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Say I Love You More: From Grief to Living Without Regret · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the Diva
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Detail, where bold, confident women embrace life
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unapologetically. From love and sex to wellness
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and reinvention, we keep it raw, real,
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and powerful. No filters, no limits,
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just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
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Let's dive in with Diva Mia.
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Hello, beautiful people. This is Diva Mia. Today I wanted
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to talk to you a little bit about what's going on in life regarding all
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the funerals that start to happen in your midlife that you may not
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have been accustomed to when you were younger. I opened my phone last week and
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scrolled through my feed and a funeral announcement happened. A please keep your—
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our family in your prayers and a photo of someone's mom
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with 2 dates under her name, her birth and her death. Somewhere in there
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I realized I hadn't seen a baby announcement in a long time. I think
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what happens is as we get older, we don't realize that we're transitioning into the
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latter part of our lives and there's going to be more deaths. When did this
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happen? When did the invitations change from baby showers and weddings to
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celebrations of life and funerals? Today we're going to have a real
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conversation. It's one most of us avoid until we can't avoid it anymore.
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We're talking about being in your 50s and realizing the people
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around you are starting to leave— friends, parents,
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even people who you thought would always be a phone call away. I lost
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my father last year. This is not a sad episode, I promise. It's about
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what loss can teach us about living and how to grieve without
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getting stuck, how to stretch both the length and the quality
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of the life you have left, and how to make sure the people you
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love actually know it today while they can still hear you. I think
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sometimes we forget that. I think sometimes we forget to tell people
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that we love them. So grab your coffee, your tea, or your tissues,
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and let's get into the details. This is the season in life that nobody
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really talks about or warns you about. In our 20s, we went to weddings almost
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every summer, sometimes once a month. In our 30s,
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it was baby showers and first birthday parties. In our 40s,
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we were so busy with kids, careers, carpools, aging parents,
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we kept meaning to visit more. Then 50 showed up,
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and the calendar starts filling up with funerals, and you're like, oh my goodness.
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And it's only going to increase as you get older. My father's funeral was
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a shock. It came out of nowhere. It's the first parent I lost,
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and I know a lot of you out there have probably already lost parents.
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If you haven't lost a parent yet, you're probably watching them slow down a little
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bit. Maybe you're driving them to appointments. Maybe you're taking
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care of them. A lot of people in our 50s are taking care of our
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parents after our children leave. Now we're taking care of our parents. Maybe you're the
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one making the medical calls now. Maybe you're the one handling the estate.
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The roles flip and nobody hands you a manual. If you've already lost
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one or both your parents, there's a strange new feeling that comes with it.
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You're next in line. You're the older generation now. That one
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sneaks up on you. And then there are the friends. When a friend
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our age dies, it hits a little different. It's someone who laughed at the same
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jokes, lived through the same decades, and had the same plans
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for someday. That's when the math gets real. You start doing
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it in your head. If I'm 50, and I'm lucky enough to get
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to 80, that's 30 more summers, 30 Christmases,
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maybe 30 more trips to see the people I love if I actually
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plan them. 30 sounds like a lot until you remember how fast
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that last 30 went, how fast the last year went, what you did
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in the last year and how quickly it fades. Facing the clock without getting
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stuck in the muck is important. Here's what I've noticed.
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When death starts showing up more often, people tend to go
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one of two ways. Some people freeze. Every funeral becomes a
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reminder of their own. They start living smaller and more cautiously. They stop
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planning trips because who knows? They talk about their health problems
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more than their dreams. They get stuck. And being stuck is
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what I call being stuck in the muck. I don't want to get stuck.
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Stuck to me is, is a slow death. Other people wake
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up. The same funeral that scares one person lights a fire under
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another. They book the trip. They call their sister they haven't talked to
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in 2 years to make sure that they can communicate with them still. They finally
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write the book book that they wanted to write. It's the same loss, but it's
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a completely different response. They decide that living is more important than
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slowly dying. So how do you become the second person?
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First, let yourself feel it. Staying positive doesn't
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mean you get to skip the grief. Grief is important. If you don't
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let the grief out, sometimes you store it internally. I'm guilty of that.
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If you stuff it down, it comes out sideways as irritability, exhaustion,
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numbness, and sometimes disease. Cry in the car. Tell a
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friend you're sad. Grief is love with nowhere to
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so let it go somewhere. I think men sometimes are even worse at
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this because they don't want to grieve. They don't want to feel. They want to
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just bottle it all down until it explodes. The second
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thing you need to do is notice when grief turns into fear. Missing someone is
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grief. Constantly worrying about who's next or checking
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every ache for something serious is fear. Grief honors
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the person you lost, but fear steals the days you still have left. And sometimes
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it's a wake-up call. Every time I leave a funeral now,
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I ask myself one question. If this were my service, would I be
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at peace with how I spent the past year? If the answer is
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no, I change something that week, not someday, this week or
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today. You don't have to be cheerful about death, but you can decide
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that every loss will make you live more fully instead of less.
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There's a woman named Bronnie Ware. She spent years as
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a palliative care worker, caring for people in the last weeks
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of their lives. She sat with them, listened to them, and wrote down what they
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told her. She then shared those conversations in a blog post
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that went viral and later turned it into a book called The Top 5 Regrets
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of Dying. I want you to really listen to these because nobody on
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that list was wishing for a bigger house. Number 1, they wish
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they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life
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others expected of them. That was the most common one.
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People looked back and saw dreams they never even tried, goals they
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never achieved. Because they were busy meeting other people's expectations.
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The second thing is they wish they hadn't worked so hard.
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They miss their kids growing up. They miss time with their spouse or their partner.
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They thought there would be time later. That never came.
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The third thing is they wish they had the courage to express their feelings and
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tell people how they really felt. So many people have kept quiet to keep the
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peace. They swallowed the I love you, the I'm sorry, and that
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hurt me, and they carried all of it into the end.
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And that's the saddest part. Is they never got to tell those that they love
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they love them. They never got to say sorry to the ones they wanted to
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talk to because they were too big in their ego. Number 4
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is, I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
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In those final weeks, people wanted their old friends back.
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Many couldn't find them anymore. Life got busy and the friendships
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slipped away without anyone really deciding
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to let them go. So when you have friends from high school,
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from college, Have you reached out? Have you reached out in
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the last decade, let alone in the last year? Number 5 was,
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I wish I had let myself be happier. This one
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gets me. It really does, because a lot of times people
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don't— they're not happy because they're always striving for something more.
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Many people didn't realize until the end that happiness was a choice.
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They could have happiness in the journey, not just the final destination.
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And they stayed in old patterns because they were comfortable,
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even when they were not happy. And sometimes in order to grow, we have
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to stretch ourselves. Did you catch it? Not one of them said, I wish I'd
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made more money. Not one said, I wish I'd worked more weekends.
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Almost every regret is about love, courage, and connection.
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Some people regretted losing their one.
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Some people regretted not having the courage to take on that new challenge.
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And some people missed the connection to their friends. They wish
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they had loved more openly and lived more honestly. And here's
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the good news: if you're listening to this, you still have time to avoid every
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single one of those regrets. When it's someone close— going
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to a funeral for an acquaintance is one thing, but when it's someone close,
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losing someone who is woven into your daily life is something else entirely.
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It may rock you to your core. Let's talk about how to get
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through it, because in the first days You're gonna have to lower the bar.
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You're not going to be able to be as strong as you are usually.
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You don't have to be the productive one. You don't have to get all the
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work done. You don't have to be there for everyone else.
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Sometimes just eating something or drinking water or sleeping when
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you can is being productive, especially in the first few
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days. Let people bring the casserole. Let people
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host the funeral after event. Accepting help is
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not weakness. It gives people who love you something to do with their own grief.
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You need to share the jobs. If you're the one that always plans the service,
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you don't have to do it alone. Hand off the flowers, the slideshow,
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the food, and the phone calls to someone else, especially if they're close.
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Pick the few decisions that really matter to you and let the rest go.
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Make the service about their life. The best funerals I've been
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to felt like a real portrait of the person was there.
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Their music, their favorite food, the funny stories. Laughter a little bit
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at a funeral isn't disrespectful unless you're laughing about something else,
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but talking about something that they did and a little joke here and there,
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it's not poor taste. It's just remembering the good times.
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Often it's the most honest tribute you can give. And expect
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your grief to come in waves. That's the one thing about grieving is people don't
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realize you may be fine for a week and then the weeks after the funeral
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are often harder than the funeral itself. Everyone goes home, the casserole stops,
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then a song comes on in the grocery store and you lose it in the
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produce aisle. That's normal. Grief doesn't move in
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a straight line and there's no deadline for it. Show up for others after
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the funeral too. If a person lost someone, the most powerful
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thing you can do is call a month later, and again on their birthday,
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and again on the first holiday. That's when the people feel forgotten, and that's
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when they need someone the most. Get support if you're stuck.
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If months pass and you can't function, can't sleep, feel hopeless,
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or you, you need to talk to someone, please do.
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A grief counselor or a therapist or support group, your pastor,
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even a doctor. Asking for help is part of the grieving process
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as well. I will say, when I lost my dad, it shocked me to my
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core. I still remember. It's almost coming up on a year,
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so I'm still grieving him. One more thing: life will move you
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forward, and that's not a betrayal of the person you lost, but you can
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carry them with you and still laugh, still travel, and still
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fall in love with life again. Most of the people we lose would
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actually want exactly that for us. They want us to be happy.
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So let's talk about life you still have. I want
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2 things for you: more years and years of quality living,
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not just quantity. Here's something that surprised me: that
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Harvard actually ran a study, that one of the longest studies on adult life ever
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done. And it started with 724 young men and
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has followed them for decades. And it sums up the biggest finding
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that life teaches us. It's that good relationships
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will keep us healthier and happier. He also said that very bluntly,
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that loneliness kills people. So if you can find
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a person that you're happy with, that is a healthy relationship
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where there's low conflict, where you enjoy their company,
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you're going to be happier in the long run than lonely.
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Loneliness is what leads people to an early death.
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Some people have made peace with being alone and they don't feel
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the loneliness, but other people feel it deeply.
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Not your bank account, not your job titles, your relationships.
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And it wasn't about how many friends you have. It was the quality and the
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closeness of friends and relationships. So you may not have a partner,
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but maybe you're not lonely because you have a good quality group of friends that
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you can lean on. So when we talk about living longer, love isn't
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the soft part of the plan. It is the plan. You need love
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in your life in order to live longer, and it needs to be real love,
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not fake love that so many people are striving for. They don't care
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as long as they have the look or they have the number
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of people that care about them. But the problem is, is that creates a lot
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of loneliness. You need a quality love that will give you love into the
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future. Someone that loves you for you and someone that loves you just the
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way you are. Sometimes you're in marriages that feel just as lonely as
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if you were alone or sometimes lonelier. And that's why
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you see the divorce rate as high as it is. Sometimes being alone
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is actually less lonely than being with someone who doesn't care about you.
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You need to protect your people time as well. Put friends on the calendar the
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same way you put a doctor's appointment there. Have standing coffee dates with
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your friends or maybe get together once a month. A monthly dinner or a Sunday
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call to your sister or brother will help as well, because the
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more you talk to your people, the less lonely you're going to be. Sometimes you
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live in a place where you don't know anyone, so you need to lean into
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friends or make some friends. I think a lot of people, we isolate
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because we just don't want to deal with other people, but then we realize we
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have nobody to talk to and the loneliness will set in. You need to
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also move your body every day. It doesn't have to be a marathon.
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Just walk, dance in the kitchen, Go gardening, go swimming.
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Movement is how you stay independent, and independence is freedom.
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Keep your checkups with your doctor too. I know nobody likes to go to the
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doctor, especially the gynecologist. Let me tell you, that's not my favorite place,
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but catching something early can be the difference between a scare
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and a tragedy, especially for your mammograms and
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annual checks. Talk to your doctor about which screenings are right for you
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based off your family history. You need to make sure you take care of yourself.
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Especially now if you haven't been before. From now on,
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you take care of yourself. Then guard your sleep and your stress.
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A lot of people forget about sleep, and I keep harping on it, I know,
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but sleep is so important, and so is stress. You can't pour from an empty
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cup, and you can't heal while you're running on fumes. You need to keep
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learning. Keep taking the classes, keep learning languages,
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start a business. A curious mind and a mind that's active Keeps
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your mind fresh. And have a reason to get up. You have to have a
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purpose, even if you're retired. Do you have grandkids or a ministry or
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a garden or a goal or a cause or a book
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or some project you're trying to do? Give yourself something that
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needs you, something that inspires you, something that makes
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you feel alive. Quality also means saying no to things that
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are not right for you. No to the toxic friend, to the toxic relationship,
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or to the person who drains you. No to the commitments that steal your weekends.
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No to carrying grudges that make you feel sick. Sometimes forgiveness and
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letting things go is crucial. Every no makes room for
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a bigger yes. You open doors for opportunities that you will enjoy.
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You need to live so you have nothing to take back. Let's go back
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to that list of regrets for a minute. Almost every one of them comes down
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to the gap between how people lived and who they really were.
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That gap is what integrity closes. Integrity means your life
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lines up with your values. What you say matches what
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you do. That's the biggest thing. I heard a quote the other day. What if
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the person that betrayed you the most is actually you?
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If you're allowing other people to treat you poorly and
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you're allowing it, you're betraying yourself. How you treat people
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in private must match how you act in public, but how you treat yourself is
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just as important. When you live that way, there's less to
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regret because there's less to hide and less left undone.
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I think people don't realize how important it is to have strong boundaries and
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not let people treat you poorly. Harmony is the other
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half. It's making peace with where you can. Maybe that's
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a sibling you haven't spoken to, maybe a friend you hurt or hurt you.
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You need to make peace with people. You don't have to fix every relationship.
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You don't have to be best friends with them because some people aren't safe to
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let them back into your life. However, you should Make
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peace with that, because otherwise it may eat at you for a while.
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You may need to apologize to the spouse you cheated on.
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You may need to talk to a friend that did
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you wrong. You may need to do something in order
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to make peace and to resolve a situation. I am not saying
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forgiveness is forgetting, but sometimes forgiveness is what needs
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to happen. And sometimes asking for forgiveness is what
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needs to happen. But you can make sure that nothing you're
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holding on to in the future would keep you up at night if they
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were gone tomorrow. If they died tomorrow, would you have regret that you
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didn't have that one last conversation? Would you have that regret that you didn't try
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one more time and now you don't get to? And please tell people you love
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them out loud today. The people that you love need to
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hear it all the time because you never know I'm
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talking about older people that die, but children die. People in their
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20s die. It's sad, but it's true. I think a lot of us assume the
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people we love already know and that they're going to be around for a while.
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Maybe they do, but they may not be around. But knowing
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it and hearing it are 2 different things. And I have never once heard someone
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say at a funeral, I just told her I loved her too often.
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Nobody ever says that. You know, the nice thing is that a
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couple days before my father died, I talked
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to him on the phone, told him I loved him. I had visited him not
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too long before. I have no regrets because I
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got to tell him I loved him before he died, and he died suddenly.
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Here are a few ways to make it real though too. Say it specifically,
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I love you. It's a beautiful statement. I love how
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you always call me first when something good happens. I love
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how you talk to me every day. I love how you give me hugs,
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how you make my life Unforgettable.
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I love you is one of the best things you can say to someone,
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and you can say it to your friends. You can say it to your children.
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You can say it to your siblings. I love you should be said
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more often. I think if more people said I love you, there'd be less strife
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in the world because I think that's what people want. People want to give love
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and people want to receive love. Write it down if you don't
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talk to them. Send them a card or a letter for no reason,
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just because. Say, I was thinking about you. People keep those sometimes for
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the rest of their lives because it was meaningful. Tell them while they're here.
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Every eulogy you've ever heard was full of beautiful things the
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person never got to hear. Give the eulogy to them now. Now don't
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say you're dead, of course, but tell them what means to you
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while they can still smile about it. Tell them how beautiful
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they are of a person to you, how you love their soul, how you love
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their spirit, how they make you feel good. How they make you feel
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chosen, or how they make you feel smart, or make
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you feel like you can do anything. Count your blessings out loud. Tell your husband,
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your kids, your friends, I'm so blessed to have you in my life.
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Gratitude said out loud changes the room. I try
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to tell my kids all the time that I love them and I'm so proud
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to be their mom because I truly feel that way. When it's your time,
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I want you to look back and feel peace, not regret.
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To know you chased the goals that mattered to you, not the goals that mattered
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to other people. That you lived by your values and loved your
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people well. That's what a full life looks like— one without regret,
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one where you live and your cup is full. So here's
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where I want to leave you. The funerals are increasing. Yes, they are.
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The people we love are getting older, and so are we. That's not the end
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of the story. It's the reminder that the story is still being written, and you're
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holding the pen. Every single day counts. Don't let them
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slip by on autopilot. Every day matters.
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This is my challenge for you. This is the Diva Detail Challenge for
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the week. I want you to call 3 people, maybe today,
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and tell them specifically why you love them. Not a text, not your voice.
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And if they're not there, you can leave a voicemail cuz they may replay
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it over and over again. Or you could send 'em a voice text, but re—
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reach out to 3 people and then reach out to one old friend as well.
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Someone you've lost touch with. Just say, hey, I was thinking about you. You popped
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in my mind, and you want to talk to them. Write down one thing
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you've been putting off until someday, then put a date
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on it and make it happen. Make a goal around it, something you've really wanted
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your whole life and you keep pushing back. Find out
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what that one thing is that if you achieved it and you died
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after it, you'd feel complete. Ask yourself the funeral question:
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if this were my last year, would I be proud of how I lived?
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If not, you need to start making changes. Make a change
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every single week, but you need to start making changes. Would people show up
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at your funeral? Would you feel loved? I want to thank you for spending
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this time with me. This, if this episode touched you, share it with someone you
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love, maybe someone that's going through a loss right now. And maybe tell them why
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you thought of them, why you remember them, why you love them and
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how much you care for them and let them know that they have support.
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And that if they need to, they can lean on you. And if you're grieving
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right now, I see you. I hear you. Be gentle with yourself
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and give yourself some grace. You don't have to have it all figured out.
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This is Diva Mia. Go love your people out loud
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and love them as much as you can, because you never know when the last
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day will be. This is Diva Mia. I love you.
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I hope you are having a wonderful week and take
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care of yourself and live large. Don't play small.