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2026 is Starting Off Rocky with A Breakup · Pursuit of Sassiness

• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Hey, I do Part two. It's your celebrity mentor Kelly
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: ben Simone. And today I've got my great producer and friend,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Heather Monday to join me because I've got some big
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: news to share with you. I've been nothing but honest
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: since I joined the podcast, and that's the only way
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: we heal and grow by sharing our own truth. So
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: today I need to talk through it for you and
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: for me. Hi, Heather, I love you.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Hi, I love you. What's going on? Well, first of all,
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: happy right, this is you know, one of our first
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: episodes of the new year, So happy New Year to
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: anybody that's listening. But even though twenty twenty six has
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: just started, I know a lot of things have changed.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: So what's happened?
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: So I went through a breakup over the holiday. My
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: application applications are now open. I closed them before the
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: holidays and now I open them.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Well let's rewind. Yeah, let's talk a little bit about
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: what happened, because I think from a listener's perspective, right,
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: we were all really excited when you announced that you
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: had a boyfriend, and you seemed really excited about it,
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: So kind of tell me, was this a long time coming?
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Or was this like something happened over the holidays and
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: this decision was made.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: So I did have a breakup over the holidays, and
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: this is not something that just happened. But I am
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: a Taurus and I have a lot of bandwidth and
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: then and sometimes I just snap. And I had some
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: health issues last last year, and I was going through
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: a lot of things personally, and it really made me
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: see what I wanted in my romantic life and like
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: how I wanted to navigate that and move forward into
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: twenty twenty six.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: So be a little bit more specific for me, What
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: does that mean? Was this person not showing up for you?
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: Were they not by your bedside when you were needing
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: you know, some nursing or aid? Like what kind of
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: I guess. Try to break it down and be a
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: little bit more specific for me as to like what
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: went into this decision.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: They did not show up when I really really needed them, now,
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: got it? They did not shot?
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's unfortunate. So just to be clear, you were
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: the one who had this breakup. It was not a
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: mutual decision.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I'd like to say it was a mutual decision because
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: in order for me to break up, I had to
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: feel something that would encourage me to make that decision.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: So it's not like just like I woke up one
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: day and I was like, oh, I'm going to break
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: up with this person. It was a this is not
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: going to work, this is not going to move forward,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: and it's you know, it's at the stage I am
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: in my life, like, I want a gorgeous family for
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: my family, Heather, I want. I've always from day one.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: The reason I got divorced from my first husband and
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: only husband, is because I want a gorgeous, loving, healthy
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: family for my family. That's all I want. M h.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I want to want to I want to create a family.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I want to be in a loving relationship, and I
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: want to be cherished and cared for. I spent my
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: life being the caregiver of every single man, with the
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: exception of my twin brother or my father. They're the
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: only two men that I haven't been the caregiver for,
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: and I it's time that we that the tables turn
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: and that someone cares for me, cherishes me, adores me,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: loves me for who.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: I am exactly. I definitely think that those are wonderful
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: things to want, and I think that you deserve those
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: no doubt. I guess when I say, is it mutual?
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: He wasn't shocked when you tried to break up with him.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: He wasn't trying to, you know, say I can change
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: or let's fix this or work on this. There was
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: no that discussion. Because what you're expressing to me sounds
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: like you initiated this breakup. You wanted this breakup.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I could feel that there was a change. I feel,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I felt like there was a change in temperature. Okay,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: and I just knew in my heart that this is
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: not right. And even you know, I mean, I can't
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: speak for him, but I know that he was not
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: happy with the change in the temperature.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Okay, got it. So the holidays happen, you guys were together,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: and I know that your kids were also there. What
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: was your kid's perspective on him or on your relationship?
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: Because I asked that because I think a lot of
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: people in their Chapter two and their I Do Part
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: two era tend to be parents, you know, and navigating
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: dating as a single mom versus as a single person
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: is very different, especially with you. Your kids aren't babies,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: they're young adults, So how much you know did they
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: give their input or feelings on your relationship. How much
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: of that do you take into consideration when you're making
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: these kinds of decisions. Kind of tell me a little
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: bit about that.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: So he's a very dynamic human, which is one of
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: the things. Very very smart, very dynamic, very successful, which
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: is those are the things that I and he has,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: you know, very good good values. So he has he has,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: he checks like all the boxes. That's why I fell
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: in love with him. I fell in love with him
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: because he was I thought that he was my person.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: Wait, I'm going to jump in here. You said fell
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: in love with him. You've also said on this podcast
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: that you've never been in love before.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: True, I have never been in love. I fell madly
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: in love with him. I love him.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: So you were in love?
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, I was so in love with him, Like I
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: had those love goggles on, like they were like so tight.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: I was in madly in love with him. He could
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: do no wrong.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: But you so, so this is this is big then,
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: not to say not to little any sort of relationship,
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: but you have you know, taken our listeners on this
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: journey and expressed how you've never been in love before.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: You know, you've had a lot of ups and downs
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: since the calling off of your engagement over a year ago.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: So this guy, however, you know, the chemistry was he
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: was able to make a very strong connection with you,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: and you were in love.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I wasn't just in love. I was madly in love.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: Okay, so you were in love.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: And I also loved him, so it was Yes, it
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: was twofold. I cared about him, but I was also
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I had these very strong love feelings. I wasn't in
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: my feelings. I was in love feelings.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: So I digress. Go back, Tell me about your kids
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: and their input and their thoughts.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: So that my kids said to me, they were like, Mom,
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: you're just not yourself. You're just not yourself. And there
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: were some a couple of things that happened that made
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: them question what was going on and my relationship, and
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: you know, my girls and I were very very tight.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are like my kids
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: and my everything, and they always talk about how their kids,
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: their kids, their kids, Like I speak to my kids
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: all day long. I see them every single day. I
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: take them on vacations, I go everywhere anytime that I
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: have free time. In the past, I've always spent with
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: them Tuesday Night's, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Saturday, Sunday, holidays.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is they are, they are it.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: So how much does their opinion weigh in on who
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: you date?
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: They are a ton and I know that I know,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: like there's probably going to be a therapist that say, like,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: you have to make your own decisions, don't crowd source
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: your decisions for love. I'm sure that people are going
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: to be analyzing and like crazy, I'm not crowdsourcing anything.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I am saying that. I have always been very adamant
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: about making sure that every man knows that we're three people,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: We're not just one. And it's really important for people
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: to understand that they are very well educated, very insightful,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: very mindful, loving, philanthropic. They're very well rounded girls. And
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: they were just like, Mommy, you're not you.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: I think that's what makes dating in chapter two so
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: much more difficult than chapter one. Right, Not only do
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: you have the perspective that you gained in chapter one
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: through your marriage, for example, of what you want, what
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: you don't want, but then now you have adult children
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: in the mix that you didn't have when you got
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: married the first time. You have a whole different life
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: and career than you had in chapter one, and you
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: have now just a laundry list of things that you
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: are looking for in this hopefully forever you know, partner
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: that you have for the rest of you know, your life.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: So it does make things more difficult than say, dating
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: in your twenties. So tell me about now that it's over.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Where are the feelings of love? Is that complicating things?
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: Is it making it difficult? How are you feeling about
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: him right now in this moment?
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Well, in terms of my health, I feel so much better.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: So my mindset is very clear, very calm, and I
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: adore him. I still love him very much. I still
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: think that he's an amazing human. I don't see him
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: the way that I did maybe two weeks ago. I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: saw a lot of things when we did have like
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: a confrontational moment. I saw a lot of things I
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: didn't like. But that doesn't make him bad. It just
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: makes him not right for me.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Do you think that there's any chance of reconciliation, Could
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: couples counseling or anything like that fix any of these issues?
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: Or do you think it's not worth repairing? I just
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: asked because you said love. I know I know that
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: that was something that was really important to you and
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: that you hadn't experienced yet. So I just want to
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: ask the question because I'm sure listeners are thinking the
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: same thing, like would you ever think about doing couples
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: counseling with him?
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I just feel like because it was such a short
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: period of time that and so intense, Like when I
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: saw him, I met him, I spoke to him on
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: the phone, and when I saw him, I was like,
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: there he is. And I've never ever, I've never I
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: dated one guy before who I was just like I
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: had a similar feeling, but not as intense. I just
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: was like, there he is, there's my person. And it
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: wasn't about the way he looks. It wasn't about anything.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: It was just like I just was like, that's step
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: that's the person.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: So you're saying you don't think that you should do
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: couples counseling because you hadn't been together long enough.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know if couple's counseling. I just feel, you know,
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I have these like these. I always say things like
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: you don't paint over rotten lumber, and it's like the
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: things that you can I can't unheer things and I
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: can't unfeel things.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I am going to agree with you wholeheartedly on that, Kelly,
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: because I too believe you can't unring a bell, and
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: it is very hard for me to pretend or go
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: back as if you know, certain conversations haven't happened. So
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: I totally understand where you're coming from with that. Okay, Well,
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: how you said your mindset has been better? How since
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: this happened, have you been healing or making time for yourself?
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: What's been working for you? Are you still in therapy?
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: Are you journaling? What have you been doing since this happened?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: So I journaled throughout the entire relationship. I bought us
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: these orange books, and I left one at his house
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: and I had one at my house, and I was
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: just writing about every time I would go to see him,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I'd play a little piano, eat some cookies, and I
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: would write something about my thoughts about him, and which
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: is very vulnerable of me. I mean, it was just
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: but I just just wanted to write it down. I
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: just was I had no I had no inhibitions zero.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I just felt really open. But I'm not you know,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: there's flowers, and there's gardeners and I've been gardening Heather
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: all my life, all my life. Let me take care
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: of you. Let me do this for you. Do you
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: need this, do you need that? Let me go here,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: let me go there for you. Let me do this,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: whatever you need, whatever you need, whatever you need. Oh,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: no problem, oh no problem. Doing everything all day long,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: all my life. And I'm tired. Tired. Yeah, like I know,
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: it's like I can only you know. It's like, just
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not exhausted. Exhausted, No,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: for sure.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: I think that is you know, any healthy relationship, right,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: nobody listening. Come for me when I say this. But
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: one of the great perks in being in a partnership,
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: whether that's a marriage or a long term partnership, is
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: the fact that you have a built in team player. Now, obviously,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: if the relationship is unhealthy, you don't have that, but
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: that is one of the great perks of being in
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: a partnership. Is when you are having a rough day,
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: you have somebody to help pick up the load, when
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: you are struggling with something, you have someone to lean on,
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: somebody to talk to, somebody to do these things with.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: And when you're single, you don't have a person, and
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: it can be very challenging to put that kind of
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: weight and stress on family members or friends. So unfortunately,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: as single people, we tend to keep it in. I know,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: as a very loving and active mom, you probably don't
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: open up to your daughters too about these kinds of pressures.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: And because you're their mom, you're not their friend.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not their friend. I'm definitely say so.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: That's you know, it's a very exhausting place to be in.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: For sure. I want to know from you now that
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: this is in the rear view mirror when it comes
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: to your next relationship, what intentions are you setting.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I told myself in the car in the way here
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: that I just and I told I was talking about
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: it this weekend, you know, on Instagram, about giving people,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: talking about me telling me what's going on, and just
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: talking about giving them grace and just giving my own
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: self some grace.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: It's okay. Why is this making you emotional right now?
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Guys? I you know, I have such an amazing father
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: with incredible values, and we have such an unbelievable provider
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: and he was always there for me and I just
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: the men that I meet, they're just not they're just
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: they just they're they're they're just not pulling the weight
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: like they see me carrying the load, and they're not like,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: let me take it off of you. Oh my god,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: what can I do for you? Like I was I
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: was thinking in the car, I was like, what are
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: the things that like, really like make me feel good?
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: Like when my daughter sends me a coffee, or when
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I send her a coffee, She's like, Mommy, to send
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: you a coffee. I'm like, oh my god, I love you.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Like I'm a little thing kind of person. I will
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: give you the shirt off my back. But I don't
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: expect anything from people. And I'm going to start expecting
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: and I'm going to start and dating with actual intentions.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: I'm not just going to go to dinner and I'm
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: not just going to be the girl that like has
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: fun and talks to everyone about everything and be you know, happy,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: go lucky, and you know, I'm not gonna be very
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Tyler Moore and smiling my way through things. I'm just
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: gonna be like, very real and raw with people. And
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I think that one one of the big biggest misconceptions
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: is that and I actually spoke to a friend of
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: mine about it this weekend. He was like, well, you
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: have this big Instagram presence and you do all these
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: things and there's a lot of press, and I'm like,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: that's my work. It's I know how to work. I
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: know how to work well. I know how to make
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: things happen for my clients and for all my brand
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: partnerships and for the things that I'm doing. I understand
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: how to do that job reporting for duty. I understand
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: the assignment. My personal life is my personal life. I mean,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: I told you guys that I fell in love because
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: I wanted to share it. I was like, I fell
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: in love, Yeah, and now I'm like, I'm heartbroken, and
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I just want to be able to allow myself to
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: like when i'm honestly, like when I'm sick, they should
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: be like you need to lay down and watch a
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: movie and do nothing.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, can we go back to the intentions real quick.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I want to give you one to maybe try on
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: for size in your next relationship. I want you to
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: try the next time you're in something committed. Okay, so
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: this is not somebody you're dating flippantly, somebody you're dating
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: while seeing other people. This is in your next committed relationship.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: I want you to consider doing a check in date now.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: It is not a date where we decide to go
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: to dinner and we're dating and we're talking over dinner. No,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: this is a intentional We put it on our calendars
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: and this is what we call our check in date.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: It does not take place in public. It takes place
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: in private so we can speak freely with one another
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: and not be concerned about who might be overhearing at
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: the next table. And that is where you check in
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: with your partner and you both openly talk intimately about
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: how you're feeling currently in the relationship, whether that is
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: about I am extremely happy right now. I want you
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: to know that when you sent me a coffee earlier
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: this week, that meant so much to me. And I
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: want to know what can I do to show up
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: for you? And it has to be that give of
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: telling somebody in your life that is important to you
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: what they did right and asking how can I show
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: up for you? Because it is a two way street
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: in a relationship, right, is there something that I can
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: do better? I want to say for you this week
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: when you weren't picking up your socks and offering and
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: I had a lot going on that actually led to
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: more stress in my life. It would help me out
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: if you know, this next week you were more cognizant
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: of socks on the floor, whatever it might be, you
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: know what I mean.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: So he did do that. If he did do that,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: not like that, but he would say, I'm very happy
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: with us.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: But I want you in your next relationship to say that.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: But I want you to try on for size, doing
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: a check and date with whoever you're dating, and say
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: to them, I really like you and I really want
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: to see this relationship flourish. So I think we should
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: have a check and date once a week. Maybe we
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: do it on Tuesdays. We do it for thirty minutes,
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: you know, and just see how if that deepens intimacy,
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: if that deepens Because this is the thing in knowing you.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: I think you are such a giver and you are
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: such a light. But I think that sometimes you keep
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: your feelings of oh I didn't like when he did that,
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: or oh I didn't like when he said that, you
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: keep a lot of it buried and inside. And then,
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: like you said at the beginning of this episode, okay,
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: and it's a pressure building situation. I think if you
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: are having a this is a designated weekly check in time.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: It is not sexy date night. It is not we're
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: going out for whatever it is. We are sitting together,
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: we are alone check in date. That it will help
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: you to vocalize more of those problems so that they
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: don't build build, build build inside of you, and it
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: will help you because I think that a lot of
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: these guys you have dated have not really understood your
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: love language.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: No, they have no idea what I love languages.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: But Kelly, that's partly on you, right, They're not mind readers.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: So how are they going to know what your love
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: language is if you're not taking the time to express
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: and say, hey, if you send me a cup of
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: coffee during the day, that really actually means a lot
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: to me, you know what I mean. Now, I'm going
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: to play Devil's advocate on myself right now. This is
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: an area that I struggle in in relationship because my
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: feeling is, oh, if I vocalize it and they do it,
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: it's actually not coming from a place of being genuine.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: It's them doing it to please me because I have
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: said it. Now, I have learned through a lot of
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: therapy that that is not how I should be viewing things,
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: and that people are not mind readers, right, and that
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: we have to give people the benefit of the doubt,
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: and we need to be able to express what we
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: want and desire in relationships, and if it then does
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: not get met after we've expressed, then that's a time
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: where we reevaluate and say, hey, I have come to
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: the table. I have said that X, Y, and Z
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: is not working for me. If it continues to not
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: work for me past this point, I'm going to have
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: to make a decision. And that is you know, but
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: that is my two cents as somebody who has gotten
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: to spend a lot of time with you and knows
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: you and knows what a giving heart that you have.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: I think that sometimes you tend to give, give, give,
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: and you're waiting for that reciprocation. But I think that
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: these men are not aware of how much the giving
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: is part of your love language, and that the reciprocation
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: is what you hope to receive. So I think there's
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: a little bit of a disconnect there.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: But you know, it's interesting just to touch on that too.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: You know. It's like, you know, the listeners are going
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: to be like Okay, here she comes with her Midwestern values.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: But I was raised in the Midwest, and I started
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: coming to New York when I was fifteen, And New
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: Yorkers are much more open and verbal about their feelings
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: and what's happening, the weather, all these different things, Like
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: that's just the way that that's such just what the
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: culture of New York is. People are much more communicative
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: about the things that are they like, they don't like Midwest,
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: we don't say anything. I mean, I've never heard I've
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: never even heard anyone talk about the weather or talk
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: about the travel plans to get to X, Y or Z.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: So I was never raised with communicating like that as
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: an option. And so I'm a listener and I'll listen.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: But I'm also a gardener. So if I see a
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: pop up, if I've seen something, you know, you've seen
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: this with how I am with you, if there's something
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: that's bothering you, I'm like, I'm going to send Heather president,
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do something for I'm going to check
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: in on her, like I am that person, you know.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: I want you to know that, like our friendship means
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: a lot to me, and my relationships mean a lot
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: to me, and I've just been so so disappointed, so disappointed.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: And I think people think that because I am, like
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: we talked about this before, because I have been a
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: provider for my family and had been under so much
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: financial stress for so long and still made sure that
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: my girl said everything that I'm so strong, and I'm
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: just because just because I can, Just because I can,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I'm good at math and good at transactions and I
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: have an eye for aesthetics does not mean I'm not
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: a wildly sensitive human exactly. And I think that's the
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: big thing is that they don't realize how sensitive I
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: really am. Like every single thing that you say, I
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: listen to, and I don't just be like, okay, Heather,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: I like listen, I'll think about it. I'm going to
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: use it in a sentence with you later. Like I
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: am that kind of person. Unfortunately, unfortunately, I'm not like
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: most people are like, yeah, what about me, I'm feeling gorgeous.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: I'm like no, no, no, I heard everything, but.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: My thing is going back to it. Why don't they
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: know this about you? Why don't they know that you're sensitive?
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Why don't they know that you're looking for somebody to
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: help take off the load.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: Because for some reason, I think that men because they
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: see that I am such a I'm such a nurturer.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Ully, it's because you don't tell them. I'm being serious.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I don't tell them. I just say that. They're like,
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: she's over there taking care of everything. Everything's happening, all
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: the bows are tied, everything's done. I don't tell them.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: What am I going to do? Be like I am sensitive?
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: Yes, because you know what, again, this is how I'm
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: now thinking about men and men listeners. If you're out there,
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: I really don't think you are. I think we're all
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: a lot of big girls out here.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: We have a lot of men listeners, male listeners.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: Sure. What I'm about to say is is that all
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: I know is that men are not mind readers. And
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: it has to be said. So we come into this
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: relationship right with expectations. And anybody listening that says you
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: shouldn't have expectations when you're dating somebody, I'm going to say,
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: that's bs am I getting. When I get into a
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: relationship with I have the expectation of monogamy. I have
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: the expectation of communication, and I have the expectation of
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: that I am that person's you know, not necessarily maybe
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: their main focus, but that I'm high on the priority
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: list of that person. I am above friends. I will
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: say that those are the first few expectations I come
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: into in a relationship. Now when expectations change and build
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: upon that, sure, depending on the seriousness of the relationship,
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: but you have a lot of expectations. You're looking for
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: somebody that can help provide. You are looking for a
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: family for your family. You're looking for somebody that when
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: you are sick, is going to care for you. You're
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: looking for somebody who is going to check in, communicate,
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: send maybe gifts or love notes or something throughout the day.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I'm thinking of you. I'm
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: so proud of you, whatever it might be. Communication, and
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: so these kinds of expectations are key for you. They
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: might not be key for somebody else. So I want
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: you to just try and kind of keep thinking about
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: that this is important to me. It might not be
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: important to them. They're not going to know what's important
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: to me unless I tell them, and you have to
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: say it. You have to say out loud, Hey, I
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: know that I might look like I have it all
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: together when I'm out on a red carpet and doing
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: a step and repeat. But I just want you to
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: know that, like I'm super sensitive and like you might
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: get to see that side of me, but just know
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: and like you have to verbalize things more, and I
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: think that that's something you should take into twenty twenty
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: six as we're navigating this landscape. We do have to
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: wrap it up pretty soon. But I did want to
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: ask you before we go, what do you want to
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: say to the listeners who might be finding themselves going
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: through a breakup right now at the top of the year.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: What would you say to them?
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: You know, I really just I'm gonna have to go
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: with what you just said to me, because those this
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: is this is a new these these are new ground
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: rules that I've never had before. And You're right, I
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: can't expect people to They're not mind readers. You know.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: Friends aren't mind readers. Partners aren't right mind readers, They're not.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: And I have to be more forthcoming with that really
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: hurt my feelings. I really appreciate when you said that
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: I have to be more cognizant of showing them you
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: know how much I appreciate them, and I hope I
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: do I'm I'm a like I said, I'm a show person.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: Like I'm not like a talking person, like I show
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: up for people all the time. I am that person
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: and I want to be that person for my partner.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: You like to give gifts, you like to give experiences,
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: you like to bring people. That's the perk of being
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: in your world is like you know, X, Y, and Z,
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: so you like to share those things with people.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I would like to share all of those perks with
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: my life, whether it's being able to go to a
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: next game, or whether it's being able to go to
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: the Brockettes together, or whether it's you know, being able
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: to go to a fun movie or you know, a
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: fun event that you know is interesting. I love that.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: I love sharing that part of my life. But that's
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: not my life. My life is me at home with
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: Tarzan on my couch eating Chinese food. What does that
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: look like? What am I watching? You know? It's interesting because,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: like I was, the summer was the summer that ever,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: you know, the summer I turned pretty, And that's how
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I felt. I felt like it was the summer that
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: I turned pretty, except for the only problem was that
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: I wasn't really feeling pretty. I thought that I was
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: feeling pretty, but I had so many things that I
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: wasn't communicating with the things that were really really bothering me.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: And those were really, really big, and I just couldn't
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: bring them into twenty twenty six. I just couldn't. I
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: found myself in a physical situation and I had just
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: just had to turn it off. I just couldn't. I
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: just couldn't do it.
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: So to anybody that's going through a breakup right now,
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: just like you, what would you say to them you're
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: going through it too, just like.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: That communicating, I mean, if I'm going to communicate, and
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: we're going to spend the next couple episodes and this,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: you know, communicating, and I'm going to I'm going to
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: talk to you through how how I communicate and what
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: that's happened, what's how that's helped me or what that's
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: been bad for me? And you know, I'm always I've
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: always been honest. I have I'm not here to sugarcoat things,
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: and I wear my heart on my sleeve for you guys.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: But I haven't been wearing my heart on my sleeve
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: for those guys, and so I need to It's not
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: about being vulnerable. It's about me being more communicative and
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: opening up a narrative.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: I'm going to say it's a little bit of both.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: It is about vulnerability, and it is about being communicative,
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: because I think you have no problem communicating here, there,
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: and everywhere, whatever the plans are. But it's about that
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: vulnerable communication of hey I'm sensitive. That's vulnerability to tell
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: somebody that, or hey, I'm really needing somebody to like
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: help take the load off of me. Like I got money,
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: I got my kids, I got all that covered, but
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: like I'm looking for somebody to be in a partnership
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: and share a life with, and like, if you're not
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: willing to do that, then I don't want to waste
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: anybody's time, your time or my time. And you know
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: that's that's vulnerability. So I think it's a little bit
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: of both, and it's scary. And that's probably why you've
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: avoided having those kinds of direct conversations with people, because
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: you do like to be light and breezy and airy
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: and a good time. But the way is crushing you
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: because you're taking on too much and you're not being
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: authentic to yourself.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: I already have a work life that is a mother load.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: People are constantly like, I can't believe what you do.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: And that's so nice that they say that, But that's
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: what I have to do for my life, but for
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: my personal life, I also feel too. That's what's been happening.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: And what I've noticed is a pattern that I need
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: to break is that men is when they meet me
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: and they hear what I'm going through, I think what
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: they're listening to, I'm not listening to. That's a great accomplishment,
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: that's a great accomplishment. They're like, it's too much. I
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: want to take her away and bring her home and
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: keep her home and keep her safe so she doesn't
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: have to do anything. But then they're not trying to
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: keep me safe. They're just pulling me away from what
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: I'm doing and I'm not feeling secure and I'm not
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: feeling I'm not feeling good. Yeah, it's like, you can't both.
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: You can't have me working hard and then being like, Okay,
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: she's got to be like the girl from Illinois. I
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: am the girl from Illinois. That's who I am. I
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to do the things I do if
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: I weren't that girl from Illinois.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: I think twenty twenty six is the year of leaving
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: less blank spaces to be filled in by somebody else
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: and filling them in ourselves. And if we have the
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: pen in our hand, we are in control of what's
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: being written. And that is what you're going to do
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: in twenty twenty six. You're going to stop leaving these
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: blank spaces for these guys to fill in the holes,
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: and you're going to write in and you're going to
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: express to them what you are looking for. Kelly, I
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: love you so much, and I'm sorry to hear about
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: this breakup, but I'm really excited about what this year
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: could be for you. And we're going to take our
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: listeners on this journey once again, because it's I Do
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: Part two and you're looking for your part two. You
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: want to get married and find love, and I have
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: no doubt that you're going to find it.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: I love you, Heather, Thank you for that. I really
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: really really appreciate your constructive criticism and amazing thoughts to
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: make me better. I want to be better and I
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: want to I want to I want to full, I
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: want to feel full, but I'm just I mean the
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: most important part of this breakup is that I felt
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: love for the first time of my life, and I'm very,
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: very very grateful for that.
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: That's amazing. You have to feel full on your own,
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: not from somebody else coming into your life. So we'll
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: work on that this year. But I love you. That's
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: for another episode.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us today and I
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: do Part two. You can follow us Instagram. Everything is
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: in the show notes. We are here for you, guys.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming on my
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: journey with me. I appreciate you and love you. I
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: do Part two. We're falling in love is always the
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: main objective.