Latest / Author Hour / Maranda Dziekonski on Saying the Hard Parts Out Loud
Transcript
- speaker-0: Welcome to Author Hour. Today I am here with author Miranda Dakonsky, author of Saying the Hard Parts Out Loud, Backbones, Boardrooms, and Graceful Exits, out October 13th, 2026. Miranda, welcome to Author Hour. speaker-1: Thank you for having me. Excited to be here. speaker-0: Today we're gonna get into what your book is about, the hard parts you decided to put on the page, and what it really took to get it written. So before we get into the actual book, let's get into the opening. So you open with two hungry kids eating frozen strawberries in front of cartoons in a house in rural Michigan that didn't always have heat or running water. That kid ends up a chief customer officer in Silicon Valley. At what What point did you realize the distance between those two places was the book? speaker-1: So interestingly enough, it wasn't all at once. It was through various people hearing my story and saying, ooh, you should write a book. Even a couple of therapists that, you know, I was meeting with regularly. They're like, wow, this is like straight out of a lifetime movie. Of course, I I I cut a lot of stuff out for this book to make it more of a business memoir, but I have weaved in little tidbits to give the readers a little you know, sense of my journey and help them understand maybe where I'm coming from throughout the book. but yeah, it wasn't all at once. It's it's been over the last decade or so. speaker-0: The title, Saying the Hard Parts Out Loud, is a promise of sorts. What was the first hard part you knew for certain had to go in the book and the one you fought yourself the hardest on before leaving it in? speaker-1: I think the hardest one for me was addressing the relationship with the the my stepfather, the man I call the old man in the book. I have a very conflicted relationship with him. He's essentially the only parental figure I have at this time. And you know, we have a very complicated relationship. He was my he's been my father figure since I was four years old. And I really grappled with how to talk about that relationship. And I I thought about taking it out and then I added it back in. So it was a lot of back and forth. But honestly, a lot of what makes me good at my job comes from him. But also what, you know, has created this conflict in me also comes from him. So, you know, I have to recognizing all those things can be true at the same time was a really hard reckoning for me. speaker-0: What about the easiest thing to put in the book? What was so straightforward that you knew immediately this has to go in? speaker-1: My experience at a company company named Swiftly. It's one of the few companies in the book that I don't fictionalize. I don't change the name of the players in the story. I had such a great run there, four years, fantastic humans. It was one of the few places in my journey I felt like I really belonged. And I wanted to give it the honor it deserved. And that team deserves because they've created something very intentional there. And I knew that that had to be part of the narrative and story. speaker-0: Walk us through the core framework. What is saying the hard parts out loud actually mean? speaker-1: I mean, we all have these hard things that make us who we are, whether that's, you know, as I call it out in a book, whether that, you know, comes to life in a shack in rural Michigan, or maybe you've had to change the direction of your career unexpectedly, or whatever obstacle you've encountered, you know, this is really what saying the hard parts out loud is all about. It's my journey from my perspective and the various experiences I've had, the lessons I've learned. And honestly, some of these things don't make me look so good. Like being an early young leader, how I handled exit a team member, I look back on that with, you know, great regret, but also great learning. And that's really what this is about. Me being a little raw and and quite frankly, naked in in front of my peers in front of, you know, anyone who picks this book up for me to share that my journey has not been a success only journey. I think that a lot of leaders like to portray themselves as this is a success only or maybe not intentionally, but they do portray themselves as this is a success only path. And the reality is, is that's just not factual for a lot of us, including myself. speaker-0: That's perfectly leading into my next question. So you've said this isn't a playbook for getting everything right, but an honest or like you said, naked look at what happens behind the titles and the polished biographies. So why did the version with the flaws, with the vulnerability left in matter more to you than a cleaner story? speaker-1: I have always been somebody who's very candid, direct, transparent, good, bad, or indifferent. And I wanted this to be a true reflection again from my perspective of what I've encountered and and what I've learned along the way. And and in some regards I'm hoping some of the team members that maybe I exited or I I didn't manage in the way that I probably should have earlier in my career pick it up and see some insights and maybe provide them some perspective into what those experiences were from my end, but also maybe what I've learned since then and some of the things that I I do differently. It's a that's a very tough question, Lex, that you're asking me, right? So it's yeah. Yeah, that one's a hard one. speaker-0: Yeah, I mean you answered it perfectly. One chapter is called Grind and Grace. And the line that comes out of it is that the life you're living now didn't come from being fearless. It came from learning to carry your fear and move anyway. Walk me through the moment that taught you that. speaker-1: had so many of those moments in my life. You know, as I talk about when I was 14 and asked my aunt if I could move in with her. I was almost 17. I was sixteen and a half ish and I went out on my own. I don't touch upon this in the book, but I went out on my own and was paying rent, paying bills, working at a restaurant, going to school. And that was a one of those big moments. And then I think one of the biggest moments was, and I talk about this in the book, that decision to move west as a young single mom with a kid, you know, to move to an area that I really didn't know a lot of people. I had a few people here I knew. I was terrified. I knew the cost of living in California was through the roof. But I also knew that the opportunities here were plenty. And that it would open up doors that were not even in my realm by moving myself there for me and also for my son at that time. So that that is a true example of being afraid, but still moving forward. I I encounter this all the time. And I think many of us do if we look at it. there's nothing brave about it. Sometimes it's your circumstances. That you're like, I have to change something and I'm going to just push through the fear. speaker-0: So you treat resilience as a skill, not necessarily a personality trait, something built through hard things, not around hard things. So for the reader who thinks they just can't get there, how do you convince them otherwise? speaker-1: We all have this ability in us, and I believe this, to overcome the hurdles that are put in front of us. Sometimes though it takes having the right team behind you, surrounding yourself with the right humans to cheerlead you on, or honestly, just betting on yourself and in taking that leap, knowing that you could fail, but that's okay. You may learn a lot. To show us what we are capable of and what's possible. And that's the way I kind of think about resilience. How quickly do we give up when things get hard? Or, you know, how do we think about our next step when it's not clear? Do we let it paralyze us? Or do we use that as a catalyst to keep moving forward? And I believe initially it can be paralyzing for everyone. regardless of how strong you are or how much you've already overcome, but it is like a mental game to tell yourself, okay, I I've now licked my wounds. Now it's time to move forward. What is that next step? And I think a lot of people are encountering this in the job market, quite frankly, getting, you know, a rejection after rejection after rejection. And trying to really feel out what do I what do I do here? What do I do next? And giving up is never the option, right? So it it's it's you can apply it to all circumstances, but that's the way I think about it. speaker-0: Yeah, it sounds like almost a trust exercise with yourself where I can do hard things because I've done hard things. And I I really love that that bridge that gets built over time. speaker-1: Absolutely. speaker-0: So a whole thread of this book is the graceful exit, knowing when to leave a job, a room, a relationship, ambition, you write, can convince you to stay somewhere you've already outgrown. How do you tell the difference between quitting too early and staying too long? speaker-1: Very hard and it's going to be different for every individual. I personally am a big pro-con list writer. So I do like to sit down and just fact gather whatever that looks like for you. But fact gather. But for me personally, I will find that I will stay sometimes too long because the humans around me, I adore them and I I want to be with them and continue to build with them. But Pausing to look at the facts and figure out am I still aligned with the mission, with the vision, with the customers we're serving, with the product direction? And if the answer is not yes, then it paints a picture for me that, okay, I might not be the right leader for this next phase. And in most of these companies, too, this helps me. I'm usually a shareholder of some sort. So I also ask myself: am I the CCO? Or am I the VP or am I the team member that I would want to bring this to the next level to help create more value? And I I have on occasion found that no, I'm I'm not. I'm no longer like I'm no longer as motivated by this vision or whatever it may be. And then on a a personal level, I think it's a it's harder. It's a little less about facts. Don't get me wrong, you can still sit down and do your fact gathering. But I have on many occasions left relationships behind, whether it's friendships where I didn't feel like I could be myself or I found myself shrinking within my skin to conform to that their environment, or other relationships where it was just time. The happiness factor was not there. I'm not saying I give up. That's not the case. I want to be clear. I've been with my husband 15 years, right? That's definitely not the case. But I think we all, if we sit and pause and think for a minute and think back on our history of relationships, whether it's with work, friendships, or otherwise, sit and really think about the moment you knew it was time to go. You will start to see certain trends that will arise for you too. and what you value. And what you value will be very different than what I value or what your friends value. And that's that's good. It's kind of like a know thyself moment, right? And the the deeper you dig in and get to know yourself, the easier it is for you to tell when it's time. speaker-0: Yeah. So it sounds like a lot of self-awareness and a lot of self-reflection. Speaking of those two things, you also talk about the cost of silence, that every time we don't say the hard thing, we're making a choice. What did staying quiet cost you before you learn to say it out loud? speaker-1: Well, sometimes it is right to stay silent, to be clear. But it doesn't mean it doesn't come without a cost. Right. And sometimes that cost is to yourself, to your mental health, to your physical health, to the health of those around you if you're in a leadership role. And sometimes when you sp sometimes you have to be very deliberate around when you can and should speak up and say the hard parts out loud. I don't want people to mistake what I'm saying in this book as we all should just, you know, if it comes into your mind, say it, right? There are times when you do have to take that extra step to understand what is your goal, what are you looking to achieve in this relationship or in this moment? And is it beneficial to speak up? But the reminder is there is a cost. There is a cost both ways. And There is a moment I talk about in the book where I was at an organization where I was watching a leader, a very senior leader, treat people poorly. And I was at an executive level in this organization. And I knew that I couldn't be the change maker in this particular situation because this person carried a very high title. And there was no way I was going to be able to change the behavior of this person. But I also knew that if I didn't either speak up or exit, I was becoming complicit. So that was the cost in that moment. That was the cost. That was me saying, I am okay with this behavior or I'm not and I'm gonna leave. Right. But there's always a cost. speaker-0: Yeah. Interesting. So you also write about belonging, learning you deserve to be in rooms you once thought were built for other people. What finally changed that belief for you? And what do you want it to change for the reader who feels like an outsider at their workplace right now? speaker-1: I will always weave in and out of confidence. It is something that I'm gonna have to navigate forever. And those that read my book, you'll get a little bit of insight into why I will always weave in and out of confidence. I remember initially coming to Silicon Valley and I was sitting around tables with folks with degrees from Harvard and Stanford and these really impressive places. Don't get me wrong, these humans are wildly talented. Wildly talented, but I would sit quietly because I didn't think I had enough to add. I didn't have that pedigree. And I think there were multiple moments that helped me change that thought process. One, when I started proving myself and my role and delivering my numbers and just getting the kudos, I was like, okay, okay, maybe I maybe I can do this. Maybe I do belong here. But two, changing the dialogue in my head and understanding that humans are perfectly imperfect, no matter where they grew up, what background, what education. Like it was a big like change in mindset for me from going from being just you know super wowed to huh, it doesn't matter if you are an executive at this massive tech company. Or one at a little one. It doesn't matter if you have a degree from, you know, a Ivy League school or one that accepts you if you have a pulse. We are all on this journey together. And we're all perfectly imperfect together. And we each can bring something amazing to, you know, building teams and moving companies forward. And the minute I shifted my thinking, it's crazy how different I looked. at the room and where I belonged in it. speaker-0: Yeah. So picture the person you wrote this book for. What is that profile like? Who did you keep in mind as you wrote this book? speaker-1: It's there's so many people. So the young single mom who is trying to figure out where the next meal is going to come from. You know, I was on public assistance when my son was born, working at a bank, trying to make ends meet, knowing that I came from there and I have done okay. Hopefully that gives somebody inspiration to know that no matter what they're going through, no matter how tough their childhood was. You might have to work a little bit harder because you're not usually starting from zero, you're starting from negative twenty. But like, don't give up. That work will get you. It will pay off if you if you keep at it. Also, maybe somebody who's trying to think about their leadership style and, you know, where they want to evolve and go to next as a leader. Anyone who's interested in some fun stories that happened here in Silicon Valley. there's a little bit of juiciness in there. I of course had to change a lot just to protect the innocent, but there's some juiciness in there. Anyone who's just likes a good story of somebody who has overcome a lot. Like there's so many people that this was written for. speaker-0: Pictur reader in mind, when they finish the book, if they kept only one thing, what do you hope it is that they keep from the book? speaker-1: Yeah, that no matter what obstacles come their way, they can overcome them. It is so hard sometimes to remember that in the moment. When you are going through it, when you're in the muck of it, it is sometimes so hard to remember this too shall pass. And when it does, you're gonna be so much stronger for this. It's hard to say that because some of the the trials and tribulations are big. But It will and you will be. Like that is that is something I would love for folks to take away. speaker-0: That's amazing. And that's exactly what I took away. That's exactly what I imagine everyone would take away from this because you were able to be so real on that page, like we talked about. So shifting gears a little bit into the book creation process, you've been on hundreds of stages, podcasts, everything like that. And you have told these stories out loud so many times. But what was different about committing them to the page for the book? speaker-1: Yeah, to be clear, I haven't talked about this a lot publicly, only a handful of times. The first time I got on stage and shared a picture of the shack I grew up in was on a stage in London in twenty twenty-two. Mm-hmm. And I talk about it in the book that the room went silent. There were hundreds of people sitting there, and the room was silent. And then I walked through kind of how I grew up and the lessons I learned along the way. And I thought I was Bombing because everybody was so quiet. And they came up, then many people came up to me afterwards and they said, We didn't realize there was poverty like this in the United States, and like all kinds of like great stories about you know struggles in childhood and adulthood and all of that. What's different about writing this as one instead of speaking it is folks can't hear my voice, so I can't. I can't add that extra level explainer. It's like whatever I put on paper, it's gonna be read in someone else's voice. And I don't know how they're gonna interpret everything. There's something terrifying about that. So it made me respect authors that have put their personal stories out there much more. Now I know how like how cathartic, but also terrifying it is to do that. And I'm excited. I it's kind of like I'm holding my breath again, just like I did on that stage in twenty twenty two to see how people are gonna react. To see and I've gotten I've I've had some, you know, pre-readers and they've all reached out and they've given me really positive feedback, but now it's like the greater world, like putting my piece of myself out there forever. speaker-0: Yeah, there's something so final about a book, which is such a good thing. I mean, you get to put a period at the end of a sentence, but you also, like you said, you're putting it down and then you're releasing it into the world. And that is vulnerable and and terrifying. So you've you've said you didn't write this from a mountaintop, that you're still actively living the story. How do you write honestly about a life you haven't finished living with with no tidy ending to land on quite yet? speaker-1: It's hard, of course, to figure out where do you draw the line, where do you stop. But I think it's exactly that, saying I didn't write this from a mountaintop, I'm still living it. That way the reader knows that this is ongoing, that this is the this the trials and tribulations that I talk about, many of them are in my rear rear view mirror, right? Many of them are in my rear, but they're always part of me, as will be the experiences I have in the future. To be clear. I will go through many more obstacles. That's life. but I think knowing that I've made it through these, the the next obstacles willing, like the the universe willing, should feel just like hopefully a a s a speed bump and and not like a crater. speaker-0: Yeah. I mean, it's it's that resilience we talked about, that trust exercise. You've been able to build so much trust with yourself that you can look ahead and and know that you can handle what you need to handle. So thinking about the book creation process, was there anything that surprised you about how a book gets made? Maybe something you didn't see coming until you were in it? speaker-1: I had no idea about all the little things that the decisions I would have to make. Everything from do you want white paper to what is the other option? Like a cream. Yeah. In you know, the the photos and the picking of the cover and the design of the cover and the bios and the like it's a process. It's a full process and I always thought, you know, it's about putting words on paper, which it is. But there's so much more to it than just putting words on paper. And that was a big learning for me. and then also I would say how fun it would be to get the actual book in the mail. Yeah. See? speaker-0: There we go. speaker-1: Yeah. Like I it was so surreal when the box came and I opened it up and there were these books. And then the last one's kind of a silly one, but I have given out some books already and people asked me to sign them. And I was like, you want me to sign your book? I don't think of myself in that regard. Like it doesn't sit that I I'm an author. Yeah. And first of all, my handwriting is terrible. no. Like a couple people like, will you write me a personal note? I know them pretty well. I'm like, I sat there and it it was like, holy smokes, there there's there are 50,000 words in here, but how do I come up with 10 to 20 to write a personal note and make it l legible? Yeah. It's silly, but like speaker-0: No, the pressure's on. The pressure's on. Yeah. that's funny. Well, what is the best piece of advice that you got during the book creation process? Either about the writing or just about telling your truth to the public? speaker-1: I had so much advice. You know, I think marketing, getting comfortable with marketing myself, I still am not comfortable with it. I need to get over that. I write all the time on LinkedIn, but I usually write about business stuff. So I'm giving away free information to people. I have a pretty big following on LinkedIn at right under 40,000 people. And it's usually I write about tech, I write about customer success, I write about, you know. leadership, never about myself. And one of I think the biggest points of advice someone gave to me who's written multiple books said, you've got to get over that. You've done something cool. Now feel good about c you know, feel good about sharing it with the world and talking about yourself. It's something I'm going to probably be working on over the next, you know, few weeks and months, marketing my book and marketing myself and my story. So speaker-0: You're not alone. There's so many authors that find that exact thing so difficult because it's it's the same idea of the book being deeply part of you. And that's beautiful about the book, but then it's also overwhelming to then have to market your heart on your sleeve in this way. It's so it's so different than what a lot of people are used to, where they're just like, Here are my thoughts on this and here's my opinion. But it's like, no, here are my deep feelings on the page and now I have to promote it to you. Right. speaker-1: It's like, here's the standard operating procedure on how to do blah. No problem. I'll write that all day long. Hey, look at my book. Feels weird. speaker-0: Personal. Yeah. Deeply personal. So to the leader sitting on their own hard story, convinced that nobody wants to hear it, or just not feeling like they're ready to put words to what they want to say, what would you say to them to get them to start their own book? speaker-1: Write it for yourself first because there's something super cathartic in getting those words on the paper. And then when you put it out there, the mindset is if you even help one or two people, that's a win. And I guarantee there are one or two people out there that want to hear your story. speaker-0: Yeah, the story that nobody else can write, right? Right. speaker-1: Exactly. speaker-0: So you spent twenty years saying the quiet parts out loud in boardrooms. Now you've said them in a book. Did getting it out change what you want to do next? Maybe another book? What what are the next steps for you? speaker-1: I don't know. I I I need to think that through. Yeah, I I I mean, maybe another book. Let me let me figure that part out. But I think it would be more of a business book. but for now, just getting to I don't know, like live this journey and feel this moment. I think that's what I wanna focus on right now. speaker-0: But enjoy it. speaker-1: I I was thinking about this and I I I'm like This is like out of the accomplishments or things that I'm very proud of. Number one is my son. Number two is meeting my husband and marrying my husband. And I think really close to number three is going to be this book because it's it's quite a feat. speaker-0: It is, it's a hard thing that you've done and now you get to enjoy being finished with that hard thing and you get to launch it and see the world react to it, which I mean, I hope makes all that work worth it. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. I I hope. speaker-0: Yes. Yes. Just enjoy it. Let yourself enjoy it. I always tell authors like this is this is your moment. This launch is I mean, the only time you're gonna launch your first book ever and just sit with it and and let yourself be so proud because you should be so proud. speaker-1: you that's so kind of you. I appreciate that. speaker-0: Absolutely. So saying the hard parts out loud is out October thirteenth, meaning it's available when this episode airs. So where should people buy it and where should they go to keep up with you? speaker-1: Head on Amazon. So Amazon's a great place to go buy it. And thank you in advance for those that do buy it. You do not know how much it means to me and how much I appreciate that. And if you want to keep up with me, you can follow me on LinkedIn. If you read my book, feel free to reach out and send me a message on LinkedIn. Happy, I'll I'll reply. Might take me a little bit because my inbox is a big mess there, but I usually make it through my messages. I'll definitely reply. But but yeah, those two places. speaker-0: Perfect. Well, thank you so much, Miranda. I can confidently say on behalf of a lot of leaders out there who've needed permission to say the hard thing, that we cannot wait for this book to be in people's hands. Thank you for coming on Author Hour. speaker-1: Thank you.