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479. What does it really take to know someone? Important questions to ask yourself · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:07
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:12
Speaker 1: So this podcast episode, we are going to be talking
0:15
Speaker 1: about what does it really take to know someone? Now,
0:20
Speaker 1: you can apply this to any relationship in your life. Obviously,
0:24
Speaker 1: I feel like with relatives, especially people that you've grown
0:28
Speaker 1: up with, this is kind of redundant because of course
0:30
Speaker 1: you're going to know them based on what I'm going
0:31
Speaker 1: to talk about here. But in general, when we talk
0:34
Speaker 1: about friends, when we talk about colleagues, when we talk
0:36
Speaker 1: about romantic relationships, that's the main one that I'm really
0:40
Speaker 1: going to refer to here. But any relationship, what does
0:43
Speaker 1: it really take to know someone? And if you're in
0:44
Speaker 1: a position where you're saying is this love or is
0:48
Speaker 1: this limerence? These questions are really going to make you
0:52
Speaker 1: work that out for yourself. So if you're someone that's
0:56
Speaker 1: crazy fallen for someone, but you're like I, you know,
1:00
Speaker 1: am I falling for the image of this individual? Or
1:03
Speaker 1: is there enough here that I know that I can
1:05
Speaker 1: really know someone? This also kind of leads on to
1:08
Speaker 1: an episode I did very recently, I think it was
1:10
Speaker 1: last week, where I spoke about, you know, keeping a
1:12
Speaker 1: spark alive and all of that. If you really know someone,
1:17
Speaker 1: it's easy to be able to do things to get
1:19
Speaker 1: closer with that person and to be able to work
1:21
Speaker 1: together with them for like the improvement of the relationship,
1:25
Speaker 1: whether it's a friend or whether it's a romantic partner,
1:28
Speaker 1: versus if you are just blatantly in love with them
1:31
Speaker 1: or infatuated or have limerens, but you don't actually know
1:33
Speaker 1: this person. So we're going to go through what it
1:36
Speaker 1: really takes to know someone, and we're going to ask
1:37
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of questions surrounding that. But before we do,
1:42
Speaker 1: first they just wanted to address the wrist band in
1:45
Speaker 1: my video. If you I did mention this before, but
1:48
Speaker 1: if you are watching the video version of this podcast,
1:51
Speaker 1: either on YouTube or Spotify, you will see that I'm
1:54
Speaker 1: wearing a wristband. It's actually called du Curvein's syndrome or
1:58
Speaker 1: tenderartists and it's mum thumb. It's known as where you
2:02
Speaker 1: get like a an inflammation in a tendon when like
2:07
Speaker 1: you move your thumb out to the side, and that's
2:09
Speaker 1: from holding the babies. And of course it's in my
2:11
Speaker 1: right hand because I'm left handed, so I'm holding the
2:14
Speaker 1: baby's constantly in my non dominant hand while I do
2:16
Speaker 1: everything else with my left and I have a strained tendon.
2:21
Speaker 1: But anyway, good times. I'm trying to just keep it
2:23
Speaker 1: still as much as possible. Not happening, though not happening anyway,
2:28
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about and very interest this is
2:31
Speaker 1: we're back on the brain facts, guys. This is a
2:32
Speaker 1: psychology brain fact, and I thought, great brain fact. I
2:37
Speaker 1: stumbled across this study. I was just doing some light reading,
2:40
Speaker 1: looking over interesting studies and trying to find something that
2:43
Speaker 1: you guys would probably find quite fascinating. And I found
2:46
Speaker 1: this study and I thought I would share it on
2:47
Speaker 1: my podcast before getting into the podcast topic. And this
2:51
Speaker 1: study is called self affirmation activates brain systems linked to
2:57
Speaker 1: self processing and reward and is reinforce by future orientation.
3:01
Speaker 1: So basically we are talking about the neuroscientific benefits of
3:04
Speaker 1: positive affirmation. This is what this study is looking at,
3:08
Speaker 1: what happens in the brain when we engage in this
3:11
Speaker 1: positive style of affirmation and how does it change us. Now,
3:15
Speaker 1: instead of just straight up this study, instead of just
3:18
Speaker 1: straight up asking do affirmations work, the study was asking
3:21
Speaker 1: a more specific question. And you're going to find that
3:23
Speaker 1: with a lot of research articles. When people pull information
3:27
Speaker 1: from research articles, normally they have to pull information from
3:29
Speaker 1: quite a few different articles because each research has to
3:32
Speaker 1: ask quite a specific question, so it's able to be observed, studied,
3:37
Speaker 1: and reported on. Okay, So instead of saying do affirmations work,
3:41
Speaker 1: because that's extremely broad, how can you do that? In
3:43
Speaker 1: one study, they asked what happens in your brain when
3:46
Speaker 1: you affirm something meaningful to yourself about yourself and what
3:51
Speaker 1: does that translate to in real behavior? Okay, So researchers
3:56
Speaker 1: grabbed participants, they put them in an fMRI function all
4:00
Speaker 1: magnetic resonance imaging machine, you know that hectic one that
4:04
Speaker 1: you can't take any metals into because it'll get sucked into,
4:06
Speaker 1: and they asked them to reflect on there, like the
4:10
Speaker 1: two different groups, because you obviously have to compare things
4:13
Speaker 1: for it to be a proper study. So they had
4:15
Speaker 1: to reflect on things that were true to their core
4:18
Speaker 1: personal values, that were meaningful and positive to them, so
4:21
Speaker 1: not negative things. So things like you know, I'm a
4:24
Speaker 1: good person, I'm really likable, i am I'm worth xyzx,
4:28
Speaker 1: so things that are really important to the core of
4:31
Speaker 1: you that make you feel better versus thinking about neutral
4:35
Speaker 1: everyday topics, and they observed what was going on in
4:38
Speaker 1: the brain functionally, in other words, not just a snapshop,
4:41
Speaker 1: but we're looking at where the movement is occurring in
4:43
Speaker 1: the brain, Where is this activity happening. So they weren't
4:46
Speaker 1: just repeating these random positive statements, that were really thinking
4:50
Speaker 1: about things and values that really mattered to them. And
4:54
Speaker 1: so on top of looking at what was happening in
4:56
Speaker 1: the brain, the researchers also track to their behavior later,
5:00
Speaker 1: so where the people became. And the main thing that
5:02
Speaker 1: they were looking at is people, does this positive you know,
5:07
Speaker 1: reinforcing these positive feelings and affirmations and statements about yourself.
5:11
Speaker 1: Does it translate into a less sedentary lifestyle? Outside of that,
5:15
Speaker 1: that's the market that they decided to look at, among
5:18
Speaker 1: other things, because you're looking at the brain regions of
5:20
Speaker 1: course as well, but as far as behaviorally, they were
5:23
Speaker 1: looking at do you have a less sedentary lifestyle? So
5:26
Speaker 1: what happened when people reflected on core values is like
5:29
Speaker 1: really affirming who they are. Two brain regions were activated.
5:33
Speaker 1: The first one is this part of the brain that
5:35
Speaker 1: activates a lot when you're thinking about who I am.
5:38
Speaker 1: This is the medial prefrontal cortex. This is involved in
5:41
Speaker 1: self concept, identity, self reflection. And then the posterior singular cortex,
5:46
Speaker 1: which helps construct your personal story. It helps constructive meaning
5:51
Speaker 1: your sense of self over time. Okay, and then together
5:56
Speaker 1: when you look at these two brain regions together, it
5:58
Speaker 1: really helps form part of who am I? Like, this
6:01
Speaker 1: is who I am, our identity, our sense of self.
6:04
Speaker 1: So affirmations. When people were asked to think about things
6:07
Speaker 1: that were really meaningful to their core and their core
6:10
Speaker 1: values that made them feel good, it activated these networks,
6:14
Speaker 1: so meaning that change started becoming tied to identity rather
6:18
Speaker 1: than this external pressure. So this identity part was really
6:22
Speaker 1: firing up and getting strengthened, and there's a lot of
6:24
Speaker 1: energy going to those regions of the brain. Then we
6:27
Speaker 1: saw the reward system, so we saw areas involved in
6:30
Speaker 1: motivation and value activated. So the ventral austraatum this is
6:34
Speaker 1: dopamine and the reward system. There's a lot of activity
6:36
Speaker 1: and production of dopamin in these regions, and the ventromedial
6:39
Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex vmPFC. If he have said written, and this
6:44
Speaker 1: is decision making and value integration. Decision making very important
6:49
Speaker 1: because we're talking about what's going to help me get
6:51
Speaker 1: off my ass and do this thing that makes something
6:53
Speaker 1: happen for me. When we talk about manifestation and affirmations
6:56
Speaker 1: and all of that, and how is the brain and
6:58
Speaker 1: neuroscience related to that, Your thoughts play a massive influence
7:03
Speaker 1: on what neurochemicals are going to be fired to actually
7:07
Speaker 1: motivate you and give you that initial oomph that you
7:11
Speaker 1: need to get up and do that thing. And this
7:13
Speaker 1: is what we're seeing actually happen in the brain. Dopamine
7:16
Speaker 1: is your willingness to do things. It's not just this
7:19
Speaker 1: addictive chemical that we're thinking about. It is what's going
7:21
Speaker 1: to make me actually want something enough or be excited
7:25
Speaker 1: or feel that reward enough to actually get up and
7:27
Speaker 1: go and chase that thing. Okay, then we're talking about
7:30
Speaker 1: decision making. If we can make sharp, good decisions that
7:33
Speaker 1: are healthy for us, all these regions are firing when
7:37
Speaker 1: we're having these positive statements and focusing on these positive
7:40
Speaker 1: values about ourselves. So these regions are the ones that
7:43
Speaker 1: respond when something feels rewarding. When participants affirmed their own
7:47
Speaker 1: value saying good things about themselves, these regions were lighting up.
7:52
Speaker 1: So this means that brain began to treat aligned behavior
7:57
Speaker 1: as something valuable, not just this I should do it,
8:01
Speaker 1: or but thinking, this is really valuable to me, so
8:03
Speaker 1: I've got the push to go and do that thing. Okay,
8:05
Speaker 1: So it became easier to actually do things when you
8:09
Speaker 1: said positive things about yourself. Then they also found that
8:13
Speaker 1: future focused affirmations or statements worked the best. So when
8:17
Speaker 1: people linked their value to the future who they wanted
8:20
Speaker 1: to become, you know, images of what they were capable
8:23
Speaker 1: of becoming, what they're deserving of becoming, but more like
8:27
Speaker 1: in the future, they found that this activation in the
8:30
Speaker 1: brain regions was even stronger. So it's not just about
8:33
Speaker 1: self esteem. These affirmations, they became connected to future goals, motivation,
8:37
Speaker 1: increased long term behavior was kind of put into practice,
8:41
Speaker 1: and things were changing for their long term behavior. And
8:44
Speaker 1: the people who showed the strongest activations in the medial
8:47
Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex, the ventral medial prefrontal cortex, and the ventral
8:51
Speaker 1: strada were more likely to change their behavior later. So
8:55
Speaker 1: they saw that in the scans literally where the areas
8:58
Speaker 1: were lighting up, and people that had these strong you
9:00
Speaker 1: know thoughts around their core values and future affirmations were
9:04
Speaker 1: the ones that were actually going to make change later on. Okay,
9:07
Speaker 1: so they actually were able to not just make people
9:12
Speaker 1: feel better, but it changed how the brain values action. Okay, So,
9:17
Speaker 1: in simple terms, this style of affirmation where you're focusing
9:21
Speaker 1: on this core value, something that feels real to you
9:23
Speaker 1: but feels really good about yourself in the now and
9:26
Speaker 1: especially in the future. It anchors behavior in your identity,
9:29
Speaker 1: so you're more likely to do it. It reshapes your
9:31
Speaker 1: internal narrative, it engages your reward circuitry, and it then
9:35
Speaker 1: links kind of present action to your future self. In
9:38
Speaker 1: other words, you're more likely to do something today for
9:41
Speaker 1: the you of tomorrow, which is what I talk about constantly,
9:44
Speaker 1: like how do we think about doing things for us
9:47
Speaker 1: tomorrow in the now instead of waiting for later later, later,
9:51
Speaker 1: when I'm in the mood, when I've got more time,
9:52
Speaker 1: when I'm feeling better, when I'm feeling like I've got
9:54
Speaker 1: more energy, when I've slept better, all these things. Okay,
9:56
Speaker 1: So behavior stops feeling like I need to do this,
9:59
Speaker 1: I should be doing this, and then it becomes this
10:02
Speaker 1: this behavior that I'm going to do really fits my identity,
10:05
Speaker 1: fits my core value. Of course, I'm going to do
10:07
Speaker 1: it because it makes me feel good. It's part of
10:09
Speaker 1: who I am, that identity regions that I was talking
10:12
Speaker 1: about within the brain. So affirmations basically don't work because
10:17
Speaker 1: they are forcing motivation. They work because they are changing
10:21
Speaker 1: how your brain is really relating to this identity, this
10:25
Speaker 1: sense of the self. And because your identity gets stronger
10:29
Speaker 1: in a way that makes you feel better about yourself,
10:31
Speaker 1: then you're more likely to engage in these rewarding behaviors
10:34
Speaker 1: which make you feel good, not addictive rewarding behaviors, but
10:38
Speaker 1: rewarding behaviors that affirm this really positive sense of self.
10:42
Speaker 1: And then of course, when we're looking at cetatry behavior,
10:45
Speaker 1: they found that those participants that had the biggest light
10:49
Speaker 1: up in those regions had a much less sedentary lifestyle
10:52
Speaker 1: as well. So that was the study that I wanted
10:56
Speaker 1: to touch on because I thought it was very, very fascinating.
10:59
Speaker 1: Now let's get straight into the topic of today's episode.
11:05
Speaker 1: I'm gonna rattle off a bunch of questions and then
11:07
Speaker 1: we're going to be going through, you know, answering, like
11:10
Speaker 1: picking apart a bunch of these questions. So, how much
11:14
Speaker 1: can you really know the person that you're dating. We're
11:16
Speaker 1: going to be talking about that. Can you really feel
11:18
Speaker 1: you know someone after they have deceived you? Do we
11:22
Speaker 1: really know people or do we know the version of
11:25
Speaker 1: them that exists within the context of our relationship. Can
11:30
Speaker 1: you truly know someone who's never been tested by stress
11:33
Speaker 1: or conflict? After deception? Do you lose knowledge about that
11:37
Speaker 1: person or do you gain clarity? And can chemistry create
11:41
Speaker 1: a false sense of knowing someone? So we're going to
11:43
Speaker 1: be diving into a whole bunch of these questions or
11:46
Speaker 1: all of these questions. Okay, now what does it actually
11:53
Speaker 1: mean to know someone? So it's this gradual process that
11:58
Speaker 1: is driven by building a shp reality, by building trust,
12:02
Speaker 1: by being vulnerable, by really understanding how this individual operates
12:07
Speaker 1: within the relationship, but I would say, more importantly outside
12:11
Speaker 1: of the relationship. Okay, so some statistically I was trying
12:14
Speaker 1: to like find like hard numbers, but it was a
12:17
Speaker 1: bit all over the place. But some stats were saying
12:19
Speaker 1: that it takes between forty to sixty hours to get
12:22
Speaker 1: to know an acquaintance, forty to sixty hours, eighty to
12:25
Speaker 1: one hundred for friends, and over two hundred hours for
12:29
Speaker 1: close friends or someone that you are dating. That's what
12:32
Speaker 1: it takes to know someone. But having said this hour thing,
12:35
Speaker 1: it is within context because it is it is a
12:38
Speaker 1: blend between time and insight. Okay, So that's what I
12:42
Speaker 1: really want to talk about in today's episode. In order
12:44
Speaker 1: to get to know someone, you need a combination of
12:46
Speaker 1: the two. You need time and special insight. And we're
12:51
Speaker 1: going to be talking about what kind of insight you
12:53
Speaker 1: need to really get to know someone. So if you're
12:55
Speaker 1: on the fence about an individual or a person and
12:57
Speaker 1: you're not sure these this is really going to help
12:59
Speaker 1: you out. So I wanted to start with a question
13:01
Speaker 1: that I think is probably the most important one in
13:03
Speaker 1: the whole thing, and that is do we really know
13:05
Speaker 1: someone or do we know the version of them that
13:08
Speaker 1: exists in the context of our relationship. This one plays
13:13
Speaker 1: so heavily in so many different like this is the
13:16
Speaker 1: one that grinds my gears when I watch those like
13:18
Speaker 1: dating shows, whether you watch Maths, whether you watch Love
13:21
Speaker 1: is Blind, whether you watch or you know like and
13:26
Speaker 1: by the way, Maths is married at first sight for
13:28
Speaker 1: those of you that don't have Maths playing in your country,
13:31
Speaker 1: because I think there's a few countries that do it.
13:32
Speaker 1: But anyway, it's these like dating shows. And also when
13:36
Speaker 1: you date someone online and only date them in the
13:40
Speaker 1: context of an online relationship and then you have this
13:42
Speaker 1: feeling that you're in love with them, impossible, impossible? Can
13:46
Speaker 1: you form strong feelings with this person and then it
13:49
Speaker 1: lead to love because you are a good match in
13:52
Speaker 1: the end and you do it? Yes. Of course there
13:55
Speaker 1: are people that have been on maths that then it
13:57
Speaker 1: ended up really working out. They got to know each
13:59
Speaker 1: other and then they became a successful relationship. So I'm
14:01
Speaker 1: not saying, oh my god, if you meet someone and
14:03
Speaker 1: you say you love them straight away, it doesn't work.
14:04
Speaker 1: But do you actually know this individual, can you love them?
14:08
Speaker 1: Or is it limeerents or lust that's more likely what's happening.
14:11
Speaker 1: So these dating shows are just I don't know, I
14:17
Speaker 1: personally have like a you know, it's entertaining if you're
14:20
Speaker 1: into that kind of like you know, reality show entertainment,
14:23
Speaker 1: just like to you know, whatever, fine, but it's not
14:27
Speaker 1: believable to me at all. And I also think that
14:29
Speaker 1: it can be damaging at times to the individuals on
14:32
Speaker 1: the show and also to the people watching the show
14:34
Speaker 1: about their belits around relationships because a lot of it
14:36
Speaker 1: is just a fucking piece of shit, okay, But if
14:38
Speaker 1: you're doing it for just surface level entertainment, go for it, okay.
14:43
Speaker 1: The reason for this is because when you are in
14:46
Speaker 1: this pressure cooker situation, when you're dating someone on a
14:48
Speaker 1: TV show online, when you've just met somebody online and
14:52
Speaker 1: you've never met them in the context of real life,
14:54
Speaker 1: you have little time and you don't have much insight.
14:58
Speaker 1: Insight is the biggest one because because if you only
15:01
Speaker 1: know someone because how they treat you, you can only
15:04
Speaker 1: see a very curated version of that individual. To know
15:08
Speaker 1: someone is to see them interact in their outside world.
15:12
Speaker 1: And I'm not just saying how they how they treat
15:15
Speaker 1: a stranger, because I do love that saying that. It's like,
15:18
Speaker 1: you know, how do they treat the way tell the waitress,
15:20
Speaker 1: But it's so much deeper than that, because it's easy
15:22
Speaker 1: to be polite to a waiter and a waitress. If
15:25
Speaker 1: someone's an asshole to you know, someone in the service industry,
15:28
Speaker 1: then they're a fucking asshole. But it is easy to
15:30
Speaker 1: be kind to these you know, surface level three second
15:34
Speaker 1: interactions with strangers. How do they treat their mother, how
15:38
Speaker 1: do they treat their you know, if they have people
15:42
Speaker 1: working underneath them, how do they treat their employees? Do
15:44
Speaker 1: they have respect for people that they deem that have
15:48
Speaker 1: less a status to them? How do they deal with
15:50
Speaker 1: the idea of status as a concept. How do they
15:53
Speaker 1: look at you know, for example, I used to always
15:56
Speaker 1: say that for me, the biggest deal breaker is someone
15:59
Speaker 1: who is either like racist or homophobic. I don't care
16:03
Speaker 1: if they treat me like a fucking queen and shower
16:06
Speaker 1: me with everything that I've ever wanted. If they're racist
16:08
Speaker 1: or homophobic, that says a massive thing about their character. Right,
16:12
Speaker 1: So that's like you have to look at things that
16:16
Speaker 1: outside of the dynamic of my relationship with this individual.
16:19
Speaker 1: With all I know is that then you don't know
16:22
Speaker 1: that person well enough. I hate to break it to you,
16:24
Speaker 1: but you simply don't. So that's why these dating shows
16:26
Speaker 1: and all of that shit, it's all well and good.
16:28
Speaker 1: And then when they start interacting with other people, like
16:30
Speaker 1: in Love is Blind, when they start like when they
16:32
Speaker 1: get out of the pods, other than the fact that
16:33
Speaker 1: they're shallow as fucking they're like, oh, you're actually not
16:36
Speaker 1: normally my type, then why the fuck are you on
16:38
Speaker 1: the show, you idiot, it's because you want your second
16:40
Speaker 1: fame anyway. They then start interacting with the other couples,
16:44
Speaker 1: and then cracks start to form, of course, because you're
16:46
Speaker 1: seeing this person that you profess your fucking love to
16:49
Speaker 1: on national television no less, and then you're seeing them
16:52
Speaker 1: interact with someone else, and you're like, ooh, I'm seeing
16:55
Speaker 1: all these like ix and red flags, and I'm seeing
16:57
Speaker 1: parts of your personality that I just don't really mesh
16:59
Speaker 1: well with because you are starting starting to gain insight. Okay,
17:05
Speaker 1: so when we're talking about, you know, do we really
17:10
Speaker 1: know people or just the version of them that exists
17:12
Speaker 1: in the context of the relationship. If you only ever
17:14
Speaker 1: know this person in the context of the relationship, then no,
17:16
Speaker 1: you do not really know this person. You get to
17:18
Speaker 1: know a big portion of them, of that person, You
17:21
Speaker 1: get to know a side of them that many people
17:22
Speaker 1: never get to see. But it's also very important that
17:25
Speaker 1: you look at how they interact with other people. And
17:27
Speaker 1: this takes time. That's why I say time plus insight.
17:31
Speaker 1: You can't know all of that in one day. It
17:33
Speaker 1: takes time. It takes you seeing them getting tested, seeing
17:36
Speaker 1: them put under pressure, all these things Okay, So when
17:41
Speaker 1: you also see it with relationships that are long distance
17:43
Speaker 1: where they met long distance, Like for example, say you
17:47
Speaker 1: go to another country, you fall in love with someone.
17:49
Speaker 1: Everything's amazing, it's great, they're in their element, it's all
17:52
Speaker 1: well and good. They're introducing you to beers, that whatever.
17:55
Speaker 1: And then they come to your country and you're like,
17:57
Speaker 1: oh my god, I've fallen out of love with them
17:58
Speaker 1: because everything changed. They're put under pressure. They you know,
18:01
Speaker 1: they actually don't want to socialize with other people. They're this,
18:04
Speaker 1: they're that, So you see a different side of them
18:06
Speaker 1: and vice versa. You might think that your relationship is great,
18:09
Speaker 1: but then you go to their country and you think,
18:11
Speaker 1: oh my god, like absolutely not, Like I feel like
18:13
Speaker 1: I'm not the person that I was originally in this relationship.
18:16
Speaker 1: So it always takes this time. Also, if you guys
18:20
Speaker 1: have ever watched Nine Today fiance, fuck, I'm fascinating as well.
18:22
Speaker 1: That's another one that's I find so interesting. Okay, now
18:26
Speaker 1: the next quest, so, yeah, the answer is no, you
18:28
Speaker 1: have to know them outside of the relationship as well. Now,
18:30
Speaker 1: the next one is, can you truly know someone who
18:32
Speaker 1: has never been tested by stress or conflict? In short? No,
18:36
Speaker 1: you can't, because if you only ever see someone in
18:39
Speaker 1: pleasant situations, not dealing with stress, not dealing with pressure,
18:44
Speaker 1: not dealing with defeat, embarrassment, challenges, all of that combined,
18:51
Speaker 1: What does anger look like for them? What is their
18:55
Speaker 1: reaction when something doesn't go right, when they are absolutely
18:58
Speaker 1: at their limit? How do they respond? Do they retreat?
19:02
Speaker 1: Do they snap? Are they the kind of person that
19:04
Speaker 1: lashes out at the people closest to them because they're
19:06
Speaker 1: not going to lash out at strangers. Are they the
19:08
Speaker 1: ones that have this you know, like they can really
19:11
Speaker 1: keep their cool in public because they care about you know,
19:15
Speaker 1: how they come across to strangers, but they act like
19:18
Speaker 1: an actual fuck with behind closed doors. Like how does
19:21
Speaker 1: this person react to these challenges in their life? How
19:24
Speaker 1: do they express it? You know, if you don't know
19:26
Speaker 1: the answer to that, you need to find out the
19:30
Speaker 1: answer to that before you can truly say I am
19:33
Speaker 1: in love with this person? I am, you know, because
19:35
Speaker 1: you might. And I've been in this situation too where
19:37
Speaker 1: I've fallen really heavily, like love bombing situation. You fall
19:41
Speaker 1: for someone hard, you then get really close to you,
19:44
Speaker 1: introduce them as your partner to everyone. Everything's well and good,
19:46
Speaker 1: and then when things start to settle and you start
19:48
Speaker 1: to get to know them, then these massive cracks start
19:51
Speaker 1: to appear and you think, oh my god, if only
19:52
Speaker 1: I had given this a little bit more time. But
19:54
Speaker 1: you don't well, I mean, you don't logically think that
19:56
Speaker 1: in the moment, but after a time you start realizing,
20:00
Speaker 1: wait a minute, the person that I'm dating now is
20:02
Speaker 1: this really angry, volatile person, and you're scrambling to get
20:05
Speaker 1: it back to what it was at the start. But
20:07
Speaker 1: it's not that they changed. They were just hiding a
20:09
Speaker 1: big part of you until they got you trapped, until
20:12
Speaker 1: they got you reliant on them and in love with
20:15
Speaker 1: them and needing them and feeling like there's such a
20:18
Speaker 1: catch that you just can't have anyone better than them,
20:21
Speaker 1: and then they're able to just lash out and manipulate
20:23
Speaker 1: you and have all these horrible, you know, traits of
20:26
Speaker 1: how they fucking express their anger and things like that.
20:30
Speaker 1: So you do really have to see them interact with
20:34
Speaker 1: the outside world in pressure cooker situations. Until you have
20:38
Speaker 1: your first disagreement. I don't think you have real insight
20:41
Speaker 1: into someone until you can actually disagree on a topic
20:44
Speaker 1: and see do they still respect me. I don't have
20:46
Speaker 1: to agree with them. I don't have to walk away
20:47
Speaker 1: from here feeling like they've say yep, you're right whatever.
20:50
Speaker 1: But how do they still respect you? Do they still
20:54
Speaker 1: respect you enough so you can speak your mind? Do
20:57
Speaker 1: they dismiss you, disrespect you, shut you down? Do they
20:59
Speaker 1: carry to assassinate you? Or are they able to talk
21:02
Speaker 1: calmly about something that's gone down? Are they able to apologize?
21:05
Speaker 1: Or are they too proud? All these things you can
21:08
Speaker 1: only know if you see this person put in a
21:12
Speaker 1: difficult situation, a situation that challenges them, that takes them
21:16
Speaker 1: out of their like comfortable operating system, and it pulls
21:19
Speaker 1: them into something where they are faced to deal with
21:22
Speaker 1: an uncomfortable feeling in front of you. You can only
21:25
Speaker 1: know someone with depth until you've seen them in that situation.
21:30
Speaker 1: So that's why it is these people in the fucking
21:32
Speaker 1: pods falling in love. You're kidding yourself. You are kidding yourself,
21:37
Speaker 1: and that's why most of them are like, oh my god,
21:38
Speaker 1: I like, get this fuck wit away from me. Days later? Okay,
21:44
Speaker 1: next one. Can chemistry create a false sense of knowing?
21:46
Speaker 1: Of course it can, because this intense surge of chemicals
21:50
Speaker 1: and emotions that you experience when in lust makes you
21:53
Speaker 1: feel this crazy connection. It's a bias. Of course you're
21:56
Speaker 1: going to feel this crazy connection when you have this
21:58
Speaker 1: surge of emotions. Is so of neurochemicals, oxytose to dovermine serotonin.
22:03
Speaker 1: You're like, my god, if it feels like a drug,
22:05
Speaker 1: it literally is a drug within the brain. Okay, with
22:08
Speaker 1: this deep sense of chemistry, these overwhelming emotions, this passion,
22:13
Speaker 1: we feel that we know this person. How could you
22:16
Speaker 1: feel so strongly for someone that you don't know that well? Right,
22:19
Speaker 1: So that way we start it's a bias. We start
22:21
Speaker 1: telling ourselves, well, of course I love this person. Of
22:23
Speaker 1: course I care so much about this person. I've never
22:25
Speaker 1: felt this way. You probably have felt this way before,
22:27
Speaker 1: but you just don't remember it because it's so acute
22:29
Speaker 1: in the moment that when you are feeling it, it's
22:31
Speaker 1: hard to remember another time that you felt this good. Right,
22:35
Speaker 1: think of Limerens. Okay, when you are so infatuated with
22:39
Speaker 1: this impression of someone that you know, you are so
22:44
Speaker 1: impressed by certain external things, whether it's their looks, whether
22:47
Speaker 1: it's their success, whether it's their status, their confidence. There's
22:50
Speaker 1: many other things that can cause someone to feel limerents, okay,
22:53
Speaker 1: but it's normally something that obviously impresses you about that person,
22:56
Speaker 1: and then you start to formulate, you feel in all
22:59
Speaker 1: the gaps about this individual, and then you start to
23:01
Speaker 1: daydream about the relationship in the future that you could
23:04
Speaker 1: have with this person. Okay, So you start feeling this
23:08
Speaker 1: surge of emotions, and a lot of the time, for
23:10
Speaker 1: many people, it is not reciprocated. That feeling is not reciprocated.
23:14
Speaker 1: So you start to fill in all the gaps with
23:16
Speaker 1: the best case scenario, because if this person hasn't if
23:19
Speaker 1: you haven't gone on that first date or at least
23:21
Speaker 1: the second date, if you haven't gone further, you start
23:25
Speaker 1: imagining what it could be like, what it could be like,
23:27
Speaker 1: not based on facts, based on oh my god, everything
23:29
Speaker 1: about this person is perfect on paper. So I'm creating
23:32
Speaker 1: this image of this individual in my head. Right, So
23:34
Speaker 1: you've got this imagined scenario of who they are, of
23:37
Speaker 1: what the relationship would look like. So this intense feeling
23:41
Speaker 1: of limerence is very easily mistaken for love because the
23:44
Speaker 1: surge of emotions is so high. Okay, So it makes
23:48
Speaker 1: you feel like you know this person and your biases
23:50
Speaker 1: will make you believe that it's so. So I think
23:52
Speaker 1: when it comes to those relationships, you got to ask yourself,
23:56
Speaker 1: I need to think of questions to help me get
23:59
Speaker 1: to know this person more than the image that I've
24:02
Speaker 1: chalked up in my mind. So there's this famous questionnaires,
24:07
Speaker 1: Arthur Aaron's thirty six questions, but you can use and
24:09
Speaker 1: I've got a fucking I've got the dad WAFM card
24:11
Speaker 1: game that you know people have pulled out in relationships
24:14
Speaker 1: and they're like, wow, we ask questions that we never
24:15
Speaker 1: even knew about each other. But this particular one Afthur
24:18
Speaker 1: Aaron's thirty six questions, it's free. You can look it
24:20
Speaker 1: up online. Different to my card game, but free. So
24:25
Speaker 1: you know, there are questions to get to know someone,
24:27
Speaker 1: to get them to open up about things that might
24:29
Speaker 1: not normally come up in the initial stages of dating,
24:33
Speaker 1: on the initial stages of friendship, someone that you worked
24:36
Speaker 1: with for a long time but only known them in
24:37
Speaker 1: that one context, right, So you might know someone superficially
24:41
Speaker 1: for a very long time as an acquaintance, but you
24:43
Speaker 1: actually have no idea about like what's their relationship with
24:46
Speaker 1: their parents? And how they are affected by certain things.
24:50
Speaker 1: Questions such as like, what do you value the most
24:53
Speaker 1: in a friendship? Would you like to be famous? In
24:56
Speaker 1: what way? And why? That gives massive insight into you know,
25:01
Speaker 1: people's beliefs and thoughts and wants and passions and things
25:04
Speaker 1: like that. If you could change anything about the way
25:06
Speaker 1: you were raised, what would it be? What if anything
25:10
Speaker 1: is too serious to be joked about. The questions like
25:13
Speaker 1: that start to spark really interesting conversation and insight. Okay.
25:19
Speaker 1: The next question is can you feel you know someone
25:22
Speaker 1: after they have deceived you? Yes, you can, and again
25:26
Speaker 1: it depends what insight you had prior to this deception
25:31
Speaker 1: you know, and what has it taught you? Okay, So
25:34
Speaker 1: if you have context and understanding, you can still know
25:37
Speaker 1: this person and how they operate. So, for example, when
25:40
Speaker 1: someone deceives you, it gives you massive insight into that person.
25:46
Speaker 1: If they're deceiving you but it was because they're really
25:49
Speaker 1: trying not to hurt you, then maybe you're able to
25:53
Speaker 1: be like, oh, I understand why you lied about that thing.
25:56
Speaker 1: I don't appreciate that you lied, and it lets me
25:59
Speaker 1: know that you are capable of omitting information and lying
26:02
Speaker 1: but I understand that it came from a place of
26:05
Speaker 1: really just trying to protect me, and deep down once
26:09
Speaker 1: I really cracked it up and there wasn't any malice,
26:11
Speaker 1: so I start to understand how you operate. You are
26:13
Speaker 1: capable of lying, but it's on superficial things. You will
26:17
Speaker 1: omit unnecessary information, maybe because in the past you found
26:21
Speaker 1: it really difficult to be honest. So you start to
26:23
Speaker 1: learn versus if someone deceives you purely for selfish purposes,
26:29
Speaker 1: whether it's cheating, whether it's you know, omitting information so
26:32
Speaker 1: they can get an upper hand on something you know,
26:34
Speaker 1: then that does help you get to know someone better.
26:38
Speaker 1: I think we think, oh, well, they've done this thing.
26:40
Speaker 1: How can I regain how can I have this feeling
26:42
Speaker 1: I had about them in the past, all these times
26:44
Speaker 1: that someone will deceive you or lie whatever it is
26:47
Speaker 1: information that you need to know, So you actually do
26:50
Speaker 1: get to know someone better once they have deceived you,
26:52
Speaker 1: even though sometimes you think, oh my god, I feel
26:55
Speaker 1: I don't know them anymore. The version that you knew
26:57
Speaker 1: of them has been kind of dismantled bit, but you
27:01
Speaker 1: start to regain new understanding of the new version. What
27:05
Speaker 1: a lot of people will do, which is quite unhealthy,
27:07
Speaker 1: is they think, oh no, that's not who you are,
27:09
Speaker 1: that is not who you are. You're better than that,
27:11
Speaker 1: you know, and so they will dismiss it as an anomaly.
27:14
Speaker 1: They'll be like, oh no, they have this bias of like, no, no,
27:18
Speaker 1: I love who you actually are. That's so out of character.
27:20
Speaker 1: So let's just like, just just promise me you'll never
27:23
Speaker 1: do it again, and it's fine. And then you're lying
27:24
Speaker 1: to yourself when you just have this golden nuggative information
27:27
Speaker 1: of insight into that person. And I'm not saying that
27:30
Speaker 1: you know, you can't ever trust someone who's done one lie,
27:33
Speaker 1: but it lets you know how they operate. Like I said,
27:35
Speaker 1: you can push past someone lying to you if you
27:38
Speaker 1: can understand where it came from, What were their motivations,
27:41
Speaker 1: what kind of lie was it? Why do you think
27:43
Speaker 1: they struggle to, you know, tell you information that might
27:46
Speaker 1: not seem that important to lie about things like that,
27:50
Speaker 1: but for you to say, oh my god, it was
27:52
Speaker 1: so out of character that they did that. So I'm
27:55
Speaker 1: just going to let it slide. You've just gotten an
27:58
Speaker 1: insight into their character and you've chosen on to take
28:00
Speaker 1: it on board. You need to take it on board.
28:02
Speaker 1: If it is a one off forever, then you can say, well,
28:05
Speaker 1: that actually was out of character, but I'm glad that
28:08
Speaker 1: I saw that, because we're all human and we all
28:10
Speaker 1: do things. But don't set yourself up to be hurt
28:14
Speaker 1: again by lying to yourself. You take on that information
28:18
Speaker 1: of being deceived and you learn about it. You know,
28:21
Speaker 1: not this like I'm gonna hold on and throw it
28:23
Speaker 1: in your face forever, but you take it as useful information.
28:26
Speaker 1: I've got insight into you that I didn't have prior
28:29
Speaker 1: to this deception. Now it's either going to be a
28:32
Speaker 1: deal breaker or it's going to just let me learn
28:34
Speaker 1: a little bit about how our relationship is going to
28:36
Speaker 1: be formed moving forward. Okay, So in a nutshell, when
28:39
Speaker 1: we talk about what does it actually take to know someone,
28:42
Speaker 1: it ultimately is that combination of time plus insight. Insight
28:48
Speaker 1: comes from observation outside of you in the relationship. How
28:51
Speaker 1: are they with their family, how are they with you know,
28:54
Speaker 1: like you might for example, another example, I'll throw out
28:56
Speaker 1: it there out there, you're dating a guy and it's
28:59
Speaker 1: like really romantic. It's incredible, it's this, it's that, it's
29:03
Speaker 1: just oh my god, they dote on you, they what
29:05
Speaker 1: are and then you find out that they're actually, you know,
29:09
Speaker 1: so disrespectful to women that they genuinely, deep down believe that, oh, yeah,
29:13
Speaker 1: you can have a job, that God forbid you make
29:14
Speaker 1: more money than me, or they think, you know, I
29:16
Speaker 1: want a traditional woman, I want to submits. And you're like,
29:20
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm so blindsided because the first month
29:22
Speaker 1: was just like sunshine and rainbows and now I've got
29:25
Speaker 1: this insight into them that I never would have seen
29:27
Speaker 1: at the start of the relationship. And it was just
29:29
Speaker 1: us to going on really romantic, lustful dates, right, So
29:32
Speaker 1: that kind of shit. So insight I need to see
29:36
Speaker 1: what their core beliefs are around themselves, but also around
29:39
Speaker 1: other groups of people that they're not part of. What
29:41
Speaker 1: are their beliefs if I'm a woman and they're a man,
29:43
Speaker 1: what are their beliefs on women? What are their beliefs
29:45
Speaker 1: on you know, marginalized groups. What are their beliefs on
29:49
Speaker 1: all kinds of things? How do they treat their family,
29:51
Speaker 1: How do they treat you know, others around them, strangers,
29:53
Speaker 1: but also people that they know. How do they respond
29:55
Speaker 1: when they put in a pressure cooker situation? What is
29:58
Speaker 1: their way of expressing anger, Are they a liar? Are
30:01
Speaker 1: they blah blah blah blah blah. We could go on forever.
30:04
Speaker 1: Insight is key. So if you are falling in love
30:07
Speaker 1: with someone, that is fine, but you have to say
30:09
Speaker 1: to yourself, what are ways that I can gain more insight.
30:12
Speaker 1: I need to spend time with them around their friends.
30:15
Speaker 1: I need to spend time with them around them and
30:17
Speaker 1: their family. I need to like have conversations that spark
30:20
Speaker 1: interesting debates. I need to do this. And if you're
30:23
Speaker 1: in a position where you're like, oh, no, I can't
30:25
Speaker 1: have that conversation, then it means that you already probably
30:27
Speaker 1: do have insight into that person and you're scared to
30:29
Speaker 1: talk to them about something because they might be volatile,
30:31
Speaker 1: they won't go there, they're angry, they're whatever. So you
30:33
Speaker 1: probably already have inklings off that, but you just don't
30:37
Speaker 1: want to face it. It's important that you know the
30:39
Speaker 1: full picture of an individual before you can say that
30:41
Speaker 1: you know them well enough to love them or for
30:43
Speaker 1: them to be your best friend. Okay, so time plus insight.
30:48
Speaker 1: And the reason I say time is because it takes
30:50
Speaker 1: time to see someone in all these different things. You know,
30:52
Speaker 1: It takes time to understand someone's character, right, so over
30:56
Speaker 1: time their character begins to develop, they start to soften.
31:00
Speaker 1: When you start dating someone, and when you're someone's friend,
31:02
Speaker 1: you try and put your best foot forward rightly, So
31:04
Speaker 1: it's not that you're lying, but you're trying to be
31:06
Speaker 1: like I want you to, you know, so you're on
31:08
Speaker 1: your best behavior. When that fades off and you start
31:10
Speaker 1: to relax a bit and whatever, what is their worst behavior? Okay,
31:14
Speaker 1: it's okay for someone to be at their worst because
31:16
Speaker 1: they've gone through like a bad time, But are they
31:18
Speaker 1: treating you like absolute shit in the process, because that's
31:21
Speaker 1: not okay. So all these things time plus insight, okay,
31:25
Speaker 1: insight into knowing the person as the many versions of
31:27
Speaker 1: themselves because all of us have many versions of ourselves. Okay,
31:33
Speaker 1: So that's pretty much the nutshell of my episode. I
31:35
Speaker 1: thought it was really important to talk about this because I,
31:38
Speaker 1: you know, married at First Sight came up and I
31:41
Speaker 1: was kind of looking at it and I don't like
31:45
Speaker 1: I was gonna say I don't normally say controversial things
31:47
Speaker 1: on this podcast. I feel like I do say controversial
31:49
Speaker 1: things on this podcast, but I will say this. I
31:52
Speaker 1: just feel like the psychologists or whoever the fuck they
31:54
Speaker 1: are on that show are not doing their job properly.
31:56
Speaker 1: The fact that they're able to look at people in
31:58
Speaker 1: like legitimately abusive situation to be like, do you want
32:00
Speaker 1: to stay for another week and no one's stepping in?
32:02
Speaker 1: You're there for fucking good TV in a paycheck like.
32:04
Speaker 1: That's how I look at it. It's fucking ridiculous. If
32:06
Speaker 1: I was a therapist, I would never put my name
32:08
Speaker 1: to something like that. Anyway, said what I needed to say.
32:12
Speaker 1: If you watch it for entertainment value, find but I
32:14
Speaker 1: also think it gives a platform for raging narcissists and
32:18
Speaker 1: you know, chauvinistic pigs to have their moment of fang. Anyway,
32:22
Speaker 1: cool beans. That is my view on pretty much all
32:27
Speaker 1: the dating things online, and I have watched a bunch
32:30
Speaker 1: of them here and there, and it's surface level entertainment
32:34
Speaker 1: at best. But please don't think that, oh my god,
32:36
Speaker 1: these people fell in love like that. I'm going to
32:38
Speaker 1: feel in fall in love like that, fall in love
32:39
Speaker 1: in a way that's going to be healthy for your
32:42
Speaker 1: fucking mental health. Alright. Anyway, that is all for today's episode.
32:47
Speaker 1: Love you guys so much, remember as always be kind
32:49
Speaker 1: to yourself. You can't do your brain. Don't text it
32:51
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself. Don't
32:54
Speaker 1: ca