Latest / Something to Say / Ep 03: "Speaking of Growth..."

Transcript

Ep 03: "Speaking of Growth..." · Something to Say

• 0:51
  Hello, everyone.
• 0:53
  I am back.
• 0:57
  I literally just had so much brewing in my brain for this episode, and it, I think it came from episode one, honestly.
• 1:06
  Episode one I started off talking about judgment, and then somewhere towards the end I was talking about friendship and relationships and things like that.
• 1:13
  And it inspired today's episode and thought process around the ever-changing nature of relationships and the, what that growth is and In friendship, in romantic relationships.
• 1:26
  But before I get into all that, I wanna talk a little bit about me and what's going on, my little timestamp of things, of what's happening right now.
• 1:34
  So today, actually at the time of recording it is July 1st, and this episode's coming out next week.
• 1:39
  The exciting things that happened, the Knicks won the NBA championship, and that's huge for me.
• 1:48
  I was born in Queens, grew up a Knicks fan thanks to my dad.
• 1:53
  A...
• 1:53
  Went to a lot of basketball games, me, my dad, and my brother.
• 1:57
  And watching them win, first of all, the joy in the city and the fact that I no longer live in that area and I missed it is one thing.
• 2:07
  But where I live in Texas...
• 2:10
  And the irony of also they played the San Antonio Spurs.
• 2:13
  San Antonio is in Texas, so of course, most of Texas was rooting for San Antonio.
• 2:20
  And I'm going around being like,"Let's go Knicks." But there are enough Knicks fans here I found the people.
• 2:26
  I found them everywhere, and it was its own level of joy.
• 2:31
  If you follow along on Instagram, I even was trying to be like,"Okay, I'm gonna wear Knicks gear every game and go to- sit at a different bar and see if either I'm gonna find another Knicks fan who's gonna engage with me and talk to me, or I'm gonna end up seeing or meeting a Spurs fan who may also engage with me and be like,'Oh, what are you doing?''Why are you a Knicks fan, and what are you doing in Texas?'" And seeing if, the possibility of a date came out of it or anything like that.
• 3:05
  Spoiler alert, it didn't really.
• 3:09
  I got asked out once.
• 3:11
  A guy at the bar close to me The guy was definitely drunk.
• 3:15
  But he was getting very flirty with me, and I was like,"Okay." And at the end...
• 3:20
  This was also game three, when the Knicks won in the last friggin' two minutes.
• 3:28
  It was crazy.
• 3:29
  And then but this guy didn't really ask me out.
• 3:33
  I think that's the other component.
• 3:34
  He was like, you should take my phone number." And I was like,"Oh, I think I'm okay, but thank you so much." So he didn't really ask me out.
• 3:47
  Also, he was, like, very drunk, so it wasn't really a great look altogether.
• 3:53
  And also, I don't wanna be taking anybody's number.
• 3:56
  I want someone to take my number I don't really wanna do the chasing.
• 4:02
  I want to be- chased.
• 4:06
  So it technically worked, even if not in the way that I would want it, but it technically worked.
• 4:12
  And then the last game, I actually watched with other Knicks fans in it was, like, a whole Knicks meetup.
• 4:20
  And it felt like I was in New York for a second, because everybody there was, like, an, is a New Yorker or rooting for the Knicks, and it was so awesome.
• 4:30
  And there was a guy that was, again, eventually he got very flirty with me, hand around my waist and all this other stuff.
• 4:38
  Told me that I had a nice smile and it was just nice as a single girl to be noticed in a room full of people staring at the TV screens.
• 4:49
  That was what I learned from this is that not enough people would be paying attention to the other people around.
• 4:58
  They are most likely also watching the game.
• 5:02
  But anyway the joy in New York the fun of, a- and joy of the Knicks.
• 5:07
  When the Knicks won, I called and texted my brother, but he was busy celebrating, as he should.
• 5:16
  Because he's actually really properly a Knicks fan and a basketball fan, whereas I have always just been like,"I'm watching the game.
• 5:23
  I love the game.
• 5:24
  Cool." But I called my dad.
• 5:27
  I called my dad and was like,"We won.
• 5:31
  We won." And and it was just a really nice moment with my dad, especially because...
• 5:39
  the relationship with my dad has always been rocky, and it was a, it was, like, a really nice moment thinking about, like- how I grew up a Knicks fan because of him, and then I also think he appreciated the fact that then I called him to be, like, our team one.
• 6:00
  And and then also it was, like, around Father's Day, so I think I got a little, like, all the sentiments all came together, and it was really nice.
• 6:09
  So that's cool.
• 6:10
  S- and then another funny thing that's happened, so in episode one I also talked about the JP Morgan guy, Charayurana, or Chichi, and he, aside from that, there was a woman, also from JP Morgan, who grabbed one of the Knicks theme trash bins from the parade, and I was like,"What is going on with JP Morgan?
• 6:35
  My God." So I don't know.
• 6:37
  That was just funny, and that's just a thing that's now historically happened in this timeline.
• 6:43
  But but yeah.
• 6:44
  And then today being July 1st, honestly, before I started recording, I was, like, in my phone reading about this couple that climbed to the top of the Empire State Building to wave this banner or flag talking about love wins only when we stop loving...
• 7:08
  I forget what it said, sorry.
• 7:10
  Only when we stop loving power.
• 7:12
  Oh, the power of love wins when we stop loving power and something whatever which is a beautiful sentiment.
• 7:18
  And then the guy proposed.
• 7:21
  And when I say top of the Empire State Building if you don't know this yet, which I'm sure by the time this comes out you already know about this story, but it wasn't just simply just top of the, top of the building where the view is and you get to see out into New York City.
• 7:34
  It was, like, the tippity top-top of the s- the- Whatever the wiring and all this other stuff, like they climbed without climbing equipment.
• 7:48
  Like they just physically climbed up all the way to the very, very tip-top point, literal point of the entire Empire State Building waved this flag, and then on the way down at one particular platform, still at the top of the building the guy proposed, and like man, oh, man, does that really set a new bar.
• 8:11
  Like yikes.
• 8:14
  But still, like good for them.
• 8:16
  That's very cute.
• 8:17
  So that's kind of stuff that's just been happening in my world, or not my world I guess, in the world, that sticks in my brain in terms of like historical timestamps.
• 8:35
  I am also...
• 8:37
  I guess in my world something that I'm excited for is that I'm going salsa dancing tonight after a long time.
• 8:44
  It is for a friend's birthday, but then the friend this morning canceled, saying that she's not feeling well.
• 8:52
  But I have been thinking about salsa dancing a lot, because I used to go salsa dancing like every week.
• 8:59
  In fact, I'm gonna talk about someone in this episode, later in this episode, who I met salsa dancing, and that was a wonderful time.
• 9:09
  But I really just genuinely loved salsa dancing and going to salsa socials, and then I stopped because they stopped having them close to my apartment, so I just was like,"I don't really feel like driving out to this." So that's the only reason I stopped.
• 9:24
  But even though the friend canceled her birthday thing, she was like,"I still encourage everyone to go if they, if you're able to." And I'm still gonna go, because it's something that I was thinking about a lot, saying that I think it's a really...
• 9:35
  I think it would be really good for me in terms of the fun of it, the joy of it, and then also you never know if you'll meet someone.
• 9:43
  So I might as well keep putting my- thi- just keep going out and having fun and doing what I would like to do, and seeing what that brings into my life.
• 9:51
  So I'm gonna go.
• 9:52
  And I'm excited,'cause it's been a while.
• 9:54
  It's salsa bachata.
• 9:55
  It's been a while since I've done either.
• 9:57
  I think it's been over a year.
• 9:59
  I think the last time I went was my birthday last year, and then, and like thought I would go some more, and then just never really made time for it.
• 10:08
  So I'm excited.
• 10:10
  Hopefully it all comes back to me like riding a bike.
• 10:15
  But- There's that, that, th- that's it on that.
• 10:20
  Yeah, I've been trying to work out more.
• 10:23
  I am back at the gym.
• 10:26
  I did do leg day yesterday and then I was like,"Oh, I'm doing leg day the day before salsa dancing." I am sore, so we'll see how that goes.
• 10:35
  But I'm glad that even though sometimes it's hard when I get to the gym and I'm like,"I don't wanna be here and I don't wanna do this," I, even if I do it, quote, lazy, I still do it and that's better than nothing is what has i- ingrained in me.
• 10:55
  I've if anybody's ever heard of the Boss Body Revolution or BBR it's a wonderful organization that I was a part of for a little bit and I continue to follow the group and the trainers and all that.
• 11:07
  They're really great about accommodating cultural meals into your diet and helping you learn about nutrition.
• 11:13
  And shout out to D Gautam who always posts about how it, it doesn't have to be 100% every day.
• 11:18
  You don't have to...
• 11:19
  Like even something, some sort of focus every day, whether it's like the water, the nutrition or the workout of it or the movement, is better than nothing and it can have longer term effects.
• 11:36
  So that was in my brain where I was like, you know what?
• 11:39
  Just, even if maybe I don't do it at the top tier that I know I can do it at, doing it at some tier is still really good.
• 11:49
  And I even at first I was like,"Ugh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna do this and that." By the time I left I was like,"My legs are sore.
• 11:56
  This is gonna hurt tomorrow." And they do.
• 11:59
  So that's my little moment on my soapbox there.
• 12:03
  But going into the episode I definitely wanted to talk about the ever-changing nature of relationships, whether it's with your parents, romantic, friendship with yourself, just ever-changing growth and growth doesn't just stop at a particular point.
• 12:28
  Hopefully we're always growing and that you are not the same per- like I'm 35 and I'm like I don't wanna be the same person that I was at 25.
• 12:36
  Maybe health-wise the bounce back and, handling things physically like, yes, I would probably like that better health-wise, but I don't, I like being the age and the person that I am today because of what I know and how I've grown to become this person.
• 12:54
  I don't want to be that person that I was 10 years ago, five years ago, two years ago.
• 13:02
  Because that person doesn't know, that person, that version of me doesn't know what I know today and how I can be the best version of myself today, especially if I like myself today.
• 13:14
  Yeah, as someone who has always felt like the person who is the odd man out or left behind if you can relate, then this one's definitely for you.
• 13:27
  And I will mention that while I can't necessarily speak to romantic growth too much and how it affects other friends my producer and dear friend Zaynah can, and she has, We've got a little bit with her towards the end of the episode.
• 13:48
  So I am gonna start off by talking about just simply friendship and what that's been like for me in a few different ways.
• 14:03
  There are times I have felt like too much in the friendship.
• 14:09
  Like I know I have a whole group of friends that still give me a bit of PTSD for feeling like I am too much with my feelings or too passionate, and it's been quite a few times that I've felt like the odd one out for one reason or another.
• 14:25
  In this particular group that I'm thinking of, like the only size medium amongst smalls, the only one who feels strongly about the decisions taken for a group or for the whole group the only one still single.
• 14:41
  And then like the occasional"Oh, don't be like that," or,"It's not like that, don't take it personal," like those words being said to me still still bother me.
• 14:53
  If it comes from somebody from that group or I- honestly, like the real feeling is that like I fear that someone from that group will still say that to me today even though it's been like...
• 15:04
  Like we've known each other for years, and we've all grown and changed and have new priorities da.
• 15:08
  But it is sometimes a thing that I still get caught in my head about whenever I talk to or know that I'm gonna see that group, is that I hope that they don't think that I'm taking things too personal I don't like that feeling.
• 15:26
  It makes it tough to feel like your whole self 100% of the time with a group of friends who are supposed to, just be your people.
• 15:36
  You feel like you have all these connections and tie-ins, and for the sake of nostalgia, you don't wanna let it go.
• 15:43
  A- at least not entirely.
• 15:44
  And my therapist helped me validate...
• 15:47
  that's the whole reason we...
• 15:49
  not the whole reason, but like we grow and change That's an aid in your growth and development, right?
• 15:54
  But my therapist did help me validate that it's okay to feel both things, that maybe the group doesn't deserve my depth of admiration and how I like to love and give.
• 16:08
  But also, loving them from afar is enough.
• 16:12
  I still want them to be happy whether or not I'm involved in their day-to-day, and I would like to think that they still, are happy for me even if they're not involved in the direct celebration of that, It's totally natural for life and priorities to change friendships, and that it's also okay to realize later that maybe the friendship wasn't everything I deserved, but that good memories with those people are still entirely valid.
• 16:42
  I would think that it's the same way of like even if you break up with someone on amicable terms, that you're like the, the good times, the good memories, the good experiences that you had with this person don't immediately necessarily get erased.
• 16:56
  Like they still exist, and there was still a reason that you love and care for that person, even if the end-all be-all is not enough.
• 17:04
  So same thing in that situation where it's like with friends of we had great times, but you know what?
• 17:12
  I, I wouldn't want someone else to feel like they can't be themselves around me, and so therefore why do I allow it to affect me if I can't be myself around a particular group of friends, or it feels unfair to myself?
• 17:27
  And then the right friends have stayed in my life, and we've navigated through tough times.
• 17:34
  And even if I am being, quote,"too much," they are able to recognize that"Okay she's having a moment," or,"She's having big feelings, and she needs to get it out." And we talk and listen and are able to be honest about what's helping.
• 17:51
  And growth and maturity really plays a helpful part in all of that.
• 17:56
  Some childhood friends have been able to keep up and we've all had different growth timelines also.
• 18:02
  Like that emotional quotient, that EQ re-revelation has happened to different friends at different points in the group.
• 18:10
  And Despite the difference in that timeline of that growth, it still has given us the opportunity or allowed us to talk to each other and say things like,"Hey, I didn't understand it before, but now I'm going through something that reminds me of what you had talked about, in terms of X, Y, Z, and so I get it now.
• 18:34
  And I'm sorry I didn't get it then." And with newer friends you make as a fully independent adult who have, who's already put in the work like with other friends, you're able to be there in a different way, or you're able to select those friends and understand how they can be there for you in a way that's helpful.
• 18:54
  You have that vocabulary.
• 18:56
  If you're worried about making friends as an adult, if there's anybody out there, i'm here to tell you that making friends as an adult is the best.
• 19:03
  Or, like, when I say as an adult, late 20s, early 30s.
• 19:07
  I'm in my mid-30s now.
• 19:09
  Yeah, it's tough.
• 19:10
  It takes effort.
• 19:11
  It's dating, but when you find those people whose maturity or even immaturity match your level, like maybe those immature jokes or whatever it will be easy.
• 19:22
  It makes it easy.
• 19:23
  It's again, it's the same thing like dating.
• 19:25
  Like, when you find that person that just it clicks and makes sense, it just will make sense.
• 19:32
  They will just become your people so fast.
• 19:34
  You will literally find yourself quoting Step Brothers and being like,"Did we just become best friends?
• 19:41
  Yep." And it's just because of something as simple as they showed up to help you move even though you met them three months ago.
• 19:48
  True story, actually.
• 19:50
  Actually happened to me.
• 19:51
  I was like,"That's crazy nice.
• 19:53
  Thank you for helping me move.
• 19:54
  I haven't known you that long." But when it's, when it's the, with the right type of people, they will stick around.
• 20:03
  Case in point, Sex and the City-wise, literally the four, core four girls, right?
• 20:11
  Like Carrie is the, C- Carrie is obviously a lot, and we know that because she's the main character.
• 20:18
  We follow her through every bit of emotion in the series.
• 20:22
  But also Samantha's a handful.
• 20:24
  Sometimes Miranda's too much.
• 20:27
  Sometimes Charlotte is too much.
• 20:29
  But literally the whole series balances out, series, movies, whatever, it all balances each other out of, like, how they can be there for each other, and everyone will have different reas- reactions and responses to what someone's feeling, or they'll all band together and be like,"Yeah, hey you have to stop talking about Big'cause it's annoying." There's one episode that I was recently watching where it was, like, about the Big breakup for the whatever, second or third time or whatever it was, and she was like,"Why do I..." They were like,"You need a therapist." And she was like,"Why do I n- need a therapist?
• 21:08
  I have you guys, my friends." W- while I do believe in leaning on your friends for support, I do not believe in using your friends as a therapy-adjacent crutch, There's an episode where Carrie's wild friend, Laney, is no longer the wild friend.
• 21:25
  She's married, had a ki- like, they, all the girls go to Long Island, I think Long Island where she's living for her baby shower.
• 21:35
  And they're like,"She was, like, in the music world and was, like, sleep always taking her clothes off at all these parties'cause she was so wild," blah, blah, blah.
• 21:43
  And that now she's got all these mom friends and even when she wants to come back out to hang out with the girls in the city and she's"Who wants to see me take my top off?" She's not able to bring herself to do it.
• 21:55
  Also people just change, and that's okay.
• 21:59
  We can give those people grace.
• 22:01
  We can give those friends that grace and understand that things have changed.
• 22:05
  There's another episode where Carrie and the girls go to a birthday, like a kid's birthday party for an old friend.
• 22:12
  And someone ends up taking her shoes, like her expensive shoes that she paid$500 for.
• 22:19
  And so she's looking for her shoes and her friend's"Take these sneakers." And she comes back and she's"Hey, did you find my shoes?" She's"No, they didn't come up, but let me just pay you for it.
• 22:28
  I'm sorry that happened." And when she says she, she spent$500 on them the friend was like,"That's crazy.
• 22:34
  Why would you do that?" And she's"You used to buy these shoes also." You know how much they cost because then the friend's"I'm not gonna give you that much money for it." And it can be uncomfortable, but everyone's priorities change, and their thought processes around what does feel more important to them will change, and it's okay because everyone's allowed to change.
• 22:57
  You will change, too.
• 22:59
  The point of this of this episode is that everyone's gonna change at some point.
• 23:03
  It's gonna be at different places.
• 23:05
  But that effort that you put in with other friends is what's is what's important there.
• 23:12
  Moving on to relationship with parents.
• 23:16
  I mentioned earlier about my dad that we are very similar in nature, and I think I have learned also with time that we are not the only father-daughter dynamic that butts heads.
• 23:34
  I have a lot of friends and their dads, that have also not gotten along and, but have a better relationship now and all this stuff.
• 23:42
  So I have even also told my dad, I'm like,"We are not the only ones-" who are f- are fighting about certain things.
• 23:51
  We are not a unique case.
• 23:53
  But with my parents, it definitely took time and space apart for me to properly appreciate them.
• 24:02
  I think my own maturity and growth as an independent person that was raised by them, right?
• 24:09
  That's a result of their upbringing, helped me understand them better, and I've also reflected on how my past behavior could've been really disrespectful or misunderstood, and I'm just glad I have the vocabulary to explain myself better now, and the patience to not react to something that they may not understand, that I can just stop and take a deep breath and be like,"If that's how they're gonna think about it, just let them." That I don't need to correct every moment at least not so aggressively or, quote,"as passionately" as I used to before.
• 24:51
  It can just be a thing that it's like,"Okay, we're gonna have our difference of opinion," and as long as it's not directly trampling on my belief or my way of life or stopping me in any way or whatever I'm just gonna let it go.
• 25:13
  If you have parents whose views and beliefs do trample on your way of life and all that, I...
• 25:19
  my heart goes out to you.
• 25:21
  I don't know if I have...
• 25:25
  If I don't particularly have s- something to say towards that, but what I can say is that space is something that has really helped me.
• 25:34
  'Cause it really took ti- It really took me leaving home and building a life for myself as an independent person to get to that place where...
• 25:45
  I left my parents' house when I was 28.
• 25:48
  But before, I would find moments to run away, and I don't...
• 25:54
  both literally and figuratively w- run away, where I would literally decide to stay at a friend's place.
• 25:59
  Or I had a job where I was traveling a lot, and I would try to s- I would extend the work trip by extra days just because I was like,"I really don't wanna go home.
• 26:10
  I really don't wanna go back home to that life." I've also done the thing where I've gotten a cheap hotel room on a random night through Groupon just to get away, just to have time away from being at home.
• 26:25
  In my early 20s I was for sure arguing a lot with my parents.
• 26:31
  Again, very passionately correcting a thought, like a misguided thought or whatev- just a lot of me trying to figure out what I wanted and needed for myself while trying to stick to expectations and traditional, messages or practices.
• 26:50
  I think with our growth as a Desi American, a culturally Indian American person.
• 27:01
  Like as a person with Indian values but also American ideas and ideals.
• 27:06
  With that growth, our parents do try their best, and if, like me, you have immigrant or boomer parents then know that they have left behind a country and ideals that they had hoped to imbue us with.
• 27:24
  And while they probably did make an impact it can be hard to learn that the country that they left behind has vastly changed with time and without them.
• 27:34
  Sometimes it'll just be that they think because you're in America, or wherever you are that because they're in this other country, that's why you think this way and that way.
• 27:45
  But it, it could just, it is highly likely that they are still thinking of things from a time that they are used to and from a country that they know where they would assume that when we go back to that country, things are gonna be the way that I remember them to be in terms of safety or thought process or ideals or whatever, and so you have to do what I say because I know the country.
• 28:11
  When in reality, if you are a child of immigrant parents, whatever the country may be, if you go back to that country, and then all of a sudden you're like why am I the only one in cultural clothes and everyone else is in jeans?" Kind of scenario where you're like, This isn't what you said it was.
• 28:28
  This is actually...
• 28:29
  I could fit in here." It's, it- That kind of I don't wanna call it break in reality, but I think that, that reality hitting or that washing over is just oh, okay.
• 28:41
  That gives, that perspective gives a little bit more room for, oh, okay, you're just trying to figure it out as well.
• 28:51
  In terms of that's what our parents are just trying to do, that they're just trying to figure it out as well, and that maybe they didn't think about it that way either, that"Oh, things were gonna change after I left." But anyway, when I moved away, I was able to focus on who I am and want to be, and how much of that came from what they taught me and what is just my perspective.
• 29:16
  If you're struggling at home with your parents, I do suggest this as a really great journaling prompt or activity for yourself.
• 29:23
  It can be really hard.
• 29:25
  The first few times I journaled I had to write about myself as an assignment from my therapist, and I...
• 29:33
  It was very...
• 29:34
  I was very uncomfortable.
• 29:36
  But the more you do it the more you get used to it.
• 29:40
  It's like going to the gym.
• 29:42
  You see how we're connecting things back today?
• 29:44
  It's like going to the gym.
• 29:46
  You just eventually just get used to it and and that workout.
• 29:51
  Since becoming a whole independent and responsible person, I was able to appreciate how I was brought up and also genuinely appreciate my parents and what they've instilled in me.
• 30:05
  Like everything else I say that I also say that since they encouraged me to be an independent and self-sufficient woman, s- some of the other traits are a direct reflection of that.
• 30:17
  So partial credit there as well to them.
• 30:19
  It's one of those things where moving away caused me to think back and say,"I'm glad that my dad taught me X, and I'm glad that I have such qualities that are from my mom." Because without those qualities, I would not be able to put furniture together or something like that.
• 30:42
  Or like I have learned to be cautious in a way that maybe seemed a little overprotective of my mom, but, from my mom, but in my brain I'm like at least I'm cautious enough to trust my gut and my instinct there." And I would rather be cautious than be too carefree and potentially get myself into some trouble.
• 31:02
  So I'm talking things like that, and that, that thought process there can be, I think can be really helpful when trying to figure out who you are as an individual and what that growth is like and where it's come from and where you'd like for that growth to go.
• 31:24
  Speaking of growth I'm gonna get to romantic growth now.
• 31:28
  So I've talked about it somewhere on Instagram a few years ago now, but it's always worth repeating that I had a huge awakening a few years ago on what is, quote,"wrong with me." From my research, I believe it to be a quantum leap where I had this huge jolt of awareness, answers, and solutions that have never been so obvious before, that it's like this level up evolution of myself.
• 32:02
  Literally, I felt it deep within me, and I remember journaling about that as well, like something has changed within me.
• 32:11
  Isn't that a Wicked line?
• 32:12
  Yes.
• 32:13
  I think so.
• 32:14
  But literally, I was like,"Something's changed deep down.
• 32:18
  I don't know...
• 32:19
  I cannot explain it." But it just is just like I am different now.
• 32:25
  I'm different than who I was a couple of years ago, and that's why I say I don't wanna go back to who I was before'cause the person that I am today knows more.
• 32:33
  And so I would rather be me here today with all this awareness and all this growth.
• 32:40
  But the story is that I had been casually seeing a younger guy, eight years younger than me.
• 32:47
  He's the guy that I met at salsa.
• 32:49
  And somehow he got me to bring down my wall, and I say somehow because I wasn't aware that it was happening until later, until after, until the end.
• 33:01
  And I really did try to keep my wall up.
• 33:07
  I was, like, avoiding him beyond what I wanted.
• 33:13
  I was getting what I wanted out of it, and then I would just make excuses and pretty much keep him at arm's length, which was what I was used to doing with men, is that I'd be like,"No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna use you for one reason, and then there's no need for us to get any closer.
• 33:32
  What are you doing?" I would even tell some guys, I'd be like, you don't have to call me just to chitchat.
• 33:38
  You don't...
• 33:39
  That's...
• 33:39
  We don't have to do that." Even though I tried that with him, and by trying that I was just so used to it, that was just my pattern.
• 33:47
  I was so used to just being that way, and one day he finally called me out.
• 33:52
  It wasn't necessarily a call-out, but what he said was, like,"You're always just so busy.
• 33:59
  I wanna actually take you out on proper dates.
• 34:01
  I want to date you." And it just caught me off guard and I felt called out.
• 34:11
  That, oh I didn't know that you wanting to do these other things with me didn't necessarily mean that you were, like, quote,"falling in love" with me,'cause I was like whoa, buddy."'Cause w- I just, we just had ended up talking about the timeline of things and our age and it just...
• 34:29
  We want the same things in different timelines.
• 34:31
  So it caught me off guard, and the next thing you know, our romantic dinner date that was, fully planned by him, included flowers and him dressing up the way that I thought he looked sexiest it was ending with us at his apartment watching DDLJ, the Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, a Bollywood movie cuddled up on the couch.
• 34:57
  And it was because he said,"What's your favorite Bollywood movie?
• 35:00
  I'd love to know." And that particular year, I was going to Switzerland with my family on a trip, and so I was like,"Oh my God, I've been meaning to watch DDLJ because so many places in Switzerland," da.
• 35:10
  And it was very, it was some boyfriend-type shit with a guy that's not supposed to be my boyfriend.
• 35:17
  And I say that because I couldn't remember the last time I was literally curled up in someone's arms on the couch just casually watching TV and things like that.
• 35:29
  And the last time I could remember doing that was with a boyfriend, and I hadn't had a boyfriend in a decade.
• 35:37
  Yes, let that sink in for a second.
• 35:39
  I hadn't had a boyfriend in 10 years just'cause I was, like, dating here and there, but nothing ever stuck, and I think some of that had to just do with...
• 35:47
  Actually, I think all of that had to just do with me and what I was, like, trying to deal with after that relationship, it really crashed and burned.
• 35:56
  So I had all this baggage.
• 35:58
  And then in my pursuit of trying to find something, I w- had walls and all this other stuff.
• 36:04
  So I hadn't felt that soft and, like- Feminine in a very long time.
• 36:13
  So that's why I say I tried to keep those walls up, but all of a sudden those walls were coming down because he was making that space for it.
• 36:20
  And so when things ended, I don't wanna call it heartbreak, but my heart felt raw.
• 36:27
  I hadn't been soft and girly in such a long time, so when that contributing factor was disappearing or that was coming to an end, I was very sad and I felt very vulnerable, and that's how I felt that that thing within me just change.
• 36:44
  I was like,"Something is different about how I'm feeling about this and how I'm seeing myself, how I'm seeing what I want." Because his masculine energy of service and care and providing me with a comfortable space allowed me to be so soft and feminine, which I would also translate into cuddly and giggly.
• 37:10
  Which as a very fiercely independent woman I was so used to just to not being that way with, especially with a man, that when quote a real man like that came around and I was able to just be feminine, it really opened my eyes and helped me realize what I actually do want in a relationship, and what I had to fix within myself to, to get those things.
• 37:36
  And it changed how I saw dating, it changed how I saw myself, it changed how I saw men, and the entire pursuit of what I wanted, and what I felt that I deserve.
• 37:49
  So that growth really stuck with me.
• 37:52
  And if you don't believe in casual dating, I'm here to tell you that you should.
• 37:58
  I think everyone can only benefit from it.
• 38:02
  You can learn so much about yourself and what you want and need for yourself, and how you can navigate those more and more, better and better with each date of,"Hey, it turns out I don't like this," or"Actually, this thing that I said that I wouldn't be able to tolerate or wouldn't like, turns out it's not that bad.
• 38:24
  Maybe it's not my favorite, but I could deal with it.
• 38:26
  So maybe it's not as much of a deal-breaker as I thought." That's my two cents on that.
• 38:31
  And finally I speak to the other side of romantic relationships and the friendships that can change because of your other, the other romantic relationships, like out there.
• 38:43
  Because a lot of my friends are married like nearly all of them.
• 38:46
  I have a handful of people in my life who are not romantically linked to anyone.
• 38:52
  Like literally probably could count them on one hand, which I have not tried, but that's probably I could.
• 38:58
  I don't necessarily even see the non-married friends any more or less than I see the married ones.
• 39:09
  So geography obviously plays a part.
• 39:12
  I've got friends in- that live in different places, and I have come to understand and accept that you will either continue to remain on someone's list, or you will fall off the list, and not necessarily on purpose, not necessarily with any malice, and not meaning that you would fall off the list forever.
• 39:33
  You you could get back on the list somehow.
• 39:36
  But it's priorities per person keep changing, and it could be that they keep mounting and taking a new spot on the list till you're not able to fit on that list anymore as much as they might want to keep you on the list or don't even think about the fact that you keep falling off.
• 39:54
  I was once told by a friend that I wasn't paying attention- enough attention to them and what they were going through because they had become really quiet, and I apologized and told them that"Yeah, I didn't notice.
• 40:09
  I'm sorry, I didn't notice.
• 40:11
  I had a lot of my own things going on, and I can try to do better." We ended up taking a break from the whole friendship to reassess the importance that we had had in one another.
• 40:23
  That if I cannot be there for her the way that she needs, then I shouldn't be taking the number one spot on the list.
• 40:31
  Like I'm honored I'm proud to carry that title, but if it's hurting her, and it's not fair to her, then I still want her to be happy.
• 40:42
  So I can u- understand the other way around as well, where if I'm holding someone in my top 10, and it's...
• 40:51
  but to them, they have a completely different situation going on.
• 40:55
  It's just the nature of things, and it doesn't necessarily mean any malice, any negativity towards each other.
• 41:02
  And I feel like if it, if there's a negative thing, like you'll know, right?
• 41:06
  If it's, if it's- Poorly intended, whatever.
• 41:09
  It- you would know.
• 41:10
  When I was in like mid to late 20s, ev- everyone around me is getting engaged, married, and all that other stuff.
• 41:18
  I had to step away from social media because I was seeing it everywhere.
• 41:22
  I have done it multiple times, actually, where I had to step away from Facebook before I had an Instagram.
• 41:28
  And then even from Instagram, I was like, I had to step away.
• 41:31
  In fact, I don't even use my personal Instagram anymore because seeing my friends' lives only through that I've started to realize that was not very helpful for my mental health.
• 41:41
  But I have done it for Instagram as well, where I just had to step away from social media'cause it was driving me insane to see everyone else get to a place that I wasn't at.
• 41:56
  And it's more to protect myself, and it's not personal towards them and their happiness or anybody, even whether they're my direct friend or a friend of a friend or whatever.
• 42:10
  It's not that their happiness means anything less to me.
• 42:13
  It's just that there's this Yvette Nicole Brown quote that I love to repeat and tell everyone about, and it's,"I'm happy for you and sad for me." So it's just I'm happy for all these people, but I'm sad for myself because it's a reflect- it's a mirror, it's a reflection of what I wish I had and that I don't.
• 42:31
  And so it can be a little, I could be sad for myself, but that doesn't mean that I'm not happy for the person that it's happening to.
• 42:39
  I just need some time to acknowledge my feelings and know where it's coming from.
• 42:45
  Those friendships can be tough, so throw in kids and it gets even tougher.
• 42:49
  But I know I've tried to strike a balance between trying to stay in touch, learning when I might have fallen off someone's list, and just being okay with it and not allowing it to...
• 43:01
  Not trying not to take it personally that it just happens.
• 43:05
  And my dear friend, longtime friend Zaynah, and producer of Something To Say, has some sentiments to actually share from her side as a married woman with children, and how she has also faced a struggle where friends don't wanna be around her anymore I hope this brought some folks comfort.
• 48:35
  You are not too much, you're simply more, and the right people will make space for you.
• 48:40
  And if you don't make space for them, I hope you have the kind of friends that are able to bring it up to you, I believe a relationship with parents can only get easier with time.
• 48:49
  At least, I know my patience with my parents is at a much better place than it was before.
• 48:55
  We're not perfect all the time, but sometimes family is just messy, but the love is always there.
• 49:02
  With dating, you never know who will be able to teach you about yourself.
• 49:06
  I literally learned to stop being such a man-hater, and I know that I'm better off for it.
• 49:13
  With friends who grow ahead of you, give it a chance.
• 49:18
  You never know what will happen with time.
• 49:20
  We all have different priorities and streams of things that we go through, and grace has a place.
• 49:28
  If you needed to hear some of this, I'm glad to be a source.
• 49:32
  While the topic was not as strong in the fight against going against the grain of society, it does come from the perspective of a woman who has combated a lot of these feelings in a variety of ways, feeling like the only person going in the opposite direction when everyone else is upstream.
• 49:54
  I hope that all I had to say was helpful.
• 49:58
  Have a lovely day, and we'll chat again soon.