Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Surviving the Suicidal Thoughts Storm with Jeanette Tashjian

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Surviving the Suicidal Thoughts Storm with Jeanette Tashjian · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

0:00
Speaker 1: Hey, guys and dolls.
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Speaker 2: Before we jump into this episode, a note about our
0:03
Speaker 2: content today. This is created for adult audiences only. We
0:08
Speaker 2: advise listener discretion, so if you need a breather, take
0:11
Speaker 2: a break.
0:12
Speaker 1: And come back later.
0:17
Speaker 2: This is your Pain Game Podcast where we talk about
0:20
Speaker 2: the game of living in and with chronic pain and trauma,
0:23
Speaker 2: getting to the heart of how to heal. I am
0:26
Speaker 2: your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan on
0:31
Speaker 2: discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
0:36
Speaker 2: and anybody that is interested in having their voice.
0:39
Speaker 1: Heard in the chronic pain and trauma world that we
0:42
Speaker 1: live in.
0:52
Speaker 2: Today's going to be a tough conversation, guys, but one
0:54
Speaker 2: that is one hundred percent necessary. So grab some tissues.
0:58
Speaker 2: I have mine right here, so is my guests. We're
1:00
Speaker 2: ready to rock and roll. Buckle up because it's gonna
1:03
Speaker 2: be tough, but it's also going to be amazing at
1:05
Speaker 2: the same time. So if you are new to listening
1:08
Speaker 2: to the Pain Game Podcast, welcome.
1:10
Speaker 1: It is lovely to have you.
1:11
Speaker 2: I hope that we give you some love and some
1:13
Speaker 2: joy and probably a bit of some tears today as well.
1:16
Speaker 1: But if you are new.
1:17
Speaker 2: I have something that's super rare and excruciatingly painful disease
1:21
Speaker 2: called complex regional pain syndrome CRPS. Bill here is talking
1:25
Speaker 2: about that today, and so does my guest today. Well,
1:28
Speaker 2: what's so interesting about CRPS, if we can call it interesting,
1:32
Speaker 2: is that it doesn't act the same way in each
1:34
Speaker 2: person that has it. Right, there are similar traits, but
1:38
Speaker 2: everybody's bod is different in how their CRPS presents itself.
1:42
Speaker 2: But if there's one thing that is the same across
1:44
Speaker 2: the board, is that against the board of the group
1:47
Speaker 2: of warriors that we are here, is that it is
1:49
Speaker 2: higher on than mc gill pain scale than natural childbirth.
1:52
Speaker 2: We're walking around having natural childbirth twenty four hours a day.
1:56
Speaker 2: This is what we're doing here, and my guests and
1:59
Speaker 2: I do it with a big gass smile on our
2:00
Speaker 2: face and this kind of personality. And it's hard to
2:03
Speaker 2: believe that we could be in the kind of pain
2:05
Speaker 2: that we are when you hear the two of us
2:06
Speaker 2: speak today. But all I know is that my CRPS
2:10
Speaker 2: is debilitating, it's getting worse.
2:12
Speaker 1: It's crushing our hearts and our souls.
2:15
Speaker 2: And there are days and I'm speaking on behalf of
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Speaker 2: my guests as well as myself, that there are days
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Speaker 2: when we both want to legitimately commit suicide.
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Speaker 1: There are days that I just don't.
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Speaker 2: I can't take it anymore because the thought of going
2:26
Speaker 2: on one more minute and this kind of pain is unbearable.
2:30
Speaker 2: And it's hard for my brain, my pain brain that
2:33
Speaker 2: has been changed from chronic pain over time, to even
2:37
Speaker 2: fathom how bad I am going to feel in five
2:40
Speaker 2: years from now.
2:43
Speaker 1: Told you so.
2:44
Speaker 2: Today we are going to get down and dirty to
2:47
Speaker 2: talk about dealing with the day to day of living
2:51
Speaker 2: with chronic pain and illness, which is one of the
2:54
Speaker 2: many things that we talk about here on the show
2:56
Speaker 2: year after bloody year, This ongoing, relentless pain that we
3:00
Speaker 2: struggle with twenty four hours a day, and how both
3:03
Speaker 2: Jeannette my guests are introducing a second how we are
3:06
Speaker 2: just trying to survive the unimaginable life that we did
3:11
Speaker 2: not sign up for with grace, dignity, depravity. That's my
3:17
Speaker 2: coping mechanism, laughter, and a whole lot of tears without
3:21
Speaker 2: committing suicide in the middle of it all, and taking
3:24
Speaker 2: care of all of our loved ones and our business
3:26
Speaker 2: and our kids and our nieces and our nephews and
3:28
Speaker 2: our grandkids and and ann Ann and we're still doing
3:31
Speaker 2: it and rocking it. So without further ado, I would
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Speaker 2: like to introduce you to my guest today, Jeanette tash Jan.
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Speaker 1: Hello, my darling, I lindsay, how are you, sweetheart? Well,
3:42
Speaker 1: I'm already crying and we're a minute.
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Speaker 3: In so congratulation.
3:48
Speaker 1: I lasted one second longer than I thought I was
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Speaker 1: going to, so real quick.
3:52
Speaker 2: So Jeanette is the sauna doctor, as we like to
3:54
Speaker 2: call her, extraordinaire, and she's the owner of Bourbank and
3:58
Speaker 2: Frared Sauna, which is in Los Angeles, which is where
4:00
Speaker 2: I found her and met her. She is a wife, mother, grandmother,
4:03
Speaker 2: and a wellness advocate. Not to mention, she also is
4:06
Speaker 2: a retired baller Rena, and her main goal in life
4:09
Speaker 2: now is to find a cure or at least an
4:12
Speaker 2: excellent treatment for CRPS, which we are chasing every day.
4:16
Speaker 2: And that's the reason why I started this show. Are
4:19
Speaker 2: for people like myself and Jeanette, and that's why we're
4:21
Speaker 2: both here. You know, we're going to give pain purpose.
4:23
Speaker 2: We're going to educate about CRPS and discuss how sad
4:27
Speaker 2: wanting to die is because that is legitimately what she
4:30
Speaker 2: and I talk about, and we text each other and
4:32
Speaker 2: we're emergency contacts for each other and we have to
4:35
Speaker 2: talk each other off the ledge. And there's an important
4:37
Speaker 2: aspect of having your village around you. You know that
4:42
Speaker 2: you can trust to say these things and talk to
4:44
Speaker 2: them and be open about it, because it's really scary
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Speaker 2: to talk about suicidal ideations. It's scary to talk about
4:51
Speaker 2: the fact that we've thought about them.
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Speaker 1: How we do it? Googling it? That shit is nuts.
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Speaker 1: So anyways, let's see. So, Hi, honey, how are you
5:01
Speaker 1: feeling today?
5:02
Speaker 3: Well, I'm out of five right now. It's good. We
5:06
Speaker 3: are still early in the day, we are, but I'm
5:11
Speaker 3: just so ecstatic to be doing this show with you, Lindsey.
5:14
Speaker 3: I just want to give everyone that you know potentially
5:17
Speaker 3: has any sort of pain in their life some hope
5:20
Speaker 3: and also that to keep pushing forward, that don't ever
5:25
Speaker 3: give up. I think that's my main thing that I
5:29
Speaker 3: want to give across. Please don't ever give up.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, we have to say that to ourselves to each
5:33
Speaker 2: other often, far more often than I'd like it to be. Unfortunately,
5:38
Speaker 2: and like I mentioned earlier, things have not gotten better
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Speaker 2: for either of us. All right, well, I'm rolling out
5:44
Speaker 2: the red carpet for you, babe. You briefly mentioned about
5:47
Speaker 2: getting diagnosed when you were a child, So can we
5:48
Speaker 2: touch on that really quickly and then we'll get into
5:50
Speaker 2: the nitty gritty of things absolutely.
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Speaker 3: So you know, as a child, you know, your memories
5:56
Speaker 3: are a little askewed, but from what I remember, you know,
6:01
Speaker 3: I went to wake up one day to go to school,
6:03
Speaker 3: and I put my feet on the ground and my
6:06
Speaker 3: right foot felt like it was absolutely shattered in a
6:09
Speaker 3: million pieces. And I screamed, and my mom, of course,
6:12
Speaker 3: came into my bedroom and asked me what was wrong,
6:14
Speaker 3: and I said, I can't walk on my foot. It
6:16
Speaker 3: feels like it's broken. I did not go to school
6:20
Speaker 3: that day. My mom called the pediatrician and we got
6:22
Speaker 3: in immediately. And by that time, it obviously had already
6:27
Speaker 3: been brewing because the doctor, the pediatrician could see the
6:31
Speaker 3: color changes in my right foot already. It was purple,
6:34
Speaker 3: it was blue, and that had obviously crept up out
6:38
Speaker 3: of nowhere. And as a kid, I didn't know that
6:41
Speaker 3: that was a problem, but it took the foot becoming
6:45
Speaker 3: not usable, and that level of pain for me to realize, Wow,
6:49
Speaker 3: there's something wrong with my foot. So we ended up
6:53
Speaker 3: you know, at Children's hospital, being admitted and having to
6:57
Speaker 3: stay there for several weeks as patient. And that was
7:01
Speaker 3: very traumatic to have to leave my parents and stay
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Speaker 3: in a hospital and wonder what was going to happen
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Speaker 3: to me or you know, was I going to get
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Speaker 3: to go home?
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Speaker 1: A lot of what is yeah, like abandon it? Like
7:13
Speaker 1: is this it? Am I now living in a hospital?
7:15
Speaker 1: Where is everybody?
7:16
Speaker 3: Yeah? So you know, trauma basically trauma on top of trauma.
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Speaker 2: Well, and that's what happens, and it carries on and
7:23
Speaker 2: we talked about all the time. I think I may
7:24
Speaker 2: mention this book on every single episode of my show,
7:26
Speaker 2: but the body keeps the score and it absolutely does.
7:30
Speaker 2: And from you with me, like my childhood trauma started
7:33
Speaker 2: when I was about nine years old, and that's when
7:36
Speaker 2: a lot of my health issues started to kind of
7:37
Speaker 2: creep up. And I know that you had some bullying
7:39
Speaker 2: issues and there were all kinds of things that were
7:41
Speaker 2: going on in your world too from a traumatic perspective,
7:43
Speaker 2: and there's other things that we just don't.
7:45
Speaker 1: Have to talk about. But man, I mean trauma is
7:48
Speaker 1: trauma is trauma.
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Speaker 2: And I don't like when people call it big trauma
7:52
Speaker 2: versus little trauma, because it's whatever your trauma is to you.
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Speaker 2: So you know, if you want it to be big,
7:57
Speaker 2: call it big. But you know, whatever we want it
8:00
Speaker 2: to be, it's trauma in my brain. So no matter
8:03
Speaker 2: what age you are, it's traumatic, no matter what happens
8:06
Speaker 2: to you, that how you're affected by it, how your
8:08
Speaker 2: body responds to it, how your brain responds, especially with
8:10
Speaker 2: you being so young with your diagnosis, I mean, your
8:13
Speaker 2: little brain is still just warming, right, But so you
8:16
Speaker 2: end up going into remission, and then you end up
8:17
Speaker 2: studying at the Geoffrey Ballet and ended up becoming a
8:21
Speaker 2: professional ballerina. And this is on a foot that you
8:25
Speaker 2: can't walk on when you're ten. Can you talk to
8:26
Speaker 2: me about how this even happened. This is amazing.
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Speaker 3: Honestly, all the years that I was so active with
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Speaker 3: this foot, I think that's what kept the crps at bay.
8:37
Speaker 3: I think I was strengthening it and using it and
8:40
Speaker 3: allowing blood flow. The funny thing behind this is that
8:44
Speaker 3: as a child, when I would go take my ballet classes,
8:47
Speaker 3: I would literally sit here ready for this sit in
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Speaker 3: the bathroom in the sink with hot water to warm
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Speaker 3: my feet up before I would put my tights and
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Speaker 3: my leotard on to go to class. I did know
8:59
Speaker 3: that this was not normal, and who knew. You're a child.
9:05
Speaker 3: Do you think, oh, I just have cold these times?
9:07
Speaker 2: If you've been walked around seeing a bunch of your
9:08
Speaker 2: friends putting their feet in the sink, I mean, let's
9:10
Speaker 2: be real.
9:11
Speaker 3: Zero right but lobby, yeah, but over here. That was
9:15
Speaker 3: my coping mechanism in order to do my hobby that
9:21
Speaker 3: became a full time sport career. In order to make
9:27
Speaker 3: that happen, I literally would put my feet, like I said,
9:30
Speaker 3: in the warm water, get them super super hot, put
9:33
Speaker 3: my tights, put my leotard and my leg warmers on,
9:36
Speaker 3: and then go take class for hours. And that was
9:40
Speaker 3: how I dealt with the CRPS, not even realizing that.
9:45
Speaker 3: Of course I wasn't in remission. My feet were frozen.
9:48
Speaker 3: They were like you know, ice.
9:50
Speaker 2: Blocks, crazy, it's so crazy, and so yours were like
9:54
Speaker 2: ice box.
9:54
Speaker 1: And now we go through there.
9:55
Speaker 2: There's so many different, like wonderful things about CRPS that
9:59
Speaker 2: happened into our bodies. And in fact, I literally have
10:02
Speaker 2: ice booties on my feet as we're speaking right now,
10:05
Speaker 2: because my feet are on fire and my bones feel
10:08
Speaker 2: like they're broken in my feet, and it's really hard
10:11
Speaker 2: to walk when you feel that way.
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Speaker 1: It truly is it, truly is so.
10:16
Speaker 2: So you end up getting into your ballerina and we
10:19
Speaker 2: met and you weren't you weren't You were in rementioned still,
10:22
Speaker 2: so you were just you know, your crazy little self
10:24
Speaker 2: walking around and vacuuming and doing your thing. And I
10:27
Speaker 2: was like barely hanging on and started going to your
10:30
Speaker 2: sauna every single morning. I ended up buying one from her, actually,
10:33
Speaker 2: and we have one in our home because it was
10:36
Speaker 2: just a lot to go up and down and up
10:37
Speaker 2: and down, up and down. And now I can use
10:39
Speaker 2: it anytime I want to too, which is lovely. But
10:41
Speaker 2: can you talk just a little bit about the benefits
10:43
Speaker 2: of infrared sauna at your business, because you're the hold
10:46
Speaker 2: is your business.
10:47
Speaker 3: Now again, it's eight years this March.
10:49
Speaker 1: Eight years and you just moved to a new facility,
10:51
Speaker 1: which I have yet to see it.
10:52
Speaker 3: Yes, and it's been a year at the new facility
10:54
Speaker 3: all lot, I know, yep, a year already.
10:57
Speaker 2: Last year was a really long girl. You come in
11:01
Speaker 2: and help you vacuum again.
11:03
Speaker 3: Oh great, what a pair will be no.
11:06
Speaker 2: Anyway, So the benefits of infreds on it, and not
11:08
Speaker 2: just for CRPS.
11:10
Speaker 3: Not just for CRPS. We're talking about lowering inflammation levels,
11:14
Speaker 3: helping regulate with blood pressure. You're detoxing on a cellular
11:19
Speaker 3: level because you are pulling up things that are stored
11:22
Speaker 3: in your tissues. We're talking about pharmaceuticals, anesthesia from surgery,
11:26
Speaker 3: Our food and our water and our air is definitely
11:30
Speaker 3: not clean and all this stuff is stored in our body.
11:34
Speaker 3: Our livers, stagnant kidneys aren't working properly. So inference on
11:38
Speaker 3: it is one of the truly only ways where we
11:41
Speaker 3: can pull these toxins up and sweat them out. It
11:45
Speaker 3: helps with sleep, can help regulate your circadian rhythm, It
11:50
Speaker 3: helps females with going through menopause. The list is so long,
11:54
Speaker 3: it's just unbelievable.
11:56
Speaker 2: And what is the difference between infrared versus going to
12:00
Speaker 2: like you're at the day spat and you go to
12:01
Speaker 2: a dry sauna or something like that. What is the
12:03
Speaker 2: difference between those Because they both have good benefits for you, obviously,
12:06
Speaker 2: but INFRED works on a much deeper level.
12:09
Speaker 3: So a traditional finish sauna, which is from Finland, and
12:14
Speaker 3: those saunas where you typically it's super super hot we're
12:18
Speaker 3: talking about two hundred degree spahrenheit or hotter where you
12:22
Speaker 3: would actually pour water over the rocks or you can
12:24
Speaker 3: pull the chain in that type of and the water
12:27
Speaker 3: will disperse over the rocks. That is considered like it's
12:30
Speaker 3: a dry sauna, meaning that it's you're sitting and you're dry,
12:35
Speaker 3: but there's water going over the rocks. Now, these types
12:38
Speaker 3: of saunas have been used forever. Children go in them
12:41
Speaker 3: in Finland and the health benefits are incredible. You reduce
12:46
Speaker 3: the risk of heart attack and stroke dramatically by saunaing,
12:51
Speaker 3: you know, four to times to five times a week
12:53
Speaker 3: using a finish type sauna. Now you take the technology
12:57
Speaker 3: of an infrared sauna, and my saunas are spectrum which
13:00
Speaker 3: is near, mid, and far. They've harnessed all three so
13:04
Speaker 3: the near is the red aspect of the light, the
13:07
Speaker 3: mid and far is the heater sources. So with that
13:11
Speaker 3: technology you are penetrating your body up to two inches deep.
13:15
Speaker 3: So you can imagine those infrared are the raised harnessed
13:20
Speaker 3: from the sun that when you're standing outside and you
13:23
Speaker 3: get that warm, cozy feeling from the sun, not the
13:27
Speaker 3: UVA or UVB where we're tanning, but that the warm like,
13:30
Speaker 3: oh I'm warming, So that feels so good. Those are
13:34
Speaker 3: infrared rays and so they penetrate into your body and
13:38
Speaker 3: you are then able to pull up and sweat out
13:40
Speaker 3: and detox well.
13:42
Speaker 2: And I did a really good one today because I've
13:45
Speaker 2: had I've changed a little bit of my protocol. I
13:47
Speaker 2: just started with the new doctor, as you know, and
13:49
Speaker 2: I'm like, i made a commitment to myself that I've
13:52
Speaker 2: got to shift a little bit of how I'm doing
13:54
Speaker 2: things in the morning, change the way I'm doing because
13:56
Speaker 2: I'm just like in the same grind.
13:58
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm doing the same thing.
13:59
Speaker 2: I'm doing this, I'm like to change it up because
14:01
Speaker 2: my brain's just bored andy're doing the same thing. And
14:03
Speaker 2: so I took a little bit of a break from
14:04
Speaker 2: infrared SNA for like a couple of weeks, and I
14:07
Speaker 2: could one hundred percent tell the difference, right that's and
14:12
Speaker 2: so today I got back into I was all nervous.
14:14
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, am I gonna am
14:16
Speaker 2: I gonna get sick? Because I pain puke all the time.
14:19
Speaker 2: Like this morning was white. The hurling session, it was lovely.
14:24
Speaker 2: Bill's like, what's going on. I'm like, I'm dying, don't.
14:28
Speaker 1: Talk to me. But the but the infrared sauna was
14:31
Speaker 1: so incredible this morning.
14:33
Speaker 2: I ended up being in there for like an hour
14:34
Speaker 2: and I didn't even realize it. I was just listening
14:37
Speaker 2: to my whatever on my insight time or my meditation music,
14:40
Speaker 2: and I was setting up all my little chotchki's and
14:42
Speaker 2: my sona because.
14:43
Speaker 1: We just moved.
14:44
Speaker 2: It's such a special place and it's a place where
14:47
Speaker 2: I meditate, I read, I think, I write. Actually I'm
14:51
Speaker 2: sweaty writing, but I still I write in there. There
14:54
Speaker 2: are so many things that I accomplish in there before
14:57
Speaker 2: my day kicks off that I love doing it in
14:59
Speaker 2: the morning versus doing it at night. Is there a
15:01
Speaker 2: better time for people to do it, you know? Or
15:05
Speaker 2: is it just a preference. I've never asked you that,
15:07
Speaker 2: so to.
15:07
Speaker 3: Know anytime, but anytime is a good.
15:10
Speaker 2: Time come for sick dot com.
15:16
Speaker 1: Well, okay, so that's good because a lot of people
15:18
Speaker 1: are like, what's the difference between infrared and all that?
15:19
Speaker 2: And when you google, you can google all the different chromatherapy,
15:22
Speaker 2: and you can read about what the different lights are
15:24
Speaker 2: about what they tackle, whether it better for your skin,
15:27
Speaker 2: whether they're good for inflammation, whether no matter what the
15:30
Speaker 2: inference on is good for your inflammation.
15:31
Speaker 1: It also helps with weight loss, It does help with sleeplike.
15:33
Speaker 2: Janette mentioned it's weird calling you Janet by the way, Yes,
15:36
Speaker 2: who is this person I'm talking to? So now you
15:41
Speaker 2: thank you for sharing that, because I think that's really important,
15:43
Speaker 2: because this isn't just for people that live in chronic pain,
15:46
Speaker 2: right It's for all of us. We all live in
15:48
Speaker 2: such a gross, toxic world right now, and you know,
15:52
Speaker 2: we can only do so much to keep ourselves healthy
15:54
Speaker 2: and our immune systems going, and our food sucks. And
15:57
Speaker 2: you know, whenever I go over to Europe, I feel great,
16:00
Speaker 2: stomach's great, my pain level's low. I come back home
16:03
Speaker 2: to the United States of America and I feel like
16:05
Speaker 2: jumping off a cliff. That's for a million different reasons,
16:07
Speaker 2: but one of them is CRPS, So you know, and
16:10
Speaker 2: one of the things that you were in remission for
16:12
Speaker 2: so long and then you ended up popping right back
16:17
Speaker 2: into my team on being on CRPS team, and I
16:20
Speaker 2: don't like you being on my team. I don't mean
16:23
Speaker 2: I'm glad that I have you, but I don't want
16:25
Speaker 2: you to live like this.
16:26
Speaker 1: So what the hell is going on?
16:28
Speaker 2: You've got three year anniversary of your flare starting tomorrow,
16:33
Speaker 2: so the past three years, what have you been doing?
16:35
Speaker 2: I mean outside of you know, navigating our new normal.
16:39
Speaker 3: So that's definitely at navigating a new normal, which is
16:44
Speaker 3: a hard pill to swallow, and it is one hundred
16:46
Speaker 3: percent first having to accept that I'm disabled. Yeah, and
16:51
Speaker 3: it started with, you know, something as simple as asking
16:56
Speaker 3: my doctor to please give me a handicapped placard. It's
17:00
Speaker 3: all the little things that come with accepting the road
17:04
Speaker 3: that you're on and allowing to move forward and just saying,
17:09
Speaker 3: you know what, do I like that I have a
17:12
Speaker 3: handicapped placard. I went from a red one, which was temporary, right, yes,
17:16
Speaker 3: and we do we do little baby steps when we're
17:19
Speaker 3: disabled because it's easier to bite and chew off a
17:22
Speaker 3: little bit at a time. So it went from having
17:25
Speaker 3: a red temporary one to then saying to doc, hey,
17:29
Speaker 3: you know what I just need to I need to
17:31
Speaker 3: stop being you know, thinking that this is going to
17:34
Speaker 3: go away anytime soon, and I, you know, let's just
17:37
Speaker 3: do a and so it's stuff like that, and it
17:39
Speaker 3: may sound childish or stupid to other people, but it's
17:42
Speaker 3: having to accept the fact that you're disabled and that
17:45
Speaker 3: you can't live your life like you used to. It
17:48
Speaker 3: was like a line in the sand that got drawn.
17:51
Speaker 3: And there's no going back to that old life that
17:53
Speaker 3: we had, short of a miracle being instilled on me
17:57
Speaker 3: or you or our other CRPS warriors that were involved with,
18:04
Speaker 3: and short of an absolute miracle, our new normal is
18:09
Speaker 3: navigating the disability world, which means handicapped placards, crutches, wheelchairs.
18:17
Speaker 3: We just bought a new bed. We spent a lot
18:19
Speaker 3: of money and it's a bed that goes up and
18:21
Speaker 3: down and gravity this and just to help me sleep
18:25
Speaker 3: better because my sleep is a train wreck because of
18:29
Speaker 3: my pain. And so those are the navigating things that
18:34
Speaker 3: you know, I'm fifty three years young and I'm navigating
18:40
Speaker 3: a lot for someone right at this age when I
18:43
Speaker 3: should be. I feel like it's the prime of my
18:46
Speaker 3: life right and I absolutely feel like my life has
18:50
Speaker 3: completely it's been turned upside down.
18:53
Speaker 2: It has Mine has too, and it has for your husband, Brian,
18:58
Speaker 2: and from my husband, Bill, and we did an episode
19:00
Speaker 2: form one hundredth episodes together. If you haven't listened to it,
19:03
Speaker 2: it's worthwhile, especially to hear a loved one's a spouse
19:08
Speaker 2: what they go through too, because it's really important that
19:12
Speaker 2: we let them cry, that we let them be upset,
19:15
Speaker 2: that we let them get angry, that we let them
19:18
Speaker 2: talk about hard stuff with us, and that we feel
19:22
Speaker 2: comfortable enough that we can talk to them like Brian
19:24
Speaker 2: Lake Bill, where we can talk to them about the
19:27
Speaker 2: student's suicidal ideations and where.
19:29
Speaker 1: That comes from.
19:30
Speaker 2: And some of it comes from the medications that we've
19:32
Speaker 2: been put on too, which is a scary part of
19:35
Speaker 2: navigating the new norm. God, I am just leaking over here,
19:37
Speaker 2: crying on my eyes are just leaking.
19:39
Speaker 3: I'm leaking.
19:40
Speaker 2: I'm glad I put on all this fancy makeup for
19:42
Speaker 2: you today, lobby anyway, so you're welcome, because that's what
19:46
Speaker 2: you and I do.
19:47
Speaker 1: We show up.
19:48
Speaker 2: Nobody would think that you are five right now, and
19:50
Speaker 2: I am a six right now, and I have my
19:53
Speaker 2: little calendar where I write my numbers down what I
19:55
Speaker 2: am every day.
19:55
Speaker 1: The entire month of May has been a ain f
19:58
Speaker 1: the ask go.
19:58
Speaker 2: It has been so high and trying to identify what
20:04
Speaker 2: it is that's causing that pain to get you know,
20:07
Speaker 2: ruffled up. Well, a lot of it is talking to
20:09
Speaker 2: our spouses, talking to our family members, talking to our
20:11
Speaker 2: coworkers about what's really going on, and also not saying
20:16
Speaker 2: yes to everything, because what we tend to do is
20:20
Speaker 2: as soon as we start feeling a little bit better,
20:23
Speaker 2: all I do is go full throttle and get everything
20:26
Speaker 2: I can possibly get done on the planet. Whether it's
20:29
Speaker 2: tidying up the house or doing laundry or going to
20:31
Speaker 2: the supermarket, which I cannot do. I end up doing them,
20:35
Speaker 2: and I push myself and I push myself and then
20:37
Speaker 2: I'm down for the count for like three sometimes five days.
20:40
Speaker 1: It totally depends.
20:42
Speaker 2: And without us being able to lean on our village
20:45
Speaker 2: like I was mentioning earlier, and lean on our loved ones,
20:49
Speaker 2: it's also hard for them to be leaned on.
20:52
Speaker 1: So we have to we have.
20:53
Speaker 2: To be cognizant of how this is also affecting the
20:55
Speaker 2: people in our lives.
20:56
Speaker 1: And that's also the people that we work with, right.
20:58
Speaker 2: I mean, I know you run your bit business, I've
21:00
Speaker 2: run mine for twenty four years, and our people have to.
21:05
Speaker 1: Work around our pain.
21:07
Speaker 2: Like I honestly, there's no possible way I can make
21:10
Speaker 2: that zoom call today because I am in bed, I
21:12
Speaker 2: cannot walk. I crawled to the bathroom. I've been throwing
21:15
Speaker 2: up all morning. It feels like somebody whipped me from
21:20
Speaker 2: a head.
21:20
Speaker 1: To toe, you know.
21:21
Speaker 2: Like, and these people that we work with, you have
21:24
Speaker 2: to be able to be honest and open with them
21:26
Speaker 2: and tell them this is what's going on, especially if
21:28
Speaker 2: you have, you know, an intimate team of people. But
21:31
Speaker 2: it's just something that's part of navigating that new norm.
21:34
Speaker 2: And the handicapped pop packard thing is really interesting and
21:36
Speaker 2: by the way, you can use them when you travel
21:38
Speaker 2: into other countries. So yeah, so when you're driving around,
21:42
Speaker 2: if you go if you're traveling or going to Europe,
21:44
Speaker 2: or you're going wherever you're going, Mexico, wherever you're going,
21:46
Speaker 2: you can use your handicapp plackkards in other countries and
21:48
Speaker 2: they will, you know, they honor them. So just a
21:51
Speaker 2: little tidbit for travelers. And that's something also that came
21:54
Speaker 2: into the new norm. How do you travel in an
21:57
Speaker 2: airport when you're in this much pain? Well, I got
22:00
Speaker 2: a wheelchair and I love my thing. I mean, whenever
22:02
Speaker 2: there's a heel in an airport, I go straight down
22:04
Speaker 2: as fast as I possibly can. Like all of my
22:07
Speaker 2: sports girls stuff that I used to do comes out
22:10
Speaker 2: when I'm in my chair. Because I got a sports
22:11
Speaker 2: chair that I can exercise in. I can go, I
22:14
Speaker 2: can go do wheelies in it. I can you know,
22:17
Speaker 2: I can spin around in it. And I've gotten so
22:18
Speaker 2: much better about it, and now I don't mind it.
22:21
Speaker 2: I don't mind it at all. But it took getting
22:24
Speaker 2: used to it, and it took accepting, like you said,
22:27
Speaker 2: and it's not a short trip to get to acceptance.
22:31
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I'm one hundred percent there,
22:32
Speaker 1: to be honest.
22:33
Speaker 2: Because I have hope that that I'm going to get better,
22:36
Speaker 2: that You're going to get better. So it's hard for
22:39
Speaker 2: me to fully one hundred percent accept it. I refuse
22:41
Speaker 2: to because I don't want to give into it.
22:45
Speaker 3: Well, I think that's great because that's human nature, and
22:48
Speaker 3: that is that at the end of the day, that
22:51
Speaker 3: is the hope that somehow, some way you and I
22:56
Speaker 3: will get better and that these modalities that we have
22:59
Speaker 3: right now are just to help us temporary. But I
23:03
Speaker 3: will tell you, getting my wheelchair, and mine was actually
23:08
Speaker 3: gifted to me by a chiropractor and he knew how
23:13
Speaker 3: much I was struggling, and he had been working on me.
23:17
Speaker 3: And one day I could barely get back to my car,
23:20
Speaker 3: and he said, let me just put the wheelchair that
23:23
Speaker 3: we have at the office in your trunk and you
23:24
Speaker 3: can take it home and you can just use it
23:28
Speaker 3: if you need it. And he was so gentle and
23:30
Speaker 3: kind about it, and I wanted to say no, but
23:33
Speaker 3: in my head, in my heart, I knew that I
23:35
Speaker 3: needed it.
23:36
Speaker 1: I know, I've been trying to get you to get
23:38
Speaker 1: a wheelchair for a while, so I was happy to
23:41
Speaker 1: hear this.
23:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, because it's given me freedom. Because when my pain
23:46
Speaker 3: levels every night are so high that I cannot walk
23:51
Speaker 3: in my house, or I can't get to the bathroom,
23:54
Speaker 3: or I can't get to the kitchen to get anything,
23:58
Speaker 3: it's given me my freedom back. And if accepting means
24:03
Speaker 3: that I'll have some freedom, then that's where I am.
24:07
Speaker 3: I've accepted the fact that I do need a wheelchair
24:10
Speaker 3: because my CRPS is in both feet up to my knees.
24:14
Speaker 3: Many nights, it could be even up to my lower back,
24:17
Speaker 3: my sacred area, and my legs are not stable, I
24:20
Speaker 3: cannot walk, and so I have completely surrendered, knowing that
24:26
Speaker 3: I'm much safer and I have more freedom when I'm
24:30
Speaker 3: in my chair.
24:31
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I call mine my little buggy.
24:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, I call my buggy, and I throw my buggy
24:36
Speaker 2: in the back of my truck and then like, guse
24:38
Speaker 2: I I can't walk around the mall. I don't like
24:40
Speaker 2: really going to the mall anyway, but when I have
24:42
Speaker 2: to go to places like that, when I've got like
24:44
Speaker 2: shop for a trip or whatever, I'm in that puppy.
24:46
Speaker 2: When we're in museums, when we're traveling, when we're in
24:48
Speaker 2: the airport, I'm like, god, how many times do we
24:50
Speaker 2: do U turns in an airport because we're like, I
24:52
Speaker 2: don't even know what the hell any of these words mean,
24:55
Speaker 2: and so you're like going back and forth and turning around.
24:57
Speaker 2: We're like, well, I thought it was gay a and
24:58
Speaker 2: now it's this. And we got to take a shuttle
25:00
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my god. And I dressed my
25:02
Speaker 2: sweetie up in bright colors because he wanders off so
25:04
Speaker 2: I can see.
25:05
Speaker 1: Him because all I'm doing is looking at.
25:07
Speaker 2: Butts and getting farted on the entire time I'm traveling,
25:12
Speaker 2: you love it.
25:13
Speaker 1: So many farts.
25:14
Speaker 2: You have no idea how many people far in front
25:16
Speaker 2: of you when you are traveling.
25:17
Speaker 1: It is unbelievable. Museums, farts, airports, too many farts. I mean,
25:26
Speaker 1: it is unbelievable. You guys are all disgusting.
25:29
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it is super important for us to relinquish
25:33
Speaker 2: the control that we have.
25:34
Speaker 1: And you and I are both similar to that where OCD.
25:37
Speaker 1: We're clean freaks. We like everything the way that they're
25:39
Speaker 1: supposed to be.
25:40
Speaker 2: Why the hell would this happen to somebody like me
25:42
Speaker 2: should happen to these awful.
25:43
Speaker 1: People in this world? Right?
25:44
Speaker 2: But you know the part that scares me about you
25:49
Speaker 2: going into remission and then coming back out of it,
25:52
Speaker 2: is it happening to me as well? Being Like I
25:55
Speaker 2: have this like sense of this hope, like, oh my gosh,
25:58
Speaker 2: my body's working, I'm going to be to do all
26:00
Speaker 2: these things again. I'm going to start skiing again, I'm
26:02
Speaker 2: gonna start to be a little all the things. And
26:05
Speaker 2: then bam hit one morning and you're like, what, how
26:09
Speaker 2: in the world did you deal with that?
26:11
Speaker 1: I mean, I remember how you dealt with it, But
26:13
Speaker 1: please tell our audience. Yeah, great.
26:16
Speaker 3: No. I mean, you can imagine being in full remission
26:21
Speaker 3: from a very rare condition and you literally are at
26:25
Speaker 3: the point in your life where you don't even remember
26:27
Speaker 3: that you had it, Like the diagnosis is so far gone,
26:31
Speaker 3: like you're not even thinking this could ever come back
26:33
Speaker 3: to bite you in the butt.
26:35
Speaker 1: Right.
26:35
Speaker 3: And you know, I took my puppy for a walk
26:38
Speaker 3: three years ago. I was walking up our street and
26:42
Speaker 3: you know, we live in a ranching neighborhood and the
26:44
Speaker 3: street was kind of undulating. Great word to use, by
26:48
Speaker 3: the way, and I think my foot was just being
26:51
Speaker 3: tested a little too much. And lo and behold does
26:57
Speaker 3: it have dejabou?
26:58
Speaker 2: Here?
26:58
Speaker 3: The next morning, when I went to get out of bed,
27:01
Speaker 3: I put my foot on the ground and I screamed,
27:04
Speaker 3: and it felt like my foot was broken, And I thought,
27:07
Speaker 3: what the heck is going on? Now? During my walk,
27:10
Speaker 3: nothing happened. I didn't twist my ankle, I didn't do
27:12
Speaker 3: anything that would have alluded to the foot being broken.
27:16
Speaker 3: So here we are back in this what is wrong
27:19
Speaker 3: with my foot? And you know it's Memorial Day weekend,
27:23
Speaker 3: the end of end of May, and here we're thinking,
27:27
Speaker 3: you know, what's going on? And so I had to
27:29
Speaker 3: wait till the doctors came back and get in and
27:32
Speaker 3: to my orthopedis get an MRI ordered. And by that
27:36
Speaker 3: point I was on crutches. I could not put any
27:39
Speaker 3: weight on this foot, and it was like deja vu
27:42
Speaker 3: all over again. And you know, a week into it,
27:47
Speaker 3: the foot red black, purple, and I just thought, you
27:52
Speaker 3: have got to be kidding me. Here, here we are,
27:54
Speaker 3: Here we go again, or we go again, and your
27:57
Speaker 3: whole and like we said that apple card that you
28:00
Speaker 3: were living, living the life, and you're you know, you
28:04
Speaker 3: thought everything was great, honey dory, and that apple cart
28:07
Speaker 3: just gets turned upside down, and your apples are going
28:09
Speaker 3: in a million different directions and you don't know which
28:12
Speaker 3: one to pick up first. And and here we are
28:16
Speaker 3: three years later. The crps has gone from right foot
28:21
Speaker 3: only to left foot, both legs, into my hands, my
28:26
Speaker 3: teeth ache. I mean, I've had problems with my eyes,
28:31
Speaker 3: I've had problems with my female area. I mean it's
28:36
Speaker 3: I would consider at this point that I have full
28:39
Speaker 3: body crps.
28:40
Speaker 1: Yes at night or early morning, welcome, thank you. It's
28:45
Speaker 1: such a party over here.
28:47
Speaker 3: I literally get awakened from a dead sleep because I
28:52
Speaker 3: can feel my spinal cord vibrating my bones like vibrate
28:56
Speaker 3: like I'm plugged in with an electrical socket, and I
28:59
Speaker 3: feel running through them. Is There's some nights where I've
29:04
Speaker 3: asked Brian, you know, I've woken him up and said,
29:06
Speaker 3: am I having a seizure right now? And he's gipping
29:08
Speaker 3: it in the dark, going no, you look like you're
29:11
Speaker 3: perfectly still, But in my spinal column, I'm feeling like
29:15
Speaker 3: I'm vibrating so hard that I actually feel like I'm
29:18
Speaker 3: having a seizure. I know.
29:19
Speaker 1: That's nuts.
29:20
Speaker 2: When you shared that with me, that's like and I've
29:22
Speaker 2: got similar weird things where it feels like I've got
29:25
Speaker 2: hot lava worms running through all the veins in my body,
29:28
Speaker 2: and sometimes you can it's almost like I have an
29:31
Speaker 2: alien in my body. And this was actually found out
29:33
Speaker 2: later that i have lime disease on top of it.
29:36
Speaker 1: So I've got a parasite party going.
29:39
Speaker 2: On all day and that which adds to the pain,
29:41
Speaker 2: which adds to my all my stuff. My pain level
29:44
Speaker 2: goes up when there are things that really bother about
29:47
Speaker 2: are bothering me about the political environment that we're in,
29:50
Speaker 2: and I can tell my body just like a stressful,
29:52
Speaker 2: something happens or I read something that I'm like that
29:54
Speaker 2: is unbelievable, and a lot of it is because it
29:57
Speaker 2: affects our health as women, and it also helped it
30:00
Speaker 2: is going to be affecting the disability issues that we have.
30:03
Speaker 1: And so there's all these other things that kind of
30:05
Speaker 1: come up in the.
30:05
Speaker 2: Back of my brain of things that I'm worried about,
30:07
Speaker 2: and that worry of I'm never going to get better
30:10
Speaker 2: and the things that I do have might be taking
30:11
Speaker 2: away from me.
30:12
Speaker 1: I mean, it's it's it's it's just completely wackad do
30:16
Speaker 1: every single day.
30:17
Speaker 2: So and all of this adds up, right, and all
30:20
Speaker 2: of this keeps going and going and going, and I'm exhausted.
30:26
Speaker 2: Like I sound like I have a ton of energy,
30:28
Speaker 2: that's because I'm just I come in and I come
30:30
Speaker 2: in hot, and I come in for these episodes specifically
30:32
Speaker 2: so that I can give it my all. But man,
30:35
Speaker 2: I am I tired. I'm exhausted of living this way. Yeah,
30:39
Speaker 2: I'm exhausted. So what can we talk a little bit
30:41
Speaker 2: about our topic of wanting to leave the planet for
30:45
Speaker 2: a minute and why that There's a story that you
30:49
Speaker 2: told me a while back about your bathtub, and I
30:54
Speaker 2: remember immediately talking to Bill obviously about it. And this
30:58
Speaker 2: is where our emergency contact thing came into play, because
31:00
Speaker 2: it was like, you've got to call me when you
31:01
Speaker 2: ever feel like you're going to want to jump off
31:03
Speaker 2: a cliff, and vice versa with me.
31:05
Speaker 1: So what's going on with you?
31:06
Speaker 2: Because I know the reasons why it happens to me
31:09
Speaker 2: where I think about it and it scares the shit
31:11
Speaker 2: out of me. So can we talk about this because
31:14
Speaker 2: it's so taboo, you know, to talk about it because
31:17
Speaker 2: people are uncomfortable. I'm not uncomfortable talking about it anymore,
31:20
Speaker 2: and I want to make sure that people that are
31:23
Speaker 2: listening if you feel this way at all.
31:25
Speaker 1: Obviously there's the suicide hotlines.
31:27
Speaker 2: Well probably I know they canceled the suicide hotline at
31:29
Speaker 2: this point, but please make sure reach out to me,
31:34
Speaker 2: do whatever you need to do if you're ever ever
31:36
Speaker 2: ever feeling this way, because we understand and we're still
31:39
Speaker 2: sitting here, So can you talk to me a little
31:42
Speaker 2: bit about this?
31:43
Speaker 3: I can. This is definitely a topic that, like you said,
31:46
Speaker 3: is very taboo, and I don't like that because we
31:50
Speaker 3: need to make it so that we can normalize it.
31:53
Speaker 3: So that we can save people who are feeling this way.
31:58
Speaker 3: When something's taboo, you're afraid to talk about it, you're
32:01
Speaker 3: afraid to tell somebody. This is where I've come to
32:04
Speaker 3: in my pain journey, and I'm here right now, and
32:07
Speaker 3: this is the way I'm feeling, And like you elluded, Lindsey,
32:11
Speaker 3: my first episode where I actually felt like I wanted
32:16
Speaker 3: to commit suicide was based on being on a pharmaceutical.
32:21
Speaker 3: I had been on it for two and I won't
32:23
Speaker 3: say what it is because I don't think it's fair.
32:26
Speaker 3: I'm not here to bash the pharmaceutical.
32:27
Speaker 2: World well, and also, pharmaceuticals, medication affects every day.
32:30
Speaker 3: It's excellently one different. So this is not about bashing
32:34
Speaker 3: the pharmaceuticals because some of them have been very good,
32:37
Speaker 3: good for me and good to me. And so I
32:40
Speaker 3: just want to put that out there that a pharmaceutical
32:43
Speaker 3: that I did go on for two weeks, and it
32:45
Speaker 3: was exactly at the two week window, as if the
32:48
Speaker 3: medication had built up enough to alter my brain thought process.
32:53
Speaker 3: And one night I had gotten in the bathtub my
32:56
Speaker 3: pain levels were so high that I was begging my
33:00
Speaker 3: husband to drown me, to please push me under and
33:06
Speaker 3: to help me, help me go home. And I will
33:10
Speaker 3: tell you in that moment, I was so serious and
33:17
Speaker 3: so invested in that comment that when my husband looked
33:23
Speaker 3: at me, I know part of him probably wanted to
33:27
Speaker 3: because I was bagging him. And you know then the
33:32
Speaker 3: reality of I can't help assist my wife in doing this.
33:37
Speaker 3: Our children will not look at me very fondly, nor
33:40
Speaker 3: will the police department.
33:43
Speaker 1: So it talk about childhood trauma. Right, I drowned your mom?
33:48
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's okay, though she asked.
33:50
Speaker 1: Me too, So it's all good.
33:53
Speaker 3: It's all good. And in that moment, you you know,
33:55
Speaker 3: my spouse realized that we're done with this pharmaceutical because
34:00
Speaker 3: I've gotten to a point where it's altering what my
34:03
Speaker 3: brain is thinking and what and in a mind that
34:07
Speaker 3: prior to being on that pharmaceutical, you know, I may
34:10
Speaker 3: have been in a lot of pain, but I would
34:13
Speaker 3: not have come to that point where I would have
34:15
Speaker 3: said I want to end my life. I need to
34:17
Speaker 3: get out of here, I want to go home. And
34:20
Speaker 3: so we stupidly took me off the medication without being
34:24
Speaker 3: weaned off of it, which is a danger because I
34:27
Speaker 3: could have had a seizure. But my husband was willing
34:30
Speaker 3: to deal with a seizure versus having been concerned about
34:35
Speaker 3: leaving me at home and me attempting to do something
34:39
Speaker 3: that and succeeding at it. So he was willing to
34:42
Speaker 3: deal with the side effects of cold turkey going off medication,
34:48
Speaker 3: and I agreed to it. I was on board because
34:51
Speaker 3: I knew how I felt that night in that bathtub,
34:54
Speaker 3: and then you and I later then spoke about it,
34:58
Speaker 3: and I know that it scared you to pieces, and
35:02
Speaker 3: I've learned that it's okay with our illness to say
35:07
Speaker 3: I'm feeling suicidal right now. I'm feeling like I don't
35:12
Speaker 3: want to live this life anymore. I don't know how
35:16
Speaker 3: I'm going to handle this level of pain one more day,
35:22
Speaker 3: or I don't want to do this anymore. And I
35:26
Speaker 3: think it's okay. We're not failures and we're not giving in.
35:33
Speaker 3: We're just being honest that the pain that we are
35:37
Speaker 3: enduring is wearing us to the bone, and that we
35:42
Speaker 3: are being completely one hundred percent coherent and vulnerable to
35:48
Speaker 3: our husband's partner's friends, whoever it is. That we need
35:54
Speaker 3: to be rallied around right now, and that means don't
35:59
Speaker 3: leave us alone. Don't leave us with our thoughts. Don't
36:03
Speaker 3: leave us period, Because do I think ultimately lindsay that
36:09
Speaker 3: I could take my life. I want to say no, Yeah,
36:13
Speaker 3: me too, But I have because many reasons. I have
36:17
Speaker 3: a beautiful marriage, I have four beautiful children. Our oldest
36:22
Speaker 3: has given us a grandson. I have so much to
36:27
Speaker 3: live for and I know that. And I don't want
36:31
Speaker 3: to leave suicide as a legacy to my children. I
36:35
Speaker 3: don't want them to have to tell people that their
36:39
Speaker 3: mother committed suicide. I don't want that in their history.
36:44
Speaker 3: It's not fair to them. But I do know that
36:47
Speaker 3: it's very real and that I do encounter it more
36:51
Speaker 3: days than not. And just the other day, two days ago,
36:58
Speaker 3: I was in the kitchen and I was in a
37:00
Speaker 3: ass a flare. I was in my wheelchair and I
37:03
Speaker 3: was just staring out my kitchen window at the beautiful clouds,
37:07
Speaker 3: and I was thinking, I want to go. And I'm
37:11
Speaker 3: holding my little bag that I have, which has a
37:14
Speaker 3: tiger on it, which is so appropriate. It has all
37:17
Speaker 3: my medication in it. Everyone in my family knows if
37:21
Speaker 3: we have to call nine one one or whatever, grab
37:23
Speaker 3: the medication bag, so they know potentially what I'm on
37:28
Speaker 3: or what I could have taken or what I could
37:30
Speaker 3: have mixed if I had made a poor decision. Yeah,
37:35
Speaker 3: And I had my tiger bag and I was holding
37:37
Speaker 3: my pill that I try and not take, I take
37:40
Speaker 3: as needed. And in that moment, as I'm staring out
37:44
Speaker 3: the window, I was thinking, how many of these would
37:48
Speaker 3: I have to take at once? Yep, to just go
37:52
Speaker 3: to sleep. And your brain literally just you're no longer Lindsey,
37:58
Speaker 3: or you're no longer you are just in a fog
38:03
Speaker 3: of pain that's so debilitating that all you can think
38:08
Speaker 3: about is getting out of that body that is causing
38:11
Speaker 3: you so much pain. Right And in the background in
38:14
Speaker 3: the kitchen, I hear my husband saying, honey, what can
38:17
Speaker 3: I do to help you right now? What do I
38:18
Speaker 3: need to do? And he's just like, it's like a
38:20
Speaker 3: woman in the background, and so here here I'm trying.
38:26
Speaker 2: I'm literally had seen her face that you would have
38:28
Speaker 2: laughed like I did.
38:29
Speaker 3: Just now I'm literally out of my mind, literally, and
38:34
Speaker 3: I'm concocting all this stuff in my head, and my
38:38
Speaker 3: amazing husband is like and it like pulls me back
38:43
Speaker 3: and I'm like, wow, you know. So it's those.
38:46
Speaker 1: Moment that's right, That's why I'm here because you're nagging me.
38:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, I got to stay around else everyone else is
38:52
Speaker 2: gonna have to deal with your yapping in their ears
38:54
Speaker 2: without me helping them.
38:56
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, and men want to problem solve, you know.
39:01
Speaker 2: And I have that with with my sweetie because he's
39:03
Speaker 2: you know, he's like, what can I do? I feel
39:05
Speaker 2: helpless all the time, And I'm like, honestly, what I
39:08
Speaker 2: just need you to do is just listen to me, right,
39:10
Speaker 2: Just listen to what's going on in my brain so
39:12
Speaker 2: I can get it out so it doesn't stay inside
39:16
Speaker 2: me and make me even more sick or make me
39:17
Speaker 2: feel crazy. Because it makes you feel kind of crazy,
39:20
Speaker 2: I'm like, am I going nuts?
39:22
Speaker 3: Like?
39:23
Speaker 2: Because pain changes your brain, like it changes the fabric
39:28
Speaker 2: of your actual brain.
39:30
Speaker 1: It's not early changes your brain. It legitimately changes your brain.
39:33
Speaker 2: And so it changes everything from your focus and your
39:36
Speaker 2: concentration to rational thoughts to irritability of me. A lot
39:40
Speaker 2: of that's because we're so tired, just like everything bugs
39:44
Speaker 2: me and like constantly pmsing. Then you add paramenopause on
39:48
Speaker 2: top of it, which is also painful. So for us
39:51
Speaker 2: women who live in chronic pain when you're also then
39:54
Speaker 2: you're adding paramenopause on top of it, and you're adding
39:56
Speaker 2: all these hormonal changes that go on that and of
39:58
Speaker 2: itself causes pain, specifically in women's feet, if you can
40:02
Speaker 2: believe it. So if you're adding that too on top
40:06
Speaker 2: of all that, plus these medications that make us feel
40:08
Speaker 2: a little cuckoo, sometimes a little more than cuckoo, and
40:13
Speaker 2: some that you don't feel at all, that don't do
40:14
Speaker 2: anything for you, that that they just make you.
40:16
Speaker 1: Fat or you know.
40:16
Speaker 2: I mean, it's like it's just one thing after another
40:19
Speaker 2: and we're navigating that. But we're going to keep going.
40:22
Speaker 2: And we will not be drowning ourselves in bathtubs. We
40:25
Speaker 2: will not ask our loved ones to join us in
40:27
Speaker 2: bath bathtubs. We will not do these things. And that
40:31
Speaker 2: is my promise to you, and I know it's your
40:33
Speaker 2: promise to me. And we are here for you. I mean,
40:36
Speaker 2: we're here for each other. We're here for you, audience,
40:39
Speaker 2: and whatever questions you might have for us, or any
40:41
Speaker 2: needs you might have, or you just want to vent
40:43
Speaker 2: or whatever, please please reach out to us. I'll put
40:46
Speaker 2: her information, not her cellphone or either of that, but
40:49
Speaker 2: i will put her. You know her Instagram and her
40:51
Speaker 2: website and all that, and you can email her or whatever.
40:53
Speaker 2: I'm just generously offering your services to these people. But
40:56
Speaker 2: it's something that is helpful for us when we're in
41:00
Speaker 2: this space right now, because what is the point of
41:03
Speaker 2: us going through all of this if we can't help
41:05
Speaker 2: other people?
41:06
Speaker 3: Amen, what's the fucking point.
41:09
Speaker 2: That's why giving pain purposes why I'm here every day,
41:12
Speaker 2: because I gotta give it something. If I don't give
41:15
Speaker 2: it purpose out in the way, else the hell I'm
41:17
Speaker 2: gonna give it.
41:18
Speaker 3: I'm kicking the ass.
41:19
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I try it every day, but my
41:21
Speaker 1: feet hurt to kick. Oh man.
41:26
Speaker 2: And I know that we touched briefly on pharmaceuticals and
41:28
Speaker 2: medications and all of that, and that you didn't want
41:30
Speaker 2: to mention the medication. I appreciate you not doing that
41:34
Speaker 2: because there's some people that could be taking and it's
41:35
Speaker 2: just working fine. So I don't want anybody to feel
41:37
Speaker 2: like WHOA. I should probably look into this, but it
41:40
Speaker 2: is important for you to resoarch the pharmaceuticals before you
41:43
Speaker 2: start taking them, take a look at what the side
41:46
Speaker 2: effects are of them, be prepared for what those might be.
41:49
Speaker 2: So One of the things that I do with Bill
41:51
Speaker 2: is if I start something new, which in fact i'm
41:53
Speaker 2: starting something new today, is Honey, you have to read
41:56
Speaker 2: all of these things because you are my watcher. I'm
42:00
Speaker 2: not necessarily going to know if something funky is happening.
42:04
Speaker 1: How do I mean, who knows?
42:05
Speaker 2: Depending upon what the litany of things you know at
42:08
Speaker 2: the end of every fricking medication commercial, you know that
42:11
Speaker 2: you say.
42:12
Speaker 1: May cause oily discharge. I'm not taking it.
42:14
Speaker 2: If it's going to cause an oily discharge out of
42:15
Speaker 2: my butt, it's not happening.
42:18
Speaker 1: It's not happening.
42:21
Speaker 2: But that long list of things is super important for us,
42:24
Speaker 2: especially when we're in the kind of pain that we're in,
42:27
Speaker 2: especially under the exhaustion that we're in, where we don't
42:30
Speaker 2: necessarily feel like we're making the most rational decisions. We
42:32
Speaker 2: feel like we might be a little bit out of it.
42:34
Speaker 2: We feel, we feel, we feel Honey, I need you
42:37
Speaker 2: to see. These are the things that this medication can
42:39
Speaker 2: start causing, Like is my face starting to twitch?
42:41
Speaker 1: Do I have some random rash on my arm? Like?
42:44
Speaker 2: We need to be aware of those things and be
42:46
Speaker 2: prepared for them if they come up, And what the
42:48
Speaker 2: exit strategy is should they arise, because that's something when
42:52
Speaker 2: you're with your loved ones that you need to make sure.
42:54
Speaker 2: If you don't have a loved one that lives with
42:55
Speaker 2: you in your home, you need to find somebody that
42:57
Speaker 2: you can call and you can talk to, like there
42:59
Speaker 2: has to somebody that's there, that's in your village, even
43:02
Speaker 2: if it's a village of two, you know it's.
43:04
Speaker 1: A small village.
43:05
Speaker 2: Absolutely one is better than nut, right, So thank you
43:12
Speaker 2: for being as vulnerable and raw and open and real
43:15
Speaker 2: with me as you have today, My darling. I cried
43:18
Speaker 2: for most of this episode, which is a little bit
43:20
Speaker 2: more than I had planned.
43:20
Speaker 1: It just couldn't.
43:21
Speaker 2: I can't stop it once it gets go like cheese
43:23
Speaker 2: will weeze? And I'm looking at her sweet little face.
43:26
Speaker 2: So is there anything that you'd like to leave us
43:28
Speaker 2: with before we hit the dusty trail?
43:32
Speaker 3: You know, just keep fighting. I want I want all
43:36
Speaker 3: of us pain sufferers to never give up. Hope. I
43:40
Speaker 3: think that is the key word to stay focused on that.
43:44
Speaker 3: If you have hope, even if it's tiny as a
43:47
Speaker 3: grain of sand, it will carry you through. And it
43:51
Speaker 3: may sound cheesy or corny, but hope is everything at
43:56
Speaker 3: the end of the day, because without that, we don't
43:59
Speaker 3: have the capability of moving forward. And you know, like
44:04
Speaker 3: you said, there are people out there that love and
44:07
Speaker 3: care for us. Tap into those resources. Don't be afraid
44:11
Speaker 3: to be vulnerable and speak up. Tell those people that
44:15
Speaker 3: love you what your needs are. Stop being so dog
44:19
Speaker 3: on full of pride like yours can do this. Stop
44:24
Speaker 3: being stubborn and prideful. Those are all just very unattractive qualities.
44:30
Speaker 3: When you're in pain and you need help, it's time
44:33
Speaker 3: to step up and it's time to ask for help.
44:36
Speaker 3: And it's okay. It's okay to ask for help.
44:39
Speaker 2: Yes, I like that, It is okay to ask for help.
44:41
Speaker 2: I suck at it. I'm far better than I used
44:44
Speaker 2: to be, but it's definite need. I need help, So
44:47
Speaker 2: we have. Janette has a promo for you. If you're
44:49
Speaker 2: local to the Los Angeles or Burbank area, or you're
44:51
Speaker 2: just popping into town traveling and you're an Infred son
44:54
Speaker 2: a person and you need to get one, you.
44:57
Speaker 1: Need to reach out to Burbank Infrared Sauna.
44:58
Speaker 2: She is offering a free first sweat for any listener
45:02
Speaker 2: of this podcast.
45:02
Speaker 1: There is a phone number to text and a word
45:05
Speaker 1: to use.
45:07
Speaker 2: I'm not giving the phone number over air, so you've
45:09
Speaker 2: got to go to show notes or going to social
45:11
Speaker 2: and all of that.
45:12
Speaker 1: It will all be there for you.
45:14
Speaker 2: You can visit her website at Burbankinfraredsauna dot com. Her
45:17
Speaker 2: Insta handle is also at burbank Infrared Sauna, and Infrared
45:21
Speaker 2: is spelled I N F R A R E D
45:25
Speaker 2: because it's hard to spell over and over again. Oh
45:29
Speaker 2: my goodness, thank you so much for being us with
45:31
Speaker 2: us here today, Lobster. I am so grateful for our
45:33
Speaker 2: friendship and for you sharing your story with us today.
45:36
Speaker 3: And Keel, thank you, Lindsey. Thank you for doing this podcast,
45:41
Speaker 3: thank you for bringing it to light, thank you for
45:45
Speaker 3: giving pain a purpose, thank you for being you, and
45:51
Speaker 3: thank you for loving me.
45:53
Speaker 1: Well that's easy. She's the easiest person to love on
45:56
Speaker 1: the planet, by the way. So there, all right.
45:59
Speaker 2: So before we jm out, I have a new bite
46:01
Speaker 2: sized extension of the Pain Game podcast that we're trying
46:03
Speaker 2: out called pain Bites. I'm going to serve up like
46:05
Speaker 2: a little small but mighty dose of real talk every
46:09
Speaker 2: other Friday.
46:09
Speaker 1: I was going to do it every.
46:10
Speaker 2: Friday, and I'm finding like, oh my gosh, I got
46:12
Speaker 2: more submissions than I thought, and so I'm kind of
46:14
Speaker 2: weeding through and trying to figure out how I want
46:16
Speaker 2: to do this.
46:17
Speaker 1: But I can't do it without you. So what these
46:19
Speaker 1: are are?
46:20
Speaker 2: I want you to submit your wins, your losses, your struggles,
46:23
Speaker 2: your celebrations, everything in between and out and how you're
46:26
Speaker 2: getting through it. And you can cry, you can laugh,
46:28
Speaker 2: you can send a voice note. You can just send
46:30
Speaker 2: me a blurb that I can that I can speak about.
46:34
Speaker 2: It can be anonymous, I can use your name. Whatever
46:36
Speaker 2: it is that you want to do. There's information at
46:39
Speaker 2: on Instagram at our link in the bio that shows
46:42
Speaker 2: you the form that you fill out.
46:43
Speaker 1: It's super easy to do. So I want to hear
46:45
Speaker 1: from you. I want to talk about you, one.
46:47
Speaker 2: Bite at a time, So you'll fill out that form,
46:51
Speaker 2: send me your voice notes.
46:52
Speaker 1: Do it.
46:52
Speaker 2: Get engaged because the more engaged you are with us,
46:55
Speaker 2: the more engaged we're going to get back with you,
46:57
Speaker 2: and maybe we can find a cure for whatever it
46:59
Speaker 2: is that ails you.
47:00
Speaker 1: That's why we're here.
47:01
Speaker 2: You are exclusively invited to share this. Never give up,
47:04
Speaker 2: help VIP pain journey together. Let's get to the heart
47:08
Speaker 2: of how to heal. With you by my side. Please
47:10
Speaker 2: follow the Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest your podcast content,
47:14
Speaker 2: we will be there. Visit us at the Pain gamepodcast
47:17
Speaker 2: dot com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks
47:20
Speaker 2: for listening my little VIPs.
47:21
Speaker 1: Catch you on the other side.