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Trevor Noah_ I Thought This Fan Was Going to Attack Me · Midnight Mystery Stories

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Everyone has ideas what the police should have done. You
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: hear them on 702.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: You know, the sad thing is they didn't even warn
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: the miners first.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Why didn't they warn them? When someone has a gun
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: pointed at you like this, is that not a warning anymore?
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: How long have I been gone from this country that
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: this is no longer a warning? Yeah, is that anything now?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: It's all up to interpretation. Yay, yay, yay. Are you
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: coming to my birthday party?
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, are you?
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Must average VP when.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: I don't want to undercater like last time.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, this. Just for emphasis, Baba. See you there. This
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: is madness. My favorite was the National Union of Mind Workers.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: They said, what is the worst thing in this circumstance
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: is that the police did not even ask the miners
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: what they wanted. Before they should, they should have asked
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: them What did they want?
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: At what point do you ask these people? At what point?
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: And pray do tell, who is the super soldier that's
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: willing to keep his cool when a thousand men marching
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: towards him with arm, they arm, they've got spars, they've
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: got pangas, they've got spears. Who is the super soldier
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: who's keeping his cool in this situation, just standing there
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: with his 20 fellow policemen?
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: You know, the sergeant there, ready, aim. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, sergeant, sergeant.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Can't just shoot, my man, can't just shoot. Don't charge.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: You don't know what these guys want, my man. What's
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: wrong with you, eh? What's wrong with you? Trigger happy, chappy, eh?
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Want to shoot people. You don't even know.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Just because you got pangas and spears doesn't mean they
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: want to do something bad. Maybe they're just expressing themselves.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: What's wrong with you, man? You got to talk to them.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Hey, you. You, my man. You with the panga. What
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: do you want? No, not you. The other one.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: The one who's doing this. What do you want? You don't... Hey, hey, Mazubuko.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: Put the gun down, damn it. Put the gun down.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Why do you want to shoot people? What do you
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: mean we are in danger?
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Danger where? Just because you've got the panga, you think
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: you know what he wants to do? What do you mean?
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: There's many uses for panga, my man. You can't just
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: ask me, what do you mean? What do you mean,
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: what are the uses?
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Do I look like Professor Panga or something?
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: You think I just know these things, rattle them off?
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know, man. I'm just saying, just now you
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: shot the guy. Look, he's excited. For all you know,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: it wasn't even violence.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Maybe there was a piece of bread or something that
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: was going to put butter for everybody.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Now you shot the guy, there's a big bread, no butter.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Now go, butter knife, butter knife, because the panga guy
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: is dead because you shot.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: You must talk to him first. Hey, my man! It's ridiculous.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: That's what it is. Absolutely ridiculous. Asking questions, accusations. I
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: love the stories. You read them from the other side
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: of the world and it's madness, you know?
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Like Woolworths. Yeah, white people. Wanted to see how long
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: it would take you guys to get in the game. Welcome, welcome.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: You guys got your own little taste there, eh?
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: You're jumping in. Everything was flipped on its head white
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: people in the streets.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: That's just racism. This is racism. Some people were so hurt.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: How could you willies? What a crazy story. Woolworths had
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: a few jobs a few jobs they're expanding. Woolworths came
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: out and said ah it's Woolworths South Africa.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: We've got a few jobs opening up people who pack
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: boxes clean and stuff.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: You know only black people should apply. People are like what?
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: Well, that's racist. Like people were like, yeah, yeah.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Now you know how it feels.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, go away.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: It's our woolies now. Yeah. Enjoy checkers. Yeah. It's our jobs.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Only we can clean. All ours. Go away.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: Go and be a manager. How the hell did they
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: trick us into that? White people didn't even want those jobs.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Guys were slick about it weren't you guys are super slick.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah it's racist and then black people fought for it
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: yeah i'm gonna start doing that with everything can we
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: live in shacks no it's.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Our shack.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: It's ridiculous i missed all of this stuff i missed
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: it so much i didn't plan to be gone to
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: america for so long i thought i'd go for a
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: few months work for a bit and then come back
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: that's all i intended to do you know i stayed
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: for longer things went well so i worked and And
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: then I miss my people, because you don't plan these things.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: You miss everyone. There's no Indians in America. Well, I mean,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: there are, but not like our Indians. There you say Indian,
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: and they think you mean like....
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: It's a different world. There's no Indians.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: There's not even Afrikaans people there.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: I never thought I'd say that. I missed Afrikaans people.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Driving through the streets, and you're just like, oh, you know.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: And I'd pull out the traffic lights and I'd see,
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: I'd see like a big Afrikaans guy and he's bucky
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: and everything.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: And I'd turn and I'd be like, hey, freaky!
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: And he'd turn and roll down the window and be like,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: white boy, you gonna talk and bite my mouth, say
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: my word, I'll tell you what. I was like, ah, freaky,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: what happened? It's just so sad. I miss Afrikaans people, I...
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Ever since I found out I had a few Afrikaans fans,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: I won't lie, I judged early, and then I discovered
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: I had Afrikaans fans. I was in Bloemfontein, and I
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: was doing shows, and I'm walking through the streets, and
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: across the road, I just hear my name.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Some guy's like, Trevor! Trevor!
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, none of my friends talk
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: like that, so just keep walking, just keep walking, keep walking.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: And he's there, he's like, Trevor Noah! He's like, ah,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: he knows me, he knows me. And that was me,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: turn around, and I see him there. He's like, Trevor!
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Come here! He's a giant Afrikaans guy, young but huge.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: He's like, come here, man!
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: And in my head, I'm like, ah, okay, run, run.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Let's first run. But then I looked, and he had
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: those rugby thighs. I wasn't going to get away from him.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I've seen what those guys do to a banner.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Who am I, you know? I'm looking at the guy.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: I can't get away. I was like, he's like, Trevor!
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, whatever. You know, just go to him.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Just go to the guy.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: Worst case scenario, you know, I'd work for him for
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: a few years, and then, like... Gain his trust and
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: you know when the time is right, escape! And write
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: a book. But that's not what happened. I went to
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: him and I judged him. It was racist of me.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: I went to the guy and he was actually chilled.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: He was just Afrikaans.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: He was a fan. And he got there and he's like,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: oh Trevor! I must say for you, can I speak
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Afrikaans for you? Can I speak?
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: And Shaym, I felt so bad, you know, because he
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: was just nowhere and he was so happy.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, yeah, speak up for Khan, speak.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Big mistake, because I can't speak up for Khan like
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: he can.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: So he's like, now it's like, yeah, I feel like
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: I'm watching Noot for Noot, but there's no music.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: So I don't know anything that's going on. I'm like, yo,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: I don't, he's like, And I was like, oh, he's
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: a fan, he's a fan. And so I don't want
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: him to feel bad. And I don't want him to
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: know I can't speak Afrikaans. So I'm like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: And while we're chatting there.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Some other Afrikaans guy comes from the other side and
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: he's like, I was like, okay, this guy grabbed me,
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: he's like, He's like, He's like, And this guy comes
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: and he's like, And.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: They grab each other and the next thing you know,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: these two guys are wrestling in the street. I'm in
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: the middle of them shitting myself hard. Because I'm not small,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: but they make me feel tiny, these giant Afrikaans guys.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: I felt like Peter de Villiers in the change room.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: I'm there, panicking. Now I know why he talked like that.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: He was just scared. I don't know what to do.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to break up the fight in broken Afrikaans.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I thought I was going to die.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: So from then on, from then on, I promised myself,
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: I said, from now on, I'm not, I'm not going
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: to speak Afrikaans to anyone.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: All I'll do is I'll tell people I cannot speak Afrikaans.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I'll tell them.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: But then for some reason, I say it in Afrikaans.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: It's something a lot of people do. It's like a
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: useless phrase to learn. Everyone says that in different languages,
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: you know. So you see people going, yeah, we knew,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: we knew, yeah.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: We were under no illusion. It's not like after four years,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: we'll be like, ah, Gandhi, it wasn't Zulu. No, we knew.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: We knew all along. But we learned it in other languages.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I can say it in four languages. The phrase, I
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: cannot speak.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Your language, which is useless to learn because then by
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: virtue of the fact that you're not speaking the language,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: they will understand that you cannot speak their language. But
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: I'd walk around like a moron and I planned it
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: in my head.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: I don't speak African.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: He said, oh, yes, yes. Okay, okay, yes.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: I don't speak African.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: He said, no, I don't speak African. I said, Mario, Mario,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: you can speak, no, you can't speak like me.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: I said, hey, I don't speak like you, they said,
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: that I don't speak African, no.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: I don't speak like you, they said, I don't speak
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: like you. but I understand.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: He said, hey, understand or not understand.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: This is not my language and I can't speak it.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: This is not my problem. Do you understand?
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: If I say this, you can't put Afrikaans on my right.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: I say I can't speak it, then I can't speak it.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: He said, okay, okay, sorry, sorry. I said, yeah, man, okay,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: see you later. My friend was like, jeez Trev, what
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: the hell was that about? I was like, I don't know,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I don't speak Afrikaans.