Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Confronting the Exhaustion of Chronic Pain

Transcript

Confronting the Exhaustion of Chronic Pain · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• 0:03
  This is your Pain Game podcast where we talk about the game of living in
• 0:07
  and with chronic pain and trauma, getting to the heart of how to heal.
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  I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
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  on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
• 0:23
  and anybody that is interested in having their voice heard in the chronic pain and
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  trauma world that we live in. Hey guys, before we quick start the
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  show today, if you are on YouTube and watching this hot mess express we're
• 0:45
  launching merch. This is just a quick mockup of what's to come. This
• 0:50
  is a taped version over my favorite mug, So I will be sipping out
• 0:57
  of my fake merch mug during this episode. Sign up for our email marketing
• 1:02
  for our new merch launch. It's going to be epic. So enough of
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  that shameless plug. Let's do this. So this is gonna be a tough
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  episode today. The past few months I just kind of stopped recording. It
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  was so arduous, And as of today, as I'm recording, I have
• 1:22
  used up all of my banked episodes that I've done. I mean, I
• 1:26
  pulled out stuff that I recorded that I didn't even really care for and was
• 1:30
  still using it because there was no way that I was going to miss a
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  Tuesday drop. And there's just no way. And so here I am.
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  I have nothing left, which kind of leads into this episode. I have
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  no more bank left, I have no more energy left. I am tapped
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  out. But I made a promise to myself and you guys that no matter
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  how low I got, I would still do this thing. So here we
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  are as always raw and real and exhausted. But that's not news to you
• 2:07
  guys, and particularly pretty tired today. Might hear it in my voice,
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  but you know, doing this show is so much work, and combined with
• 2:20
  my health issues and the massive amount of stress that my sweeting and I live
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  under, I just simply taint. Like my body said, no more,
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  I hardcore taint. Everybody has always said like, well, Lindsay can always
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  take care of this, Lindsay can always take care of I can no longer
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  do this. I can no longer do this kind of work that I've done
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  for my entire life, which is eighteen hours a day of stuff I love,
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  and then over the years it's like not stuff I love as much,
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  and then not stuff at all that I love, and now I go to
• 3:00
  this point where I'm like, the only thing I love in my life outside
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  of my sweetie and my puppies and my family is this show. So everything
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  else just started to kind of like drop off the wayside, right. And
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  so even in the weeks before I started this like crash, I just was
• 3:19
  like rescheduling things like I'm sorry, I can't make it, let me schedule.
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  I don't feel good, I'm sick, my pain level's too high.
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  Was it always No, I just didn't want to do it because it is
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  so hard to do this. I just started canceling my life. I started
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  canceling rescheduling. Canceling rescheduling is canceling and avoiding, not responding, not answering,
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  rinse and repeat, you know. And this is what I've been doing
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  for like a couple months. Maybe it started earlier then I thought that it
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  had. But for the last few months, I have disappeared. I disappeared
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  one hunder from myself. And those people that love me most definitely understand this.
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  And you know, as I've looked back at me feeling lost, it's
• 4:10
  not just been the past couple months. It's been the past few years,
• 4:13
  maybe decades for crying outlet. I've been pretty lost and unsafe and almost suffocated
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  by uncertainty. And when you've lived a life that's filled with trauma and letdowns,
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  and god, you know, I've lived so much amazing other shit in
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  my life. I have had amazing life experience and there are so many joyful
• 4:36
  things that are going in my life. But you know what, right now,
• 4:39
  this is the Paying Game podcast, and we talk about the shit that
• 4:43
  hurts. We're talking about the shit that's uncertain We are talking about the dominoes
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  that are falling and you slowly watch them and you're like, oh man,
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  it's gonna get stuck there. It's gonna get stuck there, isn't it.
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  And so here I've been watching these dominoes somewhat slowly falling, and some of
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  them like rapidly falling. And here I am so sick and so locked in
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  to myself that I keep trying to cry out to the people that love me,
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  the most important people in my life, and I feel like I am
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  mute when I say, please stop throwing more on me, and stop throwning
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  more on the people that you love in your life that you just God,
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  take a beat for a second and care about those people that are around you
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  and how we affect them when we vomit our shit all over them. You
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  know. But my life has only been it's Lindsay, you know, Lindsay's
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  got this. Don't worry about it. Lindsay's got it. Lindsay's got it.
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  And I've always prided myself on being a fucking badass when it comes to
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  pushing through pain, when it comes to making money, when it comes to
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  being successful, when it comes to being the best gifter on the planet.
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  And everybody that knows me and knows that I'm the best gifter on the planet.
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  I have seventy two thousand jobs and I love all of them. But
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  I can only do like a hundred of them now. I mean I You
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  know, we always hear about how chronic pain changes people. It changes the
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  fabric of the being of who you are. And I now have witnessed this.
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  I thought that I was going to be that bite on a stick chick.
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  I chose to push through. I chose to be I've got this.
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  I've got the Superwoman capes. They're burnt. There's gone. There's no more
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  Superwoman capes. It is just lindsay now. And I chose to push through
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  instead of looking inward, instead of fixing me, instead of broaching the issues
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  that started this whole thing in the first place. And so here I am
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  again raw and I love to use that word on this show. And I
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  am in need of being lifted up. And in the past few months,
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  I have been through the worst depression that I've ever experienced in my life.
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  And I never thought that the physical pain that I live with on the daily
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  was ever going to beat me. I'm supposed to be that wonder woman,
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  right. My sweetie says I'm the strongest person that he knows, and I
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  can't live up to that. I've been clinically sleep to price since I was
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  nine years old. You know. We have always said that at some point
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  my sleep deprivation would affect my health, and here we are. I'm going
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  to be forty six, right, So I was nine years old, So
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  almost forty years later, since I couldn't fall asleep, I am sick.
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  And I'm not just living in physical pain. My body is just like shutting
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  down. Guys, those that know me best, I used to have the
• 8:01
  most incredible singing voice. I can't sing anymore. I'm like one hundred and
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  two pounds wet. I like to eat food like every other week. I'm
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  irritable, I'm exhausted, i am resentful, i am angry, i am
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  sad, I am taken advantage of and I'm heartbroken because of that. And
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  I feel like a few weeks ago, I felt like I was having like
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  a nervous breakdown. I couldn't handle anything. The microwave, like beeping in
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  the kitchen, you know, the dog toys all over the place. The
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  sound of my sweeties slippers on our floor of our bedroom was like, what
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  are you doing? He's like, I'm walking, Well, don't do that.
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  The lights in my studio at five o'clock in the morning when we're doing
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  this morning show right immediately, everyone on the well, everyone on the road.
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  I'm surrounded by tesla drivers Like that's legit. But like the sound of
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  my hair dryer, someone's slurping a drink, get out of here. Like
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  I have been so stressed out and so under like a battle with my body
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  and how chronic pain has affect my has affected my brain. It feels like
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  it just can't handle anything. And it's like all of the coping mechanisms I
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  have created to compartmentalize all the shit around me just decided to shut down.
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  So I couldn't recognize who I was, how I was thinking, how I
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  was reacting, how I was communicating with people that I that I communicate on
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  a day to day basis, people that I work with, people that my
• 9:46
  sweetie and I work with, my friends, my family, everything. I
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  kind of barely remember it all. I seriously felt batshit there for a second,
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  like do I need to check myself in to a mental institution because I
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  felt like I was losing my mind. So we insert the show, right
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  and I'm doing a show here about healing and what I'm doing right now as
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  I'm speaking with you, guys, I'm healing myself. And you know,
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  this show is the most difficult, emotional, honest raw. I use raw
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  all the time, things that I have ever done, and it is really
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  fucking hard, guys. My life isn't all drab and dark, you know,
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  But this show was unveiled. The show has unveiled the most honest person
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  that I could ever be, and that is the only person that I've ever
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  wanted to be. And you know, it's interesting The other night, my
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  Sweedie and I watched a documentary on Kulu called Secrets of the Octopus, and
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  if you haven't seen it, you've got to watch it. It is like
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  spectacular and depending upon who you are watching watching the documentary, it's like four
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  or five like little episodes that are just in that one series. If you've
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  ever been through any kind of trauma, big or little, whatever that means
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  from a young age, adolescent or adult, you learn to adapt. You
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  choose when you can hide and when to reveal yourself. You kind of have
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  like the spidy sense to detect your environments and prep yourself for how am I
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  going to respond to something that may or may not happen. And that's what
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  people that have been through trauma do on a day to day basis. This
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  may or may not happen, and it's gross. Guys, Like, it's
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  totally gross that that's how we live. But we're like, Okay, it's
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  totally possible that that weird guy and that white truck may or may not come
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  over and pull me out of my car. You know, this is a
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  gross way to live. But the octopus thing is so interesting to me about
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  detecting their environments and how they prep theirselves for their response, and we do
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  that, and I reveal here. I try to prep for my response for
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  how I'm going to do this show, and sometimes it blindsides me and I
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  have to adapt. Right. But having been somebody that's been fearful of living
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  for most of my life, I live in a fairly decent state of fear.
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  And that's just gross to say that out loud, but that's what I'm
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  here for. I live in fear of a world that exists only for me.
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  And I feel like we all have our own world that we live in
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  and that we exist in and that we are fearful of because of our life's
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  experiences, and nobody is ever going to get it but us. But what's
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  happened is in I've secluded myself so bad. I've trapped myself in my home,
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  and by proxy, I've beat up my immune system, you know,
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  because I don't leave the home. So when my sweeting and I leave,
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  like you know, on our vacations, I end up sick for the entire
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  trip because we're so stressed out before and I'm so sleep deprived. I only
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  have those two weeks to sleep and be sick. It's kind of gross.
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  But here I am with the show and the fact that my pain has not
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  gotten better but only worse, is only more fear right that it might be
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  the end of me. But bite on a stick, lindsay, you gotta
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  do it. And this place that I live in on the daily is scary
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  to show you. And there aren't many people that were allowed until this place
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  until I started the Paying Game podcast. And you know, I sit here
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  with you now, wherever you are, in your car, in your bed
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  sobbing. I know about twenty five of you in my life that are doing
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  that right now, all women, by the way, or laughing with your
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  kids, in your cubicle, on a plane, sitting on the pooper.
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  Listen to me. Right now, we are losing ourselves. We are losing
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  our purpose we're seeking and no matter how much money we have or don't have,
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  we are all hurting. We're all hurting. So why are we all
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  so broken? You know? Why are we all so angry? Why do
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  we hide behind booze and drugs and food and shopping and success and all of
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  that. Why are we dishonest about our realities with ourselves and others? I
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  don't know about you, but I'm freaking exhausted. I am done with all
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  of this pain. And when I started this show, like I mentioned,
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  I set out to heal myself. I had no idea how much shit was
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  going to come out of me. I did not know how much I had
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  to uncover about myself. I didn't know how truly broken I was, how
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  broken I am, and how broken we all are. And throughout this process
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  of exposing myself, being fearful of who might hear my stories stage right,
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  my parents who might judge me, stage right, the world who might not
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  believe me, everyone, I mean, it scares the living shit out of
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  me. And so I am here. Guys. I need you. Guys.
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  You have been the reason that I have gotten out of my bed to
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  keep trying to keep this bite on a stick chick going. So thank you
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  for being my reason. And I will not let you get down, and
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  I am asking you to let me down either. So my ask is of
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  this, Please share my show with everyone you know. Everyone knows someone who
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  lives in pain. Everyone does in some way. I'm asking for you to
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  get engaged with me. I'm asking for you to love my show. I
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  am asking you to look inside yourself and to help heal the broken places within
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  you. With me, you are exclusively invited to share this bite on a
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  stick vip pain journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to kiel
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  with you by my side. Please follow the Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest
• 16:41
  your podcast content, we will be there. Visit us at the Pain Game
• 16:47
  Podcast, and follow us on all the socials. I know this has been
• 16:51
  a little bit different episode than usual, but you know we're trying to sell
• 16:56
  fake merch here today. Thanks for listening my VIPs to on the other side.
• 17:07
  Mm hmm.