact same thing.
• 7:57
  Ben: Now the anatomy of peace, in my opinion, it's more focused on conflict resolution and creating peace, which is fantastic.
• 8:10
  Ben: It's less of a story and it's more of a guide with real life examples.
• 8:17
  Ben: Like, I think there's a point where they talk about, like, the police in, like, maybe Kansas City, Missouri, I can't remember, but they had so many complaints against them for being mean and cruel and heavy handed.
• 8:33
  Ben: When they started implementing the things that they learned in the Anatomy of Peace, Complaints just disappeared.
• 8:41
  Ben: There's a story of where they make a bust in a house and they get everyone like secured and like in handcuffs and safe, and they're looking for one of the police officers and they're like, Oh, I think I saw him go into the kitchen.
• 8:54
  Ben: And he's in the kitchen.
• 8:56
  Ben: He's found a bottle.
• 8:57
  Ben: He's found baby formula and he's mixing up baby formula so that they can feed one of the babies that is being impacted by this house raid and their focus was on taking care of needs, resolving conflict.
• 9:13
  Ben: I love both of these books.
• 9:16
  Ben: In fact, now that I've talked about the anatomy of peace, I think I'll go.
• 9:19
  Ben: Reread that, but I would invite you started leadership and self deception.
• 9:25
  Ben: I'll also give you this invitation.
• 9:27
  Ben: If you read leadership and self deception, I will have a discussion with you.
• 9:34
  Ben: Like I will give you a free coaching call because I love discussing that book.
• 9:38
  Ben: I do it with my current clients.
• 9:41
  Ben: I do it with previous clients and I do it with potential clients.
• 9:45
  Ben: I would love to talk to you about your interpretation.
• 9:49
  Ben: Of leadership and self deception.
• 9:52
  Ben: And I would love to help you apply the principles in your own life.
• 9:56
  Ben: Now let's take a minute and let's talk about some limiting beliefs.
• 10:01
  Ben: Actually, we're just going to talk about one specific limiting belief.
• 10:06
  Ben: And I feel like we all struggle with this from time to time.
• 10:11
  Ben: This is a belief that I would characterize as being in the victim mentality, because you're actually blaming.
• 10:19
  Ben: So the belief is that your teen is the one with the problem.
• 10:26
  Ben: And a lot of parents believe that it's their teen who has the problem and that they're the one that needs to change.
• 10:35
  Ben: And that they're the one who.
• 10:37
  Ben: It's responsible for whatever troubles you're having with your teen.
• 10:42
  Ben: Now, this is a common belief.
• 10:44
  Ben: I have fallen into this trap.
• 10:47
  Ben: I want you to understand this is actually bigger than just a parenting belief.
• 10:51
  Ben: This is actually really common all over human life.
• 10:56
  Ben: Look at politics in politics.
• 10:59
  Ben: It seems like they're always blaming the other side, whether that's the opposite.
• 11:05
  Ben: Political party or an opposing country or leader, or even a disease.
• 11:11
  Ben: They just, they're blaming the opposition in sports.
• 11:17
  Ben: There's this mentality with blaming the referees or blaming the opposing teen or their fans, even at work, it is commonplace.
• 11:27
  Ben: To blame bosses, coworkers, and even other circumstances.
• 11:33
  Ben: Like the darn printer isn't working anymore.
• 11:37
  Ben: And we blame these things when things don't go as we planned.
• 11:43
  Ben: So it makes sense.
• 11:45
  Ben: That you might bring this belief into your relationship with your teen and with your families.
• 11:52
  Ben: And if you're believing that your teen is the one with the problem, that it's your teen that needs to change, and that it's your teen who's responsible for fixing your relationship with them, you will be disempowered.
• 12:09
  Ben: And if you think about it, this is the most disempowering belief that you can have.
• 12:16
  Ben: And I consider this to be a form of self deception.
• 12:21
  Ben: Now, when you read leadership and self deception, you're going to learn all about self deception and in the box thinking, and when you think that your teen is the one who needs to change and be fixed, you are in the box and you are engaged in self deception.
• 12:41
  Ben: Now, I do want to offer you an empowering alternative belief.
• 12:47
  Ben: What if you were the solution to every problem that you have with your teen?
• 12:55
  Ben: The secret is you are like last week I did the podcast.
• 13:00
  Ben: You are the secret ingredient.
• 13:03
  Ben: You are the solution to every problem that you have with your teen.
• 13:08
  Ben: The truth is when you try to change your teen, you are in the box towards your teen, and you're actually in self deception towards yourself.
• 13:17
  Ben: You The truth is you can only change you.
• 13:21
  Ben: So start asking yourself, empowering questions like, well, how can I be the change that I want to see in my teenager?
• 13:29
  Ben: I am so fed up with their lying.
• 13:32
  Ben: Let's see the change I want to see in my teen is I want them to be more honest.
• 13:36
  Ben: I can't control that.
• 13:37
  Ben: How can I be more honest?
• 13:41
  Ben: How can I reward my teen and reinforce honesty?
• 13:46
  Ben: You can start asking yourself empowering questions to help you be the change.
• 13:52
  Ben: So, do you want a better relationship with your teen?
• 13:57
  Ben: Do you want to keep looking at your teen as if they're the problem, and keep blaming them for your struggles?
• 14:05
  Ben: Or do you want to get out of the box towards your teen?
• 14:08
  Ben: And out of self deception so you can start being the change you're looking for.
• 14:14
  Ben: Ultimately, just ask yourself, do I want a better relationship with my teen?
• 14:19
  Ben: If you answered yes, then leadership and self deception can help you do just that.
• 14:27
  Ben: I want to invite you to do a couple of things.
• 14:29
  Ben: Number one, I want to invite you, go read Leadership and Self Deception.
• 14:33
  Ben: It's on Audible.
• 14:35
  Ben: It will read it to you.
• 14:37
  Ben: The production is fantastic.
• 14:39
  Ben: I enjoy listening to it.
• 14:41
  Ben: I listened to it at least once a year and I just, I love it.
• 14:46
  Ben: I talked to my clients about it at least once a year.
• 14:50
  Ben: The other thing I wanted to invite you to do is that before it's too late, go take the parent trap quiz and go find out where you're getting stuck as a parent and how to quickly get unstuck.
• 15:06
  Ben: Now, I'm not sure exactly when this parent trap quiz is going to go away, but I can tell you it will go away because I'm working on something new that is going to be fantastic to help parents just like you connect with their teenagers.
• 15:22
  Ben: But until I finish that, Go take the Parent Trap quiz.
• 15:26
  Ben: Even if you've taken it before, you can go take it again.
• 15:29
  Ben: I had one mom recently, and she was like, Man, when I first found you, I went and took the Parent Trap quiz, I was stuck in the Controlling Parent Trap.
• 15:38
  Ben: Well then, after a while, I went and re took it, I was stuck in the Dormat Parent Trap.
• 15:43
  Ben: I went from Controlling to letting my teen walk all over me.
• 15:48
  Ben: You can go take this quiz multiple times.
• 15:50
  Ben: In fact, you can kind of track your progress.
• 15:53
  Ben: A lot of times what I see in parents is a first start out in the controlling parent trap.
• 15:59
  Ben: And then they're like, well, I'm going to stop trying to control all these things that I can't control.
• 16:04
  Ben: And then they go to the other extreme and they're in the doormat parent trap where they're just letting their teen walk all over him.
• 16:11
  Ben: And then they realize, wait a second.
• 16:13
  Ben: The controlling parent trap doesn't work.
• 16:15
  Ben: The doormat parent trap doesn't work.
• 16:18
  Ben: Now I'm just lost and confused.
• 16:20
  Ben: Like what do I do?
• 16:22
  Ben: The parent trap quiz will not only help you identify what trap you're getting stuck in.
• 16:28
  Ben: It will help you know exactly how to get unstuck from that trap.
• 16:34
  Ben: It's as easy as one, two, three.
• 16:35
  Ben: Number one, just go to benpwcoaching.
• 16:38
  Ben: com slash parent trap quiz.
• 16:40
  Ben: Number two, take the quiz.
• 16:43
  Ben: It'll take you less than three minutes and it will give you the answers of how to get out of every single parent trap.
• 16:50
  Ben: And then step three, go start being the parent of your dreams.
• 16:56
  Ben: I hope you enjoyed this podcast.
• 16:58
  Ben: If you did, go leave me a review and I will see you next week.