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"Once a Cheater Always a Cheater" · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to our relationship coaching group podcast.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we're tackling one of the most debated relationship questions ever.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is cheating a permanent character trait?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or can people generally change?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: We'll explore the myths, the realities, and some hilarious examples of what happens when trust goes off the rails.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your host.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I would like to say hello to my co-host, the Professor.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, Professor.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, how are you today?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you think about our topic today?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh wow.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know it.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is like the subject of the century.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: We this is an ongoing subject that we deal with every day.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Once a cheater.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Always a cheater.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's the saying.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna dive deep into this.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Go for it.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's get into it.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why people believe once a cheater, always a cheater?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it could be because of past behaviors.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because past behaviors can sometimes predict future behavior.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it could sometimes be because trust is difficult to rebuild once broken.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And many people have experienced repeat cheating firsthand.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, Professor, friends and family often warn us not to give second chances.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So these are some of the reasons why people believe once a cheater, always a cheater, because especially family, you know, they see or know you that your partner cheated on you, they will say, What do they say, professor?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And do they convince them to give them uh a second chance?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: When I told my mama that this girl I was dating uh cheated on me, I think I was like 19.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom Oh, and you still remember that, right?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I still remember that because I remember her words and I can't say it all what she said.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: But she said, uh, you need to cut that heifer loose.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And and I was like, but and my mom, before I even got to say it, she said, don't even say it.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let it come out your mouth.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can't love somebody like that.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that stuck with me.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's uh zero chances on my end.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Now well, let let's let's first let's let me say this.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm I'm I'm gonna put this to you.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Can a man or a woman change after they've done the dirty?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and I'm gonna get into that.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: They they can, of course they can change.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't you don't agree with that?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that that some people can.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, some people can.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Not everyone.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: If uh not everybody, and I and see, I'm the type of person that if I've kept you, I'm always gonna be wondering.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always gonna be, you know, that day when you come home late, I'm gonna be going, hmm, is this happening again?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because once you get burned, especially if you're in a deep committed relationship and you get burned, it's hard to come back from that.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: For yeah, for some, for some.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, some people treat relationships like free samples at a supermarket.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're committed to one product until they see another booth offering tiny cubes of cheese.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're going for the cheese.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, goodness.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's gonna stick with me now.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, just to answer your question or your devil's advocate.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because you were asking, can people change?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here we go.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be some pointers I want to make.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can people actually change?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you already said, Professor, that it would be hard for you.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: For me.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: For you.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Just me.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: And and and I think because I'm the type of guy that it's hard for me to because I when I love, I love.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I love unconditionally.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm I'm emotionally aware of who I am, my behavior, and how I act.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I expect my partner to be the same way.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes expectations fall short.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I think some people can change, and here's here's how, and I want the listeners to be taking notes.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because they may grow up, you they may start out young and they may do something dumb in the relationship.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then when they all says greener on the other side.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, but if if they start a relationship young or if they're just going into it immature, you know, as immature adults, and they get caught and they don't want to lose their partner, they they may quickly grow up.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe circumstances change.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some cheaters generally regret their actions, and those are the ones that will have a tendency to to change.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: But what do you do when there's a child involved?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, we've just got pregnant by another mate.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, well, we're that's that's a little that's a little deep.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Jumping too far ahead.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, jumping too far into it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's another reason why I think some people will can change and do change, because some cheaters may experience personal growth.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: They may go to therapy, they may, and or they'll take accountability.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So and let me give you this example.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: If people couldn't change, now again, if people couldn't change, couples counseling would just be a referee holding up a sign that says, I told you so.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or how about this one?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: If people couldn't change, you wouldn't have to wonder if they'll do it again.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: You would just have to schedule it on your calendar.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So so, Professor, I bel really believe people can change.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: And no, I said I'm not saying they can't, but for me, that's just how I am.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: But I do believe that there are people who can change.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: People, I believe, especially if you're younger and you're not emotionally completely developed yet, where you see uh whether there's a man or woman and you see someone new and your emotions just take over, and you know, you can't help yourself.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Believe that, you know, as you grow up, you become more socially aware and your behavior becomes different as you grow with maturity.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: But as you get older and you're more mature, there's no excuse for that.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't want to be with that person, then you need to just come out and say it.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Say, look, hey, I'm it's not working for me.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think we should just go our separate ways.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but some some people want their cake and eat it too.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, way too many.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, here's a question.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever met someone who completely changed a bad habit or behavior?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You you've seen that, right?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure our listeners have seen someone change a bad habit or behavior, maybe someone be a smoker, maybe a drinker, maybe just someone who's on the prowl all the time.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And they they watch them change.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: So why would cheating be different?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: People can change if they choose to.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: You have to choose to want to change.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: You have the desire to want to change.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: You have to mentally have the desire to choose.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you have to change.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: You have to be a strong person to admit what you've done and to want to change.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because the weak person is the one that's that if you're weak and you had to cross over to the other side, then you're weak.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as we know, there are different types of cheating.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, go ahead.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's emotional cheating, there's physical cheating, there's online cheating, which is a big one, and the secret texting and social media flirting.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, can you think of any other type of cheating?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think you've pretty much covered it.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Did I cover it?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think you covered it.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's emotional, physical, online, secret texting.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And you you listeners should know by now how I feel about how social media has changed the dynamics of relationships.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I think, you know, you've got all these dating apps and all this stuff out there.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: You name it, they've got it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can swipe left, right, up, down, whatever they've got now.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you can meet people on on Facebook and Snappy Chat, all this other sort of stuff.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Snapchat.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: The it's like a uh, like you said, going in grocery store.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: You can just get anything you want online now, a relationship online.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: But because there's so much to choose from, there's so much out there.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: There is people are putting themselves out there.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And we've talked about this in other podcasts where especially women will take pictures and post of themselves on social media craving attention and they're in a committed relationship.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Or married.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, or married.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, if you're in a skimpy dress and everything's hanging out and you're posting pictures on social media, you're craving attention.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then when people start sliding into your DMs, you know, and yes, then you you can stray.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're getting that attention.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: And yet your man is out there busting these balls.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oops, shouldn't say that.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Busting his gut to uh provide for you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Or breaking his back.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Breaking his back.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um so yeah, I think that there is a possibility that someone can change.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: But it's uh to me, it's a it's a person-by-person basis, right?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and how that other person will accept that.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And uh yeah, and and and as we mentioned, the different types of cheating, the the big one really is social media and uh the this the secret texting.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I have an example.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some people some people may say, We were just talking.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why grandma is texting you to ask, is she sleeping yet?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because they'll put they'll put I'm sorry guys, you should see if you I wish you could see her face.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm she's killing me over here.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because they'll they'll put names.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is grandma, yeah.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uncle Bob.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So grandma's asking.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can you sneak out?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh can you come out and play?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Is she sleeping yet?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, we talked about this.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Your cell phone, I think is it it's a dangerous thing because we've it's allowed us to lock our phones, sneaky sneaky, but it's put it under our pillows, all those things.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a life-saving device as well.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it it can be what what you use it for because a lot of people just use it for social and they don't understand all the the technology that's within their phones.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But now I have some signs that may be someone who's a repeat offender.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you ready?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sign someone may be a repeat offender, they take no accountability, they blame everyone else, including you, for their bad behavior or their their misdeeds.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: You just love those.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: There is no lack of remorse.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: They just go on about the business like nothing happened.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Repeated lies that you catch them in, or they display a secretive behavior.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I have an example.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: If every story ended with, it wasn't my fault, then the phrase, I was just cleaning my gun and it went off, would be a legal defense.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: She's not giving you any ideas.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, let's get that, let's get that straight.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, not at all.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, um now, I Professor, I do have some signs that someone has actually changed.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: All right, because you're kind of on the fence about people changing and I'm and I'm it's me.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: I want to make that clear.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: It might work for other people, but for me personally, no.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because I invest so much time.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: My partner, I love my partner unconditionally.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: And she knows that.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm emotionally, ready, physically, everything there.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Good.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: But you did you break that trust, that emotional trust.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm not I'm done.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not the type that forgives so easy.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like that elephant.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you mess with me once, I remember you.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: You're remembered.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's some signs someone has actually changed.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Listeners, I hope you're taking notes.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: They take responsibility, they begin to show consistent honesty.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Consistent honesty.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And here's uh more reasons and signs that someone has actually changed.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: They accept consequences.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's a big one.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they make transparent efforts to rebuild trust.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Not just efforts, but transparent efforts to rebuild that trust.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they demonstrate major changes over time.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I have an example.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Real change isn't upgrading your phone lock screen to face ID.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually sharing your password.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Real change isn't upgrading your phone lock screen to face ID, it's actually sharing your password.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: My partner has my password.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: I leave my phone on the counter.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you're with someone and your phone ringing and or you hear a phone ring and you're grabbing it, it's not your phone.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: When I have people come in my office and we sit and talk, and there's been cheating going on.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: My first question is, how does that make you feel right now?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Is this something you want to stay in?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Is this something that is acceptable to you?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: I give them the option.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if they want to work on it, then I help them work on it.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: But they have to be prepared that that person may be willing, or they may just be flapping their gums and telling you what you want to hear.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's always a possibility.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, that's I leave that.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: I never impose my feelings on people.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's one people understand, and that's why I make it clear.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's my feelings.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: But I have people come in the office and they're like, I'm done.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm done.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to do this anymore.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I ask the question, is this the first time?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I'm sure there's more.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: And the partner will say, Well, we were on the break.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so would we and they've worked it out and they're working on the relationship.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: So is there saving a relationship after cheating?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they can be.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: But for me personally, and I want to make that clear, that is just me, who I am.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm older, I'm a little wiser, and there's only so much I've put up with now.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: But we do help people if they want to try and make it work.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: We definitely go the whole nine yards to I tell them couples together where I I feel like they could be together.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right, exactly.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's look at why people stay after cheating.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: It may be because of love and history together.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or I've been with them for 10 years or five years, and we have we have history and I want to make it work.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we we we try to work with them.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or there may be children and family, or they could hope for and expect change for better.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's always a possibility.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And financial considerations, and here's the big one: the fear of starting over is sometimes why people stay after cheating.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: And and again, sometimes it works, many times it doesn't.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: But as coaches, relationship coaches, we work with you how you want to go through the relationship.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You won't you know, so we're we are we we don't put our views in it, we work with you.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's an example of staying in a bad relationship.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's like rewatching the same bad movie hoping for a different ending.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the truth.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Staying in a bad relationship is like watching the same bad movie hoping for a different ending.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or staying in a bad relationship is like this is this is a good one, watering a fake plant and wondering why it won't grow.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I like that one.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: I like that one.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: But they but you know, we can we we can laugh at it, and you have to laugh because like you said, the there's people who've been in a relationship for you know 10, 15 years, and they go, well, we've just been together a long time.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, how many times have they cheated?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know, it's been four times, and you know, but we've worked it out each time.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's a repeat offender.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's like someone going in the store and stealing a bag of chips, and they go back and steal another bag of chips.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's a repeat offender.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: And as we wrap it up today's conversation on once a cheater, always a cheater, maybe the real question isn't whether people can change, it's whether they're truly willing to change.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, cheating is rarely just about the act itself.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's about broken trust, secrecy, entitlement, unmet needs, poor boundaries, unresolved wounds, and sometimes deep emotional immaturity.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's a lot to take in.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because, as I said, it's not just about the act itself.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's there there's probably a lot going on within that person that needs to be worked out.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And unless those root issues are addressed, patterns often get repeated.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like we said, repeat offenders.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not because people are incapable of change, but because change requires brutal honesty, accountability, and a genuine effort.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: So is once a cheater always a cheater?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you wanna you wanna you wanna comment before I always always.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing, you know, it all depends on, and I'm trying not to justify the cheating here, but sometimes it's the behavior of the other person that drives the other person away.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, I'm gonna stop you right there because if that happens, then they should let the partner know that it's done.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: It that it's done.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times they don't because they think that maybe they'll change.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people will go somewhere else to feel love from someone else, but still want to keep their part.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that's wrong too.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, um That's kind of cheating.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, there's that woman that uh made it clear that she has a side piece and she wants to know how to to keep her husband and a side piece.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, that I I saw that that episode.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I think once a cheater, obviously, I think the answer is black and white.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because some people cheat, they feel genuine remorse.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: They do the inner work, they rebuild their character and never repeat that behavior again.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: They confront the uncomfortable truths about themselves, they stop making excuses, and they learn healthier ways to communicate, cope, and connect.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have a flip side, Professor.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: Far away.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, others apologize without accountability.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: These are the the the ones that kind of go on to cheat again.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Repeat offenders.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: They apologize without accountability, they cry without changing, they promise.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Without doing the work.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: And in those cases, history often becomes a preview of the future.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Did you get that?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Speak it again.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: In the cases of those who don't really want to change or don't try to change, history often becomes a preview of the future.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: So they're gonna keep doing it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna keep doing well.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: It meant nothing.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't, or it wasn't my fault.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it wasn't my fault.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: They blame everybody else.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: They took my clothes off, really.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or you told me to you told me to get out.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I got it.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:49
  unknown: No.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: So have emotional responsibility.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: We talked about that in an earlier podcast.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional intelligence.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: Have emotional responsibility.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: Be responsible for your emotions or actions.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Self-aware.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now that brings us to something important.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been betrayed, your focus doesn't have to be on becoming a detective trying to predict someone's future.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your focus can be on becoming deeply honest with yourself.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what behaviors am I actually seeing?
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not just what I'm told.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: These are things that you need to be self-aware of.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: And has trust been rebuilt through consistent actions, or is there still lying, deceiving, and not taking accountability?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or ask yourself this Am I staying because of love, fear, hope, attachment, or on maybes?
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it'll work.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they'll change.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they really love me.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this was just a fluke.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another one.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that you need to ask yourself.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this is perhaps the hardest question of all.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: What is this relationship costing me emotionally?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is what you this is this is really deep.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: What is this relationship costing me emotionally?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: That is to ask yourself.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's any comments.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's pretty deep there.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: That that's uh um you have a that right there, you've given people a lot to think about.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm sure that there are a lot of our listeners that have in this position and they're they don't know how to deal with it.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: And this is where you know, getting help and trying to figure it out, that's the journey that you're gonna have to take.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: Self-reflection.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Self-reflection is is the key.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes the greatest betrayal, listen to this, listeners.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the greatest betrayal isn't what someone else did to us.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's the moment we ignore our own intuition, silence our own boundaries, and repeatedly accept what we know is hurting us.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's self-reflection.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're wrestling with this today, remember trust words less and patterns more.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Character is not revealed in apologies, it's revealed in consistency, in consistent, proper actions, not just words, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, show me.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can show me better than you can tell me.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: That old saying.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: And just a lot of people, men and women, when you keep saying sorry, sorry has no weight after a while.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you have to keep saying I'm sorry, then those words carry no weight.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: So when you say sorry, it has to have meaning.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're always messing up, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, then you know what?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you are sorry.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's like this it's not gonna work.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's like buying groceries with monopoly money.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: You got some I can't compete with you.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: You got some good sayings.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if someone says they've changed, time, not promises, will tell.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Time, not promises, don't promise me.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to give it time, over time will tell if they have changed.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to watch.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Watch them.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: You have to show in your behavior.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's just like someone saying to me, you know, oh, I'm on a diet and I'm really watching what you eat.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: But here you are at my barbecue eating uh uh lemon meringue pie and cheesecake and all these things, but yet you're telling me something, oh yeah, you got a mouthful of cheesecake.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm watching what they eat.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: Uh really?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we eat actions.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: You've messed up, then you need to be home when you say you're gonna be home.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: You need to be where you say you're gonna be.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: You need to do what you say you're gonna do.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you say, hey, we're gonna go to movies tonight, then you better be have the tickets, you better be ready to go.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: Consistency.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and you can't just do it for a week.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is a long-term event.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: You have a lot to make up because the trust that you broke is not a week thing, it's not a month thing, it's not a year thing.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is years.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the the you have to accept the consequences if you want that relationship, and if there you're given another chance, or maybe even a second chance, or third, uh, there comes a time if you really want that relationship.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be consistent in your words.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had a lady.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to watch that.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Whoever you're given a chance to, you have to watch them.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Time, not promises, absolutely is gonna tell.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: So time I had a lady, she had cheated on her husband, and he wanted to keep working on it.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Six months had gone by.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: We'd had sessions, and he brought up that, you know, he still it still weighs heavy on him.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: She had the audacity to say, well, I think it's time for you to get over it.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's yeah, that's and I looked at her and I said, No, no, no, no, no, no.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's not what what Mihabi said.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: Marital trust, you've broken the bond.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: It takes time.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: It does.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: And and the question is not only will they cheat again, the more important question is if nothing changes, am I willing to live like this?
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Am I willing to live like this?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now the answer to the latter will display your strength, not your weakness.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you're strong enough to step away, that shows you your strength.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you're weak and you give them chance after chance after chance and nothing changes, then you may need to grow some muscles.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Then you'd be some some leg muscles and walk away.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: You need to put them shoes on and do what?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_01: Run.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_01: Run.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you keep putting it up with it, you'll know better than what they were.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well Because you keep putting up with it.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: You keep saying, it's gonna be it's gonna be different this time.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna change.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or she's gonna change.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but just sometimes people just They're scared of being alone.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's yeah, there's a there's a lot going on there that you need to get you need to get help with either.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you can't leave and you're scared to leave, then you need to pick up that phone and you need to call us so we can help you.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be afraid, don't be scared because you deserve better.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: We we all want a healthy relationship.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: We want you to have a healthy relationship.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we're here.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we sp sp speak among you and giving you tips and suggestions and food for thought.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: We do these podcasts and these groups when we travel to get people together to to open dialogue and talk.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, even here where we are, we've had these open groups, we meet up at coffee shops, and we let people rent.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's a safe space for them to talk about what's happening, and they're there by themselves or with their partners.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: And we just it's it's this time where our goal is to help you have a healthy relationship.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that is successful one.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: This world has enough crap going on it.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Why should you have it in your relationship?
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: So it should be a healthy.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we're trying to help you do.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: And right now, Professor, we're gonna thank each and every one of our listeners for being here.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: We love you, yes, and we want to thank you all for allowing us to be part of your journey.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, and download.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Also, share it with someone who may benefit from this podcast.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find us at relationshipcoachinggroup.com, where you can email us if you have any questions or comments or just want to learn about the services we offer.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right, Professor, you have any last words?
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: And we are humbled to be able to bring these podcasts to you because we know that we have helped so many people.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's privately or through the podcasts or in groups.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we love doing.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: So if we can help you, help yourself, then we're winning.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_01: And we're want to win together.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and we're we are here.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, protect your peace, honor your boundaries, and remember, healthy love doesn't repeatedly ask you to betray yourself to keep someone else.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, we are here for you.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone in this walk.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Together, we got this.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: We got you.