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Toxic Family Patterns – Breaking the Cycle. · The Road Doc Podcast

0:04
Not every family is safe, and not everyone who hurts you as a
0:10
stranger. Sometimes the most toxic
0:14
patterns come from the people who raise this.
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And nobody talks about how hard it is to break that cycle, isn't
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it? Hi, welcome to the Row Duck
0:40
broadcast. My name is Doctor Mukund and
0:43
today we will talk a lot about this episode.
0:50
This is called as toxic family patterns breaking the cycle.
0:58
This is kind of not trying to blame anyone here.
1:04
We are trying to understand why they are the way they are.
1:08
And most of these things happen because most of those families,
1:14
they don't heal from what they have been through.
1:18
And we are not trying to blame anyone, but also just trying to
1:22
understand what is going on behind and also trying to
1:26
navigate with a positive attitude.
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So with no further ado, I welcome you all and we will go
1:35
through step by step and we will try to deal everything that goes
1:39
in this episode and I will sequentialize every part of it
1:44
in a way so that we can all try to understand a little bit and
1:50
navigate through as much as we can.
1:53
So what are toxic family patterns?
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Uh, there are some key points I am going to touch in this
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segment. So like, let us just say control
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disguised as KR plus one. They used kilt as currency,
2:16
conditional love, emotional invalidation and financial or
2:24
emotional dependence used as leverage.
2:28
The final one, the most, this one, I like it the most because
2:34
I see it and everybody says that everybody experienced that gas
2:40
lighting. Yeah, the gas lighting thing,
2:44
that's my personal favorite because that's the ultimate
2:49
stage this families use to get leverage on the children.
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So yeah, let's just get into this and we will go through and
3:02
we will discuss only what's necessary in each thing and we
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will move on further. Alright, So yeah, control
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discussed as care. It's like the family members
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they show like the care thing is basically putting restrictions
3:25
on everything that you want to do and they basically want to
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control everything. Like literally like if you want
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to go out they want to know where you are going, what you
3:37
are doing and if you want to do something they want to know
3:41
everything. Basically they say it is a care
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but it is basically most of the time its is control disguised as
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care. And most scenarios they just
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think they know everything because they have lived a long
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long life and they don't allow their kids to experience the
4:02
world with their own experiences.
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And what happens is the more they control, the more they
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outgrew their own families and the control will turn soon
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enough as a pressure. And that's how the toxicity
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increases in the child's brain. And that is basically disguised
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as care. Like I do this for you, I do
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that for you. No, it is not.
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As a parent, you need to focus on what your child needs, not
4:37
whatever you want to offer to them.
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Because whatever you are going to offer to them, it does not
4:42
matter at some point because they outgrow everything at
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certain certain points. And they do love to have their
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own individual lives at some point.
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And most of these families, they do not want to let that happen
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at all no matter what because they are being getting, they are
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basically very much used to this pattern that have that is a
5:10
thing, you know, and also moving on.
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They use guilt as a currency. Like how many people have been
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there? Like they literally use the
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guilt factor as a leverage on you because I have did this for
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you. I have done that for you.
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I have sacrificed my life for you.
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All this kind of stuff. I know 9 out of 10 people on a
5:42
daily basis they hear this in their own families.
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Because when I have talked with this so many patients at
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different different confined states, the truth actually comes
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out and it is true. Like in parents brain it is like
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we are doing everything for the child then why do not we have an
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autonomy? True.
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You should have it until certain point of time like 18 years or
6:11
20 years Max. And after that you need to let
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them make their own decisions because the moment you start
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controlling everything that when your child loses autonomy and
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freedom that you know it creates a long term ripple effect and
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you will be labeled as toxic soon enough.
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Yeah, you might think that might be you are doing your best, but
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you have to understand they are a human being too and they are
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evolving it larger pace too. So there you go.
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And the other one is conditional love.
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And many of us been there, seen that.
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I will only help you if you stand with me.
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I will only do this for you only if you are supporting whatever I
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am saying. The moment you contradict them,
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that's when everything turns. Like the love factor will just
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disappear. And then everything is basically
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conditioned. Like if you do this for me, then
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I will do this for you. If you do this for me,
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especially this happens when the kids are growing up and they are
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in their early 20s or mid 20s. You know, you can observe this
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pattern in most of the families, unfortunately, like they like to
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control everything. And in the name of you know, for
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example, if you need some financial help from your family
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and you decide to have your own life, but unfortunately
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something happened and you do not want to, you know, now you
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wanted to go and ask for help. That's when they will turn
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against you. And then they will be like, I am
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just giving an example. There are lot more which I do
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not want to discuss on camera because it will turn into
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explicit content. And some things are not, you
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know, not really good to hear. Because I know most of the
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people of my audience are in their early 20s and they might
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get a wrong idea about everything in general, which I
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don't want that to happen. But we are just trying to sort
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out things here in a very healthy way, not to take or not
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to blame every anyone in this, but just to educate how things
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are happening on a deeper level on both parties.
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That is all. And the other one is emotional
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invalidation. Basically how this toxic parents
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behave is like whatever you say they will be like.
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Something like that. You know, that's The funny thing
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because no matter what this child or young people say to
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their kids, like have trying to have a conversation, this, that
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and so on and so forth. Nothing, nothing.
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They use silence as a leverage there to invalidate your
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emotions and invalidate your opinion for no reason because
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they don't have any reason. The only reason they have is you
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are not listening to them. That's all.
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The moment that happens right away they don't care.
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They don't care much because now they are worried about power and
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leverage. At this point those toxic
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parents, most of them. Unfortunately that's true and
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it's very hard to navigate, especially the kids that going
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through. And the other one is financial
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or emotional dependence used as leverage.
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Let's just say that if you need, for example, if you need some
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sort of financial help for whatever reason, even though
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they are in a capable state to, you know, simply help you out
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just like that and change your life.
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But they won't. They will, they will be very,
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very happy to see you suffer rather than help you at all.
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Yeah, these things are real. And these things happen to
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almost 7 out of 10 people in most case scenarios.
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Because if you ask those toxic parents, all they are going to
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say is 1 simple thing because my kid did not listen to me.
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He needs to or she needs to serve.
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That's basically, you know, financial.
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Yeah, they are taking the power over the finances and using
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against their own child to get the back.
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And the final favorite one, gas lighting.
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No matter what you say, they are not here.
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They will only just try to pinch you, gaslight you, gaslight you,
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gaslight you because they know they think those toxic parents,
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they think of families, they think they know everything about
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you. But what they forgot is that
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every child at some point, they grow up, grow up, grow up, and
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they evolve beyond that thing. And sometimes, you know these
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toxic people, they don't understand the fact that they
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think they can play them forever, but the moment the kid
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or the child or the young person fully awakes and wants to step
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away, once they do, they are done.
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Why I am saying all this is because when dysfunction becomes
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normal, you don't basically recognize whether it's a toxic
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thing or not. You just, you know, you just
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feel like it is just a home. 90% or majority of the person of
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people, they do not know what is actually toxic.
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Because see, I am a doctor, I can differentiate all these
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things in a different way, so many levels.
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But most people, they really cannot because most people are
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stuck at some point like there are my parents end of the day
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and I have to be there and so on and so forth.
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True. I am not saying it's a wrong
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thing, but you need to keep something in mind.
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It's going to be very hard on South many people.
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But the fact is, the moment things turns toxic, we cannot
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change them because most toxic people, they don't know they are
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toxic in the 1st place. And that's the actual problem.
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And those people really don't want to change anything.
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It's just, and in this situation, the only thing you
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can do actually is to step up, step out of that toxic
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environment and restart your life from the beginning.
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That's the best thing to do, to be honest.
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Yeah, because these people will never change because they don't
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want to change. Change scares them a lot at so
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many levels. Like.
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So no, that doesn't happen on the most cases because in order
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for you to change, you have to sit down, listen and understand
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the other people's how they are going through the things and so
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on and so forth. But now most people they don't
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want to because all they think is I know everything.
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That's how this toxic families runs and they blindly invalidate
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everything that their kids are trying to communicate in the 1st
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place. So as long as that gap exists so
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nothing moves in the 1st place. So unfortunately that is the
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thing. Alright, let us just move on to
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the next thing. How these patterns repeat across
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generations. This is where a little bit we
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will go into depth. Let us talk about what your
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parents been through. Let us just say parents.
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They are basically repeating what their parents done to them.
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Alright, because your parents are went, your parents basically
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went through a lot of trauma silently and they endured it and
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justice kept it for so long. They did not heal one bit
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because they don't know they have been through trauma in the
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first place. That's that's number one thing.
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And that's why they just stick into the old patterns saying we
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experienced it, we are fine. That's the most funniest part,
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right? We experienced it.
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We are, we are just doing fine. But yeah, it's not their mistake
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completely, but their generations been through a lot
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that we imagine and they are basically on day-to-day survival
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basis in first place. And it is very hard for them to
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even hear the fact naming it as a trauma itself is a they will
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be like wow. So everything if you understand
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how this toxic families basically operate, they do not
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operate on logic. They do not operate on most
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positive attributes. You know, they basically operate
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on fear based. The fear is the thing that
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controls everything else and that's why they become the toxic
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because the whole nervous system is like fear based.
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Everything is like they are basically in survival mode
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constantly and they are fear based and the decisions control.
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Everything comes through fear, fear, fear, fear, fear.
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That's the underlying core thing of this parents or this
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generations that's they are actually deep rooted in them and
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did not want to go within them and do the inner work to correct
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themselves. That's the actual, actual,
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actual problems. That's why I tell these people
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are not born evil or you know, they were basically unhealed
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children, that they grew up and had authority.
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That's the thing. That's the core thing I want to
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say here because I will repeat that again, most toxic parents
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or the generations, they are basically not actually evil and
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the most scenarios, but they are the unhealed children who give
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up and had some authority. That's the messed up part and it
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takes not just a day or two, it takes months to years of trauma
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to be unloaded and to heal. This things will really, really
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take very long time because the more you try to explain them,
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their brain goes in a totally different direction.
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That is. That is the part I am trying to
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reframe. OK, I hope you get the you get
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my point. That is the powerful thing you
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need to understand there. Alright #4 let us move on.
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The cost of staying in the same cycle.
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This is the emotional core thing.
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Like what else I can tell? Yeah, let us just say like this,
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you will be like develop this thing called self doubt.
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You have that by if you are in this toxic family patterns you
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are inbuilt with chronic self doubt.
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Literally, if you want to do anything, first thing your toxic
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family is going to talk about negative things, not the
19:23
positive ones, and you might be turned like people pleaser.
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Fear of independence, feeling stuck despite efforts, guilt
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when choosing yourself, the confusion of loving people who
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harm you. If you remember this, you know
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people who grew up in a toxic family end up attracting toxic
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people in their life because your brain has a sequence of
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pattern that has. Already there in the like, you
20:03
know, software kind of thing and you basically end up attracting
20:07
with the same kind of patterns again and again.
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That is why you can hear this. I have somehow, you know, people
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say this all the time. I have somehow literally
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attracted the same nervous or same pattern of my mother or my
20:28
father, which they are very, very toxic to me.
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And somehow I ended up in the same.
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Yeah, that's that's the thing. That's a little bit we can say
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like if you grew up in a toxic, toxic environments and you
20:43
naturally think that's the right thing and it's very hard for you
20:50
to realize this is not the right thing to do.
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And that hurts a lot. But that's the process, bro.
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This is the hardest part. You know, the hardest part is
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isn't actually a living a toxic family.
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It's basically actually accepting that love shouldn't
21:22
feel like survival. Yeah, it's a kind of a deep, I
21:30
know All I talk is a deeper versions of everything in my
21:35
podcast. I need to tell this people like
21:40
if you are just you think if it's a normal thing now, it's
21:44
not. You need to sit down peacefully
21:47
and understand bit by bit. You need to watch it or go back
21:51
again and again and again because core damage is at like a
21:59
deeper level slot on the surface levels.
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So that's why I try to tell this the hardest part, I will repeat
22:08
this again, the hardest part isn't living a toxic family.
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The hardest part is accepting that love shouldn't feel like
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survival, especially when it comes to your own family.
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And that's why you hear the stories.
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Like some people gonna say I don't have any connections with
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my family members. We love them but from a far
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distance. We don't want to be associated
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with them because they have very toxic traits and so on and so
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forth. This is true guys.
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You need to understand that not everyone have the privilege of
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having a good family. Unfortunately, some people have
22:56
to come through this toxicity at various various levels and you
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know its life. Life is not same for everyone
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and it is a different journey for those who are going through
23:12
that and that is very unfortunate but takes lot of
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courage and it takes lot of time, effort and in the process
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you might lose so many things including yourself and you have
23:27
to restart everything again at different scale and so on and so
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forth. It is not an easy thing to do
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but kind of necessary thing to do.
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You know, unfortunately that is very unfortunate, but gotta do
23:48
what you gotta do. Let's move on to the breaking
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the cycle. This part should be liberating
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you basically whoever suffering, not just being aggressive or
24:09
showing anger on them. Because imagine your toxic
24:14
family is like a wall, right? If you punch the wall hard, do
24:19
you think the wall going to get hurt or you are going to get
24:24
hurt? Get the analogy.
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Imagine the wall is your toxic family.
24:32
You are trying to punch them means trying to communicate.
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I am just using metaphor here. And that's how it will be.
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That's how it's going to be, unfortunately.
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So what we need to do, how to break this?
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Number one, you need to have awareness before action.
24:55
Yes. The most important thing is
24:57
awareness, not action. If you take any other action or
25:01
anything towards them, that will only affect you negatively.
25:07
So that is useless, baseless for your mental health, physical
25:12
health, or overall well-being in general, and #2 boundaries
25:19
without explanation and #3 choosing distance.
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Mind you, choosing distance may not necessarily be like hatred
25:33
or anything. You just choose peace over
25:36
changing them. That is all.
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And healing does not actually require reconciliation at most
25:45
parts. And finally, I would like to
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tell you can respect your elders without surrendering your life.
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That is all I am trying to tell there.
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But, you know, it is very, very difficult to navigate when you
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are in the cycle of this toxic family.
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And I would like to tell you, once you understand your family
26:18
is toxic, you basically don't need to, you know, hate them
26:24
forever or anything because they have their reasons to become who
26:30
they become. True, But you have a choice.
26:34
I mean hate is such a negative emotion to hold because if you
26:39
hold any negative emotions within your nervous system it
26:42
will bring you down. That's why I am not can hate
26:46
them. You can tell whatever you want
26:49
to tell to you but holding any certain emotions for very very
26:53
long time will bring you down not them down.
26:58
Understand we are trying to navigate here, not trying to
27:02
take any sites or blame anyone here.
27:05
OK so the reason why I'm telling all this because basically the
27:18
toxic families are refused to, you know, understand they are
27:23
basically nothing but a unhealed version of their own traumas.
27:30
That's what I'm trying to say anyways.
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Now I would like to share a little stories that I have
27:40
heard, you know, and also had heard from their own families on
27:48
a different different, I mean two different families, but
27:53
similar problems and two different outcomes.
27:57
Basically. OK, family year, right, family
28:06
year suddenly father passed away, mother and a kid, teenage
28:11
kid and they have some financial crisis and stuff like that.
28:18
And this is the thing they try mother and the kid, they are
28:26
trying their best to do some jobs, pay off the debt and so on
28:31
and so forth. That's a positive attribute even
28:35
though they had acquired a loss of a human being in their own
28:38
family and they try to navigate in a very positive approach.
28:45
That's a good example for a healthy family and kudos to the
28:50
whole family members. The same thing opposite algiven
28:55
family B someone major passed away same scenario but now the
29:04
both the child and I mean the teenage kid and mom they both
29:10
hate each other at different different levels.
29:13
Mom basically blames everything on their dad who passed away and
29:22
sheriff is to do anything to take any responsibility and
29:27
whatsoever. And now the even the teenage kid
29:31
is so he is TH kid, he doesn't know anything.
29:35
So he is also like blaming everything on the dads and so on
29:40
and so forth. And what I'm trying to tell is
29:43
they don't have a good, you know, family system.
29:47
That's why now when the problem comes, when the difficult time
29:50
comes, that's when you understand you have been in a
29:54
toxic family for a very very long time now the teenage kid is
29:58
doing all the wrong things and this mother is not in any
30:01
control or charge of the situation and everything is
30:05
messed up. See the same different things
30:08
but how healthy families shapes out differently even though it
30:13
is a difficult situations and how toxic families literally
30:17
breaks down once at some point, you know, that's kind of thing.
30:27
Yeah. I mean, unfortunately these
30:32
things are really happening everywhere and people are being
30:41
very affected because people think a problem makes a family
30:46
breakdown into pieces. Not actually.
30:49
Problem does not actually make any family breakdown problems
30:54
reveals a lot of stuff about our own family, like how they are
30:59
going to stand up when things are so bad and so on and so
31:04
forth. And like the problem just
31:09
amplifies the core thing they are hiding for a very long time.
31:12
Basically, there is something most families try to, you know,
31:19
keep under cover and think they are the best things.
31:22
But the moment uncertainty and problems push through their
31:27
life, things comes to surface and that's when they they know
31:34
that things are really bad within.
31:38
So there comes a certain point in everyone's life like staying
31:45
loyal to a dysfunctional families is more dangerous than
31:50
walking alone itself. Let that sink in for a while.
31:57
Yeah, alright. This is how I want to close it.
32:09
Redefine your family basically. Like I am going to say this so
32:17
take it. Family isn't who controls you,
32:21
family is who allows you to grow.
32:26
And sometimes breaking the cycle is the most loving thing you
32:32
will ever do it for yourself. And if you are an, everyone is
32:40
and for the generations to come after you.
32:49
Let that sink in. And that's it from me today in
33:02
this episode. I hope it helped you one way or
33:04
another to navigate somehow. Now recently I would like to say
33:13
something to the audience, right?
33:16
I have recently started this video podcast things very, very
33:20
recently like and the response is very good, like really good.
33:26
I am loving it. So thank you all for your love
33:31
and attention and your love and affect attention will keep this
33:37
going on and on. Like I am like from the
33:41
beginning I am trying to tell one thing that I do not want to
33:45
bore you all with more scientific stuff because the
33:49
moment I go deeper into the scientific stuff, you will all
33:51
feel like it's a lecture again. So I would like to keep it as
33:56
real as possible, trying to connect with different life
34:01
experiences with my patients and everything I have learnt so far.
34:06
And connecting to the real world, which can help you one
34:09
way or another, is the whole purpose of this podcast to begin
34:14
with. So my intentions are that.
34:16
And that's why I would like to thank you all and feel free to
34:20
comment in your favorite platforms.
34:23
And this is Doctor Mukul. I'll catch you up in the next
34:29
one. Until then, take care.
34:31
Bye peace.