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Relationship series: identifying self-absorbed people · Spending time with Dr. Christina

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  Welcome back to my podcast spending time with
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  dr. Christina. We're still in season 9 the relationship
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  series and we are on episode 5 and Tonight I
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  want to talk about a very negative trait that
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  hinders relationships and while it could be under
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  the red flags I wanted to separate this topic
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  and put it by itself and spend some time on it
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  and this topic is self -absorb people You got
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  it. And it's also a very common behavior that
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  most people don't even realize they're dealing
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  with it. It's self -absorbed or self -serving.
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  Any way you want to put it, it is a person that
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  really is just very self -centered and selfish.
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  And what I realized in just the course of meeting
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  a lot of people for relationship counseling and
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  getting advice. They are dealing with someone
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  that is incredibly selfish. And I also wanted
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  to spend a lot of time on this topic just to
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  devote an episode to it is because some people
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  are in this situation right now and they're in
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  so deep they just don't know how to get out.
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  So hopefully by the end of this message Someone
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  will get on the right track and start to put
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  up some healthy boundaries and take care of themselves
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  so let's talk a little bit more about this a
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  Self -absorbed person is a person that really
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  has their own agenda and this agenda really revolves
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  around Themselves right they have their own opinions
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  they have their own interest everything though
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  is really self -centered so if you get into a
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  conversation with them it's really going to be
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  about them if they need something it's really
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  about them it's not for say the two of you or
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  for something that's humanitarian no self -absorbed
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  people have an agenda of just taking from others
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  and You know, there are a lot of people out there
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  that I have come across that it is so subtle
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  that you really don't realize it until you're
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  in so deep. And then you think how to get out
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  of it because maybe you befriended this person.
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  Maybe you're in a personal relationship with
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  this person. Maybe even you work with this person.
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  However, you have opened the doors for a relationship
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  with someone That really is building themselves
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  up and that's all they care about They don't
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  have agenda to build the two of you guys up or
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  even care about anyone else Now it could be some
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  of you guys are thinking maybe that's everybody.
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  Well, no, not necessarily. I think that Over
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  time when you really start to pay attention to
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  people You can understand that they're one dominating
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  a conversation Two, they really don't care anything
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  about you. And when I say they don't care about
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  you, they really don't celebrate a lot of the
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  wins in your life that are important to you.
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  They don't recognize them. Everything really
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  is about themselves. So if you're doing well,
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  if you're doing something significant and it's
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  important to you, They really don't pay any attention.
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  In fact, they may hide signs of jealousy if it's
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  not showing already. So self -absorbed people
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  seem to also plant themselves around needy people.
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  So you may not even realize that you have someone
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  that is self -absorbed in your network because
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  you are giving all the time. You're doing things
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  all the time. It's not until you're exhausted
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  and tired that you look up and say, Hey, this
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  person really is not a good person for me. So
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  let's talk about how we can correct these situations.
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  If you happen to be in a situation like this,
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  maybe you're involved with a person like this,
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  or you befriended a person like this. Let's talk
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  about taking the control back and getting some
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  balance going on. When I say balance I mean fairness
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  and it could be that this relationship is not
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  salvageable Well, it's for the better because
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  you're setting up healthy boundaries to protect
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  your well -being So let's start to navigate through
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  this and see what we can do to get things corrected
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  if you are in a situation like this The first
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  thing that you want to do if you don't already
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  I just mentioned it is establish healthy boundaries
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  Maybe this person borrows from you all the time
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  Maybe this person is even demanding of your attention
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  Maybe they're even making demands on you to give
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  them alcholades and to give them praises over
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  their successes in their life Well, whatever
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  it is This is where you begin to put the period
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  And you can do this by first identifying what
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  poor attribute that this person has that is really
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  taking a toll on you. You can start by putting
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  a time limit on your time around them or with
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  them. Even on the telephone, put a time limit
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  and begin to get some boundaries in place. Another
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  thing you can do is try to have a frank conversation
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  with them and talk about what you find to be
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  a bit alarming in their behavior and demanding.
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  And I would think that this is really the most
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  important thing that you could do. Learn to say
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  no. Sometimes No is what a lot of people need
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  to hear in order to get that boundary in place.
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  So no can be a very important part of either
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  releasing that relationship or rebuilding it.
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  And I would say also, take some time for yourself
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  to reflect on why you were drawn to this person.
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  Why did you befriend them? Did you need self
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  validation? Did this person appeal to any of
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  your senses at all? Find out what drew you into
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  this. Maybe it could even be something from your
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  past. And when I say something from your past,
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  it could be past hurts, the way you grew up.
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  Maybe it was a cycle of hurt. sometimes we don't
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  even realize that we keep finding ourselves being
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  drawn back into situations like that so stop
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  and do some self -seeking to find out why you're
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  in that relationship and then start to come out
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  of it gradually put those boundaries up learn
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  to say no and learn to change your senses on
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  how you pick friendships And I'll tell you, you're
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  never too old to learn how to pick friends, you
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  know? Sometimes this is a constant change. I
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  know someone that's in their 60s and she has
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  no friends. She started to let go of things and
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  distance herself, but she never rebuilt. Meaning
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  that she just closed up like a clamshell. Now
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  here she is Not too long off from senior citizenhood
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  and she has no real friends No one that she could
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  trust because she just shut down. I know this
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  also the case for a friend of mine that's in
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  her 40s Now in her case, she just doesn't have
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  enough nurturing friends around her and I know
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  some of you at this point may be thinking who
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  needs people who needs friends, but uh everybody
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  needs people that's the honest truth and even
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  if you have one good friend that could be worth
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  a thousand but no matter who is in your circle
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  you just want to make sure that these folks are
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  fruitful they are people that can sew good things
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  into your life and you can sew good things into
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  their lives that they're not bringing drama and
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  gossip and lies but instead they're working in
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  integrity now there's a saying and this is very
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  true you know if people want to know what you're
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  like they'll look at your friends in fact employers
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  also look at your friends and they look at who
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  you're hanging around so if you're hanging around
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  someone that is self -absorbed and just selfish
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  You can bet you're gonna be like that too because
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  these traits absolutely rub off so When you think
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  about the company you're keeping Think about
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  traits that you want to build in your own life.
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  Does this person have a good heart? Do they tell
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  the truth? Do they walk in integrity? think about
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  those things and those behaviors or is this a
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  person that is constantly lying and Manipulating
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  to get your attention. So I leave you with this
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  final thought Think about the company you keep
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  and think about who you want to be in life and
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  how you want to be betrayed and start to make
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  a difference from there. Well this is the end
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  of this week's episode and I thank you all for
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  joining me and until the next time I wish you
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  all a very good week.