Latest / The Podcaster's Voice / Bad Luck Blacky Part 2: The Move! How I turned my bad luck up-side down and right side up!

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Bad Luck Blacky Part 2: The Move! How I turned my bad luck up-side down and right side up! · The Podcaster's Voice

0:11
To move. Our family moved to a bigger house and
0:20
a better neighborhood when I was in a second
0:23
grade. When we went to the house for the first
0:27
time since my mom bought it, I was looking around
0:31
feeling so in love with this house and with the
0:34
neighborhood. I still can envision the living
0:40
room where I was standing while I was having
0:42
these thoughts. I was so pleased that my younger
0:53
sister and I, my two brothers shared a room which
0:59
was a den converted into a bedroom. My two older
1:04
sisters shared a room. which was right next to
1:06
our room, and next to my parents' room. It was
1:10
a cross, and I had known from ours. I was so
1:18
goofy acting in that house, making people laugh
1:21
at my silliness. Now that I look back, I was
1:24
trying to hide my true emotions, and try to be
1:29
accepted by my older siblings. We went to an
1:36
elementary school just down the street from my
1:38
new house. I believe all six of those kids went
1:46
in that one school at the same time, at least
1:49
for a year. We became known by our last names,
1:53
either because people could not remember us by
1:56
our first names, or that it was just the easiest
1:59
way to identify us. There were many times when
2:04
I would end up walking home by myself, by my
2:08
low -some, after school. I was too shy, embarrassed
2:19
to make friends, for the fear of someone finding
2:21
out just how screwed up my family was, or too
2:26
withdrawn from my appearance to even make friends.
2:31
Sometimes I thought, I was not even worthy of
2:34
making friends. Because of how I felt on the
2:45
inside about myself. Usually my siblings would
2:51
leave me behind or I would walk so fast because
2:54
I was always scared of whatever was around me.
2:58
Every day when I would walk home from school
3:01
I would constantly turn around to see what was
3:04
behind me or on the side of me. One reason I
3:07
was so scary was because my siblings used to
3:10
scare me every chance they had. My older sister
3:15
used to hide behind walls and when I would come
3:20
from a blinded corner she would jump out and
3:22
scare the mess out of me. My older sister used
3:25
to watch all five of us at the same time. Sometimes
3:30
she would turn out all of the lights and make
3:32
bigger eyes than what she already had and she
3:35
would chase me through the house until I would
3:37
start crying. Then my other siblings will start
3:41
making fun of me by calling me names like crybaby.
3:44
They would ask me why I was crying. These are
3:50
the incidents that made me the way I am today.
3:54
When I get upset or have hurt feelings about
3:57
something, I would hold everything in, brought
4:00
it up inside of me, or I would start crying from
4:03
the hurt feelings because I didn't know how to
4:05
express myself. So I would not say anything.
4:09
Hopefully... that my siblings would just leave
4:11
me alone. My plan did not work the way I wanted
4:15
it to. They would just start the round robin
4:19
by taking turns calling me names like Gat Band
4:22
1 or 2. I had a gap between my teeth that was
4:27
so big, I was able to pass food through that
4:31
gap and eat. It's closed up quite a bit now,
4:37
but I should tell you that, and I'm quite comfortable
4:40
with it. The Gat Band 1 and 2 was this group
4:47
that was pro - popular back then and made this
4:50
song called Oops! Upside Your Head. Little did
4:55
they know that I lowered my self esteem every
4:58
time they would say those things. Then the next
5:00
person would call me Indian Girl because we found
5:03
out that my dad was part Indian. They all would
5:08
start laughing. They all would start laughing
5:18
and then the next person called me Goofy. The
5:20
next woman would say Bird Legs and so on. I was
5:24
called Duck Feet because my feet were and still
5:26
are flat and I walked sleuth with it. I'm still
5:31
sleuth with it, but not as much. I have learned
5:35
to control it over the years to avoid name -callings
5:38
from outsiders there as well. My second to the
5:42
oldest sister, I would call her Trish, and my
5:45
younger sister named me Black Butterfly. After
5:49
this song was sung by a lady with a beautiful
5:52
voice. Denise Williams, I believe. I was the
5:59
darkest of all my siblings and I would adopt
6:02
names like Tar Baby and Black Rusty Statue. We
6:07
had these African statues of men and women who
6:10
were black as tar and they named me after those
6:13
figures. I would laugh with them most of the
6:15
time trying to keep from crying and trying to
6:18
act like I was not hurt. Eventually, there were
6:22
times when I could not take it anymore and I
6:25
would storm into my room I'll go outside away
6:27
from them. One time I had my ceiling so bottled
6:30
up inside of me that I almost stabbed my older
6:33
brother when I was about 13 years old. I remember
6:37
sitting on one of those quicker grouse chairs
6:40
that had a big pillow in it and he was standing
6:43
across from me. Any girl, any girl, get back,
6:48
get back. He also said his best to aggravate
6:52
me, but I was just kept ignoring him. I guess
6:55
when he saw that his words were not affecting
6:57
me, he thought he would try another avenue. He
7:01
started hitting me on top of my head, and that's
7:03
what made me lose it. I tried to take his aggregation,
7:07
but a person can only take so much. All of a
7:10
sudden, I jumped up and said, motherfucker, I'm
7:15
going to stab you. So I went into the kitchen
7:18
and grabbed the biggest knife my mother cooked
7:20
with, and it was a big watermelon knife. I went
7:24
up to him and held it tight in my hand and then
7:26
pointed to him while I was huffing and puffing,
7:31
trying to control my anger. I did not want to
7:35
stab him, I just wanted him to leave me alone.
7:38
My rage was building up and I felt the adrenaline
7:41
rushing up through my arm and my older sister
7:44
interfered and stopped me before I actually did
7:46
stab him. Half of my siblings threatened to tell
7:51
on me, but I did not care. I felt like I was
7:55
not much of anything. What can I do? Nothing
7:58
was the answer that I came up with. Unloved and
8:01
uncared for was the feeling I received from my
8:04
mother and siblings. Yes, I knew my dad, stepdad,
8:10
gave me the positive attention I needed, but
8:13
sometimes the attention Hunter gave me made me
8:16
feel weird. I needed it from my blood relatives,
8:20
the people I was supposed to be close to. The
8:23
closer the time came for my mother to come home,
8:25
the more I became worried that I would have to
8:27
go outside into the backyard and pick my own
8:31
switch. Yep, we had to pick our own switches
8:35
to get our ads booked. I would have to go outside
8:45
into the backyard and pick my own switch, get
8:47
whooped with it, and wear these whoops on my
8:50
legs for a couple of days. That was something
8:52
that I was really afraid for my playmates in
8:57
their neighborhood to see. Then they would know
9:00
my family was not what it seemed. Mother came
9:03
home and they did not tell on me. I was so relieved.
9:07
so I escaped a butt and leg whooping. I was used
9:11
to the pain by then, mental and physical, so
9:14
I could handle it. The main thing I was afraid
9:18
of was outsiders seeing the physical evidence
9:22
on my body and knowing the dark secrets my family
9:26
held, or I should say the household lived in.
9:31
It did not feel like much of a family. My second
9:34
older sister Trish was good at cosmetics, doing
9:39
hair. So my mother would have her French -baked
9:42
my hair whenever my mother would wash it. My
9:45
hair would still sink along every time it was
9:47
washed. After it dried, my hair became very bushy
9:51
and tangled. My sister really despised doing
9:55
my hair so much that sometimes she would grab
9:57
a lock on my hair and yank my head in the direction
10:01
she wanted me to turn my head in. I was so very
10:05
tender -headed and she used to braid my hair
10:07
so tight that my scalp would be raised and pulled.
10:10
My scour hurt so much that it became hard to
10:13
sleep or even lie my head down. I would say that
10:17
she was the only one that would not tease me
10:21
as much as the others. Most of the time she would
10:25
only call me black butterfly and black rusty
10:29
statue as we were both teasing each other. After
10:35
she finished teasing me she would say I'm just
10:38
joking or I'm just kidding. She was the only
10:41
sibling She was the only sibling that had remorse
10:50
from teasing me. However, she was very hateful
10:54
when it came to doing my hair, and I could not
10:56
stand her at those times. Trisha and I used to
10:59
go to the store all the time, and sometimes she
11:02
would tell me to go in the other aisle. I would
11:06
ask her why. She would just say, do it. We were
11:11
sent to the store to buy macro bread rice for
11:14
the household, and she would tell me to hold
11:16
these things while she went. to the other this
11:24
is that A &P A &P on 7th Avenue oh my goodness
11:31
I remember it was like it was yesterday she would
11:36
tell me to hold those things while she went to
11:38
the other house to stuff her pants and shirt
11:40
with packs of M &M Snickers Reese's Cups cookies
11:43
and just about anything she can get away with
11:47
there was one thing oh my goodness there was
11:49
one thing she would not steal Mars bars She always
11:53
said, those candy bars smell like someone's breath.
11:57
As the death became frequent, I would recognize
12:00
her pattern. And then when she would come home,
12:06
she would come home. Wait. She would come home
12:14
from the stillings. Oh my goodness. Wait a minute.
12:21
And then once I recognized her pattern, and then
12:29
when the time comes, she would come home from
12:32
the stillings. I don't know what that meant.
12:34
I would say, I'm getting away from you. She did
12:41
her business. I remember looking at the ice cream
12:44
a lot of times because that was out. I pretty
12:50
much knew the prices of ice cream by heart, but
12:52
we were to buy the name brands like Homemade
12:57
or Sherbert. Trish would find me and say, let's
13:02
pay for these groceries. Where'd you put it?
13:09
She would say. Walk up to the counter and my
13:12
heart felt like it was going to beat out of my
13:14
chest. She would pay for the food. Period. That's
13:23
a period. The cashier would hand her the receipt
13:26
and I just knew as we walked out the security
13:29
guard would stop and say, what do you have in
13:32
your clothes? And we would go and we would both
13:35
go to kids jail. Oh my goodness. We were young.
13:39
I was about probably 10. She was about 13. Oh
13:43
my goodness. We came to know what security guard
13:48
looked like from going to the store almost every
13:50
day. The store would switch guards every now
13:53
and then just to try to trick thieves, which
13:59
we were. There was this lady that worked at the
14:04
meat counter in the back of the store who I know
14:09
saw my sister stealing and she just pretended
14:15
like she did not see us. After a while, the stealing
14:18
became such a normal act. I began to steal those
14:23
little brown pink and white coconut candies.
14:26
that were in the candy bin. They cost three cents
14:29
each and sometimes I would only have three to
14:32
five cents and I would take one or two more.
14:36
I would tell myself I was just borrowing the
14:38
candy and that would pay the store back later.
14:41
Well later it never came about so it turned out
14:44
I stole the candy. Oh my goodness! We stole so
14:49
much that it was getting good to us so eventually
14:52
we could still leave the store. Run into the
14:56
dirt hills y 'all It was like an empty field
15:03
of the street from us which grew a lot of bushes
15:07
and hills And we called them the dirt hills.
15:11
We did our dirty business back there. Oh my goodness
15:15
Okay We stole so much that it was being good
15:19
to us So eventually we would steal, leave the
15:22
store and run into the dirt hills open a candy
15:26
and go to town eating that candy. At first I
15:30
was afraid to eat the stolen candy that my sister
15:32
would steal. She would pull those ten packs of
15:35
goodies out from her shirt, pants, and whatever
15:37
else she could manage to store them. She would
15:41
say, here it is. I told her I did not want any
15:44
even though my mouth would be watering for that
15:46
good looking chocolate. I still refused to eat
15:52
any for fear that the police would come to the
15:54
house later. and take me to jail for eating some.
15:58
Later, when I would see other stilllings eating
16:00
the stoning goods, I would join in. I really
16:03
wanted to tell Peggy what was going on to prevent
16:06
Trish from going to jail, but on the other hand,
16:09
I did not want to see Trish get in trouble, meaning
16:12
slappings or beat downs. I remember several times
16:15
we went through the big green garbage can in
16:19
the back of the store that was next to the flea
16:22
market. Oh my goodness. Shoppers village was
16:26
called shopkeepers village. I don't know if any
16:29
of y 'all remember that shopkeepers village where
16:33
A &P Oh, it was Freedom Foods at first Freedom
16:38
Foods and then A &P where El Greco's was. Oh
16:43
my goodness. Oh my goodness, so I Remember several
16:49
times we went through the big green garbage can
16:52
in the back of the store. That was next to the
16:54
flea market We would try to play off whenever
16:57
a car would go past. We would play patty cake
17:00
while sitting on the concrete top step. When
17:05
a car would go past, we would stop patty cake
17:08
and my sister would jump back into the trash
17:10
can and dig for valuables. We found a weevil
17:15
wobble house and a few weevils. We gave that
17:19
to my younger sister. Trish found a sesame street
17:22
house and figures that went with the house. I
17:25
said, ooh, I want that. And she gave it to me.
17:28
I believe she found a purse for herself. We used
17:31
to walk in the back parking lot of the store
17:33
and look for money to buy candy with. I found
17:36
a dime one time, and I was so happy that I was
17:39
able to buy 10 penny candies from the store across
17:42
the street. That store was called. We also tried
17:56
to take our mother's bingo chips and put them
17:58
in a penny candy machine. Oh my goodness. They
18:02
were there. red and blue and yellow bingo chips.
18:06
Oh my goodness. We tried bingo chips in a dining
18:11
spot but it would never work. Myself, Trish,
18:14
my two brothers used to walk down the street
18:17
to the playground. Most of the time we would
18:20
play on the equipment. But this one time they
18:26
thought of breaking into the school. My older
18:30
brother always had these criminal thoughts so
18:32
he would open a window to a classroom. He had
18:35
my youngest brother climb in and open the side
18:37
door. My sister and older brother went in and
18:40
told me to follow. I was hesitant, but I did
18:43
not want to be outside by myself, so I went in.
18:47
They were in my teacher's room. I said, this
18:49
is my teacher's room. Put that back. I don't
18:53
care, said someone that held a whole jar of Tootsie
18:57
Rolls and about $13 from her desk. We went home
19:00
thinking we were scot -free, but later on the
19:03
police showed up at our house. We were the first
19:05
black kids that lived on the street, so naturally
19:08
we were the first suspects. We did finish that
19:13
stereotype though. My brother saw the police
19:17
and climb up on top of the roof like they were
19:19
supposed to be hiding from him. I was outside
19:22
in front yard as I thought about running to the
19:25
house because I was an accessory to that crime
19:28
also. I stayed in the yard watching the policemen's
19:32
every move hoping that he would not snatched
19:35
me up and arrested me. The cop went to the front
19:38
door to tell my mother while he was there. My
19:41
mom was kind of shocked because that was the
19:43
first that she had heard of them of them acting
19:47
so criminal. She came outside looking for them
19:56
and she asked us did we know where they are.
19:59
I said no and at the same time I was waving my
20:02
hand back for them to get back out of the view
20:06
so that the police could not see them. My mom
20:11
looked up and saw them on me.