Latest / Dits & Dahs / the joy of knowing it's just another day
Transcript
- Sue: I'm experiencing the first moments of the mourning and grief I felt shortly after my husband died four and a half years ago. Through the current situation of a family member who's just become a widow in the last week. And in some cases the situations for both spouses were the same in that they had health problems that were attended to on a long term basis, and that when the death came it was actually a relief to the survivor. You don't realize how stressful a care situation will have become when it's taken on as a labor of love while you're in it, and when all of a sudden you have the moment to stop, you more fully appreciate just how much you were able to do as one person, and that it's time to physically rest for a bit. It's also the opportunity f for me to share a few of my personal tidbits with this family member of you can look forward to X, Y, and Z over the next year. Not that I wish to spoil the surprise of her experiencing it firsthand, but I do know that having some foresight of this will allow her to anticipate that situation and it might not happen. In my case, one my husband died, Gareth, I had already experienced through the death of a boss about twenty years earlier, what it is to be the bearer of the news regarding the person's death and to receive the grief of those that are receiving the news and to be overlooked for what you are currently going through grief wise. And knowing that that's part of the journey. At that moment, it's not your time to share your grief. It's to receive it of others and help them process it. And know that you have eternity to process your personal grief of your spouse. ⁓ that's how you view it anyway. You you sort of willingly put it off to the side explain Exchange for getting through those moments that are emotionally stressful. Stressful in that they are added to what you're already experiencing physically, which is just your body crying out all of that stress in a physical way. It's not that you're triggered with each and every sentiment that's shared with you, but it is nonetheless a physical purging of all of that stress that you've held in or endured during the Caretaking of that individu individual's last days. I recall initially feeling a sense of relief, almost happiness, that I no longer had to put through the physical caretaking. Everybody's situation is different, but I think we all share that on some level. And that given that everybody else on the outside is expressing their grief, may be viewing your glee and happiness as out of place and disrespectful and You get to a place where all of a sudden you're experiencing these vibes coming into you and when you're in you're alone, you're wondering, Did I do enough? Survivor's guilt. And you have to reassure yourself, well of course you did. And then you're looking for that validation from the outside parties that knew your spouse and you're kind of anticipating the time when they come round to that and share that as a sight of being seen. And then you in my case, realize that in the meantime you gotta live your life. It may not ever be Ever be seen by those around you that you in fact did all that you could do as the spouse. So don't hang your hat on waiting for that to come to fruition in your life. Because otherwise you're not focused on what the real life is, which is surviving and hopefully thriving at some point. So to have the opportunity to share some of those sentiments with my family member is reassuring. Because immediately I'm seeing her. That is one of the most beautiful gifts that you can share with somebody. regardless of the situation that draws your attention to that person. But to be seen by a as having done enough that's a beautiful thing. And for those who are a third party to seeing that, what they get to see is something that then if they were ever in the future in the position of having to make decisions with end of life care for a loved one, they may be guided based on seeing Observing my experience or another family member experience of to make more informed choices. As the widow of someone who had a lengthy illness, I'm grateful that at the end days of my husband's life he was in medical care. If nothing else, it cuts down on the amount of visitors and traffic in and out of your life at a time when you are experiencing one of the most emotionally vulnerable experiences of your life. That you're able to retain control over the circumstances temporarily to help guide you through it. Because after all, it's your grief first and foremost as the surviving spouse. Nobody else is living that life except you. It is your choice how you choose to go through it. And that by see by being seen by somebody else who has gone through a similar situation, it just puts things at ease with your mind. And then it also shows how much of a people pleaser you are or were. Confirmation with a siren, as well as what kind of people pleasers you're around. And when we clarify people pleasers, I'm talking about people who f on various levels are codependent on that deceased one's existence. Even if only emotionally. May not seem like a big deal. What it does do is help set the mind into a calmer, more peaceful place of not having to be distracted with those kind of anxieties when they need not have a place and allow you then to focus on your mental health. Your spiritual health. Your physical health. And everybody's path deviates. But what you also get to see is the the depth of what other family funereal traditions and rituals are that will become apparent when they send their condolences to you. This is the time to understand that people will show themselves for who they are, and they may not serve you in your world now as a widow or widower. And that's okay. See them for what they are. Because, like myself, there are other people out there who do agree with your way and share your value. In the end, it's just another day. And when you adopt that mindset, not out of frivolity or unimportance, it's it's about understanding that your view isn't everybody else's view. You might share it with others, but for the most part, you are just figuring things out as you go. And to be around those who are supporting that is the way to go. Those that don't support it, drop ⁓ off. Silently. No need to Tell them explicitly. Just gravitate to those that do support you and that's the end of it. After all, just another day is the gift of having air in your lungs. Thank you for sharing your energy with me today. Yeah, it is just another day, but our connection is making it special. I appreciate you.