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How to Connect with Introverted Students in Your Youth Ministry · Ministry Coach: Youth Ministry Tips & Resources

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: If you're that extroverted youth pastor, which a lot of us are, you might have a whole invisible group that is screaming for mercy.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we as youth pastors think, oh, how fun, we'll just put a bunch of games and food out and everyone will have a great time.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: And for the right students, 100%.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Yes, but don't forget about the introvert who's like um, this dead time is killing me and I'm going to stall, and I'm going to wait in the parking lot or wait in the hallway until you guys actually start something, because I can't make small talk, or how long can I just?
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: kind of walk around the room.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Today we, every week, we give you actionable and practical tips to help your youth ministry.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: My name is Jeff Laskola and this is Kristen Laskola, and today we have seven tips for you for engaging introverts in your youth ministry.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: And this was kind of birthed out of a TikTok.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I saw where this lady was in her car and I think she had just left church and she was like can churches please remember there's introverts here, like everything you guys ask us to do, say hello to your neighbor, meet someone and they're like I don't want to, like I'm so uncomfortable and I think ministry leads this is a total painting with a broad brush, but a lot of ministry leads tend to be extroverts.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Hey, introverts, I see you.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I've known a lot of pastors who are introverts and they are fantastic and they probably have no problem knowing this stuff.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: It's just intuitive.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: But if you're that extroverted youth pastor, which a lot of us are, you might have a whole invisible group that is screaming for mercy.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: And we're going to have seven quick tips today to help you be a little more sensitive to the needs of people that don't share your enthusiasm for meeting everyone, talking to everyone, mingling with everyone.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: So number one we've talked about this in a different context before, but you need more leaders in the room.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I've said before, the more leaders in your ministry, the better for a lot of reasons, like safety and ratios and all of these things, but in this particular context, people that are available for one-on-one conversations.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: So I have a student in my ministry who is probably the biggest introvert I've ever met.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Every single time we talk she tells me I do not like people.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: That is her verbatim what she says.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: And she said I do not like big crowds.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: And she's homeschooled and she likes it that way.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: She plays solo sports, she does horseback riding and aerial silks and all these things that require you to just-.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: What's aerial silks?
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: You know, those like circus circ people that like it's like those silks that hang down and they like wrap themselves up and they come down and wow yeah, she does that.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: It's amazing, but they're all solo things, right.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: She said I kind of wanted to try gymnastics, but there's too many people there you know, so she's your like hardcore introvert, well, well, what does it take for me to get her to engage?
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: She won't play the games, she just sits on her phone.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I have to literally go sit next to her and just fully lock in, engage one-on-one.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: That's fine, but other students need me as well.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: So, I can't spend all my time just talking to her.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: So today I was talking with her and we were having a great conversation.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I really enjoy talking with her.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: But another student came up and started wanting to tell me all about homecoming and this and that and you could tell she was like I'm out of here.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: You know, man, if I had more leaders in here today that could be engaged with these introvert students one-on-one and really give them the attention, then they would feel seen.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: They would walk away feeling like I liked church today Someone saw me, I had a great conversation because they're never going to be the ones that are like hey, guys, want to hear all about my weekend or like being like playing our games and stuff.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: They just are like hey, you sent me down with someone with focused attention and I'm happy and she was.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: So the more leaders you have, the better in terms of introvert.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: And even tell your leaders hey, be on the lookout for this type of kid that maybe you mistake them for being withdrawn and they're not.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: They're just quiet and introverts usually wait for people to come to them.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Like they usually don't go to people, but when someone does come to them, they're usually very friendly and we'll talk and engage and open up and her and I've had amazing conversations every single time I go to her.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: So I remember, like last Christmas or something, she made me this homemade Christmas gift and it just touched my heart so much, cause I'm like you, do like me, okay, you know, cause she didn't have to do that, you know, it was very sweet.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: And so these introverts a lot of times are like just engage with me, me and you, that's it, which isn't realistic if you're the only adult in the room Right.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Ok, Number two Another way to engage your introverted students is leverage your student leaders to help you with that.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: So kind of a similar sentiment to what we were just talking about with point number one.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Today I had a great example of that Again.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: There was a new student and she was having a really hard time acclimating to the class and I was getting to know her and asking her questions and stuff like that, and she just started, her mom left and she just sat on the ground right where she was and started bawling.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I'm like I'm not going to go get that mom and be like, oh, I'm sorry, you know, I'm just like, okay, we are going to figure this out.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: So, uh, one of my student leaders she is very nurturing and mature and has a very calm energy and I said, hey, like can I introduce you to my friend?
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: She is going to sit with you.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: She already has a seat over there.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: She is so excited to meet you and you know, if we play a game, she'll show you exactly how to play it.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: And it was like because I got to go.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: You know like it's time to start the program.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm like in the sound booth and helping with this and doing that, and it was so great that I could use one of my very capable student leaders to take on this student who definitely was introverted and needed someone to just kind of like come alongside and be their buddy.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: And I talk with my student leadership team all the time at our meetings of like guys.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Like when you step into a leadership position, no longer are you always thinking of what's best for me, you're thinking of what is best for the group, and so I train them constantly on little scenarios Okay, someone's getting bullied.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Someone grabbed this boy's hat and they're laughing and throwing it and he's embarrassed and now he's crying.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: What's your next move?
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: So train them on these scenarios there's a kid who's crying and their parents left and they are scared and they don't know anyone.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: What's your next move?
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: And that they're always ready.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Like junior hires especially, they don't always have the maturity to like, see it and act, but when they're called in by the coach of like all right, this is your play, you know what to do because we've run through this.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: They will rise to the occasion, even if they don't engage on their own.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: And so using student leaders to help with these introverted students who are just trying to figure out how to make their way in your youth ministry is amazing, and especially if you have that really mature nurturing type which is present in some of my boys and girls, it gives them the sense of purpose and you even want to come up to them after and say that was amazing.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: You did such a good job.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: That was ministry.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: You were doing ministry right there.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: I told them you guys are shepherds, you're leading people to Jesus, you're protecting people from the wolves, you are caring, you're helping with soul care right now.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: So empower them with those types of words.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: How often do you have the student who would be classified as introverted but they like, like you were saying, there's some kids that are like, introverted, that want to be drawn in.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: They want to be like.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: I hope I get called on but I'm not the one to like be assertive and say what I need to say?
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: How often do you have it where the student is like no, I like legit, don't want to be, I don't have anyone to talk to me, I just want to be left alone.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: And what?
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: do you do in those cases?
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: I don't leave them alone, okay, I just tread differently with them.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: So there's some kids that you can tell I'm shy, but please see me and include me.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And there's other kids that will give you a little bit more of a hostile reaction, like there's this kid who comes on Tuesdays and like one of my leaders was like hey, man, what's up?
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And like went to give him a high five and he just looked at him.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: He's like what?
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: are you doing?
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: And the leader was like I feel stupid.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my gosh, like he's putting out very hostile vibes, just like, don't talk to me.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And here's what I always come back to.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I always tell my leaders they're in pain.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: We just don't know what it is, we don't know why it is, but nobody treats a friendly adult trying to give you a high five at church with such disdain unless you're in pain.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Usually it's some kind of trauma or insecurity, or they've been bullied or made fun of, or their family there has been abuse, who knows?
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: But I know there's pain.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: So I always try not to take it personally but then tread lightly and consistently Because, like, think about this, like I pray almost every day thanking the Lord that the Holy Spirit did not stop pursuing me when I was a mess.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: You know, like I always believed in God, like I was never an atheist.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: My lifestyle wasn't always reflecting that, especially in high school, and I just remember the Holy Spirit being relentless of just like I am not letting you get off that easy and I'd be like, like that.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: But it came to the point where I'm like okay, you win, fine, you know.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: And so I think of that model a lot with students that try to outrun our love of like, okay, I'm not going to smother you and pound you into the ground, because how long did it take the Holy Spirit to get a hold of our hearts?
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: It can take months, years, decades, whatever.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: So I let them know you cannot be so cold to me that I'm going to withhold my love from you.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I had a girl her first year in junior high.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Like rough man, she told me to my face I hate you.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: And I just booped her on the nose and I said no, you don't.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: And I remember her Yep and guess who came?
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: She's in high school now.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Guess who came in my room to smother me with a hug and wouldn't let me go today, it's her I know she didn't hate me.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: She is mad.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: She's in high school now.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Guess who came in my room to smother me with a hug and wouldn't let me go?
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Today it's her.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I know she didn't hate me.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: She is mad, she's angry.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: She had a lot of stuff going on, but I remember telling her mom there is nothing, nothing she can do to outrun my love.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: So don't you worry, I can handle some ice coldness, I can handle, and I hate you and yeah, like I'm still gonna love you.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Gosh, darn it.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: So I just I just tread differently with them, you know, I just let her know, like nice try yeah.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: I still love you and I think when she told me she hated me, I did boop her on the nose.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: I said well, I love you still.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: She's like, she's my little bff now, like she wants to hang out all the time.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: So you know, I think that's just the love of God, right?
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: The love of God pursues, pursues, pursues and doesn't let people get away that easy.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: And if they want to get away, they will.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: They're not going to be in our ministry forever.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: So if we never got through to them, well, at least they got some love and attention for a couple of years.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: And then now they're on a different journey with God pursuing them a different way.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: But let it never be said well, they gave up on me.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: You know it's like, well, if you want to give up on yourself, eventually that's up to you, but it's not going to be because, well, they loved me only until a point.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: You know, cause some kids are trying to test you too of, like, how mean can I be?
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: And then see, you know, like trying to build up walls to prove.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: I was right yeah.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: So, a little bit of sidetrack.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: What's number three?
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it was good.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: So number three way to reach out to your introverted students is give them an anchoring job.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: So I remember talking to a lot of parents, especially of homeschooled kids, in my ministry years ago and them saying you know, our kids love coming, they just need a purpose.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: So some kids are just like don't put me to work, I just am working the room, that's my job, that's my work.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: But other kids are like give me a place and a job and a purpose and an anchored spot because it's safe.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: So I will put those types of kids who are like just give me a purpose and I'm good, like in the tech booth and running tech and it kind of gives them that safety of like well, it doesn't matter if I'm not mingling and talking to people, whatever I've got work to do and then other things like the snack shack, running the snack shack.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: These are all student leadership jobs for me, so I only use introverts that are on my student leadership for this stuff.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: And then another really great one is they can be on your photo and video team.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: It requires, you know, for you to get out there a little bit, but it still gives you a job to do and something to focus on and students usually really love it.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: Asterisk on that one.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: If they don't have a phone, we have a phone for them to use, like normally.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Caleb, get my guy's director.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: Caleb lets them use his phone.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: I don't mind letting them use my phone and yeah they, they can walk around taking pictures and video of whatever we're doing.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: But giving them like just I think one thing for an introvert is just the aimlessness.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: That's really hard for them.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: It's just like I'm here right and now I'm just sort of walking around figure out how to fill your time and not be awkward yeah, and that's really hard because they're usually not good at small talk and not usually good at just inserting themselves into a game, like oh, guys are throwing the football around, sure, you know, like just jump in and like that doesn't really come naturally to everybody, so understandably.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: So Number four connect them with the right students.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: So this usually comes through the vehicle of small groups.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: So there was a high school student I was talking to recently and I think he's on the introverted side.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: I think he was offended when I told him that he just strikes me as introverted, but he doesn't think he is.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: So I said what is a really great way to for an introvert such as yourself?
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: And he's like, hey, why is?
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: it such a negative, I know I'm an introvert, oh oh, I'm one of them.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: We're talking about him and he's in the room.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: Um, I said what is a great way for introverts to get to know people like?
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: What would make you feel connected?
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And he said I think small groups.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: He's like because you're in a room of people of like, these are your people right now and it makes a big group feel small and these are the people you're going to get to know and build relationships with.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Another great reason to do small group ministry make that the hub of everything you do.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: If you don't do small groups, you should have done it yesterday, so that should be priority number one right now.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: But small groups and remember we always talk about dividing small groups for people, giving them the best chance at connection as possible, meaning grade, gender, vibe, interest, you know, consider it all because we don't want to like.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Let's just have people like get to know people they never hang out with in real life.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: No, don't do this right I hate when people do that like just meet someone that you normally would never talk to.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: Okay, I get the sentiment behind that the idea is is good, but the reality is, would you really open up with people who are constant strangers to you?
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: And I think the idea is, well, they wouldn't be strangers.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: But then it's like if that group keeps changing constantly, they are kind of still strangers.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: I haven't really got to know you that well, so why would I open up about anything thing Totally.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: And that we've seen in our own Bible study like small group it takes so much time, like it takes so much consistent regular time, and even our life group.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: It's people that are the similar stage in life.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: They're couples with children in elementary or like young junior high Right, and so we all like share parenting woes and you know we're all kind of going through similar things together and that's okay, you, I mean.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean only be friends with people that are exactly like you.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: It just means when you're trying to go through life with people and figure out what does it mean to follow God together.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: It's easier and more connective if it's people that are your tribe, that are reflective of where you are also at.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know there's some creative ways that you can get people to know other people in your group who are not in their small group.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: But I think that small group really does need to be focused on.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: These are, like my consistent people that I'm comfortable with and I can open up around and then use those other times where maybe you can have either a game or whatever it is to get to know you type game where they can get to know some of those people and become comfortable with them.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: But it just it's going to be.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: It's going to be different than your small group people.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah exactly.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: So it's not like don't talk to anyone else, but it's just okay.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: Now we're going to like talk real life.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: So number five give them options for quiet yet interactive activities.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: So I always keep certain games on hand for a little group of people that I'm like.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I'll look around the room, like before church starts, and they'll be the usual people on the Nintendo Switch, the usual people playing Foursquare, the usual people playing basketball, a couple people playing air hockey.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: And then there was, like these random people one sitting here, one standing over there, one sitting over by themselves here, one standing over there, one sitting over by themselves here and what I do is I sit on the couch and I invite all of the stragglers over to this really comfortable couch area and I say, well, someone, please play taco, cat, goat cheese pizza with me.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: So I make it sound like I really want to play, but I don't have anyone to play with, like they're doing me a favor instead of like hey, hey, wallflower, get over here, you need something to do.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: So like, guys, please, let's play this or spot it is another great one Anomia, brain freeze.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: These are just easy games you can keep in your room, that kind of gather people.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: But it's not like you're having to make a fool of yourself or run around or do something extreme, because sometimes introverts don't love the look at me game like where I have to be out or throw the ball or I'm, you know, a spectacle right now.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: So keep some of those around and kind of collect those people and do a game with them.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I had a leader I'm sure I've told the story a million times but he used to come early and bring his magic the gathering cards Never even heard of it.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I think that's what it's called.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: And he, I mean he had his own little posse and they would show up 30 minutes early and they would all sit at this little big long table and they were a thing.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: It was awesome.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: So you know, there's a lot of kids who love that kind of stuff.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Just, I want to be invited.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Sure, I'll sit and hold a deck of cards.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: And now, look at me, I'm a part of a social interacting.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you also have the, and I guess this would be people who are like I literally just want to be by myself.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: But you have those like older coloring books.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I always hate saying adult coloring books because it sounds gross, but it's like more detailed coloring.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: I know right, yeah more detailed coloring books for older kids yes or even adults actually yeah but where they can be doing something and using their creativity, their brain and all that stuff.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: But they don't necessarily have to and I guess they could do it side by side with somebody else.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: But it gives that option because, like, I feel like when you're that person, that's like I don't know exactly where I fit in, I don't know what I want to do, maybe I don't want to do anything, just sitting here.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: It's like that magnifying glass with the sun and it's like it's getting hotter and hotter and hotter and I can't it because, like, I just feel so, like such a spectacle right now, sure, and giving them something to do, you know, takes that away.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: Which kind of brings us back to the first thing we were talking about is the more leaders you have in that room the better, because not only for those one-on-one conversations, but to start those little pickup games of like, hey, like you five, come here, let's play this, dominoes or whatever, and so you can have yourself kind of spread throughout the room with leaders and create these little networks of kids who are doing stuff together.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: But the truth is, this kind of brings us to number.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Well, okay, I'm going to jump to it.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: It would.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: Going off script everybody what's happening Well cannot compute.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Okay, this would be number six is being very careful with the amount of hangout time that you have.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes we as youth pastors think, oh, how fun, we'll just put a bunch of games and food out and everyone will have a great time.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: And for the right students, 100%.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Yes, but don't forget about the introvert who's like um, this dead time is killing me and I'm going to stall and I'm going to wait in the parking lot or wait in the hallway until you guys actually start something, cause I can't make small talk, or how long can I just kind of walk around the room and you know?
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: So you want to like make a little bit of wiggle room there, of like everyone to like come in and hey, and let's play a game together before service starts, or have a donut, or how was your weekend?
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: You know there has to be some room for chit, chat and just free hangout, but too much of it makes an introvert very nervous yeah because how are they going to fill that time?
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: right and that was me in high school because I would just wait in the parking lot like oh no, oh no, oh no.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: But if you hear worship starting, you're like sweet, I'm going.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can, everyone's standing and singing.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I don't have to just stand and go.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: No one here is my friend and it's very obvious I I'm never coming back.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I heard a story actually of a kid one time at youth group who was kept hiding in the hallway and like waiting, you know because, and it was like someone finally confronted him.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: It was like, hey, what's going on?
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: And he's like, uh, there's just a lot of hangout time and was up front with it.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: It just said like I just feel uncomfortable, you know, with that much.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: And you know parents will drop kids off early because obviously they want as much time to themselves as they can get.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: But yeah, this kid was kind of just like taking his time before going in, because hanging out outside where no one's seeing you is way more comfortable than hanging inside where you're thinking, oh my gosh, all eyes are on me Because I can't connect with these people, at least at that point in time.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: Right, I agree.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: So all right, number seven we're actually starting a new program for kids like this, called the Deep End.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: It's kind of a when we throw them in.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: It's like figure out how to be social or you can't be in our group.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: Hey friend, I just wanted to interrupt this episode for a second to let you know about an awesome opportunity for you and your youth ministry.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: So last year we launched our course and coaching program called Youth Ministry Growth Accelerator and the response has been amazing.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: So we've helped tons of youth pastors grow the size and health of their youth ministry and we want to invite you to be a part of that as well, because maybe you're just sort of feeling stuck in a rut, maybe you don't know what to do next, maybe you just have a vague plan in your mind of what you're doing and you want some real help to get you from where you are to where you want to go.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: So if that sounds like something you've been looking for, go to growyouryouthministrycom and check it out for more details.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: All right, let's get back to the episode.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: It's like a discipleship tool thing.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: So say, you come early on program night, tuesday night, and everyone's like playing Foursquare or video games or running around or just giggling and flirting and you're like what do I do?
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Well, there will be a table called the deep end where there'll be two leaders and you can get discipleship tools, meaning like kind of like challenges.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: So memorize this booklet of scripture, like memorize these verses, memorize the old Testament books, memorize the new Testament books here's a Bible study and then, when you've completed them, you can say your verse, say the books, do whatever, and then you get like our youth group is called Chaos, so you would get like Chaos books.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: You can put those toward buying things at our snack shack or putting those toward an event, like if we're doing an all nighter and it's 70 bucks, you know you can put your money toward that.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: I have a donor who's going to financially back that for real money, which is great, because you're probably like well, that could get expensive quickly If you find someone with the right heart behind it.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: It's actually a leader who thought of it and she said you know, I'm the kind of person that wants a purpose and a place to be in, a challenge to live up to.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: So I would love to back this and run this alongside you and kind of reach out to that 10%.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: That's sort of like I don't know what to do with myself, but I would love a challenge and I'd love a little spot to be and I would love you know so they would like go and talk to the leaders and talk about resources and you know like, and then there'd be a whole lot of socialization.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: That would happen there too, but it would be over a purpose and so we haven't launched it yet.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: But there it is a free idea.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: We're going to start it next month.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: We're starting to get our resources together for it, but it's with the introverted mind is the whole reason we're doing it, like maybe they brought their Bible and so they get a buck and that gives them, oh, go visit the table.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: And while they're there, the leader's like hey, how are you?
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Wow, good job, here's your buck.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, well, are you interested?
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: Do you want to try to memorize?
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: You know Psalm 119?
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: Like what do you think?
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: I bet you could do it in a month, okay, or then they do come and they're reciting it and that buys them at least five, 10 minutes.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and now program starting.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: Right Ta-da.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: And they remember they got to memorize scripture and the books of the Bible and all those things, so they actually were doing something great.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: And then they feel good, because you know those kids that are kind of that overachiever, like I want more kind of thing.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: You know, some kids are like blah, blah, small groups, I want to go play dodgeball.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: And some are like, ooh, can I memorize the map of, like Moses's trek through the wilderness?
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: That sounds exciting.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: So having something for those kinds of kids, it's's called the deep end, you can call it whatever you want.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: And then lastly and we've talked about a little bit why this does and doesn't work but having pre-planned games that they can hop in on, meaning like during hangout time.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: It's like I like to have four square going, or gaga, not every introvert we've already talked about this they might just want to not be very active and do these games that require, like that, high energy and exposure and all that kind of stuff.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: But sometimes I can get them to play Foursquare Like all you have to do is get in line, just make sure you hit underhand, do this, do that.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: See, you already know how to play, and then they can stand in line and then at least they kind of have a purpose.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: They don't.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I've noticed a lot of hardcore introverts don't really last in those kinds of games, but some do you know.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: It just really depends on the person.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: I have this introverted girl.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: She comes, she is very quiet, never doesn't make eye contact.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: Dominates in Gaga ball every single week, like we'll rip your face off, and she's very quiet about it.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: She just stands there and wins.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: It's like oh my gosh.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: Or like we play four square.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: She doesn't say a word, she doesn't gloat, she's not like a trash talker, just beats the snot out of everybody.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: So she's hardcore introvert.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: She loves it.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I've tried to invite this introverted boy to play with us because I can tell he needs a spot and you could tell he's just hardcore, uncomfortable, just like oh, I'm done, it's okay.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm sorry I inconvenienced you all by my presence is how he comes across.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: It's like we want you here, you know.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: So just feel it out, you know, like try.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: They like can't wait to get out.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: I know, I guess it's me, I guess I'm not, you weren't even hit by the dodgeball.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: I know, but he was near me and I saw it, so but here, like I think, every time I think about introverts, this question of cell phones comes up too, because some leaders in my ministry would say no cell phone, we should have a no cell phone policy, and I 100% understand why.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Like absolutely, I get it.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: On the other hand, I think of the kid who is so uncomfortable and is like, well, maybe I'll just like text, yeah, and is that healthy?
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: They should be interacting and making relationships.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Of course they should, can they?
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Right now, I don't know.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: And the last thing I want to do is be like get the phone out of your hand.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: You're at church now, you know.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: I think that creates like a very like oh, like now I'm in trouble and now they don't like me, kind of thing.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: During the message, during worship, obviously I tell kids to put it away, but kind of that like dead time.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Sometimes my heart just goes out to those kids that are on the blanket is and I cringe.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: Like cause, I want them to interact.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: But, like perfect example, the girl I was talking to today, the one who says to me all the time she doesn't like people she was on her phone.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: I think it was her safety blanket.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Well, I went down and sat next to her and I said how are you?
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: She immediately put her phone in her bag and engaged with me right away.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: So it was almost like a placeholder until someone saw her.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Which, what is she going to do?
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Just stare at the wall.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: You know I try to put videos up on the screen that are going constantly so a kid could just sit there and watch it.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: But what's the difference between that and your phone?
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe I'm splitting hairs, but I just felt like it made her feel like time is passing, until someone came and sat with me and she was more than willing to put it away to have real human interaction.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: So I could tell she was like Ooh, yay, think I wanted this Cause.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, you know, kids will just keep their phone out, uh-huh.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh, but she put it away.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: So I'm like cool, you're excited about what's about to happen.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, I go back and forth with phones.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I don't think they should be in small group, I don't think they should be during the message or worship, but sometimes I like try to throw a kid a bone and be like it's because you feel uncomfortable, yeah.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: So I don't know.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: I'm sure there's lots of opinions on that, which is okay.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: I don't even know exactly how I feel about it.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: But yeah, maybe we just kind of drop the greet, your neighbor stuff, and maybe as an adult, I get nervous whenever they do that and I could feel it coming.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: And it's not for a lack of like.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: I don't want to talk to anybody, but I just feel awkward sometimes and I just don't want to do that and be forced to do that and so.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: And then I also don't want to look like a jerk by not like looking around or anything.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: But there's also the people that's like they're not even sitting next to anybody, so do you have to like walk over to them or well and truthfully, it doesn't lead to relationships.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: What?
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: does it lead to?
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: half of us are like and half of us feel mortified right, so you never remember the name, as hard as you try, it's not like you're gonna see him in the hall next week.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: Hey, scott, right, I shook your hand last week and that was, you know, like whatever purpose we think it's serving as weird extroverts, it's not I feel like small talk works better in those situations than a forced oh hello, good morning.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: My name is, you know, whatever, and it's like I I forgot because I'm horrible about with names.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: But if someone were to turn to me and say something, well, sometimes they'll prompt with a question, but usually it's not the person next to you.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: The last time, you even that's weird though I feel like if it's a natural, let's drop it, let's drop.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: If there's a natural trying to justify it, then it works, but not when it's like, yeah, turn to your neighbor and say, what kind of you coffee do you like?
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: And it's like, what, too much work too much work.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: One also pitfall that I've I still fall into this trap.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: All the time is where you're gonna play a game and you're like, all right, getting a team of four to five, and then we're gonna get started for the introvert.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: They're like what?
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah like I just have to go like absorb myself into a group of five people.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: Like I cannot do this yeah and I don't blame them.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm like stupid, stupid, stupid.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: So you know I'll go out there and be like all right, you and you, you know.
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: I'll try to like piece people together, but or you do the one, I'm gonna number you off and you guys, and then they switch anyways to be with their friends exactly here's a true story.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: When I was in college, there was this class I don't remember what it was, but it was a a big class, probably like over 100 people in it, like stadium seating, and there was a project where it was like get in a group of four or five and you had to think you had to make a video.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: I don't remember exactly what it was about, but they said if you, the alternative to not being part of a group was to write a 20 page paper on Wow, that's hard for introvertness and I opted for the 20 page because I didn't know anybody and I was too afraid to like tap, you know shoulder tap someone say, can I be part of your group?
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: yeah, and I was just I kind of thought I would and I was like looking for maybe somebody to ask me, which never happens.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: And so I finally was just like, okay, I'm doing a 20 page paper and I had to go like do an all-nighter to finish it because I waited the last minute of course, but anyways but that shows you some people are like the willingness to not put yourself out there.
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's a real thing.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: All right, let's do a question of the day.
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: Um, this is something that I'm gonna add, a third option for a lot of people will say are you a night owl, or are you like a early morning person, or are you a night owl?
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: You know, like, where do you put yourself?
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna add a third who is like I'm not an early morning person, I'm not a late night person, I'm like right in the heart of the day.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: That's my like sweet spot.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: So, of the three, which are you, or is it a combination of those?
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: I guess, if I had to choose, probably a night owl.
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's when you're most productive, I guess so, yeah, I just never feel.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: I just feel like I never want to go to bed, like I like being in bed, but they're like I want to do so many things still, you know.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: So maybe that makes me a night owl is that when you feel like your brain is functioning at the highest capacity sometimes, yeah, like sometimes I'll go to bed and then, like five minutes later, pull the covers off and like do another hour of work, because I'm like, oh, I have so many ideas right now.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: You know I used to be the night owl.
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: I'm now a morning person, but I will say my morning person self is the most alert and chipper.
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: But my brain is also going in a million directions, so I feel like I'm more focused at night but I'm have more energy in the mornings.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: So I'd probably be the bookends.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe that's a good way to put it In the middle of the day.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: I crash Focused but the energy is in the morning.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: So it's like I'm focused but tired.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I resonate with that.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: Put in the comment section below what you are or a combination of those three.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: But I wonder if there's any of the middle of the day people out there that are like the beginning and the end of the day that's the worst for me Middle of the day is great.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: That's usually when, like whatever caffeine you're on is probably worn off.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: Anyways.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: Hey, I wanted to give a quick shout out.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: I am doing the 100 holes of golf marathon for a good friend of mine who is in FCA Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and I had a donation come in from someone that watches this podcast in South Africa, south.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: Africa that's far away it is far away, kaya, who is part of the Reawaken ministry which is down there, so I appreciate it how sweet Kaya.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: I really appreciate you donating to that cause.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: So if you guys do want to donate, any amount will help my friend.
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: I'll put a link in the description below.
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: So anyways, thanks again.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: I appreciate it.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: I appreciate you guys watching and listening and we'll see you next time.