Latest / Sex Advice for Seniors Podcast / Why Are Women Over 50 Ashamed of Sex Toys? | FT. Dr. Shamyra Howard

Transcript

Why Are Women Over 50 Ashamed of Sex Toys? | FT. Dr. Shamyra Howard · Sex Advice for Seniors Podcast

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: For anyone embracing pleasure and wellness at every stage of life,
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh My Bod delivers smart,
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: sophisticated intimacy products that empower you to feel good.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Explore more at ohmybod.com, spelled O-H-M-I-B-O-D.
• 0:22
  [music]
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, this is Suzanne,
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  SPEAKER_01: and welcome to Sex Advice for Seniors,
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: the podcast where we say the quiet parts out loud,
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: especially when it comes to sex pleasure
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: and everything we were told we should stop caring about after a certain age.
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  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a question for you.
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  SPEAKER_01: When was the last time anybody talked to you about sex toys?
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  SPEAKER_01: Not as a joke,
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: not as something naughty,
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  SPEAKER_01: but as a completely valid, empowering part of your sex life?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because the truth is...
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Many women over 50, myself included, are rediscovering sexuality on our own terms.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And sex toys, as I know very well, can play a really big part in that.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: As we know,
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  SPEAKER_01: there's a huge amount of shame and confusion on a marketplace
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  SPEAKER_01: that really hasn't known how to speak to them.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so today we are going to change all of that.
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  SPEAKER_01: Of course we are.
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  SPEAKER_01: I'm joined by Dr.
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  SPEAKER_01: Shmyra Howard,
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  SPEAKER_01: an award-winning sexologist,
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  SPEAKER_01: a licensed therapist, and founder of On the Green Couch.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I can see that she's wearing green to match with her green couch, which is not in shot.
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  SPEAKER_01: She's been featured everywhere from CNN to Vogue.
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  SPEAKER_01: And she's on a mission,
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  SPEAKER_01: like we all are,
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  SPEAKER_01: to help people to have better sex,
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  SPEAKER_01: deeper intimacy, and more honest conversations about what we all really want.
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  SPEAKER_01: Shamira, welcome to Sex Advice for Seniors.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Suze.
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  SPEAKER_01: And why do you think it is that society is still shaming us women,
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  SPEAKER_01: especially older women,
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  SPEAKER_01: over using sex toys when, as we know, it could actually improve our sex lives?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you said it.
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  SPEAKER_00: You said society is still shaming women.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that is the entire premise around women's sexuality overall.
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  SPEAKER_00: These outdated scripts that sex is not supposed to be for women,
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  SPEAKER_00: that it's supposed to be this heterosexual center thing
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  SPEAKER_00: that centers their male partners,
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  SPEAKER_00: even in the The research that we see,
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  SPEAKER_00: we see that that is even prevalent in the research with the pleasure gap stating
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  SPEAKER_00: that people who are in heterosexual relationships or who have sex with men,
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  SPEAKER_00: they orgasm or they receive less pleasure than their male partner,
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  SPEAKER_00: specifically because of how we are not centering women's pleasure.
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  SPEAKER_00: The guilt,
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  SPEAKER_00: the embarrassment,
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  SPEAKER_00: but also there's this other thing that's coming up now because there's something
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  SPEAKER_00: that happens that you may know a lot about with women
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  SPEAKER_00: over 50 is they are really honest, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: And so they get real honest about things.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not talking, okay, I'm in good company here.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know what's going on.
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  SPEAKER_00: Women over 50 get really honest and When it comes to sex, they begin to get really honest too.
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  SPEAKER_00: However,
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  SPEAKER_00: there's still that shame because the society,
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  SPEAKER_00: we live in this whole society that tells us that sex is not for us.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not designed for us.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's an outdated script that now women over 50 are saying, you know what?
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  SPEAKER_00: I am not asexual.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are people who are asexual.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I do want to have and experience pleasurable sex.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's just a bit harder to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because of the shame and because of different things that are happening
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  SPEAKER_00: with women's bodies in this part of life.
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  SPEAKER_01: Back in my younger days,
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  SPEAKER_01: I have had partners that didn't want to bring sex toys into the bedroom.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I would say 80% of the time,
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  SPEAKER_01: I need to use sex toys with my partner in order to have an orgasm.
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  SPEAKER_01: That's like the way it goes.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's not uncommon for older women because
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  SPEAKER_01: the nerves start getting damaged and we start decreasing the sensation down there.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I don't think a lot of men,
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  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you agree with this,
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  SPEAKER_01: I don't think a lot of men realize like actually what the fuck is going on with us.
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  SPEAKER_01: And they take it personally because,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: not only is,
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  SPEAKER_01: as you acknowledge,
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  SPEAKER_01: sex oftentimes done for their pleasure because we haven't been taught that it's
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  SPEAKER_01: about our pleasure.
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  SPEAKER_01: But when we start to reclaim that pleasure,
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  SPEAKER_01: it's like, well, honey, if I'm not doing it for you, what's going on here?
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  SPEAKER_00: What I see though is,
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  SPEAKER_00: as you mentioned,
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  SPEAKER_00: a lot of people with their partners,
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  SPEAKER_00: they are feeling replaced when we're talking about sex toys.
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  SPEAKER_00: As women get older,
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  SPEAKER_00: What's happening is we're losing estrogen,
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  SPEAKER_00: we're losing all of the hormones, especially those that aid in sex, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: Those that keep us lubricated,
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  SPEAKER_00: that assist with arousal, so the estrogen, the progesterone, testosterone even.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so with that loss of the sex hormones and hormones,
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  SPEAKER_00: it creates a plethora of issues, but especially sexual issues.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sex, for some people, it becomes a bit painful, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: As you mentioned,
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  SPEAKER_00: some people lose sensation in the clitoris or the sensation is decreased,
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  SPEAKER_00: which means they need even more arousal.
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  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people haven't learned this.
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  SPEAKER_00: A lot of male partners haven't learned this.
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  SPEAKER_00: And what I'm seeing in working with couples is that it's not that male partners,
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  SPEAKER_00: they necessarily don't want to please their partners.
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  SPEAKER_00: They just become so accustomed to doing what they've always done
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  SPEAKER_00: and getting messages that they've always gotten.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so if a partner brings up a sex toy,
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  SPEAKER_00: because a lot of men think they are pleasing their partners, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of these women aren't saying anything.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so they think they are pleasing their partners.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so when they do talk about,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not orgasmic and I do need a sex toy,
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  SPEAKER_00: I need a sex aid to do that, they start to feel replaced.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so my message to them is that sex toys are not here to replace you.
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  SPEAKER_00: You put them very emotionally.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's absolutely true.
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  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely true.
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  SPEAKER_00: Do you find as well that women sometimes feel uncomfortable about using sex toys
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  SPEAKER_00: in front of their partners because...
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  SPEAKER_01: Typically, we've been taught that they're sort of self-pleasure devices.
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  SPEAKER_01: You know, I found a vibrator once years ago, like a very long time ago in my parents' drawer.
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  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you remember these hard plastic devices.
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  SPEAKER_01: I wondered if that was something that was being used on my mom's own rather than
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  SPEAKER_01: with my father, right?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I have been speaking about sex for a very long period of time.
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  SPEAKER_01: And Eve and I found it quite challenging to initially, anyway,
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  SPEAKER_01: to introduce it with a partner,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: because it was something that I did in private and I was good with that
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  SPEAKER_01: until I realized that Yeah,
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  SPEAKER_01: so bringing
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  SPEAKER_00: in a sex toy with a partner is tricky for a lot of people because,
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  SPEAKER_00: Suzanne, as you mentioned, many of us use these for self-pleasure, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: So we see these as a self-pleasure tool.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is my time.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is my thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: But also for some people,
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  SPEAKER_00: there's still that embarrassment that comes around using a sex toy and Also,
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  SPEAKER_00: some people,
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  SPEAKER_00: when they use a sex toy,
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  SPEAKER_00: like many of us, we use them for pleasure because it's going to get the job done.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know what it's going to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: It feels good.
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  SPEAKER_00: It provides the relief.
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  SPEAKER_00: It allows, it assists with orgasm.
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  SPEAKER_00: And for many people, it assists with arousal.
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  SPEAKER_00: However, some people still...
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  SPEAKER_00: Do not have that level of comfort or vulnerability in their relationship to do this
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  SPEAKER_00: in front of or with a partner.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so that is a hurdle that many people have to overcome.
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  SPEAKER_00: But as you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: when you get older,
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  SPEAKER_00: you realize like, hey,
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  SPEAKER_00: if I still want to have pleasurable sex with my partner,
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  SPEAKER_00: I've come to the realization that We need a teammate here.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this toy is our tool, our team tool, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: And so I like to help people frame this as a, this is not just a me thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is an us thing, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: So we are reframing it as an us, not a me.
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  SPEAKER_00: I always say to invite, don't surprise, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: So invite your partner in.
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't just one day you're sitting there and you pop up and you're like, guess what I got?
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  SPEAKER_00: And you got your sex.
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  SPEAKER_00: So you're like, I want you to use this on me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Put this.
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  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, wait, whoa.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
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  SPEAKER_00: And so- Definitely invite them.
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  SPEAKER_00: And you want to talk about how this is enhancing.
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  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't replace.
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  SPEAKER_00: But most specifically,
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  SPEAKER_00: your partner needs to know that if we want sex to be pleasurable for both of us,
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  SPEAKER_00: this isn't a negotiable.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is something that I need.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you care about my pleasure, then you will try it out too.
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  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_01: And that's difficult.
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  SPEAKER_01: You know, I've been with people who are like, I don't care.
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  SPEAKER_01: I don't like them.
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  SPEAKER_01: I'm not bringing them in the bedroom.
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  SPEAKER_01: They're not coming in.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
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  SPEAKER_01: And that put a huge amount of pressure,
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: to be honest,
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  SPEAKER_01: on our relationship and my ability to do something that was already quite difficult.
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  SPEAKER_01: And then have to kind of figure out, okay,
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  SPEAKER_01: how am I going to achieve this without the use of this thing,
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  SPEAKER_01: which has been my little friend for a while now.
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  SPEAKER_01: And Overcoming that initial embarrassment is one thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: So you've never considered using a toy, but now you're realizing, okay, I'm ready.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I want more pleasure.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know this is going to be helpful.
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  SPEAKER_00: And also even the research is showing us now that people
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: who are menopausal womanizer did a study and what they found is that people who use
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: the sex toy called the womanizer next,
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: they reported a decrease in their menopause symptoms and Not being able to sleep,
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  SPEAKER_00: irritability.
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  SPEAKER_00: So the mood changes and that type of stuff.
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  SPEAKER_00: The not being able to orgasm, of course.
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  SPEAKER_00: The decrease in just that overall angst.
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  SPEAKER_00: When they use this sex toy, they felt a decrease in those symptoms.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: However,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you are one of those people who are wanting to use a toy for the first time,
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  SPEAKER_00: you have to think about the type of sensation you want to feel and where you want
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  SPEAKER_00: the stimulation.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because as you mentioned, there are so many.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thinking about where you want pleasure.
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  SPEAKER_00: What I'm finding in working with clients is that people over 50,
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: they are definitely wanting less penetrative options
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  SPEAKER_00: and more clitoral stimulating options, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: So that's a starting point, knowing like, do I only want clitoral stimulation?
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  SPEAKER_00: Do I want vaginal stimulation?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want both?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are toys that do both.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so finding those toys that fit what you're looking for.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're absolutely right that some of these toys that are,
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: for me anyway,
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: that are both internal and external,
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: like the old-fashioned rabbits,
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: you know, that we first started out with, for me, that's like way too overwhelming.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: The rabbits have come a long way.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have those hard balls.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, they had those hard...
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: They were stiff.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: They've come a long way.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And also,
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: of course,
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  SPEAKER_01: the manufacturers like Womanizer,
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  SPEAKER_01: for example,
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  SPEAKER_01: and WeVibe and all the,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know, really high-end manufacturers, Lilo, Omavrod, all those people.
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  SPEAKER_01: The thing is that they're using really high-quality medical-grade silicon.
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  SPEAKER_01: And back in the old days, of course, those rabbits, man, they were made out of that horrible...
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: No, we don't.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm glad you mentioned that because not only so a lot of these,
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: you know, sex toy companies, they still market to the average 24%.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: What I like about the companies you mentioned,
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  SPEAKER_00: specifically Womanizer and WeVibe,
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  SPEAKER_00: they're doing market research with people who are actually 50 and up,
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  SPEAKER_00: people who are experiencing menopause,
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  SPEAKER_00: people who are over menopause or post-menopausal anxiety.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_00: Clitoral stimulation.
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  SPEAKER_00: Basically, the toy works as a suction on the clitoris.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have internal stimulation with the toy.
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  SPEAKER_00: It works on the outer genitalia.
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  SPEAKER_00: Basically,
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: it works on the vulva,
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: specifically the clitoris,
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: and it provides like a gentle or If you want it to be not gentle suction on
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: the clitoris.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so that actually helps with more than just sexual pleasure.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: So that stimulation actually helps to increase blood flow in the area,
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: which is something that a lot of people over 50 are having issues with when it comes
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: to arousal and when it comes to orgasm.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of people are not orgasming because they aren't aroused enough.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I have to say that Pleasure Air technology,
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: because I've been given that as a sample, is pretty intense.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Clitoral suction in the way that this is delivered absolutely does the job.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: And when I first started being given those sucking kind of toys,
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: initially I was all ready to reject them.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: I just thought, oh, there's a sucking thing going on.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's not really going to work for me.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then I tried one of these things and I was like, oh my God.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I see what's going on.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: Let's be honest, shopping for sex toys online can feel a bit chaotic.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: There's hundreds of options, weird jargon, and no real sense of where to start.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I really like GITM Playbook.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's basically the beginner's guide that actually makes things simple.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Check it out at g-i-t-m, for mmm, playbook.com.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: I just have to read a little quote.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've been reading this book,
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Maked at Our Age by Joan Price,
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: which is,
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: this is her new edition that she's got out,
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: but I have to read this because it's a really,
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: really good statistic and it's about You know,
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: there's so many benefits, which we talked about through having orgasms, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Not just with your partner,
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: but self-pleasuring is so important and a huge amount of shame around that.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: But also one of the other facts,
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: in addition to reducing menopausal symptoms,
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: is that if you're at risk of depression, it says here, that's going to be reduced.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: And people who enjoy one to three orgasms per week reduce their risk of mild
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: to moderate depression by 30%.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's humongous, right?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: So we all need to be having a lot more orgasms, ladies, generally.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: The only thing I would say about these toys,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: some of them, is that I find some of them are overcomplicated.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I find some of them are overengineered.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: They are because of,
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: you know, some of them are, especially with this, a lot of the new technology.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I do like a lot of the toys that I mentioned because they come with two buttons on them, right?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: You press them and they just go like specifically the womanizers and the weebots and
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: for the people who
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: don't like the
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: suction.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: WeVive has the wand.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's like one of the best wands ever.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like a multifunction person.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, I help people figure out other ways to use these.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And we're talking about blood flow issues.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about using this wand to increase arousal, especially if we have a partner.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Give your partner the wand and show them how to use the wand on you.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Put it in your erogenous zones.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of people like them on the breasts, right?
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: On the nipple area, in between the thighs, behind the knees, the bottom of the legs.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's soothing.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: You could use them on the bottom of the feet.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: You could use them on the neck.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so this wand is,
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: the Weebab wand is amazing and not just for sexual pleasure,
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: but also with your partner's They can use them as well on their genitals, right?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So they feel good on the glands or the head of the partner as well.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: So it's for us,
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: not just for me is the overall message when you want to introduce toys
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: to your partner.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing I love about the wand,
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: which I actually gifted to a friend who just like fell in love with it.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: She was so insanely in love with it.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: I loved it because to be honest,
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: I found the clitoral stimulation a bit overwhelming,
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: but I found like on other parts of my body, just like a massage wand.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: It was amazing.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was using it on my neck, on my shoulders and all that area.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it's an incredibly...
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: And B, you know that they're going to last.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: And C, when it's something like the wand,
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: you know that you're going to be able to use it on other parts of your body,
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: not just in a sexual way.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know,
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: if you want to give your partner like a back massage,
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: for instance,
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: you could do that with the wand before you,
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: you know, move into different types of intimacy, right?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really worth it.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Saying that, yeah, okay,
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: it's like $150 or whatever it is,
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: or maybe more than that, but it's definitely going to last you.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I always call them an investment in your pleasure.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so one thing that I am always an advocate of is prioritizing our pleasure.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we go get our hair and our nails done, right?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Go get it, girl.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Go get it.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you, you're going to like it.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: The other good thing is these sites that I mentioned,
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you are confused or you need help, they have articles on the site.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like they have write-ups about this.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can chat and find out information about it.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it makes it a bit less intimidating to actually go in and try one
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: or get information about one.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: And what about things like lubricants?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know that it's worth talking about the kind of loops that you can use
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: with these products and the kind of loops that you can't.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really important because some of them are not safe to use with toys.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am 100% an advocate for lubes.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have lube right here, right now.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have a box of lube down here because I'm always giving lube away.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you are not over 50,
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think people need to be using lube specifically because of how
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: the vagina is designed.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you've experienced micro tears,
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: even if you feel like you are as wet as the river,
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: you know, you can use a little extra lube sometimes.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: But specifically with these toys, use a water-based lube because these are silicone-based toys.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: You only want to use a water-based lube so that it doesn't break down the material itself.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of these toys have medical grade material silicone,
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: which is great because they're body safe.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: You always want to look for body safe materials.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: The Pure Lube PJUR, it's on the sites of the Weavar and Womanizer.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can find those if you are engaging in.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not using toys, they have a silicone based lube as well.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: The Pure Lube.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: That is a great option for people because it doesn't dry out as fast as the water-based lube.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's just you and your partner and y'all don't have any toys,
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: the silicone-based Pure Lubric.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're going to be using toys,
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: which are silicone-based, you only want to use a water-based lubricant.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's really important.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: I always advocate...
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Also checking what's in your lube,
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: make sure there's no glycerin in your lube,
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: which can contribute to things like thrush, for example.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: So knowing what's in your lube is also super, super important.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: But I think, again,
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: in the same way that we have to remove the shame around using sex toys,
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's almost even more shame these days about using lube.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: I even have had conversations with women that tell me they don't need it.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like...
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: There's no shame in using lube, okay?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I think in the same way that women can say to a man, oh,
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: here's a toy,
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: you use it on me,
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: if they're ashamed about actually self-pleasuring in front of their partner,
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: which can make you feel quite vulnerable if you're a person that doesn't like doing
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: that sort of thing in front of other people.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: I totally get that.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: When a man takes a bottle of lube and he just uses it without actually saying, oh,
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: it's a bit dry down there,
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: which I have heard before, it's like, honey, I didn't need to hear that.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Education goes a long way, too, with these types of situations.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people think that if they're using lube,
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: it's because they need lube,
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: because there is a defect on them or their vagina,
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: because we have all of these messages that we are supposed to just be sopping wet
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: at any time and every time.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not how we work.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: Our bodies don't work like that physiologically, right?
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the only reason why we do get wet for sex is because we are aroused.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a physiological response.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: And because we have sufficient hormones to get us there.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: As we age, we don't have those hormones anymore.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: So yes,
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: the lubricant is absolutely necessary for us to be able to experience pleasure
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: if we still want to experience pleasure.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And using lubricant does not mean that you or your partner have somehow failed
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: in attempting to Contribute to your arousal.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Using lubricant means that you all are doing a great job
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: at prioritizing your sexual pleasure though.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I can recommend vaginal estrogen enough as well
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: for just being another thing that you can go and speak to your doctor about,
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: which will increase your natural lubrication,
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: flunk up your vaginal walls, just generally make everything more pleasurable.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: But vaginal estrogen and lube together is like the dynamic duo.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's just going to give you 100% relief.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, you can never have too much.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: And the more we can...
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: And minimize the shame around all of this.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: And the more individual partners take control over this so that it doesn't become
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: the, oh, stop, we need to do this.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: But just, you know, making sure that it's on your bedside table.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you just grab it.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: The ease that becomes, I was with somebody the other day and he just passed me my vibrator.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I just thought that was so sexy.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I haven't had to ask.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: You've just given it to me.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like off you go, Ben.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Just practical tips, guys.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: Practical tips.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Take control.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like giving a woman her vibrator and saying,
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: here you go, honey, while you're having penetrative sex with her is really hot.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: You need to be able to understand like stuff like that can make
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: a woman feel really good, not like she's inadequate.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: It increases the arousal,
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: it increases desire during the moment,
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: you know, and it helps both partners in the moment.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so what we're talking about here is basically for people over 50 when it comes
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: to sex, sex is less about performance and more about pleasure.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: So we're talking more about having quality interactions with people and that's going
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: to require you if you are over 50 to redefine what sexual intimacy looks like
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: for you.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: That also might require you to redefine what overall intimacy in your relationship is.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Being seen,
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: being heard,
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: being valued,
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: being understood in the overall relationship so that that transfers
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: into relationships.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so redefining sex might say, OK, this is what it looked like for me 10, 20 years ago.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is what it looks like for me today.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm OK with that.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: I am OK with the pleasure in the way that I can receive it and the way
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: that my body likes to receive it.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm OK with that.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Such a great point.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: And what do you think is the one belief about women's sexuality after 50 that needs
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: to be completely and utterly destroyed?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: What I see is that a lot of people think that sex after 50 is less satisfying.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that can't be further from the truth.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: As we've been having this conversation, you have been talking about Satisfying sex.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: The people that I work with,
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: they have satisfying sex is that people over 50, their sexuality is not invisible.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: It does not disappear and it is not less satisfying, right?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: It can be more intentional.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: It can be more pleasurable and it can be more yours.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: You have to take control of it.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: That is a fantastic point.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for joining us.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I've got some discounts from Womanizer as well somewhere around
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_01: that I'm going to dig out for those of you who want to try the Womanizer next or
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: the Juan for instance.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: I've got some discount codes and stuff for that.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: I know that with Love Honey,
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: if you use my code ADVICE15,
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: then you get discounts on all the products on Love Honey and they sell Womanizer
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: and we buy Lube, all of it, all of it.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, you have no excuse.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_01: Christmas is not coming, but Christmas is every day when you're on Sex Advice for Seniors.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just go out and get your partner something really lovely and enjoy it together.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks so much for being on the show.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: My pleasure.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: Just a quick nudge.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: If you haven't visited SexAdviceForSeniors.com yet, what are you waiting for?
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's the place where curiosity, experience, and a little mischief all meet.