Latest / Pastor John Piper's answers / Marriage Survival After Betrayal

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Marriage Survival After Betrayal · Pastor John Piper's answers

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  Speaker 1: Well, Monday, we looked at the apostasy of impatience. If
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  Speaker 1: we will no longer forgive as we've been forgiven, if
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  Speaker 1: we will no longer return good for evil, if we
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  Speaker 1: will no longer do good, if we will no longer
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  Speaker 1: endure the hardships of this life without giving up on Christ,
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  Speaker 1: we will be lost. The apostasy of impatience is what
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  Speaker 1: we looked at on Monday, and that leads right into
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  Speaker 1: today's question about hard marriages. We get a heavy dose
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  Speaker 1: of hard marriage questions on the podcast True for many
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  Speaker 1: years now, and I mean you can see that proven
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  Speaker 1: out in that whole section in the Aspectal John book
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  Speaker 1: on Heart Marriages. And to top it off, we're reading
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  Speaker 1: the Book of Hosea together for the first five days
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  Speaker 1: of December. It's a season for seeking answers to the
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  Speaker 1: hardest questions, including this one, how to hold together marriages
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  Speaker 1: teetering on the brink after the pain of adultry. An
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  Speaker 1: anonymous woman writes syntaskis, Dear Pastor John, My husband and
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  Speaker 1: I have been married for several years and are walking
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  Speaker 1: beside several other couples who are struggling. We pray for
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  Speaker 1: them often and do the best we can to encourage
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  Speaker 1: them to seek the Holy spirits leading in their lives,
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  Speaker 1: while also keeping healthy boundaries in what we can give. Specifically,
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  Speaker 1: do you have any advice for couples impacted by adultery?
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  Speaker 1: These are the hardest situations for us to handle. How
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  Speaker 1: can trust be rebuilt between these spouses? From your pastoral experience?
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  Speaker 1: What are some biblical realities and hopes that we could
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  Speaker 1: use to serve couples whose marriages are falling apart due
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  Speaker 1: to the devastation of infidelity.
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  Speaker 2: Two things about this question make me especially psychful, and
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  Speaker 2: it's not the pain of the adultery being addressed. First,
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  Speaker 2: it's that this couple has enough courage and compassion to
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  Speaker 2: lean in to other people's sorrow rather than leaning away,
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  Speaker 2: which is the easy thing to do. And second, they're
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  Speaker 2: not assuming that divorce is the right counsel. We live
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  Speaker 2: in a day where people are trying. It seems to
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  Speaker 2: me to see divorce as more legitimate rather than less legitimate,
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  Speaker 2: and I am thankful that's not the way this couple
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  Speaker 2: is leaning. Some would say that adultery has been committed
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  Speaker 2: and that's a pass for divorce. So there you go.
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  Speaker 2: Take your biblical pass and leave. I don't think adultery
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  Speaker 2: is a biblical pass for divorce. I think our council
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  Speaker 2: should always be to encourage the highest level of faithfulness.
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  Speaker 2: According to Jesus' words to Peter, when he asked, Lord,
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  Speaker 2: how often will my brother sin against me? And I
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  Speaker 2: forgive him as many as seven times? And Jesus said
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  Speaker 2: to him, I do not say you seven times, but
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  Speaker 2: seventy seven times, Matthew eighteen twenty one. Seventy seven is
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  Speaker 2: not meant to be a limit. It's meant to say
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  Speaker 2: more often than you think, Peter. And when Paul was
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  Speaker 2: asked his advice about Christians going to court against each other,
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  Speaker 2: he said, to have lawsuits at all with one another
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  Speaker 2: is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong?
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  Speaker 2: Why not rather be defrauded? One grinth in six or seven?
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  Speaker 2: And when God's wife Israel was unfaithful, the language of
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  Speaker 2: divorce in Jeremiah three and Isaiah fifty does not mean
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  Speaker 2: decisive divorce followed by God's remarriage. We know this because
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  Speaker 2: four verses lay her this so called divorce. In Jeremiah
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  Speaker 2: three to eight, God says to his estranged wife return
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  Speaker 2: faithless Israel, declares the Lord, I will not look on
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  Speaker 2: you in anger, for I am merciful, declares the Lord,
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  Speaker 2: I will not be angry forever. That's Jeremiah three twelve.
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  Speaker 2: And we know it because God says in Isaiah fifty four,
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  Speaker 2: verse five, the Lord has called you like a wife
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  Speaker 2: forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of
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  Speaker 2: one's youth when she is rejected, says your God. For
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  Speaker 2: a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion
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  Speaker 2: I will gather you. In fact, God has only ever
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  Speaker 2: had one wife, and the Book of Hooseiah is the
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  Speaker 2: most daring discreption of his faithfulness to his adulterous wife.
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  Speaker 2: God tells Hoseiah, go take yourself a wife of hoedom harlatry,
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  Speaker 2: and have children of horedom, for the land commits great
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  Speaker 2: horedom by forsaking the Lord Hoseiah one, verse two. So
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  Speaker 2: Joseiah represents God in marrying an unfaithful wife. And believe me,
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  Speaker 2: I have seen in my ministry, this book, this picture
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  Speaker 2: of Joseiah rescue couples in impossible situations who are this
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  Speaker 2: very day still faithful to each other years later. And
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  Speaker 2: what will be the outcome between God and his adulterous wife.
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  Speaker 2: Here's one glimpse of it in Hoseah to fourteen. Behold,
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  Speaker 2: I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness,
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  Speaker 2: and speak tenderly to her, and there I will give
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  Speaker 2: her her vineyards and make the valley of Acor a
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  Speaker 2: door of hope. And there she shall answer, as in
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  Speaker 2: the days of her youth, as at the time when
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  Speaker 2: she came out of the land of Egypt. So the
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  Speaker 2: whole point of God's history with Israel is that she
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  Speaker 2: was never deserving of his faithfulness to her, ever, but
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  Speaker 2: he would, eventually, with unspeakable long suffering, by the power
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  Speaker 2: of the New Covenant and the blood of Jesus, bring
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  Speaker 2: her to be the beautiful bride he deserves. That's the
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  Speaker 2: point of Ephesian's five husbands, love your wives. As Christ
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  Speaker 2: loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that
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  Speaker 2: he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing
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  Speaker 2: of water in the words, so that he might present
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  Speaker 2: the Church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle
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  Speaker 2: or any such thing, that she might be holy and
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  Speaker 2: without blemish. That is what God makes of his unfaithful
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  Speaker 2: wife by his long suffering and sacrifice. So, in answer
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  Speaker 2: to the question what are some biblical realities and hopes
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  Speaker 2: when ministering to a couple where there has been the
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  Speaker 2: unfaithfulness of adultery, I would say this, two miracles are
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  Speaker 2: required for the will of God to be done in
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  Speaker 2: the preservation and renewal of such a marriage. One miracle
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  Speaker 2: is forgiveness by the one who was wronged, and the
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  Speaker 2: other miracle is repentance and long suffering, long suffering and
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  Speaker 2: patience by the one who has committed adultery. Let's take
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  Speaker 2: these one at a time, and remember both are miracles.
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  Speaker 2: That is, they will seem in the moment of your counseling,
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  Speaker 2: and in the moment of their deepest darkness, they will
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  Speaker 2: seem impossible. They will say to you, that's not going
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  Speaker 2: to happen. That cannot happen for us, It's too late.
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  Speaker 2: So we need to be clear about how such a
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  Speaker 2: miracle happens Galatians three five. Does he who supplies the
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  Speaker 2: spirit to you and works miracles among you do so
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  Speaker 2: by works of law or hearing with faith? Galatians three five.
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  Speaker 2: The key to how the miracles happen is hearing with faith,
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  Speaker 2: that is, hearing the word of God and believing God
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  Speaker 2: that he can do the impossible. That's the channel through
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  Speaker 2: which the miracles that seems so impossible happened. The first
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  Speaker 2: miracle is forgiveness Ephesians five point thirty two. Forgive one
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  Speaker 2: another as God in Christ forgave you. Only by being overwhelmed,
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  Speaker 2: I mean stunned with our own forgiveness from Jesus at
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  Speaker 2: the cost of his infinitely valuable life. Will we be
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  Speaker 2: able to forgive such a horrible and painful betrayal as adultery.
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  Speaker 2: And this is exactly the way Jesus explained the miraculous
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  Speaker 2: psychological dynamics of forgiveness. In Matthew eighteen, a servant owed
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  Speaker 2: his king ten thousand talents, and the talent was worth
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  Speaker 2: twenty years wages. That's two hundred thousand years of wages.
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  Speaker 2: In other words, Jesus was saying, every husband and every
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  Speaker 2: wife who is Christian has been forgiven thousands of adulteries
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  Speaker 2: against God. Two hundred thousand years of wages means zillions
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  Speaker 2: and zillions of what we cannot pay back. All of
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  Speaker 2: that forgiven at the cost of the life of the
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  Speaker 2: Son of God, Oh God, help us, help us feel this.
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  Speaker 2: It will change us. And when the King discovers that
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  Speaker 2: the servant would not forgive his fellow servant, he said, you,
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  Speaker 2: wicked servant, I forgave you that debt two hundred thousand
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  Speaker 2: years of wages, in other words, an incalculable debt, thousands
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  Speaker 2: of times greater than anybody's ever done against you. I
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  Speaker 2: forgave you that because you pleaded with me. And should
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  Speaker 2: you not have had mercy on your fellow servant as
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  Speaker 2: I had mercy on you. So that's the first miracle
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  Speaker 2: that seems impossible for a marriage to survive and thrive again,
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  Speaker 2: It's a miracle. It's a miracle. Here's the second one,
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  Speaker 2: repentance and long suffering on the part of the one
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  Speaker 2: who has committed adultery. Repentance meaning a deep change of
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  Speaker 2: heart that hates the sin and turns toward utter faithfulness.
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  Speaker 2: For the long suffering that has to happen, he or
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  Speaker 2: she recognizes that receiving forgiveness is not the same as
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  Speaker 2: receiving trust, nor should it be. The rebuilding of trust
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  Speaker 2: requires a patient, humble, long suffering and endurance. Being forgiven
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  Speaker 2: is not a right to be demanded, but a gift
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  Speaker 2: of grace to be received with humility and thankfulness and
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  Speaker 2: tears and trust coming from the spouse who has been
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  Speaker 2: betrayed is not like a steak you drive in the
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  Speaker 2: ground and walk past. It's like an acorn you plant
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  Speaker 2: in the ground, and someday, God willing, it may be
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  Speaker 2: an unshakable oak tree of trust, but it will grow
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  Speaker 2: through tender stages, by patient protection and watering and nurturing,
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  Speaker 2: through storms that will threaten to kill the little sapling
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  Speaker 2: of trust. Both these miracles forgiveness and years of long
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  Speaker 2: suffering lived by faith in the promises of God. I'll
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  Speaker 2: never leave you. I'll never forsake you, either of you.
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  Speaker 2: That kind of promise all those years. That's the way
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  Speaker 2: the miracle will happen. I will strengthen you, I will
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  Speaker 2: help you, I will uphold you. I will not let
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  Speaker 2: anything befall you that I will not give you grace
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  Speaker 2: to endure. And I will make even the inevitable scars
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  Speaker 2: that will not go away you cannot remove, I will
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  Speaker 2: make them serve my grace. And I will keep you
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  Speaker 2: and bring you to your old age. One of my
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  Speaker 2: favorite images the both of you sitting across from each other,
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  Speaker 2: holding your wrinkled hands, and with tears and smiles saying
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  Speaker 2: we made it, We made it.
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  Speaker 1: As a deeply moving image to end this episode, I
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  Speaker 1: think Bestor John. Hard marriages are nothing new on the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: See the hard marriage section in the EPJA book to
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  Speaker 1: navigate all those episodes that are available for you right
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  Speaker 1: now in the archive, and to use those episodes with
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  Speaker 1: couples who are going through this same pain. To help
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  Speaker 1: me make good use of our episodes, I gathered those
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  Speaker 1: key episodes together and summarize them into one digest. In
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  Speaker 1: the Ask Pastor John book, a whole section just on
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  Speaker 1: this topic of hard marriages and divorce. You can see
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  Speaker 1: pages one eighty seven to two twenty one in that book.
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  Speaker 1: I pray it serves you as you seek to serve
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  Speaker 1: others who are in need, as they endure the pain
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  Speaker 1: of this sin, to find forgiveness and to reach that
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  Speaker 1: glorious day when they will hold a wrinkled hand and
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  Speaker 1: say we made it, we made it. Thank you, Pastor John.
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  Speaker 1: What a picture. I'm Tony Ranky. We'll see you back
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  Speaker 1: here on Monday.