Latest / The Road Doc Podcast / Parent–Child Bonds: Love, Expectation, and Pressure

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Parent–Child Bonds: Love, Expectation, and Pressure · The Road Doc Podcast

• 0:01
  We are born into families, but we don't choose them.
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  We inherit love, history, expectations, and sometimes
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  wounds. Today we begin Season 5 of the
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  Road Talk podcast. The family dynamics.
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  The roots of who we are and we start with something universal.
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  The bond between parents and children.
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  Hello everyone this is Rd. Doc Doctor Mohan.
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  In this season I am here to not to analyze someone else's family
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  problems or my own family problems, but instead I reflect
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  on what I have seen as a doctor, as a listener to fellow human
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  beings and with their stories that they have shared with me
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  and so on and so forth. So families ships us, sometimes
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  gently, sometimes very painfully, and most often
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  unconsciously. Today's episode is about parent
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  child bonds, love, expectations and pressure.
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  So I would like to suggest all my subscribers and followers
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  here to let's just do not come to conclusions right away by
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  what I am trying to share with you.
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  Rather, I would love to like just sit down and listen to the
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  side of the stories so that you will have a clear moral
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  understanding. This episode is not to blame
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  anyone, neither the parent nor the children, but trying to, you
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  know, navigate as much as we can with the given insights of how I
• 2:46
  see life and how I share. If you feel like you would like
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  to share something, feel free to comment down in your favorite
• 2:56
  platforms. Like to hear your opinions as
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  well-being said, let us start with a patient story that I had
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  seen this in clinical settings and I would like to also tell
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  something else. I would not like to go deeper,
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  deeper, deeper into medical stuff because I know most people
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  will get poured right away which I do not want to.
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  So I will like to keep it as normal as possible with using
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  only normal communication languages so that everyone can
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  understand irrespective or from medical background or not.
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  So that sounds good for everyone.
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  So yeah, this is the patient story.
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  This was a student who is like somewhere in their grade 11 or
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  something waiting for results, right?
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  So the student came to a hospital stating he is having a
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  heart attack, kind of a feelings.
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  We were surprised. We asked how old are you like
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  basic data and stuff. You are too aimed to have a
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  heart attack. What's happening?
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  And he was saying my chest is feeling heavy and so on and so
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  forth. Then then we understood.
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  Then the parents were just beside him and they were telling
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  like he was all good. I don't know, Maybe exams are
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  coming. Maybe he is stressed.
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  We don't know what He was all good.
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  We don't have any history of heart attacks in our family.
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  But he's complaining of all these things and we don't know.
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  OK. Then we understood the problem
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  right away and we asked the parents to step out.
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  We would like to talk to your kid.
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  And then we talked to the kid. After talking to the kid, we
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  realized the fact that this kid is a brilliant kid.
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  I mean, we don't need to judge. He is top student, whatever we
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  call it. He is absolutely extraordinary
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  in whatever he does. But recently the parents on the
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  kid had conversations about results and about getting top
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  ranks and top things and all those things before like few
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  weeks before the exams and stuff.
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  So now what just happened was in his mind he was like the
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  pressure just build up. Like he is having chronic
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  headaches and panic attacks and anxiety attacks.
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  You know why? The pressure just build up in
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  his head a lot, a lot that he cannot even focus on anything.
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  He said I was not able to eat. I was not able to focus all
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  these things. And slowly into the conversation
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  we came to know that all he is feeling is anxiety, pressure
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  from their own parents, that now their parents he is worried what
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  if his results is not so great and their parents expectations
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  are very high so that their parents will start treating him
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  in a different way or they might be very disappointed, so on and
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  so forth. So now instead of focusing on
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  the exams, this kid is particularly focusing on
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  impressing their own parents. And that's when it hit the
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  thing. Love was present, but so was the
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  pressure. Now the pressure took away his
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  brain right away. And that build, it took time for
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  him to build. And the more expectations has
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  been increased, the pressure also increased and now he is
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  more worried about the result than actually focusing on what
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  he needs to do. And we do not need to judge the
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  kid because there is a kid, he is just not getting through the
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  life. But the funniest thing is now
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  the parents needs more counseling than the kid.
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  This is the actual funniest thing because instead of
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  encouraging and telling the kid that you do your best, leave the
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  rest, we will see what happens. Instead they had kept a high
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  stakes because we are giving you this, we are providing you this,
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  we are doing that. So now what is happened was
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  instead of enjoying the process, the kid is completely focused on
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  the outcome, outcome, outcome only.
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  And who did this knowingly or unknowingly?
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  Parents So after sometime we called the parents and we said
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  the problem is not your kid the problem is you parents were like
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  what? We have the problem we did
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  everything we gave him everything.
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  When when what like we are like we told them listen to this very
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  carefully. I know this might sound
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  something not you wanna hear, but you are actually putting a
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  lot of pressure on your kid at this point of time through your
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  expectations. The more you have expectations
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  on your kid. I mean you can have
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  expectations, but if you tell your kid like you have to do
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  this, you have to do that and we expect this, we expect that.
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  Then in his head the pressure just build up.
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  Now he is always constantly thinking about results rather
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  than focusing on what he needs to do and so on and so forth.
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  So the better way is to have a conversation with your kid
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  saying results are not that important only the important
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  thing is you do your best and leave their eyes none.
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  Automatically the pressure goes naturally down and the kid will
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  perform better because there was number pressure.
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  He will enjoy the process no matter what the outcome.
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  And then the grade might be even better than you expected.
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  And see, that's the thing parents needs to know at that
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  point since the parents are really good and he is kind of
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  lucky. The parents instantly realized
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  and they were like walk OK, we understood what's happening and
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  they had a conversation with the kid right away in few minutes.
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  And they said son don't worry about the results and stuff.
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  Don't need to put that much of pressure.
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  We just want you to succeed in like that's all.
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  Even if you don't, it's still completely fine.
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  You just try. And then just in few minutes,
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  his face went from sad and very, what you call are pretty much
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  drenched into that sadness to suddenly his eyes got lit up.
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  And that's the magic that happened.
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  And I hope that kid scored a good grade.
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  And that's how we solve that problem right away here.
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  The important thing is even though it's your own kid, the
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  moment you start putting pressure on something that they
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  cannot control because we need to keep in mind we can have a
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  complete control on our efforts. True, but no one has the control
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  over the outcome because why? I am not blaming kid here or I
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  am not trying to blame parents either, but you know much better
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  than the kid taking the age factor here.
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  So if you being a parent, tell your kid that grades are more
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  important and this is more important, you are
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  subconsciously putting or unconsciously putting a lots of
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  pressure on to him and knowingly or unknowingly you are.
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  You are becoming the reason why he is going to fail.
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  So that's why it's very necessary to understand parents
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  needs to focus whether your kid is doing their job or not, like
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  they are putting their efforts or not.
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  That's all outcomes never in our hands.
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  I will give another example for the parents not to blame you or
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  not to judge you, but to just understand you.
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  There are so many richest people in the world and also not so
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  richest people, right? Whatever category you are right
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  now in, if I ask your, you ask yourself this question.
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  On the flip side of this question, if you are rich, then
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  asks this like if you are not so rich at this point of time or if
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  you are super, super rich, then if you ask why are you super,
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  super rich? Or if you are not so super rich,
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  if you ask why are you not so super rich, I mean you can tell
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  I worked hard for this and I became rich 11 outcome and you
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  can, there will be another two. I worked hard yet I was not able
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  to become rich. That is also a possibility.
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  And the other one I did not work hard at all.
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  So I did not become anything. So now I might be not rich.
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  So something like that, you analyze the situations based on
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  wherever you stand and ask that opposite kind of a question.
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  Now you will understand why because you can keep full
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  efforts and yet you remain the same or yet you might not
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  achieve your desired result. That is a possibility.
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  You cannot change or comprehend the outcome.
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  Isn't it the same way goes with your kids as well?
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  They will put the efforts but they don't have anything over
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  their outcome. That's all I'm trying to say.
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  I'm not trying to blame you on trying to make you analyze the
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  situation it comes with, because why I'm telling to the parents
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  is very simple here. Your kids are just fresh there.
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  They just arrive to this place and they are trying to navigate
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  through life along the way. Mistakes will happen, that's
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  part of life. And if you start judging them
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  based on all their mistakes, you are ruining your own child's
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  mental health. And once that's gone, now you
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  have a bigger problem to deal with rather than grades and
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  other things. See now from one thing to other
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  thing, how things went. S Yeah.
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  So be careful. That's all I am trying to say.
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  And kindly analyze the situation based on where you are.
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  And take gentle actions, not like do not add pressure.
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  Just focus on efforts, whether your care is putting efforts or
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  not. That's all I want to say.
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  Not to blame anyone, but yeah, there you go.
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  Now let's reflect on love versus control because this is
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  something I see again and again. Parents, most often, they act
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  from fear, not from malice. Fear that their child will
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  struggle, fear that they will be judged by the society, fear that
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  they didn't do enough. And what this fear is causing,
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  you know this fear even though they allow their kid, it starts
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  being from love to control. The moment it starts controlling
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  that becomes burden for your kid right away.
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  Yeah, that is true. Because the moment your love
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  turns into control, it stops become nursery and starts
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  becoming a burden. That is a problem that you might
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  not see it because you are acting out of fear.
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  The moment the fear takes over, the outcome will be always may
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  be sometimes or most probably most of the time it is going to
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  be negative because now the pressure automatically increases
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  for both of you. So a healthy parent child born
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  should always feel like a safety net, but not like a leash.
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  I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
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  I'll repeat this one more time. A healthy parent child born
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  should feel like a safety net, not like a leash.
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  As a children we internalize this dynamic as we begin to ask,
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  am I loved for who I am or for what I achieve right?
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  If that question comes into your kids mind, trust me, you will
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  have a negative results of everything from that point with
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  your child, with your relation with your child and so on and so
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  forth. So the perspective from love
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  changes from completely control and the moment they feel like
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  you are controlling them, everything goes out.
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  So from my lens, from the life perspective, life as a journey,
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  right? I often think it like life, like
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  a long ride, right? Like your parents may start as a
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  man, but eventually you have to hold the handlebars yourself.
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  You know, that doesn't actually mean you are rejecting them.
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  That simply means you are learning to steer your own path
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  with this so-called life. And you can do that by, you
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  know, having some respect, clarity and boundaries.
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  And you know, you get my point right here.
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  The goal is not our billion itself, more of an authorship,
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  right? I hope you understand my point
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  very clearly and here is my take away for my listeners.
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  From where you are or if you are watching this, if you are
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  listening and this resonate with you, ask yourself these three
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  questions. Number one, do I feel loud or
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  monitored? This for the gates #2 do I feel
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  guided or controlled #3 do I feel supported or pressured
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  here? There are no right answers, just
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  honest ones. So you need to sit down with
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  yourself and ask yourself these three questions.
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  You will understand where you are in your life at this point
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  of time. And this is like
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  self-explanatory questions for your own good.
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  Take your time, think through and answer those questions very,
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  very brutally honestly to yourself.
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  That's all. It's actually matters.
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  Now we come to the end of this episode.
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  So yeah, guys, this is just a beginning of the Season 5, OK?
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  In the next episode we will explore even much, much more.
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  So I hope I did not bore you with more of these things.
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  And that is why I did not want to touch the scientific facts,
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  because the more I incorporate scientific facts and most people
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  will be bored right away. So because I am going to use
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  some medical terms and stuff which most people will be like
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  what the hell this guy is saying we don't even understand
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  anything kind of thing. But anyways, I'm not going to
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  bore you all with that. But I can tell you this is just
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  the beginning of season 5 and in next episodes we gonna explore a
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  lot of things that's gonna come. So until then, right safe, think
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  clearly and remember your roots matter but your wings matter
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  too. This is Rd. doc signing off Take
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  care.