Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Why We Wear the Mask of "I’m Fine"
Transcript
- Intro/Outro: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy your way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, rise up live. Joy your way. Kamini Wood: Hi there. Welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy your way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to just hang out here with me. And today I wanna talk about, um, two words. That have become a reflex for so many of us. When somebody asks us how we are or you know what's going on, it'll we'll say something to the effect of, I'm fine, or It's fine. And those two words actually shut down [00:01:00] connection. Uh, they silence the emotions. They kind of build walls, especially when what we really mean. Anything but fine. So if you've been saying, I'm fine, but feeling anxious, numb, overwhelmed, lonely, or maybe all of the above, you're not alone. And I want you to maybe tune in to see what little nuggets you might be able to pick up. Because I believe that behind the mask of fine, there's usually a story. Uh, and I know because I've said it myself, I will say everything's fine. Um, but usually there's a story. Sometimes the wound, um. So let me also start, I wanna break this down into segments. So the first one is the teen version of, I'm fine if you're a parent or an educator or a coach. You may know this, this sort of conversation. Hey, how are you? Fine. That's it, that's all you get. Uh, but here, what, here's what really could be going on. Well, teens will, will [00:02:00] say they're fine, because that feels safer than saying, uh, the truth, which is, I have no idea what I'm feeling. Uh, I'm afraid if I share, you're gonna judge me. I don't wanna burden you. Um, I'm really not fine, but I really don't, I'm scared to talk about the things because we might end up on this whole trajectory of now we have to actually look at the thing and it's really scary and I don't wanna deal with that. Or maybe you're gonna lecture me. Any of those things in adolescence, the emotional vocabulary is kind of smaller, but also the pressure to seem put together is really intense. There is social comparison, there's fear of disappointing the adults in our lives. There's the weight of expectations. Um, all of these things create. This place where it feels scary and risky to really share what's going on. And so they protect themselves when they feel like somebody's asking them a question, they go into this place of, I'm just gonna give the most basic answer and try to shut it down. I noticed a different energy. I noticed something seems off, and I'm here if you wanna [00:03:00] talk. There's absolutely no pressure to talk because what it's important to say is you're not trying to pull something out of them. What you're trying to do is create space so that they can come to you when they're ready to talk about it. Now let's talk about young emerging adults. You know, the college age students are the ones who've just, they've graduated that, you know, the early part of their adulthood. Um, so they're in that in-between space of, of independence completely and sort of still needing a little bit of support from their family. And the way that I hear this usually is, oh, I'm fine. Things are just really dizzy. Uh, everything's good, I guess. Well, it's. You know, it's fine. Uh, and really what could be happening underneath of all that is a feeling of isolation, pressure, uh, burnout. Fear. Fear that they're not gonna be able to figure out who they are or what they want. And they're scared of how to, how to figure out how to be okay in this world where [00:04:00] maybe they feel anything but okay. Young adults are often praised for being high functioning, but performing fine doesn't mean that they're doing well. It just means that maybe they're really, really good at masking and because they're no longer kids, people often stop checking in. When our kids graduate, we might get on sort of the bandwagon, not bandwagon, but we might get onto the. Routine of not checking in as often, but it's important that we do check in 'cause they actually need our support. So if you're a parent of a college age student or a young adult, you might want to try saying something like, you don't have to have it all figured out. And I'm not here to fix anything. I'm just here to, to be with you and to, um, help in any way that you need. So it's instead of it. Saying that you're, you're trying to fix it. You're just there to support them. But again, this is about building an em an emotional safety net, where they know that it's okay to be themselves. They don't have to mask. And then we get into US adults, you know, when we get to our thirties, forties, and fifties and beyond, [00:05:00] I'm fine. Tends to become very automatic. We say it to coworkers, to our partners, to our friends, to our kids, even to ourselves. Um, I've caught myself saying, it's fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine. Uh, and it's because we've been conditioned to believe that, uh, vulnerability is a weakness and that emotional honesty makes us seem unstable or dramatic or unprofessional. But behind the, it's fine. There's usually our own fears, sometimes deep fatigue, sometimes burnout, confusion, loneliness, grief, fear. Regret. There's a whole bunch of feelings that can be behind that fear or behind that. I'm fine. And so the other really important thing to remember is that we've also conditioned ourselves to just keep pushing through. And it's important to give ourselves permission to actually recognize that it's. Really. Okay. We're allowed to not be fine. We are allowed to be human. [00:06:00] We are allowed to fall apart without labeling ourselves as broken because real strength is not in perfection in keeping it all together. You know, real strength comes with becoming aware of what's going on, accepting where we're at, and then taking an action to move through it. And so it's actually a power move to say, actually no. Right now I'm struggling with something. So how do we stop dropping the I'm fine mask? The very first thing to ask yourself is, what am I actually feeling right now? What might I be afraid of if I actually say that out loud? And who in my life feels safe enough that they can hear this real answer? And do I need to cultivate others in my life where I can find that safety? Some simple swaps for I'm fine, could be. Well, I'm managing, but you know, there's some, there's certain things that are heavy that I'm working through or, you know, I [00:07:00] actually don't know how exactly I'm feeling, but, and then fill in the blank. Um, or, you know, well actually I'd love to be able to talk about what's been going on in my life. It breaks up the pattern of automatically saying, I'm fine. If somebody does share their truth with you, it's important to not try to fix it for them or rush to solve it, but to really acknowledge them and to say, Hey, I'm here with you. Like for instance, saying, wow, that sounds really hard. How can I best support you right now? Because the truth of healing, it doesn't just come with solving something for somebody. It starts with seeing them and really hearing them. To be fair, that's what I've based my coaching practice on, is really giving space to my clients where they can feel seen and heard and valued. And to know that whatever it is that they're feeling is not only okay, but it actually gives us information of how to, you know, work through and get curious with it. So before you say, I am [00:08:00] fine, I want you to take a breath and to really ask yourself, how am I doing really? And maybe the person who you're in conversation with isn't the one that you really wanna have that deep conversation with, but it's an invitation to reach out to the people that you do feel fully supported by. And if you'd like to talk about how coaching could support you, feel free to book a time with me anytime@coachwithcolony.com. And until next time, stay well. Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy your way for more information. Book a chat with Kamini@www.chat with Kamini.com, or visit her website@www.com wood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram. Username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening.