Latest / Lightbearer's Library / When a highly sensitive man grieves the family he wishes he had (INFJ / INFP)

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When a highly sensitive man grieves the family he wishes he had (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: We have found ourselves in the season of potential family gatherings, you know, with Thanksgivings here in North America.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, our Thanksgiving was just this weekend, and um, and then, you know, Christmas, or perhaps even I was thinking pumpkin carving, or it could even apply to birthdays, right?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: These these maybe major family traditions, family gatherings that and it could be different in your country.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: So wherever you are in life, there are these celebrations to be had.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when there have been breaks or disconnects in family relations, those these times of year can be very hard.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: So for me in my own life, um, you know, like there is no Thanksgiving celebration, even though I lived near my family, there has been a rift.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think part of the paradox of these times is that if you have stepped away from family because of how you've been treated, you know, I I've stepped away from my own family because of the treatment that I received, of not being seen of being treated badly, and then my mental health suffers as a highly sensitive person, just like, you know, and and even the thought of bringing up bringing up stuff with them, it's like they won't understand, they won't see it, and then it'll just be my fault, and I'm the problem, and I'm too sensitive, and all the things that are often come back at it when they won't take responsibility for their actions and behaviors.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the one hand is that that it's a good thing, the separation of not going to these family gatherings, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's probably better for our mental health.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: But when those times come around where we are, when the holidays come and we're not invited because we've made it clear, or you know, it's just it's awkward, so we're not invited or we're uninvited, um, then we feel this, this sadness, this, and and even maybe a bitter sweetness because we remember times in the past that were good.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if you had good memories, sometimes you don't even maybe have good memories of those family gatherings.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's you, I I feel for you.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I have some good memories of these times together, you know, Christmases and Thanksgivings.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not that they didn't have their ups and down moments, right?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: The the bitter in the sweetness, but it can feel this, this, this sorrow and this sadness of not of not of the reality not fitting with our our hopes and our wishes for for what we see could happen.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can see this magical, like this magical way of being, you know, with our family and everyone's getting along, and it's just lovely and warm and and inviting, and I can see that, I can taste it.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I I know that it's there, but that's not the reality.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that's part of it is we we're mourning, we're mourning a reality that doesn't exist as well, and mourning not being present with these loved ones, perhaps that we do have a love in our hearts for, but they for for whatever reason we've just chosen not to spend time with them anymore because it's it's just too painful.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that if this is if this is where you're at, it's it's it's I I yeah, I I'm I'm feeling that pain and sorrow today, because today's Thanksgiving here in Canada as I'm recording this.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And but and and it's also I think part of it is is the energy in our own if we're we're we're feelers, we're we're empaths, the the the season, the season of of holidays.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for me it's like Thanksgiving and it's my siblings' birthdays are in this month, and then we've got Christmas, and just there's just so many things and and my birthday, and it is all wrapped up together.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a sense of almost pushing away the whole season, pushing away being engaged with with life, being engaged with life right now because of the sadness that comes from knowing that we're not going to participate in those things as they come along.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm trying to navigate through that.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for me, it's hard because I'm I'm living right near my family again.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I moved to be closer to them specifically a few years ago because I wanted to be part of my nephew's life.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So um it didn't work out, as many of you who have been on this channel know.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But um, because I'm in closer proximity, it makes it really hard.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Versus when I used to live, you know, 12 hours or more away from them, there it wasn't like a possibility.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: However, when I lived 12 hours away from them, I had this yearning to be part of those gatherings still.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because I wasn't in the reality of it.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So now I've experienced the reality of how it would be to live near them and to not go to those gatherings because it turned out that just wasn't a good a good place for me to be.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm like, how can I get farther away from them again?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like space and distance for some of us, I don't know, like energetically, empathically, like distance really helps.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So um distance in this case would would would make my heart not fonder, but would would help to alleviate the suffering of this time of of year.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not that it wouldn't bring up sadness anyway, and sadness in a reality that that isn't present.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I would I would really love to hear from you in the comments about how you have dealt with these, if you have similar rifts in your family, how you've dealt with with this over the years, like if it's if it's an older wound that has that is that you've you've you've managed to work through, how, how, what steps have you taken?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe there are lots of us who could who could benefit from from your wisdom and your hindsight.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's fresh, you know, I'd love to hear, hear your, your, your, your apprehension perhaps about this season to come and know that you're not alone.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so sharing that will help others to feel not so alone in this the apprehension of this season.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that I mean, another thing that comes to mind is even even friend friendship groups or or like when I know my husband has talked about this when he stopped drinking alcohol.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so it can be because we've made decisions in our lives, like choosing choosing something different from our friends.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he lost basically all of his friends and was then because they all drank and they didn't like that he didn't drink, and so they no longer invited him to things.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: So it could even just be not a seasonal thing, but maybe you're going through a time of of yeah, just being being ostracized for a decision that you've made.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that can just feel really, really painful as highly sensitive people, because you know, we want to follow our the authentic our authentic our authentic voice, we want to like our lives to be in alignment with with what we think is important, and when people in our lives don't find feel the same, then it can be can be painful.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what is also helpful at this time is to you know share with others, and if you don't have anyone in your life to share this with, that's what it the Light Bears Library lives are becoming, is these places to come and just talk about things that are going on in your life and have support from other men that have gone through something similar or just who are very kind, you know, as we say here, the kindest men on the internet.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, so to just get support and know that you're not alone, be seen in that and have someone who is like, wow, that's a lot, as opposed to people who are like, I'll get over it.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, so um if you would like to be notified of the lives, like please hit the bell to get notifications because this schedule is changing, but we do have lives on here in North America Friday evenings and Sunday afternoons, early afternoon, depends on where you are.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But um, and then I'd like to add some more lives here soon.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: But as some of you know, I'm working on my taxes.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this week is taxes, taxes.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just an INFB.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like taxes, never have, but I'm working on figuring out a way of how I can embrace taxes so they don't cause me anxiety every year.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, that is totally a side note.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I would love to see you at Alive.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we've been having so much, such wonderful conversation.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a lot of vulnerability, a lot of sharing, sharing our our pains and our sorrows, where there's nowhere else to maybe share those and be be acknowledged in those things, and ways of sharing the sweetness in in our life, and and we have lots of laughs, and it's just sharing the human experience together.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's what I've been missing in my life.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the lives have just made me feel alive again.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband, he he sits in the room, and so he's there with us, and um and he moderates the chat, and he's been getting more engaged with it too.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's helping him to feel like he's not in alone and not in such a dark place either.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been really healing and nourishing to us.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I would please, please, please come, and it would be it would be wonderful to see you.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I'm uh signing off for today, wishing you so many blessings.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: XOXO Kate.