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221. Why Your Manifestation After Divorce Isn’t Working (and How to Fix It) · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: If you've been trying to manifest your best post-divorce life by being a good person and getting everything right, you might actually be blocking the very life you're trying to call in.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Hi love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: If you were watching my instagram stories, you know I've been sort of on this about where I see women getting it quote unquote wrong with regards to manifestation.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Right, when I took the instagram poll in my stories and asked people do they relate more to being good and doing good or feeling good when it comes to manifesting, I think something like 80 something percent of people said they try to do good and be good when they're working on their manifestation.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: So I knew I had to record this podcast episode, right?
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: So in today's episode, we are going to talk about the good girl trap, where I have just seen that most women I work with are focused on doing it perfectly Vision boards, affirmations being positive 24-7, but that perfectionism is actually rooted in fear and not faith.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about why chasing good is keeping you stuck.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: And then, later on, we are going to talk about the feel good paradox, because there's a truth that most people won't tell you you don't manifest from your to-do list.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: You manifest from your emotional frequency or vibration, and if you're constantly stressed about getting it right, your energy is actually out of alignment with what you're desiring.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about what to do instead.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: And then, finally, we're going to talk about the real reason it's not working.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: And you might be thinking you know, I am doing all the right things, much like I think women thought about in their marriage.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Right, I am doing all the right things, really focusing on being a good partner, a good spouse, a good wife.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Why isn't anything changing?
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: And so later in the episode, we're going to break down one of the key energetic shifts you need to make so that your post-divorce manifestations start to flow and continue flowing.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Let's dig in.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Okay, first things first, the good girl trap.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Right, we want to get good at manifesting because we want to feel better, right, what's the reason we all want to manifest something?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: It's because we believe that in the having of the manifestation, we are going to feel better, our life will improve in some way.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: And so typically we're, you know, sort of thinking up these things.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: We want to manifest from a place of pain right, from a place of discomfort.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: It's like, oh, I don't feel as good as I want to, but if I had this thing I would feel better.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: And therefore I want to make sure I have this, you know manifestation process that gets me from here to there.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: But when we are trying to do it perfectly or good, and we're trying to be positive all the time, it actually is blocking or, at a minimum, keeping you stuck in that negative emotional state.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: So perfectionism in general oh, my good old friend, perfectionism, right is rooted in primarily, I would say, two emotions fear and shame, right.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: So the first one let's talk about is fear, which is like an anxiety, right, a sense that I'm not okay, I'm in danger, I can't protect myself, I can't provide for myself, right, that I'm not going to be okay, something bad is going to happen, like fear, I'm not held, I'm not safe.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: And the second one is shame, which is, if I am not perfect, I am going to feel all the shame that I have stored up like a chipmunk in the wintertime.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Right Over the course of my entire life I'm going to become in touch with that shame and I have to outrun it.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: So, because if I feel it I might self-destruct.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: And so, right, we develop these sort of perfectionistic approaches to things to block us, to keep us from having to feel our shame, and so when we're trying to do a good job, manifesting, it's really because we're running away from reconciling our fear and our shame.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: And when we are sort of checking the boxes of manifesting using, like I mentioned, vision boards and affirmations and positivity and all of that, what we still have hidden in our emotional trunk is all of that low vibe, emotion that has to be purged from the system.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Right, because it's still in you, that vibration is still in your body, and you can't fake a vibration.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Very, very often we can gaslight ourselves and the world into thinking it's fine.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: And, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of times when I know there's a vibration stuck in my body and I am going to be intentionally positive and intentionally maybe suppress it or bypass it for a period of time until I can work on it to release it, right?
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: So let's say, you know, I wake up in the morning with a particular stressor on my mind and I'm going to say, okay, today I'm going to well, for right now I'm going to get up and focus on some really grounding thoughts.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Right, like my God is not a God of chaos, that his God I don't mean to call God, him right, but God is source energy, is intending for me to feel joyful and safe that those are, these are just very, very grounding thoughts, right, and that every time I expand my capacity for faith and trust in source energy, it works out right.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: And that every time I expand my capacity for faith and trust in source energy, it works out right.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: Everything is always working out for me.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: So I might rehearse these really grounding, positive thoughts to align my energy with them.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Now I know that in the back of my mind there's still this stuck vibration right, and so then I'm going to put a pin in that stuck vibration right, and so then I'm going to put a pin in that, and when I have time later in the day, I might intentionally sit with, allow myself to feel that feeling.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Do some bilateral stimulation, take a homeopathic remedy, do some somatic work to move that vibration out because I know it's in there.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: I want you to start really hearing that we can't fake the vibrational work and that if you feel like you've been doing manifestation quote unquote well, being good, doing good, that you're missing a piece of it, right, and those vibes have to be reconciled and purged.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: And I think for women who are particularly dissociative and what do I mean by dissociative?
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: I mean can't successfully get in touch with certain emotions, like, are you in touch with feeling shame?
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Most of us are in touch with feeling fear, right, we sort of live in a state of, I think in modern culture, right, we sort of live in a heightened state of insecurity, anxiety, fear, whatever.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: But are you in touch with feeling shame?
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: And if you're not, right, oh, why is that particular emotion dissociated for you?
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Are you someone who tends to think a lot, overthink a lot?
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Do you know where feelings are in your body?
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: When you sit with a feeling, are you able to successfully move it by attending to it, by bilaterally stimulating it, by using EFT, by using somatics?
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: If not, and they stay stuck, there's something in there that's holding it there and I would guess that there's a dissociative process going on, right?
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So this is an invitation to start getting curious about how to more effectively work with the vibrations of fear and shame, to move them up and out of your body.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: All right, let's talk about the feel good paradox, because we can't manifest from a to-do list.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Right, it's an emotional frequency, and so how do we get our energy aligned with our desires?
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: How do we get our energy aligned with our desires?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: How do we get our energy aligned with our desires?
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: So, very, very often I think especially as women but quite frankly, I watched my husband do this too we want to do the right thing.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: We want to prioritize what needs to get done, we want to take care of other people, we want to really make sure we are doing a good job, we're taking care of our responsibilities, we are planning for our future.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: We're like just doing the things that we have to do, right.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: But when we don't pause and check in with how we're actually feeling and make a conscious, intentional choice to feel better in that moment, we're directly working against our manifestational goals, because the things we desire are high vibe, and so we don't have to be perfectly high vibe all the time, but we need our predominant vibration about the thing we want to manifest to be high and when we're exhausted and stressed and angry and bitter.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: And exhausted and stressed and angry and bitter, that's not high vibe, it's opposite of where we're trying to go.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: And so how to get your vibe to match your desire?
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: Well, what are the little things you could do throughout your day that would improve your vibration?
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: And so this is just a really important lifestyle shift.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: It's not a one and done kind of thing.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: It's a wake up in the morning and get grounded with the statements.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: When I walk into my closet, which thing inspires me most?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: You know, when I come down the stairs, which music would help me feel best, which music would help me feel best when I am thinking, overthinking throughout the day which thoughts make me feel best, and then picking the thoughts that lead to better feelings.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: When I am moving through my workday, very often there's a to-do list.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Right, when you're moving through your kitchen, your home, there's a to-do list.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Which thing on your to-do list do you have the least resistance around?
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Would you rather wash a few dishes or switch that load of laundry?
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Would you rather water the plants or do the next?
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Right, like when you prioritize the thing that has the least resistance.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Often you can get some momentum, and momentum is the thing that calls in manifestations.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: What you focus on gets momentum.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: So when we're constantly picking the hardest task first, very often then we're getting a negative energetic momentum and then shit goes downhill, right.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: So which things can you do around your home life, around your work life, that can get some momentum around feeling good?
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: This is why I'm so in love with things like somatics and homeopathy, because they're very quick to move the energy and to get momentum and your vibration going in a different direction, right.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: So you can't, if you have any resistance to doing somatic things like throwing pillows or dancing or, you know, just moving things through your body.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: It's really, really important to look that, because if you're staying stuck in your mind, you're not going to have very much success with manifestations, because the mind overthinks and each of those thoughts triggers a feeling, and very often they're negative, right, and so we have to really be in touch with but how are you feeling in your body and reaching for the thing that's going to help you feel?
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Good is what is so very, very important.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Good is what is so very, very important, and so what are some of the thoughts that help you to feel best.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: Now where I think people get stuck in.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: This step of the process brings me to the third issue, which is the real reason it's not working.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Well, when you start to understand okay, it's not what I do, it's how I feel and I need to feel good.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: What do most of us do?
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: 9.9 times out of 10 when we want to feel good?
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: We reach for something outside of ourselves to feel better A drink, a phone screen, a guy, something to purchase, something to do with our children or somewhere to go right.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: It's like we rely so heavily on an external solution to an internal vibrational issue that you're not developing the capacity to shift your vibration without needing something external to you.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: And then it's like well, crap, I have been thinking like if I could just get a different job, or if I could just get a different house, or if I could just get a different partner, if I could just get a different whatever.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: And those things aren't all available to us right now.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Right, if I could just go on the perfect vacation, or if I could just buy these really great bodysuit I want, like it will solve my problem and it won't love, it won't, if my ex would just start acting right.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Or if I could just you name it, that's not embodying a high vibration, it's relying on an external solution, and that is what we have been trained to do in a modern society to consume something in order to feel better, and so it is very much a skill to drop into your body and to be able to shift your vibration, and that is the real reason it's not working for you.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: So I want you to join with me now, taking a big deep breath and really dropping into your body and for most of us, just dropping into our bodies comes with triggers.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: There's something in there you don't want to feel.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: There's something in there you don't want to be aware of or conscious of, and then we're running away from it rather than alchemizing it, transmuting it, metabolizing it, whatever phrase lands or resonates with you.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: And so what can you reach for right now, as we're sitting together, that would feel good.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: Now, what would feel good for me to reach for is going to be completely different than what would feel good for you to reach for, so you have to play with it.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: One of the things Producer Joy and I've been working on this morning and Producer Joy especially, she has such a gift is making a manifestation, a vision board, to do with the women that we spoke with as we were enrolling this past couple of weeks and months for a different D word.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Every woman that we spoke to or that filled out a form is currently on a vision board for us to manifest Any of the women that were not able to join for whatever reason.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: We want to help usher in our fall enrollment right.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: We want to be very intentional about holding space for each of you that we spoke to, met with, listened to you know, express some interest, some need, and so this is one of the things that's making us feel really good right now this beautiful board with all these beautiful names of each of you that is part of our community.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Producer Joy put all this beautiful artwork on there and all these beautiful manifestational phrases, and I have a lot of different card decks right, like manifesting card decks and affirmations and things like that.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: It's just so beautiful, right.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: So looking at that right now, it feels so good.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: When I think about things like everything is always working out for me and how much I have practiced that over the years and I know it's so true I immediately start to feel better.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: When I think about the flowers I have planted in little pots around my yard and how they're blooming so beautifully, I immediately start to feel good.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: When I think about the power of homeopathy, I get so freaking excited.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I can't help it Now.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I have problems.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: Right, I have plenty of problems.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: I have pain in my body, like right this minute I have pain in my body.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: So it's not that I just have an easier life than you.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: I mean, maybe in some ways, maybe not, I don't know right.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: But life is life Like.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Life is always going to bring stressors and pain and contrast.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: There is no such thing as manifesting a life without contrast.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: That does not exist.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: It's not a thing.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: So but what's the difference between how I do it and maybe how you do it?
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: I've learned that what I focus on is what I manifest.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: So when I feel pain in my body, I get really excited that I know I have a solution for it.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: When I feel some stressor in life, I get really excited because I know that everything is always working out for me and something about the stressor is going to bring me to the next level, and I also know that source energy is always going to guide me towards the path of most allowance.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: It's always going to guide me towards the solutions.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: So anytime I perceive a problem, rather than focus on the problem or get into power, struggle with it.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Or get into power, struggle with it or get resentful about it or anxious about it, I am prone to anxiety.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Friend right, like my endocrine system, right is primed because of early childhood trauma for anxiety.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: So.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: But when I start those feelings to come up, I say hello, anxious feelings.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Are these true or are these false?
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: What I actually know to be true, based on my experience, is that everything is always working out for me.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: That when I trust my wise self, my high mind, source energy, I am guided down a path to a solution.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: That I am not expected to be perfect, I'm expected to be accountable.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: That I don't have to be perfect, I can let go of those things.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: That even when I have made knuckleheaded choices, I have still been guided out of those with minimal consequence, because my heart and my mind are centered on wanting to grow, learn and be in alignment and wanting to feel good.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: Now you might be thinking to yourself but isn't this selfish, john, feeling good and focusing on?
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: You know all of this, and maybe, maybe it is.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Do you know how often at night or throughout the day, I'll tell my daughter if she has some need?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Like I, have to find a way to feel good first, otherwise you and I are going to bounce off of each other in angry, stressful ways, and that is not going to serve either of us.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: So I need some time to find a feeling good place before I can do this next thing.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Or you know, what would really help me, kiddo, is if I could find this feeling good place and then we and then I can say whatever, right?
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: So it's like, when I'm in a feeling good place, is that really selfish or does it mean that I end up having more capacity to connect with and serve the people in my life whom I love deeply, including you?
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Do you think it's easier to make podcast content from a feeling good place or from a feeling shitty place, right?
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: So I think when we get into that lie of it's selfish to feel good, it's a real problem, because we end up, without meaning, to spreading negative vibes rather than positive vibes.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: And remember you can't fake a vibration.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: I'll leave you with this final thought, sometimes one of the most powerful things that can help us shift our vibration and feel more aligned is feeling truly seen, held and understood, because very often, until we have that moment where we feel truly seen and listen, the goal is to be able to feel truly seen and understood by self right, like by our, with our like, to really be able to like, truly hold space for ourselves from a place of loving eyes and grace and understanding right.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: But very often the way the path to that is by feeling truly seen by someone else.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: And so let's do a little vibration assessment, right, like, let's do a, let's practice.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Let's practice right here and right now.
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: So I would love the opportunity for you to feel into for yourself how feeling truly seen and understood has the power to shift your vibration and unhook some resentment or stuckness in your body.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, so here's a call to action.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: I want you to send me a DM.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: So hop on Instagram at Dawn Wiggins.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: If you're not on Instagram, then you can do it via email, right?
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Hello at mycoachedawncom.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Hop on Instagram and send me a DM and answer this what do you wish people understood better about your experience with divorce and afterwards?
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Better about your experience with divorce and afterwards what do you wish people understood better about your experience with this whole freaking divorce thing.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Now let's test this.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Is there truly something powerful in you sharing that with me, me hearing it, me seeing you, me understanding it, me validating it?
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: And does that free something up inside of you to be able to move your vibration up the vibrational scale?
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Because very often, once something is really acknowledged, really truly acknowledged, there's a lot more space to wiggle it.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Does that make any sense?
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: So let's test it right.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: What if I'm wrong?
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Let's you know, trust, but verify.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: I want to know, and I want to know not just right what you wish I or we or people understood about your experience, but I want to know if this feels helpful to you.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: Once we've done it, once we've done the exercise in shifting your vibration, does it allow you to step into a feeling good place more than you did before?
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: All right, cannot wait to hear from Peace.