Latest / The BEYOND Podcast / Gavin Stone: Spy Secrets of Reading People and Influence
Transcript
- 0:00Unknown: Mr. Gavin Stones, you are a total communications mind
- 0:09reader. I could tell you something that
- 0:11you were holding back then from when I said that I'm not going
- 0:13to. I'm not.
- 0:14No, you've written a lot of books.
- 0:17Your career. You went from intelligence work
- 0:21to CEO. In the intelligence world, I
- 0:23mean, some of my assignments, one of my very, very first
- 0:26assignments, I was sat down and they said to me, find out how
- 0:30the Russians are getting rail and information out of Korea,
- 0:34speak to somebody, find somebody, target them
- 0:37deliberately. And then we have to talk them
- 0:40into doing something that's not in their best interest, could
- 0:42get them killed or in prison for life, or even their family
- 0:45killed or imprisoned, Ask them to betray their country, commit
- 0:48treason and steal secret information.
- 0:51There's two most important things.
- 0:52And this is where the big difference is between getting to
- 0:55know people, not just who they are and their personality type,
- 0:58but how they want to be perceived.
- 1:02Mr. Gavin Stone, you are a total communications mind reader, body
- 1:10language expert. Is is that like a good summary?
- 1:15Well, yeah, so it's it's one of those things where people say to
- 1:18me also, you're a body language expert and say, yeah, and they
- 1:21follow their arms. So what am I thinking?
- 1:23Yeah, I'm trying not to do anything.
- 1:24You see, I'm just. People do that.
- 1:26There's. No, no, no.
- 1:28I'm actually happy for you to to read my body language as well,
- 1:32because I also want to improve as a podcaster.
- 1:34We all want to improve. And if there's something that
- 1:37I'm doing that you feel I could improve, please tell me.
- 1:41No, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared.
- 1:44But yes, you bring your skills to governments, to boardrooms,
- 1:49to negotiations. You train people, you've written
- 1:52a lot of books and yeah, you've got knowledge that people can
- 2:00definitely benefit from because we aren't as self aware as we'd
- 2:04like to think we are. And it's only when you see
- 2:08yourself on camera, like as a third parties of looking, and
- 2:12then you realize, do I really behave like that?
- 2:15Am I really speaking like that? And because you might think
- 2:18something in your mind, you might think or maybe the
- 2:20conversation is going flat or something like that.
- 2:22But then, that's not always what you think in your mind is not
- 2:25always what translates to how the world observes you.
- 2:29Funnily enough, part of our training when we, when we did
- 2:32the, the bit on deception detection, not only do we have
- 2:35to learn to read other people and we're learning all about
- 2:38going to their tells when we go through it's, I suppose it's
- 2:42kind of like an interview very much like this where you set up
- 2:45with someone, all the cameras are on you and afterwards they
- 2:48give you the recording and they say, right, watch it back
- 2:51because you're the only one who knows when you're lying.
- 2:54So therefore you need to learn your own tells.
- 2:56And when you learn your own tells, you can not only suppress
- 3:00them a little when you're when you know you're being deceitful,
- 3:04but at the same time you can also pepper them in another part
- 3:06when you're being truthful. OK, 'cause I was gonna say, why
- 3:09are you training yourself to be more deceitful then?
- 3:12So if if you imagine working in the world of intelligence,
- 3:15sometimes you have to work. Oh, you have to, but for the
- 3:17greater. Good.
- 3:17Yeah. So there's loads and loads of
- 3:19reasons that you might be playing a role, for example, and
- 3:21the Ministry of Defence and the intelligence agencies all around
- 3:24that, they love role play. And you, you know, you cannot
- 3:27break cover, but you know, at any expense you must be able to,
- 3:31to kind of continue down that path.
- 3:32And and therefore it's important that you learn what your tells
- 3:36are so as that you don't mess up in the middle of something and
- 3:39and it has been done many times. Oh wow, I didn't.
- 3:42I literally never thought about it from this angle.
- 3:44I, I don't consider myself a very good liar, so I just, if
- 3:50there's something I don't want to say, I just, I know that if I
- 3:53lie about it, it's going to be terrible, so I'd avoid saying
- 3:56it. That's how I I'm aware enough to
- 3:58know that, so I think don't even go there.
- 4:01The problem is if someone asks me directly.
- 4:06Yep, a lot of people tend to do that.
- 4:08That kind of silent breakaway from.
- 4:10Every breakaway but. That can be in itself can be a
- 4:12tell, you know, and I've seen it, you know, if you can't have
- 4:15imagine maybe it's a house share and you've got four or five
- 4:19people living in the house and somebody comes running
- 4:22downstairs from the bathroom and they go who used all my shampoo?
- 4:25And three of the four people in the room say it wasn't me, it
- 4:28wasn't me, it wasn't me. But one of them say like that.
- 4:30Yeah, yeah, yeah. That then, you know, you know,
- 4:32it's them. And it sounds obvious when it's
- 4:33put in a scenario like that. But that that comes from the the
- 4:37the fight freeze or flight response that so many people
- 4:40have. And of course, you know, the
- 4:42natural instinct is to kind of freeze, you know, saying
- 4:44nothing, keep still, don't look, don't make eye contact.
- 4:46And hopefully the threat goes away.
- 4:49Well, you think these things, so we're going to let's let's just
- 4:52bust some of these. So what is the biggest body
- 4:54language myth out there? That one thing equals one
- 4:58thought. So for example, people turn
- 5:01around and say, I could tell you a line because you had your arm
- 5:03solved it. Well, that's complete.
- 5:04Not a real issue. Yeah, there's there's no one
- 5:07thing that gives away a thought or an action or or anything
- 5:11else. It's what you're looking for is
- 5:13clusters. So if you're looking for
- 5:16somebody who you, you're not sure if they're being deceitful
- 5:19and they give you 3 or more clusters of, of body language
- 5:23tells. So if they pull their feet in
- 5:24while they fold their arms while they look down, their blink rate
- 5:27goes up. You know, their, their voice
- 5:29tone changes, you get clunky speech.
- 5:31There's so many different flags you can look for.
- 5:34And I generally say you know, any less than 3, then discount
- 5:37it entirely 3 or more. That's when you need to start
- 5:40asking. Questions.
- 5:40But if you don't know someone, you don't know what their
- 5:42emotional base is, so it's very hard to read.
- 5:45I suppose you're getting to know them, yes.
- 5:47Yeah, you have to baseline each and every person 1st.
- 5:50And that, that's the part that's the the bit that's misunderstood
- 5:54more than anything. Because even though body
- 5:55language in itself is a language, it's also something
- 5:58that you have to learn it each and every time with each person.
- 6:02And establishing a baseline is all well and good, but you have
- 6:05to also understand that that baseline can also deviate too.
- 6:09Somebody's normal behavior when you baseline them in their home
- 6:13is going to be different to that in the course of law.
- 6:15It's going to be different to when they're drinking with their
- 6:17friends. It's going to be different at
- 6:18work. It's going to be different their
- 6:20parents and they'll have different baselines for all
- 6:22these different scenarios and situations.
- 6:24So you have to, you know, baseline them according to the
- 6:27environment and the situation, and then wow.
- 6:30So to be a really good body language expert, you've got to
- 6:33be highly analytical. Yeah.
- 6:36And it's exhausting as well. So it's something that, you
- 6:39know, you can kind of learn to be more, you know, kind of aware
- 6:46of it, but at the same time, sometimes you just want to
- 6:48switch it off and just say that's it.
- 6:50I just want to walk around with the blinkers on at the moment
- 6:52and take no notice. OK, yeah, because because you
- 6:55know, to pick these things up, you're trying not to pick them
- 6:58up. OK, so if you only had 60
- 7:02seconds to teach someone 1 trick to read people better, what
- 7:08would that be? For reading people better, I'd
- 7:10probably say blink right? This is one that really goes
- 7:14underrated. I know your eyes never.
- 7:18So what it does, people's people's blink rate changes
- 7:22dependent upon stress, and that's the amount of blinks per
- 7:26minute. So if you can imagine somebody
- 7:29who's watching the film or reading a book or concentrating
- 7:31or listening intently, their blink rate is very, very low.
- 7:36Maybe one, maybe even 2A minute. If somebody is in a high stress
- 7:40situation, their blink rate is going to be a lot more.
- 7:43And that can be, you know, kind of even up to 90 blinks per
- 7:46minute. So what you do, just count it
- 7:48over 6 seconds, multiply it by 10.
- 7:50You're not counting the blinker arena.
- 7:52Yeah, that's why I think you feel overwhelmed.
- 7:55But yeah, blinkerate would be a good one.
- 7:57There's a lot in the eyes, yeah. And breath location as well, you
- 8:00know, just whether somebody's chest breathing or belly
- 8:02breathing tells you a lot. So yeah.
- 8:04That chest breathing or belly? So chest breathing is nerves.
- 8:07More people are kind of, and it doesn't necessarily mean nerves.
- 8:11It could be excitement, it could be a number of things, but
- 8:14generally people are more relaxed when they're belly
- 8:16breathing in in comparison to when they're chest breathing.
- 8:19OK, OK. So in terms of your your career,
- 8:23you went from intelligence work to CEOs and the interest is
- 8:29what's the difference from spies to to bored dreams?
- 8:33Like how? How was that?
- 8:35Well, they like anybody in charge of anything.
- 8:38They want answers, you know, so it's something like when I did
- 8:42my work, it was very simply a case of this is what we want to
- 8:44find out, go and do it. And then you get to CEOs and
- 8:49they want answers of why isn't my company working?
- 8:52Why should, why am I not making more?
- 8:53Why is my competitor doing things or quicker market than
- 8:56me, whatever the questions may be.
- 8:58And what I'll do is I'll go in and I'll look at the overall
- 9:01situation. I'll be able to kind of say, all
- 9:03right, this is how we can amend this or this is a way we can.
- 9:06Find overall sorry situation. Do you mean with them or how
- 9:09they are in there? How they interact with people
- 9:12it. Could be any number of things,
- 9:13so it would all depend entirely on what the questions are the
- 9:17CEO wants the answer to to start.
- 9:19OK, so it might be why is my team not engaging with me?
- 9:22Or why? Why am I asking for one thing
- 9:24and getting another? On the other hand, it might be
- 9:27why do my competitors come out with a the same product as me
- 9:29six months before I do? And so, you know, entirely
- 9:33dependent upon what they want is wearable, then go in and kind of
- 9:38get the answers for them. Gosh, so you go into these
- 9:41companies and in a very intelligence full on way, you
- 9:45analyze that in great detail and you'll take different people
- 9:48into the room and you'll ask them questions.
- 9:50And I mean, is it like a proper interrogation?
- 9:54I don't know like. How so?
- 9:55Interrogation. Interrogation.
- 9:57A lot of people see that as like kind of waterboarding.
- 9:59People are not going to. It's not anything.
- 10:01Like that, you know it's. That most of the time it's just
- 10:03a conversation and I can generally spend within 2030
- 10:06minutes of somebody being able to tell enough about them to to
- 10:12know more about who they are and how they want to be perceived.
- 10:19God, I'm scared. I'm scared.
- 10:21I'm scared and excited at the same time.
- 10:23No, but that's fascinating. I would love to.
- 10:25It's, it's really a cool thing. I think it's a scary thing, but
- 10:30it's a thrilling thing, I think, to find out how people see you.
- 10:34And even if there's negative things, it's cool to know them
- 10:39because you can you can work on them.
- 10:41And then it's also cool to know the positive things, which might
- 10:45help you build your confidence. So either way, you win.
- 10:47Oh yeah, I think. So and the the more you get to
- 10:49know people, the better it is all around.
- 10:51Even with these companies, when I explain to them when it comes
- 10:53to even things like marketing, for example, yes, and and
- 10:56they'll say, oh, we know our customer and I'll say, no, you
- 10:58don't. You know what worked in your
- 11:00last marketing campaign, But just because you know what works
- 11:03doesn't mean to say you know how or why it worked.
- 11:05Could you repeat that with a completely different product or
- 11:08a completely different company and have the same results and
- 11:11they go, well, I, I don't know and say, well, in that case, you
- 11:13don't know your customer, you don't know why it worked.
- 11:16All you know is that something worked.
- 11:18And was it just a case of split testing so many things until
- 11:21eventually you, you hit the jackpot, You know, so getting to
- 11:24know people is the most important thing.
- 11:26And, and once you strip back all the fluff that's out there and
- 11:30get to know there's two most important things.
- 11:33And this is where the big difference is between getting to
- 11:36know people, not just who they are and their personality type,
- 11:39but how they want to be perceived.
- 11:42Oh. Stop it.
- 11:43That's profound. It really is something that's
- 11:45profound. That.
- 11:47They're they're what they're projecting and who they really
- 11:49are are generally millions of miles away from each other.
- 11:56Now we we this is. This is so cool.
- 11:59OK, so when you're negotiating, what non verbal cues give away
- 12:04something that someone's overselling like they're trying
- 12:09to try hard? So I don't know.
- 12:10I've changed my mind about three times with this one.
- 12:13OK, it'll all depend on the stakes, I suppose.
- 12:16And I, I kind of went down the road of the typical cheesy
- 12:20grinning car salesman who's very kind of touching and tapping you
- 12:23on the shoulders and that kind of thing.
- 12:24And yeah, and that's, that's the that's the one that for me.
- 12:28Trying too hard? Sort of.
- 12:30Yeah, they don't need to be verbally pushy, but they just
- 12:33you, you know that 10 minutes after you've left the room,
- 12:37they've forgotten your name because they're now doing
- 12:39exactly the same thing with the next customer.
- 12:41And that's where if you actually get to know your customer
- 12:45properly on a completely different level, you will lose
- 12:49that naturally and and kind of have a completely different
- 12:52result. Yeah.
- 12:54But all they in the car sales room trying to get there, get to
- 12:58know, Yeah, it's a it's a tricky 1, isn't it?
- 13:01Yeah. And of course, car salesman,
- 13:03again, it it is a numbers game where they've been doing it for
- 13:06so many years and that they're doing they're doing what they've
- 13:09always known because they've been taught and told by other
- 13:12people that worked or this is how you sell something.
- 13:14Yeah, a lot of the time it's not the case.
- 13:16You know, again, you're getting to know people.
- 13:18And if you've got somebody, for example, who projects themselves
- 13:22as a strength and power type personality and you're trying to
- 13:27sell to them using empathy, you're not going to sell.
- 13:31You know, you need to say, look, this, this, this 4x4, you're
- 13:33going to make you seen as being strong and powerful.
- 13:36And, and, you know, the, the, the big man on, on the road and
- 13:39then you're going to, you know, kind of give him what he needs,
- 13:43the dopamine rush he needs to, to, to go towards the decision
- 13:46you want him to make. At the same time, if you've got
- 13:48somebody who is an acceptance person and they want to be
- 13:52accepted into, you know, society more than you need to go down
- 13:57the road and say, look, you know, once you buy this car,
- 13:59you're going to be in the owners club and you're going to be
- 14:02you're one of the family of these car kind of people that
- 14:05and you so you're selling them the dream, but you're selling to
- 14:09their identity, and that's where it all changes.
- 14:13You know, my first job that I ever did was actually as a
- 14:17student and I had to sell alcohol in an alcohol store and
- 14:24a liquor store, and I had to sell Southern Comfort.
- 14:28And it was, I don't know if you know Southern Comfort.
- 14:30I do. You do.
- 14:31I've had plenty of it do. You like it?
- 14:33I do, yeah. Yeah.
- 14:34I don't. I really don't like it, although
- 14:36it just sort of tastes terrible and I'm a terrible liar.
- 14:40So I thought, what am I going to do now?
- 14:42But yeah, you kind of, you see the people and then you you sort
- 14:47of think, well, how can I break? First of all, I've got a problem
- 14:49with myself now because I'm a terrible.
- 14:51I can't tell you. It's delicious when it's not.
- 14:54And then so you have to work through that.
- 14:57And then also you've got it with sales.
- 14:59And that's when I thought, I actually like the challenge of
- 15:01trying to find out about this person and, and, and maybe step
- 15:06into their life and offer them something.
- 15:09So if they're like, you know, inside like a braise, you know,
- 15:11having a bra, it's a barbecue. And they say, OK, well, you can.
- 15:15And then I also said to the to the guy that likes a piece, help
- 15:18me, give me something to make this thing.
- 15:20Can we not put an umbrella, put some juice and crushed ice?
- 15:23Help me, help me. And then, you know, you make
- 15:25this little thing, you make a product out of it that that
- 15:27actually now it tastes all right.
- 15:29It's actually quite nice. And you can have this at the
- 15:30barbecue and you sell them the vision.
- 15:33And there is this thing if you have, if you're able to go into
- 15:36someone's mind and then show them, you know, go in there and
- 15:41almost like have that experience with them of sharing this drink
- 15:44and you're having it together and then that translates to a
- 15:46sale. That's an incredible experience
- 15:50all round, I think. Yeah.
- 15:51And it works well with because the majority of people are
- 15:54visual people. So if you can get them to kind
- 15:56of see what you want them to see and and in their mind, they will
- 16:00create it how they want it to be.
- 16:01Yeah. So whether it's a fire pit or a
- 16:03bar, because the details are irrelevant, they will edit it in
- 16:05their mind. And when once you've got them
- 16:07down that that route, as it were, the rest is just about
- 16:11kind of, you know, the, the final push of how many bottles
- 16:14do you want? But there's a way you could take
- 16:18that even further. And this is where if you look at
- 16:22certain products in comparison to others, some products sell a
- 16:29label and other products sell an identity.
- 16:33So, for example, if you're buying a Harley-Davidson, you
- 16:36then identify yourself as a Harley-Davidson rider.
- 16:40You know, people have Harley-Davidson patches and
- 16:42tattoos and all sorts of things. They're by the posters and the
- 16:45merchandise. But you don't see very many
- 16:47people having a Peugeot moped tattoo because you.
- 16:50Know it's a product. Yeah, you know, you get, you get
- 16:53exactly the same thing with so many things.
- 16:54You, especially with things like phones, you know, this is, I'm
- 16:57an Android user or I'm an Apple user because they're that that's
- 17:01who they are. That's who they see themselves
- 17:03as. It's part of their identity.
- 17:05Now, not just a product, everything else in the world is
- 17:07a product, but certain very clever companies are selling the
- 17:11identity. And of course, if you've got
- 17:13your bourbon drinker and you're trying to sell them Southern
- 17:16Comfort, you don't have to lie. You can just turn around and say
- 17:19something along the lines of, look, I'm not a bourbon expert,
- 17:22but I can clearly tell you or somebody who knows quality when
- 17:25you see it. Why won't you, you know, would
- 17:27you, would you take a sample of this and you should be able to
- 17:30know instantly that this is a next level quality bourbon and
- 17:34give them a sample. And of course, you know, you,
- 17:36you, you play on their identity and say, if you're the expert, I
- 17:39perceive you as being, then obviously you'll know this is
- 17:42that's yeah. And and you've built the story.
- 17:45Then I'm going to back out to them and say I'm not an expert
- 17:48or on, especially when you've kind of LED them down the path
- 17:51of of building up their ego. You must know that they're the
- 17:54expert. Then you better have that right
- 17:56if they're in. A liquor store looking for
- 17:59whiskeys, then you know, you kind of you half the battles
- 18:01done for you. So, you know, it's, it's just
- 18:04about, you know, giving them that final nudge towards the
- 18:08product you want them to have. I was going to say how can a
- 18:12leader learn to quickly read a room?
- 18:15But I'm not going to say leader. I'm just going to say, how can a
- 18:17person learn to read a room quickly?
- 18:21Anyone can do it in a boardroom scenario or any other scenario
- 18:24like that. Ask a very difficult question on
- 18:28watch where everyone's eyes go. It's as simple as that.
- 18:31So if you've got a, you know, you're all sitting around a, you
- 18:34know, a bold meeting table and you ask the most awkward
- 18:37question you can, the people will look in the room for the
- 18:40person they want comfort from. Oh yeah, the one who?
- 18:43They look in charge, you know, and, and the person in charge is
- 18:46not necessarily the person who is highest in rank or the CEO,
- 18:49but that's the person that they will go to to say what's the
- 18:52answer to this? Or people do exactly the same
- 18:54things with jokes and humor. If if ever you want to know if
- 18:59somebody is interested in you, you need to tell a funny joke.
- 19:02And people, when they laugh, they always look at the person
- 19:05they like the most before they actually start laughing.
- 19:08So or or while they're laughing. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna be
- 19:11analyzing now. So they do that because it's
- 19:13kind of it's almost like a social consent to say how how
- 19:17much do we laugh at this do? You find this.
- 19:19Funny because if you don't, I'm gonna stop laughing.
- 19:21But if you do, I can laugh more. And, and it's, it's kind of a if
- 19:25the person you like is laughing quite hard, it's a social
- 19:27license thing to say, Oh, I can laugh really hard at this as
- 19:29well. And it looks like something, a
- 19:31bonding moment where we're both kind of laughing together.
- 19:34So when I say like this doesn't necessarily need to be sexual
- 19:39attraction. It can be, you know, just just,
- 19:41you know, blokes in a room just looking at each other and
- 19:43they'll, they'll look at the one that.
- 19:46Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of have that have that
- 19:49shared moment I. Think in general, if you like
- 19:51someone, you look at them and you avoid eye contact if you
- 19:53don't right it. Depends on the situation.
- 19:56So again, I don't, I don't want to go down the route too much of
- 20:00sexual attraction, but that can vary so much, especially if it's
- 20:05somebody, and this is by no means sexist, but if you've got
- 20:09a female, it's just for an example who's having a bad hair
- 20:12day and you know, their makeup's not quite how they wanted to be.
- 20:15And maybe they've got a spot, whatever, and the person that
- 20:18they really like. Like walks into the room.
- 20:20It's very much the ostrich effective.
- 20:22If I can't see him, he can't see me.
- 20:23So they might avoid contact and carry on working.
- 20:26So, yeah, yeah. Just out of self consciousness
- 20:28yeah again, you know OK, there are so many variations of
- 20:33situations that I don't like to put you know, A1 size fits all
- 20:37when it comes to body language It's because I.
- 20:39Have always thought, but I mean not not relationship stuff
- 20:42really like in a sexual sense, not that, but like in general
- 20:46people, you know, just two people when they work together.
- 20:50I think if there is more eye contact, they're more.
- 20:53They like each other more just as as people and if they're
- 20:56less. Yeah, especially if it's
- 20:57prolonged. On that's what I found.
- 20:59Yeah, if, if, If it's prolonged, then even more so.
- 21:02OK, OK, so what's 1 body language mistake that instantly
- 21:08weakens your credibility, your authority?
- 21:12Quick movement so if you if you think of the animal world and if
- 21:18you look at the predators like a big tiger that kind of paces
- 21:22through the jungle very kind of, you know, steady controlled
- 21:25movements and you know and if you then compare that to that of
- 21:30prey instead of the predator and.
- 21:32They're. Very looking around and.
- 21:34Very erotic. Yeah, so, so of course they're
- 21:37the other headlines are all I was darting around and that
- 21:40kind. Of they're actually true.
- 21:41So if you want to to come across as somebody who's kind of weak,
- 21:45then that was very quick, rapid, quick fire, sharp, snappy
- 21:48movement, OK. What happens if you're a
- 21:50cheater? If you're a cheater then you sit
- 21:53there with your paws crossed and you say I already know I'm the
- 21:55fastest, I don't need to. Run, yeah.
- 21:57But when you do run, when you do run, you run.
- 21:59Then you give it. Yeah.
- 22:01I love looking into the animal Kingdom for cues on behavior.
- 22:04And I kind of see, I sometimes see us, you know, we are
- 22:07animals. But I really do see it.
- 22:08It's almost like I've grown up South Africa.
- 22:10So I think of the jungle a lot, you know, and people having the
- 22:13territories like a lion and then you've got the lionesses and
- 22:16they're guarding. And if another lion dares go in
- 22:19and take those resources. And there's the big argument,
- 22:22you know, and then there's rank and all that.
- 22:25It's it's just everyone protective of their little slice
- 22:28of whatever it is they've got. And like I see a corporate work
- 22:31environment is that. It's.
- 22:32Totally the same, isn't it? If you want to know, if you want
- 22:35to get really, really good at body language and the two things
- 22:38you should watch are animals and children, because animals are
- 22:43great because they, you know you, you can see when an animal
- 22:47is relaxed or not purely by how they hold themselves.
- 22:51We've got this great big vulnerable area.
- 22:54And when we are feeling vulnerable, we'll cover it up.
- 22:57We'll fold our arms, we'll pull a pushing in, or we'll.
- 23:00Yeah, we'll go small. In the way, yeah, we'll shrink
- 23:02down, we'll do our. I saw you sitting like this, so
- 23:05you must be very. Comfortable are you usually a
- 23:08bigger, bigger giveaway is actually the feet.
- 23:09So if your feet are like kind of right out there, then you're
- 23:12really relaxed. You're.
- 23:13Tucked. Right under the chair then.
- 23:15Well, I'm doing my microphone madness.
- 23:17OK. Yeah.
- 23:18Well, similar kind of thing, so, but yeah.
- 23:21Confident. It's it's still something that
- 23:24you know the the kind of fatal position of curling up is
- 23:27generally. Any smaller and like this and.
- 23:29Yeah and if somebody's more confident then there will be
- 23:32wider and taking up space and you know the the this man
- 23:36spreading thing has been doing the the rounds now I.
- 23:38Found myself doing. I went, I had a guest here just
- 23:42before who we won't say it now, but yes.
- 23:44And there was something that the guest said and it made it really
- 23:47affected me. Like I was really sad and like,
- 23:49totally, like I've taken shocked.
- 23:51And I just found myself just, yeah, I went like this.
- 23:54And then I was like, oh, you've got your hand in front of your
- 23:57face at the bottom. But yeah, I felt it.
- 24:00Just you. Know that shows the the level of
- 24:02empathy that you have as so you you're not just listening to
- 24:06what's being said, you're actually processing it as if
- 24:09you're almost. Living it, but it's very
- 24:11distracting when you're processing.
- 24:13Things too much? It's very distracting.
- 24:15I've got to stick to the script and I'll get taken off track.
- 24:19OK, so when someone we spoke about this a little bit,
- 24:22someone's not saying anything at all.
- 24:24You ask them a question, they're silent.
- 24:28How do you interpret that then? Again, depending on the
- 24:31situation, if it is a scenario like we talked about with the
- 24:34shampoo bottle and somebody silent, then it stands a chance.
- 24:36It's probably them use use your shampoo.
- 24:39There are other other times where people was like, I don't
- 24:44know, and therefore I'm not going to say anything or even
- 24:47more so I do know and that's my reason for keeping quiet because
- 24:52I don't want to say it was Bob, yeah, or whoever.
- 24:55Yeah, that, that that can happen.
- 24:58OK, 30 minute credibility screen, let's let's go through
- 25:04it. How do you separate signal from
- 25:08noise? Substance is going to be the
- 25:12main thing here with listen to how much the person is actually
- 25:18telling you with regards to are you getting information that is,
- 25:25you know, credible information or are you just getting a lot of
- 25:28fluff with information peppered in?
- 25:30And that's something where it depending on, on what, what you
- 25:35want from the conversation. And we, we actually did some
- 25:38training on this for, for a while about when it was buying
- 25:41time. And there's a friend of mine
- 25:43from MI 6, he could talk to you for three or four hours and not
- 25:46say a word. It's absolutely brilliant.
- 25:49You know it not when I say not say a word.
- 25:50Yeah, not give away. But there'll just be nothing of
- 25:53any sense. And you, you, you'll be there
- 25:55for ages, listening with intent, thinking there must be something
- 25:57coming. It's not.
- 25:58There's nothing happening. You're not getting anywhere.
- 26:02OK, OK. So in terms of what people say,
- 26:04linguistic red flags, are there some words, some some things
- 26:10people say that's automatically like?
- 26:12Yeah, a lot of, so I, I was taught statement analysis by the
- 26:16creator of it, which is absolutely fantastic.
- 26:19And, and it, it's, I'll give you the, the kind of the basics of
- 26:23it. But a lot of the time what you
- 26:26want to know, the information is either in the statement or
- 26:29missing from the statement. And that's the way you need to
- 26:31ask yourself what that person means.
- 26:34So for example, you could say to somebody, you know, you're
- 26:38coming to the room and you say, hey, my wallet's gone missing.
- 26:40Have you had it? And they might turn around and
- 26:43reply with something like, I haven't even seen your wallet or
- 26:45I don't know where you keep your wallet.
- 26:48OK. That's not a no.
- 26:49They haven't denied taking your wallet.
- 26:52Just because they don't know where you keep it doesn't mean
- 26:54say they haven't come across it. Just because they don't know
- 26:56where you normally keep it doesn't mean they haven't taken
- 26:58it. They've not answered the
- 26:59question in a way that satisfies the yeah, it pacifies the person
- 27:04asking, but it doesn't actually answer the question with a
- 27:06denial. And this is where you you need
- 27:09to kind of be a bit more astute with with what you're hearing
- 27:13and say, OK, did that answer actually answer my question or
- 27:17did it just pacify me? Is it just an answer?
- 27:19Because you would say I've not touched it.
- 27:21I've not literally not got anywhere near it, haven't seen
- 27:23it, haven't. Been so and that just grows in
- 27:26so many different ways you. Know, I love crime documentaries
- 27:30and things and I watch it and it's funny that with a with a
- 27:32criminal thing, they do slip around in that way when they're
- 27:36trying to lie and deny it and eventually it comes out that
- 27:38they've done this. But for behaviour.
- 27:41I'm fascinated by behaviour and communications and they do they
- 27:46do this what you were saying. Yeah, if you look at a lot of
- 27:49police statements, the the majority of them, over 90% of
- 27:53police statements have a pattern when it comes to deception.
- 27:56And if somebody's telling the truth, it'll be about 25% pre
- 28:01incident, 50% of the incident itself and about 25% post
- 28:06incident. Now if somebody's been
- 28:08deceptive, it'll be about 90% pre incident, about 5% with the
- 28:13incident, 5%. Rapidly Oh, I'm going to watch
- 28:16the crime things again and I'm going to analyse.
- 28:18Inherently, we don't want to lie.
- 28:21People don't like lying. They.
- 28:22Know, yeah. Yeah, so.
- 28:24It takes a lot of energy. Exactly.
- 28:25Oh, it certainly does, you know, and and consuming the cortisol
- 28:28produces on. Both.
- 28:29Oh, it's ridiculous. Liars tend to put it right up
- 28:31until the various as long as they possibly can.
- 28:34Then when they have to actually tell the lie, they'll quickly
- 28:37get it out and then move on and wrap it up and that's it and job
- 28:39done. That's why I do think, you know,
- 28:41with I've never understood liars, you know, like, OK,
- 28:45everyone lies is what the private investigator guy that
- 28:50Michael called the private investigator, he said to me, I
- 28:53questioned him. I was like, come on, because now
- 28:54everyone lies. I was like, OK, humble get back
- 28:56into my but, but I, you know, like even growing up in things
- 29:00like if someone didn't want to be in a relationship, why
- 29:03couldn't they just tell the person I don't want to be in a
- 29:06relationship? I know that it's hard, but lying
- 29:08is harder. It takes much more effort, no?
- 29:12And again, depending on every situation you have got, let's
- 29:17just take for example an average couple.
- 29:20I'm going to say the man cheats because that's what women love
- 29:22to hear. That they want.
- 29:23Sorry. The man cheats.
- 29:25The man cheats and instead of like, you know, kind.
- 29:27Of he doesn't tell her. He doesn't tell her she suspects
- 29:30something, but maybe he's cheated and thought I've made a
- 29:33massive mistake. I don't want to split up.
- 29:36I realize what I've done and I want to stay with my other half.
- 29:39Yes. So therefore, you know, he's not
- 29:41going to he's not going to tell that he's not going to risk.
- 29:43To never say you. Realize he's made a mistake and
- 29:46that's it. You know, on other occasions, it
- 29:48could just be down to the fact that they don't come to hurt the
- 29:52other person's feelings so much that they'd rather put
- 29:54themselves through misery than actually the confrontation and.
- 29:58I again, I didn't think about it like that because I just think,
- 30:02well, I would think, would you not feel yeah, better and then
- 30:08would be more of an equal relationship and a fair
- 30:11relationship because that's also cheating, because then you're
- 30:14cheating that person into being with you.
- 30:16So that's even worse because they're not with you knowing who
- 30:19you really are or what you've done.
- 30:21And if they still accept you despite you doing all that well,
- 30:24then that's great. They've accepted you and you can
- 30:26live free and be free of your. You know, I don't know.
- 30:30I just. It's.
- 30:31Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it all depends
- 30:34on the person and their upbringing and, and kind of, you
- 30:37know, what's worked for them or what hasn't worked for them in
- 30:39the past. And this is because people are
- 30:42creatures of habits and patterns.
- 30:44And if we've done certain things two or three times and in the
- 30:48past, it's it's ended up in, in resulting in negativity for us.
- 30:51We will try everything to avoid that in future relationships.
- 30:55Yeah, I think, yeah, yeah. OK.
- 30:59Where do people most often over interpret queues and then make
- 31:04false assumptions? When they're looking for them.
- 31:08And this is this is something that I can speak from experience
- 31:10with a particular case I had with industrial espionage.
- 31:15And I was called in over money that was getting going missing
- 31:20from the company accounts. And they did a lot of
- 31:22preliminary interviews that were recorded.
- 31:25And the recordings were sent to me.
- 31:27And the, the very first interviews were just a very
- 31:29basic, who are you? Where do you work?
- 31:33You know, what did you have access to these accounts, blah,
- 31:35blah, blah. And that was it.
- 31:36And it was just OK. Then the second lot of
- 31:39recordings were a little bit more in depth, but not, you
- 31:42know, not kind of interrogation level.
- 31:45And the recordings were sent to me to analyse and I sat through
- 31:48hours and hours and hours. And there was one particular one
- 31:51where I saw a lady and I thought she's doing something and I
- 31:56don't think she was doing it on the first video.
- 31:59So I went back to the first video and she wasn't in the
- 32:01second video. Every time she spoke, she'd do
- 32:03that. And I thought normally kind of
- 32:05covering the mouth and that kind of thing is usually a way of
- 32:09saying I don't want to. The truth again.
- 32:11So something that to me, I thought that's interesting.
- 32:15She wasn't doing it the first time.
- 32:16She was doing. It the very time.
- 32:18So yeah, OK. And I called mom and I said
- 32:20please have this lady in a room. I'm gonna come in and have a
- 32:23chat to her. And I just wanna know, you know?
- 32:25And I watched the video again and again, and I convinced
- 32:28myself that there was all the tells that were right.
- 32:31OK, so you can yourself. You know what I'm saying?
- 32:34To you about clusters, Yeah. You know this is the thing that
- 32:36one tell alone was pretty strong, but when I started
- 32:39looking for the other. Founders.
- 32:41I started seeing them and, and so I, I went in and I realized
- 32:45the mistake I'd made because the first video was taken in the
- 32:50winter time. The second video was taken
- 32:52earlier on in the year, coming towards spring.
- 32:55And by the time I got to the third video, we were almost in
- 32:58the summer. And I walked in and the lady
- 33:00looked at me. She said really showed.
- 33:02The pollen kept really high and she was rubbing her nose and I
- 33:04realized exactly what I'd done. OK.
- 33:09And that's something that I hadn't.
- 33:10Taken. You don't think she was doing
- 33:12that because she thought she's called in for it?
- 33:14No. Definitely not.
- 33:16No, I think you would know anyway.
- 33:18Nose was bright red like Rudolph and, and, and I'd give myself a
- 33:22serious talking to her that day. I mean, it was a long, long time
- 33:24ago and I was still very green and I realised, you know, that
- 33:28if, if. It's a good lesson.
- 33:30Oh yeah, definitely. You know if you look for it,
- 33:31you'll find it. OK, you know those lie detector
- 33:33machine things, Do they work? Not in the way people think they
- 33:37do so they they detect stress, not not deception.
- 33:43I would be permanently failing though, even even when I'm just
- 33:47like baseline, you know? It's just the, the IT, it
- 33:50basically measures spikes in stress levels and, and, and of
- 33:55course, because lying is stressful and it has the same
- 33:59kind of physiological reactions on yeah in the body.
- 34:03So therefore, if the stress levels go up at a particular
- 34:05question, it causes the the. But that, that that's so fair
- 34:09for people that are highly strung and stressed out, like
- 34:12all the time. And even the concept of a lie
- 34:14detector, you think someone's putting the thing that's so
- 34:17stressful. Yeah.
- 34:19And fail everything. So the, the thing to remember
- 34:21here is you're not trying to beat the machine.
- 34:23You're, you know, or even you're not even like kind of competing
- 34:26with the machine as it were. It's the person operating the
- 34:29machine that you have to be more conscious of, not.
- 34:33What are they doing? They're going to be watching you
- 34:36pre interview, post interview and during the interview.
- 34:39And so there's a friend of mine who worked Guantanamo Bay post
- 34:42911 and she used to get more information from the detainees
- 34:47walking to the interrogation room and walking from the
- 34:50interrogation room than she ever did in the interrogation room.
- 34:53Wow. Because I want to know.
- 34:55I want to know what she sees. It was a side by sidewalk which
- 34:58was very unofficial, very relaxed, very casual and they,
- 35:01they just felt more comfortable. So therefore they felt, you
- 35:04know, anything I'm saying here. I'm all right here you.
- 35:06Know and and of course that that whole level of comfort that she
- 35:09provided on the way to the interrogation room and then of
- 35:11course you'd get in there start the whole process off and then.
- 35:14Yeah, Then you get a bit nervous.
- 35:15Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.
- 35:19OK, so what's a telltale sign of a lie?
- 35:23Like really solid. Are you going to say blink rate?
- 35:26Maybe blink rate? Blink rate will be because it's
- 35:28probably one of the most accurate ones because of the
- 35:30stress levels in a lie. But there is no definitive kind
- 35:37of Pinocchio effect where you can say they did this, so
- 35:40therefore they're lied. But looking to them.
- 35:42Yeah. Certain was a.
- 35:44Level. Oh, yeah.
- 35:45So that I actually Jews, yeah. I mean, again, that that varies
- 35:49with different people. So again, not everybody goes to
- 35:52the same place. And this is where it went so
- 35:55wrong for the Pentagon. But you'll have to again ask
- 35:59that person questions to be able to establish where do they go to
- 36:02recall memories? Where do they go to create?
- 36:04Memories. So if I was going to say
- 36:06anything at all, look for clusters and look for change.
- 36:10What's you know, once you've baselined a person and you found
- 36:13out what's normal for them, then if something happens that's not
- 36:17normal, you can say, OK, why doesn't necessarily mean it's a
- 36:20lie, but it does mean something's different.
- 36:22And then you can start asking why.
- 36:25Oh, this is getting. Yeah.
- 36:28Makes me want to ask a whole bunch of people questions to
- 36:31find out if they're lying. OK, so calm authority if you
- 36:37want to communicate that it's the not scattering vibe.
- 36:41You don't want to be the meerkat, the mouse that's
- 36:43running into the hole. No fast movements.
- 36:46What else? Just a level of authority that
- 36:54is going to allow you to take charge of the room by doing
- 36:58everything a little bit slower, whether it's talking slower,
- 37:02breathing slower, walking slower.
- 37:04And that can be in any scenario. If you are the person in the
- 37:08room that is kind of the most comfortable, then people are
- 37:13going to look at you with a different level of of kind of
- 37:16why is it that everybody else is coming here and grabbing a seat
- 37:19and trying to be, you know, kind of neat and tidy and prim and
- 37:22proper. And this person is coming here
- 37:24and they are so relaxed. It's almost like they're at
- 37:26home. And if you can be the most
- 37:28comfortable person in the room, then you've got.
- 37:32I understand the, the, the scatty thing and I understand
- 37:36the, you know, the slow down because when you get together,
- 37:38you're scattering about. However, there's also just well,
- 37:44like you can see with me, I'm very comfortable now.
- 37:47I'm completely relaxed, but I'm animated and I'm much more
- 37:50expressive and I'm I'm naturally I was born 1,000,000 miles an
- 37:54hour. Like I can't help it.
- 37:55I was born completely hyperactive.
- 37:57So I I find it very difficult to my baseline is not slow and calm
- 38:01and relaxed. My baseline is always, but you
- 38:05know, yeah. And I don't really know how to
- 38:07describe it. You're comfortable so if you see
- 38:09where you've got your posture, where you're sitting right now
- 38:12from like kind of you know, below the shoulders down to your
- 38:15hips, you know thighs area that's not really moving, you
- 38:18can say you can still be animated with your hand.
- 38:20Oh, your body's not moving And if on the other hand you're
- 38:23sitting there not going well, what I think is and fidgeting
- 38:26like this, then that would be a bit more concerned.
- 38:28So moving kind of your arms and your legs not so bad.
- 38:31But overall, if you're you're comfortable, you can still be
- 38:34animated and still be kind of SAT permanently planted in the
- 38:38seat as it were, without looking like you're.
- 38:40Confidently, that's. Happening, yeah.
- 38:42That's an interesting one. Yeah, that's an interesting 1.
- 38:47So what's the one habit? A little micro habit that
- 38:50instantly destroys your, well, another person's perception of
- 38:55trust in you. Like, oh, you were trustworthy
- 38:57person, something that they're doing.
- 39:00Yes, yeah. I would again go back to that
- 39:02rapid movements. I know we have spoken about it,
- 39:04but it does kind of because people are more likely to trust
- 39:11people who are in control, who kind of can be themselves and
- 39:16are comfortable. That whole prey movement, you
- 39:19know, like, so you visualize the tigers cause of being very kind
- 39:22of, you know, relaxed as they walk through the jungle because
- 39:25they know there's not very many things that are going to come
- 39:27and attack them. That makes people feel huge
- 39:31levels of comfort. You know, they, they, they feel
- 39:34comfortable around you because they know you're in control.
- 39:37So when somebody is fidgeting and they're very short, rapid
- 39:41movements and whatever else, it makes people feel uneasy as
- 39:45well. You know, because of if you want
- 39:47to call it a vibe, you can, you know, there's lots of different
- 39:49ways of, of saying it, but they, they give off that vibe of being
- 39:51kind of, oh, we watched somebody looking at us very dodgy, kind
- 39:55of, you know, backstreet kind of deal, a kind of way I want to
- 39:59run away and constantly looking at their surroundings.
- 40:01And that, that's what makes people, you know, if you're
- 40:04constantly darting. Darting I love that.
- 40:07I love the scatty animal thing. It it actually makes complete,
- 40:11complete sense. So when you, you know, watch TV,
- 40:14you're watching news night, whatever it is you love island.
- 40:17I don't know what you watch at The Apprentice.
- 40:19Do you find yourself analysing people as to politicians, let's
- 40:22say? I think.
- 40:23Oh. Yeah.
- 40:25So I have done it for for different shows and news
- 40:26channels and that kind of thing, mainly over in the States more
- 40:28so. You have SO and you asked to do
- 40:31that. Yeah, and I think the the one
- 40:33the one in time I was actually on with with two other people.
- 40:36One was a a body language and and communication in non verbal
- 40:40cues expert. The other one was a FBI
- 40:43behavioural profiler, and we were looking at a particular
- 40:46case. And out of the three of us on
- 40:50this particular show, there was only myself that spotted that.
- 40:53The couple that were in the store at the time, nobody else
- 40:57had realized what they were doing.
- 40:59And when I pulled it up, I said, does anybody notice what they're
- 41:01doing in the store? And everyone was like, no,
- 41:04what's going on? I said, they're shoplifting.
- 41:07I'm like, oh, I said, but they did buy a block of cheese in a
- 41:11jar of coffee. I said, yeah, I said they did.
- 41:14I said, but if you watch when they walked in, they had four
- 41:17empty flat bags. And when they walked out, they
- 41:20got these bags absolutely filled.
- 41:21Yes. They paid for the coffee and the
- 41:23cheese. That was just a decoy, you know,
- 41:25And they walked out and they were.
- 41:27Oh, OK. We didn't notice that one.
- 41:31You're watching the details. Yeah.
- 41:34So if, you know, sometimes you have people that don't come
- 41:38across as very, their body languages isn't very good.
- 41:41Like, you know, they just, they let themselves down.
- 41:43But what they say is very credible and it makes sense.
- 41:46And you just sort of feel like, come on, you know, all the other
- 41:49way around. You know, they might have great
- 41:50body language, but then what they're saying is isn't great.
- 41:53So how do you coach people like that?
- 41:55Is there a way for them to marry up the, you know, if what
- 41:58they're saying is great, marry up the body language?
- 42:00Can you teach them? Yeah.
- 42:02I mean, it can be a tough degree.
- 42:04Yeah. I mean, if you look at going
- 42:05back to the elections when you got Bernie Sanders, bless him,
- 42:08who, you know, may have been a good candidate, I'm not going to
- 42:12get into politics. Yeah, I'm saying you may, you
- 42:14may not. I don't know.
- 42:15But the bottom line is when you see him sitting there in his
- 42:18chair with his mittens on like this, he he doesn't project
- 42:21authority. He's not somebody that you see
- 42:23as presidential material. So of course, you know, you
- 42:27would have to say to him, look, you know if you're going to be
- 42:29clinging onto the podium to keeping you to keep yourself
- 42:32upright, you're not going to be seeing it's.
- 42:34A good sign? So, you know, when, when people
- 42:38think of kind of world leaders and rulers, and I actually, I'm,
- 42:42I'm getting really, really annoyed with that term being
- 42:44used a lot because it's kind of flicking the narrative and
- 42:47people are starting to forget that they work for us.
- 42:50They are elected representatives of what we want.
- 42:53They've started the news and everyone started using the term
- 42:55leaders all over the place and rulers.
- 42:57And you know, like we're going back in time.
- 42:59But but the, you know, when you think of somebody who is meant
- 43:02to be representing your country, you want somebody strong and
- 43:06bold, you know, who can, who can kind of give that persona off,
- 43:10you know, and, and that's where your body language comes in.
- 43:14You want somebody who you know looks comfortable going we've
- 43:19got there. Yeah, yeah, who sits
- 43:21comfortably. I do watch, you know, watch the
- 43:24politicians when they interact with each other.
- 43:26There's a bit of a power game sometimes who shakes whose hand,
- 43:29which angle, the way that they sit, they try to command
- 43:34presence in the room. And sometimes there's
- 43:36competition with who's the the VIP in the room.
- 43:40And it's, it's also very. It makes one uncomfortable to
- 43:45see when there's a difficult conversation between the two
- 43:47politicians and you can see one rising depression and the voice
- 43:51goes up and the scatty mouse vibes start happening and you
- 43:54think, oh, you've got together, Come on, You know, you can kind
- 43:57of see it slipping. It's quite.
- 44:00And and this is where you, you, you know, when in these
- 44:03situations you need to do in the intelligence school ICBM, which
- 44:06the military guys when I was intercontinental ballistic
- 44:09missile, but it's actually instant calm breath method
- 44:12instant. Calm.
- 44:12Breath. Yeah, you can look at double in,
- 44:16hold it and let it go and that just kind of resets you
- 44:18momentarily. There's a couple of different
- 44:21ways of doing it, but that's that's one of.
- 44:22Them No, come on, let's learn it when you're under pressure.
- 44:25You feeling it? Yeah.
- 44:26So depending on what? You do what you.
- 44:28Do what the situation is you can, you can do the the box
- 44:30breathing or the it's I think it's in for in for seven, hold
- 44:35for five, out for 8. So it's 75 out.
- 44:37So you go in, hold. That's a long one.
- 44:50Yeah. And that's it.
- 44:51And that quick one that you do just like.
- 44:53That's fucking AA AA double. Yeah, like a really deep.
- 44:57Yeah, 2 quick snatches of breath in.
- 44:59You can do that through the mouth.
- 45:00I like that. I like that because it
- 45:01immediately snaps you out of that silly, you know, going down
- 45:04that rabbit hole, literally the rabbit hole behavior.
- 45:07I had a a podcast earlier with the lady who's a public speaking
- 45:12expert, really, really done it so many years.
- 45:14And she also spoke about the importance of that, that whole
- 45:17thing breathing, you know, you about to go red or you're about
- 45:20to feel really uncomfortable moment.
- 45:22And she's just also the breathing.
- 45:24And to always do that, even if you're comfortable, just to
- 45:26prepare your your your brain, your lungs, your voice books,
- 45:31all those have to do the humming, you know, but yeah, but
- 45:35but these people under pressure and in serious position and
- 45:38anyone under breath, you know, in a meeting, someone asks you a
- 45:40question you don't really know. And it's like, how can you just
- 45:42quickly reset yourself? So you're saying a double breath
- 45:44in. Yeah.
- 45:45Double double intake of breath. Very sharp metal novels, but it
- 45:48has to be like, you know, one and then another, like almost
- 45:51instant and. Yeah, I love that because that's
- 45:53a quick, actionable, actionable thing that you can do.
- 45:58So what? What intelligence gathering
- 46:00skills translate best to, you know, leadership to sales?
- 46:05Because you've got this amazing knowledge, but not everyone's,
- 46:08you know? Yeah.
- 46:09Criminal so. That's a double answer to that
- 46:12question. In the sense of leadership and
- 46:13sales, I segregate a lot because.
- 46:16They are different, yeah. You have kind of two different
- 46:18worlds. So with with leadership in the
- 46:21sense of in the intelligence world, I mean, some of my
- 46:24assignments, one of my very, very first assignments, I was
- 46:27sat down and they said to me find out how the Russians are
- 46:31getting rail and information out of Korea.
- 46:34That was it. That was it.
- 46:35And I was like. What are you supposed to do?
- 46:38And I was like, OK, not much to go on.
- 46:40I didn't get any Aston Martins or exploding watches or X-ray.
- 46:42Speaking no James Bond. Gear, none of the none of the
- 46:45toys. I was just, you know, instead of
- 46:46got what you're still doing here.
- 46:49So I was like, OK then. And it took me two or three days
- 46:52to to to do it, to complete the assignment.
- 46:56But that's the level of kind of free hand, your hands.
- 46:59So it's very different to the military where you tell when to
- 47:01be, where to be housing, you know, you.
- 47:03Give specific you've got no guidance.
- 47:05Yeah, it's nothing. You, you, you have training, and
- 47:08they expect you to rely on what you've learned to be able to
- 47:11just go out, do your job and come back.
- 47:13So that in itself sets up a leadership level of right, I
- 47:17have to do this for myself. And this is where you know your
- 47:21destination and however you get there is, is down to you.
- 47:26So you have to be your own leader.
- 47:28And when you're your own leader, you can bring other people in
- 47:31that can help you. And they, if you bring them on
- 47:34board with the same level of enthusiasm, they want to get to
- 47:37the destination just as much as you do.
- 47:40If you're with the right team and you, you encourage them in
- 47:42the right way. Gosh, what?
- 47:44Training, do you get to do that? It's like, how often do I mean?
- 47:48It was good. And I suppose what I had to do,
- 47:51I had to reverse engineer it because, well, I thought, OK,
- 47:53well if I was going to get Ralgon intelligence out of
- 47:55Korea, how would I do it? So I thought, well, the first
- 47:58thing I'd do is I'd find myself a Ralgon expert.
- 48:01And unlike McDonald's workers, there's actually very few.
- 48:04So there's a very short list of people.
- 48:06Then you look at the Ralgon experts that have operated in
- 48:08Korea. Then you look at what they've
- 48:10done and the works they've done and whatever else.
- 48:12And I, I trolled through a lot of work and, and papers and
- 48:15publications and that kind of thing until eventually I found
- 48:18one that was published with a Russian co-author.
- 48:22And I was like, ah, now I might be onto something.
- 48:25Then I checked him out. Turns out he'd got toys to the
- 48:27Russian Embassy. And that was it.
- 48:29Just kind. Of all come together, that's why
- 48:30you're called an intelligence, because you need to be
- 48:33intelligent too and. That was it, yeah.
- 48:36Once it was all confirmed, that was it.
- 48:37I went back two or three days and I got the answer.
- 48:39I did most of it without leaving my living room and, and and got
- 48:42the assignment completed. So that's why they kept
- 48:46employing me, I think. That's why you've got all the
- 48:48books and people love them and you're on this podcast and
- 48:51you're, yeah, the genius, very, very intelligent.
- 48:53But yes, yes, thinking on your feet, thinking by yourself, not
- 48:56having anyone tell you what to do.
- 48:58You come up with a plan and step by step, execute.
- 49:01It's very. That's the, I mean leadership is
- 49:05it goes into the whole people skills when it comes to things
- 49:08like sales as well. This is where the two kind of do
- 49:11overlap because leadership is something that if you're just
- 49:15telling people what to do, then you're not a leader.
- 49:18If they don't literally share the same dream as you and want
- 49:22to get there at the same time, then then you're nothing other
- 49:25than a boss, you know? You're just telling.
- 49:27People telling them what to do and they don't like that either,
- 49:29do they? If you're in a situation where
- 49:32you've got a dream or a goal or an assignment that you want to
- 49:34achieve and whatever your destination is, whatever your
- 49:37goal is, the team that are around you are all equally
- 49:40wanting to get there. All excited when they find out
- 49:42that we've taken another the tips 2 steps forward or
- 49:45disappointed when something's knocked back a little bit.
- 49:48And if they're as involved and invested into reaching the goal
- 49:51as what you are, then you're doing something right as a
- 49:53leader. Oh.
- 49:55Wow. It seems obvious, but it's.
- 49:58Yeah, it's not the case in a lot of companies.
- 50:00But you do want to bring people with you.
- 50:02Yeah, That's why I think comms in general communication, if
- 50:06you're speaking to people and you're checking in along the
- 50:09way, you've got more of you stand, more of a chance of all
- 50:11that stuff. Yeah, I've just had a talk about
- 50:13that actually with the NHS. We're looking at like kind of
- 50:18insider threats and that kind of thing.
- 50:20And I said the problem is, and it's a drawing kind of epidemic
- 50:24really within the workforce now is what I've called the 5:00 to
- 50:285:00 on Friday syndrome. And that's when it's 5:00 to
- 50:315:00 on Friday and people are they're, they're switched off,
- 50:35they're ready for the week, they're ready to go.
- 50:37And whatever happens in the office, whether the phone rings
- 50:39or the printer explodes, whatever, they're just not
- 50:42bothered. It's a Monday morning problem.
- 50:44And that 5:00 to 5:00 on Friday syndrome is, is spreading to
- 50:48most days of the week. You know, it's, it's, it's going
- 50:50through lunch breaks and it's nearly home time and it, oh,
- 50:53it's. Horrible.
- 50:54Yeah. And and that kind of negativity
- 50:59can spread through an office in a workplace like wildfire.
- 51:01And that's when you know, if you, if you kill that kind of
- 51:05like I say, I'll use the word vibe again, if you kill that
- 51:07vibe. Yeah, it is a vibe.
- 51:09Yeah, totally, totally. It's a vibe.
- 51:11Cause a lot of problems. OK, another problem, hostile
- 51:14people, hostile personalities and they, they're everywhere.
- 51:17How do you deal with hostile toxic people?
- 51:20Like it's so difficult to avoid a lot of.
- 51:23People go down the route of of sometimes you.
- 51:25Can't. Yeah, I mean, there will always
- 51:28be hostile people in everything you do.
- 51:29And of course, you know, if if you go down the confrontational
- 51:33route of, you know, somebody says or does something that you,
- 51:37you know, they're, they're argumentative with you.
- 51:39A lot of people try to want to win the argument and they they
- 51:43to them, they see that as a win. Instead, what you need to do is
- 51:47look and say, OK, what why is this person in that predicament,
- 51:51in that situation being, you know, this way in the 1st place,
- 51:54what's going on in their life? And once you turn around and
- 51:58say, right, I, I think it's Winston Churchill actually said,
- 52:00I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.
- 52:04And that's something that once you start with somebody you
- 52:07don't like, you generally find that there.
- 52:10When you scratch the surface and get a little bit deeper and find
- 52:13out what they really like, it's not always exactly the same as
- 52:16what they portray. That's where you that's where
- 52:20you've got a better way of dealing with hostile people.
- 52:22And this is more long term than just the I.
- 52:25Think you're right, you know, I think you're so right and I
- 52:28think that when we say that someone is hostile or toxic,
- 52:32we're almost put in that label so that we don't have to deal
- 52:35with them and I can't However, you're absolutely correct that
- 52:40yeah, if you probably did go deeper, you'd find.
- 52:43More reason. It's an excuse we give
- 52:44ourselves. It's an excuse I don't want to.
- 52:46I don't. Want to deal with?
- 52:48It too much like effort. Too much effort is the thing.
- 52:51And that's the truth. So and that tells you more about
- 52:54yourself as a person because then you need to ask yourself,
- 52:57okay, so why aren't making the effort?
- 53:00Everybody can be a good Christian to all the good
- 53:03Christians, but can they be a good Christian or, but you know,
- 53:06whatever good person, good whatever to to the person who's
- 53:09maybe a little bit nasty or a little bit toxic or a little
- 53:12bit, you know, boisterous or whatever, you know, you, you,
- 53:16you shouldn't be able to. If you're picking and choosing
- 53:18the people you're being nice to, then does that really make you a
- 53:21nice person? Although I had a behavioural
- 53:27psychologist, Oxford professor come on and he was talking about
- 53:31Dunbar, Professor Dunbar. And he was saying how we have
- 53:33to, our actual networks that we maintain and have quality ratios
- 53:38with are very, very small. And you know, there's zones, you
- 53:41know, and there's like a zone 1 and then a zone 2.
- 53:43And it's, it's a huge investment to, to these people that we have
- 53:48in our closest network. And normally if one comes in,
- 53:52another one has to go out. So maybe there's also an element
- 53:55of that where you think I only have capacity for that?
- 53:59Sometimes, yes, but there are also ways because as, as humans,
- 54:04we are generally lazy and we will look at what's in our
- 54:09interest. Yeah.
- 54:10What does this person bring to the table for me?
- 54:13And once that particular person is not bringing as much to the
- 54:16table. And it doesn't necessarily have
- 54:18to be anything, you know, tangible.
- 54:20It could just be the fact that when you're around them, they
- 54:22make you feel good. Yeah.
- 54:24So if that person stops that, they might disappear into the
- 54:29background a little bit. And the best advice I was ever
- 54:32given by somebody when it come to keeping such, you know,
- 54:34managing larger networks of people is every week scroll to
- 54:38the bottom of your contacts list, whether it's WhatsApp or
- 54:41your text messages or whatever. And whoever's at the bottom,
- 54:44just send them a text saying something along the lines of,
- 54:47hey, haven't spoken to you in a while, just reaching out to see
- 54:50how things are now. Ask don't want anything from you
- 54:52just want to say hi. And that happens.
- 54:55You can do that with two or three people at the most, you
- 54:57know, maximum of like 5, but never any more than that.
- 55:00Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for more difficulty
- 55:04in managing more numbers. But generally one to two people
- 55:08do that and and you'll be surprised how many people come
- 55:10back and go, hey, yeah, nice to hear from you.
- 55:13And and that if you do that every time, that bottom number
- 55:16then gets to the top. You just keep that going and you
- 55:20kind of you can, you can then, you know, widen your circle.
- 55:24Did You Know? What I find about you is what
- 55:25you're you're an intelligence officer and you know all these
- 55:28things about people that the lies, you know how to, I mean,
- 55:30you couldn't manipulate people if you wanted to.
- 55:32I can see you. You don't.
- 55:34I mean, if you had to have a goal for for the greater good,
- 55:36you definitely know how to do that.
- 55:37But what I'm getting from you is that you're very you like
- 55:40people. You're open to people despite
- 55:43knowing all that stuff. It's like, surely that would
- 55:47have made you think. You would think so, especially
- 55:50with some of the people I've met and I've mentioned really
- 55:53horrible people, but at the same time, to do my job.
- 55:57There's a trope in Hollywood where, you know, assets and
- 56:02informants and that kind of thing are treated dreadfully.
- 56:05And that's actually not the case.
- 56:07We, if we want, if you can imagine what we do for a living,
- 56:11we go over to a foreign country, speak to somebody, find
- 56:16somebody, target them deliberately.
- 56:18And then we have to talk them into doing something that's not
- 56:21in their best interest, could get them killed or in prison for
- 56:24life or even their family killed or imprisoned, ask them to
- 56:27betray their country, commit treason and steal secret
- 56:30information. So you know, that's a big ask.
- 56:34So if you're, if you're doing that for somebody, you can't do
- 56:37that and just say, look, I'll buy you a beer if you will.
- 56:40You have to really get to know that person.
- 56:42You have to really get to know their triggers, their levers,
- 56:45their personality. And you can't get to that level
- 56:49of intimacy with a person without a huge level of empathy
- 56:54towards them. You need a real genuine
- 56:57relationship. It can't be done on a fake
- 56:59relationship. And once you've got that
- 57:01relationship and it is real, even though they don't even know
- 57:04your real name, the bond is real.
- 57:07They will help you out and, and get what you want.
- 57:10So but the the the caveat is you must always deliver.
- 57:15Yeah, I was going to ask you, does that feel, Does that feel
- 57:18manipulative? Dare I say that word?
- 57:19But does it because you've got a goal?
- 57:21Yeah, it's a degree. But the The thing is, is once
- 57:25you've found out what motivates that person, and it could be any
- 57:28number of thing, it could be their child might need health
- 57:31care that they can't get or afford.
- 57:33They might just purely be greed and money, you know, it could be
- 57:37any number of things, but you must deliver.
- 57:38Because once you've kind of made that promise, you know, whether
- 57:41it's a British passports and citizenship or whatever it is,
- 57:44you know that that relationship is completely ruined if you say,
- 57:49if you keep dangling a carrot, but don't actually ever let them
- 57:51get it. You don't ever let them get it,
- 57:55OK. You know, with Behave learning
- 57:58about behaviour, do you think I mean most, do you think most
- 58:04people are good at detecting behaviour patterns in others?
- 58:07Do you think that they're aware most majority or not really?
- 58:12The majority of people are without knowing.
- 58:15It's more of a subconscious level because.
- 58:17Right. So they are actually, yeah.
- 58:19It's one of those things where if you ask, people who have the
- 58:25answer to something in hindsight, will turn around and
- 58:27say, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was off.
- 58:29I knew they'll always say afterwards, I couldn't quite
- 58:31tell what it was, but I knew there was something wrong about
- 58:33that person or wrong about what he said, or I knew they were
- 58:36lying. Yeah.
- 58:36So they, they, they do know, even if they don't know how they
- 58:40know the majority of the time they get a good feeling that
- 58:43says something's not right. So they might not know what it
- 58:46is or exactly what they're looking for, but they do know.
- 58:49They have seen it. But also then it might be even
- 58:51another layer because you might, you might not want to be talking
- 58:55about something or something happened and made you
- 58:57uncomfortable. Then you know that they might
- 59:00know and they detect. And then then you know that they
- 59:03know. And then they know that you know
- 59:05that they know. And then.
- 59:06Yeah. Spirals, yeah.
- 59:08Although I don't know, that's why I'm asking, because I I
- 59:11sometimes do wonder how aware people.
- 59:14But you say that distinctively, yeah.
- 59:17You, you, if somebody's very nervous to talk to somebody
- 59:20about a particular topic and you know, they, they need to
- 59:24approach that person, sometimes they can, you know, kind of give
- 59:28off that feeling themselves. And, and you know what I'm
- 59:31saying to you about, you know, if you look for something,
- 59:33you'll find it. And therefore they can convince
- 59:35themselves sometimes that there is something there when there
- 59:38wasn't, you know, because of that what they are projecting
- 59:41themselves. OK, So a lot of takeaways from
- 59:45this. I think the, the thing that it's
- 59:48such an all, there's two very easy things for me to to take
- 59:51away from this, this cattiness of the mouse and the, the, the
- 59:55prey, you know, animals, the meerkats, all of those guys, the
- 59:59way that they behave. It is, it is pretty obvious.
- 1:00:03And then the other one is the breathing thing to help.
- 1:00:06But also I'll just take the whole animal Kingdom.
- 1:00:08I'm going to go back to I find this a fascinating thing, but
- 1:00:11you know how? Like you were saying, like the
- 1:00:13lions and they walk and they've got the paws and they're all
- 1:00:15like this and the cheetah just doesn't have to prove itself.
- 1:00:18But when it wants to run, it will just and it's it's run.
- 1:00:21But then don't you think like that sometimes humans, that's
- 1:00:27going to sound really weird. I'm going to just just bear with
- 1:00:30me. But I almost think like, you
- 1:00:32know, in nature, you have like symbiotic relationships where
- 1:00:34you might have a tree and then it's got a plant that grows on
- 1:00:37it. And then that plant would
- 1:00:38otherwise never be able to get the light.
- 1:00:40So it grows with a tree. And if it's symbiotic, it
- 1:00:42doesn't hurt the tree. The tree is happy.
- 1:00:44You know, you have those little fish that swim with sharks and
- 1:00:46they clean their teeth and that kind of symbiotic relation.
- 1:00:49And then you've got the parasitic relationships and then
- 1:00:51the ones that, you know, viruses and those, but then they might
- 1:00:54get too clever and then they land up, killing their, they're
- 1:00:57too aggressive and then end up destroying their, their source.
- 1:01:03And then you have the chameleons, you know, the ones
- 1:01:05that then they change and they can be whatever you want them to
- 1:01:07be. I just think there's so many of
- 1:01:12like our personalities, our behavior.
- 1:01:13And I sometimes look, and I know this isn't going to sound crazy.
- 1:01:17So I think you're a chameleon, you're a parrot, you're a
- 1:01:21cheater, you know, and I sort of, can I say what I think I am.
- 1:01:25Yeah, girlfriend. What?
- 1:01:27And I kind of think like I'm the lioness, you know?
- 1:01:31I sometimes think of myself like it because then I like my
- 1:01:33little. I'm protective.
- 1:01:35Yeah, fiercely protective. But I also like to hunt.
- 1:01:38You know, the lion will defend its territory, but I like to
- 1:01:40hunt. So I sort of think of myself
- 1:01:43like that. But yeah, we put silly things in
- 1:01:45it. But what do you think?
- 1:01:46Yeah. So I think you're right.
- 1:01:48I mean, if if you look at the fact that the the the lioness
- 1:01:51primarily above all in anything else, it's about looking after
- 1:01:55the Cubs. So that's the first.
- 1:01:57Thing totally. It's the one that that goes with
- 1:02:00with something, but that I could tell you had something that you
- 1:02:04were holding back then from when I said that I'm not going to,
- 1:02:05I'm not going. To take.
- 1:02:08It. Come on, come on, come on.
- 1:02:09So let's let's let's. Let's check.
- 1:02:12Yeah. So when, when when you spoke
- 1:02:14just. And yeah, when I said to you
- 1:02:16about like kind of. I'm not really nude.
- 1:02:18Sometimes there's something that happens.
- 1:02:20Yeah. Yeah, it does stand out.
- 1:02:21Yeah. So when I said about protecting
- 1:02:23the cousin, you went, yeah, and that's kind of compressed lip
- 1:02:26for a minute that. Well, for a moment that is
- 1:02:29generally when somebody agrees with you, but they're holding
- 1:02:31something back. So it might be truthful.
- 1:02:33You're totally right. You're totally right.
- 1:02:35Because I'll tell you something, I walked off The Apprentice
- 1:02:39publicly in front of and I am aware that this is a platformer
- 1:02:44stage and I walked off. I didn't like the whole process.
- 1:02:50You know, it wasn't for me. And I wasn't able to speak to my
- 1:02:54family in the way that I wanted to.
- 1:02:57And I am not going to do things for my career at the expense of
- 1:03:03my children. That's just not going to work,
- 1:03:06you know? And I came out publicly saying
- 1:03:09this and it was a big second. It's a very difficult thing to
- 1:03:14get over, you know, saying something like this in public
- 1:03:18and then you judged and whatever.
- 1:03:19But also at the same time, I am like that.
- 1:03:22That's just how I work. And I am a mummy cub and I
- 1:03:26protect my cublings and and now that they're growing up and
- 1:03:30everything, it changes things for me.
- 1:03:31But yeah, that's so, you know, you've you've unpacked quite a
- 1:03:38especially that it was so public a thing in my life.
- 1:03:40That was a sole point. Like it wasn't, you know, it
- 1:03:43wasn't an easy thing. Sorry, didn't mean to, didn't
- 1:03:46mean. To no, I'm glad you did, because
- 1:03:48it's just you do. It's correct, you know.
- 1:03:51So sometimes, like I said, I don't usually watch people and
- 1:03:54assess them, but sometimes, you know, I will.
- 1:03:56Spot the kids. Oh, hang on that.
- 1:03:58Yeah, that that was a little indication and, you know, I saw
- 1:04:01that. But yeah, you know, the the
- 1:04:03whole kind of looking after the Cubs, it is, you know, like a
- 1:04:06primary objective for a lioness. But then the hunting side of it
- 1:04:10as well is also something that you've got that that is
- 1:04:15providing for the Cubs as well as yourself, keeping yourself
- 1:04:17sustained. And then you've also got the
- 1:04:19fact that it's the defence as well.
- 1:04:21So, but what I can say is that there is also a pack and there
- 1:04:26are other people in the pack that you have a very select few
- 1:04:29kind of friends or associates that you know.
- 1:04:32There is a pack and I'm fiercely protective of the pack.
- 1:04:35And there's also the hunt is so much fun, you know?
- 1:04:39Yeah. Yeah.
- 1:04:40And I think that's why you like this.
- 1:04:42I think you like finding guests, different guests and exciting
- 1:04:45guests of you know, kind of who who can I have on who's going to
- 1:04:48really kind of and you won't. Believe this, you know, but I've
- 1:04:51got a team that that do the, the outreach thing and I, I, I
- 1:04:55direct them very carefully about what I want and whatever.
- 1:04:58And, and when I originally got this team, they would, they
- 1:05:01would do a LinkedIn outreach. It was very, very corporate.
- 1:05:04They've never done podcasting in this way with these kind of
- 1:05:07guests and it was very serious very this and I had to take them
- 1:05:11from doing that and train them and I said, listen, you are
- 1:05:15going hunting. That is you need to bring home
- 1:05:20the guests that are like this. That is the goal, you know, And
- 1:05:25when I sort of put it into the head, so it's always like, I
- 1:05:28suppose you become what you think you are.
- 1:05:31What animal would you be then? Me I I have an affinity with
- 1:05:35wolves for some reason. I love wolves.
- 1:05:38I was born in wolves. Just stick wonderful pictures.
- 1:05:40That was probably all originated because the local football team
- 1:05:43being wolves and that kind of thing.
- 1:05:44But I've always just had this real kind of fascination with
- 1:05:48wolves. Now, whether it's the the kind
- 1:05:49of lone wolf kind of, you know, persona or what, I don't know.
- 1:05:54But yeah, it's just it's always been something that I've had
- 1:05:58this in my mind for many, many years.
- 1:06:00The lion might be the king of the jungle, but the lion will
- 1:06:04still be trained in the circus and the wolf won't.
- 1:06:07And that's why I kind of like the the wolf.
- 1:06:10And on that note, thank you so much.
- 1:06:13This has been a like mind I can't even describe like a mind
- 1:06:18expansion exercise, you know, of, of self-awareness of it's
- 1:06:23just interesting. I find all of these topics and
- 1:06:25I'm going to be, oh, thank you, reading your books.
- 1:06:28Well, hope and find it beneficial and yeah.
- 1:06:32How could they not? Well, if they want to know more
- 1:06:35about if you don't mind me doing a quick plug, then that'd.
- 1:06:37Be great, go for it. Plug plug actually.
- 1:06:39Doing for the first time ever. Yeah, I'm doing spy intelligence
- 1:06:43officer training from all the world's leading agencies.
- 1:06:47What does that mean? What is that?
- 1:06:48So it's the psychological training given to intelligence
- 1:06:51officers with everything from mental resilience right up to
- 1:06:53strategic thinking. So all the different kind of,
- 1:06:56and I hate to use the term thinking outside the box, but
- 1:06:58that that kind of thinking outside the box, the, the whole
- 1:07:02not, not just mental resilience, but the kind of the, the way an
- 1:07:07intelligence officer is trained to think differently to most
- 1:07:11other people. We've got all the world's
- 1:07:12leading intelligence agencies and military guys coming in.
- 1:07:15CIA, MI 6, KGB, Mossag. We've got the.
- 1:07:18Local. First time this has ever
- 1:07:21happened coming down in Dorset in an army barracks that we've
- 1:07:25had for a couple of days and we we've got the tickets on sale.
- 1:07:28In an army barracks, literally. That's cool.
- 1:07:30That's. Really nice.
- 1:07:31Yeah, we've got some brilliant guest speakers coming in and
- 1:07:34this training has never been offered to the public before.
- 1:07:37I don't know if it's ever going to be offered again.
- 1:07:38It depends on the response. We've got some brilliant
- 1:07:41exhibitors coming down and showing some of the how.
- 1:07:43Many days is it? How does?
- 1:07:44Only over 2 days. It's 2 full days but. 27th and
- 1:07:4728th of October. 27th and 28th of October.
- 1:07:50Yeah. And this has never been done
- 1:07:52before, so I'm really hoping that it goes well.
- 1:07:54And yeah, we'll, we'll see whether the people like it or
- 1:07:57not. On the other hand, it might be
- 1:07:59down to the Home Office that might come down and say you're
- 1:08:01not allowed to do that again. Yeah, that's, I say, how much do
- 1:08:03you want everyone to learn? But that's a fascinating thing.
- 1:08:06It sounds really good. I'm going to look into it.
- 1:08:08Oh. Brilliant.
- 1:08:08Thank you. Well, the website is
- 1:08:09www.spyq.co.uk. Brilliant.
- 1:08:15Thank you. Thank you so much.
- 1:08:16Thank you.