Latest / Authentic Living / Welcomes Resiliency Expert, Allison Graham to discuss her “Resiliency Ninja” Formula

Transcript

Welcomes Resiliency Expert, Allison Graham to discuss her “Resiliency Ninja” Formula · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we conscious conversations about
• 0:08
  things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:12
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:36
  Hi, everyone.
• 0:37
  It's Sal Roxanne.
• 0:38
  Thanks for tuning in.
• 0:39
  Today, I have a special colleague Allison Graham.
• 0:42
  Hi, Allison.
• 0:43
  How are you today?
• 0:44
  Awesome.
• 0:44
  Thanks for having me.
• 0:46
  So Allison and I are Matt's not too long ago, and, we speak on the same topic of resilience.
• 0:53
  So I Allison was so gracious to give me her time today.
• 0:57
  And I'm just gonna tell you a little bit about Allison, and then then we'll get right into
• 1:01
  things.
• 1:01
  She inspires professionals to rethink resilience as a keynote speaker, an author and
• 1:07
  a corporate cultural consultant.
• 1:08
  She's been featured by National Media Outlets and the l is the lessons lessons from the
• 1:14
  headlines, guests, expert each week on global news, CFPL and host the resiliency ninja
• 1:21
  podcast on C Suite Radio.
• 1:24
  Her latest book married my mom.
• 1:26
  This is interesting.
• 1:27
  Birth to dog.
• 1:29
  How to be resilient?
• 1:30
  What life sucks is a inspiring people around the world to embrace their resiliency ninja
• 1:39
  journey.
• 1:40
  Resiliency ninja.
• 1:41
  That is a fascinating title.
• 1:43
  So tell me tell me more about what's a resiliency ninja?
• 1:48
  Well, the original concept came because It's like, if you imagine, like, an old cheesy ninja
• 1:55
  kind of, or maybe like a modern superhero, you know, movie, you'd have, like, this, you know,
• 2:02
  ninja or superhero walking down the street, all com, cool, collected, you know, even Chris
• 2:08
  Wayne Right?
• 2:09
  And then he decks out of the party and he goes into the alley and he chama.
• 2:13
  Like, I just watch out all these assailants.
• 2:16
  And then comes back out to the cocktail party like nothing happened.
• 2:20
  And I feel like that's how many of us are living our lives.
• 2:24
  We're we're constantly facing different obstacles that are getting in our way and We
• 2:31
  have to show up for our clients, show up for our teams, show up for our employer, whoever it
• 2:38
  is you happen to work, in our best self no matter what is going on personally or
• 2:43
  professionally.
• 2:44
  And so that's the concept of a resiliency ninja.
• 2:48
  It's not that you are able to get rid of the challenges.
• 2:51
  Is that you're able to metabolize the stresses faster and get back on your path to success.
• 2:58
  So metabolizes an interesting concept.
• 3:01
  Right?
• 3:01
  It's like when you think of metabolizing stressors, Like, what what tell me what you
• 3:06
  mean when you say that.
• 3:08
  Yeah.
• 3:08
  So one of my very, like, my foundational signature concepts is that we tend as humans to
• 3:16
  bucket everything under the word stress.
• 3:18
  And the truth is is not everything that goes wrong needs to actually be stressful.
• 3:24
  And so when we look at if our our natural our natural way to respond to an obstacle is to get
• 3:32
  very stressed out buy it and respond and be reactive.
• 3:37
  The idea of metabolizing that is we wouldn't necessarily be able to interrupt our initial
• 3:43
  reaction and response.
• 3:46
  However, we can interrupt that with the resiliency ninja formula to 1st be self aware
• 3:52
  that we're responding in a way that is not ideal for the situation or for our own health
• 3:57
  and our well us, and we can interrupt it and then go through the process of dealing with
• 4:02
  whatever obstacle it is so that you you process that obstacle fast So much like we process the
• 4:09
  food we eat with our metabolism, I'm I'm sort of using that same imagine your, like, that
• 4:15
  that metaphoric approach to doing that with the obstacles that you face.
• 4:23
  Which makes a lot of sense.
• 4:24
  Right?
• 4:25
  Whatever your focus on grows, I often say, or if you're able to disrupt it and spend less
• 4:30
  time, other in the past, let's say you trigger backwards based on something you've been in or
• 4:35
  to the future because you're worrying about something that 98% of the time is potentially
• 4:41
  not gonna happen.
• 4:42
  And you, you know, so many of us and me included, we're guilty of that.
• 4:47
  Right?
• 4:47
  Right.
• 4:48
  I I heard on, and I can't ever remember who said it, but I I love to say it's not my my
• 4:54
  saying.
• 4:54
  So I I give attribution to it.
• 4:57
  He said, Worry is a down payment on a problem you may never have.
• 5:04
  I like that.
• 5:05
  That's really, really good because if ready, if you think about it, how much time do you worry
• 5:09
  about things and it actually doesn't come true?
• 5:13
  Right.
• 5:13
  Or you can't deal with it in that moment.
• 5:16
  So the way I look at it is unless you're ruminating about something from a creative
• 5:20
  perspective in terms of, like, sometimes we need to have those thoughts in the shower so
• 5:25
  that we can find the answer and be creative and innovative and problem solve and figure out how
• 5:30
  we're gonna deal with our obstacles.
• 5:31
  That's a proactive way to think about what's going on.
• 5:37
  Thinking and worrying are 2 different pieces of our resiliency muscle.
• 5:43
  So thinking about it can be actually a real positive.
• 5:47
  Worrying about it is allowing the internal messenger of BS to get out of control and
• 5:53
  create stories that are not based in reality and are not factual.
• 5:58
  So I grew go ahead.
• 6:00
  So you you said that, you know, you have had a journey and I'm I'm interested in this journey
• 6:06
  because I've never heard you speak before, that's allowed you to go through this process
• 6:13
  and figure out a lot of the the concepts that you've put into your book.
• 6:17
  So I'd really tell me a bit about that because I'm thinking I'm very I could imagine that
• 6:22
  everybody viewing or or listening are are curious about that too.
• 6:25
  Yeah.
• 6:25
  So it's, you probably should start with the title of my book.
• 6:30
  Married my mom, birth the dog, how to be resilient when life sucks.
• 6:36
  And So what happened?
• 6:38
  I actually, over the course, I call it my decade of hell.
• 6:42
  It began with my father passing away, which is a very, normal life unfolding.
• 6:50
  You know, you expect at some point, you, as an adult, you might lose your you're gonna lose
• 6:53
  your parents.
• 6:54
  And the difference was I didn't have the resiliency tools to truly allow myself to
• 7:00
  grieve and heal from the past of my daddy was very important in my life.
• 7:05
  That was followed by, my grandma passing and then another six people passing in a very, very
• 7:10
  short period of time.
• 7:13
  Which is just like you feel like you're a punching bag.
• 7:16
  Right?
• 7:16
  It won't stop.
• 7:17
  In the middle of that, I had a surgery, a pharmacist that, unfortunately, the surgery got
• 7:24
  out of hand and, cause some neuropathic damage in my pelvis that is a permanent condition and
• 7:33
  causes quite as significant.
• 7:36
  I'm very careful about the languaging.
• 7:37
  I use around it because that's part of my pain management system, but, a significant pain,
• 7:45
  that required another 5 surgeries to try to fix in and out of the hospitals.
• 7:50
  And then I had 8 major injuries.
• 7:54
  So, like, breaks to arms or wrists or toes and torn knee and broken nose and, the list went on
• 8:01
  and and all that time, I had to show up for the clients just like anybody else did no matter
• 8:08
  what was happening behind the scenes.
• 8:10
  And as you can imagine, with the surgeries and the physical pain, At first, my instinct was to
• 8:17
  push through and power through, which a lot of, professionals, that's how we think we'll deal
• 8:23
  with it.
• 8:23
  We won't deal with it.
• 8:24
  We'll just do something else.
• 8:26
  And I I I collapsed from the pain.
• 8:30
  Anyway, I was told to go on disability.
• 8:33
  I said, no way.
• 8:35
  And he said, well, you're gonna have to figure out how to be resilient then, my doctor.
• 8:40
  And that began the this the quest.
• 8:44
  And I did what any independent grown woman would do.
• 8:50
  In that situation, perhaps, I called home to my mama.
• 8:55
  I said, hey, mom.
• 8:57
  I know you're, you know, adjusting to life after dad passed away, would you be open, to
• 9:04
  coming and hanging out with me?
• 9:06
  And by the way, you could become my chauffeur and you could, you know, you know, help me with
• 9:13
  the house and and help me do life while I tried to keep my business alive.
• 9:22
  And doing that in, like, in and out of the hospital with the appointments and different
• 9:28
  you know, always desperately at that time, not now, but at that time, desperately looking for
• 9:33
  the Magic Snake Oil.
• 9:35
  That would take away the
• 9:37
  pain.
• 9:38
  Mhmm.
• 9:39
  And none of it worked.
• 9:43
  And so I was on heavy, heavy medications, and that was that was the root of my my you know,
• 9:50
  what what inspired my resiliency journey.
• 9:53
  Mhmm.
• 9:54
  And very frustrated at the time because I'd look for advice.
• 10:00
  And, you know, a lot of the advice through the hospital system and the medical system was why
• 10:06
  you just stay on pain medication, right, and don't expect to ever work full time again.
• 10:13
  And just I I I you know, and maybe this isn't the right spot to talk about it, but I feel
• 10:23
  like the health care system, if you just take it at face value is designed to turn you into a
• 10:30
  victim.
• 10:32
  And I refuse to become a victim of a surgery that went wrong and created a pain that would
• 10:39
  stay with me, potentially for my life.
• 10:42
  I mean, I'm hopeful that one day it will go away.
• 10:45
  And in the meantime, I'm able with my resiliency ninja work to actually minimize my
• 10:52
  pain and function without any pain medication.
• 10:56
  And some days are harder than others.
• 10:58
  Like, today, has has been a really trying day because there's a lot of things that are coming
• 11:03
  at me from external sources that I wouldn't normally have to deal with.
• 11:10
  And so what that does is it it gets me out of my flow.
• 11:14
  And when I'm out of my flow, my pain increases.
• 11:18
  So, yeah, that's a bit of my journey in the nutshell.
• 11:24
  So tell me what you found out really that didn't work.
• 11:27
  The the, you know, you you know, because I know from kind of my path with, seeing a lot of
• 11:33
  patients and stuff like that.
• 11:36
  You know, of course, the body you know, shuts down the the natural ability to address paint
• 11:43
  when we take something external.
• 11:44
  So the body expects it, and then it It kinda shuts down those, you know, areas in the brain
• 11:49
  that's or the body that could help us naturally relax.
• 11:52
  So you have to kinda tip from It may not be the best relief, but it's some relief.
• 11:58
  Right.
• 11:58
  But, actually, I don't think it's, effective relief.
• 12:02
  Right.
• 12:03
  Right.
• 12:03
  Very different.
• 12:04
  So the brain, and I love the way you phrase this because I I believe, and I'm not a medical
• 12:09
  doctor in any way.
• 12:10
  I mean, you actually are a qualified psychotherapist.
• 12:13
  So, you know, you have better options in in thinking around this.
• 12:18
  What my experience as a patient is that the medication numbs the brain to interpreting the
• 12:25
  pain.
• 12:26
  Mhmm.
• 12:27
  Okay.
• 12:27
  So I would still have big spikes even when I was on the heavy, heavy, heavy duty medication.
• 12:34
  Mhmm.
• 12:35
  And I still have big spike now without the medication, but I don't have the poison in my
• 12:41
  body.
• 12:41
  Mhmm.
• 12:42
  And the other thing, I think it's very different acute pain versus chronic pain.
• 12:50
  Mhmm.
• 12:51
  So even recently, I fell down.
• 12:52
  They thought I'd broke my broken my elbow It was just a fluke thing that happened.
• 12:57
  I I didn't.
• 12:58
  Thank goodness.
• 12:59
  The pain was significant.
• 13:00
  So it overwhelms you.
• 13:01
  Right?
• 13:02
  You're like, oh, gosh.
• 13:03
  That really hurts.
• 13:04
  And I think with that, it was just another reminder.
• 13:09
  Very different chronic versus acute.
• 13:11
  Mhmm.
• 13:12
  And often with our chronic pain, our brain is still interpreting it like it's acute.
• 13:19
  Like, the the pain for me feels like a, serrated edge knife sort of stabbing into an
• 13:24
  open wound into my pelvis.
• 13:27
  And twisting.
• 13:28
  And so that feeling can be so, overwhelming if I allow it to be as if it just happened as if
• 13:38
  the surgery just happened.
• 13:41
  And the game with the brain is, no.
• 13:44
  No.
• 13:44
  No.
• 13:44
  This happened now, what, 12 years ago.
• 13:47
  Even though the pain is still the same, it's like, you're used to this pain.
• 13:51
  You're not in physical danger.
• 13:52
  You like, you can calm down your like nervous system and, you know, that fight or flight
• 13:59
  response by recognizing this is something that is very familiar that I deal with all the time.
• 14:06
  And with the medication, I, you know, I know your theme is authenticity.
• 14:13
  So really what prompted me to get off of the medication is at the time I desperately wanted
• 14:20
  to have a baby.
• 14:23
  And the doctors couldn't tell me what a patient who was healthy, otherwise, who was on
• 14:33
  methadone for pain, not for a high risk, addiction because I didn't have an addiction.
• 14:39
  I It's actually was originally a pain medication that is very misunderstood in the
• 14:45
  marketplace.
• 14:47
  They couldn't tell me any research for someone who for a baby that was going into a low risk
• 14:55
  home Right?
• 14:57
  So, yes, there's smaller birth rates.
• 15:00
  And, yes, there are smaller, or maybe some learning curves and stuff on methadone babies
• 15:07
  who are in a heroin addicts Mhmm.
• 15:10
  A home.
• 15:10
  Right?
• 15:10
  And so they couldn't we couldn't justify that.
• 15:12
  And I said, if you can't tell me with a 100% certainty that I can have a child that will not
• 15:20
  be suffering from my pain medication.
• 15:22
  Then I refused to even try, and that was my original inspiration.
• 15:27
  And then I never met a guy, so I never got to have the baby anyway, but whatever.
• 15:31
  You know, those are the details, but I did get off the medication.
• 15:35
  And it taught me that you can control the pain with your mind and your body and how you
• 15:44
  interpret the pain.
• 15:46
  But that wasn't actually your question.
• 15:48
  Your question to me was what didn't work in the early stages?
• 15:51
  So you want me to poke some fun at how we approach pain?
• 15:55
  I like fun.
• 15:56
  So sure.
• 15:59
  The phrase, pace yourself.
• 16:04
  Is probably the most defeatist phrase in the pain management library.
• 16:12
  And I'll explain why because the pace car never wins the race.
• 16:20
  And if you are a high achieving a type personality who has acquired pain and have a
• 16:28
  certain level of operation that you're expecting.
• 16:31
  And now your body is rejecting that level of operation.
• 16:37
  So for me, I used to, be out in the community and working and doing things about 18 hours a
• 16:42
  day.
• 16:43
  And then coming home and sleeping.
• 16:44
  And I had a little post it note that said deserve to hit the pillow.
• 16:48
  That was my philosophy.
• 16:52
  And then I came along and I had this surgery, and I woke up with this knife twisting into my
• 16:56
  pelvis.
• 16:58
  And I went from having full capabilities to having somewhere between 2:5 hours of
• 17:04
  functionality a day.
• 17:08
  So the pacing yourself, to me, was a way of basically saying give up never succeed, and
• 17:19
  you're never gonna have a full workday again.
• 17:23
  And so It was a real trigger word for me.
• 17:27
  And so I looked at it and I said, no.
• 17:29
  No.
• 17:29
  No.
• 17:29
  But what I could do is I could control my schedule.
• 17:34
  So when we control our schedule, we feel empowered to make decisions.
• 17:39
  And sometimes by controlling my schedule, I need to put recovery time in.
• 17:45
  For sure.
• 17:46
  So that that was one of them.
• 17:48
  The other one, advice that I really think is harmful in the journey of resilience is the
• 17:59
  phrase bounce back.
• 18:01
  Mhmm.
• 18:03
  And the reason I have such a problem with that phrase is because the very notion of change is
• 18:09
  that what was no longer exists.
• 18:14
  So we can't bounce back.
• 18:16
  So for me, I spent probably 5 years trying to get back to my presurgery body.
• 18:21
  It doesn't exist any longer.
• 18:26
  So when we look at bouncing back, we actually are looking at hurting our ability to accept
• 18:35
  our reality for today and living in the now.
• 18:38
  So a lot of perception had to shift for you.
• 18:42
  The way you thought about things and how you perceived things around you.
• 18:47
  So in your model, so I would assume that, you know, shifting and thought is a big part of it.
• 18:53
  What else is involved?
• 18:55
  Is there physical things that you do?
• 18:57
  Are there sensory things that you do that's that might be helpful.
• 19:01
  Yeah.
• 19:01
  So the resiliency ninja formula that is in my book is really it starts with self awareness.
• 19:07
  And I think the first step is self awareness to understand how are we reacting.
• 19:12
  For example, like, pain I call it, Pangry.
• 19:16
  Like, you know, if people get hangry, like, hungry anger.
• 19:19
  Yeah.
• 19:19
  I I call it Pangry.
• 19:21
  So I'm in high pain, so I'm very angry at people.
• 19:24
  Some people don't even ever have the self awareness that they're responding that way.
• 19:30
  Mhmm.
• 19:32
  The other thing would be, you know, we have this expectation that our lives are just
• 19:37
  supposed to be busy, busy, and stressed out.
• 19:40
  When an actual fact, that's not how life is supposed to be.
• 19:42
  There's supposed to be a lot on the go and a to do list that never ends.
• 19:46
  That's called life.
• 19:48
  That's not we have to learn how to deal with it.
• 19:51
  It's not the end of the world.
• 19:53
  It doesn't mean that you need to be completely stressed out all the time, which is what I talk
• 19:57
  about a lot in my keynote.
• 19:59
  And so that self awareness really understanding how are you responding to to call?
• 20:06
  How are you responding?
• 20:06
  If you have chronic pain, how are you responding to pain?
• 20:10
  How are you how are you showing up and responding to challenges?
• 20:15
  So my, resiliency ninja set point dial is the different ways in which we might automatically
• 20:21
  respond on a team two obstacles that are presented, and then how do you shift it?
• 20:26
  But if you don't even know how you're responding or that you're caught in the into
• 20:30
  the trap, Well, how are you gonna ever fix it?
• 20:34
  So that's the first part
• 20:34
  of it.
• 20:35
  Mhmm.
• 20:35
  The next piece is building your strength.
• 20:37
  And from there, I have the 3 components, which is the the mental and the emotional heart
• 20:44
  strength.
• 20:44
  So those pieces, and then the last piece is the resourcefulness.
• 20:49
  So asking for the help, understanding our limitations, I remember I was, coaching a PhD
• 20:57
  student who's doing her PhD.
• 20:59
  She's a TA.
• 21:01
  She had a partner who was out of town, so she was traveling all the weekends.
• 21:06
  She was trying to do yoga and physiotherapy and going to her doctor's appointments and and just
• 21:12
  had all of this.
• 21:12
  And one of the greatest resources is how do you your calendar so that it can serve your
• 21:19
  personal flow.
• 21:21
  Right?
• 21:21
  Like, so I know by midafternoon, My pain is gonna probably go higher than it is first thing
• 21:27
  in the morning.
• 21:29
  Just the nature of my personal pain journey.
• 21:32
  So I often don't put, things that I need to be able to sit for long periods of time.
• 21:40
  Into the later afternoon.
• 21:44
  But, like, so that sort of resourcefulness, calling my mom another Right?
• 21:49
  She her saying yes was a blessing and, yeah.
• 21:54
  So that's it.
• 21:54
  So the 3 part the strength, self awareness is how we start, then the strength, then the
• 21:59
  resourcefulness.
• 22:00
  Which makes so much sense, right, because I think a lot of people based on so many
• 22:05
  different things develop, things that they do that they continue to do, and they don't opt to
• 22:13
  reflect and say, is this is this helping me, or is this hurting me?
• 22:16
  Right.
• 22:17
  Right.
• 22:18
  We just keep it going.
• 22:19
  Yeah.
• 22:19
  Over and over again.
• 22:20
  And I think you know, slowing down to your points, you know, I think in Western Society,
• 22:27
  you know, it's How you been?
• 22:29
  Oh, I've been busy.
• 22:30
  What's new?
• 22:30
  I've been busy.
• 22:31
  You know, it's it's it's almost like it's like a it's like a card that everybody pulls up.
• 22:36
  As meaning, you know, busyness equals success.
• 22:39
  And I think that's what you're saying is, really, in your case, you recognize that after
• 22:44
  going from teen hours.
• 22:46
  And what did you say your pillow said?
• 22:48
  What did your pillow say?
• 22:49
  Hit the pillow.
• 22:51
  Right.
• 22:52
  So you're, like, going from 1 stream to another and then really it so that adversity really
• 22:57
  allowed you to to reflect and probably understand yourself a bit more.
• 23:01
  Right.
• 23:02
  It did.
• 23:03
  And I I wanna be careful with the phrasing because it's not about slowing down.
• 23:08
  It's not about taking all those things off the list.
• 23:11
  It's about finding the things that need to be on the list and then saying no to the ones that
• 23:15
  shouldn't be there anyway.
• 23:17
  Right?
• 23:18
  And I think focus.
• 23:21
  So one of the interesting pieces of my early days is I actually did and achieved more in
• 23:27
  less time than I do now.
• 23:30
  I I swear some days when I'm back to having full ish capabilities.
• 23:37
  So when people tell me they don't have time to build a business, to do the sales, to do, you
• 23:43
  know, whatever it is that they're not doing, like writing a book or, you know, whatever
• 23:49
  their dream is, I and reminded of the fact that I created a successful training and speaking
• 23:55
  business in 2 to 5 hours of functionality a day.
• 23:59
  Right, and did it very well.
• 24:01
  But what that forced me to do was to get in from a place of control and make choices of
• 24:07
  what I was going to allow into those prime hours.
• 24:11
  Mhmm.
• 24:12
  Instead of allowing everything, I cut out my a lot of my volunteer work, which was fulfilling,
• 24:18
  and it wasn't paying my bills.
• 24:22
  You know, people who are struggling financially, but are spending all their time
• 24:26
  out there volunteering for free, well, you're kind of not serving yourself by choosing to
• 24:33
  serve everybody else.
• 24:34
  And, you know, the old saying, put the oxygen mask on first applies in that situation as
• 24:40
  well.
• 24:41
  So
• 24:42
  and it sounds like it's like value alignment.
• 24:44
  I mean, kinda if you're after something, you're, you know, you're recognizing midday.
• 24:50
  Look, I'm gonna be potentially I'm managing my pain, but I'm not gonna be an at my pivotal
• 24:55
  point of, high productivity.
• 24:58
  So I'm gonna do the things that are, you know, You know, you're gonna eat the frog first.
• 25:05
  I think I've I forget whose book that's from.
• 25:06
  Yeah.
• 25:07
  It's a great book.
• 25:08
  Right?
• 25:08
  Absolutely.
• 25:09
  Eat the frog first.
• 25:10
  And then you gotta go to the things that are less important.
• 25:14
  But a lot of people get into that frenzied space where, you know, they let people or
• 25:19
  things outside of themselves dictate their day.
• 25:21
  And what you're talking is about, again, like you said, slowing, but slow doesn't mean
• 25:26
  slowing down, but really, focusing on what is important.
• 25:31
  Right.
• 25:31
  1st.
• 25:32
  Yes.
• 25:33
  Yeah.
• 25:33
  Because slowing down, I'm anything but a slow person.
• 25:36
  I am an intense person.
• 25:37
  I'm a fast person.
• 25:38
  I'm I think the last anybody would ever be able to say about me as an adjective that somehow or
• 25:43
  other included in the phrase slow.
• 25:47
  I would say that would not be a a proper word.
• 25:51
  Yes.
• 25:52
  Like what you said, it's like making the choices.
• 25:56
  Controlling and and not from a controlling perspective.
• 25:59
  I I have used that word a lot today.
• 26:00
  I don't know why, but, it very much about making choices that will align the most with
• 26:09
  what I need to do to serve my audiences, to serve because at the end of the day, that's the
• 26:14
  only thing that really truly matters from a business perspective is how can I show up for
• 26:22
  my audiences, even if I'm in pain, even if I got caught in traffic?
• 26:27
  Right?
• 26:28
  And, you know, all of those external sources, although pain is internal, we are within
• 26:34
  control of how we react to them.
• 26:37
  And we can choose to react from a place of resiliency ninja, which is metabolizing them
• 26:42
  faster so that we can move on to the next call, move on to the next speech, or conversation
• 26:49
  without allowing what was happening right before you, to interfere with your how you're
• 26:54
  showing up.
• 26:56
  So how do you spend less time being reactive?
• 26:59
  Oh, well, first, we have to have the self awareness that we're reacting
• 27:02
  Mhmm.
• 27:03
  Mhmm.
• 27:03
  I I think most people don't even know that they're reacting.
• 27:07
  Next thing, I really encourage people to choose better words in order to to create better
• 27:13
  solutions.
• 27:14
  Mhmm.
• 27:15
  The big, plank in my keynote.
• 27:17
  Choose better words to create better solutions.
• 27:20
  So let's work this through.
• 27:22
  Client calls me, the other day, he says, I'm stressed.
• 27:28
  I and, you know, me and stress is like, we're gonna have to talk about a new word.
• 27:33
  Choose a better word because you're not stressed.
• 27:36
  Stress is like this all encompassing word that we label for everything, and it's so ambiguous
• 27:42
  that we don't know how to actually solve and deal with the issue.
• 27:46
  Okay.
• 27:46
  Great.
• 27:47
  So what's another word?
• 27:48
  Well, I am worried.
• 27:52
  Okay.
• 27:52
  What are you worrying about?
• 27:53
  Well, I've got all these files that I need to get done.
• 27:57
  Okay?
• 27:57
  So are you overwhelmed?
• 27:58
  Yes.
• 27:58
  I'm overwhelmed.
• 27:59
  Okay.
• 27:59
  So of those files that are stressing you out, that have you worried that and overwhelmed, why
• 28:06
  don't you wanna deal with them?
• 28:07
  Well, because I don't like these files.
• 28:09
  I've been procrastinating on them for a long time.
• 28:11
  Okay.
• 28:12
  So now we can deal with that.
• 28:15
  Right?
• 28:15
  But when you said you're stressed out, I can't help you.
• 28:19
  And so yesterday, I was speaking to an insurance company.
• 28:24
  Small group training, and we talked about this.
• 28:27
  So, we were talking about the difference between good and bad stress.
• 28:32
  And the good stuff, deadlines, you know, big goals.
• 28:37
  Those are meant to by Eris or keep us alive.
• 28:41
  1 of the 2.
• 28:42
  Right?
• 28:43
  And a that's a great stress.
• 28:45
  Let's use those the way they should be.
• 28:48
  It's the bad stress that I believe you can almost completely eliminate if you learn how to
• 28:56
  metabolize them faster.
• 28:58
  And it's things like that are caused by worry, judgment of ourselves and others, the internal
• 29:07
  messenger of BS that create stories that aren't actually accurate and exaggerates and
• 29:12
  catastrophizes what's going on in our lives.
• 29:14
  Mhmm.
• 29:14
  And
• 29:16
  that
• 29:20
  is where I'm focused and on a mission to shift for people is how they deal with those so that
• 29:26
  we can just look at the obstacles that come up in our life.
• 29:30
  Things that happen.
• 29:32
  Just things that gotta be dealt with.
• 29:33
  They don't need any emotional bandwidth to them.
• 29:36
  They're just things that happen.
• 29:38
  Let's see.
• 29:39
  Yeah.
• 29:39
  And the brain will keep doing it to you.
• 29:42
  The brain the brain is there to protect you, and the brain doesn't know the difference.
• 29:46
  So to your place.
• 29:48
  Yeah.
• 29:49
  And I bet you you've seen this in your practice and in your speaking work as well on resilience
• 29:54
  that if people don't interrupt that pattern.
• 29:58
  Mhmm.
• 29:59
  Right?
• 30:00
  They can't the the brain.
• 30:02
  I love what you've said.
• 30:04
  It will just keep doing it to you.
• 30:06
  So the momentum, it's like, a snowball running down the mountain side in a cartoon.
• 30:14
  Yeah.
• 30:14
  When our actual problem is only an ice cube that's stuck in the middle of it.
• 30:20
  I like I like that.
• 30:21
  That that makes a lot of sense.
• 30:23
  And, it takes practice, like, to your point.
• 30:26
  Right?
• 30:27
  It's it's it takes practice and and understanding.
• 30:29
  Like you said, when you slow down, why did I react like that?
• 30:33
  But I think, you know, that whole once again of, you know, busyness keeps people distracted
• 30:38
  where they don't just stop to reflect and think, How come I just reacted to that person
• 30:43
  so badly?
• 30:44
  Right.
• 30:45
  And if you can do it in the middle of doing it to shift your what's happening, So I'm gonna
• 30:50
  give you two stories.
• 30:51
  I know we're probably close to being at the end of our time, but, one of them, I was in traffic
• 30:56
  in Toronto, and it's, like, you know, it's just total construction.
• 31:00
  And this guy is pulls in front of me into the construction zone.
• 31:05
  He was in my blind spot.
• 31:06
  I was in his spot.
• 31:07
  It was weird.
• 31:07
  It was it was a very annoying thing.
• 31:09
  And, of course, he hangs on the horn, and he puts his finger out the mirror and all this.
• 31:15
  And I'm like, I was actually stopped.
• 31:18
  Like, I'm going 5, but I wasn't quite stopped at one point it was, but, like, 5 kilometers an
• 31:23
  hour.
• 31:23
  I don't think I did anything that required you to me the finger.
• 31:27
  And so if you've ever you can imagine, like, he's got this huge truck with those great big
• 31:32
  mirrors.
• 31:32
  And so I can see him, and he can see me, because we're now having a conversation between
• 31:37
  cars.
• 31:37
  And I'm smiling, and I laugh.
• 31:39
  And I'm like, was that really necessary?
• 31:42
  Like, you know, a big word?
• 31:44
  And he just started laughing.
• 31:46
  And I could say he goes, no.
• 31:48
  He knew exactly what I was saying.
• 31:51
  So it's almost like when you notice that you're about to hang on the horn Mhmm.
• 31:57
  Go, oh, that's something I'm doing that I'm not proud I'm doing.
• 31:59
  Why am I doing Mhmm.
• 32:02
  Another example, my mom, we we've sort of switched roles now more.
• 32:07
  Right?
• 32:08
  Like, because I able-bodied again.
• 32:10
  I'm out doing what I do.
• 32:12
  I have been for years now, and she still lives with me.
• 32:16
  And she's become very, very close in my life, and I love having her around, in my day to day.
• 32:23
  And she has some heart troubles.
• 32:24
  So she would be in the hospital, congestive heart failure, right, and I'm in the parking
• 32:31
  lot.
• 32:31
  Trying to get out can't get the, you know, a card to work or can't find money to get out or
• 32:36
  I left my wallet at home or whatever the case may be.
• 32:39
  And I'm being a raving biatch to the parking attendant.
• 32:45
  And Early, I wasn't aware of what that was about.
• 32:50
  And this is why interrupting what you're doing and saying by asking you choose better words is
• 32:58
  really powerful because the truth is I was scared out of my mind about what gonna happen
• 33:04
  with my mom, and I was trade taking it out on a parking guy.
• 33:08
  Mhmm.
• 33:09
  And so now because I have that awareness, If I notice I wanna be, like, reactive in a
• 33:16
  situation, I'll interrupt that thought and go, what's really going on here?
• 33:20
  Name the true emotion.
• 33:23
  Fear, anger, disappointment.
• 33:26
  Like, name it for and what is it about?
• 33:29
  It wasn't about the parking guy, and I forgot my wallet, which by the way, not his fault.
• 33:36
  It was about a true emotion that at the time, I was afraid to feel about my mom.
• 33:45
  Mhmm.
• 33:47
  And that takes, like, to to your point.
• 33:49
  It's hard to do oftentimes in the moments.
• 33:52
  It takes practice to be able to do that.
• 33:54
  So that's the parts that, you know, I could see the ninja kinda getting in there and taking
• 33:59
  over.
• 34:00
  Body dropping that thing.
• 34:02
  And then, you know, and I think, like, to your point, you're kinda in the mock and then you
• 34:06
  think, how did I get here?
• 34:08
  And if you wanna get in the muck a little bit less often, then you kinda start think back and
• 34:13
  say, what why was I triggered?
• 34:14
  Like, what happened?
• 34:15
  Like, you said, my mom's in there, and I'm not sure, you know, how things are going.
• 34:20
  And, you know, I'm not I'm not really wanting maybe to think about that or really resource
• 34:25
  those feelings, but at some point, it's kinda getting in contact with that.
• 34:29
  And like you said, it's that downtime, right, where we ready to learn about who we are,
• 34:34
  especially with 95% of what we do is unconscious.
• 34:37
  We really have to take that time to be able to to to flourish by by slowing down, going out in
• 34:45
  nature, whatever it is that, you know, you do to recharge.
• 34:48
  Yeah.
• 34:48
  Exactly.
• 34:50
  Well, Allison, this has been phenomenal.
• 34:53
  And, I, you know, it's nice to talk about pea with people that talk about same things that I
• 34:58
  do.
• 34:58
  I know.
• 34:58
  I think it's so fun.
• 34:59
  And there's so much business out there.
• 35:01
  Right?
• 35:02
  Like, we just have to let audiences know that you're available.
• 35:05
  I'm available.
• 35:07
  And we both get out there and teach because resilience is, I believe, the foundation for
• 35:13
  the quality of life you will have.
• 35:15
  For sure.
• 35:16
  So, in reference to where people can reach you, if they were, you know, interested in having
• 35:22
  you come in to speak at their organization or their companies, where where could people reach
• 35:27
  you?
• 35:27
  Best bet is to come to my website at our dash ninja.com.
• 35:34
  So resiliency ninja, but rdash ninja.
• 35:37
  And, come see me there.
• 35:38
  And I'm also on all the main social medias So Allison, d as in Don, Graham.
• 35:45
  Awesome.
• 35:46
  Well, thanks again.
• 35:47
  So for everyone, grateful that you're here with us today and, stop.
• 35:54
  You know, it seems simple.
• 35:55
  And, you know, sometimes it's difficult to kind of get the dance that you're doing when you're
• 36:00
  winning it.
• 36:01
  And but if you wanna change that step, it takes reflecting or side stepping and really
• 36:06
  thinking, what outcome do I want a bit different?
• 36:09
  So if you're needing more information on me, you can meet me at roxanderhodge.com.
• 36:14
  And like I said, I speak on mental wellness and resilience.
• 36:17
  Okay, Allison.
• 36:18
  Take care.
• 36:19
  And thanks again.
• 36:20
  Okay.
• 36:20
  Bye bye.
• 36:21
  Talk to you soon.
• 36:23
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
• 36:29
  healthy change.
• 36:30
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
• 36:36
  roxannedurhaj.com/blueprint.
• 36:40
  We'll see you next time.
• 36:42
  An authentic living with Roxanne.