Latest / MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose / Episode 156: Adult Kids: Send Help (with Dr. Kathy Koch)

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Episode 156: Adult Kids: Send Help (with Dr. Kathy Koch) · MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose

0:06
[SPEAKER_00]: This is Cynthia Gannoff and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.
0:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey friends, welcome.
0:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so glad you're here with us and we have Dr. Kathy with us.
0:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And by the way, just if you're wondering it's Kathy Cook, ask me how I know.
0:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, we're going to talk it on the podcast.
0:25
[SPEAKER_00]: But on one of my other podcasts, called SideTrack, I one time referenced her as Dr. Koch, K.O.C.H.
0:33
[SPEAKER_00]: is how it spelled instead of Dr. Cook.
0:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I also said I did not think she was living any longer.
0:38
[SPEAKER_00]: and well we're gonna start off top of the show today talking about that and it's a good thing she's got a hilarious sense of humor and she is so much fun she has a new book out Dr. Kathy does called a resolve conflict and find peace and hope with adult children and it's really good it's like a handbook on walking through life with adult children
0:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, I'm thrilled that she's here and in fact I'm really thrilled that she's here because she's coming back in a few weeks and we're going to talk about another book she wrote that I love about finding the different kind of smarts your kids have.
1:10
[SPEAKER_00]: So she's going to be back, but as we're talking about adult children, it seems Afropo that I tell you that the next few weeks we are going to be off on this show.
1:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm taking a few weeks off.
1:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And at first I was going to say, oh, rest in relaxation, and then I realize, no, that's not even close to truth.
1:26
[SPEAKER_00]: We are going to go on vacation.
1:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're listening to this right now, we are in Utah and enjoying some nice cooler weather in Park City.
1:35
[SPEAKER_00]: But after that, it is back and it is get one kid moved to law school and one kid moved to college and one end elementary school with his school supplies and hopefully a new backpack.
1:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
1:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't remember what you do for back to school when you have a fourth grader because I haven't done it so long.
1:51
[SPEAKER_00]: But you know, we're going to do all those things and so I'm going to take a little bit of time.
1:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm speaking quite a bit right now.
1:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to do a little bit of speaking.
1:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to do a little bit of moving kids and a little bit of relaxing and then we will be back.
2:02
[SPEAKER_00]: right around Labor Day.
2:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've already taped some shows I cannot wait for you to hear.
2:07
[SPEAKER_00]: We have some other scheduled that I'll be taping in the next few weeks.
2:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And so let me just tell you false going to be fun.
2:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I also have told you and been talking about this the last of a week, but I am praying about some changes to the podcast.
2:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And so again, if you have not already signed up for an email through my website, sent the againoff.com.
2:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Will you do that?
2:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I am going to send out a survey and ask for some opinions and some thoughts.
2:30
[SPEAKER_00]: for how we proceed going forward in the fall.
2:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'd love for you to do that.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Last thing, I promise, last thing.
2:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I am filling up my speaking schedule.
2:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I've got a few spots left in the fall and then a few in the spring.
2:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I would love to speak in your town, especially if you are in Lubbock or College Station, one of the places where my kids are, and then obviously Dallas, but I'm gonna be going to all different states.
2:57
[SPEAKER_00]: six, eight months and speaking different places.
2:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're church, your organization, whatever it is, if they have a need for a speaker, I would love to come and talk to you, and there's a whole lot of different topics.
3:08
[SPEAKER_00]: So just go to my website again, Cynthia Getoff.com, and you can find information there.
3:12
[SPEAKER_00]: and fill out a request.
3:14
[SPEAKER_00]: So those are all the announcements, all the things.
3:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm excited today that we have Dr. Kathy Koch, just kidding.
3:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Kathy Cook with us, who is alive and well and full of wisdom.
3:26
[SPEAKER_00]: So here we go, kick it in off, see y'all in a couple weeks.
3:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Kathy Cook, how are you?
3:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm fabulous because I'm here with you.
3:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You're so sweet.
3:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you may not think that.
3:40
[SPEAKER_00]: This may be the shortest interview ever after I tell you the story.
3:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And I warned you that I have a funny story.
3:46
[SPEAKER_00]: It's anyone's guess if you're going to think it's as funny as I did in the moment.
3:50
[SPEAKER_00]: But here we go.
3:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you ready?
3:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I think so.
3:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so I have a different podcast that's kind of comedy-based and another good friend.
3:59
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a strong Christian and so we talk at all kinds of different things and we were talking a while back about my youngest that we adopted from foster care and he has lots of learning struggles and I was just saying how someone had recommended your other book, a great smarts and we were just kind of talking about that.
4:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Well,
4:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I won, kept saying, everyone needs a copy of this book by Dr. Koch.
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: About 20 times.
4:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, well, obviously it's cook and it's not Koch, although in my defense, it is spelled a little different for cook, right?
4:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, absolutely.
4:36
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why you can go by Dr. Kathy professionally because my last name is hard.
4:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, well, I mean, my last name is Janalf, so you get no judgment from me, but I can't preferencing you as Dr. Codge, but this, it gets worse.
4:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I said, man, I wish we could talk to her, but I believe she's been deceased for quite a while.
4:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And,
4:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And my co-host is like, oh, yeah, that sounds right.
5:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So we've finished the podcast, okay?
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We've killed you off, Dr. Lodge.
5:05
[SPEAKER_00]: If you will, we've butchered your name and we've made you deceased.
5:11
[SPEAKER_00]: You should have seen the DMs and the emails that came in.
5:16
[SPEAKER_00]: You have a huge, huge support system.
5:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone's like, she's not dead.
5:22
[SPEAKER_00]: She's not dead.
5:24
[SPEAKER_00]: her name is cook like cooking the kitchen.
5:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean I am not sure I've ever gotten more feedback than when I butcher your name and or killed you off.
5:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm I appreciate that I do have tremendous followers and tremendous friends to the ministry.
5:40
[SPEAKER_01]: That's so funny.
5:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I am laughing.
5:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you're glad to know that.
5:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I felt like I really wanted you on my other podcast to come on so that we could be like, she's alive, look, it's a miracle.
5:53
[SPEAKER_00]: But I just needed to go.
5:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I know.
5:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But I decided for now, I had to have you, and we had to talk out this new book, because it's so good and so relevant.
6:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna click side note.
6:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Were you on, were you, you were, I'm pretty sure, but you were in a Kurt Cameron movie on social media, right?
6:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I've been in two movies with him.
6:11
[SPEAKER_01]: The movie Connect.
6:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
6:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, that's what's the other one?
6:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Home school awakening.
6:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, because the connect I saw with my, they were teens at the time.
6:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now it's even funnier that I didn't piece together exactly who you work, because I saw that in the theater.
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: So anyway, great movie and great information on social media.
6:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So okay, with all of that being said, tell everybody who you are, where you are in life and let them hear your living, alive, and breathing voice.
6:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I am alive and breathing.
6:42
[SPEAKER_01]: So Dr. Kathy Cook, it is spelled KOCH.
6:45
[SPEAKER_01]: If people try to find me on social media or online book distributor place that I don't need to mention, but I go about Dr. Kathy professionally partly because of that.
6:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm in a she's 35 years old.
6:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm an author of nine books eight of those with moody one of those with summit ministries and I'm a speaker I speak weekly around the nation bend the 30 countries 50 states work with parents teachers kids of all ages pro life.
7:11
[SPEAKER_01]: youth pastor training, all kinds of things museum of the Bible.
7:15
[SPEAKER_01]: We're just grateful to do what we do, we're busy.
7:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Part of me, which is that celebrate kids did not need to exist, because kids were being celebrated, and the family was functional.
7:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But you know what I know, and that is that there are real needs out there, and that's why I try to step into the space that God's called me to, and make a difference, and it's a joy.
7:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you're doing amazing things.
7:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And I always like to say this before a record, I've got to tell you, someone tell you now, I'm looking at my questions or notes on my other screens, so don't think I'm bored.
7:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm with you here, okay, Kathy?
7:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I was listening on a different podcast.
7:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually, I think on focus.
7:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know you've been there several times.
7:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I was on focus this last year.
7:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I was like, well, I'm going to catch her there because I know they ask lots of great questions and they're well researched.
7:58
[SPEAKER_00]: But,
7:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
7:59
[SPEAKER_00]: You talked a little they said like they referred you as someone that's a big researcher and I like how you kind of corrected that a little bit.
8:06
[SPEAKER_00]: You said I'm kind of an observational researcher.
8:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm I'm looking around and seeing what's happening and stepping into those spaces and I thought that's a really profound way.
8:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, to, to word it, but also profound way to do ministry and to write books is you're just watching what's happening, and I was just curious if someone asked you, I guess me asking you like, what are you watching, what are you observing right now when it comes to family relationships, what's on your radar?
8:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
8:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I appreciate you bringing that up.
8:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I do enjoy watching culture and observing patterns that are there and.
8:40
[SPEAKER_01]: changes that occur because of tech or any other number of reasons.
8:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And certainly we're seeing the family dysfunction.
8:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I wrote this book for parents of adult kids because the multi-generational biblical worldview family is falling apart and it makes me sad and it's not God's intent.
8:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I am certainly concerned like probably everybody else about technologies used by the parents actually.
9:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm concerned for preteens and teens and even young children who are handed a device when they squirm just like it's a pacifier.
9:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And but my concern is really with the moms and the dads that are distracted by their own tech use, which is why their kids feel less important at home, which we can't afford to have happen because then they act out in a variety of ways, so that's huge, you know, observations in the church about, you know, is the church relevant, are we ministering, hoping healing to people the way that God would want us to we could talk all day about that.
9:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
9:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
9:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, that's why she writes so many books you guys as I say often when people write a lot of books I wrote two and it nearly sent me to the grave Profound how you're doing this, but the book we're talking out today, which I mentioned in the intro But it's resolve conflict and find peace and hope with adult children Strategies and I can't say strategies apparently cut that Kate Strategies and conversations that work
10:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was so interesting because I was reading through this in preparation for this interview.
10:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And I went to lunch with my friends and I lunch with every week on Wednesday.
10:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And I started telling them some of the premises from the book.
10:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And then they're like, do you have it?
10:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Handy, I'm like, it's in my car.
10:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So then I went in and got it.
10:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I started reading my highlighted quotes.
10:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And then my friends ordered it.
10:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's so great.
10:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we're doing this with adult, a lot of us, many of us are doing life with adult children and for my age group, I mean, I've got I've got a little one, but I've got to a college age and post-grad and so we're trying to figure out how to do this well and if you don't have kids that age and you're listening, it's coming and it's coming fast and so let's talk for just a minute about something that I thought was really smart and you said you're always going to have the title of being a parent
10:52
[SPEAKER_00]: But then you reference how there's parent is a noun and then parent is a verb and this the importance of transitioning out of parent as a verb talk to us about
11:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It's challenging, isn't it?
11:06
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, you'll always be a parent, your kid'll always be a child, those don't change, but we don't peer into adult children.
11:12
[SPEAKER_01]: They find it very disrespectful, they feel immature and they're almost desperate to mature up at this phase in their lives.
11:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, we parents when we're invited to.
11:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So if your adult child reaches out to you and says, hey, mom, I really need some advice about kitchen appliances.
11:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you were recently bought a new oven.
11:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Where should I go?
11:32
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, then you step into that and you're grateful that they care about your opinion and your wisdom.
11:37
[SPEAKER_01]: But if they don't invite you into the parent moment, then you guide and you comfort and you cheer.
11:44
[SPEAKER_01]: You may be correct if they give your permission to do that.
11:47
[SPEAKER_01]: You influence, you mentor, you support.
11:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So you listen longer, you speak up when you believe that you must or you've been invited to otherwise silence works really well.
11:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And because you know what, we have to let them struggle.
12:02
[SPEAKER_01]: We have to actually let them learn how to rise up out of value experiences.
12:06
[SPEAKER_01]: We can't overprotect them.
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: We can't command them.
12:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure we ever really could command them, but we sure can't command them now.
12:13
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not going to go well.
12:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, Dr. Kathy, I'm phenomenal and parenting.
12:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So I really don't think my adult children want me to back out, joking obviously.
12:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't we all feel that?
12:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Like my friends and I were talking out this yesterday when we were talking at your book, right?
12:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But we have such good ideas.
12:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And we've seen so much life.
12:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And we know better.
12:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was reading this quote, though, as we were talking through this and talking out how hard it is.
12:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And you say, if you don't choose to transition to a new role as a guide coach and an influencer, chances are your children may resent you and decide to distance themselves from you.
12:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
12:52
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a real truth, right?
12:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It is.
12:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's hired as moms, love bean moms, most moms, love bean moms, and especially if you have been a very involved mom, if you might even say, and don't stop listening, but if you have over-parented,
13:09
[SPEAKER_01]: and overprotected, and Ben, a helicopter mom thinking that it was the right thing to do.
13:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And oftentimes, it was an okay thing to do.
13:16
[SPEAKER_01]: You reminded them about a soccer child.
13:19
[SPEAKER_01]: You reminded them about a test.
13:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You said, hey, grab your lunch.
13:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And at that moment, they were grateful that you were supportive and that you were invested and involved.
13:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Now they can't afford for you to be that involved.
13:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Now they want to become independent.
13:32
[SPEAKER_01]: They want to observe you, but not be controlled by you.
13:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So you need to be able to back away and not go on the app that tells you where they are every moment of every day.
13:45
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, not ask how every day at work was.
13:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And you miss them.
13:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Like they used to live with you.
13:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You used to know everything.
13:51
[SPEAKER_01]: You used to cook every meal.
13:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So you legitimately miss them.
13:54
[SPEAKER_01]: You can be sad.
13:55
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's not your place.
13:57
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to understand you're more than a mom, you're more than a dad.
14:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And you need to let them mature and stay like the best scenario is that you learn to guide and that way they'll care about your guidance, but if you don't make that shift as I say in the book, they may choose to distance themselves and that is a reason that they are back in a way from their parents sadly.
14:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, is there an age delineation like you have a mind for this like because I I have a 23 year old and a 19 year old and so everything in me wants to say okay you're right on the 23 year old but the 19 year old I still I mean I'm not saying that's right but I think we all in our minds were like yeah, but I agree with you 100% Dr. Kathy but you don't know like what what age are you are you kind of speaking into for us?
14:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm really not.
14:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just interesting.
14:48
[SPEAKER_01]: In fact, you might know in the book, I never define adulthood.
14:52
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
14:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
14:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's post-high school.
14:55
[SPEAKER_01]: They might still be living with you for legit reasons or they might not, but it's somebody who's moved on.
14:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's somebody who is independently beginning to live life, either educationally or in a career or in a relationship, heading into marriage.
15:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we've got it back off, you know, it doesn't mean that you're a bad mom or that your ideas are relevant.
15:13
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the way, if you back off, you're saying, hey, I trust you.
15:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And everybody needs that where they discover my mom and dad believe that I can figure this out.
15:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, that's amazing.
15:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're going to be more comfortable to say, hey, thanks, or again, to call an expert wisdom.
15:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So I don't delineate it.
15:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, I would say, if you're peeing for college,
15:37
[SPEAKER_01]: If you are loaning that money, there's a whole idea with all kinds of stuff in the book.
15:42
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're loaning money, you have a right to see a bank statement.
15:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that maybe it's not chronological age that determines our involvement.
15:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It's how involved are we, that determines how involved we're allowed to be, if that makes any sense.
15:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Totally makes sense.
15:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
15:58
[SPEAKER_00]: You talk about not allowing your kids or not making your kids an idol.
16:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is probably not a new thought to people in terms of just, I mean, I've thought that I've heard that since my kids were little like, don't make him an idol.
16:12
[SPEAKER_00]: But you really, what I thought was really again, not to ever use profound, but how you kind of spelled out what it looks like when they have become an idol to us.
16:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what does that actually look like?
16:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's what the harm is.
16:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's what it fixes, like you kind of break it down.
16:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow, thanks for affirming the content to the book.
16:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I really appreciate that.
16:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So one of the things I write about is that if you idolize your children, you'll know it, because if they have a bad day, you have a bad day.
16:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And if they have a great day, you have a great day.
16:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So your joy is dependent upon their choices.
16:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And what children have told me, Dr. Kathy, the pressure is unbelievable.
16:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I have had both young women and young men say that they're aware that the decisions they make devastate their moms in particular and therefore they can't talk with their moms about hard things for fear that their moms will be so disappointed.
17:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And that means that now you don't have an opportunity to influence the 19 year old.
17:15
[SPEAKER_01]: because you've put the 19-year-old under so much pressure that he can't share with you when he is struggling with the relationship or with schooling or with work or with church or with the Lord.
17:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So be careful of that.
17:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't, and we're supposed to be, I mean, we were created to worship, right?
17:32
[SPEAKER_01]: We were created to worship, let's just put that on the table.
17:34
[SPEAKER_01]: We're created to worship.
17:35
[SPEAKER_01]: We have to worship someone or something and we're supposed to be worshiping God.
17:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
17:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And if our children feel like we replace God with them,
17:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, good heavens.
17:45
[SPEAKER_01]: No wonder they feel like they're the center of their own universe because we've treated them like they are.
17:50
[SPEAKER_01]: No, do they hear us pray to God?
17:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Do they hear us celebrate our relationship with Christ?
17:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Do they hear us worship?
17:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Do they see us pour into the Word of God?
17:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Do they see that?
18:00
[SPEAKER_01]: That's our priority and we're going to sacrifice.
18:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Other things because we haven't spent much time with guide yet today, so, so, so important.
18:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Another thing I write about in chapter one because it sets the stage is that we need to make sure that our security is in Christ, not our children's behavior.
18:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Our identity is increased more than I am a mom or a dad.
18:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Our belonging is increased more than I belong to my children.
18:25
[SPEAKER_01]: My purpose is increased to glorify God to put Jesus on display, to become like Christ, to evangelize the loss, to disciple the found.
18:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Our purpose is increased more than I am a mom.
18:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Although being a mom is so important, I know that.
18:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Otherwise, celebrate kids wouldn't be the ministry God's called me too.
18:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And then our competence, what do I do well, is also in Christ, all things through God.
18:49
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me in our competences.
18:54
[SPEAKER_01]: God's love allows me to love, and God's compassion allows me to be compassionate.
18:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't forget that, and I can't look at my kids and say, well, I'm securing them, and my identity is all about them, and I belong to them, and my purpose is to raise them.
19:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And my competence is, I'm a great mom.
19:09
[SPEAKER_01]: If you have been meeting your needs in your children, this is why letting them go and releasing them to God who loves them more than you do is almost an impossibility.
19:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And I
19:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I get that and this is not judgmental.
19:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want that to come across this judgmental.
19:25
[SPEAKER_01]: This is why I wrote the book to help people understand why is this transition so hard?
19:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I knew that I was raising them to let them fly at one point.
19:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Why is it so hard?
19:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Your great parents, or it wouldn't be hard, but I hope that the book helps.
19:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, it's, yeah.
19:41
[SPEAKER_00]: It's, it's so good, everyone.
19:43
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so helpful.
19:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, the name of it is resolve conflict and fine peace and hope with adult children.
19:50
[SPEAKER_00]: You talk about the core needs we all have.
19:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're not going to spend a lot of time on them because y'all can read the book and there's a lot.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But basically, number one is security.
19:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Who can I trust?
20:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Number two is identity.
20:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Who am I?
20:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Number three is belonging, who wants me.
20:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Number four is purpose.
20:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Why am I alive?
20:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And number five is competence.
20:11
[SPEAKER_00]: What do I do well?
20:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And these are the core needs that we all have.
20:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And you talk a lot about, we need to be careful not to meet these needs and unhealthy ways.
20:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And in the wrong order, because what happens is we start meeting them through our children rather than through the Lord.
20:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to us just about these core needs.
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to go through necessarily each one, but just the importance of recognizing we all have them, and that we're filling in with something somehow.
20:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, no, I appreciate the follow-up to what I had just said.
20:45
[SPEAKER_01]: They are core.
20:46
[SPEAKER_01]: You'll find them in the teaching of Christ.
20:48
[SPEAKER_01]: You'll find them in the book of Ephesians.
20:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I believe that these are wired into us.
20:52
[SPEAKER_01]: The need for these five things is wired into us when God makes us us.
20:56
[SPEAKER_01]: so that we'll find him because our security has to be in Jesus.
21:00
[SPEAKER_01]: He is the truth and he is the way in the life.
21:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And God who created us how much more would he be willing to do for us.
21:06
[SPEAKER_01]: But what if we put our security and our popularity?
21:09
[SPEAKER_01]: What if we put our security and I'm a great mom?
21:11
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're security is I'm a great mom.
21:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I pray you're a great mom.
21:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I pray that you are grateful for that, equipping from the Lord and that your children have been responsive and obedient.
21:21
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you put your
21:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Then no wonder it's hard for you to let them go because then you don't know, well, what, what can I trust is, is scariest.
21:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Who can I trust?
21:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm identity.
21:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm popular.
21:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, then you have to be popular.
21:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So then you have to be the good mom.
21:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you have to be the yes mom.
21:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And now you're free to let your kid be upset with you because you cut them off financially and make them buy their own phone when they're phone breaks.
21:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, no, you've always bought my phone before.
21:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, yeah, but now you're 24 and you have a job.
21:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can buy your own phone, whatever.
21:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And then belonging, belonging, again, to Christ.
21:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, we're a mom, we're a dad, we're a grandparents, we're a sibling, we're an aunt.
21:58
[SPEAKER_01]: These family relationships matter tremendously
22:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, to Christ because he's the one that, you know, I could just, and I wrote a whole book on this.
22:10
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how important it is.
22:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Five to thrive is my book where I unpack this model.
22:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And then again, purpose, yeah, purpose to glorify God.
22:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the ways we glorify God is by parenting well.
22:22
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, we, it's, we don't, we don't glorify our children.
22:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Like Christ should sustain us, right?
22:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And then cabinets, what do I do?
22:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Well,
22:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, do we rely on the word and do we rely on prayer and do we rely on the presence of the Lord or do we rely on ourselves?
22:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, I'm a great mom.
22:39
[SPEAKER_01]: We're more than that.
22:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
22:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I think that really, that really hits when you think about how we all have these cornneeds.
22:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And we are going to fill them with something.
22:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's so easy.
22:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And I like that you speak from a place of grace, because we're all trying to do the best we can in the moment.
22:55
[SPEAKER_00]: We can, and our kids are so consuming,
23:02
[SPEAKER_00]: easy to let this get reversed a little bit and I love that you're saying like okay we're not beating ourselves up you say this over and over in the book we're not beating ourselves up for what we didn't do well yesterday or didn't know yesterday but today we know this and today we have the opportunity to make change.
23:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for pointing that out.
23:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It's very important to me.
23:22
[SPEAKER_01]: We know what we know, and we don't know what we don't know.
23:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things that's really hard, I think we look back with today's wisdom.
23:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So we look back and we judge ourselves harshly.
23:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And I write in the book about the danger of being a what if, if only parent.
23:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, what if we would have put them in a Christian school?
23:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, if only I would have realized how unhealthy that boyfriend was.
23:43
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, if only I would have stopped traveling and I would have been available.
23:46
[SPEAKER_01]: No, don't stop judging yourself.
23:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not necessarily true that you're at fault here.
23:51
[SPEAKER_01]: If you've got dysfunctional adult kids, and don't look back with today's wisdom, you know, I was so foolish.
23:58
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you were the best parent.
23:59
[SPEAKER_01]: You knew how to be when you were that parent.
24:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And now, praise God for podcasts and books and even a sermon series that's relevant.
24:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And now, you can say to your kid, hey, you're the guinea pig, you've always been the guinea pig.
24:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm so sorry that I didn't know more when maybe I could have, but I didn't.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And it is what it is.
24:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And can you forgive me and can we move forward?
24:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not even sure you sinned.
24:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't even know if forgiveness is necessary.
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I, you know, sometimes I don't think that's the case.
24:24
[SPEAKER_01]: We were just naive or we were unaware.
24:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
24:27
[SPEAKER_00]: What's your declaration of release that you talk about?
24:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It is a statement that allows us to put our kids in God's hands.
24:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
24:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It's what would allow us cognitive emotionally to not
24:45
[SPEAKER_01]: feel responsible for every decision our kids are making, whether they still live in our home or not.
24:51
[SPEAKER_01]: It's something I've had readers tell me that they read it every day out loud.
24:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I've had people tell me that they have typed it out and that it's a screen saver.
25:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It's an idea that I release my kids to you.
25:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the statements in the releases that I do not need to be the one to rescue them.
25:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I think what a beautiful prayer to pray that God would surround our children with others who know him.
25:17
[SPEAKER_01]: See, again, it's your idolizing yourself if you think that you're the one who has to bring them back to the Lord or back from the brink of a drug abuse or financial ridiculousness, it's not about you.
25:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's a statement that allows our heart to be free from the burden
25:37
[SPEAKER_01]: of feeling responsible for our children's choices.
25:40
[SPEAKER_01]: When in fact, we are not responsible.
25:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
25:43
[SPEAKER_00]: You talk about over parenting.
25:45
[SPEAKER_00]: We can already hit on that a little bit.
25:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is something that got me and my friend just shared lunch.
25:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Do they need you or do you need to be needed?
25:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Ooh.
25:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, Dr. Kathy, be kind to us here.
26:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Really.
26:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And you mentioned you alluded to this earlier, too, but you talk about how the more we helicopter kids, the more they will likely disengage later.
26:10
[SPEAKER_00]: But you also say it and all of that's enough to make me pause.
26:13
[SPEAKER_00]: But you say this, too.
26:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we depriving them of how the Lord wants to use them and how the Lord is going to work in their story?
26:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And as you were saying then, I was thinking about that too.
26:24
[SPEAKER_00]: The places that I want to jump in, I want to air quote help.
26:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to keep them from the fall.
26:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't mean like, you know, when they're little and we just want to make sure they're in the right, they're on the right soccer team.
26:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, as an adult, you want to step in.
26:38
[SPEAKER_00]: But then,
26:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And are we depriving them of what the Lord has for their lives?
26:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, I think many of us are greatest fear could be that they disengage with us.
26:48
[SPEAKER_00]: We all want our kids to want to be with us.
26:50
[SPEAKER_00]: But I would just suggest that our biggest fear should be more than just they disengage.
26:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Our biggest fear is that they don't see God's full provision in their lives and his story to play out how God intended.
27:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, just thoughts on that.
27:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, man, you know, you're summarizing key points beautifully.
27:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so delighted that you and your friends haven't enjoyed the book.
27:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, we do need to let God has his way with them.
27:15
[SPEAKER_01]: We, you know, when I ask an audience, how many of you have benefited from your valley experiences?
27:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Every hand goes up.
27:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, in the moment, we didn't like the valley necessarily, but that's where our faith grows because we find Jesus in the valley.
27:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's where our character develops, that's this is John, I mean, it's Romans chapter five and James chapter one, both of those passages James one two through four and Romans five three through five teach us that Our hope and our endurance and our faith comes from the challenge.
27:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So some of us have graduated into adulthood fragile children we didn't intend to.
27:54
[SPEAKER_01]: But if I could be honest, again, they're fragile because we over-parented.
27:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And we didn't let them spill their mouth.
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: We didn't let them forget about a math test.
28:02
[SPEAKER_01]: We didn't let them be laid for work.
28:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And so they had a relatively easy life.
28:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, you weren't doing anything wrong in the moment.
28:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You didn't think that you were.
28:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, though, can they manage their time, and can they manage their appearance, and can they handle their workload?
28:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, this is why we have to step away.
28:24
[SPEAKER_01]: text every day and you let them tell you the things that they want to tell you and you pray up a storm and you pray that God would would give them the opportunity to learn what he would want them to learn at this point in time.
28:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and at the end of the story, you always, I want the rescue to, I want my kids to see the rescue was from him and not from me.
28:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
28:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
28:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Because otherwise they'll be securing you.
28:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
28:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're not always available.
28:49
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not a good place to be.
28:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't be security.
28:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Be secure in the Lord.
28:53
[SPEAKER_01]: No, because we're in perfect.
28:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're not as available and we don't understand everything, but for them to pray and to go to God and to find a group of Christians, even if it isn't a church,
29:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And to care deeply, yeah, absolutely pray that for your kids that they would choose to rely on God.
29:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
29:17
[SPEAKER_00]: You talk about just practically create a life that doesn't revolve around your children.
29:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's so important when they're younger, when they're in high school, but really even as adults and or grandchildren someday, I don't have any of those, but God willing one day, but you say very practically invest in a new hobby.
29:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, let's just take these for a moment, everyone, investing in a hobby, volunteer, join a Bible study.
29:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was thinking through those things, it's so easy to be consumed with our kids and not just feel like there's not time for these other things.
29:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think you would argue in your book, you don't have time to not have these other things in your life, right?
30:00
[SPEAKER_01]: That's well stated.
30:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, I understand why in the throes of parenting,
30:05
[SPEAKER_01]: and marriage, let's put marriage first, if you're privileged to be married.
30:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And then perhaps you had a career outside of the home or you're a very busy volunteer or whatever.
30:13
[SPEAKER_01]: But no, take care of yourself.
30:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Rest, develop your own routines.
30:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, life cannot just be about the role of mom.
30:25
[SPEAKER_01]: First of all, your identity is in Christ.
30:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, yeah, wife, ideally husband, mom, dad, sister,
30:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Uncle Brother, volunteer at church.
30:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, I'm the one that's helping my neighbor who had knee surgery, can't guard it and she loves your garden.
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm gonna weed it for her just because I love her and I want her to be encouraged.
30:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm gonna volunteer at the nursing home every other Tuesday.
30:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, let's have a rich life.
30:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think again, the transition to this stage of parenting is challenging for those of you who have been 100% in it.
31:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'll also say I'm a fan of home schooling.
31:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Home school moms and dads have a harder time sometimes transitioning because they were with their kids if you will 24, 7.
31:10
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, isn't this what's supposed to happen that we lodge them into independence?
31:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I think if you're listening and you haven't done it yet, you can be doing some things now when they're 10 and 14 and 17 so that the transition isn't as jarring to you or to them.
31:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
31:27
[SPEAKER_00]: We were talking about when you're
31:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Discussing things with your adult children, you're having conversations.
31:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And by the way, there's a whole section we're not going to talk about, but about hot topics, politics, all those kind of things.
31:38
[SPEAKER_00]: But, and she talks about how to cover that.
31:41
[SPEAKER_00]: What's your motivation in doing it?
31:43
[SPEAKER_00]: There's lots to think about.
31:44
[SPEAKER_00]: But just generally in communicating with adults, I like that you said, consider eye statements and use statements, right?
31:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, how are you communicating with them?
31:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And instead of you do this, you do that.
31:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm seeing, or I'm feeling, talk to us a little bit about that, because I think that covers a whole lot of things when we're talking to our kids if we just approach it in a way.
32:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say kids, I mean grown it, grown, grown kids.
32:09
[SPEAKER_00]: But how should we look at that communication style?
32:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I appreciate that a lot.
32:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And it can start, of course, when they're younger and we can develop the habit.
32:17
[SPEAKER_01]: But right, if I say, you know, you make me worried when you don't follow through.
32:22
[SPEAKER_01]: That's very accusatory.
32:25
[SPEAKER_01]: you make me worried.
32:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, nobody can really make us worry.
32:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That's our choice.
32:28
[SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, or you disappointment when you disappoint me when you don't follow through versus I am concerned when I don't hear from you after you told me that you would let me know how the interview went.
32:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Or I am disappointed that you forgot to let me know how the interview went because you told me that you would.
32:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I want to say to every mom and dad of adult kids who's listening, you have a right to your disappointment.
32:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So I am disappointed or I feel disappointed.
32:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I statement is less accusatory, and there's some integrity in there.
32:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So I am hurt when you say, you know, you have said no to three invitations in a row and I'm hurt.
33:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought that we had a good relationship and that you value our community here at home or whatever you would say.
33:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I feel hurt or I am hurt.
33:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You have a right to that versus you hurt me when you say, you know again.
33:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
33:21
[SPEAKER_01]: That's, whoa, that's going to cause, you know, the adult child to react badly.
33:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And we don't need to add that to the pain.
33:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So I feel or I am disappointed or I am worried when versus you worry me or you disappoint me or you hurt me.
33:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, at the end of each chapter you guys just so you know, because you're going to need this book, she has a now what, and there's all kinds of like just really practically things to look at.
33:48
[SPEAKER_00]: To consider like face to face invitation script if you're talking about inviting them over.
33:53
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a 73 agreement map if you're talking on hot topics.
33:56
[SPEAKER_00]: There's just really good practical tips on how to do it.
34:01
[SPEAKER_00]: kids moving back home, maybe they didn't leave.
34:04
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a whole lot on that.
34:05
[SPEAKER_00]: But this is what I thought was, I thought a lot was interesting, but I thought this was worth hitting.
34:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And I still, I want to be respectful of your time.
34:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're not going to be able to get to it all, everyone.
34:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But our, a lot of kids are moving back home.
34:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, might have been home for the summer.
34:19
[SPEAKER_00]: They're in between college and law school.
34:23
[SPEAKER_00]: So they've been kind of around, but then I know a lot of their friends are moving back home, and I appreciate it that you said that can make a lot of sense financially for kids and and that that's not something we all have to, you know, that doesn't mean we've got the failure to launch and great, they're going to live in our basement forever, yet with the calm and miss and all the same thing, that's a word, with how calm and it's become that, um,
34:48
[SPEAKER_00]: There's some conflict that naturally happens, right?
34:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And so how important it is to be respectful in the communications, but also have boundaries on that.
34:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Just any high-level thoughts on that for all of us that have kids that are either coming back, waiting with their new job, or they're coming back in between semesters, that kind of thing.
35:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me say I'm really glad that you mentioned that it's not necessary that we are they have failed a lot of our adults children are coming back home because the economy is such that even with a good degree and a good job.
35:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They can't afford to live in a safe place in the community.
35:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is just reality.
35:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So we need to make sure that we're not judging ourselves or them, and that wouldn't you rather have them come home and then to go live in a dump.
35:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So ideally, if you can say yes, I hope that you can say yes.
35:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And I would certainly suggest conversations about basic things.
35:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, are there still choice for them to do?
35:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes or no?
35:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you expect them to have dinner with you and if they're not able to make it, do you think do they need to let you know the night before are they or welcome if they have a girlfriend boyfriend are they welcome in the home to just spontaneously stop by you know and again so and the use of the use of space like can you just be a slab and hang out on the living room or is that dad space and you need to watch.
36:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, a device in your bedroom, I so I know of some families who never talk about any of that and they just work it out, they just start to live together and then they set up kind of conversations that create boundaries other families make a written contract because their kids have disappointed them in the past.
36:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, some parents do that.
36:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like for six months, we're going to allow you to live here rent free so that you can build up your bank account so that you can eventually be able to move back out, which means that every other month.
36:29
[SPEAKER_01]: We will be looking at your bank account.
36:31
[SPEAKER_01]: We want to see that the savings account is actually growing.
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, you know, again, you would have that right.
36:36
[SPEAKER_01]: You would have a right to ask them about the new car they bought or, you know, a new device that shows up when they're supposed to be saving money.
36:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I may can be complicated, it doesn't have to be it doesn't but here's the thing, to recognize that there are adults, to recognize that they expect respect and you need to expect respect as well, which does that feel like and look like.
37:04
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, you still guide and you still influence and you still coach.
37:08
[SPEAKER_01]: and you only parent when invited to do so.
37:10
[SPEAKER_01]: That's still what have to be part of the understanding and you have that conversation.
37:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I already know of some families where before the adult child moved back home, the adult child read this book with the parents.
37:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
37:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And discuss it.
37:22
[SPEAKER_01]: It is a book that the adult children can read if they're willing to humble themselves and do so.
37:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, that's, I didn't even thought about that angle and that's really, that would be really good.
37:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And things to read with your, to read with your adult kids.
37:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, okay, I have a thousand other things we could talk about but I just want you to know everyone, this is your cliffhanger because these are things I wanted to talk about that we're not going to.
37:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, there's discussions on visiting our adult children.
37:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, hint hint, ask for permission, don't show up.
37:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, there's section on Mary Kid's spouses, conflicts.
37:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Holidays gift-giving.
37:58
[SPEAKER_00]: There's discussions on grandkids and how to operate that and babysitting and all of that all of it so good One of my favorite things that you said that I keep going back to is said You said be satisfied with what you have not always looking for more wanting more
38:15
[SPEAKER_00]: out of our adult children, I thought that was really, that's a good thought, just across the board.
38:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Be satisfied with what you have, somebody else would love to have the relationship you have with your child.
38:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, but here's what I wanted to end on.
38:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I was looking at something on this podcast while back, and I was looking at what was the highest downloaded show.
38:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought it would be, I don't know, just frankly, I thought it would be maybe the times that someone kind of famous has been on here or whatever, but the one that has the highest downloads or it did as a couple months ago was a couple years ago, we talked about prodigals and how hard it is with.
38:54
[SPEAKER_00]: prodigal kids when they just aren't walking the road that you raised in the walk that you prayed for them all of that.
39:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I thought let's end on that because apparently that resonated and you talk about prodigals and we could go for hours, but but we won't.
39:11
[SPEAKER_00]: So what what is your if someone's listening and they're like, listen, I've felt like I did everything.
39:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I've made some mistakes.
39:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I would do anything devour relationship with my
39:20
[SPEAKER_01]: child or I do have a relationship with them but man they are not following the Lord or they're whatever it is fill in the blank thoughts on that no I'm glad that you brought it up there's a whole chapter on the prodigals it is really hard again be careful of looking back and assuming that it is your fault you might have totally done what we would recommend you do which is bring them to church send them to church camp
39:45
[SPEAKER_01]: take them to VBS when they're little and involve them in a good youth group, maybe to even send them to a Christian School of Christian College.
39:51
[SPEAKER_01]: They have free well, and what we need to all understand is the culture is louder than it's ever been.
39:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Social media is a real threat, so it's gaming because it just causes us to isolate and we become self-centered in selfish and it's all about us winning a game and we waste our time and we're not stewards of things and so
40:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You could have been the best parent on God's green earth and your kids can still be influenced by so many other people.
40:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And to not be harsh towards yourself, in some of you, raise kids before you were a vibrant believer.
40:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And so again, be careful.
40:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not, this is not about you.
40:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about the spiritual well-being of your children.
40:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So we pray.
40:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We pray expectantly because God is good and loves them more than we ever could, and you pray that they will surround the God will surround them with believers, that your kids don't even know our believers, that they'll be a new person at work, that they'll be a person in the dorm, that they'll be a, you know, a TA in a class who comes from a Christian perspective and your student, your son is stunned that there's a believer teaching a chemistry class, like how does he believe this is possibly true?
40:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So, pray that, optimistically, the God roots around your kids with others who know him well, that your kids will be open to, because again, this is not about you being the one that has to do the rescue.
41:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And also think it's really important that you look for small growth.
41:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, some of you want them to, you know, come home on Easter, look for small growth and keep talking about your testimony.
41:20
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're in relationship with your kids, praise God and don't hesitate to share your story.
41:25
[SPEAKER_01]: If you talk on a Sunday afternoon or a Monday night, talk about man, yesterday's service, I just gotta tell you that.
41:30
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I follow the Lord a long time, but I was reminded, actually morning by pastor Stephen, you know, that X, Y, Z, share your testimony.
41:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't lie.
41:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Experience is real, evidence doesn't lie.
41:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So talk about how you love God.
41:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Why do you love God?
41:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you still following?
41:46
[SPEAKER_01]: You've been a believer a long time when you still go to church?
41:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Like why?
41:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You already know Jesus.
41:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, because it's more than salvation.
41:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
41:54
[SPEAKER_01]: He died for us that we would have an abundant life and that starts on earth.
41:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want Jesus look good, and you don't say, man, I wish you'd go to church.
42:07
[SPEAKER_01]: They know that you want them in church.
42:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Just tell your story.
42:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And if they ask questions, talk more, invite them.
42:15
[SPEAKER_01]: If you can't true story, a friend kept insisting that an adult child attend church with them, and he was resistant.
42:21
[SPEAKER_01]: He went obligated,
42:23
[SPEAKER_01]: To do so he was he was acted horrific his body language was terrible and the mom and dad finally released him and said okay we get it you're not enjoying this you just do what you want to do.
42:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And on me notes to them, he started attending a Christian ministry at his college, and within two or three weeks, just very quickly called his mom and said, Hey, mom, my girlfriend and I, we want to go to a, we're part of this ministry and we want to go to this weekend retreat, but it's $180.
42:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And the mom's like, sent Alvenmo in and they, the mom had paid for he and the girlfriend to go to a weekend retreat with a Christian college ministry that met his needs better than the church that he had grown up in.
43:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And he recommitted his life to Christ and he's now a part of the leadership of that ministry and doing really well because he was free to discover life with Christ without the burden of pleasing his parents.
43:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's awkward and it's hard and it's stressful and it's disappointing and so we pray optimistically to the God who loves them and we do what we can do and we don't go back and judge ourselves harshly because we have to have mercy for ourselves and grace as well.
43:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I love that.
43:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And all throughout this book, you talk about there's hope.
43:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what we need at the end of the day.
43:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to use your own words from just now.
43:36
[SPEAKER_00]: But Dr. Kathy, you do make God look good.
43:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the way you write and speak and encourage us and families.
43:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just so grateful.
43:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I'm just so grateful you're still alive, Dr. Kathy.
43:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
43:47
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so good to meet you.
43:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm delighted to be on your show with you.
43:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, thank you for doing this and everyone.
43:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, the books called Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children by Dr. Kathy Cook.
44:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody, okay, it's not caught.
44:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We all know that now.
44:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Kathy Cook and they can find you on Instagram.
44:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Where do we find you website all that?
44:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the website is celebratekids.com.
44:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And our podcast six times a week.
44:14
[SPEAKER_01]: So our podcast is there or wherever you download podcasts, celebrate kids with Dr. Kathy is the podcast channel.
44:20
[SPEAKER_01]: and we're on Instagram and Facebook at Celebrate Kids Inc.
44:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Awesome.
44:25
[SPEAKER_00]: So we will link all of that in podcasts.
44:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And just as as we really, really wrap up, I want y'all know how cute I am.
44:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I even had questions from her book, a great smarts, because I'm dying to talk to her about that.
44:36
[SPEAKER_00]: How cute am I that I thought that we were going to get to that book?
44:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I could barely cover the one in front of me.
44:40
[SPEAKER_00]: So Dr. Kathy, I'm just going to beg and plead for you to come back someday and talk out the other one.
44:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And everyone, it's a cliff anger.
44:47
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll see what happens.
44:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would love to say yes to that.
44:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
44:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
44:52
[SPEAKER_00]: So nice to meet you.
44:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, Dr. Kathy.
44:54
[SPEAKER_01]: You're welcome.
44:56
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, I told you at the beginning I'll tell you again that Dr. Cook, Dr. Kathy, a choice we called, she will be back.
45:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We're gonna talk about eight great smarts and some really important information for our kiddos and figuring out what are they smart in especially and how do we foster that?
45:11
[SPEAKER_00]: So she'll be back and I'll be back.
45:13
[SPEAKER_00]: So the next seven weeks will be off.
45:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't panic, it'll be a little quiet on the mesmerized airway, so to speak, but we will be back close to Labor Day.
45:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys, thanks for being a part of the mesmerized family.
45:24
[SPEAKER_00]: You're the very best.
45:26
[UNKNOWN]: Thank you.