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The Friend Who Disappeared · All About Friendships

• 0:04
  Speaker 2: Us was studious.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: So here's the thing, right, I woke up this morning,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: grab my phone, scroll through my messages, and there it
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: was a message from someone I haven't heard from in
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: a full seven months. Seven months, and the text just said,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Hey stranger, hope you've been good, Like nothing happened, Like
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: we didn't used to talk every single day, like we
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: didn't used to share our deepest fears over cheap rahmen
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: at midnight.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Bro. That is the most classic move in the friendship playbook.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: The ghost, then the Hey stranger. It's like they think
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: a simple text is going to undo half a year
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: of silence, as if those seven months of nothing just
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: melt away, because they typed twelve words exactly.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: And you know what's crazy, I actually felt something, not anger,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: not happiness, just this weird mix of wait, do I
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: even care anymore? And why did you disappear in the
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: first place? And then guilt because part of me wanted
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: to care more than I did. At guilt, That's what
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: really got me, the realization that you've moved on without
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: even knowing it.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: See that's the thing about friendship ghosts.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: They don't just vanish, They leave this hole and your
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: brain fills it with memories, the good times, the late
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: night calls, the random hangouts where you talked about nothing
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: for three hours and it felt like the most important
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: conversation in the world. And then you're standing there, phone
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: in hand, trying to figure out if you should reply
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: or just let it sit.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: And that, my friend, is exactly what we're talking about
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: today on All About Friendships, the friend who disappeared, the
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: one who was there every day, who knew your coffee order,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: who could read your mood from a single text, and
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: then just poof gone, No explanation, no goodbye, just silence.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: Welcome to All About Friendships, everybody. I'm Metzel.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: And I'm Paul, and today we're getting into it real
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: talk about the friends who ghosted us, the friends we ghosted,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: and whether any of those friendships can actually survive the silence.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: This one's gonna hit home for a lot of you.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: I know it's hitting home for me. All Right, before
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: we get deep into the ghost territory, let's do our
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: usual catchup. Edzel, how's life, what's been happening in your
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: world this week?
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: Give me everything, man.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: Honestly, this week has been a roller coaster, A complete
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: and total roller coaster. We had this project deadline on Wednesday,
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: and I swear I was at my desk until midnight
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: two days in a row. My eyes were burning, my
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: back was killing me. I think I aged five years
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: and three days. My posture is worse than a question
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: mark now midnight. That's romp, bro. Did you at least
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: finish the project? We did? Submitted it at eleven forty
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: seven pm on Wednesday. The client loved it, sent us
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: this glowing email about how it exceeded their expectations. But
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: here's the funny part. My manager sent me a message
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: at nine am Thursday saying, great job. Take the morning off.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: The morning off, Bro, I should get the whole week off.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: I was running on energy drinks in pure stubbornness. My
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: blood type is now monster ultra Sunrise.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: That's the corporate life for you. They'll celebrate your sacrifice
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: but won't give you the recovery time. It's like, congrats
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: on running that marathon, Now go run another one. But hey,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: at least the client was happy. That's what matters, right.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Clients are everything.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: I guess. But you know what made it worse.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: My colleague, who barely did anything on the project posted
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: on LinkedIn about how grateful he is for his team's
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: hard work. Bro, you were the team's hard works biggest obstacle,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: but sure post your gratitude.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: LinkedIn is a different universe where everyone is a thought
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: leader and every project is a game changer. I posted
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: about making scrambled eggs once and someone commented, this is
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: the kind of leadership we need.
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: You're lying.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: I'm dead serious. The internet is undefeated.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: But okay, what about you? Outside of work? Anything could happen.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: Actually, yeah, I reconnected with an old college friend this weekend.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: We grabbed coffee and it was like no time had
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: passed at all. You know those friendships where you can
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: go months without talking and then pick up right where
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: you left off, the timeless ones. Those are the best kind, exactly.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: We talked for like three hours, caught up on everything.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: He's got a kid now, a two year old. He
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: showed me photos. The kid looks just like him, same
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: serious face, even while eating ice cream. It was the
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: most wholesome thing I've seen in months. That hits hard. Man.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: It's crazy how life moves so fast. One day you're
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: sharing a dorm room eating instant noodles, and the next
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: day they're showing you photos of their kid. Time is wild.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Time as a thief, Paul a thief. But what about you?
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: You look like you've been up to something. I can
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: tell from your energy. You've got that look in your eyes.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, so funny story. You know that gim I started
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: going to last month.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: The one you posted about on Instagram with the caption
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: day one, Let's go and the MARISELTHI yeah, that one.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: So I went consistently for three weeks, like every other day,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: no excuses. I was feeling good, I was seeing results.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: My arms were getting bigger, I was walking taller. I
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: was that guy. I was the gym guy.
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: It was what happened. You lost the gim guy title.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: I got sick, caught some coal that knocked me out
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: for five days, full body aches, fever, the works.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: By the time I felt better, I just stop going.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: It's been two weeks now, two weeks, and every time
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: I think about going back, my brain goes, You're gonna
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: have to start all over again, and I just stay
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: on the couch eating cereal.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: Bro That's exactly what happened to my cousin. He started
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: a diet, lost ten pounds, got food poisoning and never
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: went back to the diet. He gained all the weight
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: back plus interest. The universe was charging him compound interest
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: on his health goals.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: The universe failed me, man, I failed the universe. But
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going back tomorrow. I'm setting my
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: alarm right now. Hold me accountable, I do, Joe.
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: I'll text you at six am.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: If you don't reply, I'm calling, and if you don't
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: answer the call, I'm showing up.
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: At your door.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: That's terrifying and motivating at the same time. That's the
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: exact energy I need. Okay, So, speaking of people disappearing
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: and then reappearing, let's get into today's top because what
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: happened with my gym routine is actually a perfect metaphor
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: for what happens in friendships. Someone's there, they're consistent, they're present,
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: and then one thing happens and they vanish and the
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: other person is left standing there wondering what they did wrong.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: The gym doesn't text you, hey, stranger after two weeks
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: of silence, though, It just sits there, judging you silently.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: Every trendmill you walk past is looking at you like, oh,
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: so you remember me now?
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: The gym is the most honest friend you'll ever have.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: It doesn't pretend, it doesn't ghost, It just waits, and
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: when you come back, it welcomes you with sore muscles
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: and regret.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: Solid analogy, Paul, really solid.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: You should write greeting cards for reunions. Dear friend, I'm
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: back like a jym Fran after two weeks of emotional eating.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: I buy that card.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Let me set the stage here, because I think we
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: need to get deep on this one. The friend who disappears.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: We've all had one, maybe we've all been one. But
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: let's talk about what it actually feels like, because it's
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: not just about losing a friend. It's about losing the
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: version of yourself that existed within that friendship.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: That hit different. Say that again, but slower, think about it.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Every friendship creates a version of you. With your work friends,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: you're the professional you. With your childhood friends, you're the
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: unfiltered you. With your best friend, you're the vulnerable you.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: You're the person who cries during movies, who admits when
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: you're scared, who shares the thoughts you'd never share with
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: anyone else. And when that person disappears, that version of
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: you disappears with them. You lose a piece of yourself
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: that you didn't even know was tied to them.
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: That's actually really deep. And I hate that.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: You're right because when my old roommate moved to Canada
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: two years ago, I didn't just lose a roommate. I
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: lost the person who understood my weird two am cooking habit.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: I lost the person who knew exactly what I meant
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: when I said I'm not sad, I'm just processing. Nobody
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: else gets that. Nobody my current roommate looks at me
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: like I need professional help when I say that.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing. Right, when someone disappears from your life,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: the friendship doesn't just pause. It decays like slowly. The
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: inside jokes become less funny, the shared memories become less vivid,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: and one day you realize you can't remember the exact
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: sound of their laugh. You know they had a laugh,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: you know it made you happy, but the sound itself
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: is gone. It's like a song you can't quite remember.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: You know the melody exists, but you can't hum it anymore.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: And that's terrifying.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, I need you to stop making me feel things
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: before noon, Paul, But you're right, I remember when I
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: realized I couldn't remember my old best friend's phone number anymore,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: not because I forgot it, but because I'd never needed again.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: That was the moment it hit me the friendship was over.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Not with a fight, not with a dramatic goodbye, not
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: with a funeral. Just entropy, the slow, quiet erosion of
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: something that used to matter.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Entropy, the silent killer of friendships. We should make that
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: a T shirt. Friendship entropy. It's happening right now.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: Hustle Studios, merch incoming.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: But okay, let's talk about the psychology of disappearing, because
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I've been thinking about this and I think there are
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: different types of friendship ghosts. Not all ghosts are the same. Okay,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: I love this, Let's break it down. I think there
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: are three main types of friendship ghosts, and each one
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: hits differently.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: Three types. Lay them on me.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Type one the life ghost.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: This is someone whose life changes dramatically and they get
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: so caught up in their own world that they forget
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: to reach out. They get a new job, a new relationship,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: a new city, a baby, a promotion, a whole new identity,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: and suddenly you're not a priority anymore. It's not malicious,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: it's not intentional. It's just life. Life happened to them,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and you became a background character in their story.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: That's the most common one, right, I feel like everyone
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: has experiences at least once, By far the most common
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: and also the most forgivable because you understand it. You've
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: been there. We've all been the life ghost.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: At some point, you get busy, you tell yourself, I'll
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: call them this weekend, and then three weekends pass, and
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: suddenly it's been six months and you're too embarrassed to
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: reach out. And the longer you wait, the harder it gets,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: because now you have to explain the gap, and explaining
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: the gap feels worse than just staying silent.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: The shame spiral classic. It starts with I'll call them tomorrow.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Then tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month,
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: next month becomes I'll just wait for their birthday, and
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: then their birthday passes and you're like, maybe Christmas. And
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: suddenly it's been a year and you've turned into a
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: friendship tax accountant calculating exactly how late you are.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Friendship tax accountant is in mind bending title, and I
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: want it on my business card. But here's what makes
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: the life go so complicated. They usually don't even realize
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: they've ghosted. They're living their life thinking I should reach
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: out to Paul sometime, and that thought becomes background noise.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: It's not that they don't care, it's that caring and
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: acting on it are two different things. And the gap
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: between those two is where friendships go to die.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: The gap between intention and action. That's where most of
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: life's problems live.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Honestly, not just friendships, exercise, diet, learning a new skill,
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: writing that novel you keep talking about.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: The gap is where dreams go to become Maybe someday.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: You just describe my entire twenty twenty four. Maybe someday
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: the year of doing nothing.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: But okay, that's type one. Type two the conflict ghost.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: Oh, this one's interesting. Tell me.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: This is someone who disappears after a disagreement, not necessarily
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: a big fight. Sometimes it's a small misunderstanding, a difference
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: of opinion, a cross boundary, or a moment of tension
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: that they just don't want to deal with. So instead
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: of communicating, they retreat, they go silent, they ghost because
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: for them, the discomfort of confrontation is worse than the
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: discomfort of losing the friendship.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: I've been on all sides of that one, and honestly,
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: the conflict ghost is the hardest to deal with because
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: there's always this unresolved energy. You're left wondering are they
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: mad at me? Did I do something wrong? And you
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: never get the answer. The question just sits there like
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: a splinter you can't reach. The ambiguity is what kills you.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: At least with a fight, you know where you stand.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: There's clarity and conflict. You might be angry, you might
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: be hurt, but you know what happened. But with the
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: conflict ghost, you're just floating in this uncertainty. Did I
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: lose a friend or not? Should I reach out or
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: will that make it worse? Is the silence permanent or temporary?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: There's no manual for this.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: And sometimes you reach out and they reply like nothing happened,
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: and you're sitting there like, so are we good? Do
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: we need to talk about what happened? And they just
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: change the subject. They pivot to sports or weather or
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: some random meme, and you're left holding this emotional bag
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: that they just handed back to you without even opening it.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: The pretending it never happened. Approach the emotional equivalent of
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: sweeping dust under the rug. You know it's there, they
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: know it's there, but nobody addresses it, and that dust
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: just keeps accumulating until the rug is three inches taller
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: than it should be, and one day someone trips over
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: it and the whole thing explodes.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: That rug metaphor went places I didn't expect, but I'm
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: here for it. The conflict ghost is also the most
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: frustrating type because the solution is so simple, just talk,
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: just say, hey, that thing that happened it bothered me.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: But people would rather lose the friendship than have an
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable conversation. And that tells you everything you need to
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: know about where we are as a society.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: We're allergic to discomfort. We've been trained to optimize for
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: comfort in every area of our lives. We order food
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: from our phones so we don't have to talk to anyone.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: We text instead of calling because calls feel intrusive. We
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: ghost instead of fighting because fights feel threatening. We've built
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: this entire infrastructure of avoidance, and then wonder why our
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: relationships feel hollow.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: When you put it like that, it sounds like we're
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: all just cowards and comfortable shoes. We are, We absolutely are.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: And I include myself in that. I've ghosted after conflicts
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: because I didn't want to have the conversation. And every
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: single time the guilt ate me alive because the friendship
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: deserved better than my comfort. Okay, And then there's type three, right.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Type three the most painful one, the betrayal ghost. This
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: is someone who disappears because they were never really your
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: friend in the first place. They were there for what
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: they could get, attention, connections, favors, entertainment, social status, free meals,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: and the moment you couldn't provide that anymore, they vanished,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: like a bad investment. You put in everything and got
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: nothing back.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: Ouch. That's cold, but so real.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: It is cold, and it happens more than people think,
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: because the betrayal ghost is the hardest the spot. They're
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: usually the most charming ones, the ones who always show
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: up with a smile, the ones who seem the most invested,
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: But their investment is conditional. It's a contract, not a commitment,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: and when the terms change, they bail.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: I knew someone like that in college.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: Super friendly, always inviting people to hang out, always the
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: life of the party, always making sure everyone felt included,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: but the moment I was going through a rough patch
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: and needed someone to talk to, crickets complete silence. I
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: called three times, nothing and then when things got better
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: for me, they were back acting like the best friend
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: in the world. Hey, we should hang out. It's been
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: too long. Too long, bro, I called you, you didn't
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: pick up. We're not doing this.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: The seasonal friend they come and go with the weather.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: They're there in summer, gone in winter. They bloom when
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: things are good and wilt when things are hard. And
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: the hardest part is recognizing them because in the moment
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: they feel real, the friendship feels genuine. You trust them,
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: you invest in them, you let them in. And it's
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: only in retrospect, when you're standing in the wreckage of
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: what you thought was a friendship that you realize they
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: were never really there for you.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: That's a heavy realization and it makes you question every
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: friendship you've ever had, Like, how many of my current
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: friends are real? How many are seasonal? How many would
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: actually show up if I called at three am needing help?
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: And the scary answer is probably fewer than you think.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And that's the rabbit hole, bro, That's where the overthinking starts,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: because once you've been ghosted, you start looking for signs everywhere.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Every unanswered text becomes a red flag, Every canceled plan
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: becomes evidence, every late reply becomes a betrayal. And you
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: build this defensive wall that keeps the wrong people out
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: but also keeps the right people at a distance. You
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: become so afraid of being ghosted that you start ghosting.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: First. Preemptive abandonment, premptive abandonment. That's a psychological term if
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: I've ever heard one, and it's terrifyingly accurate, because I've
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: done that. I've pulled back from friendships because I sensed
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: they might not last, and in doing so, I guaranteed
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: they wouldn't. Self fulfilling prophecy.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: The ghosting aftermath. We should write a book about this.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Chapter one, Why my phone notifications give me anxiety? Chapter two,
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: The science of overtexting after someone stops texting you back.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Chapter three, Why I check my ex friends social media
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: at three am.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Chapter four The friend who owes you forty dollars and
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: thinks friendship is payment enough.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: I'm writing that chapter. I have stories, multiple stories, different friends,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: same forty dollars. But for real, though, let's talk about
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: the other side of this, because we've been focusing on
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: the person who gets ghosted, But what about the one
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: doing the ghosting? Because I think a lot of times
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: the ghost isn't a villain. Sometimes they're just broken.
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: That's a shift. Tell me more about that.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Okay, So I ghosted someone once. True story my coses
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: front in high school. We were inseparable, talked every day,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: made plans for college together, had matching hoodies, the whole thing.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: And then seeing your year happened and I just stopped
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: talking to him. No fight, no drama, no catalyst. I
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: just withdrew like a turtle pulling into its shell, except
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: the shell was made of avoidance and emotional immaturity.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: Why what happened?
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Because I was going through something. My parents were going
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: through a divorce.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I was dealing with anxiety for the first time and
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: had no idea what it was. I was having these
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: chest pains and racing thoughts, and I didn't know how
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: to name any of it, and I didn't know how
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: to tell him. I didn't know how to say I'm
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: falling apart and I need space because I'd never said
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: that to anyone before. I'd never been taught that vulnerability
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: was an option, So instead of being honest, I disappeared.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: I became the thing we're talking about right now.
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: And did he ever reach out?
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: He did a few times, first after a week, casual
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: check in, then after a month more concerned, Hey man,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: you good. Haven't heard from you? And I saw the messages,
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: every single one, and I wanted to reply so badly,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: But the longer I waited, the harder it got, because
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: now I had to explain the gap, and explaining the
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: gap meant being vulnerable, and being vulnerable meant admitting I
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: wasn't okay, and admitting I wasn't okay felt like admitting
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: I was weak. So I stayed silent, and by the
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: time I finally had the courage to reach out, almost
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: a year it passed and I sent him this long
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: message explaining everything, and he never replied, and honestly, I understood.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: And I deserved it. Damn, Paul, that's heavy. Thank you
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: for sharing that. Seriously, it is heavy, and it taught
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: me something that I carry with me still.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: Ghosting almost always comes from a place of pain, not malice.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: The person who ghosts you is usually dealing with something
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: they don't know how to handle. That doesn't make it. Okay,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: I'm not excusing it. I'm not saying it's fine, but
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: it makes it human. It makes the ghost a person,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: not a monster. That's really mature of you to recognize that,
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: And I think you're right. Most of the time, people
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: don't ghosts because they don't care.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: They ghosts because they care too much and don't know
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: how to show it, or they're scared of being vulnerable,
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: or they're overwhelmed by their own life and can't handle
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: someone else's needs on top of their own. It's not
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: about you. It's about them drowning and not knowing how
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: to ask for a lifeline.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: The silent scream they're drowning, but they can't ask for help,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: and the person on the other end is left wondering
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: what they did wrong when most of the time they
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: didn't do anything wrong at all. They just happened to
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: be standing on the shore when the other person went.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Under man This is turning into a real therapy session,
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: and I'm here for it.
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: No Copey require.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Therapy is free on this podcast. We take all major
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: insurance providers. But okay, let's shift gears. How do we
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: deal with this. Whether you're the one who got ghosted
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: or the one who did the ghosting. How do you
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: move forward? Because dwelling in the past doesn't help anyone.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: Okay, I think if you're the one who got ghosted,
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: the first thing you need to accept is that you
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: might not get closure.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: And I know that's hard. I know you want answers.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: I know you want to understand why you want a
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: need little explanation that reps everything up in a bow.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: But the truth is, sometimes people's actions don't make sense
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: because they don't make sense to the person doing them either.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: They ghosted you, and they might not even fully understand why.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Closure is a myth. We sell ourselves this idea that
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: if we just have one more conversation, everything will make sense.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: But the reality is some questions don't have answers, Some
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: friendships end without a reason, and learning to live with
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: that uncertainty is one of the hardest emotional skills you'll
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: ever develop.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: And I think the second thing is don't internalize it.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: Don't make their apps. It's about your worth because when
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: someone ghosts you, the natural response is what's wrong with me?
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: And the answer is usually nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: They left because of something going on with them, not
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: because of something lacking in you.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: That's important because ghosting can destroy your self esteem if
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: you let it, you start thinking I'm too much, or
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not enough, or I'm the kind of person people leave,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: and none of that is true. You are the kind
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: of person people are lucky to have in their lives,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: and anyone who can't see that is the one with
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: the problem, not you.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: And the third thing is let yourself grieve because losing
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: a friendship is a loss. It deserves the same respect
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: as any other loss. You're allowed to be sad, You're
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: allowed to miss them. You're allowed to look at old
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: photos and feel that ache in your chest. Don't rush
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: the process, don't tell yourself it's just a friendship, get
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: over it.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: It was more than that. You're allowed to feel what
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: you feel.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Grief is grief, regardless of the source. A friendship ending
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: can hurt just as much as a relationship ending, and
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: we need to up treating friendship loss as something trivial.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: It's not.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: It shapes who we are, It shapes how we love,
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: It shapes how we trust, and losing one leaves a
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: mark that takes time to heal.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, now, if you're the one who ghosted. The hardest
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: thing is reaching out again, because every fiber of your
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: being is telling you that it's too late, that you've
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: missed your window, that they've moved on, that they hate
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: you now, and maybe they have moved on, maybe they
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: are angry, but you'll never know until you try.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: The barrier to re entry feels enormous because now you
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: have to account for the time gap. You have to
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: explain why you disappear. You have to admit that you
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: were wrong, and that admission, that confession is one of
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: the hardest things a person can do because it requires
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: you to be humble, and humility is uncomfortable.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: But here's the thing.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: The hardest conversations are usually the most necessary ones. And
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: if you ghost, it's someone who matter to you. Reaching
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: out is not just about them, it's about you. It's
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: about proving to yourself that you're capable of growth, that
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: you're not the same person who ran away. Because you
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: don't reach out for their response. You reach out for
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: your own peace of mind. You reach out to say
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, i was wrong, and I'm here now. What
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: they do with that is their choice, and you have
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: to be okay. With whatever they choose, whether they welcome
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: you back or shut the door, you at least know
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: you tried, and trying is always better than wondering. The
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: wondering is the worst part. What if I had reached out?
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: What if they would have forgiven me? That question will
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: haunt you forever if you let it. So reach out,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: send the message, make the call. Whatever happens after that
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: is out of your hands. All right, So we've covered
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: what ghosting feels like, why it happens, and how to
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: deal with it. Let's talk about prevention, because while ghosting
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: is sometimes unavoidable, there are things we can do to
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: make our friendships more resilient against the silence. Yes, give
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: me the prevention playbook Number one.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Normalize space. Not every silence means something is wrong. Sometimes
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: people just need quiet. Sometimes they need to recharge, Sometimes
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: they need to process something alone. And if you've built
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: a friendship where space is respected, then a week of
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: no talking isn't a crisis. It's just rest. It's a
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: friendship taking a breath.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: That's so important.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I have friends who think that if I don't reply
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: to their text within two hours, something is wrong. They'll
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: send follow up messages. Hello, you, okay, get like bro.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: I was in the shower, I was making lunch, I
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: was taking a nap. Not everything is a crisis. Sometimes
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: I just don't want to talk and that's okay. It
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean I'm ghosting you. It means I'm recharging. And
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: when you.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: Treat every silence as an emergency, you create a friendship
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: that's exhausting to maintain because now the other person feels
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: pressured to always be available, always be responsive, always be on,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: and that's not sustainable. Healthy friendships have breathing room, they
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: have quiet moments. They have I'll talk to you when
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I can periods, and that's not a red flag.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: That's a sign of maturity. Number two, check in within ten.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: Don't just send hey and wait. That's the participation trophy
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: of friendship. You showed up, but you didn't actually do anything.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: Send something real. Send hey, I've been thinking about you,
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: how are you really doing? Or I saw something that
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: reminded me of you and it made me smile. The
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: difference between hey and a thoughtful message is the difference
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: between a stranger and a friend. The hay text is
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: the laziest form of communication. It's the equivalent of waving
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: at someone across the street. It acknowledges their existence without
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: actually engaging with it. But a thoughtful message that's sitting
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: down across from them and saying, I see you, I
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: care about you. Tell me what's going on. That's friendship.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: And number three, and this is the big one, be
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: honest about your capacity.
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: If you're going through something, tell your friends.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: You don't have to share every detail. You don't have
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: to bear your soul. Just say I'm dealing with some
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: stuff right now, and I might be quiet for a bit.
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: It's not about you.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: That one sentence can save a friendship because it gives
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: the other person context, It removes the ambiguity. It lets
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: them know that your silence isn't rejection, it's just survival.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: One sentence, that's it. It's not about you, because that's
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: what people need to hear. When you go quiet. The
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: first thing your friends assume is that they did something wrong.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: They replay every conversation, they analyze every interaction. They build
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: a case against themselves. And if you can preemptively address that,
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: you remove the whole spiral. You save them the sleepless
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: nights and the overthinking. And it also builds trust because
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: now your friends know that, even when you're struggling, you'll
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: tell them. You won't just disappear. You'll give them the
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: courtesy of an explanation. And that courtesy is what separates
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: a good friend from a great one.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Number four.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Invest consistently, not grand gestures, not expensive gifts, not elaborate plans,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: just consistent small acts of connection. A text here, a
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: call there, a meme that says this, this reminded me
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: of you, a happy Tuesday message for no reason. Those
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: tiny deposits add up, And when the withdrawals come, when
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: life gets hard and the friendship is tested, you've got
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: a balance to draw.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: From the friendship savings account. I love that because every
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: thinking of you text is a deposit, every let's hang
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: out is a deposit. Every I'm proud of you is
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: a deposit. And when the account is full, a month
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: of silence barely makes a dent. But if the account
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: is empty to begin with, one missed call can close
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: it for good.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: You know what else makes this whole thing more complicated
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: in twenty twenty six, social media, Because before social media,
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: when someone disappeared, they were gone. You couldn't see them.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: You couldn't check up on them. They were just absent.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: But now now you can see your ghost every single day.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: You can watch them post stories at brunch, you can
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: see them laughing in photos with other friends. You can
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: watch them live their life while pretending you don't exist.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: And that's a special kind of torture.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: Oh man, the social media ghost experience, I've lived it.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: I had a friend who stopped responding to my text
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: for two months. Two months, but every single day I'd
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: see him on Instagram posting jim selfie's, posting dinner photos,
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: posting stories with other people, And every time I saw
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: his face on my screen, I felt this rage that
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what to do with because he wasn't unavailable,
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: he was just unavailable to me.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: That's the cruelest part, the evidence that they're choosing to
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: be absent from your life. Specifically, it's not that they
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: don't have time for friendships, it's that they don't have
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: time for yours. And seeing proof of that daily that
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: messes with your head.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: It creates this whole mental spiral. You start analyzing their posts,
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: who are they with, why didn't they invite me? Are
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: they having fun without me? And then you feel stupid
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: for caring, and then you feel angry for feeling stupid,
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: and then you feel sad about being angry. It's an
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: emotional nesting doll of negativity.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: And the worst is when they post something philosophical about
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: real friends stick around while simultaneously ghosting you. The aloraity
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: is so thick you could spread it on toast.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: The audacity, the absolute audacity. But here's what I've learned
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: about social media and friendships. What people post is a
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: highlight reel, not a documentary. You're seeing the curated version,
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: the best angles, the funniest moments. You're not seeing the
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: anxiety attack they had before posting. You're not seeing the
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: argument they had with their partner an hour before brunch.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: Social media is a filter on reality, and comparing your
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel is a
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: losing game every single time.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: That's wise, but it doesn't make the sting less real,
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: because even if social media is curated, the silence is genuine.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: The unanswered texts are real, the unfollows are real. The
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: last scene online timestamp is real. And when you see
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: someone who used to be your person living their life
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: without you, no amount of it's just social media logic
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: can make that hurt less.
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: Fair point. The feelings are real, even if the play
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: form is fake. And I think we need to talk
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: about the digital ghosting spectrum because ghosting used to be simple.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: You stopped calling, they stopped calling.
• 30:07
  Speaker 3: End of story.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: But now there are so many levels of digital disappearance. Oh. Absolutely.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: There's the soft ghost. They reply to your text, but
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: it takes hours, and when they do reply, it's one
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: word cool.
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: Nice.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the minimum viable friendship. They're technically still there,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: but emotionally they're checked out.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: The K response the two letter death sentence of modern communication.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: When someone responds to your three paragraph message with K,
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: you know the friendship is on life support. Then there's
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: the medium ghost.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: They stop replying to texts, but they'll still like your
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: social media post. They'll give you a heart on your story,
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: but won't respond to your five hundred. It's this weird
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: in between space where they want to acknowledge your existence
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: but not actually engage with it. It's like waving at
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: someone from across the room but never walking over.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: The digital wave.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: I hate that I know exactly what you're talking and
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: it's somehow worse than straight up ghosting, because there's just
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: enough engagement to keep you confused. You're left thinking do
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: they still care? Or is this just muscle memory?
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: And then there's the full ghost, complete radio silence, no texts,
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: no likes, no reactions, nothing. They've essentially deleted you from
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: their digital existence while still existing in yours. And in
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: twenty twenty six, that takes effort. You have to actively
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: mute someone, you have to intentionally not engage. The full
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: ghost isn't passive. It's a choice, a deliberate, calculated choice
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: to pretend you don't exist.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: Which brings us back to the core of everything we've
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: been saying. Ghosting in all its forms is a choice,
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: and choices have consequences. The soft ghost might preserve the
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: surface of a friendship, but it slowly kills the substance.
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: The medium ghost creates confusion and anxiety, and the full
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: ghost that's a demolition. You can't unghost someone. Once you've
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: made someone feel in visible. That feeling doesn't just go away.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: There's a saying that I really love it goes.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: People will forget what you said, people will forget what
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: you did, but people will never forget how you made
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: them feel and being ghosted. That's a feeling that sticks
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: long after the friendship ends. The feeling of being left
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: without explanation stays with you. It shapes how you approach
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: future friendships. It colors how you interpret silence. It becomes
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: part of your story.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: And that's why prevention matters so much, because the damage
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: that ghosting does isn't just to the friendship.
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: It's to the person.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: It changes how they trust, it changes how they love,
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: it changes how they see themselves. One ghosting experience can
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: alter the trajectory of someone's entire social life. That's not dramatic,
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: that's real.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: Okay, let me throw a hypothetical. Let you if a
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: friend disappeared on you for a year and then came back,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: would you let them in?
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: That depends entirely on how they come back. If they
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: text hey, stranger like nothing happened, absolutely not. That shows
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: zero accountability, zero growth, zero understanding of the impact of
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: their absence.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: But what if they came back with a genuine, honest explanation.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: What if they said, I'm sorry, I was going through
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: something and I didn't handle it well. I should have
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: told you what was happening instead of disappearing. I've been
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: working on myself and I want you to know that
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: your friendship matter to me, even when I couldn't show it.
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: That's different.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: That's someone who's done the work, someone who.
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: Understands what they did and why it was wrong.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: Someone who's not asking for forgiveness but offering an explanation
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: that I can work with because that shows growth, That
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: shows they've become a better version of the person who ghosted.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: So it's not about the ghosting itself, is about what
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: comes after.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: The return matters more than a departure, exactly because anyone
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: can leave. The hard part is coming back. The hard
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: part is facing the person you hurt and saying I
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: messed up. And if someone is willing to do that,
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: if someone is willing to swallow their pride and admit
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: their fault, then I think they deserve a second chance.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: Maybe not the same level of trust as before, that
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: takes time to rebuild, but a second chance, absolutely. I
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: love that.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: A second chance, not a second first chance. You get
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: one more opportunity, but the slate isn't clean. You have
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: to earn it back, and earning it back takes time, consistency,
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: and proof that you've changed.
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: Talk is cheap. Show me you're different. The trust rebuild.
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: It's like a construction project.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: You tear down the old structure because it was flawed,
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: and then you build something new on the same foundation.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: The foundation is the shared history, the memories, the bond
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: that was there before, and the new structure is the
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: rebuild trust. It's stronger than the original because now you
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: know what went wrong and how to prevent it.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: That's real and it's true.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: Some of my strongest friendships are the ones that went
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: through a rough patch and cave out the other side,
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: because when you've weathered a storm together, you know the
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: friendship can handle anything. The test didn't break it, it
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: reinforced it.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: And that's what I want people to take away from this.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: Ghosting isn't always the end. Sometimes it's a chapter break,
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: sometimes it's a pause button, and sometimes if both people
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: are willing to do the work, it's a beginning, a
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: new beginning built on the lessons of the old one.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: All right, now, I want to talk about one more
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: thing before we move to the shoutout, and that's the
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: concept of letting go, because sometimes the friendship that ended
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: it should stay ended. Not every ghost deserves to come back.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: Not every friendship is worth saving, and knowing the difference
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: is one of the most important skills you can develop.
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: That's a tough pill to swallow because we've been talking
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: about reconciliation and second chances. But the truth is some
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: people ghosted you because the friendship was toxic. Some people
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: left because they were draining you, and letting them back
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: in would be like letting a fire back into a
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: house that just burned down. Exactly if the friendship was
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: making you smaller, if it was draining your energy, if
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: it was one sided in a way that made you
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: feel used, then their disappearance might have been the best
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: thing that ever happened to you. And when they come
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: back with their hey stranger text, the healthiest response might
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: be no thank you. The power of no thank you
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: three words that can change your life. Because you're not
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: obligated to give everyone a second chance. You're not required
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: to reopen doors that were closed for a reason. Sometimes
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: let the ghost stay a ghost.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: Can I share one more story because I think this
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: illustrates the difference between ghosting for survival and ghosting for selfishness.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: I had a friend in my early twenties, let's call
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: him Ray.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: Ray was my guy.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: We did everything together, worked out together, went to parties together,
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: traveled together.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: And then I got into a.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: Relationship, serious relationship, and I started spending all my time
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: with my girlfriend. I stopped calling Ray, I stopped showing
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: up to our regular hangouts. I essentially replaced one relationship
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: with another.
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: And Ray noticed.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: Ray noticed.
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: He called me once. I didn't pick up. He called
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: again the next week. I sent a text saying busy
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: talk soon, and soon never came. Three months past and
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: one day Ray sent me a message that said, I
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: hope she makes you happy. Man, I'm gonna miss hanging
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: out with you. And that broke me because he wasn't angry,
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: he wasn't bitter, he was just sad. He accepted that
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: I chosen someone else. And his sadness was the loudest
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: thing I'd ever heard.
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: That's heartbreaking because Ray wasn't ghosting you, he was letting
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: you go.
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: There's a huge difference.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: Huge And when my relationship ended six months later, I
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: reached out to Ray, and to his credit, he picked up.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: He was happy to hear from me, but things were different.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: The easy chemistry we had was gone, the trust was gone.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: We had to rebuild from scratch, and honestly, we never
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: fully got back to where we were. We're still friends,
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: but we're not what we used to be, and that's
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: the consequence of taking someone for grated.
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: That story hits hard because it's so relatable. How many
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: of us have dropped a friend for a romantic relationship,
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: and how many of those friendships never recovered. It's one
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: of the most common friendship casualties, and nobody talks about
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: it right.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: Society tells us that romantic relationships are the pinnacle, that
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: when you find the one, everything else takes a back seat.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: But that's not healthy because the friends who were there
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: before the relationship, they are the ones who will be
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: there after it ends. And if you drop them for
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: every new person you date, you'll end up with no
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: one when the music stops.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: Balance. It all comes back to balance. You can have
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: a loving relationship and still show up for your friends.
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: It takes effort, It takes planning. It takes saying I'm
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: going to dinner with my girlfriend, but I'm calling Ray tomorrow.
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: Because if you don't prioritize both, you'll lose both.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: And that's really the meta message of this whole episode.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: Friendships require intentionality, They require effort, they require showing up
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: even when it's inconvenient, because the people who matter most
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: are usually the ones we take for granted. And the
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: silence that follows our neglect it's the sound of a
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: friendship dying slowly, one missed call at a time.
• 38:36
  Speaker 3: So check on your people today, right now.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: Don't wait for the weekend, don't wait for the perfect
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: moment that will never come. Send a message, make a call,
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: show up, buy them coffee, send them a stupid meme,
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: whatever it takes, because you never know which friend is
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: one miss checking away from disappearing forever. And you never
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: know which friendship is one honest conversation away from becoming
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: the strongest bond you've ever had. And that's not being cruel,
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: that's being honest.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: That's saying I've grown past this and I wish you well,
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: but I'm not going backwards. And that takes courage because
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: there's always that voice in your head that says, but
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: what if they've changed, And maybe they have, but that's
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: their journey, not yours.
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: Knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: That's the real friendship skill, not loyalty, not forgiveness, discernment,
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: the ability to tell the difference between a friend worth
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: fighting for and a friendship worth releasing. And with that,
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: let's shift to something a little lighter before we wrap up. Communication.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: Consistency, honesty, vulnerability, space. Those are the five pillars of
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: a friendship that survives the hard times. And I think
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: a lot of us are good at one or two
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: of those but struggle with the rest. I'm great at communication,
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: but terrible at giving space. Edzel is great at consistency
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: but struggles with vulnerability. And that's okay, because friendship isn't
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: about being perfect. It's about being willing to grow.
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: Can we just acknowledge for a second how poetic you're
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: being today. Friendship isn't about being perfect. It's about being
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: willing to grow. Put that on a poster, put it
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: on a billboard, put it in a fortune cookie.
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: I've been saving my best material for this show. This
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: is where the magic happens.
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: Okay, so let's bring this home. Final thoughts.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: What's the one thing you want listeners to take away
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: from this episode?
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: The one thing if I had to pick one thing.
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: It's this.
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: The friend who disappeared taught me something about myself. They
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: taught me that I need to be better at checking in,
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: that I need to be better at expressing when I'm struggling.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: That I need to be better at not taking silence personally,
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: because most of the time, silence isn't about you. It's
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: about the person who can't find the words. And if
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: you can remember that, you'll navigate friendship loss with a
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: lot more grace and a lot less anger.
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: My final thought is this. The friendships that survive distance
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: and silence are the ones that are built on something real.
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: Not convenience, not proximity, not mutual benefit, not we live
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: in the same dorm or we work at the same office,
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: but Jane in deep, I see you and I choose
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: you connection. Those are the friendships that survive because when
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: the convenience fades and the proximity disappears and the mutual
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: benefit runs out, what's left is the real thing, And
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: the real thing doesn't ghost. The real thing fights for you,
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: The real thing shows up even when it's hard, and
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: the real thing is always always worth it all.
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: Right, Before we wrap up, quick shout out to one
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: of our network shows, Oh Yeah, who's up? This episode
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: The Wallet Whisper. It's our money podcast on the network.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: Every episode, the host breaks down one financial topic investing, saving, taxes,
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: side hustles, real estate, clear advice, no jargon, and three
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: action steps you can actually use. If you've ever looked
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: at your bank account and thought I need to do
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: better with my money, that's the show for you. Find
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: The Wallet Whisper on Speaker, Spotify, Apple, or wherever you
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: listen to podcasts.
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: Go check it out. Your wallet will thank you. Solid recommendation.
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: We all need someone to help us figure out our
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: money situation. Financial literacy is friendship because nobody wants to
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: be the friend who's always broke and asking to borrow
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: twenty bucks or the.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: Friend who borrows twenty bucks and never pays it back.
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: That's the fastest way to end a friendship, faster than ghosting.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: Honestly, Chapter four of our book Paul, the friend who
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: owes you forty dollars and thinks friendship is payment enough.
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: I'm writing that chapter.
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: I have stories, multiple stories, different friends, same money.
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, so that's our show for today. If you're dealing
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: with a friend who disappeared, know this. You're not alone,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: you're not crazy, and you're not the problem. Sometimes friendships
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: take breaks, and sometimes those breaks lead to genuine reunions,
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: and sometimes they don't, and both outcomes are okay. What
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: matters is that you grew through it.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: And if you're the one who disappeared, it's never too
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: late to reach out. Send that text, make that call,
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: be honest about why you went quiet. The worst they
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: can say is I've moved on, and the best they
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: can say is I'm glad you're back. And either way,
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: you'll have your answer and answer even hard ones are
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: better than silence, perfectly said.
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: All right, if you're listening to this right now, do
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: us a favor, Hit that follow button, leave a rating
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: if the platform lets you, and share this episode with
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: a friend, especially when you haven't talked to in a while.
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: Sometimes all the friendship needs is a reminder that it matters.
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: A simple hey I was thinking about you can change everything.
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: And while you're at it, check out the other shows
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: in the Hustle Studios network. We've got horror, true crime, comedy,
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: kids stories, book reviews, pop culture, sports, and so much more.
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: We're building something special here, a whole universe of podcasts
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: for every mood and every moment. Subscribe to the network
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: and discover your new favorite. You won't regret it.
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: Gotcha next time. Everyone, this has been all about friendships.
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: New episodes every other day right here on the Hustle
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: Studios Network. Make sure you're following so you never miss one.
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: I'm Paul and I'm Edzel.
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: Stay connected, stay honest, and stay kind. And remember the
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: best friendships are the ones where both people show up
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: not just when it's easy, but actually when it's hard.
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: Peace Pete